Top Gear (2002) s20e05 Episode Script

Lamborghinis and Caravaning

Tonight Richard drives a new Lamborghini.
James and I go on a caravan holiday.
And a rock god is in our Reasonably Priced Car.
Thank you, everybody! Hello! Hello and welcome.
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, thanks.
Now I'm not very interested in.
The Porsche 911 and James May.
Apparently, however, there is now a new 911, which won't be new in any way at all, and James has been driving it.
Here it is.
And I agree.
In terms of appearance, it's changed rather less over the last 50 years than I have.
The interior may be more ordered, and Porsche nerds will spot that it's a couple of inches longer.
But to normal people, it looks just like another 911.
In truth, though, this is all new.
The body, for example, is now made from aluminium, which means it is much lighter - and lighter is good.
The 3.
8 litre flat-six engine has been upgraded.
There's a new seven-speed manual gearbox.
Which is fantastic.
And all new suspension, which does its job impeccably.
For 50 years, Porsche have bloody-mindedly stuck with this daft idea of building a car with the engine at the back, but half a century of consistent fiddling around and they've made it work brilliantly.
It's so good that it brought on a temporary attack of yobbishness.
Turn in, give it a little squeeze of power.
Feel it all tighten up.
How could you not like a 911? And that question brings me on to an important point.
Strange to say it, but this car has a big problem.
And that problem is classic 911 enthusiasts.
To them, this car is the work of Satan, and simply because it isn't an old This car has electric power steering, and, to be honest, I'm perfectly happy with it.
So would you be, I'm sure.
And if you put electric power steering on a Lamborghini or a Maserati, nobody would bat an eyelid.
But on a 911, this simple technical development has turned the faithful into an angry, roaring mob, storming up from the village with pitchforks and blazing effigies, shouting, "Witchcraft!" What they actually want in a new 911 is a 911 that's new and yet not new.
What they want is this the work of a small Californian company called Singer.
This looks like an old 911, and some of its parts are indeed cherry-picked from past 911s.
But the whole car is custom-built.
And, where necessary, it's peppered with modern touches.
The engine is another classic 911 But this one has been fettled by Cosworth in California, and develops 360 horsepower.
And a lovely buzz.
Gets you in there.
And although the body may look like it's come from a 1960s Porsche, almost all of it has been remodelled in carbon fibre.
The result of that is that this than a new one.
That's like taking a Harley Davidson out of the luggage compartment.
So, yes, it is a tribute band, but it can rock like the original.
No, better, actually.
The precision on the steering - you didn't feel that, obviously, because you're not in here, but it's utterly intuitive.
Look, it's an old 911, it feels old, and then I get to the hammerhead, and the brakes are tremendous.
top speed is 175 miles an hour.
But, actually, in this car, those figures are irrelevant.
The interesting thing is, they could've overdone this.
I mean, it would be possible to put the turbo engine in this car, they could have made it ludicrously powerful, but they haven't.
They've concentrated on the sensation of performance, the noise, the vibration, the feel of the steering.
That's what actually matters.
Before we go any further, you're probably wondering what all this excellence costs.
Well, the bottom line is, it's a lot.
Around £280,000, in fact.
Now, that is a lot of money for a car, I know.
But, then again, £50,000 is a lot of money for one of those Dior couture dresses, until I learned that over 2,000 hours of immaculate handiwork goes into making it.
It's the same with the car.
The monks of this monastery of the 911 have prostrated themselves before their icon and anointed it with exquisite gifts.
Each of these cars takes 4,000 man-hours to make.
And each one features unique touches - like the rev counter in this one, that goes up to 11 as a tribute to Spinal Tap.
What this is, in truth, is more than just the perfect bauble for the devoted 911 enthusiast.
What this is Well, it's a bit like the Eagle E-Type that Jeremy drove a few series back.
It's a love letter to a car.
Can I just say Hold on a minute.
That steering - what do you mean you're perfectly happy with the electric steering on the new 911? I don't think it matters.
But the steering was the defining characteristic of any of the generations of 911.
It's about how it feels.
You said how the steering feels.
I know, you're right.
You're talking about the little patter thing inside.
Well, I know what you mean.
But it's better.
But that means they've changed it.
Shut up! All 911s are exactly the same.
That's like saying all babies are the same.
They are! They are identical.
And that one that Singer has modified, that is completely different.
Oh, he's still going on about it.
It's like a sort of 911 greatest hits.
That's like a Showaddywaddy greatest hits! Can we please stop talking about the 911? Please, let's do the news, let's do the news.
OK.
And now, it's time for the news.
Porsche has announced a new 911.
Oh, for crying out loud.
I'm going.
Oh, this is going to be good! It revs to 9,000rpm.
Shut up about your glorified Beetle! It's not a Beetle, it's a magnificent thing.
That is going to be about £100,000, the end of this year, it'll be here.
It's going to be wonderful.
All right, all right.
We'll move it on.
Now, there is a new Porsche 911.
This is the Turbo and the Turbo S.
Clues to identification begin with that Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Didn't Porsche say a while back they were never going to make another 911 Turbo? Actually, they did in the '90s, they did say that.
Exactly.
So, not only are they crap engineers, they're liars.
You cannot level crap engineers at Porsche.
Yes, I can.
Yes, I can.
They haven't evolved.
They had one idea and they just produced it year after year after year.
You've got to move on.
Look at this show Maybe we can edit that out.
We'll edit that out.
So, that's interesting.
So, what you're saying is, Porsche had an idea and stuck with it, and I respect them for that.
Right, let's move onto proper news.
Oh, now, yes.
Bad news.
Mr Cameron has decided there should be a ban on internet pornography.
What are you going to do? That means we will no longer be able to look at pictures like this.
Wait a minute, is this wise?! He hasn't banned it yet.
Have a look at this.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Oooh.
That is strong pornography.
It is.
It's actually a one-off Lamborghini.
It's called the Selfish.
It's not called the Selfish.
It is.
It's called the Egoista.
It's Italian for "selfish".
Anyway, you won't be able to see that.
And nor will you be able to see this.
In what way is that pornography? Well, it's orange.
The thing is - this is a true story, OK? A friend of mine has a website, and it has an orange backdrop.
Now, in various offices and work places that have this porn filter on the internet, OK, orange is picked up as a skin tone - which, of course, it is in Cheshire, yeah? It's picked up, so it will just see that as a naked lady with a sort of vajazzle in the shape of a Renault badge.
And then it won't let anyone see it.
So Mr Cameron's porn filter is just going to stop us looking at things that are orange? Yeah, David Dickinson's had it.
He's gone! I think it's a bit more sophisticated than that.
I think it looks for words and things as well.
On search engines.
Certain words? Obviously.
Volvo.
They've had it.
Why? Well, it's a bit close to Oh, I see! What about Fuchs alloys? You're never going to be able to see a Fuchs alloy.
Bell helmets.
No.
You can't look at them.
You know we were doing the Africa special last year, and I got my BMW stuck on that termite mound thing, and I said, "Right, James, you reverse onto me, "and Hammond tug me off from behind.
" I said that.
That won't be showing up on iPlayer.
No, Mr Cameron, don't ban it.
Now, Ford has obviously decided the problem with modern cars is they don't have enough radiator grilles, so this is their new one, this is the EcoSport.
It has one, two, three, four, five radiator grilles.
It's only got a one-litre engine under there - it's going to need a blanket, it'll be draughty.
It'll be shivering in a corner, "I'm cold!" That massive car hasn't got a one-litre engine.
No, it's not massive.
It looks it, but it's basically a Fiesta on stilts, it's a small car.
Can I just say, the thing that baffles me most about this car - I'm going to quote for you here, OK? It says, "As a first in Europe, the Ford's SYNC App Link system "will offer drivers voice control of mobile apps on the move, "including the music streaming service Spotify.
" Does anyone here have the first idea what any of that means? Does anyone really know? What is it? Spotify? What is Spotify? It's a music streaming service, so you can listen to music over the internet.
Any music? Any music.
So, if I were just driving along and I said "Roxanne", it would play Roxanne? Maybe.
Well, hang on, that's not going to work.
Because we know the voice recognition in cars is rubbish - it never works, does it? So, if you just say, "The Police", it will probably actually ring the police.
No, it will! It will, it will! Because this car's got a feature on it that if you have an accident or get into problems, it calls the emergency services for you.
Well, that's just a recipe for disaster.
You'll be sitting there going, "Right, get the fire brigade," and it would play The Move! Get the fire brigade get the fire brigade! "I'm in trouble, help!" I need somebody, help! What a terrible way to die, trapped in your car, listening to all the embarrassing rubbish on your iPod.
Anyway, so that won't work.
Let's move on.
Good news, ladies and gentlemen.
Dacia has announced a special, limited-edition, black version of the Duster.
Oooh.
No, hang on a minute.
I mean, I normally go, "brilliant" and move on, but that's black like a Mercedes 6.
2 V8? No.
It's literally black.
I was going to say they've painted it black - actually, they haven't painted it.
They've done a wrap in like a bin liner.
So there's a blue edition and a yellow edition and a white one.
It's just a black car.
That's a bit daft.
Now, can I just say something? As we know, the heatwave ended spectacularly in Britain on Tuesday.
Many storms, we've got some pictures of the aftermath here.
I'm not gloating, but call me Noah.
I mean, this guy, with his BMW, very proud of it, but at that moment he's thinking, "I wish I had that hover van.
" I told you! Now, a couple of weeks ago, we drove across Spain in three budget supercars.
Lamborghini then got in touch and said they'd built one too.
Better still, they invited me over to Italy to drive it.
So, here we are.
Budget car, Lamborghini style.
The Aventador Roadster.
As you'd expect from Lamborghini, it's basically a roofless wedge of ginormous numbers.
£289,000.
The only small number? You get where I'm going.
It also handles beautifully, easily as sharp as the hardtop.
But I'm not going to spend my time today doing a big, technical assessment of this car's driving dynamics and such, because what I'm interested in is why this car perfectly sums up what's so special about Lamborghini.
You see, most sports car companies, a lot of their appeal comes down to their heritage.
Cars named after famous race tracks, famous races - Mille Miglia, Lamont, and the like.
But Lamborghini has never bothered with any of that.
Their mission has always been to make the best bedroom wall poster subjects in the world - always looking forward.
Never back.
Look at this thing.
It's just pure theatre.
Everything is dialled up to 11.
It brings out the nine-year-old inside every 40-year-old.
Middle-aged.
Early middle-aged man.
What's really astonishing is they've been pulling off this trick for 50 years now.
That's five decades of unleashing unique, flamboyant machines, each more outrageous than the last.
The thing is, that's kind of a high risk strategy, cos how do you keep doing extreme, year after year after year, for 50 years? What do you come up with next? Well, let's find out what, shall we? Because, in truth, this isn't the car they rang us about.
The car they rang us about makes this look dull.
It's called the Sesto Elemento, Italian for "sixth element".
And in the periodic table, that sixth element is carbon, which is no coincidence, because this thing is made from little else.
The prop shaft, the suspension - even the wheel rims are all forged from carbon.
And the body is made from a revolutionary blend of plastic and carbon, jointly developed by Lamborghini and Boeing.
Such an extreme car deserves an extreme location.
Which is why we've returned to the fearsome Imola racetrack.
Right.
Last time I was here, I was in a Noble M600, which, as we know, is no slouch.
Let's give it a shot.
Three Let's just do it.
It's different! That's what it is! It's super fast.
God, it nearly wheelies.
The reason it's so fast is not only because it's powered by a 570 horsepower V10, but also because, despite that massive engine, and a full four-wheel-drive system, it weighs less than a Ford Fiesta.
That means 0 to 60 in 2.
5 seconds.
The same as a Veyron.
Holy moly! Now, there are other supercars that are fast because they're light.
But no car is as extreme as this in the pursuit of shedding weight.
The Sesto Elemento doesn't even have paint.
Instead, its colour comes from flecks of crystal embedded in the bodywork.
And there's more.
These seats, they're not actually seats, they've just made these pads in a seat shape and stuck them directly onto the chassis.
And the dashboard, there isn't one.
Instead you get this exposed carbon plastic composite but what I love is the way they've done all this brutal simplicity and weight-saving in an Italian way.
It's beautiful.
This central spar looks like it belongs in a modern art gallery.
Yet despite its many unique qualities, the Sesto Elemento does share one thing with other high-end sports cars.
Its ability to empty your bank account.
I think Lamborghini has learned from Porsche the art of charging more for less.
So this thing, with its missing dashboard and seats, is, wait for it, £1.
95 million.
However, there's no time to be shocked by that because right now I'm in a £2 million hyper car and I've got it all to myself.
That moment when it turns in, it changes direction, it turns like a swallow.
Because it's light, you can break so late and because it's light it can turn so hard without tearing its own tyres off.
And because it's light, when you get out of the turn the 570-brake horsepower V10 just catapults it.
People talk about being at one with the car.
I've grown a car out of my hands and feet.
Operating the steering is just a joyous experience! It's the most alive thing I've ever driven.
It's beautiful.
Absolutely dazzling.
And when you've finished, you can get out and remind yourself you've been driving something that looks like this.
I've said for some time that Pagani have been stealing Lamborghini's crown when it comes to making the best bedroom wall poster car but I think the new boys have just been slapped down.
It's amazing.
When you say it's light.
Have you seen the windscreen? That is how light this thing is.
That's not even glass.
It was electrifying to drive because if you think, most supercars are broadly the same.
This just felt different.
It feels like the future.
I took it for a spin this morning, as, you know And what I loved about it is because it's just a Gallardo underneath it's not intimidating.
It's just fantastically fast without being terrifying.
It nimble and sharp, it's beautiful.
Anyway, we must now find out how fast it goes around our track and that means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say he's married to one of Princess Anne's hats.
And that he spent all week standing outside a hospital in London pretending to be Nicholas Witchell.
All we know he is he's called The Stig.
And away he goes.
No weight so it takes off like a housefly.
Coming up to the first corner, shunting power backwards here to drive it through maintaining grip.
That's controlled.
No stereo so no TV theme tunes mercifully.
A wiggle through Chicago.
Listen to that noise, it's spectacular.
Will it understeer or oversteer? No, it won't do either of them.
A bit of a bounce.
Stig is really on it today.
Right, follow-through.
All 570-horsepower unleashed here.
A bit of a drift.
Steady on, Stig.
Wait, he's gone! He's gone, he's lost it.
And he's on the grass.
Oh, my giddy aunt! Ooh, now that is a surprise.
That's only the second time he's ever spun off here.
But he did eventually complete a lap and I have the time here.
This is where the normal Gallardo got.
But because this is a little bit lighter, it's quick.
Faster than that.
Is it faster than the Bugatti Veyron? Yes, it is.
No way! You're not Wow! That is amazing! That's what happens when you lose weight.
So, that That is where it goes on our board and now it goes on the floor.
No, it must.
Sorry because you can't drive that on the road.
The board is for road cars only.
Those are the rules.
Absolutely and now we must move on to the film Armageddon.
Ever since I saw that I've wanted to get the actress Liv Tyler to appear in the Reasonably Priced Car.
I have nagged and nagged and finally last week she agreed to send her dad.
Apparently he's a singer in a band called Aerosmith.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Liv Tyler's dad.
I would have preferred your daughter but you'll do.
Have a seat.
You'll do.
I love you too! They're happy.
Now, yesterday we were trying to get hold of you and we were told by your people that you were walking round Stonehenge with the son of God, or, as we sometimes call him, David Icke.
No, David Icke is quite the character and I wanted to find out what it was all about so I called him up and said, "Will you take me around Stonehenge and show me around "so I can feel the energy of the place?" I would have taken you around Silverstone - it would have been more fun.
I'd have to check into rehab again with you! Yeah, you would.
Are you ever in the UK often? Not as much as I wish I was.
Not as much.
The band plays here and then we are on tour and we take off and go other places.
In the early days, you went around pretending to be Mick Jagger, as I understand.
Oh, jeez, that was 1967.
Actually I pretended to be his brother because someone said, "Are you Mick Jagger?" and I said, "No, "I'm his brother.
" And they believed me.
They chased me down the beach and I got my first hit of what it must be like to be a rock star.
And I loved it.
Now, from what I understand, unusually, you're not here because you're promoting something or a new album, you came over because you wanted to drive our Vauxhall Astra.
I did.
On Top Gear.
I did.
My Hennessy venom was very jealous.
You have a Hennessey Venom.
Does anyone here know what that is? There's nodding going on.
In essence it is a Lotus Exige.
It is, stretched out and it's the fastest road car there is right now.
I thought it hadn't quite beaten the Bugatti Veyron for the ultimate top speed.
It was 265 miles an hour, did the Venom reach? I think it beat all the records in two miles.
Oh, in two miles We've got some footage here of this car doing this record.
You really need to see this.
Here we go.
That's me on Sunset Strip! To be brutally honest, from that, which is impressive, we don't get much of an idea of what the car looks like so we've got a still of it so we can have a look.
Are they sandals? They are.
With socks.
With socks.
That's right.
There's a motorcycle you've got called a Confederate Hellcat.
I mean Phenomenal looking thing.
Have you ridden it? Oh, yeah.
You've got to hold onto the handlebars for dear life.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
The Spinal Tap mentality.
And you have a Lotus Seven as well, don't you? I have a Super Seven.
One of the first things I got.
That I get in every spring with my son and crank Brian has the top speed, does he? From AC/DC? Brian Johnson? Yeah.
Every spring I get in the car with my son, bom, dun, un, un Dun, un, unt So, if you're driving around in that with AC/DC blaring out, don't people go, "I'm sure that's the guy from Aerosmith.
" It's like me drumming along watching Fifth Gear.
Presumably you can't remember what you were driving in the '80s? A Porsche.
You think? No, I know.
Were you able to drive it ever? Hell, yeah.
I just held one eye.
Because you did a lot of spells in rehab.
Yeah, when you are in a band that still working it's kind of like living on the tail of a comet and when you are used to the curtain falling at Madison Square Garden there is a certain energy that you don't get playing ping-pong after the show.
You want to go back with the twins and drink yourself under the table.
We're not at the watershed yet! With some twins and play table tennis with them.
And is Aerosmith coming back, will we be seeing Aerosmith? We're on tour right now.
We just did Singapore for the first time and we are off to Japan, China and South America so we are out.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
Where'd you think I got the whatwithal to drive that thing around the track? This is it.
We are coming onto your lap now.
How was it? You know what, my mum used to say don't ever be afraid, she said amateurs built the Ark and pros built the Titanic.
Meanwhile, I got in this car and I was scared to death.
I've never been on a racetrack before ever.
Really? Ever.
Ever.
And I didn't know where I was going.
The thing is though I was actually Had one ear on the track and I heard a noise that sounded biblical.
It sounded like you changed first, second, third, fourth, first.
That's what it was.
And there was a noise of tremendous strain and breakage.
Yeah.
Was it badly damaged? We had to change cars.
You did.
Presumably it's because you are used to driving on the wrong side of the road.
The wrong side First of all, I'm listening to The Stig talking to me like this I went, "Right on!" And I got ears in as if I can hear anyway with the rock'n'roll all these years and I'm on that side of the car and I'm shifting with this hand.
So I had to pull all that together.
Who would like to see Steven's lap? In the spare car, let's have a look.
Steven Tyler from Aerosmith in the Vauxhall.
Come on, Steve McQueen.
Coming to me, baby.
Come on.
Looking good there.
Oh, but not fast.
And around the first corner.
No accidents there.
Did it again.
You don't want to miss a thing.
But you missed third.
And you missed the apex.
But here we go.
Tragic! But it sure is fun.
Here we go, hammerhead.
Understeer, oversteer.
Any speed at all? I'm in the lines.
You were between the lines.
That was very tidy.
And you've used nearly all the road apart from these three metres.
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
Yeah.
Did you keep your foot hard down through there? You did.
Good man.
And through there? Yeah.
Stig did that earlier and crashed.
Bet he didn't mention that.
Right, another apex not quite here and what about Gambon? Oh, yes it's wide but there we are, ladies and gentlemen, across the line.
Well done.
Damage report.
Damage report.
Damage reports.
Well, in fact we're bookended by Mike Rutherford out of Genesis, and then Brian at the top and other people in the middle.
I've got the time here.
Let's have a look.
It was a one.
Then I'm afraid it was five.
Oooh! Then there was another one.
But happily for you it was a nought.
So, you are not actually the slowest we've ever had.
No wonder The Stig kept saying would you like to go round one more time? I'm looking for something I can give you that's a crumb of comfort.
You're not the fastest American because that would be Ron Howard.
Not the fastest You're 65 now, aren't you? Cor blimey.
You're not the fastest pensioner because that's Brian Johnson, you're not the fastest You're just not very good at driving a Vauxhall Astra.
That's all.
You should have sent Liv.
I should have sent my son, Taj.
Is he good? Oh, he's great.
No, you still should have sent Liv.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a huge pleasure.
Steven Tyler.
Now, on this show we like to test cars for everybody - rock stars, billionaires, Arab oil sheiks.
We like to think we're more inclusive than the BBC regional news programme.
But there's one group of motorists that we always ignore.
caravannists.
Yes, and because there are half a million caravans in Britain, we buy more caravans than any other European nation, the producer said that Jeremy and I should address this issue.
Yes, they told us to do a proper comparison test like they do in Which? magazine and they told us not to muck about.
These are the cars caravannists like.
Jacked-up diesel hatchbacks with part-time four-wheel-drive so we can deal with muddy campsite.
They're all terrible.
I know they're all terrible but they're very popular.
The Nissan Kumquat is the sixth bestselling car in Britain.
We have to decide which one of these is best.
You mean the least worst.
All right, the least worst.
Right, you pick a key and we'll start with that.
Here we go.
I think this is how most caravanners end up with their cars.
They just get the keys from a bowl at a party.
Toyota RAV4.
Here it is, it has a 2.
2 litre engine, prices start at £22,000.
However, it does sit in a rather high insurance group and for that reason, because we have to be ruthless, we must eliminate it straightaway.
Good work, James.
Crisp delivery, full of facts.
However, this is a Mitsubishi Outlander.
Is it? It's not a RAV4.
They all look exactly the same.
To try and find some differences, we took them all for a spin and very soon we came to a startling conclusion.
They're all exactly the same to drive as well - they are all very dreary.
Let me explain my problem with cars of this type.
This is a Honda Civic, this is a Honda CRV.
They have exactly the same engine, they seat the same number of people and they have the same level of crash protection and safety.
But caravanners choose the CRV, which is more expensive to buy, more expensive to run and nowhere near as nice to drive because it suits their annual holiday requirement.
And that's like clomping around in ski boots all year because every February you go to the Alps.
I mean, I like snorkelling but I don't go shopping every day in a face mask because it saves me the bother of As Jeremy ranted on, I drew up a big chart showing all the facts that caravannists care about.
Insurance, CO2 emissions, maximum towing weights and so on.
And with this, we could start to see what's what.
This is the chart our researchers have drawn up.
And straightaway we can see there's a problem with the Peugeot 3008 which is the blue one.
It's the brown one.
Well, whatever.
Look here.
The maximum towing weight on average is two tonnes, the Chevrolet two tonnes, the Ford is 2.
1, two tonnes, two tonnes.
But the Peugeot, because it's a hybrid, it can only pull half a tonne.
It couldn't even pull me.
It's a good point, it's significant and the Nissan Kumquat may be the sixth bestselling car in Britain but look, 1.
4 tonnes against generally two tonnes.
We'll eliminate both those This is very professional work we're doing here! And I think we must turn now to price, because I'm just looking here at the Chevrolet Captiva, it's over £28,000.
And look at its insurance group! Yes, and the road tax because it's not that good on emissions.
So you'd eliminate the Captiva for being too expensive? Yes, and I would like to draw your attention to this, the SsangYong Korando.
Under £19,000, can you see anything wrong with that? Yes, I'd rather have warts.
'We spent several hours going through all the numbers 'in a professional, caravan club-type way, 'until we were left with just two cars.
'The Mazda CX-5 and the top-selling Volkswagen Tiguan.
'On paper, both are well priced and both have low emissions 'and frugal diesel engines, but which is the least worst?' To find out, we've devised a series of caravan-relevant tests, starting with, "Which one can do the best J-turn?" 'The Mazda went first.
' OK, here we go.
Ready, brake and spin it round into first, and away.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
'But before I tried the VW, there was a problem.
' What does he want? James! He says it's not What does he want? He says it's not very relevant to caravanning.
What isn't? J-turns.
Don't caravanners do J-turns? He says no.
Well, there we are, so that's not a relevant test, as it turns out.
'To get a better idea of what tests we should be doing, 'we were told to spend a day with our cars living like caravannists.
' Er, right, James is in the wrong car.
Cock! 'First of all, we decided to go to something called the tip, 'which we'd been told is something caravannists do a lot.
' There's one there that you can throw your bra in.
Why would you throw your bras away? Or your clothes? Or your mobile phone, why would you throw your mobile phone away? Look! Washing machines! "What shall we throw away today, darling?" "The spin dryer, shall we throw that away? "What's for supper?" "I've thrown the cooker away.
" Cos that's what they've done.
They've just come and thrown their cookers away.
It's brand new! That man just pulled up in his Mercedes and threw this away.
It's dirty but it even Look, barcode! He's just bought this from a shop, come down here and thrown it away.
She's got something else.
Is it massive? It's the wardrobe door.
She's just taken the door off the wardrobe and thrown it away.
'Before leaving this strange place 'we did something else caravanners enjoy.
'We washed our cars.
' 'And then we went to caravannist heaven.
' Is this any good? Well, there's some chain.
Plastic sheeting.
"Suitable for domestic use.
" We need a bit more heavy duty.
Wait a minute.
'Soon our trolley was full of many things 'we thought caravanners might buy.
' Quick lines, shovels Zinc tub, axes Duct tape, saws, rope.
'We then took all our new stuff to the tip 'and threw it away.
' 'Having washed our cars again' '.
.
we set off for the garden centre, and on the way, 'I tried to solve a knotty problem.
' Last year, in Britain, 10,500 people bought a Volkswagen Tiguan.
Even though the Mazda is less expensive to buy, it uses less fuel, it's cheaper to insure, it's kinder to Johnny Polar Bear, so the road tax is cheaper.
So why? What's wrong with it? What is it that puts a caravanner off this car? 'At the garden centre, I thought I'd found the answer.
' What was that?! What did I just hit? It's got automatic brakes! It stopped without me asking it to, cos it thought I was going to hit the hedge.
Get in.
Right.
Try and run me down.
Oh, all right.
Now, if this doesn't work, you all heard him say, "Try to run me down.
" Urgh! 'In order to be even more thorough, I decided to test it on James' car.
' Here we go, ready.
'You fooled it.
' 'A bit baffled, 'we went back to the job of getting into a caravanning state of mind.
' Pansies, there we go! Are those petunias? Look at that.
That is a duck.
That is a duck.
Put it in the book.
'Things were going well, but as night fell, 'I realised the earlier crash had broken my Mazda's intercooler.
' Engine inspection required, there's an engine warning light, every warning light there is.
Right, this is not going much further, so I'm going to shove it in that car park over there and we'll just wait for a tow truck.
'Weirdly, this remote woodland car park 'was full of other cars just like mine.
' Look at this.
This is really clever.
You can have one interior light on, or two, or all four.
Dim, bright, dim, bright.
Dim, bright.
This is so dirty.
That's got it.
There you go.
Is that Stan Collymore over there? Flash your lights.
Yeah.
No! No, it's Phil Mitchell.
'We were waiting in the car park for quite some time.
'And the following morning, the memories were still with us.
' 'But having spent the day as caravanners, 'we did at least know how we SHOULD be testing our cars.
' 'So, we put the Stig into the VW, 'hitched it up to a caravan 'and asked him to set a lap time.
' Three, two, one, go! What just fell over in there? Scrabble.
We should explain, the Volkswagen has a part-time four-wheel drive system which will cut in should sensors detect he's about to lose control.
He probably is there.
Now there can be feeding power to the back end as well.
He's through.
He's through, he's looking good there, looking good.
Coming up to Chicago.
Bit wobbly! He's very wobbly there! Look at that, he's completely sideways.
He's gathered it up with an armful of oppo, which is what you should do if that happens.
That's a five-wheel drift! Top speed of the Tiguan with the caravan attached is just 70mph.
Whoa! But look at that.
This, I think, is an object lesson for caravanners.
There's no need to dawdle, you really can get your foot down.
The wheel! No! It's come off! He's still going.
I know he is! We should move back.
He's coming in a shower of sparks towards the line.
And across the line! Two minutes, 15.
82.
So there we are.
'Next, it was the turn of the Mazda.
' Three, two, one Oh-h-h-h! Right, now, we should bear in mind the Mazda has ten more horse powers than the Volkswagen.
It has 30 or 40 more torques.
'In theory, then, it should be faster.
'However' Smoke coming off the brakes.
Smoke pouring off the brakes! Whoa! 'Having declared the Tiguan the victor by default, we took the Stig to the tip and threw him away.
'Then, as we were leaving, the producers ambushed us 'with a challenge.
' "You are stupid idiots.
" Er, hello! Ooh! "J-turns and high-speed laps with the Stig are not relevant.
"In order to determine which of your cars is actually best, "YOU will now do some caravanning.
" Really? I knew it would come to this.
Go on.
"We have booked one luxury space at an exclusive caravan site "in the prestigious New Forest.
"The one who arrives last sleeps the night.
" 'The start point was several miles away from the site.
'So, while James applied some comedy stickers to his Hurricane XL 'and my Hurricane GTX, I studied the map.
' So, there's the caravan site.
Now, I could drive to it on the roads, but that would be anti-social, I would hold people up, people who are going about their lawful business.
Er, so why don't I just drive cross-country? I mean, it's It's not exactly the Himalayas, is it? 'With our vans loaded 'we were ready to go.
' Hey! No, no, no, no.
Ah-ha-ha! Yes, the mighty! No! No, no, how's he done that?! 'Annoyingly, James had not only taken the lead 'but he'd also had the same idea as me about going off-road.
' That's tracking straight and true.
No way Jeremy can get past here.
Trying for an overtake.
Not happening.
Come on, May! 'Soon, we had different ideas about which way to go.
' Urgh! It's a bit choppy but I think it's shorter.
'And with Mr Slowly out of the way, 'I could unleash the more powerful Mazda.
' Come on! Ye-e-e-es! Agh! Up we go.
It's amazing the ease with which the CX-5 is pulling the Hurricane GTX.
This is what this car was designed to do.
Get you the best plot on the campsite.
Oh, no! No! 'Meanwhile, my shortcut had got a bit boggy.
' So nearly out.
If I could just get it to climb up onto that other ratty bit That's coming, here we go.
Yes! Ha-ha! If you've got one of these, you can do that! 'I, meanwhile, had found a track where I could go even faster.
' Yeah, that is very quick now.
It's good, looking good.
'However' Oh, look at this.
The sheer torque of the has ripped the front from the Hurricane.
'And I couldn't back off because suddenly James was right behind me.
' Hee-hee! Coming up on me, he's gaining! 'And then' Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh, no.
This is disastrous, I'm actually driving through Jeremy's caravan! James, are things as bad back there as I suspect they are? Well, let me put it this way, I've run over your left hand wall.
Oh, and your portable lavatory! 'Then, things got even worse.
' Now we're on somebody's lawn! Come on, come on, mighty 2.
2 litre diesel! Oh, no! A very big catastrophe has befallen me! I could actually overtake now but this is too amusing.
I've got to! 'Sadly, I was laughing so much, 'I crashedinto myself.
' I've spun! 'This, combined with Jeremy's drastic weight loss, 'meant he could scamper away.
' caravanning at its best.
'And by my reckoning, the site was now just a couple of miles away.
' Victory now is mine, I will not be sleeping in what remains of the van.
Whoa, it's a biggie! 'Worried that I might be sleeping in my van 'I kept my foot hard down.
' Hurricane XL holding up well.
Ooh, bloody hell! Ha-ha! The XL refuses to die! 'I, meanwhile, had arrived at the site 'and was looking for the prestigious Plot 200.
' Where's Plot 200, Plot 200? Yes, in here, by this stagnant pond.
Plot 200 is vacant, which means I don't have to stay in it.
Yes! So, there we are.
After the most exhaustive caravan test in all of history, we have established that The Volkswagen Tiguan is NOT the best tow car.
Oh, is that James? No way! Plot 200, James, it's all yours! Where's the?! I claim the moral victory.
Why a moral victory? I've still got a caravan.
Well, not really! You haven't got a wheel, where's the wheel gone? Well, what's that?! Anybody like a cup of tea? Yes? Jolly good.
Excellent.
Really thorough.
A proper grown-up test.
Guys, I must say, it was great to see you two actually being sensible for once.
But, if I might have a word, your conclusion, you said the Mazda was best.
But, let's be honest, a 3mph impact destroyed its intercooler.
That is true.
That did happen, yes.
And in fairness, it was so powerful it actually tore a caravan to pieces.
It did, it did.
And so, on that basis, I would have the VW Tiguan.
Well, no, you see, the thing is, I wouldn't, because a Volkswagen Golf is £4,000 less expensive than a Tiguan, so I'd buy one of those.
Then I'd take the £4,000 that I'd saved to the tip and throw it away.
No, what I'd do, actually, I'd spend the £4,000 on a fortnight's holiday in the south of France in a HOTEL.
Have we just done some actual consumer advice there? Yes, I think we have.
Yeah, we have.
We have also managed to go through a whole show without mentioning the Royal baby! Yes, we have.
So, on those two bombshells, it is time to end.
Thank you very much for coming.
Thank you for watching, good night!