Toast of London (2013) s02e05 Episode Script

Buried Alive

Eeeeuuurgghhhh Mumble, mumble Bleuurrr It's really good, Steven.
OK, the bit where it says, "Mumble, mumble" Am I meant to mumble something in an incoherent manner or am I meant to actually say "Mumble, mumble"? Well, what did you do there in the last take? I said the words "Mumble, mumble", but I mumbled them.
Hi, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
We just have to phone head office in New York to get clarification on this.
Oh, for God's sake! OK, bye.
Steven Yeah? Say the actual words, "Mumble, mumble".
So you want me to say "Mumble, mumble" so it's obvious that's what I'm saying? That'll be great.
Euuurrrgghhh Mumble mumble Bleurrrrgh.
It's ridiculous! What was that, Steven? I said I think it's ridiculous.
What the fuck is this for? Steven, we're gonna phone New York again.
Are you kidding? Um Steven, seems to be a bit of a disagreement about how to play this.
Yeah, I should say so.
We're getting a differing opinion from New York.
OK, well, in future, why don't you speak to New York, find out exactly what they want from you? Otherwise you're just completely wasting my time! Yeah.
Sorry, Steven.
Bloody waste of time! Best one yet! Yes! Ah, it's the best one yet.
I've forgotten my pencil.
What were you laughing at? Just recording some laughter for a radio play.
Record that! It's all done at high pressure.
It's very intense and highly controversial.
I suggested once to an old girlfriend that we try doing that.
I thought she'd be up for doing absolutely anything, cos she'd been in Tipping The Velvet with Anna Chancellor.
But when we got into the bedroom, her tastes proved to be disappointingly conventional.
No, I was talking about fracking.
What? Fracking.
Induced hydraulic fracturing, or hydro-fracturing.
Commonly known as fracking.
You seemed to think it was something quite different.
I must have misheard you, Toast.
Are these your crisps? Who's this prick? "Old Style Country Farm Crisps have been manufactured "on our family farm in Devon for 200 years.
" As if! Sterling Porrich is the prat's name.
I didn't think they had crisps They didn't, Ed.
It's all bullshit.
It's not very subtle or subliminal.
It's all quite in your face.
No-one has any time these days for anything subtle or subliminal.
I know.
They'd rather see people eat frogs in the jungle on ITV.
It's the new thing.
Big cheese determined to associate himself with his product.
Gives us a cock and bull history of his life and sticks his own mug shot on the packet.
He's going out with your ex-wife.
What did you say, Ed? Hmm? You slipped something on the end of that last sentence which wasn't connected to the point you were making.
I was trying to break it to you gently, Toast.
You know, subliminal fashion.
In case you might take it badly.
What the hell are you talking about? Your ex-wife Ellen is going out with a Devon crisp manufacturer called Sterling Porrich.
I presume it's the same chap.
How the hell do you know that? Social diary in The Standard.
They were at Silverstone together.
Tell you, this crisp fella must be super-super-rich.
Super-super-super-super-rich All right, Ed! Hello? Yes, Toast, please.
It's for you, Toast.
Jane? I've just negotiated something rather marvellous for you, that I guarantee is going to blow your socks off.
That's great news.
I'll be there as quickly as I .
It's terribly irritating you've lost your phone, Toast.
What if a job came up, or a nuclear war or something? I wouldn't know where you were.
What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off? Anyway, you're in luck re phone.
Those nice people at 023.
Do you remember, you did a voiceover for them last month? Total cunts.
What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off? They've given you a little bonus gift, because they were so pleased with you.
The 023 E17.
Perfect sound, amazing signal, no matter where you are.
You could use it on the moon if you have to.
What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off? Even has, look at this, a mini fire extinguisher.
Bloody hell! And a tiny oxygen mask.
That's ridiculous.
What possible circumstance would that be of any use to anyone? What's this job that's gonna blow my socks off?! You don't have to use them! Shush! And take it.
I've got some super, super news for you.
Have you ever wanted to star in a major Hollywood film? Is Ray Purchase the biggest bell-end in London? Well, of course I wanna be in a Hollywood film! Well, now's your chance.
And when I tell you who your co-star is, you're going to fall off your chair.
Yes, I haven't told you yet, Toast.
Sorry, Jane.
Who is it? Is it Daniel Day-Lewis? No.
Daniel's given up acting to build shoes again.
Again? What an idiot.
Well, who is it, then? Max Gland.
Bloody hell! Well, I know who he is! Yes! Even you, who has the tiresome characteristic of saying you've never heard of anyone knows who Max Gland is.
He's over here shooting a movie.
He wants you to be in it.
What? He's asked for me personally? He's aware of my work? Of course! He's selected you specially, from the pages of the Spotlight Actors Directory.
There are literally a million actors in Spotlight.
He didn't just flick through it randomly and stop where his finger came to rest.
He chose YOU.
There are a few minor stipulations about working with Max Gland.
Very minor.
Um, you're not allowed to look at him, talk to him, mention his name or eat or drink within two miles of him.
Doesn't sound too unlike my last marriage! It won't be a problem, or at least a problem that two million pounds won't fix.
Two million?! I'm going to ask them for two million! They're loaded! Hurrah for Hollywood! Ha! When is it? Tuesday.
Shit! I've got a voiceover on Tuesday.
They want you in the morning, voiceover in the afternoon.
So tickety-boo, my money's on you.
And they'll probably send you an limousine.
Ha haaa! Brilliant.
Hi, you're Steven? Steven Toast.
Is the director around? I'm Lindy Makehouse, I'm the third assistant director.
OK? Here's the casket.
Climb in, buddy.
What? You wanna climb into the casket? Why? Yeah, the guy's here, yeah? Yeah, just get him into the casket.
Just climb into the casket, dude! And you'll need this wig.
Why do I need this? Max thought you should wear it.
Shouldn't I go to costume or makeup or something? You just need the wig.
We'll be on long shot, so we won't see much of your face.
If you could just pop it on.
Well, does Max dig me up? Will I get rescued or something? You ask a hell of a lot of questions! Well, I haven't even seen a script.
Well, Max doesn't like the other actors seeing the script.
I've no idea what my character is.
Max doesn't like the other actors knowing anything about the characters.
Argh! Argh! Argh! Yes, Roger, I just saw him run past.
That's Max Gland, isn't it? Please don't look at him, or say his name.
Hey, you! Don't look up.
Just say yes.
Yes! Get me a dog.
Argh! Argh! Steven, Max wants you to get him a dog.
What the fuck are you talking about? Max has been having a bit of a tough time recently.
What, he wants me to get him a dog? Well, why don't YOU do it? Well, Max wants you to do it.
It's a good sign.
It means he likes you.
How? I don't know.
Just borrow one.
OK? Fuck's sake! There's one! Pull over, man.
Where's the dog? How long will I be in here? Oh, not long! Well, how long exactly? I can't clarify that until everyone's back from lunch.
Oh, God! Yes, I'll tell him.
Hey there, little pal.
How's it going? Max, we need you back on set.
And Roger says you have to give the dog back.
Did you say something? Roger needs you on set and he says you have to stop playing with the dog.
No, I'm gonna play with this dog and if you don't let me do that, I'm gonna shoot the dog, then shoot myself in the head.
Roger says You think I'm jerking around? Roger, hi.
Er, just an update on the Max situation I say, when will I be dug up? Wow! This is ridiculous.
Whoa! Jesus! Fuck's sake! Hello? Jane? I've been buried alive.
What's that, Toast? I can't hear you.
The music's quite loud here.
I've been buried alive! What? Well, how can that happen? I thought you were on that film? I am! I've been here for three hours.
Something must have gone wrong above ground.
I'm not back in the office until tomorrow.
Can it wait until then? I don't really wanna spend the night buried alive underground, Jane! Well, I'm sure someone will come along and dig you up shortly.
Give it another hour or two.
I'm not gonna give it an hour or two, Jane.
I'm buried alive! My turn! Unbelievable! There she is.
'This is Ed Howzer-Black' Oh, God! '.
please contact my agent.
' Fuck you, Ed! I'm buried alive! What? "I love you - Ellen.
" What, Ellen as in my ex-wife? 'But I haven't heard from her in ages.
'Ellen she still loves me.
' Oh, Ellen.
It was my wife who suggested we hold the wedding in this beautiful country of Thailand, rather than my initial idea of Putney Registry Office.
My parents and brother couldn't afford to be here.
Oh, they would have enjoyed this occasion.
Especially my father, who I know would have taken full advantage of the free bar.
I mean, what alcoholic wouldn't take advantage of a free bar? Yes, um where were we? Hey, you're Clem Fandango, aren't you? Yes.
I'm Clem Fandango.
I'm Ellen.
I'm getting married to Toast, here on the beach.
Not Steven Toast? Uh-huh.
I assume you're not invited? He fucking hates you.
It's a total coincidence that I'm here.
Would you like a drink? Like any actor, I've suffered setbacks.
Many, many, many people have fucked me over.
Bear with me.
Tom Conti, Tim Pigott-Smith, Colin Firth.
Oh, yes! Hugh Bonneville, Nigel Havers .
Michael Fassbender, Patrick Stewart .
Chas & Dave, Charles Dance .
the staff at TV-AM, Trevor Eve, Noel Edmonds, Martin Shaw.
Every man jack of them.
But on this glorious day, on the beach front, surrounded by friends and my beautiful, almost virginial wife, I really think things are looking up for Steven Toast.
Toast! To Toast! Oh, Ellen.
Lovely, lovely Ellen.
Even a tsunami on our wedding day couldn't destroy our love.
Hi, Steven? This is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me? Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.
Even though I'm buried alive in a fucking coffin! What's that, Steven? I'm in a coffin, which is buried underground! He says he's in a coffin, which is buried underground.
Steven? I'm expecting you in for a voiceover.
I've got Sterling the client here.
Clem says you're buried in a coffin underground.
It's a very clear line.
Doesn't sound like you're buried underground.
Oh, I'm buried underground, all right.
You using the new 023 E17? I've got one of those, they're mega.
Who gives a shit? I think you'll probably be all right doing the voiceover from there.
I'll put you on speaker phone.
There you are.
Do you have the script? I mean, it shouldn't take too long.
I've got a rehearsal.
I'm one of the torch relay carriers for the Commonwealth Games.
The Commonwealth Games? Who gives a monkey's about that? Do you have script, Steven? I've got Sterling, the client, here.
We're old mates, actually.
Just wants a few words before we begin.
All I need you to do is say exactly what it says in the script.
Don't mess with it or change any of the words.
And I'm not too fucking impressed that you're buried in a coffin instead of being here.
Is there anything wrong with your voice? You sound like a robot.
There's nothing wrong with my fucking voice, matey boy.
Just do your job.
That's what you're getting paid for.
All right! Good God! Old Style Country Farm Crisps have been manufactured on our family farm in Devon, using techniques dating back 200 years.
Are you putting on an accent? No.
You'd better not be putting on some country bumpkin accent.
Just because I'm from Devon, doesn't mean I'm a member of the fucking Wurzels! No, I wasn't.
Stop interrupting.
Just do your job, you cunt.
I was just Just read what it says on the script.
Only Come on! Only the finest quality crisps Just read what it says on the script.
I'm running out of oxygen.
I'm in a coffin.
Give me a second.
How you doing there, Steven? I'm all right.
I've just used a tiny oxygen mask.
That's great.
Shall we crack on? All right.
Only the finest quality potatoes are chosen.
That's why Porrich Hold on a second! You're that prick that's been fucking my ex-wife Ellen.
No, I didn't.
Not you, Clem Fandango! Porrich! That's funny.
She never mentioned you.
She still loves me.
She's just sent me a text.
Well, she never mentioned you to me.
Not even once.
OK, Steven.
Well, that went really well.
We're all happy with that, so I think we are done.
We'll see you again soon, yeah? I've been buried alive! Can you call the fire brigade or someone? Yep, thank you, Steven.
I'm buried alive! Thank you, Steven.
And I'm going to marry Ellen next week.
Over my dead body! I've got to get out of here.
I'll phone the emergency services myself.
Oh, no! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! # Low, low, low, low # Low, low, low, low # Low, low, low, low # Low, low, low, low # I'm the most unlucky guy # Never felt so low # Tears'll never dry # Oh, no! # He's the most unlucky guy # He's never felt so low # His tears'll never dry # Oh, no # Low, low, low, low Low, low, low, low # Low, low, low, low Low, low, low, low Low, low, low, low Low, low, low, low.
Mustn't scream.
Must preserve oxygen.
But I can't breathe.
I can't breathe! What the? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! I'm saved! I'm saved! Steven.
Managed to get out, then, from being buried alive in that coffin? I was saved.
Due to fracking on the exact spot.
Where's Sterling Porrich? I'm Porrich.
What the fuck's it got to do with you? Well, he looks nothing like the man on the crisp packets.
Oh, I'm him, all right.
And I'm getting married to Ellen.
So screw you.
Really? Give me that bat.
Ouch! What's up, Steven? It's from Ellen.
"Soz, but that last message was meant for someone else.
" She probably meant to send it to Sterling.
Probably, yeah.
Excuse that.
It's not even him, you know.
It's some other farmer.
Still, good news about the fracking, eh? Very lucky.
Damn lucky.
They started drilling at six in the morning to avoid the protestors.
And the doctor reckoned I only had another ten seconds' worth of oxygen left! Ten seconds? That's cutting it pretty fine! So, Porridge is still going to marry Ellen, I presume? Once he's recovered from his injuries.
This is a big blow for me, Ed.
It's gonna take me a while to get over it.
It's been two months now, Toast.
God, I hate Sterling Porrich! You're just gonna have to get over it.
Yeah, I suppose you're right, Ed.
You're only feeling bad because you gave a man in a wheelchair a severe thrashing with a baseball bat.
I don't regret that, Ed.
Any man in my position would have done the same.
I just can't stomach the fact that he's still going to marry Ellen.
Look, Toast.
You've got to get out into the world again.
Think positive.
Do something useful.
Now, what could you do? Well, actually, there is something else that's been playing on my mind.
What? I did a great wrong that I'd like to put right.
Sorry This is for you.
Your dog was shot, I'm afraid.
All right.