Toast of London (2013) s03e03 Episode Script

Hamm on Toast

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Was that it? Well, yeah, that's all it says here.
Steven? We think the neigh is probably meant to be the sound of a horse.
You want me to make the sound of a horse? Yeah, I'm guessing the neigh is just a rough indication, so just do the sound of a horse.
All right.
Ne-i-i-gg-hh! Hi, Steven, this is Clem Fandango.
Can you hear me? Yes.
The feeling here is that didn't sound much like a horse.
What? Would it help that instead of a neigh, you could try a whinny? A what? Yeah, we think a whinny might be better than a neigh.
What's the difference? Just do another horse sound.
Think whinny rather than neigh.
Whin-ne-i-i-gg-hh! Steven, was that a whinny, cos it sounded a lot like a neigh.
Jesus Christ, look, I've got things to do, and one of those is not sitting with you two pilchards, making horse noises.
What are you doing? Just googling whinny and neigh.
Oh, for fuck's! Why don't you just bring a horse in here, yeah? I mean, I'm sure he'd be able to nail it first time.
Health and safety issues, Steven.
Sorry, Steven, I've got this so wrong.
It's actually Neigh-bours.
Neighbours? Yeah, it's my fault.
The whole script didn't print out, just I just got a bit of it.
You're an idiot.
Are we rolling? Neigh-bours, returning to Channel 5 this autumn.
Don't miss it.
Every weekday at 5:30pm.
Breakfast's ready, Toast! Are you sure you don't want me to call an ambulance? You've just crashed through a complete flight of stairs and been hit by falling masonry.
No, no, no, no.
Just wearing the bandage should suffice.
Anyway, I've gotta get a wriggle on, otherwise I'll be late for maths.
Maths? No, umbill.
I've gotta go and pay my bar bill.
It's like you're off to school and I'm your mum.
What are you talking about? Perhaps YOU should see a doctor.
There you go, Ian.
Sorry it's all in coins.
Well, look, I'll give you the rest later.
Blair?! What the hell are you doing here? You'd better sit down.
I am sitting down.
No, you're not! No, I'm not.
Please sit down.
It's Father.
He's dying.
That's a pity.
Would you like a drink? Why the hell are you wearing that? What? There's a bandage on your head.
I crashed through some stairs .
I think.
Well, as I say, Father's days are numbered.
Doctor reckons he'll be dead by Friday.
So you said.
Right, so we need to get down there pronto and make sure he doesn't leave everything to the bloody dog, or worse still, the servants.
Who cares? He's never given a rat's arse about me.
Tells everyone I'm dead.
I don't want anything from him.
Yes, but I do, you bloody idiot! Think about it, Toast.
Think! If I get the country castle, you get the London pad.
The London pad? Hmm! Yeah, no rent, and I wouldn't have to listen to Ed's lovemaking marathons.
Exactly, so we need to get down there jaldi-jaldi, hmm? Right, I'm off to get the National Express at Victoria Coach Station.
The old family home could already be crawling with oily freeloaders.
We have to make sure we get to him first.
We can't leave anything to chance.
Are we clear? Are we clear?! Now you need to take this very seriously, Toast.
I don't want to get down there and find myself outnumbered.
All right.
Now, how do I get out of this bugger house? What, more coins? Sorry, Toast, they only had change.
But it's the BBC.
Can't they make a direct payment into my account or something? Now, the people who make direct payments have all moved to Salford.
Sign of the times, I'm afraid.
Massive cutbacks.
Why are you all glammed up, Jane? I'm meeting Jon Hamm.
I've literally never heard of him.
Probably one of the best actors in the world.
Surprised you've literally never heard of him.
He's fabulous - sexy and terrifically good-looking.
He's on a short break from filming that Tommy Cooper film in Dorset.
I'm meeting him upstairs at The Colonial.
Why don't you come along and say hello? No, I'm not interested.
He is hugely charismatic.
Huh, is he indeed?! You know something? I've never met anyone with any charisma, ever.
It's a complete myth.
Even that time I was introduced to Sean Connery.
It was like meeting a chair or a dead rabbit.
Well, everybody, people of every sex and all sizes and shapes and ethnic groups adore Hamm.
Hmm, I'm not interested.
But it just so happens I now have the exact money to pay my bar tab at The Colonial, so I'll walk with you.
Bloody ridiculous.
That'll do you.
Right, I'm off.
Give my regards to West Ham or whatever his name is.
Are you sure you won't stay for a drink? Jane, like I told you, I've absolutely no interest whatso Jane! Oh, how lovely to see you, Jonny! Oh, er, this is Steven Toast.
He's not staying.
Well, it'snice to meet you anyway.
Where are you off to? Home to Ed? Er, who's Ed? Is that your husband? Are you homosexual? N-No, I wouldn't say Do you know, I might stay! I can't believe he's actually doing it, can you imagine? What do you think, Toast? What? Mark Rylance in the Jungle Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here show.
What have you done to your head? Some stairs collapsed on top of me.
Are you OK? You seem a bitweird.
You're not yourself, are you, Toast? Poor dear.
Could you go and get us some more drinks? Wha Get some drinks? Yes.
Some more of your drinks, please, Ian.
Excuse me.
Are you Steven Toast? Maybe.
So what if I am? My name is Pooky Hook.
I have to say, I'm a huge fan of yours.
I'm an actress and model.
I would love to meet up for a drink or something, so you could give me some acting and modelling tips? Lookthis is my night off.
If you want to get in touch, you'll have to go through my agent.
Well, I have to go to the Savile Row and buy some shirts.
Well, it's been delightful, Jonny.
Can I come? Hm? What? Can I come to the Savile Row? I thought you had something important to attend to? No, well, that can wait, I'd rather go to the Savile Row with Hamm.
Would you mind? I'm sorry, Hamm.
Well, it's no problem, I sometimes get confused with your British shirt sizes, so perhaps Steven could give me a hand.
Every shirt, I mean, every shirt looked sensational on him.
Words cannot describe how great he is.
Sounds like you have a bit of a crush on Hamm, Toast.
What? A crush on Jon Hamm? You couldn't be more wide of the mark, Ed.
Though I will admit, the man certainly has charisma-a-a-a.
Care for a fancy, Toast? Ooh, don't mind if I do.
These are delicious fancies, Ed.
Any word on those replacement stairs? Otherwise it's going to be a pain in the arse having to use that ladder each time we want to go to bed.
It might be dry rot.
Are you a fan of Jon Hamm, Ed? Oh, yes, I've got every series of Mad Men on DVD.
It's pretty much the best show on telly.
Yeah, I'd heard it's great.
I'd love to see them.
Well, er Now.
I'd love to see it now.
All right.
If I could see them now.
Yeah, I'll try and dig them out.
Quick as you can.
What's he do? He's insane! Shit! And his show is both terrifying and very funny, and he is hilarious and quite mad in it.
It sounds like your phone, Toast.
Ah! Who's Blair? It's your brother, you idiot.
You should answer it, Toast, it'll be about your father.
Who? Your father.
Toast! I'm giving you my position.
What? I'm somewhere between Sherborne and Crewkerne.
I'll phone you with information when I arrive.
But make sure you're here by Friday, Toast, and don't bloody forget! What the hell are you talking about? Gone! He's hung up.
Anyway, any word from Hamm? Has he asked about me? Not that I recall.
Ooh, he's just moved into a flat in London.
Meard Street, above the deli.
Isn't that opposite you Opposite me and Ed, yes.
I could show him some local haunts.
Have you got his number? Hamm is a major celebrity.
I can't give out his number to any Tom, Dick or Toast.
He might have it hacked.
Yes, India, what is it? 'It's Peter Davison again.
' Davison's cut his finger off opening a letter? All his fingers or just one? Oh, hang on.
I'll have to come out.
I'll be back in a minute.
Here we are Tony Hatch, Judith Hann, Jimmy Hill, Jon Hamm.
There's the boy.
Hello? Hi, Hamm, it's Steven Toast here.
' Yes, hello.
Umhow's it going your end? Everything's great.
'Listen, I I was just' wondering if you fancied going for a drink sometime? When were you thinking? Ertomorrow.
I could do tomorrow afternoon, 'but I can't stay late.
' I'm shooting tomorrow in Dor-set.
No, no, that's fine.
That is amazing.
Listen, we'll meet upstairs at The Colonial, we'll sink a few, and then maybe go for an Italian for two.
Look, or whatever.
'Let's meet at one o'clock.
' Yes.
Staunch the flow, India! Ahbloody hell! Davison's only gone and lopped his middle finger off.
Tried not to make a fuss in front of him, but when the bandages are off, it will look quite odd.
Ha! Never a dull moment! Toast are you all right? Oh! Hello again.
Have you thought any more about that personal tuition idea? What? You could come to my flat if you want.
I've got a sauna and jacuzzi.
Maybe we could relax afterwards? # I've got myself in a terrible jam # I hit my head and now I fancy a man # I should feel up I've never felt so down # And they say I'm the worst actor in town You're the worst! Yes, you are # You are the worst actor in the world! Whoo! Is this something to do with you meeting Hamm later? No.
You're not making a mix tape for him, are you? No.
Well, he's probably not interested in those old marching tunes you're so fond of.
And recording them on cassette? It's very old-fashioned.
It's all SoundCloud and Spotify these days.
Oh, dear.
I don't know what I'm doing.
It's been a while since I've been In love? Why the hell would you say that? Well, you're not eating, you're not sleeping, you're keeping a diary.
You've got all the symptoms.
You don't understand.
He's got this charisma, it's like black magic.
Jane says he draws everyone in.
Why don't I make you a cup of hot chocolate and we can talk about this like adults? I don't think this obsession with Hamm is healthy.
You don't know him! And you don't understand me.
And I hate living here.
And I'm going to my room! And I've forgotten my ladder! Did you know that every phone line in Hollywood is connected to an asshole? Hundreds of guys waiting to fuck you over.
But it's good to be back filming in the UK.
Dor-set is lovely this time of the year.
What, areare you crying? Oh, no, it's just that you you speak so eloquently, Hamm.
Oh! You really do.
It's like hearing one's own name mentioned on the wireless.
Listen, you don't fancy a stroll in the park, do you? I mean, only if you're free, that is.
Er, I'm free until five.
Only till five? What have you got on? A photo shoot? A cocktail soiree? Dental appointment.
Well, er, your teeth look so perfect when you play the mad man.
Let's go.
That was the best fun I've ever had.
I've got an idea.
You're filming in Dorset, right? I need to be in Somerset in the morning.
We could travel down together.
You could meet my father.
Have to look sharp, he's dying.
I dunno, II don't like being around dying people.
I feel like it's bad luck.
Oh, come on! I could show you my father's castle.
It's the tallest in the world! Well, I've got your number.
Er, listen, this was, er The best time you've ever had? No.
So, I'm going to go.
Yeah, maybe see you tomorrow.
Oh, God! Steven, hi! God, not you again.
How are you? What do you want? Myself and a lot of other girls who are actresses and models are going yachting over the weekend.
We would love for you to join us, so you could tutor us in acting and modelling.
Me and the girls really enjoy topless sunbathing on the deck, but if you're bothered by that, we can wear our bikini tops.
I haven't got an auntie's whiff about modelling.
Is this some kind of ploy to get me on your sex boat? And if it is, then you're barking up the wrong acorn.
What the hell is wrong with me? The man's like crack! He's like crack! Toast, what are you doing here? Hamm, it's you! Your window was open, I couldn't resist climbing in.
Yes, well, I spend a lot of time hiding in my bed, to avoid the paparazzi.
It has a special Hamm-shaped indentation, so that it appears to be flat.
What's with the mask? It's Lovejoy, the antiques guy.
Do you wear that so you're not recognised? No.
I just went to the shop and they had a bunch of them - Mr Bean, the Queen, Camilla, Prince Charles.
I just liked the Lovejoy.
You certainly are a mad man! Ha! Yep? 'I'm here.
' I've not entered the premises yet, but on first look it seems to be pretty vulture-free.
Blair, what the shit are you talking about? 'Don't jigger me about.
' You need to get here before the relatives descend.
There could be dozens of them.
I can't afford to find myself outnumbered, Toast.
Outnumbered, you say? Don't worry about that, Blair, I can bring someone with me.
He's fit and has bags of charisma-a-a-a.
What? Hamm.
Yes? It's about time you met my father.
That is one tall castle.
Tallest in the world.
I, Gonville Toast I wish for my paintings, my gold and my dog to be buried with me.
Paintings, gold, dog, to be buried with you upon your death.
Father, I'm here! Your son has arrived! Who said that? That's your other son, Father.
The ac-tor.
The ac-tor? I thought he was dead! No, Father, that's just what you tell everybody because you hate him.
Is that you, Toast? We're at the top, in Father's bedroom.
Come quickly! And my firearms collection shall be left to Annie Lennox.
And finally Hurry up, Toast! And finally .
I leave my entire estate, my fortune and my freehold properties, both here and in London to .
Jon Hamm.
Jon Hamm.
What?! Argh! No! No, Father! Wait! Father! Wake up, Father! Wake up! Oh, dear God! I believe your father has passed.
This is your doing, Toast.
You bloody fool! Why did you bring Jon Hamm in here?! Everyone knows about his charm and charisma.
I'm going to kill you! Whoa! Toast-ah! Ooh Oh, dear! Can someone get me a cab? I don't like being around dead people.
Ah, good morning, Toast.
You're back.
Feeling any better? Much better, thanks.
Possibly due to my brother Blair throwing me down 200 steps.
Seems to have reset my head.
Oh, just to warn you, Toast, I had to give the ladder back to Maureen Lipman.
Really? So we're going to have to use this length of rope to get to our bedrooms.
But isn't that Hywel Bennett's? Yes, and we have to give that back soon so he can tie his horsebox to his Lamborghini.
Wait a moment, Toast, shouldn't you be with your father? Too late, Ed, he's dead.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
How's Blair taking it? Not well.
I've never seen a man so furious.
Possibly due to the fact him not being left the castle, or in fact anything in the will.
And who did he leave it to? Jon Hamm.
Really? Well, he does have charm and a most enormous amount of charisma.
So, yes, I'm not at all surprised.
Anyway, glad to have you back to normal.
Ooh, she's just my type.
Who's that slice of good beauty? Oh, it's a complete unknown called Pooky Hook.
Got no stage or screen experience, and has landed a lead role in Star Wars.
And here she mentions that she's a great fan of yours.
Does she now?! Ha-ha! Maybe you could give her some acting lessons.
Maybe I could.
Maybe I could.
She's a cracker, don't you think? Probably too young for you.