Top Cat (1961) s01e03 Episode Script

I'm going to introduce some real class into this town.
Bingo games, pinochle, hayrides, parties, everything.
-Gee, that sounds great, Jazz.
-That's only the beginning.
Ten ball in the corner pocket.
Three-cushion ricochet the hard way.
Hold the phone.
Cease.
Desist.
Halt.
Slow down, slippery.
You got a long way to slide.
I hate to intrude on your empire building, buster but I am top cat around here.
That's all like passe, friend.
A new breed is taking over.
If you don't mind, my pals and I are having a little game of pool.
You get the point? This is the big city.
Each day, hundreds of people arrive seeking a new way of life searching for the big break.
And here we see a pair of hardy fortune seekers newly arrived on the city scene.
Jazz, wake up.
We're here.
Right.
Let's go, Bo.
You all right, Jazz? Yeah.
But you better watch that first step.
It's a doozie.
Here we are, Bo.
The big town where an agile mind can find new worlds to conquer.
You mean, you're gonna get a job, Jazz? What a revolting thought.
No.
I'm going to find us a nice soft touch somewhere.
And in no time, we'll be in the big time.
Sure beats Syracuse, Jazz.
When do we start? What's with all that banging? What's up, Jazz? Where they all going? I don't know, Bo.
I left the crystal ball back in Syracuse.
But I'm gonna find out.
All right, you clods.
When you hear the sound of the cymbals, set a few speed records getting here.
-What's cooking, T.
C.
? -Yeah, how come you banged? Just a little stockholder's meeting, fellas.
I wish they'd fix that hole in the bowling alley door.
All right, Benny.
I want a report on the take from the bingo games.
This is the promised land, all right.
And that T.
C.
guy don't know it but he's about to be unseated as the local top cat.
All right, fellas.
Back to work.
The company can't afford any idle hands.
You can't expect me to do everything now, can you? Let's move.
When I say move, I wanna see nothing but blurs, get it? Must be one of those occupational hazards you hear about.
Okay, on your feet, men.
This ain't no time to rest.
-We're going.
-We're gone, man.
And let's have those reports back fast like.
The phone again.
How can I concentrate with all this intolerance? Hello? Who? Officer Dibble? I'm sorry.
You have dialed the wrong number.
Please check the proper number in the yellow book.
This is a recording.
Hold it right there, T.
C.
Caught you red-handed using the police phone and interfering with official business, didn't I? You'll get 30 days for this.
Just a minute, Officer Dibble.
Let me hear that voice again.
Surely you must have sung at the Met at one time.
-Well, l-- -Come, come.
Don't be modest.
Let me hear that golden voice once more, that deplorable baritone.
All right.
Wonderful.
Yuck.
What range.
What power.
Now let's hear it from back further.
Okay.
I'll go down to the end of the alley.
That's it, Dibble.
Go way back, so I can fully appreciate those pear-shaped tonsils.
-How's this? -Fine.
So long, Dibble.
So long, Top Cat.
Thanks.
Now wait a minute.
I'd be doggone if he didn't do it again.
I had him, and he slipped right out of my hands.
-Begging your pardon, Officer.
-What is it? Kind sir, perhaps you'll assist us.
We're newly arrived in your fair city.
And before we find a job, as is our usual habit we would like to perform our daily good deed.
Like, is there an old lady we can help cross the street walk your police dog, perhaps clean up this dirty alley? Say, now that's real swell of you guys.
I've been trying to get this alley cleaned out for years.
We're just in time, Bo.
Let's show our gratitude.
You don't have to do that, fellas.
Just clean out this alley, and you'll be doing your good deed.
Right you are, sir.
Come on, Bo.
We got work to do.
How delightful.
How lucky we are.
It's too bad Top Cat ain't like that.
You know, maybe I should palm Dibble off to the Met.
That way, at least he'll be out of my alley.
But I cannot be angry today.
It's almost zero hour.
Time for my date with the top doll in town.
What happened to the alley? What is this? Clean ashcans, papers piled up neat.
Everything in order.
The joint's a mess.
Why, it looks like a hospital.
One of the boys must have flipped.
I'll give them the signal.
-Hey T.
C.
, what's up? -Benny, where is everybody? Where's Choo Choo, the Spook, Fancy, all of them? They're all over on the East Side.
Some guy named Jazz is giving us bongo lessons.
Bongo lessons? I can endure a little insubordination for the sake of culture.
I'll just handle this later.
Besides, I can't be angry today, Benny boy.
Yeah, today's the day you see your girl.
Good for you, Benny.
Now, quickly with the flowers and the candy.
Move, boy.
Right, T.
C.
In the spring a young man's fancy-- What took you so long? Sorry, T.
C.
Officer Dibble gave me some static for picking flowers in the park.
It's okay.
Just let me have them.
Let me see.
Flowers, candy, me.
What else could she want? Well, if she ever saw me, she'd throw rocks at you.
Just be a good boy, Benny, and let me be the clever one.
The Top Cat does the jokes, remember? Well, so long and arrivederci! Here we are, 77 Dreamsville Strip.
I'd better turn the charm down to low lest it overpower the poor sweet child.
The door of love swings open.
Greetings, my dear.
I bring flowers for you.
But they shrank from shame beside such beauty as yours.
Very strange behavior for a girl so much in love.
Must be a joke, of course.
Delightful sense of humor.
I like that in a girl.
Funny.
Enough of this idle humor.
It's time for the park and the birds, Trella.
I'm sorry, T.
C.
But I have a date.
Jazz is inside.
But thanks for the candy and the flowers, anyway.
Just a minute.
What's with all this "Jazz" jazz? That's A.
T.
Jazz to you, man.
-What's the A.
T.
stand for? -All that.
It figures.
Look, pal.
It's you who don't get it.
Me and the chick have a regular thing going.
Get me? Sorry, chum.
That's all over.
I'm in.
You're out.
Here's your posies and your candy.
The box, that is.
This boy is really asking for it.
Jazz, you in there? You guessed it, Chester.
Now, run along and play on the freeway, will you? Relax, baby.
The first team is back.
That rug bit was real cute.
But it ain't nothing to what an old inner tube and a hook can do.
Where did we leave off yesterday? Yes, I remember.
I said I wasn't the type to kiss and run.
You didn't make out so good, T.
C.
? I gotta think, Benny.
I gotta collect my thoughts.
Let's drop into the club for a while.
A little pool will keep me cool.
Now you guys stick with Jazz, and you'll really swing.
I'm going to introduce some real class into this town.
Bingo games, pinochle, hayrides, parties, everything.
-Gee, that sounds great, Jazz.
-That's only the beginning.
Ten ball in the corner pocket.
Three-cushion ricochet the hard way.
There will be a slight fee, and I'll need volunteers.
Hold the phone.
Cease.
Desist.
Halt.
Slow down, slippery.
You got a long way to slide.
Well, well, well.
I guess this joint don't care who it lets in here.
I hate to intrude on your empire building, buster but I'm top cat around here.
That's all like passe, friend.
A new breed is taking over.
If you don't mind, my pals and I are having a little game of pool.
You get the point? Why, that chiseling phony Jazz, stealing my gang.
How do you like that? I relax for a minute and the place is full of sharpies.
Look, T.
C.
There's Choo Choo.
Hiya, T.
C.
Hiya, Benny.
What's new? Choo Choo, what are you doing to me? That sign is advertising Jazz's bingo party.
What's wrong with my bingo parties? Nothing, T.
C.
Jazz gives two bits an hour for this.
I've got to support a sick mother.
Go on.
The only sick mother you support runs on a wet track at Pimlico.
See you around, T.
C.
Look at that.
He's even beating my pinochle prices.
Yeah, T.
C.
You charge $1.
50.
I got to think of something to send that Jazz far away.
Let me think.
Of course.
Why not? All we got to do is dream up a better setup for Jazz preferably far away, like for instance Alaska or the Fiji islands.
How you gonna do that, T.
C.
? All we got to do is get the word to Jazz that I'm leaving town for good.
When Jazz hears about it, he'll figure I'm moving in on something better.
And, naturally, he's going to try to beat me to it.
-But I won't be there.
-You're a genius, T.
C.
I'll rush right over and tell Jazz.
Hold it! Let us not be so crude.
Why, he's too shrewd to fall for it right off the bat.
We must be sly.
We must let the word slip out, subtle like.
Now what we need an informer.
And who is the one guy that can never keep a secret? -Brain, who else? -Right.
Get him over here.
On the double, chief.
-You wanted me, T.
C.
? -Yeah, Brain.
Benny, don't you have an appointment somewhere? Who, me? No.
I get it.
I'd better get out of here.
So long, fellows! What's up? Brain, you're the only guy I can trust.
My one true loyal friend.
I want you to get all my gear packed, everything, but quietly, no noise.
Gee, T.
C.
, you mean you're leaving? Quiet, Brain! You never know who might be listening.
This is top-secret stuff.
I don't want anyone to know about the Zulu diamonds in Diambodi.
So mum's the word, Brain.
Just you and me know.
Can you keep this a secret? You know me, T.
C.
, I wouldn't breathe a word.
I'll go pack your bags now.
There goes a good, useful kid.
He won't breathe a word, unless Jazz asks him.
And now for step two.
I tell you, Bo, we got a good thing here.
Just give me a little time and I'll have Top Cat's bunch working for me for peanuts.
Come, this is as quiet a spot as any in town.
That corner over there will do just fine.
You got all the books, Benny? Good.
Let's get right to work.
We haven't got much time.
I'm right behind you, T.
C.
Gee, what do you suppose T.
C.
is doing with all those books? Why, it's just a feeble attempt to bridge the Brain's gap.
Relax.
Now for the Swahili lessons.
Check me out.
How's that, Benny? I can still detect a strong American accent.
-How about your Zambezi? -Zambezi? -Great.
You know them all now.
-Good.
Now I can pick up the passport while you check our boat reservations.
T.
C.
, what's with all the language and books routine? You plan on finishing grade school? You see, we thought we might just buzz over to the UN and catch a few speeches.
Broaden our knowledge of world affairs.
See you around, Jazz.
Ta-ta.
Pretty clever, that T.
C.
I know there's something cooking and I know just where to find out what.
Thanks a lot for the pizza, Jazz.
-It's very kind of you.
-That's all right, pal.
I always take care of my friends.
We are friends, you know? Sure.
Anchovies and peppers, too.
Nothing is too good for a buddy of mine.
Now, incidentally, buddy how come T.
C.
is so big on the foreign lingo kick? I don't know.
T.
C.
never tells me anything.
What are you doing with my pizza? Some pal you are.
You don't even know any secret information.
This is sure nice of you, Jazz.
I've been waiting to see The Creature That Ate the Monster for weeks.
I'm only too glad to take you.
Let me have two cushiony loges for me and my buddy.
Speaking of buddies how come my buddy T.
C.
is taking all those language courses? Like how should I know, Jazz? He never tells me nothing.
Forget those tickets, lady.
I've been double-crossed.
Fair-weather friend.
I guess I'll never find out why the creature ate the monster.
Thanks for helping me with T.
C.
's luggage, Jazz.
Anything for you, little pal.
Tell me, Brain, where is T.
C.
heading for with all this? It's a secret.
I ain't supposed to tell anyone about the Zulu diamonds in Diambodi.
So don't ask me.
It sounds great.
I wonder why he keeps it a secret? It's such a soft touch.
There are hundreds of diamonds lying on the ground -ready to be picked up by anyone.
-Diamonds? -I thought you were helping me, Jazz.
-Later, Brain.
Right now I got to catch me a fast plane.
-He went for it.
-What are you guys doing in the trunk? The trip is off, Brain.
Jazz is going to make it instead.
Would you be kind enough to issue one ticket, one-way to Diambodi? Diambodi? There isn't any Diambodi.
Look, pal, I got no time to play silly games.
Look it up.
Nope.
Sorry, no Diambodi.
Maybe it's a gag.
T.
C.
, of course.
That little sneak.
Hold on, pal.
You may still get a passenger to Diambodi.
Now that your leader has so brilliantly removed old Jazz I suggest we turn on the ball game to see who won the pool.
What a ball game.
It's the last of the ninth.
The Giants at bat, trailing four to nothing.
Bases loaded.
Two out, count is two and three and here comes the pitch.
We interrupt this program.
Diamonds, I said, diamonds have just been discovered in the hitherto unknown village of Diambodi.
In order to avoid a land rush, we urge all citizens to stay away.
This announcement came to you as a public service.
How do you like that.
I thought Diambodi was a phony place.
Now Jazz is on his way there to get all those diamonds.
Boy, what luck.
It worked.
It worked like a charm.
Listen to him.
All right, guys.
We gotta move fast.
Benny, Choo Choo, get me some mosquito nets.
Spook, Fancy, check the airport.
Brain-- -I know.
Pack you bags.
-Glad you were paying attention.
Blur, boys, blur.
In a fast jet, I might beat old Jazz to Diambodi yet.
Quick.
Give me one ticket, one way to Diambodi.
What's got into everybody? There is no such place.
Of course, sir, I understand.
We mustn't let it get too crowded over there.
That's okay.
I'm one of the guys that got the tip.
This has got to be a joke.
I get it.
You airline people want to keep all the diamonds to yourselves.
Well, I'll just see the president of this chicken outfit.
Oh, dear.
I do wish someone would let me in on the gag.
I never get any laughs around here.
"J.
C.
Crowflies, President.
" Yeah, that's the guy I want to talk to.
It took me all morning to build this thing.
It ought to really fly.
Boy, look at that plane bank.
-Yes? -A Mr.
T.
C.
to see you, sir.
T.
C.
? Sounds important.
Send him in.
I'd better get rid of this paper airplane.
He might think I'm some kind of a nut.
I won't beat about the bush, sir.
I'm here to talk about the Diambodi situation.
The what? Now, no need to be coy, J.
C.
I know all about it.
Your secret is safe with me, boy.
For a consideration, of course.
And I was worried he might think I was a nut.
Send in a policeman.
Shrewd.
Very shrewd indeed, J.
C.
Top Cat.
I should have known you'd be mixed up in any trouble on my beat.
Officer Dribble, I mean, Dibble.
Just the hardy, protective type I like.
Officer, throw that nut out.
It's a pleasure, Mr.
Crowflies.
Wait! What about our diamonds in Diambodi, J.
C.
? There are no diamonds in Diambodi.
In fact, there isn't even a Diambodi.
No diamonds? No Diambodi? I don't get it.
If I catch you pulling any more of your schemes on my beat I'll lock you up for a month of Sundays.
Why can't you follow the example of that nice guy Jazz? Jazz? Of course.
Now I get it.
You don't have to be a college professor to figure out he was behind this.
I am afraid, Bruno, that I must insist on stark realism for this new picture, The Thing from the Alley.
Somewhere in these alleys is our star.
We must not give up.
You're absolutely and positively right, sir.
Always remember my famous saying.
"For realistic realism, always use the real thing.
" Besides, it's cheaper than hiring professional actors.
-You're absolutely, positively right, sir.
-Bruno, look.
Over there.
It's him.
The new star for my film.
The perfect thing from the alley.
You have the contract? -Absolutely and positively right here, sir.
-Good.
Let's sign him up.
Pardon me, sir.
But I have some wonderful, exciting news for you.
Now don't faint.
But you are going to star in my next movie.
Naturally.
We'll do the whole bit, right? Hollywood, sport cars, premieres, autographs, the whole schmeer, right? That's a great routine you got, Mac.
But you better go tell T.
C.
that I'm onto this routine.
In fact, I'm surprised he pulled such amateurish tactics.
If you two phony baloneys don't mind, I'd like to be alone, you know.
And if you cats don't dig that jive on me, like scram, beat it.
Vamoose.
-What is he talking about, Bruno? -Looks like he turned you down, sir.
Nonsense.
No one turns me down! He just wasn't right for the part.
You're absolutely and positively right, sir.
-He wasn't right for the part.
-That's what I like about you.
You have your own opinions.
I can't stand the yes man.
Yes, sir.
I mean, thank you, sir.
Over there.
There is the one for my picture.
The magnificent thing from the alley.
All right, you! You will be my new discovery.
You will be a famous star.
Hurry and get packed.
-We leave for Hollywood immediately.
-Great performance, pal.
Beautiful.
But I know Jazz hired you guys.
Save the hysterics for some more gullible guys 'cause you ain't fooling me, Charlie.
What do you think? -He's not right for the part, either? -That's how I feel, too.
We must continue with the search.
Somewhere, someplace, we will find the thing from the alley.
So long, fellows.
Nice try.
Those guys ought to be in movies.
What a performance.
Boy, Jazz is really scraping the bottom of the gimmick barrel.
It's the oldest routine in the world.
Why the chuckles, laughing boy? Let me in on the gag.
As I am amused by that cornball movie routine it cracks me, Jazz.
What a laugh! Don't give me that.
I knew all along you hired those guys.
What are you talking about? I didn't hire them.
-You're a riot, T.
C.
, a regular riot.
-I say you hired them.
-You did.
-I did not.
You did.
-No, I didn't.
You did.
-I did not.
It was you.
-Hiya, fellows! -Benny.
I just came to say goodbye.
I'm leaving for a few weeks.
Where are you going? What are you doing in that kookie outfit? I'm going to Hollywood.
Some guy picked me out.
He said I was the perfect thing from the alley.
He's gonna put me in a movie.
-Those guys were for real.
-And we wouldn't believe them.
Let's go, Mr.
Benny.
We must catch a plane to Hollywood.
So long, you guys.
See you at the premiere.
Just one moment, sir, I'm afraid I must go along to look after my client's interests.
-Your client? -But of course, sir.
As Mr.
Benny's personal manager, I must insist he be accompanied -with his normal retinue.
-Retinue? What retinue? I'll show you, chum.
One valet, coming up.
A chauffeur, a tailor, and a vocal coach.
All present? Good.
Gentlemen, we are going to Hollywood.
Into the cab, quick.
We got a plane to catch.
So long, Jazz.
If you don't get a letter, you'll know we didn't write.
To the airport, driver.
And move it.
Why should I complain? I mean, with them gone, the alley is all mine.
Hello, operator.
Would you get that Sergeant What's-His-Name off the line? I'm trying to call Syracuse.
So, you're just as bad as Top Cat? Please, sir, will you hold it down? This is an important call.
Yeah? Don't you know that using a police phone is a felony punishable by a 505? A 505? What does that mean? It means you keep this alley clean as a whistle for 30 days or I'll run you in for littering.
Now get busy.
Jazz, you didn't tell me about this.
What are you complaining about? I told you we'd clean up in this town, didn't I? And now we got 30 days to do it.
-Faster, you guys.
-Yes, sir.
Oh, boy.
Yes, sir.