Tofu (2014) s01e05 Episode Script

Teenage Lust

1 Oh, God, talking about I'm old enough to be when time started.
It was probably Adam out of Adam and Eve because I was that old! This is so embarrassing! Our first crushes were all on the battlefields of France - Lithographs, that was it for you wasn't it? - That was it, yeah.
Ooh, look at the panniers on the side of that woman's bicycle! Mine was Michael J Fox, I think.
- Paulo Nutini.
- Mila Kunis was like, "Yeah!" - George Michael.
- On the topic of porn, Jake Bass.
I used to be obsessed with Rihanna.
NSYNC.
It's so embarrassing, I'm really sorry.
It's not That's out there now isn't it!? I think I had Take That on my wall My first crush was a guy called Craig And I had to tell my mum and dad I was gay! From a pop group called Deuce! Mine's been Keira Knightley, probably when I was about seven.
On the Bible I will swear My first crush that I can really remember was Michael Caine.
Even now I'm like, just strip down to a sports bra, you don't need to be in Atonement.
Run around a few laps, get the sprinklers out! When he wore the really cool glasses, you know, sort of geek glasses as we know them now.
Call it love, if you want I don't think it ever really goes, that one crush when you were little, I think that kind of, maybe shapes your type now.
When they came in to fashion a couple of years ago, I was like, I fancied everyone! I was just like "Oh, my God!" It was sort of like this hidden thing that I'd kept buried for years! It was like, "Oh, you all look like Michael Caine now, you know in like, skinny suits and geek glasses? I was like "I'm in heaven!" Who was your teenage crush? David Cassidy was mine.
Ooh, that hair! A lot of girls had crushes on David Cassidy.
I don't suppose you even remember who that is! His lovely hair and his lovely looks, and his face is beautiful.
Ooh, and that mouth.
I used to have my bedroom wall covered in his pictures, so when I wake up in the morning, he were there, he were mine! He were nobody else's, he was mine! But I had a crush on Rudolf Nureyev, the ballet dancer.
I had no idea he was gay.
I wanted to know how he felt, all those muscles, and what was the scent of him? That was also in the fantasy somewhere.
One of my teachers, that was about it.
I used to dream about him.
Can't remember his name, it was that long ago.
Did you just want to marry your teacher? - Yeah.
- Or cuddle, or was it actually wanting to be fucked by him? - Whoa! - Oh, no.
No, none of that.
Well, I don't know! I used to have these - nice warm feelings.
- There's no cuddling with Keira Knightley, whatsoever.
None.
We can cuddle afterwards, that's fine, but I don't think I've ever looked at Keira Knightley and thought "Oh, yeah, I'd like to take you home to my mum and have dinner with you and introduce you to my nan.
" No, I just want to have sex with you! We're going to make wonderful sex and shag all night, kissing each other.
I'd be playing with his balls all night, and you do, you have these weird fantasies and you get excited and you go home and you finger yourself.
Mainly just the continuing fucking of Rihanna was kind of fixated in my head more than anything.
Growing up, that was my fixation, was the penis itself was the fixation, not even the men, it was like sex, sex, it's raw, it's it's bodily and I grew up with that sense of sex wasn't about the emotion or it wasn't about being with someone, it was about "being with someone!" The whole purpose of me marrying her was so I could continuously fuck her, opposed to just marrying her for a nice relationship.
Sometimes you think about, you'd really like to fuck them, or whatever, but then you just think, no, you sit yourself down and go, "No!" Why just no? Just I think it's sort of an unhealthy mindset to have, really.
What would they think if they knew you were thinking that? I imagined your following, although it's huge, I imagine it to be mostly young guys.
But it seems to be What is the appeal? It's like 60% girls.
For the same reason all these little girls like One Direction.
These porn stars have almost crossed over, and became pin-ups in their own right, like Jake, the kid with the massive tattoo on his neck.
It's literally like idolising.
He's become an idol of the teenage girls.
Like little girls, like 16-year-old girls, they're not legal! They draw us and send us presents and have us as their default - and you know, "ship" us.
- Yeah, ship us.
Whatever that means.
They think that we're in a relationship and they want us to be in a relationship.
I don't know what that says about sexuality that these teenage girls are watching these boyish guys of early 20 something or whatever, fucking! The sort of girls I gravitate towards are the ones who would be like "Gay sex is really hot," and I'd be like, "You're right.
It is.
" I don't know if it's as far as fucking them.
- No, I don't think so.
- Because they clearly know we're gay, they love the idea of I don't know.
Unobtainable, maybe? When Jodie Foster came out, I remember a man going "Oh, now she's gay," like in any way it had changed your chances of having sex with Jodie Foster, - see what I mean? - Yeah.
I think there is, and that what was safe about people like that, the fact that you weren't ever going to be intimidated or confronted by that.
When you grow up, you get to know that's years you've gone through and it's just fantasy, it's just dreams.
Has anyone in real life ever measured up to NSYNC? - Oh, my God, I don't think so.
- That's shocking, isn't it? No.
Well in a way, I suppose I've really never thought about it before.
Fantasy's always better than reality isn't it? Like, I never met JC Chasez but, we would have had a wonderful life together! Thanks to YouPorn, Tumblr and Channel 4, I have a constant supply of soft and hardcore porn at my fingertips.
I bash one out once a day, twice on Sundays because of the Hollyoaks omnibus and cos I masturbate religiously.
I'm 48 years old, so I have sex religiously, by which I mean only at Christmas.
I masturbate four to five times a week, usually over photographs of people less than half my age, but I read in The Guardian that ejaculation helps to prevent prostate cancer, so fuck you all! I think I may have prostate cancer but it doesn't stop me masturbating! Is like, your first sexual experience always going to be bad, - do you think? - Mine was great! Mine was great at the time, but the aftermath was bad, I think there's always something about your first time that is really embarrassing! I was more or less just sat on.
I tried to pretend I knew what I was doing I didn't know what I was doing.
I just took advice from the internet.
And of course, I didn't! I sat and googled it for about an hour or two beforehand.
My first time, it started and ended about in the same five minutes.
In the back of a cinema.
I laughed all the way through it.
It's really kind of, for one, tacky! I lost mine in the disabled toilets of my local park, whilst a disabled guy was banging on the door trying to use the loo.
So, yeah, it sort of made up for the fact that it was so quick, to be honest.
I went with it because she was my girlfriend but it wasn't really - nice.
- Nothing special, even a bit of blood.
I was like, "Oh, for God's sake, was that all it was?" After that it was sort of like, well not much else can shock me any more.
I've just had to walk past a guy in a wheelchair after having sex in his toilet.
So there's not many more taboos you can break after that.
My first sexual experience, I think it was a lot of fun, I mean because there's such an adrenaline rush, you know? It was all new so I wanted to try everything at once.
We were both straight at one point and we both had sex with girls.
I remember the first time like just kissing a girl, that buzz is just like, lads, you are not going to even just a kiss literally like that and it was just like, that is amazing.
I still have it now when I'm going out with girls and seeing girls, cos I'm still kind of not an adult.
Playing the piano.
It's an inside joke.
Well, no, she taught me to finger her and I was just like playing the piano, I didn't know what I was doing down there! I think it can be great, I think the first time you realise how another person can make you feel, that can be a really incredible thing, you know.
I don't think it has to be bad at all.
I can't really say too much on this, really.
Ah Jack, my little virgin friend.
It's OK, I mean, I only lost it this year, so I can still go this year.
Ah, Jack that's endearing and cute.
It works in your favour.
Well done, Michael Cera.
- I shouldn't have even been contemplating it.
- How old were you? I must have been about 14.
I didn't lose my virginity until I was 17.
So I had a lot of ground to make up on.
My first kiss was when I was 23.
The first time I slept with someone was a few months later when I was 24.
13, I think I was.
I was quite young.
I was 13, I was going through a big experimental stage.
I'd seen porn, my world had been opened up to a whole new perspective.
You want to be the kind of top guy.
Around 13, it's quite young still but for a lad, you want to be the first one there.
A lot of my friends were losing their virginity at 14 and, you know, 15, so 17 for me felt ancient.
You get a lot of people lying and exaggerating about what they've done.
You want to be like your friends, you want to be like the people you admire, the people who are the best, the most voracious in your year.
You want to align yourself with them, so of course you fib a bit.
When I was a lot younger, like 13, 14, 15, I think I'd lied about saying I'd kissed someone, but then as I got older, it kind of got a bit more endearing that I hadn't, so then I stopped lying.
As someone who's lost their virginity twice Erm The second time, fucking brilliant.
The second time, yeah.
The first time I had sex with someone after I'd had surgery.
Growing up, as a teenager I was so androgynous and I got to 16 and was like "I don't know who I am, I'm going to fuck anything that moves!" And then when I went to college I started seeing this guy.
It was a typical 17-year-old relationship, lots of fucking in nightclubs, and getting high and just bad behaviour generally, cos you're 17 and you don't know what "Yeah, we'd go off and do this.
" You think the world belongs to you and you're totally impervious to any damage of anything that can happen.
It's so frustrating, watching watching, looking back at myself and then watching other teenagers now and just going "Oh, look, just stop making it into such a big deal.
" "It's fun.
Have fun with it.
"