Top Gear (2002) s11e03 Episode Script

Proper Petrolhead

Tonight, how much passion can you get for L1,000? Oh, my God, the brakes.
How much soul can you get for L1,000? And how much pain can you get for L1,000? (Cheering and whistling) Hello.
Now, most people who can afford a really expensive car tend to be getting on a bit.
And the problem is that most really expensive cars tend to be very hard, very fast and very brutal, and that's a problem.
I mean, if you're old and you drive around in something like this, your wizened little head's gonna come off.
(Laughter) Luckily, however, there's now a solution.
It's this.
It's the Bentley Brooklands and theoretically, it's the perfect super-coupé for someone who has gout.
(Laughter) Bentley say this is the roomiest two-door coupé on the market today.
It covers six postcodes.
Its rear wings alone are longer than an entire Smart Car.
it feels very small.
I don't mean small, do I? That's the wrong word.
I mean enormous.
Honestly, I was driving it down a sort of normal B road the other day and it gave me some idea of what it would be like to try and park the moon.
But strangely, it's not the size that overwhelms you most of all.
It's the attention to detail.
On average, it takes a swarm of robots about nine hours to make a small hatchback like this.
With the Bentley, though, things are a bit different.
The whole back end has to be assembled by hand because the shape is just too complex for a machine to understand.
to produce enough leather for this one car.
And it takes 125 hours to stitch it all together.
It takes two days to polish all the stainless steel trim-pieces and 130 hours to make the roof lining.
Honestly, it probably would have been easier to just take Blenheim Palace and put some wheels on it.
To make the carpet, And for the dashboard, 107 square feet of 80-year-old walnut was needed.
The upshot is that it takes 14 times longer to make a Brooklands than it does a normal L10,000 hatchback.
So you'd expect it to cost 14 times more - L140,000.
But in fact, it costs getting on for L240,000.
And that's before you start with the options list.
The special flying-B bonnet emblem, for instance, is L2,136.
Ceramic brakes are getting on for L20,000.
It is therefore very expensive, but then it is very special.
In a normal supercar you get to where you're going very quickly.
In this, it feels like you've arrived before you've set off.
You really do feel, when you're in a Brooklands, that you are completely isolated from the rest of the world.
And that's because you are.
Let me give you an example of what I'm on about, OK? When we're down at the track, I'm always given a walkie-talkie so I can talk to the crew.
And they always work fine, never miss a beat.
But in this, you can't get a signal.
Hello? It doesn't work.
Hello? Hello? I see what they mean about it being erm lonely at the top.
So there we are.
A quiet and spacious sensory-deprivation tank for rich old people who want to dawdle around in great comfort in a car which has the same top speed as the Vatican.
So, what, you may be wondering, is it doing with a Sport button? I mean, that's as stupid as putting a Sport button on the Albert Hall.
The thing is, though, this car needs a Sport button because of the monster that lives under the bonnet.
Waaa! Ha-ha! Designed to run on coal in the reign of King Edward II, this six-and-three-quarter liter V8 was originally meant to produce no more than 200 horsepower.
In the Brooklands, though, it's producing 530 horsepower.
And, if you use the Continental measuring system, more than 1,000 torques.
The effect is profound.
- Listen to that.
- (Roars) That is the sort of sound scientists create when they want to set off earthquakes.
You drive one of these things through California, San Francisco is gonna end up in the sea.
in the world.
Oh, my God.
I am going sideways.
I am para-sliding a Georgian tallboy.
This isn't driving.
This is naval warfare.
What you do is turn in, make smoke and then turn to face the enemy.
Aha! You see, you weren't ready for that.
You don't wonder at how it does what it does.
You just marvel at the fact that it can do it at all.
Sure, compared to other supercars its top speed of 185 is not that fast.
The thing is, though, you can't compare it to other supercars.
This is a huge slab of Old England.
You've got to compare it to Edward Elgar.
And he couldn't do 185.
You have to love the Brooklands, right up to the moment when it all goes horribly wrong.
Ah.
I think one of the tires may have just let go.
This is what we call, in the world of filming, a wrap.
(Applause) - What? - Well What? Well, I'll tell you what.
I'll tell you what.
Look what you did to the tire.
- Look.
- No.
It wasn't me.
No, it wasn't.
You see, the thing is, you know you turn the traction control off in a car, OK? - James doesn't.
- No, James doesn't.
But a normal person turns the traction control off.
The problem is, this has so much torque that if you even gently put your foot on the throttle it just spins the rear tires.
That's the result.
No, that's because you were driving like an animal out there.
No.
I had a blow-out, right? And that that's a point.
I had a blow-out.
I held it.
I didn't go on Fern and Phil's sofa, talking about my near-death experience.
- Yeah - I took it like a man, frankly.
All right.
All right.
Can we find out how fast it goes round the track? No.
No, there's no point, honestly.
A car like this, you may as well put the Stig in the studio and see how fast that goes round.
So, what we're gonna do instead is the news.
Well, we'll do the news in a minute, cos first I want to say a couple more things about that Bentley.
You said there it was like a slab of Old England.
Yes.
- But Bentley is owned by VW.
- Yeah.
That car was styled by a Belgian and it was engineered by a man called Ulrich Eichhorn.
It doesn't sound very British, does it? Are you presenting Top Gear or writing a letter to the Daily Telegraph? Well, I'm just saying that you know immediately that that car is German cos it's got too much power.
They've overdone it, as usual.
Like they did on their French holiday in 1939.
(Laughter) James, the Queen is German but you don't sing "Deutschland, Deutschland, über alles" every time she comes on the television.
- I do, actually.
- Yeah, he does.
(Laughter) I'm going to do the news, OK? You know the erm the campaign we're having to get rid of stupid, unnecessary signs? Lots of people have been very kindly sending in examples.
Check this one out.
- (Richard) If you look - (Laughter) If they hadn't put the sign there, he wouldn't have hit anything.
Don't put unnecessary signs at the side of the road.
Please, stop it.
We're doing this to shame the councils that put these things up without thinking about it.
My favorite sign of the week, sent in by a viewer - here it is.
(Laughter) - Why? What for? - It's not even true.
- Is it? - Shall I tell you something incredible? You know these new eco-signs? They've got their own little windmills, solar panels.
- D'you know how much they cost? - 3,000 quid.
L10,000.
Of our money.
L10,000.
And, by law, there has to be a conventional sign next to them, saying the same thing for when it's dark and not windy.
Which makes the L10,000 sign completely pointless.
Yes.
If you're going to be eco, don't put the bloody sign there in the first place.
(Laughter) - We are being governed by imbeciles.
- Yeah.
- Hey, go on, more news.
- Yes.
VW has announced the new Scirocco.
We've got one in the studio.
It's actually over there.
You've got to admit it's a very good-looking thing.
- (Jeremy) Looks like the Stig's helmet.
- In white, yeah.
- It really does.
- Basically, it's a Golf GTi.
But it's got fancier suspension underneath and this great-looking coupé body over the top.
It's a fab thing.
But here's the point.
- It actually costs the same as a Golf GTi.
- The same? Well, yeah, it's 150 quid more but you get more kit as standard so it works out the same, which How VW have got a bit of a history of this because the Bugatti Veyron, which is a VW They did.
That cost them L5 million to make and they sold it for 850 grand a pop.
I don't think they've got the best accountants.
They must go, "Why do we keep losing money every year?" "How does it happen?" I suppose if you actually wanted to save money, though, you shouldn't buy either of those, you could just buy the Seat Leon, cos that is actually a VW Golf underneath.
(Richard) Same underneath.
(Jeremy) No.
No.
It's got a version of the same engine, which is more powerful and costs less than either of them.
- You can't buy that because it's a Seat.
- What's wrong with that? - It's Spanish.
- What's wrong with that? I'm bored with Spain at the moment.
Fernando Alonso in Formula 1, he's the most successful driver there.
He just is.
OK? Then you've got Nadal in tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks - and they stab cows.
- (Laughter) - So that's the Spanish.
- That is the Spanish.
- Anybody from Spain here? - (Man) Yes.
Give me my fish back.
(Laughter) - Great news.
- What? The Dac The They know what it is.
The Dacia Sandero has gone on sale in the left-hand-drive market.
Nice.
Now, just one more thing.
Did you see the papers this week about Prince Charles running his DB6, his Aston, on wine? - Yes, I did.
- Yes.
- Why doesn't he use petrol? - It's not like there aren't petrol stations.
- It's cheaper and everything.
- I don't get it.
- What? - (Man) Waste of good wine.
- Yes.
- I know, it's a waste of good wine.
Unless, of course"Nasty whine coming from your engine, sir.
" - "Yes, I know, it's a South African.
" - (Laughter) Er, right, that is the end of the news and we're gonna move on now.
I'm afraid there's been a bit of an argument in the office.
You see, us three, we maintain that Alfas have a certain flair that you just don't get from other cars, OK? And that you can't be a true petrol head until you've owned one.
Yes, but the producers argue that all Alfas are ugly little rot-boxes and you'd have to be galactically stupid to buy one.
So what they did was they gave us each L1,000 to spend on an Alfa Romeo and then they told us to meet in a car park near East Anglia, where we would be given some challenges.
(Jeremy) I was the first to arrive.
This is a 75, and I will admit it is not the best-looking car in the world.
It rather looks as though they got themselves an Etch A Sketch to design it.
And then they fitted the wheels from a grand piano.
However, underneath, that is a different story.
The gearbox is at the back for better weight distribution.
The brakes - the rear brakes, anyway - are inboard to reduce unsprung weight.
It's got limited slip diff.
And at the front it's got Alfa's 3 liter V6 engine - I think one of the best engines ever to go into mass production.
And I got this whole car for L450.
It's May! In a GTV.
If you got this for less than 1,000 quid I will eat my own shoes.
Do carry on.
L995.
And what have you bought? You idiot.
- Did you just say "2 liter"? - Yes.
- Well, why didn't you get the GTV6? - It's not as good.
In what way is it not as good? Heavier at the nose and the handling is compromised.
- Cos it's front-wheel drive, this.
- Exactly.
- And front-wheel drive is for the feeble.
- No.
- This is rear-wheel drive.
- I know.
- Racing pedigree.
- This piece Think about it.
is to make Alfa look good again.
This, as I just This is In black, this is a symphony of evil.
- It's not black, it's gray.
- It's black.
- What's that? - It's a What? - What's that? - Bird dirt.
Yours is, I think, a trial of style over substance.
I can't even look at the front of one of these cars because I get sexually excited.
(James) Mercifully, Jeremy was interrupted by the arrival of Hammond.
- (Jeremy) Dustin Hoffmond has arrived.
- Hello, there.
- That's - Behold the Spider.
- I knew you'd buy a Spider.
- I knew he would.
This is the version that only had one windscreen wiper.
- No, actually, there is another.
- Like a Scirocco.
This is the definitive small Italian sports car.
I couldn't believe you can get one of these for a grand.
- You know we're supposed to be - That doesn't always work.
- It doesn't work at all.
- No.
Let's start here.
- Does the door mirror work? - No.
- Does this window work? - No.
- Any of those switches? - Not really, no.
- No.
That window? - No.
- That windscreen wiper? - No.
- At least there's no play in the steering.
- That's all part of the character of Have a look at the front wheels, ladies and gentlemen.
You could drive this through an American movie.
(James) We could have bickered until the middle of next week but the producers, keen to show we were morons, were ready with the first challenge.
"Back in 1743, Alfa Romeo was indeed a successful racing team.
" See, they haven't got the idea of this at all.
"We shall now see how much of that racing pedigree has survived.
"You will therefore go to a track day at Rockingham race circuit" - Ooh.
I hadn't seen that one coming.
- You haven't seen this one coming, either.
"where you will get one point for every car you overtake "and lose one every time you are overtaken.
" - Ah.
- I may surprise you.
I bet you I don't, though.
- Right.
- Let's go.
(Jeremy) We saddled up and headed for Rockingham.
Well, two of us did.
It won't work in a smooth way.
(Judders, rattles) (Jeremy) The idea of a track day is very simple - anyone can turn up with any car and spend some time blasting it around as fast as possible.
Be very conscious of the loading, especially on this corner.
Naturally, there was a safety briefing but, thanks to James, we arrived a bit late.
stick to your line - Sorry.
- Sorry, everyone.
- Afternoon.
- Sorry.
- It was his fault.
OK, overtake either side.
Stick to your line and let the overtaking car get past you.
OK.
Everybody happy? Good, good.
- What was the first bit? - I think we may have missed quite a lot.
(Jeremy) Still, driving round a track - how hard can it be? - Hammond, I'm gonna stick behind you.
- OK.
Then I'm gonna take you on the straight and get a point.
I don't think so.
- How many horsepower have you got? - 126.
- 190.
- They're all broken.
They've got three legs.
Right, right, left, left, left, right left, right, left.
Straight.
Ohh! Listen to that.
(Jeremy) 0n the circuit we got a bit of a shock.
I'm minus one already.
Bloody hell.
That's minus three in one lap.
(Richard) Things were bad for James and Jeremy but they were worse for me.
What?! Aghhh! (Jeremy) After three laps of not overtaking a single thing, we scuttled back to the pits.
Sorry.
And there, the penny dropped.
Porsche 911, another GT3 RS.
- Lotus Elise, Porsche - Porsche.
Porsche.
I thought track days were just for yobbos in - Saxos.
- Yeah.
(Jeremy) Plainly, we had to think of a way of slowing the opposition down.
Guys, I've got an idea.
Unnerve them.
- Morning.
What's that? - A five.
It's a five? They're the ones that had the steering issues, didn't they, - when you were going really fast? - Well, it actually But d'you remember, when you went really quick, how they used to jam? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, they did.
Have you had any of the problems with the with the engine-compartment fire thing that they went on about a few years ago? - Where did you hear that? - We had it at Top Gear, on the track.
Something to do with hard cornering.
A GT2? They were the ones, the discs used to What was it? The discs shattered under hard? It's always on tracks, but anybody who's watched it, they say it's just the speed from right that end of the car in, like, seconds.
Yeah.
It's more, they reckon, an explosion than an a fire.
(Jeremy) So, did this work? No.
But it didn't matter, because we had Alfas and they were fantastic.
Oh, that handling is spectacular.
No other word for it, really.
It wants you to drive it.
It wants to be driven, this car.
Look at the vigor with which it attacks this bend.
(Jeremy) Even Hammond was looking on the bright side.
It weighs just over 1,000 kilos.
My Lotus Elise weighs just under 1,000 kilos so it's a Lotus Elise.
(Tires screeching) (Wails) (Richard) Despite our enthusiasm, though, we still hadn't overtaken anyone.
Oh, I've lost power steering.
(Richard) And the 75 was starting to suffer from Alfa-itis.
When you put your arm on the center console your elbow does operate the rear windows.
That is an issue.
But it still has that Alfa magic you can't ever really describe.
Only Alfa Romeo owners know.
- (Clunk, whirring) - What was that? Oh.
Something's horribly wrong here.
There's a buzz, there's a feel that's different and odd.
I had to make a pit stop.
This is the thing you have to remember is Alfa build a car to be as good as a car can be briefly.
That left it up to my colleagues to defend Alfa's reputation.
Oooh! Squeeze the power through the long-banked curve.
(Bleep) Edit.
(Whirring and whining) My flywheel bearings sounded very poorly.
It's an incredibly erm complex job to put a new one in.
It's now quarter to 11 in the morning.
I might be able to get a new one in, if I had one, by about erm (Mutters) by about October.
I therefore decided to cool it down with a fire extinguisher.
It was a brilliant idea.
But then I got some bad news over the radio.
I've just been told something rather interesting.
What's interesting? While you're sitting in the pit, every car that passes the pit lane wall counts as an overtake.
Oh, for God's sake.
Can we hurry up with that jack? More to the point, Jezza, you're being overtaken by me, consistently.
Just overtaking you again, Jeremy.
Shut up, Hammond.
My flywheel was the first real problem of the day, but soon they were coming thick and fast.
Clutch.
I'm going to the floor.
The brakes have just cooked.
I think I'll just rest here, let my brakes cool for a bit.
- My brakes are shot.
- This is smelling bad.
The driver's seat has collapsed on the right-hand side.
Is that water-pump gasket failure or some sort of - It's the pump.
- The actual pump.
Then I tried to get a point by overtaking Captain Slow.
Naturally, that got us black-flagged, but at least I took full responsibility.
- You - That's the rules.
turned in on me.
- Rubbish.
That's where you're supposed to turn.
was descending into a farce.
Oops.
That's a 16-year-old boy who's just overtaken me.
In a Corsa.
Cock! I'm gonna take a Gallardo Superleggera! Ye-e-e-s! Utter joy! Oh, wait, now he's gone again.
Soon, though, my disappointment got worse.
(Banging) (Rattling) That's not good.
What's happened? Jeremy's exhaust appears to have fallen off.
That got me black-flagged again.
Ho-o-oly cow! There's nothing to worry about.
It's just the exhaust.
It's Alfas.
They do things that you're just not ready for.
A point that was proved moments later.
- What's the matter? - Clutch.
Well, get it back up, otherwise the producers will laugh at us.
I know.
Come on.
I can hardly believe this.
The only car that is out there right now, working, is Hammond's.
Well, when I say "working" Please give me another cylinder back.
Please change your mind back and be a four-cylinder again.
(Richard) As we sorted out our little niggles, the tally continued to mount.
But even Jeremy was admitting speed isn't everything.
- Been overtaken much? - There's Caterhams and Porsches - Can I just say? They're fast.
- Yeah, brisk.
Do they have the soul, the character, the passion? If Katharine Ross - she of Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid fame, and The Graduate - were to come here and choose her favorite car, - it would be none of those.
- No.
(Jeremy) Finally, we were ready to get back out there.
And this time we had a plan.
By working together, we'd stop the overtaking massacre.
Get alongside me, quick as you can.
Yeah, now let's see 'em overtake.
Ha-ha! (Richard) Brilliant! Why didn't we think of this before? (Triumphant laugh) (Horns blaring) - Have you been overtaken recently? - No, not for a while, actually.
No, neither have I.
(Jeremy) 0f course, to stop anyone sneaking by on the wider bits of the track, we had to weave about a bit.
- (Crunch) - Oh, that's not gone well.
was working brilliantly.
Until I was stabbed in the back.
- That's a point for me! - Oi.
They've ruined the game.
Now look.
Back-stabber Hammond was now getting very cocky.
He fell off! - (Clattering thud) - Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, I've got no engine.
Brutus Hammond was out with a broken water-pump and then it was the turn of Cassius May.
No clutch! Meanwhile, for me, things were looking good.
Hey, it looks like we got ourselves a slowcoach here.
I'm gonna take the Focus.
Come on! Come on, Alfa! Show the world! Yeah, youth, how do you feel now? I've got a point! Oh, my God, the brakes.
- Whoa! - (Bleep) - What's wrong with yours? - All the water's coming out.
- Is it? - It's not good.
- How's Jeremy doing? That's the thing.
- I dunno.
Ask him, actually.
- Jeremy, how are you doing? - Not brilliantly.
I think it's gonna be all right.
- I just need a tow-truck.
- (Laughing) Do you think they're A, going to be sympathetic or B, be a couple of? - Nice work! - No, they're going to be a couple of.
- I'll tell you what happened.
- I'll tell you.
No, a man came and pushed it over when I wasn't looking.
- No.
You crashed it and it's on its side.
- I didn't crash it.
No, look what you've done, man! - Yeah! - Look what you've done! (Richard) It's a minor scuff.
Come on, car, don't let me down.
- (Engine starts) - Ahh Doesn't sound good, that car.
(Cheering and whistling) You can't kill an Alfa.
You can't kill a 75, that's for sure.
Anyway, look, we've now come back into the studio because we've got another challenge.
Yeah.
We were each told to make a calendar featuring our cars, a bit like any of these, and then put it on sale for L4.
99 at a top West London newsagent's.
We'd get one point for every calendar we sold.
Now, I did quite a lot of research, OK? And I discovered that what makes a calendar sell I've got them here.
Look.
See what's in common? Haystack.
Haystacks.
- (Laughter) - Haystacks.
- Girl.
And - (Laughter) So I decided the best thing I could do was this! Wh Hang on.
Is that the car behind the haystack? Yes.
Cos I realized the 75 is not the prettiest car Alfa ever made, so I know haystacks are popular, so I did that.
Well, look, here is your calendar on the shelf.
- How long was that on sale for? - It's been on sale now for a month.
- Right, and how many have you sold? - None.
Not one.
James, how have you done? I decided that I wanted a really nice woman to pose with my car for the calendar.
So, what I did was wrote to some supermodels.
What supermodels? Kate Moss, Sophie Dahl, the lot.
The big ones.
- And how many replied? - None.
So, what did you do? Well, time was getting a bit short and I was desperate so I rang up a local modeling agency - What, in Hammersmith? - Yes.
We've got one.
I said, "Could you send a model round? I need one urgently for a car calendar.
" - Yes.
- And they did.
- (Laughter) - James, that is a man.
- That is a man.
- I know! But what could I do? He turned up, he was excited about his big moment.
I couldn't send him away, could I? - How many have you sold? - None.
Right.
- So it's all down to you - Yes, well to defend Alfa's honor.
- It is.
I was clever.
I decided I wanted an action shot of my car for my calendar but we had to do it ourselves so Well, here I am doing it.
I set the self-timer on the camera.
That gave me ten seconds to run to the car, get in, start it, drive past and get a shot of the car moving, but I missed it.
So I set it for longer, which gave me more time to run to the car, get in, drive off and then I missed it again.
So then I thought, "If I change the line and drive the car closer to the lens "I'll get a close-up shot of it all blurry in action as it went past.
" And er that that didn't go well, either.
- (Laughter) - Yeah.
Did you actually get a picture? Yes, I did.
You see, I persevered and er, there it is.
(Laughter) That's the worst picture I've ever seen in my life.
It's action, it's blurry and it's got a calendar on it and everything.
- How many did you sell? - None.
Right, so OK.
Er, let's put the scores, shall we? Er, how we're doing.
Obviously, you get er one point for every tenner under 1,000 so, James, you got a half.
You got naught.
I got 55 for that.
Er, calendars.
That's naught.
- Naught.
- Naught.
Naught.
Er, overtaking.
OK.
Ready? James, you were minus 203.
Richard, you did well.
- Minus - Ah.
178.
- Right.
And me? (Clears throat) Even though I got that Ford OK? Did spend quite a lot of time in the pit so I was minus 200 and six.
- Oh, well done.
- Bit disappointing.
But don't worry.
We're gonna pick this up later on and all will be well.
Now, though, it's time to put some stars in our reasonably priced car.
Now, we're often accused on Top Gear of not really having too many minorities on.
Tonight, though, we have someone who's Welsh and someone who's fat.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, from Gavin & Stacey, it's Rob Brydon and James Corden! (Cheering and whistling) How are you? - Rob.
- Good evening.
Have a seat.
Look at this.
Now Obviously, you're a new boy.
You've not been here before.
- Never.
- You, of course, have.
I've looked after the new boy, sir, and shown him round the dormitory.
Have you? Cos last time you came, you were super-quick.
Yeah, but the worst thing about the last time I came was my reaction when you told me how well I did.
I was like a child who'd been told he'd been given a BMX.
It was awful.
And I think it's Obviously, Steve Coogan is a great friend of yours and you And he's a big car head, big petrol head.
And you beat him.
I've beaten him twice now, cos he came back, didn't he? No, you were faster than Coogan, which was very important.
And how was it for you, then, today? It was good.
Er although I've never driven a manual car before.
(Laughter) I've I've only got an automatic license.
Cos your driving test wasn't that smooth even in an automatic, was it? - No.
- Tell the ladies and gentlemen.
Well, when I took my test, I had nine points - on my provisional license.
- (Laughter) I had nine points.
I had a scooter, which only went 44 miles an hour.
But I drove it at 44 miles an hour everywhere and got six points in one night.
Plainly a fairly catastrophic driving history Mm.
No one's and yet a fairly smooth day out there.
Unlike some people.
Well, you see, the last time I wasn't expecting anything and then did quite well.
So I was very full of myself.
So this time I thought, "I can't be slower than last time.
" Who'd like to see Rob practicing hard? (All) Yes! We've got some footage here.
There we go.
That was lap one, everybody.
There he is.
Lap three.
And lap four And he's already on the grass there, we should explain.
So, two absolutely useless drivers here, by the looks of it, today.
But if I may, I'd just like to talk about Gavin & Stacey.
Fantastic.
- It's a staggeringly good thing to be in.
- Oh, it's fantastic.
You play this character with a slightly ambiguous sexual past, let's put it that way.
It's interesting what people read into it, Jeremy.
I think it often says more about the viewer than it does about the (Laughter) James May I find a lot of men without a sexual compass are kind of wavering.
They don't know which way to go and they latch on to that aspect of his character.
And you two really racked up the BAFTAs with it, as well, didn't you? I mean, cor.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Was it the Best everything? Well, no, the show won TV Show of the Year.
- And then - Mm well it's all right.
- It won TV Show of the Year.
- Yeah.
No, it won it.
There's no other way around it.
I know.
And then I won I won one for a comedy performance on my own.
Yeah.
Did you want to be an actor from a young age? Is that how you ended up being one? - Yeah, it's all I've ever wanted to do.
- But weren't you an underwear model? Well, I mean Anyone here read Heat magazine? We found this in it.
(Laughter) D'you know what? I just wish I'd stuffed my pants.
You won't see me greasing up my torso in Hot magazine.
- Hot? - I believe that's what it's called.
- (Laughter) - Well, that was a very Cos I have I do Actually, I must just say this.
Cos you make something of the fact you're a larger chap.
- I can't really ignore it.
- No, exactly.
I find I find the fatter person to be more entertaining company than the thinner man.
(Laughter) - No? - You mean? I don't know if it's quite that cut and dried but you've had to create a personality to get girls.
This is it.
I mean, you're Welsh.
Same thing, presumably.
It's It's a similar sort of holdback, yeah.
Er now, cars.
Er, Rob, last time you were on you did own up to a pretty shocking car history.
Yeah, but since then I've had an Audi A4 convertible, which is great.
And I'm about to take delivery of a brand-new A6 allroad.
And I thought this was gonna go down great with you and then - Then you hear this.
they tell me you're down on da Audis.
No, we've moved them down the board, I'm afraid.
- Why? - Because the cocks, let's be honest, who used to have BMWs, have now moved and they're all in Audis.
Well, I never had a BM (Deepens voice) I never had a BMW.
I - I - Have you got a? - I don't drive an Audi.
I would like one.
- He drives a salesman's Mercedes.
A regional-rep Mercedes who's up and down the M1 with his samples in the back.
That's not true.
- You've got your samples up front.
- It's a coupé.
It's a coupé but I don't like it.
I've got a Mer I've got a C180 coupé and I don't really like it, so I want to get another car.
- So I was gonna get an A5 or an S3.
- They're nice.
The A5s are nice.
- The A5's a beautiful car.
- A lovely shape.
I've never seen one.
I'm absolutely convinced Audi just made one for the adverts and they've never actually put it into p I was sat in one the other day in a showroom.
- You've got to get out more.
- Yeah, come on, man.
- You've seen it - Come down from your ivory tower.
You've seen one.
Erm, now we ought really to have a look at your laps, I guess.
- I'd love to.
- All right.
OK.
OK, well, now we're gonna see I think we're gonna see your lap first, Rob.
That means he was faster cos you're saving the faster one.
- Goodbye.
- There's no way I'm faster.
- I can't drive a manual car.
- It's like you are worried about this.
- He is.
- Course I'm worried about it.
Rob, you're first.
Here we go.
- 0h, it's wet.
It's wet out there.
- It's taking a while to get a grip.
Fast, fast, fast, fast, fast.
Theoretically, this car is a little bit quicker than the old Liana.
Here we go.
- (Rob) 0h, that looks slow.
- No, but it's a nice line.
- That's good.
- Is it? "0h he's gonna hit me.
" - That's good.
- That is good.
It is good, isn't it? Oh, I slowed down there.
That's the face of a man who's concentrating.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Come on.
- You're so keen! - Well, you wanna do well.
- Into the Well, I'm really impressed.
- It looks really slow to me.
Everybody says that but it isn't.
You can even see the understeer there.
You held it nicely.
That's looking good.
- Have you driven a manual before? - (Laughter) Yesl Ooh, I'm already thinking about the end.
This is it.
Did you manage to get through? - Oh, that's rubbish.
- What's the matter? Is it broken? - 0h, don't be like that.
0h, look at that.
- Come onl - That's 0h, nol - 0h, dearie me.
Oh, no! Oh, that's terrible.
That was awful.
Oh, that was a dreadful finish, wasn't it? Yeah, pretty slow.
Which means new boy that you're in with a chance here.
Shall we see his lap? (All) Yes.
Here we go.
Is he gonna be reckless or hopeless? That's on the rev limiter there.
Good start.
there and then into the one that was.
- Nice line.
Much wetter for you.
- Just a bit.
(Bleep) Is that third? I don't know.
God, that's a brilliant linel - That's really good.
- Get in there, you bitch.
Hammerhead.
Can he make this one good, as well? Yes, look, you've got the understeer but not quite Rob's got quicker reactions there.
It's the older man.
Get in gear, you That's fifth.
That's third.
Agghhh! - (Bleep) piece of (Bleep) manual car! - (Laughter) Who drives a manual? No one.
They're (Bleep).
(Laughter) Oh, we can probably beep all that out.
And a very brave line, as well, hanging the tail out.
Now, you're coming up through here, looking quicker Frankly, looking 0h, no, you've gone in for a corner that wasn't there again.
It's looking wildl And then big smile and across the line.
So who wants to go first? I'm thinking probably we'll put er (Clears throat) Rob.
I don't think it's good because that really was a very slow end, so I would imagine I'm somewhere just underneath Ronnie Wood.
No, I'm lower.
Oh, no.
Oh, Steve's there.
Steve Coogan is here.
He made me put an H on it cos he said it was a very hot day and for some reason, in his mind that slowed him down considerably.
I don't know.
I really have no idea.
- Well, last time you beat him.
- Yes, I did.
This time, you did it in one minute 50 - So - Steve - He beat me.
- He beat you.
- That's 1:51.
7.
- Oh, no.
But it was wet.
- It was wet.
- That's a very good point.
Which means you can, if you see Steve, tell him that you would have gone four seconds a lap faster than that.
- So actually, most important thing - Oh, here we go.
Here we go.
To make it worse.
Right.
There's no way I can possibly have done better than that.
Because I was in fifth at one point.
If he has beaten me, I would like an official inquiry.
- You did it - Go on.
One minute So give him a round of applause.
It's It's low, but it's wet.
I bet if they did an automatic I could beat Les Ferdinand.
Anyway, look, chaps, it's been absolutely fantastic.
Thank you so much for coming on.
Very best of luck with all the new projects.
Ladies and gentlemen, James and Rob.
(Cheering and whistling) Well done.
Now, earlier on, we were trying to prove that an Alfa Romeo will put a bit of zest in your life.
And the producers were trying to prove that an Alfa Romeo will just explode and bring nothing but untold misery.
And so far, we've taken our L1,000 Alfa Romeos on a track day and we've made some calendars out of them.
But now we pick up the action at the Top Gear technology center in Didcot.
(Jeremy) This is what the cars looked like after their day at the track.
But the producers were showing no mercy.
- Thanks.
Here we go.
- It's a drag race.
- It'll be reliability.
- It's a drag race.
It's neither.
"Your cars have been entered for a concourse competition "tomorrow in Leicestershire.
" Concourse.
That's that's like Crufts for cars.
- It's all about presentation, isn't it? - Absolutely.
"The judges will be looking for spotless originality.
"In other words, your cars need to look like they just came out of the factory.
"So, before you set off, you'd better set to work with the polish.
" Because concourse judges even check the tire dust-caps for cleanliness, I had to mend the damage caused by James.
Not easy when spare parts are hard to come by.
If they're gonna notice dirt on the inside of an exhaust pipe, they're going to notice that one of my indicators is from a Metro and it's in upside-down.
James, however, was loving this.
In cleaning the car, you sort of clean your mind.
And all you have to worry about is, "Is that bit there as clean as it could be?" No, it isn't.
So let's improve it.
(Banging) That's on now.
Leather food.
Yeah.
"Test an inconspicuous area first.
" I decided to respray my car.
But even this had problems.
This is a nice color.
You know that Skoda green? I bought some - You know when I did the police car? - Yeah.
- That's the only paint we've got.
- That's a lovely color.
Although if you're gonna change the color you'll have to be a lot more thorough.
Like you have to do under the bonnet.
- They'll n - They will.
(Richard) While Jeremy carefully applied his new paint Check it out! I came up with a genius plan to fix my ruined seats.
Hoo-hoo-hoo, look at that.
Yeah! Soon my new paint job was complete.
The badge.
Oh, God.
And while it dried, I went to check on the others.
- What if we try on the other side? - No, no, don't go in the car.
- Don't put your hands on the car.
- Oh Re-covering my seat, it's brilliant.
- Out of what? - Your jacket.
- You! That is my jacket! - Yeah.
I am a bit disappointed, I must confess, in how that's turned out.
The front.
The sides and everything look good, but the front, it's very bad.
To distract the judges from the poor quality, I decided to go for some non-original racing stripes.
And I'm gonna tell the organizers these are the national racing colors of Ecuador.
(Richard) As night fell, things were going well.
The cars were beginning to look factory-fresh.
Yes.
James.
James, something I've done works.
(Richard) Yeah, and it fits perfectly.
I, however, had one big problem - my water-pump was still broken, which meant I'd have to feed coolant to the engine manually as I was driving along.
- How does the bonnet go down? - I haven't worked that out yet.
Don't rush me.
This is engineering.
What if we make a cut-out in the bonnet with a saw? They'll notice that.
D'you think they'll notice that, with this in the passenger seat? (Richard) The next morning, we set out on our 80-mile journey to the concourse competition.
(Jeremy) The track day really had taken its toll on my poor 75.
OK, I've got an alternator-failure warning light, brake-failure warning light, oil-pressure warning light and the unmistakable sound of a ruined gearbox.
And that's what I like about Alfas.
No other Alfa in the world has all these problems today.
They have different ones.
Take Richard's car, for example.
Ergonomically, I think this system is a little flawed.
The handle could fall a little more easily to hand.
Then James tried to argue that he had a problem, too.
- Hammond.
- Yes? My heater's stuck in the fully-on position.
That's not the worst problem it could have, really, mate, if I'm honest.
(Whining) (Grinding) (Whining) (Grinding) At the next repair halt, Richard and I decided to show James what a real problem might be like.
Ooh hoo-hoo! - Would you like the mature? - I'm thinking extra mature.
- One of each.
- That's brilliant.
(Laughing) (Richard) That's gonna smell poor.
Cover his vent.
It's actually just a huge cheese-grater, this.
He's coming, he's coming.
Quick.
Quick.
- What? - Hands off car, please.
Sorry.
(Jeremy) Back on the road, our old war horses racked up the miles.
We're coming up now to the Fosse Way.
I can think of few greater pleasures than driving an Alfa Romeo with racing stripes on this road.
Sadly, though, my fun and everyone else's was spoiled a bit because James was in front.
How is Hammond's car still working? This is gonna make it.
You see? Alfas are magic.
They're like wizards.
But then this happened.
Agh! Agh! That's a disaster.
The handle's come off his water-pump.
And then this happened.
Oh what? No, not now! Come on.
Oh, it's on fire.
(Richard) Now, normally on Top Gear, our motto is, "If a friend falls, leave him there.
" But because today we were united against our producers, James came back to rescue me.
Well, that's not right.
(Bang) Hammond.
I have been rescued and I haven't even broken down.
Hello.
Because James's car was in the best nick, he would have to tow Hammond.
Thanks for the tow, mate.
I appreciate it, really I do.
That's quite all right.
- (Bang) - Sorry.
Sorry.
Hammond! Beginning to slow for the roundabout.
Taking up slack.
- 140 yards.
- Got the slack.
Got the slack.
- (Bang) - Ooh! Sorry.
Sorry, sorry.
I Ooh.
Sorry, mate.
I was looking for my headlight switch.
I really don't know where it is.
What? No! Mate! - What's happening? - What? He's broken something, as well.
He left me.
- Would you mind? - I can't.
Listen.
- (Juddering) - Well But - But you can't leave an Alfa behind.
- Ow! So the car that was dead had to be towed by the car that was dying.
- (Whirring) - Oh, listen to that now.
(Richard) That's a weird noise for a car to make.
- That's better.
What have you done? - I've gone into second.
Second's nice.
It's underrated as a gear.
(Jeremy) Oh, my God.
From then on, it was downhill all the way.
Except when we were going uphill.
- Hammond - (Exclaims) it's not going well up the hill.
- (Yells) Here it is, carrying its mate from the battlefield even though one of its legs is shot off.
While Corporal May just abandoned ship.
Happily, though, May was paying the price for his desertion.
(Sniffing) That doesn't smell like the engine.
Looking good.
Stylish.
Fondue? Despite my bearings being shot to bits, we were now near the overnight halt.
- I don't believe it.
I do not believe it.
- My car? That tired old Italian car has towed its broken mate James wasn't very pleased to see us.
- How much damage has he done? - Well, he's knocked the number plate off.
- Well, it's not that bad.
- It's worse than it was - You could buff that out.
this morning.
- Look what it's done to his.
- It's done more to mine.
Actually, you I should be cross at you.
Look what you've done.
- How could I have done that? - Look.
You were behind.
(Jeremy) Sunday.
Concourse day.
And the fields were filling with some of the best drivers' cars ever made.
(PA) the Alfa Romeo concourse All of which were being hoovered and dusted and polished and then hoovered and dusted and polished again.
Meanwhile, a few miles down the road (Crunching) - I'm going for a second.
Are you ready? - Aaaghhhh! Sadly, James is not able to tow Richard this morning.
He's still in a bit of a mood over yesterday.
There was a bigger issue, though, because the rules say all cars must arrive under their own steam.
So, just outside the gates, we pulled over There's every chance.
and Hammond bravely rang for help.
- Come on.
Live.
Live.
Live.
- (Whining) - Oh, that's a pretty car, the old GTV.
- Yeah, that is lovely.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
No, you've just bought a Fiat, mate.
You haven't got the idea Begin! (Whining) - Now! - (Jeremy laughing) (Jeremy) It was hopeless.
So we came up with a plan.
James agreed to tow Richard, and my car would hide the rope.
"And how did the accident happen, Mr.
Clarkson?" At the entrance we had to bunch right up to fool the marshals.
We always travel together, so if you don't mind us sticking together that'd be kind.
Morning.
No, no tow-ropes here.
Nothing to see here.
There are some marshals at the gate.
We need to move past them as if everything is normal.
- Up on the left.
- Up on the I (Bang) - Morning.
- Over on the right, next to the - (Bang) - Sorry.
Sorry.
(Jeremy) Very discreetly Oh we made our way to the judging area and parked amongst our rivals.
- We're competing.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Erm As a man of God you'd take it badly, I'm assuming, if I were to, for instance, key it.
(Richard) Soon the judges descended on our cars.
We've got some serious marking to do.
Would you be able to open the bonnet? - No.
- No.
What I want you to put in your mind - under that bonnet is a burnished specimen of perfection.
- So that's zero.
- Naught.
- Your paintwork - Yes.
Most of it is the same color that it came out the factory.
- It is.
- So I've given it er two points for that.
- Out of? - 15.
Two? No, no, we keep the engine in there.
Anything else you need to check? - Is that it? - Er, boot.
Yes, it's down there.
(Grinding) - Does it clunk when you change gear? - No.
I I did patch this one slightly.
- Well, I didn't.
I had an upholsterer do it.
- Right.
- Do you have the original toolkit? - Yes.
- Can you show it to me? - No.
You can't deduct marks for the cheese.
I didn't put it there.
- You should have cleaned it off.
- So let's call it eight.
Yeah.
- You've written "seven".
- Yeah.
(Jeremy) The judges retired to tot up the scores.
But truth be told, we were already winners.
You see, if we'd been in three normal cars this would have been a drive across the Midlands.
But these three old crocks had turned it into an adventure.
Laughter, mishaps, friendship, memories, thrills.
That is petrol head heaven.
Hammond! And, as we've always maintained, the only way you can get there is in an Alfa Romeo.
(Cheering and applause) - We were right.
- Want one.
Heart says I want one.
Anyway, it is now time to get the scores from the judges.
- James, what did you get? - Out of a possible 150 74.
Now, I got 23 and a half.
Yeah.
Which was the lowest score ever recorded in er concourse history.
Yeah.
Until I came along.
- What did you get? - I got nine.
- Nine? - Nine.
Nine points.
So, here we go.
These are the totals.
James, you are minus 129 and a half.
- Yep.
- 129 and a half.
- Richard, you are minus 169.
- Yes, I am.
And I'm minus 127 and a half! And so, for the first time since the cheap-car challenge about three years ago, I've actually won something! - (Cheering) - Well done.
- And it gets better.
- Why? Because, as a prize, the producers have said you get to keep that 75 and use it as your car for a whole year.
And d'you know something? Honestly, as a car lover I can't think of anything I'd like more.
Er so that's time to end now.
Thank you very much for watching.
See you next week.
Good night.
(Cheering and applause)