Top Gear (2002) s11e02 Episode Script

Cool Wall

Tonight, Audi's dynamic ride control tested to the limit in the Alps.
Variable torque split transmissions given a workout on our track.
And Merc's 190mph Black on the edge in Wales.
- (Applause) - Thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Hello, and yes, tonight and for one night only, we've accidentally made a show all about cars.
Yeah, for the whole show, not one of us falls over or catches fire or anything.
That said, later on we are gonna do the Cool Wall.
- It's back.
- (Applause) It's back, but but we're kicking off with these two.
See, in the not too distant past, you had a very simple choice if you wanted a fast four-seater rally car for the road.
Yeah, for one lap of the Nürburgring, you wanted the super-sharp Mitsubishi Evo.
For the journey home, you wanted the more comfortable Subaru Impreza.
Anyway, there are now new versions of both these cars.
Let's try the Subaru first.
Right, so it's got a gear lever and a steering wheel and a key, so it all seems very normal but it isn't.
Because, before I set off, I have to choose how much traction control I'd like.
That means going into the vehicle dynamics control system.
When you've done that, you have to choose where you want the power from the engine to go - front wheels or back wheels.
You can have it in auto, or, you can put it into manual - six settings for this.
When you've done all that, you have to choose what kind of throttle response you'd like.
Sort of quite sporty, in sport, very sporty in sport sharp, or intelligent.
This is more complicated than my daughter's mobile phone.
Honestly, I am surprised you don't drive it with one of these.
But you don't.
This car isn't an anorak.
It's where people who make anoraks go to buy their anoraks.
And life isn't much better in the new Mitsubishi Evo 10.
I have even had to resort to the handbook.
Here it is.
Because there's a button here that says ASC Off.
Now, chapter four, verse 56.
And lo, "an operation noise may be emitted from the engine compartment "in the following situations - "the sound is associated with checking the operations of the ASC.
"At this time you may feel a shock" "driving force and steering performance as the vehicle turns "while pressing the acceleration pedal.
" Who writes this? If you push this one I don't understand.
Oh, no, wait - no, no, look.
Now I see! This is to tell it whether we're driving on Tarmac or gravel or snow.
So, both these cars are complicated, both are Japanese, both have four seats, both have turbos, both have four-wheel drive, both were born in the world of rallying, both will get from naught to 60 in under five seconds, and both have a top speed of 155.
So, to try and split them up a bit, I've devised a simple test involving a small group of rally enthusiasts.
So what I'm gonna do is see how close I can get to them in each of the cars, flat out, without mowing any of them down.
I've had a 14-year-old set up all the computers for me so let's see what's what.
I came within half an inch and that put a huge smile on the rally fans' faces.
So now, here comes the Subaru.
Here we go.
had set the car up all wrong, and it had under-steered wide.
The spectators were livid.
I therefore decided to have another go.
Turn in, no power on, the back'll come round.
That's the face of a man who's lost his Bovril.
So, to cheer him up, I had one last attempt.
Turn in, no power.
This went so badly, it's not really suitable for family viewing.
In the olden days it was very close between the Evo and the Impreza - it was like Chelsea and Manchester United, but but, now, with these new models, it's like Chelsea and (Laughs) I don't know enough about football.
What team plays in red that isn't as good as Chelsea? - (Man) Nottingham Forest.
- Nottingham Forest.
And it's not just my close-quarters rally test either, where the Subaru falls down.
Let's be honest, shall we? It is uglier than a war wound.
It's far too soft and wallowy.
It sounds like it's running on Mogadon.
The only reason they can sell it for L25,000 is because it has fewer luxuries than I dunno, an Egyptian's lavatory.
So, let's concentrate on the Mitsubishi.
This is not an Egyptian's khazi.
Its TV screen is a satnav.
It's a graph showing your average speed and fuel consumption over the last two hours.
But don't think this car is aimed at an audience which isn't old enough to drive yet.
It will, quite literally, run rings round the Subaru.
It's so much sharper, so much more focused.
Better-looking as well.
And the engine in this FQ360 model is such a tower of power, it can keep all four wheels spinning endlessly.
(Laughs) I know the entry speed for this corner in a Ferrari or a Lamborghini is 65.
I've just gone in at 100.
It's just so easy.
It is genuinely incredible, and I do mean that.
There is no car that handles like this one.
Even if you have a crash, it'll still keep going.
I thought it would be impossible to make a four-door saloon more exciting than the old Evo 9, but with the 10 they have.
(Applause) - James May never exploded.
Didn't get lost.
- That's what matters.
- Just cars.
- Just two cars.
- So? - Yeah.
This is the one to buy.
Oh, no! You'd have to be drunk and mad to buy this.
- Oh, God! - No, seriously, OK, it's brilliant on the track.
Unlike old Evos, it's also quite comfortable on the road, and you don't have to service it every 700 yards, but, instead of a fuel tank, they've fitted a pipette.
I've actually worked this out - that if you drive flat out, you'll empty the tank in 48 miles.
- Ah.
- So, what I'd do is buy this one, which is the less powerful version.
- Sorry, less powerful? - Less powerful.
- Is there a doctor in here? - (Laughter) Bear with me, OK? This has got so you go further on a tank.
OK? It's got a six speed gearbox, not five.
It looks exactly the same, has the same top speed, - handles exactly the same - Yeah, but No, and, this is L6,000 less than that.
Yeah, but the Subaru is L7,000 less than that.
There's lots of things cheaper than that.
Would you like to have keyhole surgery on your scrotum? - That's very cheap.
Do you want that? - (Laughter) - No! - There you are, I've won the argument.
Now we must find out which is the fastest round our track.
If it's the Subaru, you're gonna look like such a knob now.
(Laughter) I am a bit nervous about that, but nevertheless, we shall now hand them over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples (Laughter) and that he thinks the credit crunch is some kind of breakfast cereal.
(Laughter) All we know is, he's called the Stig.
Subaru first, and he's off.
No, wait, he's still setting it up.
Bear with him.
There he goes, start the clockl with most of the power going to the back, so, basically, it's a Mark II Escort.
Yeah, you see, the back's stepping out slightly there, into the first corner.
- That will undoubtedly arouse the rally fans.
- (Music playing) Elton John.
Not literally, obviously.
(Laughter) Chicago.
Neat, not that quick.
The Impreza's a hatchback, you'll note, rather than a saloon, for the first time.
Still looks like a butchered bull terrier though.
There's a fair bit of understeer through there and tire squeal - that's not good.
Daniel waving goodbye to really stretch that 2.
5 liter Boxer engine.
Brisk through the tire wall.
Two corners left.
He's getting a bit sideways there.
And now, he's coming up to Gambon.
More sideways stuff, just like a 1970s rally car and across the line.
Now, the Evo.
- (Laughter) - What's he doing? - (Engine revs) - 0h, he's readyl And he's off, there we go.
Now, for fairness, we're using the less powerful model.
Has the same 300 horsepowers as the Subaru.
as I've said.
Through the first corner, taking it quite wide, but it is looking good.
And of course, unlike the Impreza, this doesn't resemble a smashed buttock.
Chicago was very neat.
Subaru wasn't very good here.
Can the Evo do better? He's bang on the lines.
That is stunning.
Tidier, on the correct line, little drift toward the exit.
that two liter turbocharged engine.
Now through the follow-through.
Come on, Stig, quickerl Hurry up.
Second to last corner.
Stig's hands all over the wheel like a crazed Japanese robot.
Through Gambon, four-wheel drift, and across the linel (Applause) So? - Well, come on.
- Got the times here.
Subaru - So, that goes there.
See, look, quicker than the Evo VIII.
Yeah, good, good.
So, how much quicker or otherwise is the Evo? Oh, no, it's all smudged! - You did that.
- No, I didn't.
I can't read it.
- You smudged it.
- I think what it says Yes, 1:17.
1, ladies and gentlemen! - No, it didn't! - Yes, it did.
- What did it say? - (Mumbles) - 1:20 - Eight.
- Two.
- 1:28.
22? - 1:28.
22? - Yeah.
It's slower than the Subaru! The Subaru's faster.
- It isn't.
- No, it is.
- It isn't.
- It is.
It isn't! Stop saying this! You're wrong.
No, it isn't.
Right, let's do the news.
Round where I live there's a new system for paying for your parking, using your mobile phone, but the difference is, it responds to voice commands, and the really amazing thing is, it works, until you get to the bit that says "In one word, describe the color of your car.
" - In one word? - Yeah.
Everyone would go "Erm" and then it'd be Erm.
I paid for 20 minutes parking in a fiat Panda 1.
2 Eleganza in Erm (Laughter) You've gotta describe the color in one word.
- So, if they asked me"Lovely.
" - (Laughter) Now, anyone see Dr.
Who a couple of weeks ago? Yeah.
(Sighs) Stig's been moonlighting.
We've got a clip of it here.
Check it out.
(Laughter) It's worrying.
The thing is, though, he is such a professional.
He realized there was gonna be a shot where you'd be able to see through his visor, so, rather than reveal his identity, he tore his own face off.
(Laughter) It was quite disturbing to watch, but, dedication.
Now, good news, Jaguar has found a pound, and has decided to spend it tarting up the XK.
This is it, the XKRS.
It's essentially the same, just with different suspension, and, it's got a Bluetooth system in it, OK? Now, have you ever connected anything up using Bluetooth? - No.
- Has anyone managed to? - Yes.
- (Woman) It's easy.
It is not easy! You're driving it along and it says, "Do you want to dock your phone to the dashboard?" It says "Enter the pin code 1547" So you put in 1547, it says "No, that's wrong.
" Technically, in that Jag it says, "Do you want to mate your phone?" - It does.
- If you're trying to encourage them to mate, I think a box of chocolates and some nice music would work better than a pin code.
No, it is, it's just impossible, absolutely impossible.
So, you're encouraging your phone to have sex with the dash.
What is it they do to encourage farm animals to mate? Cos they do, don't they? They do.
You have to wait for the lady cow to be on heat.
Then you put the bull in there.
You can't wait for your dashboard to have a period before you make a phone call.
How can you possibly know when your dashboard's having its period? Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason.
- (Laughter) - (Shouts) I said left! (Applause) Applause, sonny.
That's what it is.
I think you'll find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections.
- (Laughter) - "I was putting it on!" With your best mate's mobile phone.
Good news - the Vauxhall Vectra is dead.
It's gone.
Here is the replacement.
It's called the Insignia.
You've gotta say straightaway, that is a good-looking car.
There's no arguing with that.
Have you seen the new Ford Fiesta? - Yeah.
- Look at this, everyone.
That's unbelievably good.
That's terrific.
Am I right in saying, do you think, that the good-looking cars these days are the mainstream ones? Have you seen, for example, that Renault Laguna Coupé? - Or the Citroën C5, have you seen that? - Is that the Sat CC, the coupé version? I know, they are.
- Bad news! - What? The Dacia Sandero, it's delayed.
Oh, no! Anyway, last week we introduced a campaign to rid Britain of its signposts and it seems to have struck a bit of a chord with the country.
Been sent loads and loads of stupid signs that need taking down.
One of my favorites is this one.
Now, quite apart from the fact the sign cost 500 quid, how long was the meeting and involving how many people and how many biscuits, before they said, "No, we can't put ten miles, people will think we're making it up"? So, what, after 11 miles, are the squirrels just gray again? - (Laughter) - It's very precise, isn't it? What if one day, you got a really brave red squirrel, - that said "I'm gonna go to the 12!" - (Laughter) Or, he was reaching over for a nut.
Can I show you another really stupid sign - look at this one.
- Now, I live in the countryside and I know - (Laughter) squirrels don't have antlers.
I have been tossed by a squirrel like that.
- I'm sorry? - (Laughter) I mean head-butted.
Not tossed.
(Laughter) I wouldn't be surprised if one of your clubs offered squirrel tossing.
Anyway, look, I went on the internet this week and I found this.
(Laughter) I also found this.
(Laughter) What that should say is "Lane closed "so that we can impose a preposterously low speed limit on the lane that isn't closed, "and then put average speed cameras up so we can catch you speeding and fine you "and spend the money on signs with squirrels on them with antlers.
" - That's what that should say.
- (Laughter) Right, moving on.
Until recently, if you wanted a very, very fast estate car, well, you had two choices - BMW M5 or Mercedes E63 - a difficult decision, and it just got harder, because there is now a third way, from Audi.
This is what they've come up with.
The new RS6.
And straightaway, there's a problem with it.
Take this boot space - at 1,660 liters, it's a lot less than the Mercedes, and the BMW has seven speeds in its gearbox.
This has to make do with a miserable six.
Still, the RS6 does have some feathers in its cap.
You see, the Merc and the BMW have around 500 horsepower apiece.
This has more.
This is an estate car with more power than a Ferrari F430.
It's got more power than a Ferrari F50, for crying out loud! What you have here then, is the most powerful estate car in the world.
Naught to 60 takes 4.
6 seconds.
Top speed is limited to 155 miles an hour.
But on the unlimited autobahn, Audi test pilots have had more than Hardly surprising when you see the engine.
It's an enormous five liter V10, which is boosted by two turbochargers.
The whole car is awash with evidence it means business.
The Gene Hunt wheel arches, the angry grilles, the rally car pedals, the very un-estate-like Recaro seats, and finally, the ceramic brakes.
They cost six grand, which is a bit painful, but then the whole car isn't exactly a bargain.
It costs L77,000.
Almost ten grand more than the Mercedes or the BMW M5.
Now, as Jeremy found out in the last series, those cars are both pretty special to drive, so how does this big missile stack up? Well, that's why we're in the skiing town of Les Arcs in the French alps to find out.
I'm gonna drive from here, which is here, and then drive down the mountain, a very winding road all the way down here - down, down, down and then along and up a little bit at the end, to get to Le Bar Fermé at Villaroger.
And predictably, there's an improbable race involved.
Against these two.
They are Antoine Montant and Francois Bon, two top level skiers, who are also capable of seducing up to seven chalet girls at any one time.
I'm not a petty man, but I sort of dislike them already.
Anyway, while I'm driving all the way down the mountain, they shall attempt to beat me by taking a more direct and dangerous route.
That means taking a ski lift and climbing to the top of the mountain, and then sort of skiing straight down to finish at the bar.
With a bit of luck, they'll both crash, and several hundred chalet maids will return to England with their honor preserved.
Before the off, we discussed tactics.
Their English was poor, but luckily, I speak French.
- OK.
- OK! OK! Right, this is it.
Into the car's computer - a lot easier to use than the BMW's.
I've got three options for the ride settings - sport, dynamic or James May.
I think today, sport.
- OK, chaps, you ready? - (Both) Yeah.
Here we go, three, two, one, go! Now, it's 22 miles to Villaroger and Le Bar Fermé, which is our finishing line.
But this race isn't just Top Gear tomfoolery.
This route has a lot of bends, twists, turns and straights, so it should give us the opportunity to see if it's got what it takes.
Come on, big fella, let's see what you've got.
Back up the mountain, the skiers were in the first of three lifts it would take to get them to the top.
The thrust of this thing! Concentrate, Hammond, concentrate.
One patch of ice and I'll be falling for weeks.
One thing I have to remember hurtling down this hill - this is a heavy car.
It's 145kg heavier than the BMW M5 estate.
That's like driving around with Chris Moyles permanently in the boot.
With this much power and this much mass, on this sort of road, the four-wheel-drive system is working overtime.
But then, in the RS6, it does have help.
Nerd moment - it's got a very sophisticated suspension.
When a car goes into a bend, say a right-hander, it starts to lean to the left.
They've pumped more oil into the shocks on that side to prop it up and stop it doing that.
Hairpin! Yes, it can handle it.
Six miles down.
Where are they? They were still climbing in the cable car.
Leaning on the brakes, again, again, again! I think six grand is cheap.
I'd pay a lot more.
The finish line was now 12 miles away.
Up on the mountain, the two skiers were in their final cable car.
Only the tiniest window to get past.
That might be it.
Wow! Ten miles to go, ten miles.
Come on! If they're still going uphill, they've had it.
In fact, they were still climbing, even though they'd now run out of ski lifts because these guys had no intention of using normal ski runs.
Listen to that! With just five miles of driving left the skiers were now at 11,000ft Come on! and ready to come down the fast way.
Fair enough, it's a town.
Get on with it! Turn left, for God's sake! The skiers had plummeted 6,000ft in the time it had taken me to do two miles.
It was getting close.
It's a left, I'm going uphill.
This is where I have all of the advantages.
Then, with the village in sight, the skiers hit some global warming.
I was moments away but the skiers weren't beaten yet.
Go, go, go! Where do I go? Where do I go? The bar was hidden in a mass of narrow streets.
Oh, God, I'm lost.
Not now, please not now.
Any channels, this is Hammond, where are you? Le Bar, which way? - Oh, bugger! - (Laughter) Well done! Good.
Been here long? Now, go to a bar and pursue some of our English women.
(Applause) (James) All right which is best, the Audi, the Mercedes or the BMW? James, in your world, I'm guessing none.
On Planet Earth, if what you really want is a bonkers estate car, it's the most bonkers of them all, you have to have the Audi.
Well, you say that, but you just lost that race.
That was only cos I got lost at the end.
If I'd bothered to find out where the bar is before I set off, I'd have won.
So, thanks to your incompetence, frankly, we have to conclude that if you want a powerful German estate car, - buy two small Frenchmen.
- Yes.
(Laughter) Right, it's time now to put some stars in our reasonably priced car.
My guests tonight played government agents in the hit series Spooks.
Not a very realistic program, if I'm honest, cos none of the spies have ever left a laptop on a train, and they've never lost an entire town full of illegal immigrants.
Still, I am a huge fan, so I'm delighted, please, to welcome - Rupert Penry-Jones and Peter Firth! - (Applause) I see you got dressed up.
You, on the other hand Have a seat, gentlemen.
So, have we enjoyed ourselves today? - So far.
- Absolutely.
- Was the Stig nice to you? - We're both knackered.
It's very hard, you have to concentrate for so long.
We're not used to that - normally it's a few seconds.
A minute and 50 seconds.
We've got attention spans of about seven seconds, so it's a bit of a stretch.
- What, as actors? - Yeah.
It didn't go well in your practices, did it, if we're honest, Rupert? Some went well and some didn't go so well.
Who'd like to see Rupert trying to practice? (Audience) Yes! Let's just have a look.
Here we go.
This is, I think, lap number three.
Second to last corner, inevitably, and, oh, dear! - Oh! - (Laughter) Would you like to see what the car looked like after that? (Laughter) I had to get out of the passenger window.
I'm not bothered where you had to get out of it, you broke our precious Lacetti.
That's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? It's entertaining.
It is entertaining.
Well done, well crashed.
We enjoyed that.
Now, can we just talk about Spooks, do you mind? It really is a fantastic series.
I'm completely hooked.
One of the things I really like about it is that there's no guarantee when you sign up, that you're gonna be in there for a long time.
It's a great dramatic device to kill heroes.
It doesn't happen in television and Spooks is the only show that does it regularly.
Every time he asks for more money or five-day weeks, they start giving him scenes where he might die.
Putting the silencer on the end of the gun.
I nearly died about six times in the last series.
And there's always a mole, isn't there? There's always a spy.
- Why don't you ever notice that? - (Laughter) - When's it coming back? - End of September.
Because presumably each of the episodes is gonna be a lot longer this time, now you've got 42 days to question everybody.
(Laughter) OK, let's talk about cars if I may.
You first of all - first car? First car, my parents bought me a Volkswagen Polo, olive green, which, when my dad gave it to me, it was on my birthday, he gave me the keys and it had the VW sign.
I thought it was a Beetle and got very excited, and he could see the look on my face and he said "No, it's not a Beetle, it's a Polo.
" You were disappointed that you got a Polo instead of the Hitlermobile? It's got character.
When you've got no money for a car.
Horse manure's got character.
(Laughter) And then you, Peter, your car history.
I understand you once emigrated to Australia and left a car in a car park? Not Australia, I mean America.
I parked my car in a car park in St John's Wood for what I thought was a couple of days, and then I went to New York to do a play and I stayed two years.
(Laughter) Effectively forgot really that I'd left it in the charge of this car park in St John's Wood, and when I got back, they wanted L5,000 for parking charges, which I didn't have.
- I suspect a lot of actors - Exactly.
wouldn't have L5,000.
- So they took the car.
- What was it? - It was a Mercedes 300 CE Coupé, 1966.
- Oh, my God! - Nice car.
Did you not think to ring someone up in England and say "I've left my car, I've decided to stay here.
" No, you don't.
This is the man who runs Ml5.
(Laughter) - You're from Yorkshire, aren't you? - I am.
I've got this thing about actors who aren't from Yorkshire, who get jobs playing Yorkshiremen, people like him, right.
- I'd never played one.
- No, you wouldn't because they always put a T in - I'm going to t'pub.
Thank God somebody else has noticed! I thought it was me.
Emmerdale, Coronation Street - I'm going to t'foot o't'bloody t'stairs.
(Laughter) It's implying the T, isn't it? They don't actually say it.
I'm going pub.
- You remember the band The The? - Yeah.
They could never play in Yorkshire.
"I'm going to see" (Laughter) Now, I've got this poll, have you seen this? New Woman's top 100 sexy men.
You, 57th.
The annoying thing about those is you never look who's behind you, you look at who's in front of you.
There's always "I can't believe that person's" Yes, in 32nd place there's some little fridge magnet called Richard Hammond.
- (Laughter) - Where? You see? You are one behind Gordon Ramsay.
(Laughter) See, that just ruins the whole thing.
I'd love to get you and Richard Hammond sharing a flat.
(Laughter) "I want the mirror.
" "No, me!" (Laughter) We can get one for him.
Didn't you once try to chat up Jenny Agutter? How do you know that? I did.
(Laughter) We did a film together years and years ago, and then went on the road doing publicity for it, and at yet another opening and another party afterwards, I did say to her, having had a few drinks, "Can you give me one good reason why we don't go back to my hotel room?" - She said, "I can give you several.
" - (Laughter) That was the end of it.
It's such a killer, that.
"I can give you several.
" Um, I wanna get some rivalry going now.
Who's got the most interesting car now? I've got an R8 at the moment.
Not bad and you've got a I've got a Maserati Cambiocorsa.
- The Cambio, that's the flappy paddle.
- Yeah.
That's pretty good, so you've actually quite interesting cars.
- They are.
- You both had SLs in the past? I've still got my SL.
I don't think I'll ever get rid of it.
It was the first decent car I bought.
Which one was it - the Bobby Ewing or the next one? - The '86.
- They were very good.
It's lovely.
It costs a lot in bodywork, because I didn't have a garage until recently.
- Well, we've seen your bodywork.
- (Laughter) Right, so the laps - who do you think was the fastest? - I don't know.
It's close.
- You think? I have to say, both of you looked like you were trying.
Isn't that the point? Yes, but some people don't look like they're trying.
You two do look like.
We've started to see, if we have two people a week, cos it does sort of make you - Shall we see the laps? Here we go.
- (Audience) Yeah! One of you is first and it is? Who's that? We'll have to go inside.
- On guard! - It's you, Peter.
Did you like the Lacetti? - Wonderful car.
- Isn't it just? Yeah, who's the daddy? Yes, that's the way Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it is blowing through your head.
Come on, you have some power in there! We come into the Hammerhead.
Oo-er, missus.
- Yes, that's a man on - You stayed in the lines.
He did well there.
I've got the air conditioning off.
It gives me two extra horsepower apparently.
It's worth it.
And it's kinder to the environment and you use less petrol.
And we don't care about that.
Look at thatl That was good, you moved the camera - always important.
Second to last corner.
0ff the road a bit.
And through Gambon and there we are, across the line.
(Applause) Now, who wants to see Rupert's lap? - (Audience) Yes! - OK, play the tape.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Rupert's under way.
(Bleep) (Bleep) - (Laughter) - Yeah, we can bleep that out.
You're saying "Fancy that, bother" is what he said there behind the pixels.
That was a sudden turn, got a bit That was quick.
That is quick.
Oh, my heart's racing.
Whoo! That's wide, and then getting tight again.
Not bad, not bad.
Does it look as fast as it feels? - No, it looks really slow.
- That looks really slow.
But it isn't.
That's understeer.
It does No, wait, you stay between the lines brilliantly as well.
Come on, come on, this has got nothing! It has, it's got racing seats and a roll cagel It's a good job we have a spare car, isn't it? Second to last corner, this catches people out.
It's got you againl Ooh! That's off-roading, that's off-roading and more off-roading, but there we are! (Applause) So, where do we think we've come? Let's have a look.
Let's do Peter first.
Where do you reckon, Peter? No, wait, I've changed my mind.
- Me? - You don't know why I've done that.
Rupert, where do you think you've come? Above James Blunt? - Where's James Blunt? What time is he? - You're looking very low.
- Above James Blunt? - Around the middle.
You did it in 1 8.
1, - so, yes, above James Blunt.
- (Applause) What a good guess! So, do you reckon you've beaten him? I think I might have edged it.
I've got the time here.
My two boys said "As long as you come in the top half, - "then it won't be embarrassing in school.
" - (Laughs) You did it in 1 Look at his little face! 7.
- No! Yes, you did! Give him a round of applause, he's there! (Applause) That's a grimace.
That is a grimace.
Well done.
That's an impressive time.
You've beaten the Well Spoken Man.
- (Laughter) - But wait you're the fastest Welshman! - Oh, great! - (Laughter) And you are easily the fastest person from Yorkshire.
So, there we are.
It's been a pleasure having you here.
Thank you so much for coming.
Best of luck with the new series.
Best of luck with everything else you're up to.
Ladies and gentlemen, the chaps from Spooks.
- (Applause) - Thank you.
Now, you know how Fifth Gear burned down our Cool Wall? Well, we've got a new one - here it is, the Cool Wall is back.
- (Applause) - Yeah, we have a Cool Wall.
That feels better.
It does feel better.
It's back and it all needs rearranging.
It's all wrong.
There's a lot to do.
The Citroën C5.
Citroën C5, very good-looking.
- Beautiful car.
- Beautiful looking car.
I've made my mind up on this one.
So have I - it's large and French, therefore it's uncool.
You're wrong, it's cool.
No, it's large and French.
OK? Certain nationalities do certain things.
The French cook.
How many people have ever said "I fancy going out tonight, darling, "do you fancy eating German?" - No, I grant you that.
- (Laughter) How many people have ever said "I want some flat pack furniture, "so what I'm gonna do is go see Mr.
Phopolopoulos in Athens.
" No, you've got this wrong.
A large French car is like a Tunisian fitted kitchen, it doesn't work.
- Is it? - Yes, in my mind.
No, you're wrong for that exact reason.
Everybody thinks if they want a large car, buy German.
To buy French, when it's a very handsome car as well, that's a more clever decision.
Oh, go on then.
- What? - Go on then.
I can't be bothered to argue.
You can put it in Cool.
- Is this a trap? - Yes, we put it in Cool? - (Audience) No! - Don't say that, he's never given in before! - (Laughter) - Watch this.
Do it.
There's no chainsaw coming out the wall? - No.
- OK.
Now, we have a momentous Cool Wall moment.
BMW M3, here it is.
Been in Uncool for a long time, as we know.
This is cock central.
It's the only car we've ever had that broke the Top Gear cockometer.
(Laughter) The thing is, OK? The cocks who had these, have become fed up with being labeled a cock, even before they've opened their mouths, OK? So they've moved on, leaving the people who were prepared to weather the storm of hate behind.
So, the only people driving M3s now, are the people who appreciate just what a damn good car it is.
- This is therefore now cool.
- Annoyingly, I think you're right.
BMW have made a cool car.
Here's the big question for you all - if the cocks have moved out of the M3, where do you think they've ended up? - Oh, God, Hedgehog Man.
- Audi.
He's there.
Hedgehog Man has got it right.
- (Laughter) - Well done, Hedgehog Man.
All Audis Where are they all? They're all hovering around up here.
Specifically, they've ended up in that one, the RS4.
You get some idiot now, an eighteenth of an inch off your back bumper, I guarantee he's in an Audi.
These are now seriously uncool cocks' cars.
Anyone got an Audi? - Cock, cock, cock - (Laughter) And they've all got those Breitling watches - have you seen them, with the button? (Laughter) Has this got the button that if I push it, the helicopter comes? It is, it's out there now.
- This is the watch.
You don't have an Audi? - I used to have an Audi.
(Laughter) This is chief cock with his St Tropez tan.
What have you got now? - Land Rover.
- Land? What do you mean, "Yeah!"? - Whoo! - (Laughter) James owns one of those.
James May owns one of these - what's it doing up (Clears throat) (Laughter) (Applause) They are the rules.
You've taken it to the limit, but they are the rules.
You can't get much less cool that that.
You know how we just got the Cool Wall back? I'd like to do some changes.
I've got an important one I wanna do which is, bear with me on this, all Aston Martins, all of them, are now rendered uncool.
They've all moved down the board.
- (Audience booing) - Bear with me.
- I've given this some thought.
- What do you mean they're uncool? For instance, there is a sort of natural cosmopolitan cockometer in the world, called the King's Road in London, and it used to be jammed full of 911s, all of them.
Now, every single one is a cock in an Aston Martin.
Every single one, all you see is Aston Martins.
- Rubbish! - I know it's a big leap, it's a big leap.
- It's a big leap.
- Have you any evidence that they are cocks? - A lot of evidence.
- Where is it? Right, hang on a second.
For instance, all of these people - Frank Lampard, Paolo Maldini, Thierry Henry, Beckham, Wayne Rooney (Clears throat) Lan Wright, Shaun Wright-Phillips - have all got Aston Martins.
- The coolest footballers.
- The coolest what? - Footballers.
- It's a footballers' car.
- It's not.
- Wayne Rooney's got one! - That is a letdown.
- He crashed it.
- Yes, he did.
It was crashed by a plank who looks like Shrek.
- Yes.
- (Laughter) - They're all terrible.
- No, you're completely wrong.
You're not having the DB9.
I tell you what.
- You touch the DB9 - I can't.
It's locked.
(Laughter) There, it's gone, it's down here.
(Audience) Whoo! I'm right.
None of you believe me now.
One day you will come round and realize - Oh, thanks, yeah, all right.
- (Laughter) (Applause) That's always your solution.
Right, Fridge Magnet.
(Laughter) - BMW X6.
What? - Ah, yes! - Cool? - Wrong.
- No, it is.
- More No, that is actually a cool No! (Quietly) That's my microphone! It is your microphone, and now you can't argue.
This is a truly shocking car.
They said "No, it's a four-wheel drive car.
"No, let's make it look like a coupé.
" That's saying "I want a Wellington that looks like a ballet shoe.
" - It's really uncool and that's an end of it.
- (Laughter) Now listen, when was the last time you just got up and went for a drive? Not to anywhere, not for anything, just for a drive.
See, motorcyclists do it all the time, so why don't human beings? (Laughter) The price of petrol has something to do with it, but I think it's more than that.
Could it be that cars just aren't exciting enough these days? This, however, might just be enough to get you out of bed before the dawn.
It's a special version of the AMG CLK.
It's more powerful, it's more pumped up.
They call it The Black.
This is brilliant.
No phone, no kids, no interruptions.
It's just me in my little metal shell.
Time to think, time to work stuff out.
Small wonder crabs are so wise.
And this really is an ideal car for when it's four in the morning and you've got the whole 400,000-mile British road network all to yourself.
What they've done to create this L100,000 monster, is remove the rear seats, the electric motors for the front seats, the electric motor for the steering column, the satnav, some of the airbags.
They've fitted carbon-fiber door panels and carbon-fiber spoilers, and the result of all this weight saving is that it weights just a little bit more than when they started.
That's because, underneath, it has a wider, industrial-strength rear axel.
It has a differential made from a blend of lead and granite.
It's a weapons-grade car this, and it needs to be, to contain the fury of what's under the bonnet.
There's so much fury, in fact, that if you were to unleash it all, pretty soon you'd be very far from home.
They're used to monsters and dragons in this part of Wales, but I bet they've never heard one that sounds like this.
(Engine roars) This thing really is the kin of Cain.
The standard 6.
2 liter engine that Mercedes uses in its AMG models, is already bonkers enough.
If it had a tongue, it would go around licking windows.
But in this, they fiddled with the electronics and the exhaust, and the result is a dollop of full-bore savagery.
In fact, this car is so fast and so mad, it was even delivered with a warning letter from the people who made it.
I've been road-testing cars nearly 25 years now and that has never happened before, but, I've got it here and it says, "Ensure the oil is warm before driving enthusiastically.
" Well, it will be now.
"The car is savage, it's very aggressive and racy in its setup.
" This is Mercedes themselves.
"On anything other than dry roads it is extremely lively.
"Quite tail happy, even under partial throttle.
"The traction control must stay on.
" Sounds dangerous.
It isn't dangerous, though, it's just incredibly good fun.
I thought it was gonna be like a BMW M3 but it's in a completely different league.
It's just so much more noisy and powerful and exciting.
It even slows down more violently, thanks to its carbon brakes.
I only had three hours' sleep last night, but I have never felt more awake than this.
It's like a Saturn 5 rocket.
Whoa! I've often wondered why they call these the Black mountains, because they're not black, they're sort of green and brown.
Now, I know, though.
They were named for this car.
Hurry up, sunshine.
Here we go.
Christ, it's fast! Don't get me wrong, though, that is not a racing car with number plates.
It's not superstiff, supertaut, set up for the track.
Because if it was, I'd be sitting here now with blood pouring out of my ears and a smashed skeleton, thinking "Why did I go for a drive? "Why didn't I just get up and play table tennis?" Even though it has a racing car's flared wheel arches and even though some of the luxuries are gone, it still has an automatic gearbox, it's still got cruise control and air -conditioning.
It's still totally civilized.
Which means you can sit back and indulge yourself in what this show's all about - the absolute joy of driving a great car on a great road.
What The Black does then, is blend genuine red-eyed supercar madness with drip-dry everyday practicality.
I'm completely in love with it.
The only thing that's stopping me from plowing on is that.
I've run out of British Isles.
(Applause) It's a good job they didn't film Thelma And Louise in Britain.
It would only have been four minutes long.
"Bah, we've gone into Cheddar Gorge!" - (Laughter) - It's all I could find! So, is it really that good? Yes, Simon Bates, this is - (Laughter) this is my new favorite car, and I'm not alone either.
- Don't look at me.
- (Laughter) I wasn't actually.
No, the Stig drove this last week, said it's the most entertaining car he's driven in years.
That really is enough of cars now.
Next week, normal accident-prone service is resumed.
We spend the entire program falling over.
- Breaking down.
- Crashing.
So, we'll see you then.
Thanks for watching.
Take care.
(Cheering and applause)