Tofu (2014) s01e07 Episode Script


Online, 150 feet away.
Six foot and currently single.
Looking for chat, dates, networking, relationship, right now.
I know what I like, do you? I like attractive tops, I like fine intellects, I like bears.
I like deploying technologies of power to resist and counterattack the regimes of normalisation that constitute sexuality in the West.
I'm not really attracted to guys under 25.
Looking for? No NSA, it's boring.
Don't be a freak, thanks.
How's that sexy shit pussy of yours doing today? Relaxed? For real?? Sexy shit pussy?? Do you suck cock god? I mean, good.
I was talking to a gay friend of mine about that whole Grindr thing of just, like, I'll meet you under the bridge, and I'll suck you off.
And once I'm finished sucking you off, you can just leave and that's that's good enough.
I was like, - I don't get why anyone would do that! - No.
What's in that? - But, his point was - I mean, under a bridge, really! I mean, some of us like to look at the stars! I don't understand anything like that, so I don't know what you're on about.
It's an app where you see who's ready and available in the immediate vicinity.
It's like the lonely hearts, isn't it? Years ago in the newspapers, you used to read the lonely hearts and you could tell which ones wanted to have a shag and you could tell which ones were in it for the long term.
And if you talk a good game, - you can go and get a bit.
- In the door, out the door, come as you go.
The Wash And Go of sex! - That's really worrying, actually.
- I think it is.
Because it's almost like prostitution on your phone.
What, go and meet up, just a complete stranger? I think there's something wrong with you if you do that.
Something's missing in your life.
Did I, as a straight man, have any idea how sexy it was to be engaged in a sexual act with somebody who was a total stranger, that for the blower, it was actually a deeply sexual experience because you could go away and just feel like, "Oh, my God I totally sucked that guy's cock!" And I was like, meh And then literally all it took for him to say was, "What if you could get away with doing that with women?" Even with the straight versions of Grindr, like Blendr and things like that, it's almost like you could order yourself up a dick a day.
It's like, do you want a dick a day? I do! Yeah, that is really sexy.
A gay friend of mine A friend of mine who's gay they live near Hampstead Heath, and there was a campaign there a few years ago, saying they didn't want gay men on Hampstead Heath meeting gay men on Hampstead Heath, and him saying to me, "You know, it's just jealousy.
" That if straight men knew there was a place they could go where you're guaranteed a woman would suck you off there would be bus trips! They wouldn't be able to get there, the house prices around that place would be astronomical.
I first downloaded Grindr when the app launched.
I thought, "This is really clever.
This gay's here, this gay's there.
" I did message people, and a few were just like, "Do you wanna have sex, wanna fuck, wanna come round ?" And I was just like, "Oh, no, that's not really what I'm looking for " "Why are you on Grindr, then?" Half these people are never gonna meet anyone, they're just there to get attention, to see dicks and whatnot.
I think that's kind of sleazy, to be honest with you.
Even more than actually meeting someone and making a real connection.
One guy sent me a really abusive message that just said, "Don't come on Grindr unless you're looking for cock.
" And then he sent me a picture of his dick "Like this.
" Show me your dick, show me your dick.
I mean Grindr, for me, when I first started using it, it exposed me to a lot of new things like, you know Before porn, it was kinda Topping? No, it was kinda like a learning lesson, like I learned a lot of terms through Grindr, I learned a lot of you know, gay phrases WS, PNP, YUC, blah, blah, blah A lot of things that, in the gay world, it's a necessity to know.
'Enlighten me, what kind of thing would you write in your profile?' In my profile, I always put very brief things, because I was told by a friend once, leave it brief and it keeps them coming back for more.
Or, as the case is, leave it brief, nobody's bothered! I learnt that mistake.
I think I said something like, "Young" - that was a lie - "young " fun and looking for adventure.
" Looking for adventure? I've barely left my house for the last six years of my life that's a lie as well! Online, loading more guys.
1 miles away.
It's really pretty simple.
Old? Ugly? Be real, you've seen a mirror.
Weigh twice what I do? If you answer yes, assume I hate you.
What are you on here for? I wish I had some sort of profile that answered that exact fucking question.
YOU trying to fuck? Why else would I join this thing? Do you like licking feet? Location plz.
Promise you don't have an STD? Nope.
Nope, you don't have an STD, or nope, you don't promise? I don't promise.
YOLO! Grindr seems to me like a a great thing.
You know, if everyone's in it together and everyone wants the same things, and great that Tinder exists now for women, because I think for too long, gay men have had the monopoly on that kind of world.
Then along came Tinder, and I thought, "Hey, there's a new thing that everyone's talking about, let me get that.
" - That lasted two days, deleted that.
- 'Why?' Because I didn't hear back from anyone.
It kind of boosts your confidence, you feel pretty cool when you get, "like, like, like".
You're getting messaged, "Hey, where you from?" You're like, "Fucking hell, doing good, I am!" I haven't even said anything, and I'm doing wicked already, like! I have Grindr on my phone and it only gets used when he nicks my phone, opens it up and goes, "Ooh, Grindr.
" Or when we're at a party and its about six o'clock in the morning and we're all really bored and it's like, "Let's look at what's on Grindr right now.
" Oh, look, it's everyone else at the party! It's not addicting, it's just Oh, fuck, it's addicting.
We're in the same hotel room, and I think we've had maybe three conversations.
- That's bullshit.
- Because he's constantly on it.
Because you don't say anything interesting to me! - I'm gonna kill him.
- 'That's all right, you can kill him.
'I don't think they'll mind it.
' It's quite controversial, that dating stuff.
- Very.
- You need to know what you're looking for, and you do get some weirdos.
I've had quite a few weirdos that have got in touch with me.
- Yes, Sonia - I've had one guy on there, I think I was talking to him for about a week and he asked me to marry him.
- Bloody hell! - He said, "Will you marry me? I'm in love with you.
" I said, "You've never met me.
" He goes, "I don't care, I'm in love with you.
" Oh, God.
And once I get what I want, I've no further use for you.
Women get my heart.
Men get to suck my clit with no entry.
I'm so happy I haven't got any idea what you're talking about.
Hi there.
22 years old, I'm 5 foot 11, 160lbs, white, toned, single.
Don't be gay no pic, no dick! Make me cum.
Why don't you tell us how you really feel? I fuck you, or you blow me.
Your mates can film it.
Couples and gangs, front of the queue.
1-on-1 is hot too.
Not a fan of STDs.
Interested? Have you grown a face yet? - You like it? - That ain't no face.
- Top or bottom? - Top.
- How big? - Don't know, I've not measured it since I was 15.
Were you a fan of the Sugababes? Best go coz this relationship is not moving very quickly.
It seems to me that a lot of my gay friends, the gay experience really can be pretty transactional when it comes to sex.
It can be go there, don't even really have to buy anyone a drink, cos we all understand that we wanna cum! It's really interesting doing this and having, as a result, spent a lot of time talking with Being a "gay man" for this And talking and experiencing this world that one of the things I really admire about it is there's an honesty about it.
An absolute honesty in the fact that, "Do you know why I'm here? "Cos actually I want to have sex.
" And actually that's true in so many codified relationships, heterosexual or whatever, but we sort of pretend it's not, we sort of pretend it's something else.
'Sorry to interrupt you, its time to ' Coitus interruptus! 'Sorry to interrupt, but you might just ruin your career if you carry on like that, so we'll just get you out of there!' Maybe there's not enough kindness in the world, maybe we are all cynical and hardened by these websites and the porn on the internet.
But you do find gems.
And I've found a couple of lovely people.
I know several couples who've met through internet dating, who are really, really happy, and have got children together, who've got married or have civil partnerships because of it.
For me, it was this one particular website that just made my entire teenage years.
And is the reason why I have all of the friends I have now.
And being able to talk to queer people about being queer and what that means and stuff, was If it wasn't for that, I'd probably still be in Reigate surrounded by straight people, wondering what the hell was wrong with me, I think!