Top Gear (2002) s03e01 Episode Script

The Team Kills Off Old Stig

Mission aim.
Grand slam the red for no loss.
There's only one opposition today, so probably have time we have to kill.
We will have a wild card in there just to keep us amused.
We're gonna have to make sure we target Any questions? Top Gear Series 03, Episode 01 In tonight's programme, as you've just seen, the Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5 Series BMW; and I'll be giving myself a brain tumor.
Hello! Now, when we were putting this new type of Top Gear together, we made a decision.
We would not squander the licence fee payers' money on airfares jetting off to the other side of the world to drive cars.
We would wait for them to come to us.
This was a hard and fast rule, and it would never be broken.
I've come to Detroit, which in my defence, is not exactly St Tropez.
God may have created the world in six days, but while he was resting on the seventh, Beelzebub popped up and did this place.
Back in the '60s, Detroit was the home of Motown and Motor City.
But the riots of '67 left it a deserted and shattered shell.
So, I haven't come here for a holiday.
I've come here for something even better.
This is the new Ford GT.
It's the first proper supercar ever made in America.
It was built to celebrate Ford's 100th birthday.
But there's a lot more to it than that.
Back in '62, Ford tried to buy Ferrari, but at the last minute, Enzo pulled out of the deal.
Henry Ford was livid, and ordered his British division to build a car that would crush those pony-arsed heaps of junk.
This is the car that resulted.
Called the GT40, it beat the Ferraris at Le Mans, for 4 years on the trot.
It transformed the way we thought about Ford, and it left a lasting impression on a small 6-year-old boy from Doncaster: Me! Over the years, there have been a couple of attempts to try and rekindle the GT40 magic.
There was the GT70, which I bought.
Here it is, look.
Doors open and everything.
Fantastic! And then, in 1995, there was the GT90.
I actually drove this, and it was horrid.
Had a top speed of 40, and it handled like it was in a cartoon.
Ford realised that the only way forwards was to go backwards.
This is the result.
It looks almost identical to the old GT40, although because this one was built in America, it is bigger than the one built in Britain.
Longer, wider and taller.
But still just as good-looking.
This car shows that the desolate and smashed city of Detroit, one of the most dangerous places on earth, is not quite dead.
It's still coughing up blood and guts.
Don't think, however, that this is just some evolutionary throwback.
Ford wanted it to be much more than a pretty face.
They wanted it to handle like a Lotus Elise, sound like a Honda NSX, shock like a Lamborghini Diablo and go like a Ferrari 360.
Now, on that last front, the speed thing, I think they may have overdone it.
You see, it offers up 500 brake horsepower, and that's 100 more than you get from a 360.
And you get twice the torque over twice the rev range.
So, with its top speed of 200 miles an hour, this thing once again will blow Ferrari into the middle of next week.
Obviously, you don't get the sense that the engine was made by craftsmen using techniques passed from father to son over the generations because of course, it wasn't.
Actually, the 5.
4-litre supercharged V8 is lifted out of one of Ford's pick-up trucks.
This then is a blue-collar car with a blue-collar punch.
It's a working-class hero.
Let's go hunting for aristocrats, shout them to death.
Of course, Americans have never had a problem making stuff go fast in a straight line.
The space shuttle, the Corvette, the Boeing 747 and so on.
But they have never, and I've checked this out with all the experts, they've never made a car that can go round corners properly Until now.
The ride comfort's a bit shabby, but as far as handling and grip are concerned, it is epic! So, it goes fast, handles well, looks astonishing, and we haven't even got to the second best thing about it yet.
The clutch is so light, even someone from a Lowry painting could press it.
The steering's light, the gearbox is light, I've got air-conditioning, I've got a stereo, I've got electric windows, I've got central locking, and yet, none of the essence of the GT40 has been lost.
Look at these doors for instance.
They still cut into the roof.
And just like on the old car, you can see the engine through the back window.
Mind you, not as well as if you Open up the clam shell.
Oh, look at that.
Look at it! Makes me feel six years old all over again.
In fact, I think I've just wet myself.
Amazingly, then, Ford seems to have done it.
The GT does handle like a Lotus, It does shock like a Lambo and it goes harder and faster than a Ferrari.
And now, we get to the best thing about it.
It's priced like a Ford.
Even though it'll only be built in tiny numbers, it's going to be less than ã100,000.
That's ã8,000 less than the Ferrari, and ã17,000 less than the Lamborghini Gallardo.
I love this thing.
I love it even more than I thought I was going to.
Feel that power.
I love it mostly, though, because it takes you back to a time when Detroit was humming to the petrol-head rhythm of the Motown sound.
A time when The Temptations provided the descant and the factories were on bass, a time when the street echoed to the sound of dancing and the roar of last chance heroes in their V8 muscle cars, racing between the lights.
I have always wanted to do this.
Was that legal, sir? Well, I don't know, the thing was is when we said we were gonna film in the middle of Detroit, which is kind of even more dangerous than Birmingham, we got four police patrol cars to follow us everywhere, and I did that charging off 120 miles an hour right through the city centre, got back, expecting them to say, "have you been smoking?" And they were just sitting in their patrol cars, eating doughnuts! Couldn't give a damn! -Now, this is an original, which is really a British car.
-That is an all-American supercar.
That's not an all-American supercar.
You're absolutely right.
They say this is an all-American car; it isn't.
In fact, the steering comes from an Aston Martin Vanquish, the brakes are Italian, couple of guys from Lotus did the suspension.
The body's British.
It's not American at all.
Yeah, but these are technicalities.
We're talking about the nation that won the Battle of Britain.
Ben Affleck did that on his own.
And they rescued Europe from Sir Winston Hitler, if I remembered rightly.
They did.
And what made it particularly good, was when I was driving around Detroit in that thing, everyone you see, all four of them, they're, "Hey, nice Ferrari.
" Every single one of them.
Now, just tell me, can I go and buy this from a Ford dealer in Britain? -Not this.
This is an old one.
-This is the old one.
These are about ã350,000.
But you can walk into a dealer in Barnsley, tomorrow, slap down your ã90,000-100,000, whatever it's gonna cost, and you can buy one of those things.
-Would you? -Yeah.
-In Barnsley? -Yeah, it'll be even more fun.
Actually, if I do decide to get one, and I'm sort of I will buy it from Barnsley.
Whoever the dealer is in Barnsley, I'm on my way, probably.
Here's another new Ford.
It's called the Visos, and look at this shape.
Very cutting edge, and then the interior Wow! And those dials! They're all spangly, clever up-to-the-minute computer stuff.
And there's no mirrors.
Cameras instead.
Hiya! It's a very modern car, no doubt, but look a bit more closely.
And look.
There's these grills on the flank, and then, the shape of this window.
Now, you can't fool me.
If Ford ever actually make this car for real, this is the new Capri, no doubt about it.
Tell you what, though.
You know, in the olden days, when people actually had Capris, they always had the bonnet up on a Saturday, tinkering around with the engine.
Well, nowadays, -People always fiddle around with computers -Yeah.
So what this has got, which is amazing, well, if they ever get round to putting a bonnet in it, which they haven't, at the moment, it'll have a -Plug Port.
-Plug Port thing.
You put your laptop in it, and you'll be able to adjust, like, the rev limiter and the suspension settings, and everything.
But it goes further than that.
It's very clever, because once you got your laptop plugged in, you can then log on to the internet, and you can actually download specifications and settings direct from Ford.
And better than that, even, you can then exchange data with your mates and their Visos.
So, if you got one, I could set the rev limit at, like, 1500rpm, have the headlamps flash every time we went above 10.
Not quite what they meant there, really! Or even better, if you get stuck behind one on the road, what you could do is dial up its computer from your laptop, Bluetooth, mobile phone, speed him up a bit! About 150.
And then, just apply one of the rear brakes.
Yeah, and that is just stupid.
It's stupid.
Anyway, this is the BMW 5 Series.
Now, this car came out about seven years ago.
When it did, it was generally regarded as the finest car of its type.
It's just gone out of production, which is odd, really, because it's still generally regarded as the finest car of its type.
The new one, then, has got quite a lot to live up to.
So, it seems odd, then, that BMW should take such a gamble.
Have a look at this.
You see, on paper the new 5 Series is even better than the old one.
It's lighter, faster, roomier, and it has more gadgets.
But none of that matters for the moment.
The important question is this: Is it ugly? The BMW 5 Series was always a very conservative car.
But that also meant that it was discrete and inoffensive, and very businesslike.
Bit like a good receptionist.
And like a good receptionist, everybody wanted one.
Not any more.
This new look is controversial.
It's all odd angles and edges.
And if you don't like the outside, The bad news is, they've done it in here as well.
I know some of the 5 Series' faithful, and I also know that without question, They're going to be put off by this new one.
However, I like it.
I think it's modern and groovy.
It'll take a bit of getting used to, I know, but, you know, the good stuff always does.
Anyway, there's a lot more to life than just good looks.
I'm just as interested in personality.
Given the way BMW's always boasting about ultimate driving machines and what have you, you would expect that this 5 Series would be very very good to drive, and it is.
It's front-engined and rear-wheel drive, but more importantly than that, they've used a lot of aluminium in the body work to keep the weight distribution absolutely spot-on.
And this is very good for feel.
And then, we come to the engines.
This is a 530i.
It's powered by a 3-litre straight-six petrol engine.
And it's lovely.
For exactly the same money, which is a fiver under ã31,000, you can also have a 3-litre diesel.
I've tried that as well, and it is, frankly, astonishingly good.
So, as management types would say, "that's all the basic boxes ticked.
" But there's more.
This car is dripping with what those same people would call "intelligent solutions.
" There's a system called Dynamic Drive, which gives you a nice, comfy ride under normal conditions, but then firms up the suspension under hard cornering.
So, it's soft when you're just cruising along, but it becomes all taut when you're giving it the berries.
It may cost an extra ã1,500, but the thing is, it works, so I'll have it.
And I wish I could say that about another new gizmo called Active Steering.
It's supposed to make the steering more direct at low speeds to make it easier to turn corners, but less direct at high speeds so the car doesn't become twitchy on the motorway.
Or, at least, that's what it said in the brochure.
But to be honest, I just can't really tell the difference.
So, I'm saving my ã830 and spending it on American hard gums.
And I haven't finished yet.
Now, the old 5 Series famously had more computing power than the Apollo spacecraft that went to the moon.
But this one seems to be boldly going where no executive car has gone before.
Most of the dashboard buttons have been replaced by a TV screen and this sort of upturned pie dish down here.
It controls everything: the air conditioning, the stereo, the sat-nav, even how long the lights stay on after you've parked up at night.
This is my favourite, though.
It's a sort of radar parking device.
Normally, I look for really easy parking spaces, but in the BMW, I look for the tricky ones, just for the fun of it.
So, there we go.
It's great to drive, and it comes with its own amusement arcade.
The 5 Series is still a very good car, still a great piece of German engineering.
It's just that it's exchanged the easily digestible looks of Tom Cruise for the more challenging physiognomy of that Gerard Dupedieu bloke.
So, what about the rivals? There's the Jaguar S-Type.
A great drive, but look at its face.
And there's the Mercedes E-Class, a fabulous car for your retirement.
Choosing a 5 Series used to be considered a bit of a no-brainer.
It still is.
Were you in any way unwell when you recorded that? Well, actually, I did have a really bad dose of the pox.
That explains it, because anybody whose eyes were working properly would recognise that this is the ugliest It is! -It is a superb-looking car.
-It's the first car ever where children will be sick before they get in the back.
-We'll have a vote.
-All right.
Hands up, everyone who thinks it's ugly.
I didn't prompt them or anything.
Now, hands up those who think it's not ugly.
You see? All the ones who've left their glasses at home! All right, all right.
You are an executive.
This is gonna take a bit of imagination.
You're an executive, okay, and you're gonna buy a new car.
-You're not gonna buy the S-Type Jag, are you? -No.
It's a great drive, but you wouldn't let your kids sit around -with their mouths open like that.
E-Class Mercedes.
Now, you've got a Mercedes.
How much have you enjoyed it over the summer? No, I haven't.
It's been in the shop the entire time.
It goes in, it's broken.
It comes back more broken and goes in again.
-And that's pretty much Mercedes ownership.
-So, you're not having one of those? -No.
-You're not having an Audi A6 'cause it's too old.
-Er, no.
-You're not having a Kia Magentis 'cause it's stupid.
-I might.
-No, you wouldn't.
-No, you're right.
I wouldn't.
And you're not gonna have an Alfa 166 -because nobody would buy a new one.
You, Jeremy Clarkson, you are the European director of Photocopying (Toner Distribution), you will buy one of these.
I've suddenly decided I don't want to talk to you any more.
What I want to do is talk to my guest tonight.
He was a rock star, but unlike any other rock star, he didn't die in a pool of vomit in a hotel room full of pills and hookers.
Instead, he died in an enormous fireball in a car crash.
Despite this, he's with us tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, Martin Kemp! -How are you? -Very well.
Good, have a seat.
So, you were killed in a car crash.
-And you're still here! -Yep.
And I'm back.
We've got some film, this.
Could we just have a quick look to remind everybody of how it went? I could see where the BBC's budget went that week! That's a 6 Series.
-635 BM.
Couldn't you have smashed up something a little bit less good than that? Well, yeah, but that's the beauty, sometimes, of being an actor.
You smash up these really nice cars, you know.
Some kind of sadistic pleasure you get from it.
Can I offer you a new car to smash up in your next venture? The new 5 Series BMW.
You, like Ross Kemp, left in a car accident, -you've gone to ITV, like Ross Kemp.
-You're both called Kemp.
He's been on this show, now you're on it.
Does that mean you're now going to marry Piers Morgan? I'll tell you something.
When I first left EastEnders and I joined ITV, I had a few quid in my pocket, and I thought, "right, I'm gonna treat myself.
" So I went down to the local 911 garage, Porsche garage, and I'm standing there and looking in a window of a car, you know, and someone touched my back here.
And looking in the window here of the next car is Ross, buying his Porsche! So, I thought, "well, that's what you get if you leave EastEnders," you know.
So, you've got a 911 turbo? No, not a turbo.
I've got a Carrera.
-But he's got a turbo.
He's a big boy, though.
Now, come on.
You can't allow him to have a turbo! -And you What have you got, then? -I've got a Carrera.
-It's lovely.
-Carrera It's 911.
Now, you see, is it a Carrera 2, or is it I'll tell you which one it is.
It's the black one.
But, yeah, I've had a long line of 911s.
My first car when I was in a band was a 911.
I think, over the years, I've had about eight of them.
But the new ones I'm kind of disappointed in.
-These ones are kind of -A bit too soft? -Yes.
-Trouble is, you see, I quite like Before you know it, you're up in fifth gear, and it's too easy to drive.
I prefer to get into Top Gear myself.
-Having a bit of a dig at the opposition there.
-Very good.
The thing is, though, the band you were talking about there is Spandau Ballet? -Yep.
-Now, we've got a photograph of you here, which I'd like Now, look.
This kind of Ewok, Star Wars race fit teamed with the Obi-Wan Kenobi monks habit.
Is this, do you think, why the 911 got a bit of a reputation in the '80s? Well I thought the 911 was quite suitable for the '80s, to be honest.
Those big wheel arches at the back, kinda like shoulder pads.
-Metal, weren't they? -They were, actually.
Joan Collins' look.
Not bad.
Did you start off with 911 then? Yeah, I started off with a Lancia that I had for a few months.
Ooh, I like that.
Which one? It was the one with the hard top on the roof -I know.
The folded It was a Beta? -Folding back window.
Not the coupe, the Beta.
-The Beta.
-Where's that man with the beard? Not the Monte Carlo.
That was the one that was mid engine.
The Lancia Beta, with the back window.
It was a Beta, but specifically -Where's Beardy? -Spider? Was it a Spider? -What was it called? Spider! -Spider! We know the Beta Now, all right, that's enough! -It was the Beta Spider.
-Beta Spider.
I loved it, you know and I had that for a few months.
Did it Well, actually no, then it would have oxidised.
And then, I went out and bought a 911E, which was my first Porsche.
But didn't you have a 944? Well, I had one for about a day.
I was into 911s, and I think I had about four of them on the trot.
And then, I thought I needed a change, so I went out and bought a 944.
My mum and dad lived down in Dorset, so I drove it down there one day.
I was so disappointed with it on the way back that I stopped in the 911 garage and bought another one.
-It was 24 hours.
-So, it lasted one day? -Yeah! Yep.
-Good second-hand buy! Anyway, on the roads, what is it that gets you really going? All right, there's two things that get me.
-One is the bus lane on the M4, -Yeah.
and the other is the 4x4 trip to school.
The school run, 4x4.
So, do you do the school run? -I do, yeah.
-And what car have you got? 4x4.
Is it okay doing the school run for you? Well, it's something that I want to do because I think you have to show Well, I have to show my kids some kind of normality, and because But I would imagine that the women at the school gates don't react in a normal way.
If you saw him rocking up the school, would you react in a normal way? -Would you say, "good morning, Mr Kemp?" -I'd scream.
You'd scream.
Now, it is Oh, no.
Listen, you have to block it out.
You just have to get on with your life.
How can you block it out when all the other mothers are wearing negligees? "Ooh, I wonder if" "I wonder if he's doing the school run this morning.
" "I won't bother with a dressing gown!" I get down there, and they're all in fishing waders, up to here! "Alright?" You know, what happens in my house is that a lot of the time, I'm away working and filming something, away for a few months at a time.
And then, when I do come home, I make it a priority that I either take them or I bring them home.
That is so noble! That is so noble, isn't it? I do.
I like that very much.
I can't be bothered! Still, it would have stood you in good stead today, because, of course, you came down here to drive our reasonably priced car -Yep.
-round our track.
Now, these are the people who've been so far.
-We've got Jodie Kidd, sitting at the top, above Jay Kay.
And then, at the bottom, we've got Richard Whiteley.
Presumably, you'll be after Ross Kemp, here.
All right, listen.
I do not know.
I haven't got a clue.
I just shut my eyes and put my toe down.
Was it wet or was it dry out there? Well, it was soaking wet.
And because the water was sitting on the tarmac, it was reflecting up like a mirror.
You couldn't really see the markings.
You should be a racing driver! This is exactly the sort of thing we hear from that lot with their big head.
Well, so far, our fastest wet-runner has been Ross Kemp.
Right, okay.
So, I'm looking at 1:54.
You'd be looking really at 1:54, who would be the fastest This was mildly damp, Alan Davis, okay? Who'd like to have a look how Martin did? -Yes? -Yes.
Okay, let's have a look.
-Ooh, that is wet actually.
Miserable day.
See, I couldn't see the markings! You've used that excuse, now think of another one! You've got tyre squeal in the rain! That's not That's -Oh, I lost it.
-Yes, you were off.
Yeah, no, that's fair enough.
But that's just sliding a bit wide.
-What? This is very good! I mean, Steve Coogan was That's sliding bit from the back.
That's very good.
Yes, a bit wobbly at the end through Gambon corner and Just before we reveal the time, wasn't completely smooth out there when you practised, was it? Wasn't as smooth as that.
Who'd like to see what happened while he was practising? Yes.
Put it on! Ooh, it's the hardest corner of the lot.
-Threading the needle at 100 miles an hour and -It is hard.
Very good! That's the furthest anybody's been from the track! Nobody's skidded off onto that piece of tarmac.
-But anyway, your time.
One minute, and it's a wet lap, and we're all agreed on that, so we'll put the "W" on.
One minute, surprise, surprise, -the same as the other Kemp! -Oh, no! I do think it's quite funny you going around telling the world that Gary's your brother.
Plainly This is unbelievable! So, I need a showdown with Ross, then.
Well, these two want a showdown.
They really want to race each other.
-And I think a Kemp showdown would be the order of the day.
Absolutely! Ladies and gentlemen, Martin Kemp! Thank you.
Now, as I'm sure you know, we're not fans of diesel on this programme.
We think it is the fuel of Satan.
But, in the summer, I drove one of these.
It's the E-Class Mercedes Diesel Saloon.
And then I noticed something strange.
These are the figures, okay.
This is the petrol one, this is the diesel.
The Diesel is more powerful, same 0-to-60, faster, much more economical, cheaper, and as far as I could tell, no noisier.
And that got me thinking.
Maybe, while I've been wearing my blinkers, something strange has happened.
Maybe all diesel cars are now okay.
This is a diesel-powered Volkswagen Lupo.
So, we all know what to expect.
It'll make the sound of the farm yard and accelerate like a dog on a rug.
Or is that wrong? Well, let's find out! I'm going to do one lap of the M25 in this thing to see if it's bearable.
And to make it more interesting, I shall be going in convoy with a petrol-powered Lupo.
And the producer has said however much money I save in fuel by driving this, I can spend in the shop.
Like all motorway service stations, there's much to choose from.
99 for a Cliff Richard calendar.
Look at this! Gold-plated crystal telephone! I mean, who's going round the M25 and thinks, "I've suddenly decided I need a pair of trousers!" Oh, for God's sake! My video's in the discount bin! ã3.
With both cars full to the brim of fuel, it was time to set off.
Rough with the smooth on Top Gear this week then.
Little while ago I was doing burnouts in a burnt out city in a Ford GT with 500 million brake horsepower.
And now I'm going round the most boring road in the world in a diesel Lupo.
Actually, I like the Lupo.
I like its mad face and its tininess.
Best of all though, it doesn't feel like a small car.
I know it's more expensive than all its rivals, and the boot is pathetic, but there's an enormous amount of space up here, and a sense of what the Germans call "qvality.
" But now, for the nitty-gritty.
This 1.
4-litre diesel version costs ã10,200.
Exactly the same as the 1.
4-litre petrol version.
They both have power steering, both have stereos, both have alloy wheels.
Obviously, the petrol version's faster.
It'll do 120, whereas the diesel car won't.
They've helped it along with a turbo, but it'll barely do 105, and 0 to 60 takes 12 seconds.
0 to 60 in double figures.
Well, I didn't know that was still possible! The thing is, though, that in the real world, you never go from 0 to 60.
And you never go flat out.
What you do is go from 50-70 a lot, in fifth.
And that's where the diesel engine comes in.
No one knows what torque is, but this has 144 of them.
144 torques live under its bonnet! Obviously, you shouldn't listen to those people who say, "oh, you can't tell it's a diesel under the bonnet," "sounds just like a petrol!" 'Cause it doesn't.
It sounds like it's being fuelled with sandpaper.
But, crucially, it's not so noisy that I can't hear Ken Bruce's PopMaster.
"Give me the titles of three UK Single Chart hits for Squeeze!" Cool for Cats, Labelled With Love, Up The Junction.
Come on, useless man! Easy! So, that's PopMaster over for another day, and now I'm bored.
People are always being rude about the M25.
"Oh, it's got 73 miles of jams on any given Monday!" But think about it.
I know it should be wider, I know there should be 68 lanes in either direction, but 200,000 cars a day use this thing.
200,000! And imagine where they'd all go if it weren't here.
They'd go to Carshalton and Watford! Do you want to go to Watford? Hmm? Oh, no! There I was defending the M25, and now I love people's faces in traffic jams.
They always look so miserable.
It could be worse! You could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman.
But even though the motorway let us down, I have to say the diesel was good to us.
Not just bearable, but faster where it matters than the petrol.
And because of all those torques, you have to change gear less often.
And that makes it more relaxing to drive.
I'm in the outside lane of a British motorway doing outside-lane-of-British-motorway speeds in my 1.
4 diesel city car and it's fine.
I have to say, I am impressed.
Painfully, painfully impressed.
And we haven't even got to the business of fuel economy yet.
Right, that is now brimmed.
And the news is frankly astonishing.
Because this little diesel here has done 75 miles to the gallon.
And the petrol only managed 42 miles to the gallon.
And that's a huge gulf.
So are the savings.
On just one lap of the M25, 119 miles, I've saved ã4.
29, which I'm now going to go and spend in the shop.
So, what did you spend your ã4.
29 on then? -I spent it on a cock.
-Let's have a look.
-Look at that! -Oh, look.
-Gold with real crystals! -I'll just share that with the nation.
Do you know what? That is so awful.
But if that had to be me, I think I'd have had your video and kept the change! Well, the thing that occurred to me is if you went round the M25, I don't know, there were probably 20 of those different statuettes things, You could get the lot! The producer says if I go round again, I can have a beaver! -A golden beaver? -A golden beaver.
Do you honestly think I am going to put up with a small diesel hatchback just so that I can have a golden cock? Yes, almost certainly! Listen, the thing is, it is faster.
I promise you, James.
I promise you it isn't.
I organised a race this morning, round the track, in the wet, the petrol Lupo was 6 seconds quicker.
That is eternity on a little track.
On the motorway, 50-70, you put your foot down in the diesel, and the bloke in the petrol one's fishing around.
And also, if I can just think back, to when you were driving that 5 Series.
You said you were driving the 3-litre petrol, you've driven the 3-litre diesel, and I'm quoting, "and it was astonishing.
" Yeah.
The big 3-litre BMW engine is astonishing, as that Mercedes one is you drove, but on a small hatchback, okay, when you drive one of those and it's a diesel, it says three things about you.
One is, you're tighter than two coats of paint.
The second one is, that you are so much about the environment that you want to leave a little protective sooty film over it.
And the third one is, you're probably French.
I've suddenly remembered why I don't like talking to you.
So I'm going to go and talk to my best friend, the little one.
Now, we get thousands of letters every week sent here to our Top Gear office.
And to be honest, most of them we ignore.
Until recently, we suddenly decided, well, this is an untapped resource.
And we've spotted a bit of a theme developing.
We get 100 million letters every week from women complaining about their man's love of cars.
This is true.
We do.
We don't write to Trinny and Susannah on What Not to Wear and complain about women coming out of changing rooms going, "this dress is perfect, and I love the colour.
I'll try something else on.
" No, we don't.
And yet, let me just share this one.
This is from Carina Bearman of Swindon.
And she says, "in December last year, I was expecting our baby.
I went into labour.
"We went to hospital.
My labour turned out to be slow, "and we sat watching television in the communal lounge area.
"Top Gear came on as I started to get painful contractions.
"My fiancé, Darren, as always, was glued to your programme, "was oblivious to the pain I was in.
"Occasionally, he turned to me and asked, 'All right?' "And then turned back to your programme before I'd even responded.
"Only after Top Gear had finished did he pay any attention.
"We were able to go back to my hospital room.
" Yes, if you're going to write a letter in, try and have a point.
Or maybe something contentious enough.
What's that about? I have no idea.
This thing continues.
I've got one here, now.
Along the same sort of line.
"Hi, Jeremy!" With an exclamation mark.
-That's me.
-Very irritating.
This is from Claire.
She signed it with a little X, which is like a little kiss.
"My boyfriend has just bought a new Audi A3.
" Fair enough.
"Now, he's driving me mad with this new game he has, "where he tries to plip the remote locking from as far away as possible.
"Is he normal?" Yes! Clearly.
In fact, if, I'd say, if anything, he sounds like a bit of an amateur.
Because it's how you do the plip that matters.
In fact, Claire, I'm going to This is for your fella.
I'm going to show him some moves here.
-I've got some special This first one is called "The Bond.
" And it's perhaps more of a closing manoeuvre.
So, the car's there and you walk away from your car thus, and then at the last minute you turn and fire.
That's the It's a simple good one to start with, I reckon.
-Keeping the range good.
I quite like "The High Shot".
If you could demonstrate that? Well, the true High Shot is that.
That's the High Shot which we like very much.
Then there's a really good one, which is the "I've Lost My Car in the Multi-storey.
" Oh, that's also known as the Lawn Sprinkler.
Like that.
-Just like that, yes.
-Waiting for the things to come up.
All this stuff is being spoiled by these things.
This is keyless entry, okay? Now, they tell us, that when you walk up to the car, if you got one of these in your pocket, the door is open, ok? So, I was walking up to the car, opening the door, thinking, "that's fine.
" You get out, lock it and you assume, you walk away, it'll lock itself.
It does, doesn't it? Well, this is it.
You got a 100-grand Merc, and you think, "is that locked?" So you go back and it's open.
And you think, "well, it would be.
" It's bound to be, yeah.
So, you have to say to passers-by, "sorry, could you just hold that?" Then you go back, and then you find out it doesn't lock itself.
-You have to push a button.
How uncool is that! That's very poor.
I must say that I think they're going the wrong way with these sort of, pairing Love that back, actually.
with these key cards.
Pairing them down to nothing.
I think if they really want to know their market and appeal to, let's be honest, us chaps, they should go the other way and make them more elaborate.
Getting back to the original question about range.
I was told something And you don't know this.
I was told something this morning, which sounded astonishing.
So I had to try it out.
I am now about 40 yards from the back of my car and the central locking is still working fine.
But if I go back another 10 or 15 yards to, say, here.
We're out of range.
However, if I put the key against my head like so and try again, it's working! Doesn't work like that, does work.
What have I done to my head? It does work.
It doubles the range, pretty much.
It doubles the range, that it works using your head.
Do you have to have your mouth open? No! It's just like a big amplifier.
-It's scary.
-I just don't get that.
If you've got the faintest idea how that works, please write to us.
And we've got another letter as well.
Oh yes, I've got one here.
Hang on a second.
This one's come from afar.
It's actually come in from Saudi.
Which is quite a long way away.
Hold on a second.
"Dear Jeremy, my aim is to meet you " No, no.
Read out what it actually says.
"Dear" "Dear Superstar Mr Jeremy Clarkson.
" And just do the end as well.
-"Best luck to you, King.
" -That'd be me.
What on earth is the man going on about? It is rather difficult to understand.
"My aim is to meet you.
And I send with this post, a VCD, "to show how I and my friends driving.
" It does get a little bit difficult to follow.
But the video that they sent in is very easy to follow.
This is a Toyota Carina, front-wheel drive.
It is.
So he must be using the handbrake to make it do this.
Into the oil tanker.
No, he just misses there! Well done.
Oh! That's just madness! He's in the street! There are people there! This man is insane.
This is the problem, you see.
This is what happens when you don't let people drink.
-What? -What's happened there? -Oh, that's gonna go wrong.
-He's gone into the wall.
-That's gone very wrong.
-You see, a new car.
So you go out and you convert your kebab into a pavement pizza.
That's big trouble.
Then you have a fight, then you go home.
-Saudi Arabia looks to me like a lot more fun.
-But that said, you've had a laugh.
-I have.
Porsche GT3 on our track.
This shape is primeval, part of the landscape.
And just as a caveman got the jitters when he saw the outline of a saber-tooth tiger, I'm pre-programmed to start shaking when I see this.
So, which member of the 911 species is prowling around our track? This is the GT3.
A Porsche that offers you less so it can give you so much more.
It's been stripped of all creature comforts, so, there's no sat-nav, there's no air-conditioning, less soundproofing.
Even the carpets are thinner.
No fancy leather seats in the front and no seats at all in the back.
And it's all in the name of saving weight.
It makes no apologies for what it is.
So if you want a comfy ride, get another car.
If you wanna be cool on a hot day, get another car.
If you want height adjustment on the seats, which I don't, get another car.
But what they've left behind is good stuff.
For instance, look at the brakes.
The callipers are yellow, not the usual Porsche red.
And they signify something important.
The discs are ceramic.
Sounds like pottery, but it means they can cope with enormous punishment without overheating and fading.
And then, there's the engine.
Oh, yes, the engine.
It's hand-built from exotic materials like titanium.
And it's probably the most important part of the car.
Which is good, because it costs 40 grand.
Shame then that you can't really see it.
It's in here somewhere, behind this old washing machine.
And it staggers me when I think where it is: Still hanging out over the edge at the back.
Now, technically, that's just wrong.
It's like building a pyramid with the pointy bit at the bottom.
It was a daft idea when they first did it 40 years ago, and on paper, it still is today.
That should be rubbish.
It should be up to the usual old 911 tricks.
All that weight in the back swinging round like a big pendulum, ready to punish you the first time you run out of straight road, and talent.
So, you'd think that over the years they'd try and inch the engine forwards.
"I say, look at our lovely new headlamps.
" Meanwhile the engine's coming towards the front.
But, no.
German engineers don't do U-turns.
So, it's still out there at the back.
Wherever it is though, what an engine! Now, the figures speak for themselves.
0 to 60, 4.
5 seconds; top speed, 190.
And for once, it's not scary using all that power.
In the bad old days, to try and counter the handling problems, Porsche tried crude Heath Robinson measures.
They stuffed the front bumper with lead to try and balance it.
But none of it worked.
In the '70s and '80s, the 911 was the Grim Reaper's company car.
Huge crowds would gather at roundabouts to watch fat stockbrokers climb trees in their Porsches.
Nowadays, though, they're a little more scientific.
They've mastered the suspension and honed and polished their car until they're left with this magnificent creation.
This is an amazing machine! You can put it where you want it and then hold it in huge slides! Don't worry, I'm not gonna drift off.
Look, Ma! I'm going sideways! Look at that! The engine's at the wrong end, yeah.
So what? Sure, it's a flaw.
But it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole, JLo's enormous buttocks.
It's become its defining feature.
It's the whole point of the car.
The GT3 is final and absolute proof that evolution works.
And after 40 years, this isn't just good.
This is the best 911 ever.
Do you know, that's it? That has made up my mind, I'm convinced.
I'm gonna go straight home tonight, rip the back seats and all the carpets out my old 911 and turn it into a mini one of these.
It's fantastic! That won't work.
You'll just end up with an upturned bathtub with no seats in it.
You're a cuckoo job.
However, I've driven this this year, and you know I'm a bit of a Ferrari man.
Footballer! Yeah.
This was the best car I've driven all year, GT3.
I never thought I'd say that of a 911.
I adored it.
I can't believe you are, but I'm glad to hear you say.
It is absolutely fantastic.
But, of course, there is just one test left for it.
The Stig.
Now, before we sent him off to HMS Invincible, which we'll see in a short while, as a bit of practise, because it is bucketing out there, we sent him out on the track in this.
So, schnell, schnell, Herr Stigbacher! And he's off! Now, the track surface was soaking.
Look at that spray! So this is gonna be very lively out there.
Be careful, Stig.
Oh, dear.
Stig's sucking up to Martin Kemp I think.
Now, we go round Chicago.
And look, he really is He really is having to work to keep the GT3 in check here.
Going to be going into the Hammerhead.
Now, this could be the biggest test so far.
You can actually see the front end lifting under the power.
This is not a day for a rear-engine car at all! Definitely not a day for a rear engine car out there.
That is so difficult in the wet! Blasting out of the Follow Through No, he's gonna lose it! Hang on there, Stiggy! Look at that.
Not even breaking into a sweat.
The last two bends now.
Is he going to keep it off the grass? Tidy, tidy through Gambon at the end.
And across the line in Now, this is important.
Wet track.
The fastest wet lap we've ever had so far is a 911 Turbo, which, of course, has four-wheel drive.
This doesn't, and it did it in? I cannot believe this.
In the wet, 1:27.
That's just Look at that! That's faster than an Evo VIII in the dry! If that had been dry, I don't wanna even think what it would've done it in.
-That's gotta be -Anyway, after that momentous drive -Yeah? he went off and he joined the Navy.
HMS Invincible.
20,000 tonnes of aircraft carrier, and home to a fleet of Harrier Jump Jets.
This plane goes from 0 to 60 in 2.
8 seconds, and it's hitting 100 miles an hour by the time it reaches the end of the 200-metre runway.
And that has given the Stig his biggest challenge yet, 100 miles an hour in 200 metres.
Obviously, he needed a special kind of vehicle.
And this is it.
The old Top Gear Jag.
Bought for a couple of hundred quid, it was stripped of its fat and fitted with nitrous injection.
That meant 500 brake horsepower.
In a drag race in the last series, it beat just about every supercar on the planet.
But is it enough here? Top Gun versus Top Gear.
100 miles an hour in 200 metres and, unlike the pilot, the Stig must leave himself enough space to pull up again.
He's ready.
And he's off.
There we go.
Now, he's got to get to 100 and then stop again, here we go.
That's too fast! Uh That was not supposed to happen.
And that is unquestionably the end of our Jaguar.
But what about the Stig? That is all that was there.
The Navy divers went down, but they couldn't find anything.
So, tune in next week and we'll bring you up to speed with whatever developments have happened.
See you then, good night.
Top Gear Series 03, Episode 01