Top Gear (2002) s13e06 Episode Script

Budget Auction

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thank you,thank you Now as we kown the real world where we all live if full of dreary cars, like the Renault Scenic and the Toyotawhatever this is.
Which is why, in the fantasy world that is Top Gear, we prefer to feature things that are a bit more exciting, a bit more dinosaurish.
Our track .
it's the natural home of the quad cam 84 litre carnivore.
From the massive Murcielago to the agile Ariel Raptor we have them all.
We even have a keeper capable of taming them.
The Top Gear test track? It's Jurassic Park! This week, though, there are no T Rexes.
There are no raptors.
There are none of thosePssp! .
spitty things.
This week, Top Gear has gone all Springwatch.
This is the new BMW Z4.
It's not mid-engined.
It isn't a fire-breathing monster that runs on brimstone and baby owls.
It's just a common-or-garden sports car.
I didn't like the old Z4.
I though it was too ugly and mostly driven by people who spent their evenings wife swapping.
Do you know why I thought that It just whenever I thought that someone with Z4, I thought those car keys I bet them spend less time in the ignition and they doing a pot round at Muriel's house.
Given the choice, I would have bought a Mercedes SLK instead.
In fact,I did.
This, however, is the new Z4.
While it may not be much of a looker with the new aluminium roof up It is fantastic with it down it is sort of Uma Thurman-ish Perfect,But you Can't really explain why.
It's the same story with the interior It's very different to any other car and that's good but so's this! That long, priapic bonnet houses a 3-litre engine which is boosted by two turbo chargers.
Actually it doesn't feel like a pair of turbos.
It feels like a pair of testes.
Big, meaty ones! Obviously it's not a raptor but since I'm now doing 140 mph it's not a cow either.
The best thing about this car, though, is how it feels to drive.
The old Z4 was too hard.
Getting in to it after a hard day at work was like getting home and flopping down on a sofa made out of Chuck Norris.
This one, though, they've done what Lotus did with the Evora and Jaguar with the XF - they've softened it down.
It's nice! Don't think however it's become a hopeless wallowing herbivore.
That intrinsic BMW-ness is still there.
It's got that wonderful sense that when you turn into a corner, that the whole car is pivoting around your hips.
Who'd have thought I'd come right down the food chain this week? I'm in Kate Humble's hedge And I'm loving it! Today, I'd buy a Z4 over a Mercedes SLK in a heartbeat.
In fact, I'd rather have one of these than almost any of the Top Gear dinosaurs.
It is THAT GOOD! 'Before we move on though, there is another new car 'in the Springwatch section of Top Gear's wildlife park.
' (Look! Look! There it is.
(That is a brown Datsun.
(I realise, of course, that you might think (that here in the whole world of pterodactyls and peacocks (it's a bit of a hen but you should see what it can do.
) I'm hanging its tail out.
I'm revellingin the short wheelbase, the taut rear drive chassis.
I'm on the straight and I'm UNLEASHING 326 horsepower! Eat my exhaust fumes dinosaur! This is the new Nissan 370Z GT a shortened, more powerful version of the old 350.
Prices start at 27,000 and that makes it very cheap especially when you look at all the equipment it has.
So, In the 4th Gear, Yes, wanna change to The 2nd You hear that, it revs the engine, SO the Right speed match the revs Make the change smoother.
That's very simple and very clever.
- I like that.
as a heart starter, this thing eats the BMW for breakfast.
It's got 26 more horsepowers for a kickoff.
It's a lot more exciting as well somehow.
And even this GT version, with leather seats and the rev-o-matic gearbox, is five-and-a-bit thousand pounds cheaper.
THIS is a RACING hen! There is just one problem with it however.
It's very nasty.
It's fine here on the track but on the road, it's so hard and harsh.
It's also very noise And it's not a nice noise, either.
I would rather listen to my own firing squad.
The worst thing about this car though, is that if you had one, you'd never get invited to a wife-swapping party.
People would think you're a bit Oddy.
but, this, I love it honestly, if somebody says to me you have to have to one of these for the rest of your life," I Would be delighted.
Yes, It's great,I Like It's brilliant car however we must now find out how fast this, and indeed the hen go round our track, which of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous .
and that recently pigs in Mexico have started to die of something called "Stig flu".
All we know is he's highly contagious.
And they're off! I have to say, these cars aren't really comparable.
The Nissan is loud and aggressive, the BMW more day-to-day but they both look tidy through the first corner there.
Yep, no problems at all.
Oh, dear, it sounds like two sets of bagpipe music there.
Hard to tell really with bagpipes.
Anyway we're round Chicago nicely.
Coming up to Hammerhead.
Looks the BMW might be having a bit- of understeer there.
Yes, it is! But at least he's OK with the gear change cos the Stig's in the automatic which BMW say is actually faster.
So It's the Datsun got there, Follow-Through.
My word! Now the BMW's got an oversteer! I've never seen that there before! The Nissan has no problem at all.
Two corners left.
The BMW kicking out its tail again! The Nissan rather boring in comparison.
But Yes, now look at it! It's showboating! And there they go! Across the line! Mmm? Nowhere we have the Nissan,- look.
The Nissan did it in 1 minute 27.
5 and the BMW So that goes there.
So what we're saying here, really, is, er, buy the BMW because it's slower, less exciting, more expensive and less well-equipped.
And now the news.
And the big news this week - the government wants to put up signs on the motorway telling drivers to pull over at the next junction, get out and swap their car for publictransport which is kind of puzzling.
cos why would you, when you're in the car already,- would you just stop and then get on a train? I don't know.
It's like going to the cinema and a sign says, " "Have you thought about reading a book?" Yes! It's too late.
I'm in the cinema! What are the signs going to say? "Don't need to be on time or near where you actully want to go? "The railway station is next left.
"- "Something missing from your daily commute?" Yes, a foul smell from a stranger sitting next to me.
Is that what they intend for us to do? I tell you what.
You know the Government announced earlier this week that 60,000 people are going to be laid waste by swine flu? What they ought to be telling us is under no circumstances use public transport.
That's the point.
You're right.
The funny thing is swine flu is getting a bad press.
Well Have you noticed? You see? It is.
They're saying it's bad for the economy because no-one will buy anything and there'll be a lot of absenteeism but look at it this way, parking spaces for the rest of us will be easy to find.
That's a good point.
Now, you know I've been saying for years, and years that Porsches are getting uglier - Cayman, Cayenne, "coxter" and that thing you were driving the other day, the Panamera? Yeah.
I've I've worked out why they're now so ugly.
OK? I've got a photograph of the managing director of Lamborghini.
What do you think of him? He looks like a male model.
Look it is.
He's absolutely magnificent to behold.
I've got a photograph also of the managing director of Ferrari.
more than that He runs Fiat.
Look at that.
Dashing and glamorous.
I've also got a photograph of the man who runs Porsche.
Here he is.
If he likes that moustache, which he does cos he's grown it on his own face, that would explain why he looked at the Panamera and went, "Yes! That's a good-looking car.
We should make that.
" On a sort of serious motoring note, it is rumoured, this is business, that VW might buy Porsche.
That bodes well cos VW can make a good-looking car - a good-looking sports car.
In fact, remarkably, there's one in the studio! It's over there.
It's the VW BlueSport.
Now that's mid-engined.
It's got a two-litre diesel engine in it to start.
They'll put petrol in later.
There's a 60% chance they'll make it about two years.
It's worth having a look at.
"The great thing about that It's not very practical.
"It's got a diesel engine,"you know all of these but it's incredibly beautiful and, as a result, I would like to buy one.
Nowthere's a new Range Rover.
We had it in the studio last week, OK? It's got a new bumper and a new engine.
That's not important.
what is important, OK?- is it's got cameras in its head lamps.
looking forward One on the back looking backwards And two on either side looking down.
yes, these are so when you're off-roading you can see like tree stumps and bears that might be in your way That's right,These You feed the picture to your screen.
Ok, your SAT screen, But it doesn't turn off when you're going along on the road.
and you've got all different cameras on there yes , it's honestly, you are sitting there.
You've got five different feeds coming in but you can choose which one you want.
which like you're being sport director in Wimbledon, wow, choosing which one you want, yes, you think coming up to crest of the hill, that one, yeah, nice, then reverse and you get the back view on, put you foot on, you got exhaust look, it fantistic.
Isn't it a bit distractive? Oh god, it's unbelievable You're not allowed to talk on a mobile phone these days but now you can direct Ben Hur while you're going along the road it's justI haven't even got to the best bit because got into London that other day, go on Holland Park a very pretty girl in the car behind.
yeah very pretty Switched to rear camera .
and then I found you can zoom in on parts of the girl in the car behind! So it's got lech-o-matic? And the traffic lights goes like RED,GREEN,RED,GREEN and I went like It was just FANTASTIC! Last week, a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming.
Last time this happened, the Morris Marina Owners Club, which is like the provisional wing of the Morris men, were absolutely furious.
They went berserk.
There's been a lot of internet activity on the Morris chatroom.
"I'm going to send an email to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it!" Now that's what they said last time, OK? This time it's getting worse.
They said they'd get physical.
I'm quoting now.
One of them says, and I'm not making this up, "If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him.
" What?! They'll poo into their own hand?! What a stupid way of getting someone.
It's like an assassin lining up on the target and shooting them through his own head! It's revolting.
The thing is, last week when we were making the film you probably saw out in France, there was doubt as to who actually owned the car that you ended up driving.
Was it the wife of the president of- the Morris Marina Owners Club or was the wife of the President of France who is of course it's Carla Bruni? That was cleared up this week because Carla Bruni went to Nelson Mandela's birthday party in New York Where she sang a song which clears everything up Now we know.
You're history.
Now, we are constantly being told, mostly by people who wear slacks, that classic cars are more fun than modern ones.
< Yes! There was a yes over there.
The thing is, though, we weren't sure.
So the producers gave each of us GBP 3,000 and told us to go to a classic car auction in King's Lynn which is famous for being nowhere near anywhere else in the world.
They said we could buy anything we wanted as long as it was built before 1982 and then, when we had cars, there would not be the usual series of small challenges but one big one.
'After a 2,000 mile drive, we arrived 'at the wrong place 'and then the right one 'where, inside the shed' All right, mate? '.
there were many cars to choose from.
' "The Teesside Yesteryear Motor Club.
" How much do I not want to go out for dinner with anyone who's a member of that Yeah, a '68 Daimler.
It's V8 but a tiny capacity so a busy little engine and too expensive unless it goes cheap.
You never know.
'As the start time neared, we took our seats.
' This is the first time I've ever been to a car auction.
It's fantastically exciting.
We could leave with anything.
At auctions in the past, normally I'm the one at the back, drunk out of my mind, bidding for signed rugby balls.
Those are charity auctions.
Ladies and gentlemen, we will now get the first car in.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here we go.
What is that? A London taxi.
A Lanchester LJ 200.
No documents.
Condition - three.
" No documents(!) Who'll start me? 500? Quickly! It's the first one.
I'm doing what they did in nightclubs in Yorkshire.
700, I'm bid.
At 700.
I'm going ugly early.
Go in, get the first one you can.
At GBP1,000.
Give it to me.
Thank you, sir.
That's mine.
You bought it?! madman! Look at the back of it(!) What do you mean "go ugly early"? You go in I did it in nightclubs.
When I was in Ripon, you'd walk in and the first girl that's breathing you go to her and go, "Hi, love,how are you doing?" You've pulled.
That is.
Job's done Your mates who think that in a minute Ursula Andress is going to turn up, and she didn't, are stuck.
'The next lot was a tasty Ford Cortina.
' Bang on.
Bang on.
On my right, 220.
280? 280.
I bid! You did.
You're still in it.
440 I'm not sure.
I want a convertible.
Oh, have it! If you chicken out now,- you won't get it.
Go on! Come on! .
Quickly! 540.
No, I'm hanging on.
I'm hanging on.
'Several terrible cars came and went.
' What the hell's this? It's an Austin Seven.
I'm not interested.
'Then, finally, a convertible arrived.
' Hang on.
2,000 bid.
'And Top Gear's auction new boy went mad.
' At 2,900.
At 3,000.
At 3,000.
What are you doing? 3,400.
Yes! 3,600.
Have you thought, "Holy BLEEP!" I've just bought THAT! How much have I paid for it? GBP 3,600.
I've got 600 of my own money in that?! Yes, sir.
Oh, my God, what have I done? 'Well, at least he'd done something 'unlike James, who, as car after car went by' Bid.
still refused to buy.
' You will see.
my patience will be rewarded.
Spitfire Sports Come on, James, you must bid here.
No, I don't.
James, it's in budget.
You like the colour.
Bid! Bid! 'James was being so stubborn, I decided to bid on his behalf.
' Did you just bid on that, you halfwit? Yes.
James, I'm warning you, if you don't buy something in a minute This is mine.
It's a Bristol, but it's got the wrong engine so it's not worth much.
Watch this.
Someone start me 5,000.
5,000 bid.
At 5,200.
That's you stuffed, then, isn't it? We're out.
I wanted that.
You're starting now to look like you're in trouble.
There's plenty more stuff coming through.
We're now coming up to the last lot.
What?! The very last lot.
Oh, mate! It's nice! I don't want that.
Seriously, what do we do, cos I don't want a Citroen? I don't want it! You've got no choice.
You've got no 900 quid? Bid.
Oh, God.
You've got to buy it, mate.
It's a lovely colour.
1,500! At 1,500 The name, sir? Worth every penny! 'It was time to inspect what we'd bought.
' Look at it in here.
It's like driving around in a radiogram.
Listen to that Oh.
This has not got an MOT, has it? I'll book it in.
The first thing they're going to say is you're running on An odd number.
That's good.
We'll get the fourth one going andit'll be fine.
I'm very confident.
This is a classic.
'And it was a damn sight bigger than Jeremy's classic.
' This is going to be a remarkable thing, watching you fold yourself into a Midget.
It isn't a Midget.
It is! It's an Austin-Healy.
It's a hairy-chested man's car.
No, that's the big Healey.
This is a little tiny Healey builtin the same factory as the MG Midget.
The only difference between this and a Midget is an MG badge.
Oh Let me help you.
There, you see! Let's do this scientifically.
There's the top of the windscreen.
'Still, at least my car wasn't medieval.
' In 1977, you couldn't drink the water in France and they hadn't heard of an ignition key.
How about that? What a dismal racket.
'It was time to receive our challenge.
' "You have been entered in a classic time trial rally "on the sunshine island of Majorca.
" Ah! Majorca means? Bad food, prawn shells in everything Driving on the other side of the road.
They drive on the wrong side of the road.
My steering wheel's on the wrong side of the car.
"You have two weeks to prepare your cars "and ship them there.
" For a classic time I know what they are.
My wife does these.
They're those ones where you have to get from A to B on difficult roads and you have to average a certain speed within the speed limit and you have to average a certain speed within the speed limit but you have to average it.
We are talking some properly anal stuff here.
How do you make a car ready for a rally? I dunno.
'To find out, we took our cars for a spin.
' So, faults.
Let's just go through the faults.
That window won't wind up, no big deal, and the hood here doesn't fit properly.
Other than those tiny things, it's ready to rally, this one.
Power - 32 horsepower, to be precise.
'While waiting for a booking at the MOT centre, 'I discovered something amazing.
' Hold on a second.
My granddad worked at Mulliner's, the coach builders.
And in the 1950s, when he was there, they were making Hillman Humber Standard and Lanchester.
This car's 1953, so my granddad built this car! This actual car, he was working at Mulliner's and this is what he did, he was a coach builder.
He built this car! 'While Richard was having his "Who Do You Think You Are?" moment, 'I was not very far away, 'still not going very fast.
' No.
7 seconds.
'Meanwhile, I was getting acquainted with Granddad's craftsmanship.
' Oh, God.
Third isn't working.
Oh, hell.
I can't get anything past second.
Granddad didn't do the gearbox.
That's a Daimler gearbox.
Sorry! This armrest is adjustable.
I'll adjust it up a bit Oh.
My granddad didn't build that bit.
That was somebody else.
Day off, maybe.
'Eventually, I made it to the MOT centre.
' 'Meanwhile, in the Healey' God, it's even got quick steering.
Everybody knows a horror story about someone who bought a car at an auction.
But what you have here is a fairy story.
Quite by accident, I've bought a genuinely brilliant little car.
'Unlike Richard, whose MOT inspection was now finished.
' You've got a hydraulic pipe that goes to the floating master cylinder and that's leaking fluid quite badly.
It's a wonder you got here with it.
The nearside front trunnion top and bottom is badly worn, the other side is following quite closely behind it.
The brakes on the back are about 83% out of balance.
You're got a brake hose which is floating, which is pouring fluid out of it.
The shackles on the back of the spring hangers, they're in very bad condition as well.
Most of the shackle pins and bits and pieces are very badly worn indeed and some pins had missing -God.
Come on, then, Hammond! Come on.
Tell us How bad was it? That's what came back.
I've had worse than that! Oh, blimey.
That's the actual list.
That is the list of everything that was wrong with Granddad's-that's nomorus We'll pick that up later on, but now it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
My guest tonight has sold more records than The Beatles, but the extraordinary thing is I bet almost none of you have ever heard of him.
He is the lead singer with AC/DC.
Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson! Can't believe you're here! What a star! You've come! Fantastic! Have yourself a seat, Brian.
Thank you.
I am properly fascinated by how you've achieved it, cos everybody knows Jagger, Daltrey, David Van Day.
Everybody knows the lead singers with these big bands.
But Brian Johnson? How have you managed to stay anonymous? I think the band It's just the way we do things.
Stay under the radar, I think.
You never see you on anything.
You're never at a glittering gala do, you're never at Elton John's wild .
No, you wouldn't be.
Cos when I said Brian Johnson's coming on the show to friends, they went, "The cricket bloke? He's dead.
" That's Brian Johns-TON.
We enjoy keeping quiet.
We can live a normal life, you know.
Is this right? Black Hawk Down, obviously we've seen the film, but it was used as well, AC/DC.
Mike, the helicopter pilot that went down.
He'd been shot and he'd been beaten and they put him in a cell, and he thought he was finished.
They kept coming and beating him.
His pals knew that AC/DC were his favourite band, so they hooked a big speaker on the skid of a helicopter and they played Back In Black and Hells Bells and they flew over the city and he dragged himself up and took his shirt off and waved it out the window so they knew where he was and they went down and got him.
that's fantistic,what they really means, and here is a good friends, you know we were told to each other, you know, it's good one to free him from harm.
That is a fantastic story.
We could rap about AC/DC for some considerable time, but you're here because you are a massive, massive car fan.
Is that not? Since I was a kid.
Me father knew there was something wrong with us when I'd be walking down the street going, "Javelin, Dad.
" It drove him nuts so he went to the scrap yard and got a steering wheel and he stuck a stick through it and put it through me bed head and put some pillows on it and said, "There you go.
" What, so that's a car? That was me car.
It was brilliant.
Although there was wallpaper up there, I couldn't see it.
I just saw the rest of the world and I just drove for hours.
so presumably , as soon as I was assumed We're talking here about good, honest, salt of the earth, working-class Geordie upbringing - the original cars that you finally got once you were old enough, they were all what? cheerful colorful breaking down sort of stuffs Me first one, which was fabulous,it was a Ford Popular sit up and beg, which had a beige exterior and a salmon pink interior.
But it was mine, it was freedom.
You presumably go through the Mini phase at that point.
Mini phase was very important because then you didn't have to hide- t the Ford Popular round the corner when you went to parties.
The Mini was cool.
Was it a Cooper? No, I tried to make it look like a Cooper.
I put them little spready things on the back wheels, and I put go-faster stripes on.
But it had sliding windows and they were very handy with the girls in the back.
You could get their I know what you mean! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
And obviously then AC/DC came along.
So what did you get? Heavy metal band - heavy metal cars? I did.
I love me classics.
I bought an old Triumph Roadster, 1948.
Now I drive a 1928 Bentley Le Mans 4.
5 litre.
Bloody hell, really? So when you say "drive", do you use it every day? I go for the paper in it, you know.
It's just the way I That's got the throttle pedal In the middle.
that's a bugger Sometimes, you know, when you're going round a corner, "I'll just break "Oh, bugger!" It can tighten your bottom a bit.
It makes your cars go like a rabbit's nose.
Do you have a favourite road? Is that something you still? cos I also get fed up with people saying, "I don't know what the point of a nice car is, there's nowhere nice to drive.
" Yes,Yes, There's a lovely drive between Newcastle and Carlisle.
there is a place is called Haydon Bridge, If you turn left there and go up to Alston and down the other side into the Lake District, it's probably one of the most beautiful drives.
Do you know the Buttertubs Pass, North Yorkshire? Every time I've got to the other end of it, I've always had to get out and pee on the brakes.
I've got a story to beat that! We were playing at this big airport in Moscow Russia when the coup happened and Yeltsin was on top of the tank and he promised all the kids, he said, "Thanks for helping," cos they helped.
He said, "What do you want?" Theysaid, "We want rock'n'roll, AC/DC.
" So we went over and there was about a million people there.
Really a million.
There was 30,000 armed guards to look after them.
It was getting darker and I was bursting for a pee and I went outside and there was this little concrete plinth and I was standing there going, and these two guards went xxx They were really upset and the translator came and I'd just pissed on Sputnik.
But it was just this black ball, I didn't realise what it was.
Oh, bless.
So what's your day-to-day wheels now? Er, a Phantom.
Me favourite car in the whole wide world.
It is the most fantabulous piece of engineering.
When I turned 60, I thought, "I'm gonna get meself something special.
" Are you over 60?! I'm 62 in October.
Hoo-hoo! I'm impressed.
I am very Rock'n'roll has suited you.
Yeah, aye, but Obviously, we could could sit here and talk cars and I'd be happy to do that literally all day long, but of cause you came down to do your lap.
How was it? The best time I've had since I started.
I've been sitting in the back of a car getting driven everywhere.
I just had a great time.
Who here would like to see Brian's lap? Yes! Let's play the tape.
Let's have a look how you got on.
OK # Is you is or is you ain't my baby.
? # Let's see if this love of cars translates into an ability to drive well.
That's Yeah, stabbing that one in nicely Ooh, I say.
That was good.
Nice and easy, like gravy.
Wouldn't have thought gravy was easy, but there we are, that's tidy as well.
No real problems there.
Keep it cool, yeah, son.
Go on, son! You're being smooth and violent at the same time, which is quite an achievement.
That is bang on.
Look That's perfect.
That is bang on.
# Oh, you must remember this # Concentrate.
No need to ask if you were flat out- through there.
I'm guessing this'll be quick.
It is! And now we're coming up to the second to last corner.
That's beautifully done.
Gambon, is that going to catch you out? No! here we are, cross the line Because it looks like when Ellen MacArthur came here,not dramatic, but you just looked quick.
Where do you think? I wouldn't bother looking down here.
I think it got reasonable.
Anywhere in the second middle! so this is What, just about there.
With Well Speken man there, Hugh Grant and so on.
That would be nice.
well, I got a time there, so what we looking at Jay Kay over the Top 1:45,8 Kevin McCloud and Simon Cowell were 1:45,9 So Brian Johnson, the man nobody had ever heard of You did it in, well One.
forty I've forgotten.
You're killin' us! .
five Oooh!point nine.
You are the second fastest man! Brian Johnson, everybody! Exactly the same as Kevin McCloud from Grand Designs, Simon Cowell, Brian Johnson, 1:45,9,Brilliant! Jay Kay will have just babbered himself! I've so enjoyed having you here today.
I'm just amazed how many gifts God bestowed you with! Great singing voice, nice chap, anonymity, and now can drive a car like an angel.
Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson! What a man! What a man! Earlier on, we bought three classic- cars from an auction.
A 1953 Lanchester, a 1977 Citroen Ami 8, and a 1969 MG Midget.
It's a Healey! > BOTH: It's just a Midget.
Anyway, we then discovered, after we'd bought the cars, that we had just two weeks andhardly any money to get them ready for something called a Regularity Time Trial Rally, which was in Majorca.
Sadly, Hammond had spent all his budget, and lots more besides, getting the Lanchester his granddad had built to work.
But for once, Jeremy had donea good job, and as usual, so had I.
However, before we could get going, we were given new instructions.
On a classic rally, you need a co-driver to operate the timing gear and read the maps, But don't worry, the producers have provided one for reach of you.
They've I'm not worried.
My betting is these co-drivers, whatever we've got in our mind, now, I'm not certain Is not what they have provided.
We weren't wrong.
James had been given Madison Welsh a glamour model.
Who has no interest at all in classic rallying.
Have you honestly never done it? Not as a hobby or something? No, I've never done it! Seriously? ! For me, things just keep getting better.
Because this is my co-driver, his name is Joan Verger, he is the president of the Balearic Motorsport Federation, and an ex-Seat works driver.
Presumably you know the roads in the north like the back of your hand.
The mountainroads.
You speak Don't tell me he doesn't speak English.
no comprendo Richard meanwhile had been given a keen amateur mechanic called Brian Wheeler Brian! It does that, you have to imagine this in a rally situation, so the idea is we get points deducted for being early or late - at the checkpoints we have to get to.
- But I can't see.
granddad didn't think of that when he built it the co-drivers didn't fill us with much confidence, and then we saw the cars we'd be up against.
there were Lancia Stratos', Mustangs, Corvettes and endless Porsches I've never seen so many 911s.
This Mustang is in our category.
Oh, my God, how am I gonna compete against that?! And then we got even more bad news Fantastic.
You've had a great day? Yeah.
Well, when did it start? Last night was the first stage, and this morning at 8.
30am, we were out there.
So, yeah.
OK Five stages, yeah.
Five stages.
Thank you for that.
What were they saying? I don't know how this has happened.
- I imagine it's James's fault, but we thought the rally started tomorrow morning.
It turns out it actually started two days ago.
So, even before we'd started, we knew we had no chance of winning.
At the very least, we are competing- against each other.
Why don't we just make it a private race? Whatever it is, it requires precision and patience, so you won't win.
I bet you ?25 that I beat you.
Three-way bet.
All right.
All right.
And so, the next morning, two days late, with the wrong co-drivers and the wrong cars Does anybody here know how to zero on an Austin Healey Sprite? .
we set off.
Go! We've got no gear.
Not got a lot to talk about.
We had to arrive at various checkpoints at specified times, and then complete a number of special stages on closed roads at a precise average speed.
This wouldn't be easy in the Healey.
This is ridiculous.
My speedometer is saying I'm doing 60mph when I'm doing about 30No, 20.
How are we going to be able to do average speeds when this is saying 60mph? When we stop at the next bit I'll write down some speed and distance formulae for you so you can work out average speeds as well.
There's only two you need to know.
How fast we've been going, how fast we need to go, or how long we've taken so far.
You can use the two stopwatches, so you can say for 10 minutes Mountains! Does this car smell healthy to you? Actually, there is a slightly, um, oily smell.
So the roundabout is at 127, so add another 1km Hello? .
Hello! 'Still.
Could be worse.
' Granddad didn't do the cooling system so it can be a bit It's all falling out.
So how long should we wait? About half an hour, for it to cool down.
So we'll then have to go faster to make the We will have to go a lot faster, and um break a few rules, I think.
It can't go much faster.
Jeremy, meanwhile, was getting into the spirit of amateur rallying.
Loser! Loser! We then arrived at the first closed-road stage, which we would have to complete at a specified average speed.
The speed Zero.
Si The speed.
Thisat what speed? Quant o Quanto? Which one's too tight? That one.
Are you sure? It's difficult to do this without actually getting hold of the work of the divine potter.
Perfecto No, what? 50? Bien I decided to just do it flat out.
We're going! Down into second Flip the apex! 'This made Joan very angry!' No, rapido, no! No, perfecto! What's that mean?! Plus lentement? Rapido? Tranquilo? Tranquilo, tranquilo.
'Meanwhile, in the Open University' When we get to this next one, stop that stopwatch and start that one at exactly the same time.
Cos you then have a record of that one and that one is then timing it to the next one.
In fact, don't.
That'll confuse us cos we have to take it away.
Leave that one running.
Jot down what the time actually said.
Yeah? Yeah.
We still weren't at the first stage, and Brian was less than impressed with Granddad's Lanchester.
THUD Ouch! Suspension's good then.
It is.
I hardly felt it on this side.
It's good, yes? Finish? What time? Show me the time.
Time! Time, Manuel! Can't see, can't I've no idea.
I've just done something and I don't know what it was.
'As it turned out,'what I'd done is go way too fast, 'which meant Joan had to do yet more sums.
' Maths.
Can't talk to him.
He's doing literally sitting a maths exam.
But I bet the conversation in the bar at night is fun.
"I did more maths than you today.
" "No, you didn't, "I did more maths than you.
" 'In fact, the only person enjoying this less than me 'was James' co-driver.
' Divide 60 by 55.
Why do you keep saying that? It's a 60 thing, like the Assyrians had.
There's not 100 seconds in a minute, there are 60, and that is a decimal What? It's 0.
Times 0.
85 by 60.
Do you- just like saying different numbers? What do I do at this roundabout? Huh? What do I do at this roundabout? What roundabout? 'Brian and I had finally arrived at the first stage.
'However,' Bloody 'ell! OK,40 So I'm driving about half the speed- my car can go in order to win.
thanks to Mr Brown.
'To be honest, though, right now, my money was pretty safe.
' There would only be other cars here if they were lost in exactly the same way as us.
Left or right? That way.
Do you know that or are you just guessing? There is a left somewhere.
Is it only There's hundreds of lefts in it.
I prefer you do too.
Don't do Please, don't do that.
Now! Go, go, go, go! 'Finally, we were doing our first stage.
However,' Where do I go now, Brian? Forward! Forward! Can you see out of the car exactly where we're going or not? Well, I can see sort of the hills and the sky.
I'll tell you what's happening in front of us.
It's straight ahead.
I can't get this gear.
It's a very big steering wheel, isn't it? Granddad liked to make sure you had good, proper-sized wheels.
It makes you look smaller.
Well, now, erm OK.
Oh, God, look at the steam coming out the bonnet.
Oh, my word! 'Realising he'd got off to a bad start, 'James was now trying to charm Maddie with some romantic conversation.
' It's not actually an overdrive but you need to treat it as one.
It's actually a ratio of 1 to 1.
It simply locks the input shaft to the output shaft.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Do you actually do anything to your hair? I wash it occasionally.
You should wear a hair band.
Oh, why couldn't we get one of them? That's a nice car.
I bet that don't overheat.
Just after lunch, we made it to the lunch stop, 'where Jeremy explained that Brian and I 'had amassed the biggest number of penalty points in rallying history.
' So, I've got 3,600 points, the lowest points worth.
You've got 41,897.
And you've got 44,000.
It's quite close between you two.
'To punish Jeremy for his smugness, 'we decided to modify his car.
' That is now the heating jammed on? Yes, the only way to turn it off is to stop And open the bonnet.
Lose vital seconds, or hours in his case because he won't be able to work out how to do that.
'But as we headed off to the afternoon stages, 'strangely, it was in the Citroen where things were getting hot.
' I think it's in there.
I can feel it.
Yeah, it's a little tube.
Ooh! That's little! Right.
Now, pout.
You can't have cracked lips.
I changed from first to third in my gearbox, which means technically, I short shifted.
When I say short, I don't mean that I'm not being rude.
You keep saying short, don't you? No, I meant I short shifted.
I wasn't being clever.
In the Healey, my lunchtime smugness was starting to look premature.
Hello? Ooh, God.
No clutch.
'This meant I'd have to choose one gear for the stage, 'and then stick with it.
' Here we go.
Perfect, perfect.
It's all going wrong for us this afternoon! Also, I think the heater is on.
Do you know how to turn it off? 'But Joan wasn't going to let anything mess up his maths.
' Dale, dale! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've got one gear, I can do nothing! Vamos, vamos! Va, va, va! I can't reach 50 kilometres an hour- on this.
It's impossible.
Bueno, bueno.
Fast, fast, fast! Yes, yes, yes.
Your handbag's in the way.
God! They're laughing at the car.
They're- not.
They're cheering us on.
OK, if you say so.
Why don't they speak English? Cos they're Spanish.
'Following the shambles of the morning, 'Brian was now in a right mood.
' Anything to let me know about? No.
What about this massive tight left-hand bend here? I haven't got a map of the route.
What? I haven't got a map of the route.
Come on, you should talk to me.
There should be a constant stream of instructions issuing from you.
Left turn coming up.
In a hairpin.
You're just telling me things you can see out the window now you've got a cushion! Vaya a la derecha.
We're losing the brakes.
I'm losing the brakes.
Vaya, vaya.
'Because the Healey was in such a bad way, 'I managed to cross the line in a slow enough time for once.
' We've finished.
Yay! Yay! Is that good? Is that good? Ooooh! And the Loveboat finished on time as well.
Meanwhile, back in PC world I didn't mean Jeremy's car was rubbish because it's a midget.
I just meant that's what it is.
It's an MG Midget It I'm sorry.
Brian, it's making a bad noise.
And a bad smell.
This is I think I may have to stop for a moment.
I'm not well.
'This meant Richard would miss the final checkpoint of the day.
'James and I had no problems though 'because all we had to do was stick to a motorway.
'It was therefore impossible to get lost.
' Which way? Straight on.
Are you sure? No.
Yeah, let's go there, it looks pretty.
You don't go there because it's pretty.
Well, there should be signs if it isn't.
Can you not work out? Please can you take your hat off.
Sorry, it's really lovely but I can't see the cars coming.
Now I've got flat hair.
That's not important.
'Mind you, it wasn't exactly plain sailing for me either.
' Come on, please, traffic.
Please, please.
How can they have a rush hour in Mallorca? Nobody does anything.
Get up, throw a donkey off a tower block, sit in a plastic chair by the side of the road, go to bed.
Where does the rush hour come from in that? Oh, God.
'Day one, then, 'of our first classic rally hadn't been a total success.
'However, day two sounded promising- because we were at a track.
'No more maths, no more stopwatches, 'just hour after hour of pedal to the metal action.
'Or so I thought.
' Each group does two rounds of four rounds each.
The first round of each round serving as a reference time for the following three rounds 'It turned out we'd set a time on our first lap 'and then we'd win if we matched that time on the next three.
' Is that clear? No, I've got a question.
If you break down on your first lap, do you have to then break down on the subsequent three laps? 'I decided to break down before we started.
' Oh, God! Have you seen the oil raining off my chassis? Oh! It's just raining oil! Come on, she'll do it.
She's got to do it.
She's a good old girl.
That's fallen off.
That's all Yeah, I meant that.
Have you done the other side? You're going to sparkle.
If you or I had done that, he would kill us.
Yes, he would.
'We then hit the track to set our benchmark lap times.
'And I decided, because the Healey was stuck in third, 'to keep things steady.
' Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.
Set a nice, smooth lap time.
Looking good.
'James, obviously trying to impress- Maddie was being more vigorous.
' Like a cross Channel ferry! Your teddy bear on the spare wheel is not entirely helpful.
'In the Lanchester, it was business as usual.
' Was it a sort of boiling hissing sound? No, it was a clunking sound.
Oh, the temperature's right up as well.
You've got to ease up, you've got to ease up.
Yeah, but we've got to get the time.
'Despite everything though, even an official telling me to slow down, 'we were all starting to enjoy ourselves.
' I've seen new cars that I wanted to own today.
And you can come here and you can talk to people, use words like 16 valve and not be embarrassed.
you havenot to work for late You can be who you are, talk about cars, drive like a lunatic on a track.
It's quite nice to be a car person again.
It is.
'Back on the track, 'the Lanchester seemed to be behaving as normal.
' Temperature's gone right up.
'I was therefore confident I'd matched my original lap time.
' We did that 29 seconds faster.
Did we? Yes.
Oh, God.
That's a disaster if we're that far adrift.
'In the Loveboat, James unaware that Maddie had decorated his helmet even more was having 'the time of his life.
' I think we're coming up to your first stopwatch point.
Two minutes, 36.
Right, reset then.
There you go.
'Sadly, our efforts were a bit pointless 'because all Jeremy had to do to win overall victory 'was run calm and steady.
'And he knew that.
' He who shall be slowest shall be first.
'But then' Mmmm I've got a big Mustang up my trumpet.
I don't like being overtaken.
It's a sign of weakness.
Let's have him.
O-o-o-o-oh! Power! What's Jeremy doing? Out of my way! Oh, yes! No-o-o, no-o-o, no-o-o! 'My little car may have been a bit broken 'but I wasn't going to let it get beaten.
' Ah-ha! You weren't ready for that! 'Joan even forgot the maths.
' Grrrrrrr! No, this is very bad! Oh, yes! Yes, what do you think of that! Loser! 'But then the penny dropped.
' What I've done, I think, is accidentally got involved in a race with a Mustang, and ruined my time.
'Back at the pits, there was even more bad news.
' So James May was perfect? Yes.
Damn it.
I don't want to hear that.
James, you might be in with a shout at beating me.
Have you got your lap times? They're pretty consistent.
But we're only doing it to the nearest second.
He was only doing it to the nearest second! Hammond, he may have a flower on his helmet What? .
but he's still James May, so Have you put a flower on it as well? That's what I was laughing at, there's a flower on your hat.
Have a look.
Bloody hell.
'We now had to wait to see if James had pipped me at the post.
'But either way, it didn't really matter 'because our three King's Lynn crocks 'had made it to the finishing line.
'And on the way, they'd wormed their way into our hearts.
'In short, on this glorious island, 'all of us, in our own way, had fallen a little bit in love.
' This is the bet, 25 pounds.
Who do I give it to? You give it, Richard Hammond, to James May.
What?! He is the winner.
Thank you.
Anyway, I have to say, all of us have fallen in love with the cars we had out there to such an extent that for the first time ever, after a film, all three of us have actually bought them from the BBC.
Well, I had to buy the Lanchester, Granddad built it, it's part of the family.
Now, I do have a bit of a disappointment for you on that, Hammond, because you see I discovered, before the rally began if I'm honest, um How can I put this? This particular Lanchester was built by Barkers, not Mulliners.
What? Which means that what you've done is bought at great expense a car built by SOMEBODY'S granddad.
Oh, God! On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to end, see you next week, thank you for watching, good night.