Top Gear (2002) s11e04 Episode Script

Bullet Train

(Cheering and applause) Thank you very much.
Hello! Hello and welcome! Thank you.
Now, we start tonight with a question that we've borrowed from Radio 4.
Can a car ever be art? Most experts on the subject say no, but then most experts haven't clapped eyes on Alfa Romeo's latest creation.
It's called the 8C, and I think it's quite simply the best-looking car ever made.
It's not dramatic.
It's not ground-breaking.
From some angles, it's not even desperately pretty.
Mind you, as Francis Bacon once said, there is no beauty that hath not some strangeness about its proportions.
And he's right, whoever he is.
I mean, look at Keira Knightley.
She's just an ironing board with a face.
And she works.
So does this.
With its long nose and short tail, it's as classically correct as a Ferrari Daytona or a Georgian's house.
You probably expect the noise it makes to be classical too, like a cello being played by an angel in a pillow of honey.
Mm, no.
(Engine roars) (Engine roars) Sadly, only 5008Cs have been made so it's very unlikely you'll ever see one.
But if one passes within 20 miles, trust me, you'll hear it.
(Engine roars) Some cars have tuned exhausts.
So the noise they make is as fake as a hooker's smile.
But this sounds real.
This sounds fantastic.
Listen to it on the overrun.
Ho-ho-ho! So it looks gorgeous and it sounds amazing.
And on top of that, it's an Alfa Romeo.
And if I can liken the whole global car industry to the human body, Toyota is is the brain, um Aston Martin is the face, Cadillac is the stomach.
And Alfa Romeo, as we discovered last week, that's the heart and soul.
So, what is it, then, this L110,000 car? Well, at the front, there's a 450 horsepower, The gearbox, in true Alfa tradition, is at the back.
The Ferrari seats are carbon fiber.
Most of the car, in fact, is carbon fiber, so it weighs less than a Mitsubishi Evo.
You might imagine, then, that it's very fast.
They say it'll get from naught to 60 in 4.
2 seconds, and that its top speed is 182.
I think they could have made it faster than that.
But then it would have been faster than a Ferrari, and in Italy that's that's a bit of a social no-no.
It'd be like vomiting on the Pope.
So, what about the handling? It should be good.
Weight distribution is bang on, there's a low center of gravity, it's even got a limited slip diff.
Add all this together and the overall result is terrible.
The steering feels wooden, and the suspension, it feels like it's made from old teabags.
Here comes some sacrilege.
It feels like a Mustang.
There's the flappy paddle gearbox.
I don't really like any of them but this one really is a bit ESN.
You know the worst thing? You're driving along and then your foot gets jammed underneath the brake paddle.
Eurgh! You know what? I don't really care about any of these things, because buying this car for its dynamic abilities is like buying a porn film for its plot.
I don't care, either, that it has a ridiculous boot.
in the wrong place.
I wouldn't care if the seats had spikes in them and the satnav had Tourette's.
A man from the Tate gallery told me the other day that a car can never be art, because for something to be art, it can have no purpose other than itself, no function.
Well, look at this.
It doesn't drive very well.
It's not been built with much care.
And it is hopelessly impractical.
What Alfa has built, then, is not a car.
It's a centerfold.
What Alfa has built is 14 feet of art.
(Applause) Look at it.
Look at that, James.
I have to admit you're right.
It does work better as a poster.
It's a bit like the Lamborghini Countach.
This should be supplied with four pieces of Blu-Tack on it so you can stick it to the wall.
Cos that's where it belongs.
Anyway, we must now find out how fast it goes around our track and that of course means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York, and that he has a full-sized tattoo of his face on his face.
All we know is he's called the Stig.
And he's offl Global warming means it's super wet out there today.
The poster's gonna get very soggy.
Very gingerly into the first corner.
Back end, is that, lurching a wee bit through there? It looks like it is.
But of course the Stig's got it under control nicely.
(Stereo) # I can see Daniel waving goodbye (Jeremy) Stig still loving Daniel.
Surprised the Daily Mail haven't picked up on that.
Very sideways, coming out of Chicago.
Coming up to Hammerhead now.
This could be quite understeery through here in this weather.
No, the Stig has used a hoof-full of throttle to cure that.
Look at that driving.
Impressive stuff.
(Stereo) # God, it looks like Daniel (Jeremy) Right, now the Follow-through.
Let's see how much he can open it up here on this lake where the track used to be.
There's the tires.
Where is he? And opening it up now on the main straight toward the, er Two corners left.
Very twitchy.
Stig earning his raw pork treats today.
He's going through Gambon, all over the shop.
And across the linel Yeah.
Bit of a clue here how how well it did.
If we look here, in similar conditions, the Mercedes SL55 did a 1:33.
2, OK? The Alfa, 1:38.
That's just right down there.
That's one of the slowest cars we've ever we've ever put round there.
But think of it this way.
As posters go, it is quicker than that tennis girl scratching her arse.
Now, as you know, we get quite a few letters of complaint on Top Gear.
And a lot of them are from communists and hippies - Yeah.
so we just ignore them.
Anyway, look.
Last week, OK, we thought nobody would be watching, cos that epic tennis match was on, which - We were all watching.
which we were watching, yeah.
Anyway, it turns out that one person was watching Top Gear and, boy, is he an eagle-eyed chap.
"Eagle-eyed chap" isn't what you called him when his letter arrived, mate.
No, I called him something smaller and fruitier than that.
Nevertheless, he was watching the show and I was driving an Alfa Romeo along the road.
He says, and he hasn't just complained to the BBC, he's complained to the police about this, that I clipped a double white line.
Well, here's the footage.
(Richard) Er yeah.
- Ooh.
- Yeah.
That bloke should have been at Wimbledon, actually, with those sort of crossing-the-white-line-spotting skills.
Anyway, it does appear I'm bang to rights and, er you know, I think apologies where apologies are necessary.
I'm very sorry.
Er I shouldn't have done it.
I'm normally very fastidious about that sort of thing, but there we are.
A mistake.
Good job I'm not a brain surgeon.
- Um now, are there any mothers here? - (Several) Yes.
Yes? Well, Fiat has decided you need patronizing.
So they've come up with a limited-edition version of the Panda.
- We've got a picture of it.
- Why is it for mothers? Because because it's called the Panda Mammy.
They're not joking and they've given it an orange interior and a purple exterior to match your varicose veins.
(Laughter) And a big boot that it's embarrassed about.
Yeah, and its airbags are two feet lower down - (Chortling) than on a normal model.
What are they going to do next? A Fiat recently divorced father? - With a satnav that only goes to the zoo.
- That's quite sad.
That's a good idea, cos I've got a Fiat Panda and I've got a young nephew and a young niece so they could bring out the Panda Unsuitable Uncle, which has just sort of got a very sharp kitchen knife left lying around.
- I went on the internet - Oh, God.
and I found this.
(Laughter) It is just pure pornography.
- Look at it, look at it.
- Yeah, it's filth.
That is a convertible version of the Alfa Romeo - Don't you think that's gorgeous? - Great news.
- What? - The Dacia Sandero.
I've got a new picture.
- (Laughter) - Ooh.
Anyway, I think we've had more signposts sent in this week.
We're having this campaign to get rid of unnecessary signposts at the side of the road.
We had one in Imagine if you're driving along thinking, "These roadworks ahead look complicated.
"I hope they put some signs up to simplify it all for me.
" Well, they have.
There you go, that's made it all Now I know what I'm What is What My particular favorite from the week is this one.
- (Laughter) - (Jeremy) As opposed to - (Richard) What? gradual gunfire.
- Um here's mine.
- (Laughter) Some bloke nailed that to the post, stood back and said, "Yes, I don't see anything wrong with that.
" - It could be in the other direction.
- I see what you mean.
So it's like Yes.
- (Jeremy) That'll fool them.
- (Laughter) Anyway, right, Boris Johnson.
Boris Johnson, as I'm sure you know, has announced this week that the London Congestion Charge will not, as Ken Livingstone suggested, go up to L25 a day, - he's keeping it at L8.
- (Applause) Yes, well, Boris has got a round of applause.
However, in the interests of political balance, um I do have a complaint about Boris, cos he said he was gonna get rid of the bendy buses, didn't he? - Mm-hm.
- Yeah - Well, what's the delay? - Well, hang on, give him a chance.
How long's he been in office? - Two months.
- Exactly.
- Two months? - Yeah.
Time me.
Right, we've got a phone.
Hang on.
Is that Reg Varney? You know those big long buses with elastic in the middle? Get 'em off the road.
Don't send 'em out ever again.
Sell them.
To the Belgians or someone, all right? - Is that two months? - Eight seconds.
Eight seconds.
Come on, Boris.
Hurry up.
That's sorted that one out.
Hey, Audi's bought a photocopier.
- No! - Yes.
No, bear with me.
It's a really good one.
Because what they did was put the Q7, the big thing, huge thing they've got, they've put that through their new photocopier at 75%, and made this, the Q5, which is a whole new Audi.
You see? It's just exactly the same.
But, I mean, it really is.
- Is that a new car? - No.
- Which one's The blue one's the 5? - This one's the new one.
It's about 75% the size of that one.
- Have your mum and dad got a photocopier? - What? Oh.
Yes, and it was stuck at 60%.
- 60? - Yes, all right.
Moving on, thank you.
Now, look, I want to I want to talk about the new Ferrari California.
Here it is.
And that, I think, is the first Ferrari ever with a front-mounted V8.
- You think? - Yeah.
You don't want to say that.
You'll have the Ferrari Owners' Club coming round to your house in their Mondials.
So-called Celebrity So-called May.
"Surely you remember the B3684/B from 1956?" (Richard) They will, mate.
They're an adenoidal bunch of angry young men.
- None of them are - Mostly angry cos they haven't got Ferraris.
- Precisely.
- "I've got a Polo shirt with Ferrari on it.
" Know what I'm gonna say, though? That is the first Ferrari in the company's history with a front-mounted V8.
Brave brave thing to say.
I'm gonna say something else brave now.
Are you ready? - That's not very good-looking.
- (James) You're right.
Do you know something else? There hasn't been a good-looking Ferrari since the 355.
- We all think they're good-looking, cos - Because they're Ferraris.
Exactly, but they're not good-looking enough.
I tell you what it's like.
You know Who's that girl in, um Sex & The City? Sarah Jessica Parker.
She's another one.
"She must be pretty, you know.
" She looks like a boiled horse.
(Laughter) Right, that's the end of the news.
Ooh, wait a minute.
Check my flies.
You know how eagle-eyed our viewers are.
They're not that eagle-eyed.
- What? - Not that eagle-eyed.
Ha-ha! Very witty.
Now, this is a Datsun 120Y, OK? The company that created it has now brought out a follow-up model.
It's not coming to Britain till next year but the follow-up to this, frankly, I couldn't wait, so last month I went all the way to Japan to try it there.
This is what I've come to see, the 193mph Nissan GT-R.
It's a very far cry from the old 120Y.
Its engine, for instance, is made in a hermetically sealed lab to ensure that components don't microscopically expand while it's being assembled.
Its tires are filled with pure nitrogen, because normal air is considered too unstable.
No one has ever made a car this way before.
Plainly, the best way for us to test this incredible car is for one of our Top Gear racers.
But to do that, my colleagues would have had to have come out here as well.
- Hello.
Here's what we've got in store.
- Hello.
A race starting here where we are now on the Western seaboard right across Japan.
That's 400 miles.
To a mountain here.
Er Noko Er there.
- And a statue to the Buddha of road safety.
- Yes.
Anyway, we're gonna be using the most efficient public transport network in the world.
And most of the time we're gonna be on the 200mph Bullet train.
- (Yawns) Very nice.
Bullet train? - Yes.
Mm, great.
And I'm gonna be taking them on in the GT-R.
- Which is a Datsun.
- Yeah, on roads with a 60mph speed limit.
Where there's a policeman every 200 yards.
And you're gonna have to drive through Tokyo, which is the most congested city on earth.
- Honestly, a piece of cake - You've had it.
(Jeremy) And so at precisely eleven minutes past eight in the morning, the race began.
Thank you! Look at them.
They look like ramblers.
(Richard) We now had 25 minutes to get into town, find the station and catch our first train.
Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different forms of transport to go on.
The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.
- Seen these manhole covers? Fantastic.
- No.
A boy from Birmingham and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win.
The end.
Er here we go.
- What? You don't know what that says.
- No, but there's a red dot.
That must mean you are here.
Look, the ice-skating man with the picnic table.
Yeah, but that's a man on skis playing a harp next to it, which probably doesn't mean train station.
I want to adjust the scale on my satnav.
But it's all in Japanese.
I daren't touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be doomed! Konichiwa.
Um the station? - Chukt-ch-ch! Ch-ch, ch-ch! - (Speaks Japanese) The thing is, you see, all Japanese cars - (Bing) - (Woman speaking Japanese) Help! (Richard) To deal with the language problems, we'd all been given speaking translator machines, and at the station, we fired ours up.
What did you ask it? Ticket.
This isn't gonna take long! He knows you want a ticket.
It's a ticket office.
You're not asking for shoes.
(Machine speaks Japanese) So that's wrong.
That was, "Is this seat taken?" How do I go back? I've forgotten.
It can't be difficult.
Now the road has opened up.
Here we go.
Don't try and match the symbols.
I know you are.
OK, I've got a 3.
8 liter, twin-turbocharged V6 engine, which produces Actually, I've no idea how much horsepower, because each one is handmade.
Nissan say it's around 470 brake horsepower.
But an American magazine tested the one they had and it was producing 507 horsepower.
- (Muzak plays) - (Clears throat) Morning.
- It's like being in a black-and-white film.
- Morning.
But the best thing about it is, is that each gearbox is tailored to work with a specific engine.
This one wouldn't work in any other GT-R.
Not even NASA do that with a space shuttle.
We're not just hanging around on this platform, cos there's a line.
You have to walk through the lines on to the train.
What a brilliant-looking train.
(Jeremy) OK, here we go.
The motorway network.
Now we can be a Bullet car! (Richard) The Datsun would cross Japan by motorway, go through the center of Tokyo, under Tokyo Bay, and up a mountain road to the finish line.
We would take four trains and a bus to the bay, cross it on a ferry, and then get to the finish on a cable car.
but we would have no jams or delays.
but for them being late is anything over a minute behind time.
So that's a late train if it's a minute.
But in the UK to be late it's got to be over ten minutes late.
And if trains are late, you get a free rail journey.
So if this is late, we don't pay and we get a little pass that explains to your employer why you're late.
He's had it.
There are a lot of speed cameras on the motorways but they put signs up saying it's in 300 meters, 200 meters, 100 meters, there it is.
The only trouble is, the signs are all in Japanese.
However, I'd come up with a cunning plan.
In Japan, a simple photograph of the number plate isn't enough.
They have to also have a photograph of the face.
They have to know who was driving.
So what I've done is I've made this.
It's a Bill Oddie face mask.
So, he's going to be sitting in a badger hole somewhere and he's going to be collecting points in Japan on his license.
(Rings) - Hammond.
- Yes.
(Jeremy) Was your train late? Nol Nothing's late.
They're to the second on time.
You've had it.
We're on our way.
(Man speaking Japanese) - There's a man.
- We're being shouted at.
Hang on, mate.
There's a man shouting at me.
What? - (Speaks Japanese) - All right, mate.
I've got to go.
I like it when there's an emergency like that in his voice.
Got to go, got to go! It means something's gone wrong in his world.
I think it might be rude to use the telephone in the train.
(Jeremy) Unable to talk to my rivals, I started to fiddle with the GT-R's buttons.
All the graphics on this system were done by the same company that does the graphics for the Gran Turismo PlayStation game.
This is amazing.
Engine oil temperature, water temperature, engine oil pressure.
Boost! And that one gives me my acceleration and braking in G.
Steering G.
There it is.
Um (Machine speaks Japanese) (Speaking Japanese) - I can't understand the answer.
- Exactly, it's pointless.
That's the problem.
That, um Two fried eggs? That's not what I want.
If I do that Ooh, yeah, that was Yes, sorry, Officer, I was trying to get half a G while changing lane.
Speed camera coming up! There we are.
As James and Richard trundled towards Kyoto, I was hurtling up the west coast of Japan.
That's def I'm definitely in Switzerland.
I've gone wrong.
Somehow I've gone through North Korea, Russia, Poland, Germany, and I'm in Switzer How have I done that? The mountains were staggering but, sadly, I couldn't look because the Japanese had tunneled through every single one of them.
I'm out of the tunnel.
I can come Sunlight! It's gone again.
(Richard) Two hours into the race and our train, bang on time, was already two thirds of the way to Kyoto.
For Jeremy, however, things weren't going so smoothly.
- Hello? - (Jeremy) 0h, get out of the way, manl Come on! - Um - Come on! What are you doing? - So you're in a traffic jam? - (Beeping) - Hammond! There's a man going at 9mph - Hello? It's no wonder China's going to overtake you as the dominant industrial power if you drive at that speed.
- (Beeping) - Hello? Don't tell me.
It's the biggest drama ever to befall a car journey.
It actually is, yes.
(Jeremy) Predicting the traffic would wind me up, the Top Gear office had provided me with a calming New Age CD.
The Hundred Best Whale Songs.
(Whales mooing) (Mooing) No! No, no, no, no.
- (Whale music playing) - Not roadworks.
Besides the whale music, the office had also given me a packed lunch.
(Whale music playing) Mm.
These are crabs.
See that? Real little crab.
- (Whales rumbling and grunting) - Shell, legs.
(James) Meanwhile we had arrived at Kyoto Station, where we'd switched to the Bullet train.
- (Female announcer speaks Japanese) - Er (Both) Let's follow everybody else.
We have got to get a bit of a move on cos it's ten past eleven and our train goes at 11:32.
(James) Getting a move on, though, wasn't easy.
There's the ticket machine.
Tickets, tickets.
- That's it, that's it.
- That's it.
- Oh.
- Right.
Now what? There's millions of them! - I don't know.
- I don't know either.
I don't know what any of this means.
- This - (Whale music plays) See the little Indian fellow on the top? This is lemonade curry flavor.
(James) Eventually we had our tickets.
(Speaks Japanese) And then Richard announced that he was hungry.
I don't like any of that.
Won't like those.
Certainly won't like that.
That is just a fish lightly killed and then put in a bag.
The marvelous thing is, is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38.
(West Midlands accent) I don't like cheese, it's full of bacteria.
And I don't like fish.
- Mate, it's all fish.
- Yeah, it's good for you.
I don't like fish.
Well, you've come to the wrong country.
Speed camera.
- Is that it? - Yeah.
- Is it supposed to look like that? - They call it the duck-billed platypus.
They're not joking, are they? And that is 11:32 on the dot.
- (Bing) - (Female Japanese voice) Hello, Jezzer.
We've just boarded the Bullet train in, er Kyoto.
(Jeremy) I still had all of Japan to cross in a car which is limited by Japanese law to 112 miles an hour.
They, meanwhile, were now steaming towards Tokyo at 200 miles an hour.
I don't care how clever his Datsun is.
We're going faster.
The average delay on the Tokaido Shinkansen two years ago That's the one we're on.
Six seconds.
- Six seconds? - They're electric, obviously, the trains.
But they actually have a motor in every single carriage rather than just power cars, to keep the weight distribution even, cos that reduces wear on the rails.
- OK, there are three names of Bullet trains - I think that's enough facts now.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! - OK.
- Premium.
All the way up.
As quickly as possible.
Bzz! (Shouts in Japanese) I have seen X Factor winners less cheerful than all petrol pump attendants are in Japan.
- (Speaks Japanese) - Look at this.
- Hai.
- Brrr! How frightening's that? He can spot your beaver from about a mile away.
Good grief.
- Show the viewers.
- Look, that's where we got on.
- Kyoto.
- And we've been on for what? A minute.
And we're there.
And we're going on to west Tokyo there.
So we've gone there to there in no time at all.
(Jeremy) While the girl gave my GT-R a thousand-smile service I went to buy some more dead fish.
(Machine speaks Japanese) HIV what? I was loving Japan.
I was loving the race.
But, weirdly, I was struggling to love the GT-R.
It's not the gizmos that I find depressing, like I do in a Ferrari.
They're wrong in a Ferrari.
But this is a Nissan.
You expect it to have your sensors and G sensors.
It's Japanese.
That's right.
I just wish that at road speeds it would occasionally put its hand down the front of my trousers and have a little rummage.
It's almost like it finds a dual carriageway in Japan just a bit sort of easy.
Nevertheless, it was still a car, which means it would easily beat those two on their Victorian relic.
Come on, car.
I need about five per cent of your potential to beat these idiots.
And, boy, did the car respond.
(Ringing) - (Beeps) - Hello? - Hello? - Mate, can you hear me? I'm in Tokyo.
- No, you're not.
- 0h, yes, I am.
- Don't believe you.
- Well, unfortunately, mate, I am in Tokyo.
- How the hell have you done that? - I'm driving a product of the 21st century.
- Not something from the Middle Ages.
- (Beep) He got cut off.
They will be so depressed by that.
It's the Bullet train, cos, honest to God, they have been so cocky and confident that this time they were gonna win, and they're not.
(James) We were down but not out.
Because we knew he was heading straight into the jaws of Tokyo's legendary traffic jams.
(Richard) So it's time taken in Tokyo now.
(James) Yes.
Tokyo is where the battle will be won, or lost.
(Applause) Brilliant.
Really struggling to like that car.
I don't like the way it looks, and on the dual carriageway, it's a bit like I don't know, it's a bit like a digital camera.
You know, it's very clever, but - It's got no soul.
- It's got no excitement.
Anyway, look, we do have a full track test of this later in the series and we'll be picking the film up later on but now it's time to put some stars in our reasonably priced car.
Here's the thing, OK? A lot of people say that female newsreaders are only chosen for the way they look, but plainly that isn't true, cos my guests tonight, right pair of mingers.
Ladies and gentlemen, Fiona Bruce and Kate Silverton! Hello! Hello there.
How are you? - Good.
- Not at all mingalous.
- Hello.
- Hello, Kate.
Are you well? - Very well, thank you.
- Have a seat.
- I was looking forward to today.
- So were we.
- Were you? - Yeah.
- You, of course, appeared on Top Gear before.
- Yes.
You pushed me out of a lift.
Do you remember? Yes, and then you said something and I had no idea you were saying it.
Do you know, a lot of people thought I said you had a nice bottom.
- Hang on, are you saying you didn't? - (Jeremy) I didn't.
I said, "That Oxford-educated newsreader's wearing cotton.
" Jeremy.
Stand up.
Let's have a look at your backside.
- OK, everybody, what do we think? - It's got a thing in it.
- (Wolf-whistle) - Needs a bit of work.
What, am I being smacked by a It's like being Max Mosley.
- (Laughter) - Now, I've been hearing from the Stig.
He says that you are one of the most talented people we've ever had round the track.
- You're looking at me? - Seriously, yes.
Yes, you.
And you're one of the most stubborn.
- I don't like being told what to do.
- No, he said that.
He said when he said turn left and you turned right and said, "It's the same thing" - Yeah.
on a track it sort of isn't.
- But he kept bossing me around.
I hate that.
- I liked it.
- (Laughter) - So you had fun.
Cos the only job I can think of that is more fun than this one is reading the news.
- Really? - It'd be fantastic.
I'd love to read the news.
Do you think anyone would believe you? That's the thing.
- (Laughter) - Would you be allowed to? More to the point.
It'd be great, cos you sit in the studio, warm, read stuff out, lesbians come.
- Do you remember that? - Yes.
The lesbians came and they chained themselves to the desk.
We've been waiting for six years for lesbians to come and chain themselves to things.
- Is that your dream? - Oh, I'd love it.
I don't know if you were there.
One guy came in.
He was so cross about something, probably about the way we were presenting, that he broke into the BBC, and got one of the printers and hurled it through a glass partition, as he tried to make his way into the gallery.
Or your co-presenter lets your chair down mid-link.
That happens to me a lot.
You couldn't do that with Richard Hammond.
He'd disappear out of view completely.
Now, you wanted to be a journalist, didn't you, from a young age? - Yeah.
- Cos your heroes were Oh, well, I've always been a bit adventurous so Ranulph Fiennes was a big hero of mine then I saw the film Under Fire, about Nicaragua, and I thought being a war correspondent would be the thing to do, and, yeah, I I kind of got slightly satiated when I went to Iraq last year.
- You got shot at? - Got mortared and dived for cover on air.
Typical BBC.
It cut.
There's me in the middle of the screen with my two soldiers that I was interviewing.
Mortars started dropping.
The soldiers yelled, "Mortar!" Sophie Raworth's on the other line going, "What are you doing?" We're still live.
She comes back into vision, says, "We'll be back with Kate as soon as we can.
" You're about to go off and do the Antiques Roadshow.
I'm quite angry about that.
It's the job I most wanted to have.
- Is it? - Oh, Antiques Roadshow? It is a fantastic job.
But why would you want to do it? I love all the detail, and that getting in there with, "You can tell it wasn't made in 1643 in Stoke, because" And the best thing, the absolute best thing is when they come along, "How much do you think it's worth?" "L200.
" "No, I'm afraid it's worthless.
" - (Laughter) - Oh, no.
Then they say, "Well, if you'd kept it in the original box" - That's - "it would have been worth L10,000, but" My favorite one I ever saw on the Antiques Roadshow was, some woman brought along this bowl with a lid on it.
She'd Sellotaped the lid down so it was all yellow.
They said, "If that had been in its original condition, it would have been worth L1,000 "but because of something you've done, it's worth about thruppence ha'penny.
" - I laughed like a drain for weeks.
- (Laughter) Now, I want to talk about cars, if I may.
Um Kate.
Early cars.
Anything good? Anything embarrassing? I had a lovely early car.
I inherited it from my sister.
She paid L75 for it.
- I bet it wasn't lovely.
- It was it was a Citroën Dyane.
- Red - I was right.
She painted black dots all over it so it was a ladybird.
Then I put stickers all over it.
- To hold it together? - Yeah.
I loved it.
There was so little that could go wrong with it.
- You could mend it with an elastic band.
- Can you mend cars? Yeah, my dad was a London cabbie, and insisted that, having three girls, he wasn't going to have girly girls.
At least not with me.
So I'd be changing tires in the middle of the forest if we broke down.
Why were you in the middle of a forest? Oh, that was always my route home from the pub with all my friends in the car.
- Epping Forest, cos you're an Essex girl.
- Epping Forest.
Yeah, I am.
- Yeah, it's OK.
- (Laughter) - And your cars? - I've got a Citroën.
- Which one? - C4 Picasso.
- You didn't buy a Picasso? - It's really good.
I love it.
You don't have to switch the headlights on.
It does it for you.
You don't even have to put the handbrake on.
It does it for you.
Totally my type of driving.
It's a hateful car.
- It's not, it's brilliant.
- It's not.
I can't believe how rude you are about my car.
He's so rude.
- Isn't he rude? - (Several) Yeah.
Is the Picasso terrible? (Many) Yeah.
Come on! - OK, now we must get on to your laps.
- Oh, God.
- The weather wasn't good, it was extremely - Aquaplaned around, actually.
- The Stig was nice, was he? - (Both) Very nice.
He genuinely is impressed with Cos I think the Follow-through He says you did it flat out in fourth gear.
Did you do - What do you mean, the Follow-through? - The one It's very fast.
It's what you do if you go through flat out in fourth gear in the pouring rain.
I think he must have been kidding, but I thought "If the Stig says" - He said, "Go flat out.
I want you in fourth.
" - He was kidding.
When I came out, I said, "I did it!" He went, "You're kidding.
" No, he wanted to give you the kiss of life if something went wrong.
Now, I have no idea whose lap is, er whose lap is lined up to go first of all.
- OK.
- Shall we have a look? - Do we have to? - Let's play the tapes.
(Jeremy) Who's that in there? - I think it's you, Kate.
- Is it? - (Bleep) - (Jeremy) No, it isn't.
That was first gear! Now I'm in fifth! Oh, my God, that was hopeless.
That was Well, we got the gears all sorted out.
Here we are, first corner.
That's lovely.
- Smooth steering.
- No, it's getting wide.
Whoo! (Jeremy) All right.
This is so much more fun than the school run.
(Jeremy) It is.
That's (Fiona) It looks so slow.
(Jeremy) No, I know, but trust me, it isn't.
- (Jeremy) That's very tidy.
- God, I need a boat, not a car.
Coming up to the Hammerhead.
Are we going outside the line? You want to watch this.
Eagle-eyed viewers will report you for crossing the white line there.
- Fourth gear.
- Right, fourth gear.
Don't brake it to the corner.
Just go for it! You did it as welll - That's the Follow-through.
- (Fiona) I did that in fourth gear.
- Flat out? - Yeah.
I'm startled.
And that's a beautiful line through there.
You're being modest.
- That's on the grass.
- (Bleep) That's on the grass.
Oh, God.
Here we go into the last corner.
And that into Gambon.
That's brilliant.
- That's fantastic.
- (Applause) What are you on about? That's very good.
I never even changed the gears properly.
- No, but - That looked really fast.
- That was fast.
Shall we look at Kate's now? - Yes.
- Yes, OK, play the tape.
- Oh, God.
(Fiona) 0oh, look at thatl - (Jeremy) Yes.
- My God.
I can't believe I'm officially in charge of a car on my own.
(Jeremy) Really? (Kate) Like this.
(Jeremy) That's an alarming thing to say.
Into the first corner.
Wee, whew, wow! (Jeremy) Like a mousel - Come on.
- Foot is right down.
(Beep) (Kate) Sorry.
(Jeremy) I don't know what to say.
I don't know why I'm apologizing to you.
But I'm a newsreader.
I shouldn't be swearing.
(Jeremy) No.
Save it for when Gordon Brown comes on the telly next time.
Right, here we go through the - That's very smooth.
- (Fiona) Very good, Kate.
- (Jeremy) Slightly less exuberance.
- Just for you, Stig, I'm gonna go in fourth.
Flat out round the corner.
(Jeremy) This is very brave, what's happening here.
- Ohh! - (Audience laughing) Oh! Oh, I'm enjoying this.
Yeah, you don't say! (Jeremy) That was smooth through there.
(Fiona) That's good.
- (Jeremy) Cutting the corner nicely.
- (Tires squeal) Tire squeal in that water? I (Applause) Right.
- So, Fiona, I've got yours here.
- OK.
- Where do you reckon? - The bottom.
(Jeremy) No, you're not.
You did it in one minute Which means you're not at the bottom.
- Oh, God, yes, good.
- 57.
And that is hugely quick out there.
- Wow.
- 57.
I reckon we could probably take seven or eight seconds off that because of that.
Bung it up, then, go on.
I can't bung it up.
That's the time you did it in, unfortunately.
- Now, Kate.
- I think I'm bottom, then.
- No, you were definitely faster than me.
- You reckon? - Yeah, without a shadow of a doubt.
- No, it's bottom.
- One minute So not bottom.
- OK.
50 - Yeah.
- Whoa! Fantastic! - That is seriously quick.
If you take seven or eight seconds off that, you'd be up with the Trevor Eves and the Gordon Ramsays.
- Oh, yeah.
- Stig was impressed.
You should stick it up, then, definitely.
- (Laughter) - In a manner of speaking.
And on that bombshell, it's probably time to end.
- Thank you very much, guys.
- Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, Fiona Bruce and Kate Silverton.
Right, tonight we're having a race across Japan.
It's between Jeremy in the new GT-R, which is billed as a sort of spaceship but which we think is just a Datsun, and us on brilliant Japanese public transport.
Yes, and it is just across Japan from here, across Tokyo, across Tokyo Bay, and then up a mountain to the finish line, where there's a Buddha to road safety.
Now when we'd left the action, Jeremy had just entered Tokyo, which is the most jammed-up city in the world.
And we were on the brilliant Bullet train doing 200 miles an hour here.
(Jeremy) So the car was ahead.
But to maintain that lead, I was going to be relying heavily on my Japanese girlfriend, Amy.
(Bing) (Woman speaking Japanese) The trouble with Tokyo is it is about 50 miles from one side to the other.
- (Bing) - (Woman speaking Japanese) (Jeremy) I was braced for the Tuesday afternoon traffic that lay ahead.
If it was really bad, all of Bill 0ddie's speeding tickets would have been for nothing.
- I thought we'd still be about here.
- We're still here? (Richard) We were now arriving at Shin-Yokohama Station on the edge of Tokyo, and the next part of the journey for us was critical.
Jeremy could plow straight through the middle of the city to get to the bay.
But we had to catch two more trains and a bus to reach the ferry terminal.
We couldn't afford a single slip.
Don't suppose you have a subway.
- Right fork, yes.
- (Bing) (Japanese woman speaking) (Jeremy) Amy and I were now in the middle of Tokyo, and, despite James's claims that we'd be stuck in traffic for a week, the simple fact is this, there wasn't any.
(Mimics James) It's the worst traffic in the world.
You won't be moving.
(Normal) Look at it! (Richard) We had less than ten minutes to catch our next connection.
- That's the subway.
- Subway.
Tokyo's not a city, it's a race track.
- (Beeping) - Oh, that's no good.
- Do we have to have another ticket? - I don't know.
Er do we ask? Where do we get off? Honestly, I didn't think I was gonna do this one.
I didn't think I was gonna win it.
- That's the fare.
It gets bigger as you go on.
- Well, how much do we need? Bullet train.
Pah! Right, I think it was this way.
Right, go.
Go, go, go! (Richard) We were in such a rush, we boarded the tube train not knowing if it was going in the right direction.
This is the Yokohama city subway - but I don't see Yokohama.
- Oh, no way.
Yokohama number 20.
It's four stops.
(Richard) So if this flashes 23 now, that's the next stop, we're going in the right direction.
- If it says 25, we've got to jump off.
- (James) Exactly.
(Both) Yes! I didn't panic.
(Chuckles) This is what comes of not having a congestion charge.
(Richard) We were now at yet another station, looking for the train to Kurihama.
- Kurihama? - Kurihama? Kurihama? I was so confident that when I did occasionally get stuck at the lights, I broke out some of the Japanese toys the office had provided.
(Guitar chords) It's an air guitar.
- (Phone rings) - (Guitar chords) It's May or Hammond.
Hello? - Jeremy.
- Hammond, how are you? - I'm very well.
How are you doing? - I am in Tokyo and I'm going brilliantly well.
I shall look on my satnav.
(Richard) How fast are you going? - Oh, my God.
- (Richard) What? I've just turned the sat I've turned the satnav off.
- Why did you do that? - I just wanted to look where I was.
Cos it comes up on the phone thing when you're on.
I can tell you exactly where you are now you've turned your satnav off.
(Jeremy) With all the satnav's controls in Japanese, I had no clue how to get it back on again.
Oh, this is just I'm gonna have to (Richard) This was a good moment.
We had successfully caught the last of our four trains, and would be at the finish line in two hours.
Meanwhile Jeremy, for the first time, was in trouble.
Right, there's a plane coming in to land there.
That must mean Narita Airport's over there.
(Machine speaks Japanese) I just asked for the wine list.
That's not right.
Amazingly, I found a policeman who spoke English.
Sort of.
This Yes, this tunnel.
This road will turn er one, two, three, four signals.
So four signals? - Four maybe.
- Maybe? (Richard) As our train waited in a station, I went to try my luck - with one of the on-board drinks machines.
- (Phone ringing) Then James rang.
Hello? Yeah, I will do.
I haven't found a vending machine yet.
But as soon as I find one, I will.
Yeah, but we're not moving.
Well, not now we're not.
What d'you mean, we are? No, we're not What? Mate, I'm not on the How can I not Gear position.
- (Phone rings) - Hello? - James? - No, it's not James, it's me.
What why would James be ringing you up? (Sighs) Because there's Something peculiar has happened.
We're not on the same train.
- What? - Hello? We're not on the same train.
It the train stopped in a station.
I was walking along it to try and find some drinks from a machine.
And then James had moved off.
He was in the front of the train.
It split.
So he's going somewhere, I don't know where yet.
I stopped in the station, then I got off my train to see what had happened, and then my train left.
So if that was the right train, I'm not on it.
If it wasn't the right train Well, I One of us is on the right train, one of us isn't.
All right, well, if it's any consolation, mate, I've just arrived at a dead end.
I've got to ring James.
I've got to ring James, I'm sorry.
I might just go for a cup of coffee on this basis.
(Laughs) (James) I was now all alone with just a Blair Witch handicam.
Hello, viewers.
Jezzer has obviously spoken to Hammond, because Jezzer has just rung me up to gloat.
Um Kurihama? - Kurihama? - Yeah.
OK, come down.
(Richard) Stomu Yamashta got me on the right train, and I called James.
But my train was 15 minutes behind James's so I'd have less than two minutes to catch the bus.
You're gonna have to hold it.
Just run like run like hell for the bus, cos if you miss the bus, we're stuffed.
- (Woman speaking Japanese) - Amy's back! Amy's back! Amy's back on my screen! I pushed everything! She's back! And not before time.
Being lost had cost me 45 minutes.
The lead I'd built up had been wiped out.
Show me some of your muscles, car! Show me your muscles! (Machine speaking Japanese) That says, do you know my friend.
I mean, can you wait, please.
(Richard) I was now off the train and hoping to God James had held the bus.
There should be buses.
There's no buses.
Just (Jeremy) I was now heading for the tunnel under the bay in a big hurry.
And for the first time, the GT-R was starting to come alive.
You see, it's when you put your foot down like that, you just get the vaguest whiff that this car can go round the Nürburgring in 7 minutes 29 seconds.
That's faster than a McLaren Mercedes.
It's faster than a 911 Turbo.
- (Phone rings) - Hello? May? I'm with my old mate Richard Hammond.
Oh, great.
Mate, they're getting cross cos you're using your mobile.
- Hello? - We're in trouble for phoning on the bus.
- He wants to talk to you now.
- Oh.
(Jeremy) Do you know what time you're actually getting on that ferry? at about 22 minutes past.
(Richard) All of us were now minutes from the bay.
- (Bell) - Is that bell bad? This is really close now.
(Richard) Still in the bosom of Japanese public transport, we knew for sure we'd arrive at the finish line in 55 minutes.
All we could do was hope Jeremy's life would be less predictable.
- It depends on the terrain.
- How busy it is.
Whether it's small roads or it's busy.
Whether there's a speed limit.
Whether he gets lost.
(Jeremy) Small roads? No.
Not really.
As the immense bridge ended, I knew it would all be down to the final charge up the mountain.
Frankly, what I'm gonna need to win this now is a divine wind, and I've got just the thing.
I'm ready! Here we go! (Jeremy) I knew they'd be at the finish line at 4:25 precisely.
Arrival time 4:31.
That's six minutes after them.
Put the speed box in "race".
That speeds up the change time.
I'm gonna put the suspension in "race".
That firms it right up.
Then I'm gonna put the traction control in "race".
That lets me have some slip.
(James) Bang on time, the ferry docked a full mile from the cable car but we had no intention of walking.
I've no time to slow down for these barriers.
Oh! - (Binging) - Bloody hell.
You could win Wimbledon with barriers like that on the end of your arm.
Ahead of me laid the mountain road.
GT-R country.
Thank God.
Just now it's all coming together.
It's all just becoming a GT-R.
- (Rings) - (Jeremy) Hello? - (Richard) Jeremy.
- Yeah, where are you? We are disembarking now.
This is so damn close.
(Richard) I can't work it out but he is he is very close.
I've now got it down to 4:27.
- Ready? - Yes.
- Let's do it.
- Right.
- Ooh! - Oh! Ah! This is the clash of the titans now, it's going down to the wire again.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
I wish you could feel my heart rate now.
I really wish you could feel what's going on here.
Come on! That's it.
Come on.
Thank you.
Come on, come on, come on, baby.
(Jeremy) I was now giving it everything.
So at the top here there is a Buddha to road safety.
Wouldn't it be brilliant if we got there and Jeremy's GT-R was buried in the middle of it? What's this? I'm here.
Oh, dear.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
This way.
Finally, I made it to the Buddha's car park.
Victory is mine! But that wasn't the finishing line.
Go where? Where? (Panting) Run.
Come on, go! Just leave it! That's not a temple.
(Jeremy) We were now converging on the Buddha up two different paths.
Are you sure we haven't overshot it? Come on! No! (Panting) (Panting) Please, God, don't let them be here.
(Panting) They aren't here.
A car just beat the Bullet train.
(Laughing) - That's Buddha! The Buddha of road safety.
- And then within the ninth and the tenth century - Oh, God.
this wall was 12th century.
Um so you remember from the lecture I was giving you Hi, guys! Just interesting how this is a different century to that.
- We've been learning.
We've had a lecture.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You ran up there as well? - Oh, yeah.
- Congratulations.
- How long have you been here? Really not long.
Genuinely? Honestly? Three minutes, twelve seconds.
- That is so close.
- Thanks, Buddha.
You looked after him.
- Disappointed.
- Wait for it.
- (Machine speaks Japanese) - Which is? That's the Japanese for "Oh, cock".
(Cheering and applause) We do arrange those races so that we know they're gonna be close, but even so That really was.
That was astonishing.
Anyway, there's not much else to say, really, now, except thank you, Tokyo, thank you for being empty, and thank you very much for watching.
We'll see you next week.
Take care.
Good night.
Good night.
(Cheering and applause)