Toast of London (2013) s02e06 Episode Script

Fool in Love

Fa! Fa! How much did that cost? 300.
Nice.
Is that yours? Yeah.
Got it on eBay.
75.
Gigantic.
Looking at your knives? All right, Colin.
I've got a nice one.
Wow, it's a Ghurkha.
It's a vintage.
Look at the notches on that.
Seen some action, this one has.
Right, are we ready to go? Oh, he's not here yet, is he? Er, who do you mean? I told that prick to make sure he was here at eight sharp.
Should I give Ray Purchase a call? Good idea.
Bingo! Been trying to pick this pencil up in my mouth for the last 15 minutes.
Are we good to go? Hi, Steven.
This is Clem H.
Fandango.
Can you hear me? Yeah, I can Whoa.
Did you just say Clem H.
Fandango? So you've added an H to your name? You don't think you were enough of a prat already? It was Equity's idea.
They told me to change my name as there's another actor already apparently called Clem Fandango.
Yeah but you're not an actor.
Sorry, Steven, we're gonna have to get this done quickly.
Colin needs to edit everything by midday.
You all right, buddy? I'm Colin Skittles from Swing Out Spritzer.
Now there's a certain way we'd like you to perform the VO.
If you like, buddy, I can run through it first as a guide.
Well, go on then.
Brill.
Hey, guys! Don't lose your cool this summer.
Be as cool as ice and enjoy a tall glass of Tawny Owl Ice Tea.
Ter-wit! Ter-woo! Ter-wit! Ter-woo! Hey, guys! Don't lose your cool this summer.
Be as cool as ice and enjoy a tall glass of Tawny Owl Ice Tea.
Ter-wit! Ter-woo! Ter-wit! Ter-woo! All right, buddy? Brigadoon.
Really? I can't remember the last musical I saw.
Cats? Cats! Yes.
On Drury Lane.
And if I recall I was so drunk I collapsed in my seat whilst sitting down.
Well, at least you didn't get up and join in like Michael Barrymore used to! He did, didn't he? Talking of theatres, if I were you, I'd avoid going past the Garrick for a week or two.
Is Ray Purchase dropping his slacks again? No, they're putting on a production of The Graduate.
That, erm, ex of yours is playing the lead.
Who? Maggie Philbin? Lorna Wynde.
Lorna Wynde? Lorna Wynde.
I always thought she was quite pretty in that over-the-top American way.
You did that awful daytime soap together in LA.
She had that thing, do you remember, on close-ups? She went all cross-eyed whenever her face came within three feet of a camera.
Really affected her career in television.
That's why she's doing theatre these days.
Lorna Wynde.
Please, Jane.
Lorna Wynde! She promised to move back to London with you but she didn't show up at the airport.
You were so heartbroken you couldn't speak for three weeks.
You were in a terrible state.
You cried so hard you followed through in Oddbins.
All right, Jane! Please! Please stop saying Lorna Wynde.
Stop saying Lorna Wynde.
Lorna Wynde.
Yes! More importantly, where are we going for lunch? We'll have to get a wriggle on.
I'm off to Scotland to visit Tilda Swinton.
Ha! Tilda.
Mad as a bag of monkeys but tremendous fun.
I'm sorry, Jane, I've suddenly lost my appetite.
I'd rather go home if it's all the same with you.
Careful, Toast.
The second Jane said she was back in town, I felt physically sick.
Like I was right there, back at the airport.
Right.
The anguish pulls hard on one, Ed.
Like an anchor made of white gold.
Mm.
My stomach feels like lead.
I've not eaten all day.
Not even been able to go to the toilet, which as you know is very unlike me.
Thanks for the sympathetic ear.
Does a chap good to unload, as it were.
Sorry, I wasn't listening.
What the hell's with the knives? Jane was waving one of those around earlier and those clowns in the studio.
Oh, everyone has knives these days.
Ever since those Tottenham riots.
People need to protect themselves and their property.
I haven't got one.
Maybe you should get one.
Oh, by the way, Toast, I need to talk to you about something.
We're going to have a guest staying here.
Who? Peter Powell? No, my niece, Honeysuckle.
She hasn't been herself lately.
Her mum reckons she's got a gluten allergy.
Anyway, she's come down to London to visit a homeopath.
She's going to need somewhere to stay.
What the hell is a homeopath? Someone who specialises in alternative medicine.
Ooh! What, like, a witch doctor? Yeah, I'm pretty sceptical myself about this whole homeopathy lark.
She's tried everything else and it hasn't worked.
Anyway, she's going to need to sleep in your bedroom.
Well, where the hell am I gonna go? Well, presumably on the sofa here.
Is there a sofa here? Yeah.
There she is.
Sorry, Toast.
Just showing Honeysuckle her room.
Steven Toast, my niece Honeysuckle.
Hello.
Fuck off and die! I beg your pardon? Apologies, Toast.
It's the allergy.
Honeysuckle suffered a very negative reaction to something.
I'm so sorry, Mr Toast.
Like my uncle said, I haven't been feeling myself lately.
Oi! Agh! There's no fucking toilet paper in the bathroom! There's there's some kitchen roll under the sink.
Argh! Ah, going somewhere, Toast? Yeah.
I'm gonna move out for a few days, Ed.
Yes, maybe best.
Honeysuckle's a bit of a handful.
The sooner we get her sorted out with this homeopathy the better.
Yes.
Where are you going? Francis Bacon has a spare room.
He owes me a few favours.
Francis Bacon? I thought he was dead.
Why does everyone say that? Oh God! Toast? Is that you? Lorna.
Oh, Toast.
I recognised the streak in your hair from across the way.
That streak.
Didn't you fall out of a tree? Yeah, I fell out of a tree.
I knew I'd see you again.
Wait, are you crying? Crying? Me? Nah.
Toast, I owe you an explanation.
No, you don't.
Can't even remember what happened.
We both know that's not true, Steven.
I bounced back and was fine within a couple of hours.
If you don't mind, I'm late for a luncheon.
Oh, Toast, you always were a lousy poker player.
Coffee? My treat? It is a nice day.
We could get some ice cream.
Yes! Do you have any cigarettes? You always did like a cigarette after ice cream.
I don't have any but somebody left a pipe in the drawer, next to the Bible.
Is that your knife? Yeah.
Everybody told me to bring one if I was coming to London because of the Tottenham siege? Tottenham riots.
You know, I never thought I'd see you again.
I was in a real bad place.
You ripped me in half, woman.
In bloody half! I was in a dreadful state.
I know, I heard.
Apparently you cried so hard you followed through in Oddbins.
Yes, I did.
Shall we? For old times' sake? What? You know.
Abraham Lincoln.
Forgotten you'd mastered him.
You do him so well.
Do Bruce Forsyth.
Bruce is easy.
You've just gotta get the chin right.
Oh, this is so much fun! Let me take a selfie.
A what? A picture of us back together.
I'm really sorry I ran out on you, Steven Toast.
I wanna make it up.
Leave it, Lorna.
Your backside's writing cheques your mouth just cannot cash.
You must have been real upset to have followed through in Oddbins.
Didn't I read they were facing liquidation? They weren't the only ones! At least you haven't lost your sense of humour.
Lorna, you're once, twice, three times a lady.
And I've only ever said that to six other people before.
You sound like your character from our show.
I watched an episode of that the other day.
Really? How did it look? Damn good.
Look, Principal, I don't think I can goddamn do this any more.
There's only so many times I can watch you throw a flush while I end up with a deuce.
I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Professor.
Christ to hell.
I mean I'm sick of being just another British stud you figure you can take off the shelf whenever there's an itch that needs a-scratchin'.
I'm sorry? Spare me the Girl Guide routine.
You're just using me to make your husband jealous.
Keep going, Professor.
I love it when you're angry.
I'm goddamn serious.
Don't treat me like a major league sonofabitch! Go ahead, do it.
Would it make you feel more like a man? Yes! Get out! Oh, I'm leaving.
But I'll be back in the morning for my share of the business and the baby! Sometimes it's hard to let go of the past.
I'm off to see Francis Bacon.
Isn't he dead? Why does everyone say that? Honey, you can always stay here with me.
My God, she is fucking beautiful, but I know we can never get back together.
If I don't leave now, I'll never leave.
I'd better say that out loud.
If I don't leave now, I'll never leave.
Bye! You'll need a decent suit, Anton.
Not turning up to my opening with George from Asda on my arm.
We'll go to Turnball's off St James's.
My treat.
Ah, and I've ordered us a nice bottle of bubbly.
Yes.
Yes, I'm raising a glass now.
To us! Come up, dear, it's open! Now there's somebody at the door.
We're no longer alone, Anton.
Toast! How are you? I was just ordering some printer ink cartridges.
I'll call you back.
You look very depressed, Toast.
Where have you been, the Old Kent Road? I'm sorry, Bacon, I need somewhere to stay for a day or two.
Something happen between you and Ed? He's an odd fish, isn't he? I see you've been painting your father again.
Oh yes.
Rarrgh! I'm in a quandary.
Lorna's back.
The American with the dickey eye.
Only when she does close-ups.
I remember the mess she made of you last time.
Didn't you cry so hard you shat yourself in your room? No, I shut myself in my room.
I shat myself in Oddbins.
Oh yes, that's right.
Didn't I just read they're facing liquidation? They weren't the only ones.
I'd stick to drama, Toast.
But you did love her, didn't you? I did.
I still do.
Oh.
I don't mean to impose, Bacon, but I really don't have anywhere else to go.
# From a tramp to a king, come winter or spring # The song that you sing remains the same tune # It'll pass untold when love takes hold # Like a weight made of gold # And it pulls so hard # Weighed down # I'm weighed down # Weighed down # I'm weighed down What are you doing here with an old queen like me, Toast? Go to Lorna.
Love is the greatest gift we share.
No, you're right, Bacon.
Thanks, old friend! And what you looking at? I'm not certain that this is a gluten allergy.
I'm gonna give Alan the homeopath a ring.
What? Hello, Alan? Jackie Paper.
You free for a home visit? Lorna! Oh! Oh my gosh! Oh, Toast.
Oh my God! Oh! Oh my gosh! That was definitely the best sex I've ever had without getting an erection.
What's that all about? It's cos I'm so in love with you.
I can only ever normally achieve an erection with people I have zero respect for.
There he is! There he is.
Hey, I'm gonna go round to Ed's and pick up the rest of my belongings but I'll be straight back.
Perfect.
Oh, there's one thing, though, Toast, before you go.
I'm not even sure if it's worth mentioning but er it may be relevant.
What is it? I'm married.
You're married? Yeah, although my husband pays me so little attention, he may have actually forgotten about it so You're married to someone else? I think you should meet him and explain the situation.
It would be so much better coming from you.
Tell him that my marriage to him is over.
He's recording in London at the moment.
You could go to his studio.
He's not one of those chaps with his bare backside hanging out, carrying industrial tape and drugs, is he? No, he's not a fucking He's not a roadie, Toast.
He's a rock musician.
Come on, honey, this could be our second chance.
You know what? You're right.
I don't care that you're married to someone else.
It's you I love.
And after years of being dealt the deuce, I finally feel like I'm holding a flush.
Oh! Ed? I'm down here! Under the table! What the hell are you doing down there? Hiding from Honeysuckle.
I just came to say goodbye, Ed.
I'm moving in with Lorna.
Oh, don't leave me! I have to.
I need to move on.
I know it's the right thing to do.
I What's wrong, Toast? Nothing.
No, I er Argh! Oh my God! Come on, Principal, we don't have much time.
Our flight to Hawaii leaves in an hour.
You said you hated your husband.
That you wanted him dead and that you love me.
You do love me, don't you? Don't tell me I've got this badly wrong? I'll bring the car out front.
See you in a minute.
No! You're not having second thoughts about you and Lorna, are you? Course not.
What the hell's with the knives? It's part of my father's collection.
Do you want one? Why not? Everyone else seems to have one.
I hope that homeopath gets here soon! Stop, stop, guys.
It's too loud.
Something's been on my mind for the last few days.
What is it, Josh? I think we should scrap these electric instruments and just play wooden ones.
We're about to begin an arena tour.
How are they gonna hear us? I wanna cancel those venues and just play churches.
What the fuck? You know, I'm getting just a little sick of the amount of bad language and the unprotected sex that I see on these arena tours.
I'm serious.
You think I'm kidding? I dare you to test me.
I will strangle you with the hands that the good Lord gave me.
What the hell is that? OK, Lorna.
I'm gonna go in there, sort the rock man out once and for all and then we can start our new life together.
Good luck.
Isn't that beautiful? Which one of you cocksuckers is Lorna Wynde's husband? That'd be me.
Yeah? Well, she's in love with me and she's leaving you and your marriage is over.
So you'd better deal with that like a man and step aside.
What did you just say? What, are you fucking deaf? Whoa! Argh! Oh shit, his nose has come off! Oh! It's all right, I've got it.
Argh! I've got it.
Oh God! His beautiful nose! Yeah, his nose is fine.
He just walked into the blade.
No, no, no! Lorna, we need to go.
I arranged for us to look at a flat at 5.
30.
Look what you've done! I didn't do anything! Like I said, he walked into the blade! Oh, darling! I'm sorry I've been neglecting you.
I wanna renew our marriage vows and I wanna live a holy life.
And I'm sorry too, honey.
I sent you those selfies of me and Toast to make you jealous.
Just so you pay me a little more attention.
It's you I love, not him.
No way him.
He's a fucking loser asshole! What a fool I've been.
She's obviously still in love with the rock man.
All this to make him jealous.
Just like that two-bit soap we were in.
I thought I'd been dealt a flush but I've ended up with another deuce.
I'd better say that out loud.
I thought I'd been dealt a flush but I've ended up with another deuce.
Can somebody call an ambulance? Oh God! What shall I do about the flat? Ed, is that you? I'm coming in! Don't, Toast! Please don't come in! I'm coming in.
What the hell are you two up to, Ed? Hey, cocksucker.
Wanna see something cool? What? Dear God! The good news is that Alan the homeopath is on his way.
Is the girl in there? Is that you, Alan? Of course it's me! Raarrggh! What are you gonna do, Alan? What am I gonna do? I'm a fuckin' homeopath, aren't I? I'm gonna do it the natural way.
Fuck off! That should do it.
Well, I must say, I'm very impressed.
This homeopathy lark seems to have done the trick.
I don't know much about it but there's clearly a marked improvement.
You see, a lot of people, they look down their nose at homeopathy.
They think it's a scam but that's because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
Well, it's clearly very effective and not the complete bullshit I'd assumed.
Ah, so everything back to normal.
So, Toast, how did the confrontation with Lorna's husband go? Turns out Lorna was using me just to make her husband jealous.
She's still very much in love with the rock man.
We won't be moving in together.
Ah, shame.
Then there was an altercation and his nose got cut off.
Are you all right, son? He'll be fine.
As I said, everything back to normal.