Toast of London (2013) s03e02 Episode Script

Beauty Calls

I can't I can't hear you.
Press the button.
I can't hear you, press the button, you doughnut! I can't hear you! It's Clem Fandango, can you hear me? Yeah, obviously, if you press the button.
What's your problem? You've only worked here for three years! Temper, temper, Steven.
Don't you "temper, temper" me, boy.
Just do your job! OK, Steven.
Now, the client was very, very specific about the style of the read and the pronunciation of some of the words.
Clem's got it all in front of him.
We'll take it from here.
All right.
Hello, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me? You are a fucking star, aren't you? Yes! OK, so this is important.
The client has expressed that he'd really like you to Oh, fucking hell, you've done it again, you cunt.
Press the button! I can't hear you unless you push the button! Steven, this is Clem Fandango, can you hear me? I dare you to say that one more time.
Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me? Yeah, well, then keep your finger on the fucking button.
I didn't catch a word of that, all right? And I need to hear again exactly how that client wants me to say this script.
OK, Steven, so this is important.
The client has expressed that he'd really like you to stress certain words within the script.
And the words he'd like you to stress are la Fuuuuuaaaaarrrggghhh! It's a little inappropriate at the breakfast table, Davison.
Maybe you could do it in your room.
All right, all right.
Also, this wine-making equipment.
There's rather a lot of it.
Yeah, what the hell is it? Try this, Toast.
It's splendid.
Bloody hell, Davison, it's not even eight o'clock yet.
Well, all right.
Ohhh You're meant to sip it.
What the hell is that? I call it The Black Death.
It's just got that extra edge.
You could clean a car with that, Davison.
You can't give this to anyone, you'll kill them! And could you do the washing-up, Davison, old chap? It's your turn.
Good God, Ed, all right! Do you mind if I have a Jimmy Riddle first? Is that OK? I'm sorry, Ed, but Davison's really starting to get on my pip! Mine too.
He's constantly complaining.
Said earlier that the towels weren't soft enough.
That's nonsense.
That new fabric conditioner we've been using's left the towels delightfully soft and fluffy.
I know.
But they're not good enough for Davison.
Why's he even here? Well, his wife kicked him out after she caught him on the job.
Ha! Who with? Shh Young dancer.
Northerner.
Rough, visceral type.
Ooh.
Not someone you'd expect at all.
But, you know, love is strange.
Yeah.
Talking of which, how's it going with what's her name? Penelope? No, Penvelope.
Penvelope? Yes, unusual name.
Looks like Penelope when it's written down, but there's a V stuck in there.
Anyway, I just call her Pen.
What's up, Toast? It's nothing.
I just haven't had any action for a while.
Not like you, Toast.
I know! You know, it doesn't do a chap good to be out of practice.
I'm glad it's going well with you andwhat's her name? Penvelope.
Yeah.
You know, she was a finalist in that really famous international beauty contest for women they had in the '70s.
Really? Is that contest still going? I believe so.
But sadly, due to the rise of feminism, many of these contests have been driven underground.
Oh.
Terrible shame.
My father actually was on the judging panel in 1972.
Well, now, that is a coincidence.
My father was on the judging panel that year too.
Well, we've seen all the girls, let's go straightaway now over to our judges.
And first we've got the entrepreneur Rupert Howzer-Black, who made his fortune from the Whiskas cat food.
So, Rupert, which one of our gorgeous, beautiful ladies could lick your saucer clean? Well, it's very hard to choose, Dennis, but I'd have to say that Miss Fiji performed extremely strongly in the swimwear section, which as you know is a highly competitive part of the contest, and I thought she did very, very well.
Thank you, Rupert.
Moving on now to Colonel Gonville Toast.
Good evening to you, Colonel.
What do you fancy? Well, I think, er, Miss Portugal might just shade it for me, due to the amount of time that she donates to charity.
And I'll make sure I give her a handsome donation of my own after the show.
I'm sure you will.
Mmm, yeah How's your donation going, Toast? Ohhh, yes! Mmm-hhh Oh, what's that, Toast? It's a text from Jane.
What's it about? Well, Jane's had a text from the organisers of the International Beauty Contest for Women, asking if I'd like to judge at this year's event! Oh, I've also had a text from the organisers of the International Beauty Contest for Women.
They want me to be a judge at this year's event, too.
Oh, we can go together.
I don't know, Ed.
Beauty contests? They're a bit passe.
They're a bit yesterday's bread.
They're a bit eggnog.
Could be fun, though.
Tell you what, Toast, I'm seeing Penvelope tonight and she's bringing a friend along.
Would you like to come? Pen says that you might fancy her because she's a weather girl off the television.
A weather girl? I love weather girls! I know you do.
Which one is she? Sky News? ITV? Al Jazeeraaaaaaaaaaa? She's called Clancy Moped.
I think she works on a specialist weather channel.
Then, count me in.
Even if I don't get to have sex with her, at least I'll know what next week's weather's going to be like.
Toast, this is Penvelope.
She prefers to be called Pen for short.
Hello.
And this is Clancy Moped.
Hello! I'm Steven Toast.
Hello.
Well, this is a nice restaurant, isn't it? Lebanese, I believe.
Le-bon-ese.
Oh, not Le-ban-ese? No, Le-bon-ese.
Remember, Toast, you once went to a Lebanese restaurant because you thought it had something to do with lesbians? Lebon is a small country in the Middle East.
The weather there is actually quite mild.
Hoh-ho! Ed tells me you're a weathergirl.
Is it that obvious? I love the weather.
Ahh.
Well, you must know a lot about it.
So what's the weather like in South Africa this time of year, par examplaire? Temperatures in South Africa tend to be a lot lower than other countries of similar latitude, such as Australia, due mainly to the greater elevation above sea level.
On the interior plateau, the altitude keeps the .
.
there is, however, a striking contrast between temperatures on the country's east and west coasts, due respectively to the warm Agulhas and cold Benguela currents that sweep the coastlines.
Fascinating.
I hope I'm not boring you.
Not at all, not at all.
I do tend to go on about the weather a lot.
That and feminism.
Are you an active feminist? Oh, very much so, yes.
Mm, I love feminism.
And I love women.
They're an inspiration to us all.
I mean, you never see a sculpture of a dog or a monkey in an art gallery, always the bust of a beautiful woman.
Ha-ha! I just need to Course you do.
Pen? I think she probably needs to go, too.
Do you want to come with me? What do you think of Penvelope, eh, Toast? Former finalist of the world's most prestigious beauty contest.
But from what year?! Can't believe my luck.
She looks like she's had a massive stroke.
Massive stroke of good luck for me, I'd say.
Well, that Clancy's just my type.
She may bang on about the weather a bit, but she's a cracker and no mistacker.
I'm gonna get the bill and try and wangle my way back to her place.
Toast, what the hell do you think you're doing?! Stop it! What? That gesture you just made to the waiter.
Whatthis, indicating I want the bill? Everyone knows what that means.
No, no, no, no.
In their country that gesture means, "I want toyou knowyour mother"! What? What is your problem, man? What? Why you make the "I want to fuck your mother" gesture? I didn't, it was agetting the bill.
I Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get out.
What? Getout! And you can forget the bill.
I don't want your fucking money! Best leave now, Toast.
What about the ladies? Just Just leave, now.
Masut, show them the fucking door.
What the fuck are we watching? It's the state funeral of Winston Churchill and happens to be a favourite piece of archive footage of mine and Ed's.
Oh, splendid, have I missed much? Where have they got to? No, you're all right, Ed.
We're still at Whitehall.
Just coming up to the Strand.
Are you two for fuckin' real?! You fuckin' prick dickheads.
Wankin' fuckin' boring arsehole shithouses! Turn it off, man! Fuck's sake! There's got to be something better on.
She's got a point, Ed.
You're not going to watch the whole thing, are you? I'm sorry, but Toast and I always watch this footage on the great man's birthday.
And you, Davison, and your lady friend are ruining it for us.
Thought you old actors were meant to be fuckin' hell-raisers! It's like bein' round at me nan and fuckin' grandpa's! Right, I'm off.
Apparently, in their country this means something quite rude.
So we had to get out of the restaurant pretty sharpish.
Anyway, I was wondering if you would like to go for a drink with me.
'Yes, please.
' Well, that would be delightful.
All the best, and I'll see you then.
Yesssssssssssss! I have to say, I have no interest in pop music whatsoever.
Me neither.
Although I do like some groups.
Who? Weather Report, um Snow Patrol, Earth, Wind & Fire - especially the Wind bit Ooh.
Oh, and my favourite song is Singin' In The Rain.
Is it? I don't know that one, but it sounds delightful.
These, er, Pussy Riot fellas, are they a group? I'm wearing the T-shirt because I think what Pussy Riot are doing is really important.
I'm fully behind their radical feminist agenda and I'll always turn out to support them if I can.
Me too.
Do you know what a feminist looks like? What? This.
Mm.
OK, this date - would you say things are blowing hot or cold? What would your forecast be? I would sayhot.
Ha-ha-ha! So would I.
What say we finish these drinks and go back to your place? Ooh Yes.
Very nice.
Care for a drink? Er, a glass of red wine, please.
Large or small? Large, I think.
Ooh Yep This is a very weather-themed room.
I was just admiring your charming selection of snowglobes.
Oh, Toast.
You must have this one as a gift.
That's very kind.
It may be cold outside, but Iam very hot.
Oh, you're a smooth-talker, Toast.
But I have something to tell you.
I've never been much good at romance.
I think that's why I try to stick to the weather.
It's a very British thing, we can't talk about our emotions, so we talk about the weather.
When I'm in love, I just fall apart.
I don't know what to do.
I lose focus.
Even my hearing goes a bit off.
Don't worry about that shit.
Why would I worry about bat shit? No, not bat shit, that shit.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm completely losing it now.
It's all because I love Oh, I can't.
You're the only man I've ever met I can't be the only man you've ever met.
.
.
who doesn't mind me blathering on about feminism topics or the weather.
I don't mind at all.
As the warmth of the day makes way for the cool embrace of the night, let us throw caution to the wind.
Oh, that's lovely.
Well, Ithoroughly enjoyed that.
Are you free tomorrow? She is lovely and the sex is superb.
Straight down to it, over in seconds.
A quick park? A quick park.
No foreplay, just the way the ladies like it.
Anyway, I've got to split.
Got a bloody voice-over.
Shouldn't take too long, then I'm seeing the lovely Clancy, where the outlook looks very promising indeed.
You think so? Yessssssssssssss.
So if your broadband connection is slowing you down, try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband.
OK, Steven Toast! I couldn't wait until tonight to see you.
I think you're top-class! Clancy! Damn this glass for getting in the way of our love! Sorry, Steven, really do need to crack on with this broadband voice-over.
Won't be long.
Go back to your flat, Clancy, and break open the champagne.
I'll be right with you after I've dealt with these two arseholes.
Are we rolling? So if your broadband connection is slowing you down, try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband.
Just one more.
So, if your broadband connection is slowing you down So if your broadband connection is slowing you down, try Thunderbolt Ultra-Fast Broadband.
One more? Good morning, Emma.
"Good morning, Emma.
" Fucking tool.
Davison, the washing-up really needs to be done.
Yes, I'll do it! We just need to make another batch of wine first.
It's fucking top shit.
Right, we're off to Boots, get some more bottles and gear.
And don't forget The washing-up! Yes! Thank goodness we're getting out of here for the beauty contest today.
Some relief from those two.
Yeah.
Shit, the weather's on.
I need to see Clancy.
I missed her last night.
Those idiots at Scramble Studios made me work late.
There'll be a cold front Ahh! .
.
coming in from .
.
somewhere.
It'll be freezing.
I don't know what I'm doing today.
Huh? See my Toasty said that he would call round last night and then didn't turn up.
Ooh.
The weather is sounimportant.
No, no, no, Clancy.
Don't do that.
I think I'm in love.
Oh, dear.
The poor girl seems to be somewhat distressed.
It's because she's in love with me.
I mean, who could blame her? # Feeling hot, but it's cold outside # The weather's changeable but I don't mind # A gift from God Sent from heaven above # You could be right when you say I'm in love # I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in lo-ove # He's in love, he's in love He's in love # I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in lo-ove He's in love, he's in love He's in love Ahthat'll be the car for the beauty contest.
Why are we going so early? Oh, I imagine there'll be a luncheon or some lavish reception beforehand.
All right.
International Beauty Contest? Yes? Yeah, jump in, then.
One of you'll have to get in the back, though.
No, you've gotta be kidding.
'Where the hell are we going?' We've been travelling for six hours, I'm freezing.
Yes, driver, where exactly are we going? I can't tell you that, mate, the feminists might find out, then we'll have a shit-storm, won't we? Actually, we are a bit early.
I might pull the lamp out, is that OK? Lamp? What lamp? Lamping for rabbits in that field over there, look.
'Ere y'are Go on.
You shoot, right, I'll lamp and pick up.
Nice.
What?! What the hell? Argh! Jesus! Urgh! Answer your phone, Ed, what the hell is going on?! Sorry, Toast.
They used to hold these things in the Dorchester.
Right, gentlemen, I think we should get started as soon as possible, don't you? Now, wait a minute, where's the organiser? We should talk to him.
I'm the organiser, mate.
Vic Titball.
Thanks for agreeing to judge this year's contest.
I know you said these beauty contests have been driven underground, but this is ridiculous.
Looks more like a dogfight.
Right, let's get the girls in.
Ah, the girls.
Where are they? They're outside, in a van.
Cos it's a bit cramped in here, we're gonna do 'em in batches of three.
Yes, beautiful ladies.
Miss Bulgaria, Miss Romania and Miss Where you from again, darlin'? Albania.
Albania, of course.
Ah, the swimwear round.
Look, I'm getting out of here, Ed, this is bullshit.
Are you coming? Who are they? Pussy Riot.
Pen? Clancy! Toast! No! It's not what it seems! History repeating itself, it would appear, Toast.
Clancy was furious.
I'm truly heartbroken, Ed.
It's all over now.
Such a shame.
Have you seen Davison and Emma? Are they back yet? Davison still hasn't done the washing-up! I haven't seen them, Ed.
Maybe they're in their room.
I don't think Davison's in a fit state to do the washing-up, Ed.
All right.
It's just you and me, then.
Huh, unbelievable!