Top Gear (2002) s02e10 Episode Script

Clarkson Doesn't Kill a Dog

Tonight, a £65,000 car for the people.
A Range Rover at 45 degrees.
And the new Bentley Coupe comes to our studio.
Hello, welcome to the last show in the series.
AUDIENCE: Aaah! We're going out with a grrr, we've got the new TVR.
We first came across this car last year.
Back then it was a work-in-progress kind of thing.
The Stig found it a handful.
So here we are in 2003.
Summertime, obviously.
and the 350C is finally ready.
What we get is a £38,500 car, with 350bhp.
So it's not the full-on TVR hurricane, more a strong storm.
But don't think you can relax.
Even a small TVR can take your head off.
It's a scary full-on kind of thing.
It's what they're best at - great if you like your cars full fat.
But these days the TVR has to work hard to keep up with the modern competition.
A bit like these.
Like the TVR, the Harrier is a great British institution.
It's 42 years old and been updated to keep up with modern demands.
The new Harrier GR9 is cleverer, faster, more comfortable and easier to fly.
This jet has raised its game but in a world of Porsche Boxters, can the TVR do the same? Well, it's still a TVR.
It's raucous, raw, insane to look at, and it smells like a fibreglass canoe factory in here.
It's also loud.
Properly, properly loud.
And along with the usual TVR noise, you get the usual TVR interior - crazy hand-stitched leather, with beautifully crafted switch gear.
So far then, it's same old, same old.
However, there is a fundamental difference here.
The ride, it's just right.
On A and B roads, fine.
It feels more grown up.
More like a proper car from a sensible grown-up manufacturer.
So finally, there's a TVR that you really can use.
It's almost an everyday car.
I really like it, it works.
It must have limits though.
It's not wise to find them on the road.
So let's be off to the track.
Oh, this feels good.
This feels good.
It feels tight and taut and together.
It's these brakes though.
I mean, I love accelerating But for the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to breaking almost as much.
Normally driving a TVR with any kind of sense of purpose is like chatting to a bloke in the pub.
He says, "We went on holiday, took the caravan.
" Then boof! And then he punches you in the face.
No warning.
This though, this has under steer.
It's telling me, "You're getting on my nerves a bit.
" It hasn't lost the lairiness but it's just been to anger management.
And that makes it the most user-friendly TVR I've ever been in.
But it does still have TVR blood in its veins.
It's a big one.
So if you push it and push it, you can still make a hash of it.
Ooh, BLEEP.
Oh, that's a bad one.
Did that on purpose.
But you've really got to want to provoke it.
I mean, like walking through the lion enclosure covered in sausages and spilling their pints.
I'm driving the TVR on a wet track and I don't feel like I've got the Grim Reaper sitting next to me, clearing his throat.
So like the Harrier, the TVR 350C keeps its character.
But in a world of young guns, it can still cut it.
Wonderful.
Great car, best TVR I've ever driven.
You could live with it.
You could.
However Oh dear.
If I were going to buy a British sports car, I'd be tempted by this, the Noble.
It came here last year and did 1.
33 in the wet.
I think the TVR would thrash that.
That was with the 2.
5-litre engine.
It now has a three-litre engine.
It has a three-litre Mondeo engine, Ford Mondeo engine.
Turbo-charged This has a proper straight six configuration.
It's a race car.
That's a childish thing.
Top Trumps.
Top Trumps, OK? Give me your 0-60 time.
thrashes you.
It's pathetic.
Top speed.
175 miles an hour.
Go on, big fella, what have you got? Tell you what, price.
Mine is £38,500.
JEREMY MUMBLES That sounded like forty-something to me.
That's nearly nine That's made in Blackpool.
Yours is nailed together in South Africa and shipped into Leicester.
We'll settle this.
The track, wheel out the Stig.
This is a duel.
A magnificent start! He's gone! Look at that.
He's up to 30.
It's a proud thing, look at the control there.
That's a record for the slowest on that corner.
It's under control! He nearly lost it on the braking there.
What a proper car! Look at that! Do you know, is this lap ever going to end? Listen to that straight six! look at the control.
Little bit adrift.
Oh, that was moving, Jeremy.
Has it finished? Let's see your ridiculous Mondeo engine.
Here's a real performance.
It's gone already! That is fabulous, look.
On the brakes.
No understeer in this, no understeer at all.
It's dangerous! Look at that, oversteer.
No, we didn't lose it in braking there.
He's going to crash it! It's plainly ridiculous.
He will crash.
No, he isn't.
Beautiful driving from the Stig.
Noble Noble! And across the line, there we are.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
OK, one minute One minute.
in a one twenty-something.
One minute, 27! I thank you.
Which puts it up there.
That is very fast.
Let me give you a hand.
That's fantastic.
Sadly though, one minute 25.
No! No! Yes.
APPLAUSE Yeah, but Look at it! Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser, loser, loser, loser, loser! Look, it's a childish car.
Look what it brought out in you.
Now you're just being childish, I'm not going to get cross.
You lost.
I don't care! De-de-de-de-de-de! I don't care! If you've got a lot of money to spend on a big four-door saloon, there's already lots of choice.
You've got the Audi A8, the Mercedes S-Class, and the Jaguar XJ.
Now, there's a new alternative.
Here it is in all its brownness.
It's called the Phaeton, and it costs £65,000.
Which is odd, cos it's a Volkswagen, and Volkswagen means "people's car".
Right.
TRADITIONAL AUSTRIAN WALTZ PLAYS When they found evidence of life on Mars, it was big.
This is bigger.
This proves there's humour in the fatherland.
This is the first ever recorded example of a German joke.
A Volkswagen that costs £65,000! CANNED LAUGHTER But actually, it isn't funny.
MUSIC: "Air on the G String" by Bach The Phaeton was the swan song for VW's boss, Ferdinand Piech.
He wanted to retire with a bang.
He wanted to make the best car ever.
He laid down ten parameters, which were so impossible, that half his engineers walked out.
They said it couldn't be done.
I've tried to get VW to tell me what these parameters are, but they've only given me one.
Piech insisted you should be able to drive the Phaeton all day, at 186 miles an hour, when it's 122 degrees outside, and the air conditioning must be able to maintain an inside temperature of 71.
6 degrees.
My, I bet he was fun to go out with! I know this looks like a boring car from a boring man, on a boring wet day, but stay with me.
The attention to detail in the Phaeton is staggering.
Let's stick with the air conditioning and heating.
Most cars blow air through vents.
Look what happens.
Push this button, and a panel slides down and acts as a radiator.
First car I've even been in that's got central heating.
There's a dehumidifier too, so the windows can't steam up.
No matter what you get up to.
I can test that, by stepping into the back with Danielle.
Don't worry, it's all in the name of science.
There we are.
SULTRY MUSIC That is extraordinary.
We've made ourselves a lovely cup of tea.
The kettle's bubbling away.
But, we can still see out of the windows.
Lovely view.
Hey, in't it nice? There's more too.
Look at these hinges.
No-one's ever going to see them, and yet they're so beautifully machined.
Round at the front, things get even more German.
Normally, when you use the headlamp washers, huge jets of water squirt onto the glass and you can't see where you're going.
Look what happens.
This one fires first of all.
And when it's done, this one fires.
So there's always illumination.
Then there's the bonnet.
Piech insisted it had to stay level, with no vibration, right up to 190 miles an hour.
Which sounds like overkill really, cos the Phaeton is limited to 155.
I have driven one of these things without a limiter.
It went up to a smooth and totally stable 201 miles an hour.
Even at that speed, I couldn't hear the engine.
Its two three-litre V6s glued together, so the cylinders are in that sort of shape.
It's a six-litre W12.
It's an amazing engine.
It's an amazing car.
It pains me to admit it, but if I were gonna buy a four-door saloon, I would have that Phaeton.
Even with the VW badge? It's an amazing car, amazing.
Interestingly, they're gonna do a two-door version - kind of.
It's all the technical stuff in a different body.
But with a much better badge.
It's this! The Bentley Continental GT.
The most anticipated car for decades.
Designed by a Belgian, who's only previous car was the Skoda Fabia.
It's a career jump.
Like an architect designing a garage then doing the Natural History Museum.
But his mum can be proud.
She can be chuffed.
Look at this interior! It's like the Aston Martin Vantage with Phaeton stuff everywhere.
But, there's a sense of absolute luxury and absolute power.
Bentley said we can't drive it as it's not ready.
It'll be ready by the end of the year, for its launch at £120,000.
Tell them how fast it goes.
This is a big car, remember.
A big Bentley the size of this building.
0-60? 4.
8! Any ideas? I'll tell you.
Want to guess? 200! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Well, you get clever, that's what you get.
He's wrong.
It's 198 miles an hour.
I won't do that again.
Truth be told, we're not Bentley owners, I'm certainly not.
We could use the opinion of one.
You have a Bentley.
Sort of.
It's old, but it's a Bentley.
What do you think of this? The engine's good, and it's got two turbo chargers.
The Phaeton doesn't.
It's got 550 brake horsepower.
They put it on a machine and it ripped the machine apart.
It just roared off.
So, the engine's good.
Just a bit! We like the shape? Yup.
Interior? Yup.
Ashtray action.
I haven't looked in the boot.
It's not stacking up to be a disaster.
It's looking good.
I'm gonna be testing it in the next series.
I'm gonna be testing it.
The opinion of a younger guy Heavy cars need heavy drivers.
Ladies and gentleman, Alan Davies! How are you? Have a seat.
What's ermwhat's happened to your locks? They're not as long? I thought they were longer.
They used to be long, but now you can glue hair in if you need it.
Is it glued on in Jonathan Creek? Yep.
It's hair extensions? For the last two series, it's glued-in hair from Europe.
You are a bit of a petrolhead beneath the hair extensions? I like a car.
What have you got? I've got an Alfa 147.
There, you see.
Look at this.
She Do that face again, that you just did? That knowing I think there's a reason for that.
I've got a theory on Alfas.
It's not possible to be a petrolhead, unless you've owned an Alfa Romeo.
You think? Yeah.
I'll take that as a compliment.
You had Cavaliers for a while.
I had a Mini and then I got a white Vauxhall Cavalier in about 1984-85.
Me dad got it for me.
Harry Enfield had a Cavalier at one time.
Yes.
Convertible.
Did he? He was the only person with one.
Is there a Cavalier thing running through the stand-up? Mark Lamarr had one too.
We'd stand outside clubs going, "Good, aren't they?" Then Enfield walks out with his convertible.
Did you go round together? When you do gigs out of town, you take three or four people, and say, "Who's driving? " I was in the Cavalier driving one night from Birmingham, down the M6.
In the middle of the road were two vast limos.
I'm in the outside lane, with Harry Hill next to me and two other guys.
The first limo, it's a bloke in a cap, the other one is Barry Manilow.
Unmistakably Barry Manilow.
Remember, we're in profile.
And Harry Hill immediately starts, You write the songs that make the whole world sing! He looks across and there's four blokes in a Cavalier going, You write the songs you write the songs! He sped off at 90.
Once, coming from Birmingham, Lee Evans was driving, it was something similar to a Cavalier.
Four of us said, "Lee, we need chips, we're really hungry.
" He said, "All right!" We head off into Birmingham town centre and we get pulled over.
And the police get him out and make him sit in their car.
We're sat there thinking, "This is bad.
" The copper stuck his head in and said, "So you's lot are all comedians, are you?" We didn't speak, we were just like Coogan was a complete petrol nut.
Coogan loves cars.
I only went in his car once.
He had a left-hand drive MX5 with some nitroglycerin attachment.
Turbo charger, probably.
We were at Beverly Racecourse and having failed to get off with anyone, he gave me a lift.
I was the closest thing to a girl.
The others were in the minibus that we went up in.
We've shot off in this brrggghh! He did what we would've done, flipped the roof off at 80 mph.
Clip.
Clip.
Ferboom! Like that.
One hand on the wheel.
We're coming to a roundabout, and the speedo's on 100.
Then I realise it's kilometres.
It's still 62.
We're near a country hotel with a gate, a dark bit, then the hotel.
You'd think the road goes straight, Steve went into it.
Straight off the road, into a field, Bouncing There's a fence, like that.
The minibus is going, achump, chiggum, chiggum.
It's hare and tortoise stuff, he has to spin it back, it's hissing and spitting, get into the car park, and leap out of a car caked in mud.
Do you buy cars for material? No.
I've never talked about cars.
Stuff that happened when I was younger was made for comedy.
When I was 21, I was stopped on the M25.
They took me to court for speeding.
They said, "He was doing between 106 and 108mph.
" I said, "That's 107, then.
" LAUGHTER It was fair.
They banned me on the spot.
It was in Brentwood court.
I said, "How do I get home? I drove.
" They said, "Your problem.
" "Really, how do I get home? Forget I'm a criminal.
"Imagine I'm a passer-by.
"How do I get back to Loughton from here?" "Your problem.
" So I got annoyed.
I got in the car and drove.
"Nee-na, nee-na!" They were laughing.
They arrested me, took me back to the court, in front of the same magistrate.
I was in the public gallery.
A guy said, "There's four a day like that.
" "Next time, park in the hospital over the road - they won't see you.
" LAUGHTER We'll see you now in a Suzuki Liana.
OK.
Was it raining out there? It started to rain more and more.
It was wet? It was all right at first, but then it rained a lot.
"Brake, brake, brake!" the Stig kept saying.
I was thinking, "Brake, brake, windscreen wipers!" Who would you like to beat on the board? Where do you want to be? Michael Gambon did a wet lap.
Ross Kemp, 1.
54 - wet.
Coogan, 1.
53 in the wet.
That's respectable.
Near Coogan.
Do you want to beat him? I've been in his MX5.
It's doubtful.
Shall we find out? Let's have a look.
'What did you think of the car? OK.
' I've burnt so far.
TYRES SQUEAL Really, really, really BLEEP it.
That's where Jodie Kidd was quick.
She was on that line all the way round.
It's hard to stay on the line.
I know! My word.
Coming up to Michael Gambon corner, where he nearly rolled it.
Are you OK? Yes! Across the line.
APPLAUSE How did I do? One minute Shall we call that wet or dry? We need a new category - D for damp.
Yeah.
Mildly damp.
It was damp.
You did it One minute Oh, not too bad! So you're just behind You're a second off Coogan, but he did it in a monsoon and was 1.
53.
I believe that.
You didn't have a completely smooth practice, did you? No.
You broke our Liana.
I did.
You broke our Liana.
Look at this.
TYRES SCREECH 'Look at that!' 'Look at that front wheel! That wasn't from the spin.
' It wouldn't go round the corner.
'You broke it!' You can see the ambulance in the background! I came round the corner I thought that was my best lap.
Not with a puncture.
It slows you down a bit.
But a good time.
Great to see you.
Alan Davies! APPLAUSE News came into the office the other day that Cadillac was in trouble.
So immediately, Hammond and I went to lunch.
But May said, "I'll see what's wrong and how they're putting it right.
" Over to you, Billy Bob Jimmy May Junior III.
Here's the problem.
Cadillac's main customers are a lot of doddery old biffers in Florida.
People who like their suspensions soft, like their sprouts.
The situation's worse in Britain.
They tried the STS, but no-one bought one.
Except Stuart Hall.
Some drastic measures are necessary.
MUSIC: "Shine On You Crazy Diamond Part One" by Pink Floyd So how drastic is this? It's the Cadillac 16 - a car designed to show us that Cadillac can lead the way in luxury.
It's very big, which is good, and it's rather clever - let's look at the engine.
That is a 13.
5-litre V16 - Cruising uses four cylinders.
If you overtake, you use eight.
Only when you flatten it, do you get 16.
That means that this 2.
5 tonne, That's very impressive.
My old Bentley does 14 mpg, and that's a small car.
Inside is like a rich, self-made American's house.
The wood is too shiny, the leather like a supermodel's buttocks.
And the clock is too posh.
That's good.
We are on the Goodwood circuit.
It's where Stirling Moss nearly died, and Bruce McLaren did.
And this is a 1000 horsepower car.
I thought I'd smoke this cigar and talk about luxury.
RELAXING PIANO MUSIC Luxury is the new performance.
They've got it spot-on.
It's what a Cadillac should be.
It's big and plush and probably a bit vulgar.
The Queen has a Bentley.
Gerhard Schroeder won't have it - he has a Mercedes-Benz.
Elvis can't have it - he's dead.
The real money these days is with Elton John, David and Victoria, Puff Diddly or Duddly, whatever he's called Stuart Hall.
This car is absolutely of its time.
This is what I call shock and awe.
Hammer time! I've not liked a Cadillac since '57, and I wasn't born then.
But this is amazing.
It's fabulous.
It's stolen the show.
It's walked over the Bentley, which we thought would be king of the hill.
Can they make it? I didn't say it in the film, but this is a prototype.
They could make it.
It's not pie in the sky stuff.
It's a proper engine.
They could make it.
Can I see the engine? I want to see it in real life.
It would be powered on the real version.
Americans might lose weight if they had to do something themselves.
Whe-hey.
Where's the propeller?! It needs one on the front or back.
That's huge - 13.
5? It's 13.
6 litres.
1000bhp.
What will it take for them to put it into production? If the people I mentioned, like Elton, Posh, you and Stuart Hall If Stuart Hall If you ring up Cadillac and say, "Make that car! " Stuart, do it.
You'll be the talk of Cheshire.
Usually, when there's anything about disabled drivers on telly, it's about someone putting a chair in their Maestro or it's about parking close to things.
Not on this show.
A few weeks ago, a guy came into the studio, in his wheelchair, and he said he and his mates liked hammering around a racetrack.
That gave us an idea.
We set out to find Britain's fastest disabled driver.
We found the drivers and a converted Porsche 911, and we had a track which was wet.
Three, two, one, go! When you're used to the hand controls are you as quick? People have misconceptions.
I think so.
I can brake harder and quicker.
You're on there already, you have an element of control already.
You're there without moving your foot.
BEEP! Well held! "You did that on purpose," - that's what he's going to say.
I go round and I forget I've got no lower back muscle - "Bloody hell! " He needn't worry about breaking his back! He's giving it some! Yes.
You could almost take a boat out there now.
ALL: Waaay! APPLAUSE Now The results - they are as follows.
In sixth place Peter, with 2.
20.
And he crashed on the way home! He binned it on the way out.
Tim, you were fourth with 1.
58.
08 - respectable time.
Despite your nearly monster crash! A proper crash.
Rob - 1.
55.
06.
That makes you third.
Colin's second with 1.
54.
08 - good solid time.
Then a leap to 1.
47 - Lee's first.
Well done.
Round of applause.
Look at that.
Cheers.
This is the Range Rover 580S, which has been breathed on by Overfinch.
It's priced at £45,000, plus £60,000 for the original car.
What they did with the old Range Rover was replace the standard engine with a 5.
7-litre V8 from a Corvette.
It were fun, if your name was BP Esso McShell.
With the new one, though, they've stuck with the standard BMW engine, buoying it out to five litres and fitting a very expensive crankshaft.
Think of this as a Range Rover M5.
You get 380 brake horsepower.
That's 100 more than standard! is what you got from a Ferrari 355.
And they've fiddled with the gearbox.
When you floor it, it changes down immediately and you're off.
To demonstrate what all this power means, I've organised a drag race.
A Mercedes SLK versus a two-and-a-half ton truck.
And we're not cheating.
This Mercedes has the big engine, the 3.
2-litre V6.
Think of it as a race between an athlete and someone who's fat.
And to make the fat man's job harder, he'll be racing off-road.
ENGINE REVS Sport mode.
I'm ahead.
It's getting awfully bumpy! I'm in the lead.
I've got double vision! Yes! And I win! This thing's quick! On the road, the Overfinch does 0-60 in 7.
1 seconds and has a top speed of 140.
The only problem is, the steering and suspension haven't been changed.
It's a bit like sliding down a black run in a wardrobe.
It's a giggle, but you've got no real say in the direction of travel.
Wa-hey! TYRES SCREECH Wooo-haa! So, it's not a nimble sports car, then.
More of a Mach four bulldozer.
But the best thing about this car is not the engine or the gearbox, or the TV screens in the headrest, or the hand-stitched leather, or the fancy wheels.
The best bit is in the boot.
Land Rover say to get seven seats, you have to buy a Discovery.
It's a business practice they got from Das Kapital.
But Overfinch are different.
Look! Two seats, with seatbelts, that fold away.
And some hay for the horses, look.
Isn't that terrific? The normal Range Rover is a very good car, but this is a people-carrying, Porsche-bashing, fuel-guzzling, muscle-bound mountain goat.
Know what this reminds me of? Remember that Carver we had on? Yeah.
That 45-degree lean thing.
You have to be insane to try and set a time round the track in this.
Oh, mad! That'll be a job for the Stig.
Thundering off the line like big V8 hippopotamus.
The Overfinch has four-wheel drive.
Also weaves as much as a church.
LOUNGE MUSIC Stig in a suave mood.
Look at the body roll through Chicago.
That is scary! He's lumbering up to the Hammerhead, Iooking a bit slow, it must be said.
This thing is immense in a straight line.
Not so fond of bends, however.
He's gone off-road! Cos he can! He's gone off-road! Into Gambon.
And across the line in one minute 44 seconds, despite the cheat.
The slowest ever.
It sounded good, though.
The Stig said that's the first time he's been scared behind the wheel! Really? Marvellous! Now, the bit we call the broken biscuit section.
It's all the stuff we said we'd do and we haven't.
And actually, since we're standing here, Iet's stick with the Range Rover.
When it was launched last year, Land Rover said, "We're building it properly.
" We said, "Lend us one for six months.
"We'll run it and see if anything goes wrong.
" You then went on to say if anything went wrong, you'd shoot the MD's dog.
We've had letters from people who say theirs has gone wrong.
A chap in the audience just now said, "I've bought one.
" I said, "Is it here?" He said, "No, it's broken.
" However, the deal was if THIS one goes wrong, the one they lent us.
We've used it as a Top Gear chase car It's disgusting! It is.
Worst test of all, kids' school run.
They treat it like animals.
And here we are, six months on.
And what's the news for the dog? Last week, it was good.
But just the other day, this is the electric steering wheel adjuster.
It won't go up and down.
Oh, dear! It's not the thing you kill a dog over.
We couldn't wound the dog for that.
He didn't want us to show this, but got a racing licence.
He said, "I'm taking part in a 24-hour motor race for 2CVs, in Norfolk.
" Right.
Here's the race.
There's the team he assembled.
There's Hammond, the fastest vicar, the fastest Rasta and a professional driver.
Beautifully prepared car, loaned by a family.
Beautifully crafted so he could take part.
Now, the thing is, as I said, Hammond isn't a racing driver.
Here he comes, look.
He's got the suit, he's got the helmet.
He's got a romper suit! It turns out the only aspect of racing he's good at is thinking up excuses.
Watch this! He broke the car.
It wasn't me.
He forgot to tell me.
Nice one! Every time I braked, the gearbox and lever was moving forward.
It didn't half wobble.
Blew the engine.
I'd have been, you know, a fast time.
Blitzed! Probably a 1.
45 was on the cards.
Now you've got the perfect excuse! He blamed just about everything there! I don't think he Here he is.
Yeah, well, it was tricky.
Did the tyres go off? They were going to.
You forgot them! Did you have a reliability problem? Where did you come? 13th.
13th? About 14 or so You were second to last! You're useless! You're not being allowed to do any more motor racing.
We never thought we'd have to do this.
We thought Jay Kay would sit on top of our celebrity board for ever.
But two weeks ago, this happened.
Jodie Kidd came here.
I'm sure you remember what the result was.
CHEERING She beat Jay Kay by 0.
3 of a second, making her the fastest person, the fastest star in a reasonably priced car.
Sadly, she can't be here tonight.
We're going to a pub where she is.
Thank you.
This is gonna go high up above my fire.
It's gonna be there, looking at me.
I'm very proud of it.
This plasticness is beautiful! I'd just like to thank my agent, my family Oh, for God's sake, shut up! That is it for the end of the show, and, indeed, the end of the series.
If you have any opinions about the show, do keep them to yourselves! Good night.