Top Gear (2002) s13e07 Episode Script

Volkswagen Advertisement

Tonight, Richard has a crisis .
.
some sheep on our track, and James and I go to the lavatory.
Good evening! Hello! Hello, everybody.
Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you! Yes, and welcome to the final show in the series.
AUDIENCE: Ah! Sad.
Now, as I'm sure you know, we don't often do consumer advice on this show.
But tonight, we are.
Because, if you were in the market for a large, fast, spacious, executive saloon car, you'd imagine that you'd be spoilt for choice.
Me, too.
However, Richard Hammond, who is quite mad, has decided that every single one of them has a fatal flaw.
It really doesn't matter which one you pick.
Take this, for example - the Audi S4.
Yes, it's fast, and it's well built, and it's safe.
But it has one big problem - it's built entirely for businessmen.
And real businessmen are not The Apprentice, Dragons' Den, Richard Branson, all helicopters and hostile takeovers.
They're actually quite dull.
And work in Swindon.
Their cars aren't cars.
They're uniforms - silver or black paint, maybe a splash of wood on the dash, and that's your lot.
It doesn't matter where you go - Audi, Mercedes, BMW - they're all so obsessed with what each other is doing that they all end up making exactly the same car.
So, if you don't want a businessman's sports saloon, what do you do? Especially if, like me, you're a bit of a Yes, what we need right now is something to come and save the day.
This looks promising.
If you were watching earlier in the series, you'll have seen Jeremy going on about a car that sounds like it's having a Lady Chatterley crisis.
And this is it.
The Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst edition.
The interesting bit there is the Bathurst bit.
Because this car is Australian, and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race.
Basically, it's a place where Holden and Ford fans go to have a massive fist fight.
And then in the interval, when the paramedics go in, sometimes a car race breaks out.
And this car, with its supercharged 6.
2 litre V8, is one hell of a fist fight.
I just love the sound of a supercharger.
That whine, you can hear it now, that shriek.
It's an Outback choir, you've got the tenor of the supercharger, and then the base of the V8.
And it gets better, this button here, it says "Bimodal" on it.
And if I press that, it adjusts valves and things, in the exhaust system, and makes it louder.
What this car does is go to 11.
I fear that anyone who likes the Bathurst is probably quite a bad businessman.
The world of PowerPoints will not take you seriously.
But the consolation is, when your business does eventually go bust, there's no way in hell will the bailiff will ever catch you! Ha-ha! Top speed, a limited 155mph.
Of course, the Germans will do that, too.
But they won't dish out as much fun when you do this.
HE LAUGHS Apparently, the suspension is adjustable.
Presumably from oversteer, to, "Oh, dear, we've just crashed!" RICHARD LAUGHS Just astonishing! I'm sorry, if this car doesn't move you, that is your problem, not the car's.
It's just a fact.
It costs £45,000, and for that, you get almost limitless vulgarity.
No spoiler is too big.
No vent is too gaping.
No supercharger too red.
In short, the perfect fast saloon for anyone who's not a businessman.
I'm thinking, actors, vicars, professors, erm, children.
But what if you're a builder or a farmer, or anyone who has to move around loads of stuff? They really are in a petrol-head wasteland, because often as not, they have to drive about in something as slow and dull as this.
I'm sure it's practical, but 0-60 comes up in well, I've been on the go some time and it hasn't happened yet.
And that's just not fair.
Ideally, what you need is a combination of thatand that.
If only such a thing existed.
And for the second time today, unfortunately, it's Australia that comes to the rescue.
This is called the Maloo, which, in Aborigine, means thunder.
Now, strictly speaking, because it's Australian, this isn't a pick-up, it's a ute.
And you can now buy it in this country for £37,000, which sounds like quite a lot.
But you haven't seen yet how it can enrich your life.
Say you're at the lights next to the IT boy in his supercharged Audi.
ENGINES REV In a normal pick-up, when the lights went green, he'd leave you in a cloud of business dust.
Not in this one.
Reining him in! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm sorry, fella! This is the fastest ute in the world.
Top speed, limited to 155.
That means you can worry people in 911s.
And it's all down to a huge But that's enough maths.
Time for a quick ute history lesson.
It started in the 1930s, when a farmer's wife wrote to Ford of Australia, complaining that there was no car that could take her to church on a Sunday, and the pigs to market on a Monday.
The answer was, the ute, and the Australians have worshipped them ever since.
You might think that because it's basically a piece of farm machinery with a big engine, drag racing is all it can do.
Not so.
The Maloo loves corners.
In fact, it gets a bit carried away.
Ha-ha! Yep, there's no weight on the back end, so it is a bit lively! And adding weight to the back doesn't work that well, either.
Oh, no! My hay-based solution system needs refining, but the fact is, the next time you wake up and realise that you're not a businessman, but you like a fast car .
.
remember, the Aussies are here to help.
I had a good point, it's a good point.
Is that your idea of consumer advice? Yes.
You really are a steak and kidney lock opener, aren't you? Oh, yes.
But we must now find how fast these cars go round our track.
And that of course means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that he cut that man's hair.
And that if HE compensated a soldier for getting wounded, he wouldn't try to take it all back again.
CHEERING All we know is, he's called the Stig! And they're off.
Extraordinary whining from the Bathurst, just distant thunder from the Maloo, as they go down to the first corner.
Straightaway, the front heavy ute is getting frisky.
Bathurst responding, with a slide! Oh, my God, how many bagpipes are we hearing there? Two? Seven? One, with a hole in it? He's round Chicago and now we're at Hammerhead.
Maloo does not look like the easiest thing in the world to drive.
And the Bathurst is just a supercharged portable drift machine.
Look at it! Fantastic.
That is literally the most painful drone I've heard since James tried to explain fuel-injection to me.
Two corners left.
Bathurst's really getting its tail out.
And now, if we look, the Maloo is as well! Sideways cars from an upside-down country! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK.
You first, Hammond.
OK.
Your pick-up truck.
My pick-up truck did it in 1.
27.
1.
It's as fast as an Aston Martin DB9.
That's unbelievable! What a car! Hang on, the Bathurst the Bathurst did it in 1.
26.
3.
So it's about the same as a BMW M5.
And that really does make it the perfect car for anyone whose business is selling pegs and heather.
And now the news and the big news this week is a new Ferrari.
Here it is.
It's the F430 Scuderia convertible.
And if you are one of the 499 people who have ordered one of those, all we have to say to you is, "You big daft cock.
" Big mistake.
Error.
A massive mistake.
Because while you were doing that, Ferrari were working on this.
This is the replacement.
Well, yes, exactly.
That's the 458 Italia.
And I have to say, from the front, it looks absolutely exquisite, but from the back, it looks even exquisiter.
How do you feel now? How do you feel now? It's just beautiful.
And what's more, this is fantastic to drive.
How can you possibly know that? Nobody's driven it yet.
Because, a-ha! History teaches us this, because every single time the Ferrari Formula One team is doing well, their road cars are rubbish.
And every time their Formula One car is doing badly, their road cars are brilliant.
And this year, do you see what I'm saying? They can't win anything, even an egg-and-spoon race.
He's right.
The problem is, if you've only got 100 people working for you and 50 of them are completely bogged down designing a windscreen wiper for a road car, you haven't got enough people left to win the championship.
And do you know why? Formula One cars are designed by men and men cannot do two things at once.
No, that's a good point.
We can't.
Am I right? Yes, exactly.
We'll admit that, we cannot multi-task.
"Don't ask me now, I'm putting this pen away.
"Now you can talk.
Hold on.
"OK, talk now.
I breathed in.
Hold, I'm breathing out.
" We can't do two Just breathing in and breathing out.
Is enough for us to be occupied.
Absolutely.
Now, people, can I just get serious for a moment? Would you mind? It's just that we've heard that over in Amsterdam at night, various drunken louts, there's no other word for them, have been picking up Smart cars, and throwing them into the canal.
We've got a picture here.
Seriously.
No, no, noreally.
Apparently, it only takes four people to pick one of those things up and just lob it in the drink.
Now, I bring this up because I'm just slightly worried that over here in England people might start picking up those little electric gee-whizzes, and throwing them in the river.
Can you imagine how awful that would be for Mr Weird-beard if his pride and joy were to find itself in the Thames? I really cannot urge you enough not to do that.
Thinking about it, if you did lob an electric car into a river, wouldn't it kill all the fish? Zzz! And they'd all float on the top.
Would it do that? Are there any electricians here? Yes.
Would it electrocute Why aren't you at work? Would it electrocute the fish? No.
Why? The voltage is too low and the amps So it turns out it's fine to throw a gee-whizz into a canal.
Can't advise that.
Yeah, it's OK.
I'm not convinced by that, though, because I think electricity is a mystery.
It is.
I don't actually believe in it.
You don't believe in electricity? No, nobody really understands it.
What you are witnessing here is Asperger's made real.
Is that what makes my wee smell funny? No! Oh, no, that's asparagus.
Now, you may have heard a few days ago that Michael Schumacher is standing in for the injured Felipe Massa, OK? Interesting timing.
This is the last programme in our series.
No more cars to test till November on the track.
Suddenly, he's available.
We're not saying anything, it's just those are the facts.
Those are simply the facts.
Actually, I do want to talk about Felipe Massa.
Obviously, he was injured in the Hungarian Grand Prix when a spring hit him in the face at 140mph.
I'm just staggered he wasn't killed! Yes, because he weighs about the same as what, a bag of sugar? The thing is, he was wearing one of those new regulation carbon-fibre crash helmets and they are unbelievably strong.
Because the injuries he's got, as far as I can work out, are very similar to the ones you got.
Yes, possibly, yes.
Frontal lobe damage, so that's personality, emotional control, spatial awareness, all of that.
Hopefully getting better.
Does that mean that if he gets better - and, God, we're all praying he does - that he's going to become an irritating little arse? I mean, it's a thought.
It could.
You never know with brain damage.
Or he could come back to work and discover the people he works with are, well, they've become quite incredibly irritating.
And quite fat.
It can happen.
Anyway, look, Felipe, I know you're not watching because you're in Italy or wherever, but we are thinking of you.
Everybody here wishes you a speedy recovery.
Good luck.
Now, you know we used to say in the olden days that all bad drivers drove Volvos, particularly bikers, OK? Now this was a good thing, because you knew where the bad drivers were.
You saw a Volvo, you knew it was a bad driver.
All was well.
Then Volvo started making good cars, the T5 and so on, the bad drivers dispersed.
We didn't know what they were in.
So what are the bad drivers in? I think quite a few ended up in Micras.
Nissan Micras? You might be right, yeah.
I think quite a few ended up in Kia Sedonas.
I think Korean cars in general.
If I see one coming towards me, I pull over, get out, hide behind a tree until it's gone.
You just don't want to take any chances.
The thing is this, if you buy a rubbish car, what you are saying is, "I have no interest in cars.
" If you have no interest in cars, you have none in driving.
If you have no interest in something, it means you're no good at it, which means you must have your driving licence taken away.
I went on the internet this week to compile a series of clips of people having parking accidents, you know, minor bumps and scrapes.
See if you can spot something that all the cars have in common? Here we go.
Now what's that? That's a Which one are we looking at? That one? That's a Hondo.
We're not talking here about a good driver, are we? Because they've got the pedals muddled up.
OK, right, it's a Skoda! Big gate there.
Oh dear, no.
Worst car in the world, is it It is, it's a Neon.
I believe this to be a Chrysler Neon.
Anybody driving one of those, take their licence away or that will happen.
It's incredible! I think that is a Pontiac.
Yes! That's gone wrong.
Now here we are, we're in Britain for this one.
That's a bad driver, he's got a bus but he's made it.
And here comes the Honda! Oh! No! It's a perfectly valid theory because if you had absolutely no interest whatsoever in how the human body worked, you wouldn't get a job as a surgeon, would you? If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it.
You shouldn't be allowed to do it.
Exactly.
I mean, it would be like asking him to cook Sunday lunch.
Could you cook a Sunday lunch? Yeah, you boil the meat or whatever You see? I'm not interested in food, so I'm not interested in cooking.
There you are.
You wouldn't ask him, because he's not interested, to cook you any food.
You wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to direct a porn film.
You say that.
I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.
If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and negligee.
"I've come to fix your boiler.
" And then you'd just fix it.
Might do.
What's wrong with that? Now, that is the end of the news.
So we are going to move on with this.
Ever since 1963, when Volkswagen invented the concept of modern television advertising, they have been king of the hill.
OK? And they still are, thanks to ads like this.
This is the man who put a million on black and it came up red.
This is the man who married a sex kitten, just as she turned into a cat.
This is the man who moved into gold, just as the clever money moved out.
This is the manwho drives a Volkswagen.
Everyone must have something in life he can rely on.
Now that's all very well, but you see, every week we make films in which the clouds go backwards, a super car spins around, metaphors get tortured, and they last for what, five minutes, six minutes? Yes, quite.
So how hard can it be for us to make a car advert, which is over in 30 seconds? Well, the producers decided that James and I should find out.
Feeling like candidates for The Apprentice, the two of us got dressed up as ad men, and went to the glittering West London offices of Goodyear, Stickleback and Bunsen burner.
There, the ad execs showed us the car we'd be advertising - a diesel version of the new Scirocco.
What would be your suggestions, to do a commercial for a Volkswagen? At the heart of all good Volkswagen advertising, there is always a product truth.
It's not sort of flimflam, it's always based on a truth that comes directly from the product.
But you never did one that said, "The new Beetle - "celebrating over half a century of Europe's greatest mass murderer.
" No, cos you pick on a truth that matters, you idiot.
What? You pick on a truth that matters.
I think what you're saying is, if you take Peugeot, "The drive of your life," that line has nothing to do with any Peugeot product, all of which are dreadful.
It's just an ad man went, "The drive of your life" is a good line.
That's that point there about you've got to look for it, you've got to try the product out, you've got to drive it, experience it, and find out what the real truths of the product are.
We ought to go to drive the car.
At first, things were looking good.
The clever thing about this is, it doesn't really cost all that much more than a Golf.
So, it costs the same as the Golf, but you stand out because you've got a Scirocco, which is better-looking.
Quality is exceptional.
Just the fit and finish of everything in here is superb.
Yes.
It's practical for a coupe.
I don't know of any coupe currently made that's got more space in the back then this has.
Right, let's try some sporty driving and see if it's sporty.
I'm gonna put it into sport.
And here, on twisting, country lanes, there weren't any problems, either.
Brakes? The brakes are good, actually.
The brakes are good, steering's good.
So what you're saying is, as a sporty car, it's pretty good? Yes.
But, we then got to the elephant in the corner.
Right, come on.
Is it fast? Put your foot down.
BOTH: Not.
So, that's a good five seconds of absolutely nothing in fourth gear.
But if I change to third, OK Right.
.
.
then I run out of puff, so I've got to go back to fourth again! It's the same as all diesels, you have just a morsel, and then it's gone.
So, performance? No.
No.
The bottom line is this - this particular Scirocco is a good car, ruined.
We both agree, do we not? The car is a stupid idea.
A car that looks like this should have a petrol engine.
Let's make that absolutely clear.
Our personal view is that you should not buy this car.
However, we are now charged with selling it.
So, what? What? Back in Apprentice land, we outlined the problem.
As far as I can make out, the Volkswagen Scirocco is a pretty car, and what they've done is, they've put the engine from a canal boat in it.
And we have to somehow make that seem like a good thing.
The idea of building that sort of car with that sort of engine deserves the strap line, "What the bloody hell were you thinking of?" Which isn't really going to work as an advert.
It's not, no.
You're starting from a negative, where you should start from a positive.
You're saying, "You've ruined a Scirocco.
" Whereas, you should be saying, "You've improved diesel.
" Ah! So that you make diesel more exciting, rather than make Scirocco less exciting.
Edward de Bono here has hit it on the head.
We've made diesel more interesting.
Not VW Scirocco less interesting.
You see, that's why he's sitting there.
And we're sitting here in rubbish clothes.
James and I then tried some blue-sky thinking.
Imagine, if it just said, "Volkswagen Scirocco," across the screen, "Diesel.
" And then a polar bear just stood there and just went, "BOOM!" No.
I'm going wrong.
What if we do a campaign based around the idea of great ecclesiastical figures, from Thomas Becket down - would have driven, had they had the chance, the Scirocco diesel? Cos it would be shit.
OK, what about the car just approaching in the distance, so you've got the advertising stuff with the road, that famous road that they use in Spain, where it winds round and the hillsyou've got swelling music, and the Scirocco.
No, that's a cliche.
I would just stop right there.
Are you listening to this, James? An advert has to say almost nothing.
It's just got to goWOW! Hasn't it? And BANG! With a huge explosion.
Well, point five on how to do a Volkswagen ad is, "Speak to the reader, don't shout, he can hear you.
"Especially if you talk sense.
" You don't blow his head off.
It's important that the advertising has intelligence.
It can't just be explosions.
Feeling like ad men, we went to the lavatory.
And then we went to the track, where I let Jeremy make our first intelligent advertisement.
The new VW Scirocco Diesel.
It's explosive! What d'you think of that? It's rubbish.
Why is it rubbish? It's not funny, and it's not true.
We've been to see those clever blokes in the agency, they've told us what VW advertising is like, how can you hint at 55 miles per gallon, with an explosion? Well, what have you got? The new VW Scirocco Diesel produces 138 horsepower, and 236lb/ft of torque.
So, it's faster than you might think.
And there's room in the back for your mother-in-law.
Unfortunately! 'The Scirocco TDI - your mother-in-law will love it.
' That's the worst advert I've ever seen.
Your criticisms? Way, way too much information.
And mother-in-law jokes, James, I mean I'm identifying my market.
They're old people, old people made mother-in-law jokes, that'll make them feel useful.
Why didn't you get someone blacked-up going, "The Camptown Races"? Cos they used to watch the Black And White Minstrel Show? James, it's not an idea.
You can't tell mother-in-law jokes.
I fear you and I, we're going down two very separate roads here.
James decided to do more blue-sky thinking, while I rushed off to make an ad that had no explosions in it.
Here we go.
Yeah, I was in a terrible accident.
Well, I ran out of petrol, I was on the hard shoulder waiting for the breakdown van, and I was hit by this massive truck.
Yeah, that happens a lot.
But it won't happen to me.
I've got the new Scirocco Diesel.
It does 55 mpg! 'The new Scirocco TDI - 'for people who value their arms.
' So, the VW Scirocco driver is deeply unpleasant? He's not deeply unpleasant, it's funny! Children love a bit of that.
Old people love a bit of blood.
Old people won't like that.
It reminds them of the Blitz.
Think of the customer.
You're saying, "Buy this car "if you're smug and you revel in other people's misfortune.
" You can't put that on a car ad! He's offering him advice! He's saying, "Get a Scirocco Diesel" It's a bit late, his arm's come off! He'll have the other arm! OK, close-up on Jeremy's tongue, please.
We pressed on with some more ideas.
She loves me not Action! I bet you any money this stays intact.
Did it? No.
Right, right, right.
Right, right, right.
Left! Left! James then decided we needed a jingle.
# Diesel Scirocco # Gets you down to Morocco # On one fill-up of diesel # At 55 mpg-iesel # Then I decided we didn't need a jingle.
Yes! They're here! Imagine now, James.
Explosion! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Massive fire coming from the gunship Left, left, left! Right, right! Left, left, left! Oh, for God's sake! Action.
The New Scirocco Diesel.
Truly biblical economy.
This isn't working, is it? I'm sorry.
Finally, after much trial and error, we had an ad that we could show to the Alan Sugars.
Check this out.
This is the new Scirocco TDI.
It's pretty fast.
But a Mazda RX8 will kick its backside.
And an Alfa Brera will vomit in its face.
They'll have to stop for fuel, though.
And you won't.
Get ahead.
Get a new Scirocco TDI.
Stunned is the word I'm The first thing I'd say is that, how fast is that Scirocco going? Do you ever see car adverts with cars going fast in them? So, you aren't allowed to show, in a car advert, a car going fast? No.
No? No.
Also, I suspect, with some enhanced sound.
No, we never No.
There's No, that was the real sound.
There's screeching tyres in there, massively accelerating engine Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
It's not just the driving, it's the sound that you put in.
Happily, we had an idea which would save the day.
We will go off this afternoon, and I can mend that advert.
OK I believe we have a cure.
You remember the one yesterday? Yep.
How could we forget it? This is the new Scirocco TDI.
It's pretty fast.
Get ahead, get a new Scirocco TDI.
You see, we've addressed the speed issue.
No, you haven't.
It says he's doing of the car is exactly the same, so there's no difference in the promotion of speed whatsoever.
When we talked to you, truth and honesty were two of the things we talked about, and that feels dishonest.
Well, it's still going, it was probably going 59.
And how fast were the other cars going? They were going 59 as well.
So, twice as fast The rest of the ads didn't go down that well, either.
THEME TUNE FROM MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE # Common rail injection, you know that's the new direction # The new Scirocco TDI, for people who value their arms.
Don't you think that is tip-top? No.
Right Desperate, I decided to show them our remake of one of their classics.
This is the man who put a million on black - and it came up red.
This is the man who married a sex kitten - just as she turned into a cat.
This is the man who moved into gold - just as the clever money moved out.
If only he'd waited for the new Scirocco TDI to go on sale.
The Scirocco TDI.
Life's not so bad.
Simple, tight You are showing in your ad there a suicide.
Yes.
You should be able to imagine that the regulatory body does not allow depictions of suicide.
I mean, it's pretty positive.
You either get shot through the head or you have a VW.
Nick and Margaret invited us to get out of their office and go back to the drawing board.
Jesus Christ! D'you know why an ad man won't look out of the window in the morning? No.
Cos then he'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
But then, while Jeremy was being ridiculous, I had an idea.
If we couldn't use speed, why not set the ad in a location where speed is impossible? A funeral! Job one, get ourselves a black Scirocco.
I couldn't help noticing, it's the petrol one.
We'll dub canal boat noises on.
I'm gonna talk to the mourners.
Yes, just get them in the car.
This is a tragedy, it's a loved one.
It will all be resolved in the VW Scirocco Diesel.
ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SCREECH Who's driving that? Who's driving the Scirocco? Jeremy.
Well, he's got the wrong idea altogether.
My driving made James quite cross.
Let's do the funeral thing seriously, then, at the end, we've got the message about the VW.
It's not complicated.
The funeral can be done seriously, but there's nothing to stop a war plane coming in the middle? There's me.
Cos I'm directing.
Soon, he was even more cross.
So, you're driving the hearse? I'm driving the limousine EXPLOSION Clarkson! TYRES SCREECH None of that is going in.
We're not doing a comedy Carry On funeral, we are doing a real funeral.
James and I couldn't even agree on how to direct the actors.
OK, madam, this is where we'd like you to cry.
In a dignified, adult, genuine grief, rather than Take a good sniff of this onion, ready? There we go.
There we go, now cry! Cry! Cry! To get James out of my hair, I sent him to look for a crow.
Crow? A crow.
Have you ever seen a funeral scene in your life without a crow in it? There'll be one in a tree, or in a field.
That left me free to direct the graveyard scene.
So, if you're mourning, look sad.
You're just professionally sad.
Youshould be in a bikini, I think, to balance it out.
So, good, OK.
No, wait, hang on, it's a funeral.
Yeah, it should be a black bikini.
OK.
Roll cameras Back! With the graveyard done, all we had left was the closing shot.
The shot has got be quite long, because there's quite a bit of information to get in at the end.
No, the back should No! No! Yes! Yes! Get the wheels straight.
James! Yes? Do you want mourners in this shot? No.
It's untidy.
Action.
And pull out James! What? I've fallen out of the basket thing! Anyway Finally, though, our masterpiece was ready.
Argh! With its advanced, two-litre, common rail diesel engine, the new Scirocco TDI - quiet enough for any occasion.
So Bang! Now, that didn't go down very well, and it was all his fault.
Why did the car blow up at the end? Because you wouldn't let me cut one of the mourners' arms off.
Why was that woman in a bikini? Because I am a genius, and you're a fool, and that is why, after that advert was rejected, as well as all the others, we decided to split up.
Yeah, we decided we'd make one more ad each, but this time, instead of taking them to Nick and Margaret to judge, because they loathed everything we did, we thought we'd bring them here, and let you decide which one is better.
OK? And the winner, the winner gets this pair of exquisitely slim advertiser's spectacles.
Yeah! Here's mine Hear that, James? The sound of silence.
Nobody Oh No! Why are you applauding?! It's cerebral.
That would work on BBC Four, where there's no commercials! And now behold to bask in the turbulence of my magnificence.
This is my ad.
A state of emergency has been declared in Poland as the mass exodus continues Sources in Warsaw report mass panic as those left in the city make increasingly frantic efforts to escape.
.
.
thousands of people crammed into Military leaders say .
.
the country's road network.
The army says it's now powerless to prevent the ongoing mass exodus.
When in doubt, use the war.
Now, the time has come to vote.
All of those who think that James's plant advertisement has won, raise your hands.
Six or seven quite bright people in the audience.
And all those who think my Berlin one has won? YEAH! Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, thank you! Now, a special moment is upon us, because, you might have thought it had gone away, but oh, no, because we are going to do the Cool Wall! Yeah! It's here! Take them off! I can't see a damn thing.
What have we got first? We'll start off with this, it is the Ford Focus RS.
Now, this is a brilliant car, there's no denying it.
What d'you you think of it? I like it.
You like it.
It's green.
Is it relevant, is it cool? Cool.
Yeah.
Don't like the colour.
At all.
Is the car? No.
No? No, and that's odd, because he looks like he's got an ASBO.
That is the thing about this car It's brilliant.
Yeah.
But it's for the bloke who's always the first to start the singing on the aeroplane.
You know, the fellow whose holiday sombrero is too big to get in the overhead locker, and that's what he drives.
You're wrong.
Nobody who's got one has been on an aeroplane - they get stuck in airport security with their ASBO ankle bracelet.
Yes, that's It's a great car, but sadly, it's got to be.
It's got to be uncool.
The Lamborghini Murcielago SV.
What are we thinking? I'm sorry, there's a man in here Coming in! What was that? Seriously uncool.
Seriously uncool.
Come with me.
I want the ladies and gentlemen to see this.
The Amish here.
You think this is? Seriously uncool.
Would you think it's uncool? Cos it's a mad sports car.
What's the matter with mad sports cars? Seriously uncool.
How long before he stabs me? No, I think this man is representing Cos he's He's right, ladies and gentlemen! He's right? Because every time I see a man, and it is invariably a man Go back to the audience, please.
Every time I see a man getting out of one of these things, and it is invariably a man, I always think, that man is wearing a thong.
Is this just something you like to think about? I'm confused.
Nobody with boxer shorts has ever bought a Lamborghini.
What? BLEEP I bought a Lamborghini.
Oh, my God! You in a thong! Ah! Ah! No! It is, I'm afraid, not seriously uncool, but it is uncool.
Now, this is a BMW Z4.
We like this car.
Very much.
Not the old model, not for wife swappers, nobody's ever slept with somebody called Muriel who's married to Frank, who has one of these.
But we'd like to put it in the cool section of the board.
Actually, it's resisting.
Ready? It's the weirdest thing.
It won't go in the cool section, and there's a very good reason for that.
Yeah.
The good reason is, James May has said he's thinking of getting rid of his Porsche Boxster and getting one of these.
And, well, that means, that's all that can happen! That's all it'll do! We can't put it anywhere else! It won't go! Now, this is the Nissan 370-Z, OK? Now, this, as far as I can work out, is for the sort of chap who likes a stag night.
Me and the lads, you know the sort of bloke.
He's the sort that sends you those e-mails that take you ten minutes to open, and they're not funny.
That's why this is cool - you're talking about the bloke who doesn't complain because you've given him the wrong olive.
The man who has one of these has never eaten an olive - he just has pork itchings.
He's a lager lout.
No, he drinks lager, what's wrong with that? He drinks Stella.
It's just lager.
It's not just lager! You'd be at the bar, saying, "Have you got anything Italian?" This is an old gag but what are you gonna do about that? Thank you, that old favourite.
I'm hearing a strange mooing noise.
But you're mistaking this for a democracy, and it isn't one, it's a dictatorship.
Oh, dear, Hammond's gone off in a huff.
Good! Anyway, now, I want to talk about the Range Rover.
If you asked me, and you're a small boy, what is the best car in the world? I will say, it's a Bugatti Veyron, but the truth is What are you doing? Oh, yes! Oh, yeah! Woah! That'll do.
I'll tell you what.
Can you? Can you reach it there, shorty? I can still reach that.
Look, he can't reach it, poor little fella! Oh! Tell you what, from up here, it is going.
I reckon about there, there you go! What?! No! What I've just done, ladies and gentlemen, is hit the kill switch! Come on, then, come down! It doesn't work! It's broken! You see the Zonda, your favourite car in the world? Yes No! No! That's not right! See if we put it down here Yes! Oh, look.
And that.
And that.
Look, I can have so much fun! No, that's just! Can I come down now? Nnnnno.
Because it's time to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.
What can I say about my guest tonight? As the star of Rain Man, Top Gun, Days Of Thunder, Tom Cruise has almost certainly been interviewed by him.
Ladies and gentlemen, American chat show legend Jay Leno! Thank you, thank you very much! Thank you! I'll have a seat.
Have a seat! This is amazing.
You've been hosting your own show in America now for what, 17 years, five nights a week? 17 years, right.
I never thought the day would come when you'd be here! This is my favourite show.
We get it on BBC America.
I enjoy watching it.
And as soon as I got some free time, you were gracious enough to invite me, and that's why I'm here.
How can we? The world's biggest petrol head Well Apart from Geri Halliwell.
.
.
we've ever had here.
I'll get on to your show, if I may.
You recently had Obama Barack on Right.
Which makes you No, it's the other way round, isn't it? Yeah, but I'm somewhat dyslexic, so that's all right with me.
If people are gonna choose their names from Scrabble tiles, I Anyway, so, is it easy to get an American President on the show, or is it a bit complicated? It's interesting, the difference.
I had him on as a candidate twice before.
And each time he would come with his jacket like on his finger, with two guys.
As President, oh, my God.
Armies, literally armies come in.
They do a sweep of your staff, and they go, "Are you Jeremy Clarkson? Yes.
Don't come in tomorrow.
Why? I said don't come in tomorrow! What, just a background check think? If you had a joint in your sock in 1972, you don't And that's what they do.
You don't come in, you don't We were never told why.
You're just told not to come in that day.
How weird.
And does he phone work when he's arriving, or is that all shut down as well? All cellphones within So, be careful.
So, everybody within 60 miles of Barack? For key words, if there are certain key words, they will track you down and beat you senseless.
We're never more than 60 miles from the Queen here, are we? We're 60 miles from the Queen.
That's got to be comforting, hasn't it? I have to say, in terms of America.
I used to think it was like going to a prison, just with more food.
When you came home, you felt like you were coming back to a free country.
Now, it's the other way round.
You have these speed cameras here Just, nothing! Like, see, in LA, people would say, why don't you just shoot them out? Exactly.
In LA, a day doesn't go by, you don't see a Styrofoam cup stuck over the lens of a speed camera.
It's not just speed cameras, there's cameras to monitor everything.
Everything you've done since you got here.
I'm talking about at the urinals, I'm talking about in bed, sometimes.
Really? Oh, yeah, Mr Brown has been recording that.
All right.
I hope he has enough tape! Now, normally, at this stage, when we've got people here, I get to the point of the interview where I say, talk about your cars.
OK.
And they go, I've got a Honda Accord, and my wife's got a Toyota Prius, OK? I just need you to understand how big a petrol head we have here.
OK? So this is just his cars.
Ready? Dodge Viper, Packard Caribbean, Chevrolet Corvette, E-type Jaguar, Bugatti Type-37, Lamborghini Espada, Chevrolet Corvette ZR-1, Lamborghini Countach, Brough Superior, Bentley Turbo-R, Shelby Mustang 350-GT, Citroen XM, Fiat Millicento, Corvette Z-06, Bugatti Type-57, AC Cobra 427, Lamborghini Miura-S Dodge Challenger, Lagonda V-12, Bentley Speed Six, Ford Model T, another Lamborghini Miura, Dodge Challenger RT, that's page one.
There's page two.
D'you wanna see page three? There's page three.
How the hell do you decide what to go to work in in the morning? Who wouldn't do that if they could? I would, I must confess.
But see, I only have one wife.
I have one woman I have one woman and 150 cars.
Thank you! See? Women know this Wouldn't you prefer your man coming home reeking of transmission fluid rather than cheap perfume? Do you spend a lot of time going to car shows? That's really all I do, I work in my garage, I like working on cars.
You'll like this story.
I had my McLaren F1 out, I took it to a car show.
I see these two LA gang members, scary guys, tattoo, the thing on the neck with the cross, the tear on the The whole bit.
And they're looking at my car, and I'm like, "Oh, boy!" One of them says, "Gordon Murray designed this, right?" And I went, "Yeah!" Then the other guy asked about David Stephen, and I realised, I'm prejudging people.
I assumed that because they look different from me, that they're criminals.
I felt bad about this.
I said, "You ever been in one of these?" "No.
" I said, "D'you wanna go for a ride?" They said, "Yeah!" And I realised, maybe this is a mistake, OK? As big as they were outside, they were enormous in the car.
The guys' head, and when that tattoo is here, you know? With the misspelled die, and everything.
All right, so, we're driving along.
Guy goes, "Go up here in the hills, there's no traffic.
" Oh, all right, so It's not good at this point.
There's a place called Canaan Road, above Malibu.
There's some tunnels, which go through the mountain.
I said, "Tell you what, I'll nail it through the mountains, you guys have got to hear the F1 McLaren.
" I fly through the tunnel, 125.
As I come out of the tunnel, police car right here.
Pulled over.
And now I've got two gang guys They're gonna run a check on these guys, it'll be drug dealers, my McLaren will be towed, they'll drag it to impound, I'll be arrested for going 100 and Cop pulls over.
The Highway Patrolman goes, "Know how fast you're going?" The two guys go, "We're police officers.
" No way! They were undercover, they were undercover! Exactly! It was like the greatest day of my life.
That's just complete win-win.
We don't get that at the Goodwood Festival Of Speed.
A couple of gang members American drivers I was talking to Stephen Fry about this when he came on a couple of weeks ago.
One of the things we notice, if you want to change lanes, you indicate, nine times out of ten, the guy will let you pull in.
That never happens in America.
Why can't people see that you need to pull off? Because we're working on the computer, we are drinking a soda, we are doing any number of things way more important than driving.
I do a thing - called Headlines - we'd show advertisements for different products.
And one was a laptop that fit on your steering wheel, it clamped in, so you could do this And this was legal! They were selling this! It had a cup holder here, so you could work the internet while you were driving your car.
And learning so much! Now, obviously, you came here to do a lap, in a car with a steering wheel on the correct side.
The steering wheel is on the wrong side.
The spring was broken in the shifter.
Yet, in that British tradition, I soldiered on.
How did it go? OK, I mean, as long as I don't get beat by Helen Mirren, I'm OK.
Helen Mirren, where is she? Where is she? There she is, 1.
528.
I think I did better than that.
Shall we find out how Jay got on? Yes! Here's your lap, in a Lacetti.
There we go, we're off, plenty of smoke on the start.
Race car driving's like sex, all men think they're good at it.
So, you've got a smooth style there.
We could learn a lot from Oh, very smooth.
Much like the sex.
If it doesn't go well, blame it on the car.
Dressed up as Malboro Man.
Oh, I can't say that, can I? Dressed up as Cowboy Man.
That's smooth again.
That's a little better, at least I didn't miss a gear that time.
This is the Hammerhead, this is where you can make or break your lap.
You must be pleased with that.
Seems all right.
Looking good.
Looking very good coming out, maybe a little bit fast.
The Stig is quite a good instructor, consideringhe doesn't talk.
Let's have a look at this.
This is flat out through there.
Not bad.
Yeah.
Oh, that's quick! That was very quick.
Brake, down to third.
Come on, this is the hard Yes! That's what I call a corner! Now, it's Gambon.
That's Michael Gambon, around there, maybe too much understeer.
But across the line! Let's find out how you got on.
All right.
You did itin one minute Yes? .
.
40 Yes? .
.
8.
8.
You're way faster than Helen Mirren! Oh, all right.
You are In the middle of the pack.
.
.
between Doctor Who and Will Young.
Actually, I did that once in LA.
Yeah.
This is a good place.
Are you the fastest American? I'll take fastest American.
I'm just looking.
No, Mark Wahlberg! Mark Wahlberg.
You're the second fastest American! Second fastest.
Wow! There we go, Jay Leno, everybody! Jeremy, thank you, thank you, everybody! Thank you so much! Still here, obviously.
Now, at this point, I should be down there, by that car.
But I'm not, obviously, so please bear with me.
What that car is, is the Aston Martin Vantage, that's the smallest car they make.
But they just fitted it with their And Jeremy decided to take it out to see what it's like.
Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage, with a V12 engine.
So, what d'you think it's gonna be like? It is fantastic.
It's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
What it makes me feel, though, is sad.
I just can't help thinking that, thanks to all sorts of things - the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed, cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books.
I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I'm driving hereis an ending.
Good night.