Top Cat (1961) s01e02 Episode Script
The Maharajah of Pookajee
Hello, Room Service? This is the Maharajah of Pookajee.
-Room Service! -What took you so long? Never mind.
Send up everything on the menu and charge it to the manager, with my compliments.
Here's a little something for your trouble, fellows.
Keep the change.
-Wow, look at the size of that ruby! -It's mine.
-Oh, yeah? He gave it to me.
-He gave it to me! It's every man for himself! Front! Back, front.
Back! -I got it! -My foot, you do! -Give me my ruby! -It's mine! Help! Step right up, folks.
This is it.
The big time in the big top where, for a slight fee, you'll see right before your very eyes the most daring, unbelievable high-trapeze act ever attempted.
I call your attention to stage right, for the start of this death-defying act.
Nobody said anything about defying no death to me.
This brave performer will swing across the street, catch his partner -and swing back, all without a net.
-Now he tells me.
-Okay, maestro, if you please.
-Right.
What's that crowd doing in the alley? Top Cat must be up to something.
The least T.
C.
could have done was let us rehearse this once.
Five hundred alleys in New York, and I gotta have one with a nut in it.
What in the.
Officer Dibble.
Excuse me, folks.
I gotta go water the elephants.
I'm ready, Brain.
Officer Dibble, what are you doing here? Everybody wants to get in the act.
Brain, I'm warning you.
Put me down or I'll run you in.
Okay.
It wasn't much, but he sure is game.
That did it.
Now I'm really sore.
Old Dibble is on the warpath.
And when I find that Top Cat, the feathers are gonna fly.
It's too bad, fellows.
We had such a good thing going.
Lots of dough rolling in, and then Dibble has to play gangbusters.
He wasn't bad.
Maybe we could work him into the act.
No, he'd never go for it.
I gotta think up some new way to make a fast buck.
T.
C.
, what's a "may-hay-ray-chay"? -What's a what? -A "may-hay-ray-chay.
" Who do I look like, Daniel Webster? I didn't write no dictionary.
It says here he gives away rubies.
Thousands of dollars worth of rubies.
Rubies, schmoobies, who cares? I got my own problems.
Rubies? Let me see that paper.
"Maharajah of Pookajee to visit city.
"Rich potentate famous for giving away rubies instead of money.
" This is it, men.
Our ship has come in, loaded with rubies.
All right, everybody out.
This is a raid! Fleeing the scene and resisting an officer? You're asking for it.
All we want is a little peace and quiet, Dibble.
You'll get it, all right.
It's very quiet in solitary confinement.
Interruptions.
If it ain't Dibble, it's something else.
Hello? Who? Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Will you call back later, Mac? Hi, Dibble.
Here's a call for you.
Part of my personal services to a great guy.
I hope you appreciate it.
-Give me that phone.
-It's all yours, Dibble.
I'll take care of you later, wise guy.
Hello, Sergeant, Dibble speaking.
That's gratitude for you.
I gotta remember not to send him any more birthday cards.
I'm on special assignment to guard the Maharajah of Pookajee? I guess he can use some police protection with all the jewels he carries.
-What time is he arriving? -Oh, yeah.
What time is he arriving? I got you, Sarge.
So long.
What'd he say? -Listening in on official business? -Well, not exactly, Officer.
It's just that as a citizen concerned with international goodwill I was interested in the Maharajah's visit to our fair city.
You were, were you? After all, how often do we get an opportunity to mingle with royalty? You can bet you won't be mingling with no royalty because I'm gonna be there to keep all finagling freeloaders away.
And that means you.
And another thing, Top Cat.
If I ever catch you using that phone again it's a free ride in the paddy wagon for you.
Get me? He really does that well, doesn't he? Dibble, the image you portray: incorruptible virtue.
The picture of a true guardian of the people.
If they don't give you a promotion soon the least they can give you is an Academy Award, Dibble.
But they won't.
You know why? Because they're jealous.
Gregory Peck should be grateful that you have chosen the profession of civil servant instead of acting.
Why, he'd be starving today.
All right, knock it off.
And remember what I told you.
I don't want to catch you hanging around the Sherry Plaza Hotel.
-Got it? -Yeah, Dibble, I got it.
And thanks, buddy.
T.
C.
, Officer Dibble was awfully mad.
I guess we can't get to see that maharajah.
Nonsense, my boy.
How's he gonna stop us? Remember, I've been using my brain for years.
Officer Dibble's is still practically brand-new.
I want you to round up the boys, Benny, 'cause we're having a meeting.
And that's the story, fellows.
This maharajah is so rich, he gives away rubies instead of money.
And as long as he's giving them away, he might as well give them to us, right? Remember, this is strictly a volunteer action.
Anyone who doesn't wish to become a millionaire in 24 hours may leave right now.
Any questions? How will I know if he gives me a ruby? I never saw a ruby before.
That's a good question, Benny.
It shows you're thinking.
Thinking, boy! Just take whatever he gives you.
Don't argue.
If he runs out of rubies, maybe he'll give you some emeralds.
I think maharajahs use them for small change.
Oh, boy, emeralds! People will be coming in from all over to get in on this.
So when we get down to the hotel, spread out.
You see a line forming, get on it.
That way, we're covered.
We ought to come out with something.
-Right, Top Cat.
-Right.
Yeah, right.
There it is, men.
Our gateway to gracious living.
One ruby, and we can live there for a year.
Now we gotta move fast, men.
Me and Benny will go in the front door.
Fancy and Spook, take the side entrance.
Like, got you, T.
C.
Choo Choo and Brain, you take the rear door.
-Right.
Rear door.
-Any questions? Where do we take the rear door to, T.
C.
? Where does he take the.
You don't take it anywhere, bubblehead.
You just go in.
And if you see a maharajah, just hold out your hand.
Now let's go.
Remember, Benny, we don't have to be too greedy.
One ruby should do it.
Officer Dibble.
I thought I told you I didn't want you hanging around this hotel! Benny, that's what I like about Dibble.
He remembers.
Dibble, the Maharajah should be proud knowing he has you to protect him.
Anybody else would be inside with his hand out, but not you.
Here you stand, staunch and vigilant, too modest to speak for yourself.
Content in the virtue of your integrity.
Steely-eyed, like an eagle.
Not giving a thought to the legendary generosity of this Indian prince.
Unwilling to compromise between avarice and pride in your work.
Come, Benny.
We must tell the Maharajah about Officer Dibble.
After all, how often do we get an opportunity to do something for someone we really like? -Top Cat? -Yeah, Dibble? Out.
-And stay out! -Oh, boy.
-T.
C.
, what will we do now? -I'm thinking.
I guess they only let maharajahs in the hotel today? Yeah.
That's it, Choo Choo.
You just gave me an idea.
-No kidding.
I did? -Yeah.
I'll tell you what you do.
Run down to the dime store and get me a lot of beads.
You know, those glass beads? The rest of you, into that truck.
Mingle with the laundry, and pick out something in your size.
Sheets, towels, anything.
We're all gonna be maharajahs.
Boy, I'm gonna like this.
I never was a maharajah before.
Top Cat, I got the glass beads.
What do you want them for? I'm a big tipper, that's why.
Wrap a towel around your head, Benny.
Is it all right to wear a Turkish towel if I'm an Indian? Sure, Dibble won't know.
The closest he's ever come to royalty was once when he had a pair of kings playing poker.
All right, group, we're all set.
Remember to keep your mouths shut.
I'll do all the talking.
Follow me, men.
Faster.
It's the Maharajah.
What a distinguished-looking guy.
Okay, we got past Dibble.
If you see a line, get on it and stick your hand out.
Maharajah! Your Excellency! A thousand pardons, but we did not expect you so soon.
That's funny, T.
C.
That guy thinks you're a real maharajah.
We received your telegram, but you did not specify the time of arrival.
I didn't? Boy, I gotta take advantage of this.
Did you send a wire, slave? Who, me? Honest, I didn't send any wire, Top-- Quiet, slave.
I'll deal with you later.
Five million subjects to choose from, and I had to pick this for my secretary.
Now look what you've done.
They're not expecting us for another week.
Oh, how awkward.
Now we'll have to find another hotel.
Another hotel? No.
You misunderstand, Your Highness.
-Your suite is ready.
-Suite? Did you say our suite is ready? Certainly, Highness.
Front! The Maharajah's bags.
Quick.
The bags.
They'll be here later.
My, what excellent service! Slave, rubies.
The beads, the glass beads.
Yeah, I got them.
Here you are, Your Royal Highness.
Thanks, slave.
I hope you guys don't mind rubies.
I never remember to carry cash.
Rubies! -I got them ! -They're mine! Stop it, I say.
This is a respectable hotel.
Please try to remember that! Yes, sir.
We will, sir.
Will you forgive the commotion, Your Highness? Very well, if you insist.
Come on, gang.
-Going up, please.
-Oh, boy, rubies! They're mine! -No, they're not! -Come on, let go! I want them ! -Boy, this is some layout, T.
C.
-Yeah, like, it's cool.
I never seen anything like this before.
You can, like, say that again, you know? -I said gracious living, right? -That's what you said.
Anything we want, the manager said.
That means unlimited credit.
We can live like kings.
But, T.
C.
, what are we gonna do if the real maharajah comes along? The real maharajah? Bite your tongue, Benny.
You saw the telegram, didn't you? He's not expected for another week.
So let's live, live, live! But, T.
C.
, what if the hotel manager finds out? Yeah, baby, like, what happens then, you know? Do I hear voices of discontent after we have it made? The classiest hotel in town insists we be their guests.
They fix us up this $200-a-day suite for us.
They insist on feeding us.
-Feeding us? -Yeah, look at this menu.
Lobster thermidor, pheasant under glass, oysters Rockefeller, steak.
-Did you say "steak"? -With mushroom sauce, yet.
Mushroom sauce yet.
Where? -Any of you guys ever had Baked Alaska? -I never even had it raw.
-Does it really say "wild strawberries"? -And, like, 6-inch-thick steaks? Hello, Room Service? This is the Maharajah of Pookajee.
-Room Service! -What took you so long? Never mind.
Send up everything on the menu and charge it to the manager with my compliments.
Here's a little something for your trouble, fellows.
Keep the change.
-Wow, look at the size of that ruby! -It's mine.
-Oh, yeah? He gave it to me.
-He gave it to me! It's every man for himself! Front! Back, front.
Back! -I got it! -My foot, you do! -Order! -Give me my ruby! -It's mine! -Help! Remember, that maharajah's loaded.
We go in, heist the jewels, and scram.
Got it? Yeah, boss.
But what do we do first: scram, or heist the jewels? Never mind.
Just do what I tell you.
Oh, boy.
Wild strawberries with whipped cream.
This is really living.
T.
C.
, somebody's at the door.
Well, open it.
That's probably Room Service.
That's how they work in a classy joint.
Fast.
Hi, fellows.
Did you bring the food? -Food? -No, we brought something else.
Yeah? What? This.
Tell them to put it on a table, Benny.
And don't wait for us.
You must be starved.
-Not anymore.
-Why not? I just lost my appetite.
Don't tell me they got the order wrong.
I'll just.
You the Maharajah? I'm sorry, but we're awfully busy right now.
No time for autographs.
This is a stickup.
Yeah, a heist.
We want all the rubies you got, pal.
You want the rubies? This is like the Peter Pistol program.
-You're not Peter Pistol, are you? -Who, me? Of course you are! That steely glint in your eyes -that strong jaw.
You are Peter Pistol.
-No, I'm not.
My name is Spike.
You're joking.
I know you must be Peter Pistol.
I'll leave it to my servant here.
Slave? Look at this handsome man.
What do you see? Peter Pistol, right? I don't see Peter Pistol, but I see a pistol all right.
See, what did I tell you? And you.
Don't tell me.
You must be the star of that TV program Have Gun, Will Shoot.
Wrong.
This program ain't on TV.
It's coming in live.
We ain't got all day, so make with the rubies.
Yes, the rubies.
Well, I don't know.
As a rule, it's my habit to give away "rubbies," I mean rubies, to those who do me a favor.
Then that's me, pal, on account of I'm doing you a real big favor by not blowing your head off.
Quit stalling and hand over the loot.
What a pity.
It hardly seems worth the trouble you gentlemen have gone to.
Hardly even $100,000 worth.
You must order some more tomorrow, slave.
-Yes, sir.
-I mean, how would it look in the papers? Here I am, one of the wealthiest maharajahs in the world and to be robbed of such a paltry sum is disgraceful.
Promise me you won't tell.
I'll be sure to have some more tomorrow.
Do you gentlemen think you can come back tomorrow? I don't know, Your Majesty.
It's up to the boss here.
-He's the brains of this operation.
-lf you don't mind this little bit? No, that's okay.
And thanks, Your Majesty.
Say, are you sure you're not Peter Pistol? -Honest, I ain't.
He's a little taller.
-Knock it off and let's get going.
Gosh, they got away with all our rubies.
They were only glass beads, Benny.
Okay, you guys, you can come out now.
-Nice going, T.
C.
-All in a day's work, boys.
Benny, run down to the dime store.
Get some more beads.
We'll need them when our dinners get here.
Okay, T.
C.
I beg your pardon.
I'm from Finchley, Finchley, and Finchley Jewelers.
The Maharajah of Pookajee has requested us to bring some of our most precious gems for his collection.
Is the Maharajah in? Yes, but he's having lunch now.
I wouldn't want to disturb him.
But there's one of his servants.
Perhaps you can give the jewels to him.
-Hey, you.
-Who, me? -Yes.
This gentleman wants to see you.
-Okay.
Take these jewels to your master.
He's expecting them.
T.
C.
was right.
You sure do get good service in this hotel.
-T.
C.
, I got them.
I got the beads.
-Good boy.
I got some real nice ones this time.
Maybe I ought to give one to Officer Dibble just for laughs.
He'd think he got a fortune.
Take a look out the window, Benny.
See what's going on.
All I see is a limousine and a bunch of motorcycle cops.
They're stopping here at the hotel.
Probably our Rockefeller oysters arriving.
Choo Choo, go downstairs and see that they get here right away.
I'm starved.
Go like the wind, boy.
Go, Mercury, fly.
Your slightest wish is my command, O My Highness.
Hasten, make ready.
The Maharajah of Pookajee arrives this very moment.
Why, the Maharajah is already here.
He arrived not an hour ago.
Sam.
You, at the desk.
Where are those oysters? The Maharajah's getting very impatient.
See? That is one of his servants.
Imposter! He's a fake! The real maharajah is waiting outside.
Holy mackerel! Wait till T.
C.
hears this.
That's the worst.
That's the Maharajah down there.
The real one.
The real one? I knew this was too good to last.
All right, everybody, scramble.
Everybody out.
-How do we get out? What do we do? -Do what I do.
Use the emergency exit.
Everybody down the laundry chute.
We'll scatter and meet down by the docks.
Why, it's the Maharajah.
Excuse me, sir.
I didn't see you coming.
Quite all right, Officer.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Just a minute, Your Majesty.
You dropped your jewels.
Oh, yeah, jewels.
You keep them, Officer.
You've done such a splendid job.
Splendid, boy! Gosh, thanks.
Wow, wait till I tell the wife about this.
Everything is ready, sir.
They're expecting you inside.
They are, are they? Those autograph hounds aren't going to catch me.
I'm going in the side entrance.
Oh, no, not another one.
The joint's jumping with maharajahs all of a sudden.
Let's get your hat on straight.
You got a better chance of looking like one.
-Thank you kindly, sir.
-Forget it.
I can tell you one thing.
You're wasting your time.
The real maharajah just showed up.
-Here, my good man.
-What's this? Some rubies for you.
I always reward kindness with rubies.
Oh, brother, he's got that line down pat.
Well, so long, and arrivederci to you, kiddo.
Here he comes now! Hi, Top Cat! How do you like that? Rubies.
That guy's using my racket.
-Yeah, everybody's getting into the act.
-Who needs this junk? Let's see, maybe I can still work this combination and make $50.
Hi, Top Cat.
Well, it's Officer Dibble.
I just dropped by to say goodbye to you guys.
Goodbye? Where are you going? Why aren't you in uniform? What happened? Me and the wife are taking a trip for a couple of weeks.
A trip? Officer Dibble, sir, don't tell me you got a horse running and never told me.
A horse? No.
I bumped into that maharajah and I guess he appreciated the police protection I gave him, because he gave me a bag full of rubies.
-Rubies.
They were glass beads.
-Glass beads? Okay, have it your way.
You say glass beads, I say rubies.
So long, Top Cat.
How did that happen? I must have goofed someplace.
T.
C.
, you wanna hear something funny? Remember that little guy you bumped into at the hotel? Here's his picture in the paper.
He's the real maharajah.
-The real maharajah? -Yeah, look.
"The Maharajah of Pookajee arrives at hotel today.
"Eccentric millionaire reported giving away fortune in rubies.
" How do you like that? I thought he was a phony operator, and it turns out he's the real thing.
He even gives me a whole bag of rubies, and what do I do? I chuck them in the ocean.
Wait a minute, what am I saying? Here we are talking while some poor fish is getting rich.
Quick, get the gang.
Bring aqualungs, flippers, snorkels.
Get a boat.
Get going.
Move it, boy! A little more to the left, Choo Choo.
You see anything? Spook, you look under those rocks.
Brain, go deeper.
No, to your left.
No, to your right! Back this way.
This is ridiculous.
What am I doing, sending children out to do a man's job? Here, Benny, hold my hat.
Geronimo! Now why did he do that? He knows he can't swim.
-Room Service! -What took you so long? Never mind.
Send up everything on the menu and charge it to the manager, with my compliments.
Here's a little something for your trouble, fellows.
Keep the change.
-Wow, look at the size of that ruby! -It's mine.
-Oh, yeah? He gave it to me.
-He gave it to me! It's every man for himself! Front! Back, front.
Back! -I got it! -My foot, you do! -Give me my ruby! -It's mine! Help! Step right up, folks.
This is it.
The big time in the big top where, for a slight fee, you'll see right before your very eyes the most daring, unbelievable high-trapeze act ever attempted.
I call your attention to stage right, for the start of this death-defying act.
Nobody said anything about defying no death to me.
This brave performer will swing across the street, catch his partner -and swing back, all without a net.
-Now he tells me.
-Okay, maestro, if you please.
-Right.
What's that crowd doing in the alley? Top Cat must be up to something.
The least T.
C.
could have done was let us rehearse this once.
Five hundred alleys in New York, and I gotta have one with a nut in it.
What in the.
Officer Dibble.
Excuse me, folks.
I gotta go water the elephants.
I'm ready, Brain.
Officer Dibble, what are you doing here? Everybody wants to get in the act.
Brain, I'm warning you.
Put me down or I'll run you in.
Okay.
It wasn't much, but he sure is game.
That did it.
Now I'm really sore.
Old Dibble is on the warpath.
And when I find that Top Cat, the feathers are gonna fly.
It's too bad, fellows.
We had such a good thing going.
Lots of dough rolling in, and then Dibble has to play gangbusters.
He wasn't bad.
Maybe we could work him into the act.
No, he'd never go for it.
I gotta think up some new way to make a fast buck.
T.
C.
, what's a "may-hay-ray-chay"? -What's a what? -A "may-hay-ray-chay.
" Who do I look like, Daniel Webster? I didn't write no dictionary.
It says here he gives away rubies.
Thousands of dollars worth of rubies.
Rubies, schmoobies, who cares? I got my own problems.
Rubies? Let me see that paper.
"Maharajah of Pookajee to visit city.
"Rich potentate famous for giving away rubies instead of money.
" This is it, men.
Our ship has come in, loaded with rubies.
All right, everybody out.
This is a raid! Fleeing the scene and resisting an officer? You're asking for it.
All we want is a little peace and quiet, Dibble.
You'll get it, all right.
It's very quiet in solitary confinement.
Interruptions.
If it ain't Dibble, it's something else.
Hello? Who? Look, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Will you call back later, Mac? Hi, Dibble.
Here's a call for you.
Part of my personal services to a great guy.
I hope you appreciate it.
-Give me that phone.
-It's all yours, Dibble.
I'll take care of you later, wise guy.
Hello, Sergeant, Dibble speaking.
That's gratitude for you.
I gotta remember not to send him any more birthday cards.
I'm on special assignment to guard the Maharajah of Pookajee? I guess he can use some police protection with all the jewels he carries.
-What time is he arriving? -Oh, yeah.
What time is he arriving? I got you, Sarge.
So long.
What'd he say? -Listening in on official business? -Well, not exactly, Officer.
It's just that as a citizen concerned with international goodwill I was interested in the Maharajah's visit to our fair city.
You were, were you? After all, how often do we get an opportunity to mingle with royalty? You can bet you won't be mingling with no royalty because I'm gonna be there to keep all finagling freeloaders away.
And that means you.
And another thing, Top Cat.
If I ever catch you using that phone again it's a free ride in the paddy wagon for you.
Get me? He really does that well, doesn't he? Dibble, the image you portray: incorruptible virtue.
The picture of a true guardian of the people.
If they don't give you a promotion soon the least they can give you is an Academy Award, Dibble.
But they won't.
You know why? Because they're jealous.
Gregory Peck should be grateful that you have chosen the profession of civil servant instead of acting.
Why, he'd be starving today.
All right, knock it off.
And remember what I told you.
I don't want to catch you hanging around the Sherry Plaza Hotel.
-Got it? -Yeah, Dibble, I got it.
And thanks, buddy.
T.
C.
, Officer Dibble was awfully mad.
I guess we can't get to see that maharajah.
Nonsense, my boy.
How's he gonna stop us? Remember, I've been using my brain for years.
Officer Dibble's is still practically brand-new.
I want you to round up the boys, Benny, 'cause we're having a meeting.
And that's the story, fellows.
This maharajah is so rich, he gives away rubies instead of money.
And as long as he's giving them away, he might as well give them to us, right? Remember, this is strictly a volunteer action.
Anyone who doesn't wish to become a millionaire in 24 hours may leave right now.
Any questions? How will I know if he gives me a ruby? I never saw a ruby before.
That's a good question, Benny.
It shows you're thinking.
Thinking, boy! Just take whatever he gives you.
Don't argue.
If he runs out of rubies, maybe he'll give you some emeralds.
I think maharajahs use them for small change.
Oh, boy, emeralds! People will be coming in from all over to get in on this.
So when we get down to the hotel, spread out.
You see a line forming, get on it.
That way, we're covered.
We ought to come out with something.
-Right, Top Cat.
-Right.
Yeah, right.
There it is, men.
Our gateway to gracious living.
One ruby, and we can live there for a year.
Now we gotta move fast, men.
Me and Benny will go in the front door.
Fancy and Spook, take the side entrance.
Like, got you, T.
C.
Choo Choo and Brain, you take the rear door.
-Right.
Rear door.
-Any questions? Where do we take the rear door to, T.
C.
? Where does he take the.
You don't take it anywhere, bubblehead.
You just go in.
And if you see a maharajah, just hold out your hand.
Now let's go.
Remember, Benny, we don't have to be too greedy.
One ruby should do it.
Officer Dibble.
I thought I told you I didn't want you hanging around this hotel! Benny, that's what I like about Dibble.
He remembers.
Dibble, the Maharajah should be proud knowing he has you to protect him.
Anybody else would be inside with his hand out, but not you.
Here you stand, staunch and vigilant, too modest to speak for yourself.
Content in the virtue of your integrity.
Steely-eyed, like an eagle.
Not giving a thought to the legendary generosity of this Indian prince.
Unwilling to compromise between avarice and pride in your work.
Come, Benny.
We must tell the Maharajah about Officer Dibble.
After all, how often do we get an opportunity to do something for someone we really like? -Top Cat? -Yeah, Dibble? Out.
-And stay out! -Oh, boy.
-T.
C.
, what will we do now? -I'm thinking.
I guess they only let maharajahs in the hotel today? Yeah.
That's it, Choo Choo.
You just gave me an idea.
-No kidding.
I did? -Yeah.
I'll tell you what you do.
Run down to the dime store and get me a lot of beads.
You know, those glass beads? The rest of you, into that truck.
Mingle with the laundry, and pick out something in your size.
Sheets, towels, anything.
We're all gonna be maharajahs.
Boy, I'm gonna like this.
I never was a maharajah before.
Top Cat, I got the glass beads.
What do you want them for? I'm a big tipper, that's why.
Wrap a towel around your head, Benny.
Is it all right to wear a Turkish towel if I'm an Indian? Sure, Dibble won't know.
The closest he's ever come to royalty was once when he had a pair of kings playing poker.
All right, group, we're all set.
Remember to keep your mouths shut.
I'll do all the talking.
Follow me, men.
Faster.
It's the Maharajah.
What a distinguished-looking guy.
Okay, we got past Dibble.
If you see a line, get on it and stick your hand out.
Maharajah! Your Excellency! A thousand pardons, but we did not expect you so soon.
That's funny, T.
C.
That guy thinks you're a real maharajah.
We received your telegram, but you did not specify the time of arrival.
I didn't? Boy, I gotta take advantage of this.
Did you send a wire, slave? Who, me? Honest, I didn't send any wire, Top-- Quiet, slave.
I'll deal with you later.
Five million subjects to choose from, and I had to pick this for my secretary.
Now look what you've done.
They're not expecting us for another week.
Oh, how awkward.
Now we'll have to find another hotel.
Another hotel? No.
You misunderstand, Your Highness.
-Your suite is ready.
-Suite? Did you say our suite is ready? Certainly, Highness.
Front! The Maharajah's bags.
Quick.
The bags.
They'll be here later.
My, what excellent service! Slave, rubies.
The beads, the glass beads.
Yeah, I got them.
Here you are, Your Royal Highness.
Thanks, slave.
I hope you guys don't mind rubies.
I never remember to carry cash.
Rubies! -I got them ! -They're mine! Stop it, I say.
This is a respectable hotel.
Please try to remember that! Yes, sir.
We will, sir.
Will you forgive the commotion, Your Highness? Very well, if you insist.
Come on, gang.
-Going up, please.
-Oh, boy, rubies! They're mine! -No, they're not! -Come on, let go! I want them ! -Boy, this is some layout, T.
C.
-Yeah, like, it's cool.
I never seen anything like this before.
You can, like, say that again, you know? -I said gracious living, right? -That's what you said.
Anything we want, the manager said.
That means unlimited credit.
We can live like kings.
But, T.
C.
, what are we gonna do if the real maharajah comes along? The real maharajah? Bite your tongue, Benny.
You saw the telegram, didn't you? He's not expected for another week.
So let's live, live, live! But, T.
C.
, what if the hotel manager finds out? Yeah, baby, like, what happens then, you know? Do I hear voices of discontent after we have it made? The classiest hotel in town insists we be their guests.
They fix us up this $200-a-day suite for us.
They insist on feeding us.
-Feeding us? -Yeah, look at this menu.
Lobster thermidor, pheasant under glass, oysters Rockefeller, steak.
-Did you say "steak"? -With mushroom sauce, yet.
Mushroom sauce yet.
Where? -Any of you guys ever had Baked Alaska? -I never even had it raw.
-Does it really say "wild strawberries"? -And, like, 6-inch-thick steaks? Hello, Room Service? This is the Maharajah of Pookajee.
-Room Service! -What took you so long? Never mind.
Send up everything on the menu and charge it to the manager with my compliments.
Here's a little something for your trouble, fellows.
Keep the change.
-Wow, look at the size of that ruby! -It's mine.
-Oh, yeah? He gave it to me.
-He gave it to me! It's every man for himself! Front! Back, front.
Back! -I got it! -My foot, you do! -Order! -Give me my ruby! -It's mine! -Help! Remember, that maharajah's loaded.
We go in, heist the jewels, and scram.
Got it? Yeah, boss.
But what do we do first: scram, or heist the jewels? Never mind.
Just do what I tell you.
Oh, boy.
Wild strawberries with whipped cream.
This is really living.
T.
C.
, somebody's at the door.
Well, open it.
That's probably Room Service.
That's how they work in a classy joint.
Fast.
Hi, fellows.
Did you bring the food? -Food? -No, we brought something else.
Yeah? What? This.
Tell them to put it on a table, Benny.
And don't wait for us.
You must be starved.
-Not anymore.
-Why not? I just lost my appetite.
Don't tell me they got the order wrong.
I'll just.
You the Maharajah? I'm sorry, but we're awfully busy right now.
No time for autographs.
This is a stickup.
Yeah, a heist.
We want all the rubies you got, pal.
You want the rubies? This is like the Peter Pistol program.
-You're not Peter Pistol, are you? -Who, me? Of course you are! That steely glint in your eyes -that strong jaw.
You are Peter Pistol.
-No, I'm not.
My name is Spike.
You're joking.
I know you must be Peter Pistol.
I'll leave it to my servant here.
Slave? Look at this handsome man.
What do you see? Peter Pistol, right? I don't see Peter Pistol, but I see a pistol all right.
See, what did I tell you? And you.
Don't tell me.
You must be the star of that TV program Have Gun, Will Shoot.
Wrong.
This program ain't on TV.
It's coming in live.
We ain't got all day, so make with the rubies.
Yes, the rubies.
Well, I don't know.
As a rule, it's my habit to give away "rubbies," I mean rubies, to those who do me a favor.
Then that's me, pal, on account of I'm doing you a real big favor by not blowing your head off.
Quit stalling and hand over the loot.
What a pity.
It hardly seems worth the trouble you gentlemen have gone to.
Hardly even $100,000 worth.
You must order some more tomorrow, slave.
-Yes, sir.
-I mean, how would it look in the papers? Here I am, one of the wealthiest maharajahs in the world and to be robbed of such a paltry sum is disgraceful.
Promise me you won't tell.
I'll be sure to have some more tomorrow.
Do you gentlemen think you can come back tomorrow? I don't know, Your Majesty.
It's up to the boss here.
-He's the brains of this operation.
-lf you don't mind this little bit? No, that's okay.
And thanks, Your Majesty.
Say, are you sure you're not Peter Pistol? -Honest, I ain't.
He's a little taller.
-Knock it off and let's get going.
Gosh, they got away with all our rubies.
They were only glass beads, Benny.
Okay, you guys, you can come out now.
-Nice going, T.
C.
-All in a day's work, boys.
Benny, run down to the dime store.
Get some more beads.
We'll need them when our dinners get here.
Okay, T.
C.
I beg your pardon.
I'm from Finchley, Finchley, and Finchley Jewelers.
The Maharajah of Pookajee has requested us to bring some of our most precious gems for his collection.
Is the Maharajah in? Yes, but he's having lunch now.
I wouldn't want to disturb him.
But there's one of his servants.
Perhaps you can give the jewels to him.
-Hey, you.
-Who, me? -Yes.
This gentleman wants to see you.
-Okay.
Take these jewels to your master.
He's expecting them.
T.
C.
was right.
You sure do get good service in this hotel.
-T.
C.
, I got them.
I got the beads.
-Good boy.
I got some real nice ones this time.
Maybe I ought to give one to Officer Dibble just for laughs.
He'd think he got a fortune.
Take a look out the window, Benny.
See what's going on.
All I see is a limousine and a bunch of motorcycle cops.
They're stopping here at the hotel.
Probably our Rockefeller oysters arriving.
Choo Choo, go downstairs and see that they get here right away.
I'm starved.
Go like the wind, boy.
Go, Mercury, fly.
Your slightest wish is my command, O My Highness.
Hasten, make ready.
The Maharajah of Pookajee arrives this very moment.
Why, the Maharajah is already here.
He arrived not an hour ago.
Sam.
You, at the desk.
Where are those oysters? The Maharajah's getting very impatient.
See? That is one of his servants.
Imposter! He's a fake! The real maharajah is waiting outside.
Holy mackerel! Wait till T.
C.
hears this.
That's the worst.
That's the Maharajah down there.
The real one.
The real one? I knew this was too good to last.
All right, everybody, scramble.
Everybody out.
-How do we get out? What do we do? -Do what I do.
Use the emergency exit.
Everybody down the laundry chute.
We'll scatter and meet down by the docks.
Why, it's the Maharajah.
Excuse me, sir.
I didn't see you coming.
Quite all right, Officer.
Now if you'll excuse me.
Just a minute, Your Majesty.
You dropped your jewels.
Oh, yeah, jewels.
You keep them, Officer.
You've done such a splendid job.
Splendid, boy! Gosh, thanks.
Wow, wait till I tell the wife about this.
Everything is ready, sir.
They're expecting you inside.
They are, are they? Those autograph hounds aren't going to catch me.
I'm going in the side entrance.
Oh, no, not another one.
The joint's jumping with maharajahs all of a sudden.
Let's get your hat on straight.
You got a better chance of looking like one.
-Thank you kindly, sir.
-Forget it.
I can tell you one thing.
You're wasting your time.
The real maharajah just showed up.
-Here, my good man.
-What's this? Some rubies for you.
I always reward kindness with rubies.
Oh, brother, he's got that line down pat.
Well, so long, and arrivederci to you, kiddo.
Here he comes now! Hi, Top Cat! How do you like that? Rubies.
That guy's using my racket.
-Yeah, everybody's getting into the act.
-Who needs this junk? Let's see, maybe I can still work this combination and make $50.
Hi, Top Cat.
Well, it's Officer Dibble.
I just dropped by to say goodbye to you guys.
Goodbye? Where are you going? Why aren't you in uniform? What happened? Me and the wife are taking a trip for a couple of weeks.
A trip? Officer Dibble, sir, don't tell me you got a horse running and never told me.
A horse? No.
I bumped into that maharajah and I guess he appreciated the police protection I gave him, because he gave me a bag full of rubies.
-Rubies.
They were glass beads.
-Glass beads? Okay, have it your way.
You say glass beads, I say rubies.
So long, Top Cat.
How did that happen? I must have goofed someplace.
T.
C.
, you wanna hear something funny? Remember that little guy you bumped into at the hotel? Here's his picture in the paper.
He's the real maharajah.
-The real maharajah? -Yeah, look.
"The Maharajah of Pookajee arrives at hotel today.
"Eccentric millionaire reported giving away fortune in rubies.
" How do you like that? I thought he was a phony operator, and it turns out he's the real thing.
He even gives me a whole bag of rubies, and what do I do? I chuck them in the ocean.
Wait a minute, what am I saying? Here we are talking while some poor fish is getting rich.
Quick, get the gang.
Bring aqualungs, flippers, snorkels.
Get a boat.
Get going.
Move it, boy! A little more to the left, Choo Choo.
You see anything? Spook, you look under those rocks.
Brain, go deeper.
No, to your left.
No, to your right! Back this way.
This is ridiculous.
What am I doing, sending children out to do a man's job? Here, Benny, hold my hat.
Geronimo! Now why did he do that? He knows he can't swim.