Top Gear (2002) s20e06 Episode Script

Jaguar F-Type

Tonight, I point at some fields, Richard minces round a corner, and James describes his ideal night in.
Vomit and sputum, and other bodily secretions.
Hello, good evening.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, we begin, we begin with the Range Rover Sport.
After eight years, it's gone out of production.
They are not going to make any more.
And this is a good thing, because there's always been one major problem with it, as Richard Hammond shall now explain.
Here we are, then.
The soon-to-be deceased Range Rover Sport.
There are many things you might object to about this car.
But the biggest problem has always been very simple.
It's the badge - Range Rover Sport.
First of all, underneath this is the chassis of a Land Rover Discovery so it's not a Range Rover, and because it's the chassis of a Land Rover Discovery, it weighs nearly three tonnes.
So it's not sporty either.
Its success hinged on appealing to people who didn't know that, or indeed, anything.
Basically, this car was only bought by two types of people - footballers and people who were married to footballers.
And the Sport's stamping ground is this place.
The Premier League ghetto of Wilmslow in Cheshire.
Genuine Georgian electric gates right there.
And there.
And there.
Georgian security cameras.
Manicured lawns, very popular for spit-roast barbecues.
Apparently, they drink more champagne per head here than in any other county.
The people of Wilmslow are going to miss this car, but before they start weeping onto their marble breakfast bars, I have some good news.
Because now there is a new one.
With prices starting at £50,000, it's cheaper than a proper Range Rover and because it's available with seven seats, it's more practical, as well.
But like I said at the beginning, the old Range Rover Sport was a bit of a fraud.
The question must be, is this one really a Range Rover and is it a Sport? Let's start with that first bit.
No matter how much wood and leather it's fitted with, the mark of a real Range Rover is being able to tackle this sort of stuff.
Important work being done, coming through.
Well, the first thing you need to know is that this is not a Discovery in a Range Rover frock.
It has the proper Range Rover chassis and the same terrain response system, as well.
This analyses the ground you're driving over and automatically adjusts the suspension, gearbox, brakes and engine output to suit.
Big, big, almost vertical hill now! Very steep, very steep, very muddy.
That is that is a climb.
Well done, you.
Besides the terrain response, there's also a computer that disconnects the anti-roll bars to increase wheel articulation.
We're over.
I mean, that was a big old cross-axling hump to get over.
It didn't even notice! And there's more.
Ah! Water.
Gives me a chance to play with something else I have on board and that is sonar.
Kid you not! Sonar transmitters and receivers in the door mirrors measure the depth of the water.
It will make a big noise if it's getting too deep.
It's not worried, not worried.
I feel like I'm driving a luxury hotel room through a swamp.
Oh-ho! That's steep! Just pretty much like it never There, I think I've repaired that.
More or less.
That's how it was.
So, there we are.
This car, in the right hands, is very good off-road.
And now, we must move on, to this bit of the badge.
Welcome to Donington Park racetrack, and if the Sport is as sporty as Land Rover claims, it should put on a good show here.
Now, you can get these with a V6 or a V8 diesel.
The one I'm in is the supercharged petrol V8 with 503-brake horsepower, so that is the power taken care of.
And because it's built on the brand-new all-aluminium chassis of the proper Range Rover, it's getting on for half a tonne lighter than the old Sport.
That turn, lift, and then it comes around and then bang! and off you go! And as well as the weight loss, the computer-controlled suspension fights body roll, and there's an active rear diff like you'd get on a BMW M5.
It also has something called torque vectoring, which dictates how much power is sent to each of the wheels and when.
I mean, that is supercar stuff.
That's what you get on the McLaren 12C road car.
What's staggering me right now is that hurling this car around this racetrack, it doesn't feel like I'm asking it to do anything it doesn't want to do.
It feels at home.
All in all, on a track, it's good.
But how good? Well, to find out, we must, as ever, call on the help of the world's chattiest racing driver.
Today, The Stig is in a Mini John Cooper Works GP, one of the most hardcore hot-hatches you can buy.
And now, he's going to use it to set a lap time.
When you're ready go! Now, let's find out if that can be beaten by the big, bulky four by four.
And to oversee proceedings, I shall ride shotgun.
The beauty of this is, he has no idea what that last car was called, no idea what he's in now.
Doesn't care.
No bias, you see.
All he can do is try and go as fast as he can.
And we're off! Head towards the first corner, not braking at all for the first corner.
Oh, that's very, very quick down there! Some wee might have come out there.
Whoa! Brakes work.
That's good.
I'm not worried about putting him off because this is just like a quacking noise for him.
It's irrelevant.
It's worth remembering about now that this is still a very big, heavy car.
It weighs more than the heaviest Mercedes S-class.
But even at Stig speed, the Sport seemed to have everything in order.
We should be The Leaning Tower of Range Rover Sport right now, but somehow we're not.
It's fantastic! We just crossed over a minute.
That's the longest protracted tyre squeal in the history of tyres and squealing.
Oh, that is My, that was flying.
Chicane! That is fast.
And on to the final straight.
So, after years of writing cheques it can't cash, this car has finally earned the right to be called the Range Rover Sport.
Massively better than the old one.
Massively better.
And definitely worthy now of the Range Rover Sport badge, but I'd still prefer to have the big proper Range Rover.
No, because if you buy the big one, you'll spend half your time wishing you'd saved 20 grand and bought the Sport.
No, because you see, the thing is, the proper Range Rover has a split tailgate, which all Range Rovers should have.
That one doesn't have this.
No, but the Range Rover Sport is better looking.
It's better to drive, and you can get it with seven seats.
Yes, but when I take my dogs for a walk, OK, they leap out and I look at that and think, "Yes! You know what, I'll have a nice sit down.
" So your walks are spent sitting down? Yeah, I like sitting down.
What, so you'd spend £20,000 basically on a bench? Why wouldn't you buy the Sport and one of those folding chairs from a petrol station for a quid? But it isn't just the bench.
This is bigger, and bigger, as we know, is always better than smaller.
Well, not always, not in Not in bruises, it's not.
Not bruises, no.
Premium Bond wins.
Heart attacks.
Erm Fireworks.
Unexpected bills.
Ladies, can you think of anything which is better when it's bigger than smaller? Now, the news.
And a couple of weeks ago, on the way back from the show, going along the A3, I was held up for an hour and a half by an accident.
When I eventually got to the front of the queue, expecting a scene of devastation, I found a Fiat 500 with the bumper hanging off at one end Oh, no! Two of the three lanes closed, and then just a load of people in uniforms sort of milling about.
These people in uniform, James, let me guess, were they by any chance Highway Agency Traffic Enforcement Officers? Ah, yes.
I knew they would be.
We've spoken about these people before and I think we should speak about them again because they were employed by the Highways Agency to keep the roads open, and all they ever do is shut them.
As soon as they get their first job, "Right, must close the road.
" "Dislodged door mirror? Close the road.
" "Child a bit carsick? Close the road.
" "Someone says they've got whiplash? Close the road.
It's serious.
" Whiplash, by the way, is not a serious injury, it's insurance fraud.
And that's all they do and they've got to be stopped.
I think they should only be allowed to close the road if certain words are being used to describe the incident.
"Inferno", "crater", "apocalyptic.
" "Felt in Japan.
" Yes.
"Can't find the head.
" Yes, yes.
If Sally Traffic says that on the traffic report, "Can't find the head", then you can think about closing the road.
But you still have to ring somebody for permission and that is me.
I'd basically never give them permission.
I would remind them that their job is to clear up litter.
They are, as you once described, they're basically Wombles.
Yes, it's a lovely job and they should appreciate what they've got.
It's fun.
They can work underground, overground.
They could make good use of the things they find.
Yes, they could.
Things that everyday folk just leave behind.
What an opportunity.
I think we should dress them up like actual Wombles.
Come on, who wouldn't want to see a Womble by the side of the road? I wouldn't mind being stopped by a Womble and it would be good for your own safety because nobody would want to run over a Womble, would they? You'd be careful.
You'd be heartbroken! They wouldn't need hi-vis.
Now, the Royal Mail, as we know, often issues commemorative stamps.
They pick on a subject like woodpeckers or hats or diseases.
Diseases?! Anyway, they've decided to do a range of stamps based on classic British motoring cars.
I've got some of the ones they've done for you here.
There's the Lotus Esprit.
This isn't the actual size of the stamp.
I did wonder! This is a mock-up.
They've got the Lotus Esprit and they've got the Aston Martin DB5 and if you don't want your letter to get there, the MG.
Oh, God, look at that, dismal.
The Ford Anglia police car.
Now that is a Ford Anglia.
The scariest thing I've ever done in how many years have been testing cars, 25 years? 80.
80 years.
In 80 years, was doing an emergency stop in one of those.
My dad lost his kneecaps in one of those.
I don't mean lost them, like, "Where are they?" They'll be under the seat.
He crashed it and they had to take his kneecaps out, after crashing a Ford Anglia.
And now they've put it on a stamp.
That's more dreadful heritage Britain nonsense, isn't it? It gets worse, look at that one! That is The Archers as a postage stamp.
Why don't they put something modern on it? You could put the McLaren or the Bentley Mulsanne on it, that would be fantastic on a stamp.
I mean, the French wouldn't do a stamp that had an old bloke on a bicycle and a stripy T-shirt with some onions, would they? That's what that is! The Germans wouldn't do a stamp with a half-track just outside Warsaw.
No, they really wouldn't.
No, Jeremy, definitely, they wouldn't do that.
They wouldn't, would they? No, anyway, let's move on.
Now Mazda and Alfa Romeo have announced they're going to do a joint project to make a small sports car.
Mazda will call theirs the MX5, Alfa will call theirs the Spider.
The trouble is, Alfa Romeo once did this in the past.
They teamed up with Nissan, remember this? Yes.
They teamed up with Nissan and we thought, what a great plan.
Alfa does the styling and the engine and then Nissan builds it.
But they did it the other way around.
Yeah, they did.
It was the stupidest decision in history.
This is what we got, ladies and gentlemen.
The Arna.
Oh, dear.
Style by Nissan, built by Alfa Romeo.
It's a bit like going to Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy and saying, "Right, Abbey, you take the penalty and Peter, you model bikinis.
" It's that idiotic.
They couldn't be more wrong.
So for this MX5/Spider, job one, make sure Mazda build it.
That's essential.
Mazda do the building.
Alfa do the styling, engine? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Alfa do the engine and the styling, but welding, soldering, doing up the bolts, that's Mazda's job.
I really do want to see this Alfa Mazda.
I think an MX5 Spider joint-venture, that could be brilliant.
Now I want to move it onto something really important.
A few months ago there was a bit of a brouhaha about town centres in Britain dying, all the shops closing down.
And we suggested on this show that this is because you aren't really allowed to park anywhere in a town centre, so people go to out-of-town shopping centres, where you can park.
We said they needed to relax the parking arrangements.
Well, we have a powerful ally.
Do we? Is it Barack Obama? No, not Barack Obama.
Darth Vader? No, Eric Pickles.
Who's Eric Pickles.
I've no idea.
Do you not know who he is? Well, he's not Darth Vader, is he? Eric Pickles, I can actually draw him.
Cos he's got an incredibly small face, he's got a small face and then he's got really quite a big head.
So he actually looks like that.
He doesn't look like that.
He does.
Put a proper picture of him on the screen.
Oh, God, he looks like that.
He does look like that.
That's amazing.
What a fabulous arrangement.
Look at that.
You can draw him, it's really quite good.
You can have your own personal Eric Pickles on your thumb.
Wow! It's Eric Pickles! That's brilliant.
I like his face.
That's a good face.
Excellent facework.
Anyway, Eric has said, OK, and he is a government minister, he said that you should be allowed to stop on a single yellow or a double yellow line just for a few minutes, while you pop into a shop to get a pint of milk.
That sounds like perfectly good common sense.
"I'm just popping in to the shop, out in a minute.
" Hang on, though.
This is the BBC, let's not forget, so in the interests of balance and impartiality, I will think of why that isn't a good idea.
It's a great idea.
So there we are, we've addressed all the problems and we can say, Mr Pickles, implement it straight away or we shall park on your substantial face.
To be fair, you could get about ten cars on there.
If you look, he's got a mini-roundabout on his chin.
I like the sound of Eric Pickles.
He sounds brilliant! He talks good sense and he's called Eric Pickles.
I think we should have him on the show in the Reasonably-Priced Car, but here's the spin, here's the trick.
We tell him the reasonably-priced car is an Ariel Atom, because I've got a wobbly face that goes a bit like that.
Imagine what his face would be like! It could go inside out entirely.
Who here thinks we should get Eric Pickles on the show? Come on, Eric! Please come on Top Gear.
We want you.
Moving on, a lot of carmakers have got it into their heads that anyone who spends £300,000 plus on a car will want only two seats and an absolutely enormous top speed.
The Lamborghini Aventador, for example.
And that's great, but what if you're not really interested in speed and you want more than two seats? Well, how about this? It is the long-awaited replacement for the Routemaster.
It costs £330,000 and it's known, rather unimaginatively, as the NBFL, the new bus for London.
But could it be used as a private car, I wonder? Could this, in fact, be the NCFS, the new car for Somerset? So, here we are and the first problem you notice with the new London bus is that it's a bit complicated.
So you can't just get in it and go.
'Tyre system pressure OK.
' Ignition system.
Here we go.
'Tyre system pressure OK.
' Hang on! 'Tyre system pressure OK.
' Oh, bollocks.
Eventually, though, if you press absolutely everything it will actually start and set off.
Look at me! Look at my big steering wheel.
Sorry! But how does it get on as a car? Well, if I'm honest, it is quite wide.
And, yeah, all right, very occasionally the height is an issue.
Cocking Nora! But even though it's 35 feet long, it's not hard to drive at all.
The steering is light and quite direct.
It lacks the crispness that you find in, say, the Ferrari 458 but it's not bad.
What's more, unlike most cars in a similar price bracket, it's extremely home-grown.
It's not something that's just been badged up over here.
It's all made in Britain.
The chassis, the bodywork, the glass.
It keeps British people employed, it promotes British skill, it advertises workmanship.
This is a dead-end.
Cock! How did I do? It didn't say dead-end at the beginning of the road.
'This, then, would be a good place to test manoeuvrability.
' Right, I can go right up to that because I'm right at the front of the bus.
'This did attract a crowd.
'But if you try doing a three-point turn in a Lamborghini, 'you get a crowd, as well.
' 'Tyre system pressure OK.
' Oh, God.
Can you look at the back for me? Can you check I don't knock a building over? It's like Victorian Britain.
I've employed some children to do something useful.
'The only difference is that people do tend to mistake this for a bus.
' Mind the dog! '.
and get on it.
' Oi! God above! Get off, you pesky, meddling kids.
Off, off! Off, off.
No mobile phones, no pressing the button.
Off, off, off, off.
Stay of the bus.
I've locked myself out.
I've locked myself out of the bus.
'Having sorted out the problem with pliers, 'I immediately crashed into a Volkswagen Beetle.
' Yi-yi-yi! 'And then I nearly hit a bridge.
' God, this is exhausting.
But with the road ahead mercifully free of traffic, there was time to talk about some of the bus's high-tech features.
It's a hybrid bus, this.
It has a diesel engine and it has an electric motor.
The electric motor always drives the wheels.
The diesel engine generates electricity for the batteries.
So it is actually like a Fisker Karma.
The 0-60 time is not quoted.
Primarily because it won't do 60.
But it will accelerate at one metre per second.
And that's good.
That means people standing up won't fall over.
So what about the styling? Well, it was created by the same people who did the amazing Olympic cauldron.
And they've done another great job on this.
From the back, it looks like Phil Oakey's haircut, out of The Human League.
All right, it is quite boxy.
But that's because it's a bus.
A point that becomes obvious when you step inside.
Over its lifetime, it's reckoned that about four million people will get on and off it so it is a bit of a collection point for vomit and sputum and other bodily secretions.
So this floor, rubberised cork for grip, with drainage channels, so that the blood runs out.
There are three doorways and two staircases so that desperate teenagers can get upstairs as quickly as possible.
There are 16 CCTV security cameras on board, and this upholster, which is inspired by that used on the original Routemaster, so that we find it comforting and familiar.
And then there's this, which I particularly like.
This screen tells you when you get on the bus whether or not the top deck is full, so you don't waste your life going up and down the stairs.
Now, handling.
On a road like this, in a supercar, you'd be clammy-handed and frightened, but in my bus, I was very relaxed.
Da-da, da-da-da And this got me thinking.
How would the bus cope with a track day? Now you might think we're just being deliberately silly in a Top Gear, sort of, way, but are we? Because the NBFL has a lot of features that you'd want in a track day car.
It's rear-engined, like a Porsche It has massive tyres.
And then if we move down to the front we find excellent all-round visibility, a lofty, commanding driving position that will give me a good view of all the bends.
Unfortunately, while that sounded good in the paddock, there were some issues.
Bandits on my six.
Yobbo! On the straights, for instance, it was woefully slow.
More speed! But in the corners, you could at least behave like a bus driver.
I've shut the door on the Porsche.
Your Oyster card is about to expire! And across the line! Thank you.
I have never enjoyed my time on a race track as much as that.
In fact, I enjoyed my whole day with the bus.
There are a few drawbacks.
Parking, fuel consumption, reversing, but all that is true of the Bugatti Veyron, as well.
On the plus side, it's roomy, it's distinctive, and it's extremely nice to drive.
All in all, I think it would make a super car.
Hang on.
Hang on a minute.
What? Have you completely taken leave of your senses? Are you seriously proposing THIS as an alternative to THIS? No, look, Hammond, let me explain.
Lord Sir Sugar, he is a wealthy man, but he's not interested in doing nought to 60 in two seconds, is he? If he had one of these, he could take all his mates, well, if he's got any, and have a lovely day out.
It's hardly practical, is it? No, Hammond, I think he's onto something.
Oh, for God's sake No, no, because if you wanted a Lexus LFA, but you'd had a papal attitude to birth control - a lot of children - this is ideal.
Exactly right.
And you don't have to drive, you could get somebody to drive it for you.
You could call him the, I don't know, the bus driver.
Oh, for crying out loud! Hang on, how's this for an idea? You get the local authority to buy the bus and then you can just use it now and then in return for a small fee.
No, James, that would be communism.
Anyway, it's time now to put a star in our reasonably-priced car.
Now, my guest tonight is an Australian who lives in Britain, but, unusually, he doesn't work in a pub.
Instead, he works in the marketing department of a large energy drinks company and he's just handed his notice in.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mark Webber.
Mark Webber! How are you? Have a seat.
Have a seat.
One of the most popular figures, I say, in Formula 1.
Now, we have so much in common.
We have the same body fat index, I know that.
Why are you laughing? Exactly the same.
But the main thing we have in common, apart from the same body fat index, is cycling.
I'm now a cyclist.
I hear it's a new passion for you.
And you, of course, are well-known as a cyclist.
You do a lot of competing.
I've done a little bit over the years.
Somebody said you are the fittest driver.
I'm in reasonable shape.
I think all the guys are fit now.
If you're the fittest Formula 1 driver, you've got to be one of the fittest athletes.
If we did lots and lots of different challenges, I think, yeah.
That would be good.
Let's get you all playing all the different sports.
Do you play football? Ours or your silly football? We won't get onto the Lions and Australia.
We'll leave that well alone.
Somebody's here.
Somebody understands what you're on about.
Lions and Wallabies, we really enjoyed that.
And the Ashes.
You must have really enjoyed living here these last few years.
I thought the previous Ashes was quite a good series.
I mean, all the South Africans played well for you guys.
So how much mileage have you done on the bike? On the bike? I've done three.
Three miles.
One thing I will say about cycling is, it is, well, it's pretty dangerous.
Over the years, you've had a number of car accidents, let's be honest.
If you race cars, you'll crash cars.
We've got a photograph of a crash.
I believe it was at Le Mans.
A still photo.
Yeah, this is you in a Mercedes.
I say car crash, that is a plane crash going on.
How did that happen? Actually, in that era, the late 90s, the cars were super unsafe, so a lot of cars were flying.
Just the regulations.
So you're sitting in there, thinking? I'm thinking, obviously I'm now out of control.
Believe it or not, I'm now out of control.
As arrogant as us boys are, I have now lost control of that car.
That's gone.
Do you find yourself in a situation like that braking? The brake lights will still be on, probably, yes.
"Why isn't it slowing down?" And then, of course, that was the big Formula 1 airborne one.
Was that Valencia? Yeah.
It was quite a big crash.
We've got the footage here, just to remind everybody of Mark, one of your finest hours, really.
Again, I find myself What does go through your mind apart from, "Wow, it's like a fairground ride"? You've just got to stay away from Lotuses, mate, that's the long and short of it.
The thing about both of those accidents, I think the first one, you suffered a little bit of I had some concussion, neck problems.
That one, though, the one in the Formula 1 car? I was lucky.
I snapped the brake pedal, actually.
So that was about it.
Which is unusual to do from that side.
A lot of power required, adrenaline.
You actually broke it with your own? Snapped it.
Just popped it.
What, just with the force of your own foot? Exactly.
So you walk away from both those accidents, which is remarkable, and yet you go cycling in 2008, bump into a Nissan Torino, I believe.
It won, mate, it won.
It won.
And you broke your leg? Yeah.
Shoulder Because this is what I think we need to impress upon children watching.
Don't get a bicycle.
Because they're dangerous.
Now obviously, you've, as we said in the introduction, handed notice in.
Why? Where are you going? What you going to do? Timing's right for me, mate.
Bit of a break from what I've been doing for the last 14 years.
So I'm going to race with Porsche, actually.
I know you love Porsches, don't you? The 911 is such an interesting car! No, cos what worries me, do you think you're getting out at the right time of Formula 1? Now that we've got the tyres going off like they do, is that getting a bit wearisome? You're in the car, the car's going well, you know the track, you're in the groove and you know that if you push hard, your tyres will simply wear out and you can't win.
It is very different, mate, from how it used to be.
But that's the way it is, we've got to learn and get on with it.
But you've got to be able to push.
In Formula 1, it's about us boys absolutely on the limits all the time.
It should be.
There's a big regulation change next year.
We're going to have to save fuel.
I mean, my Ford Cortina had a 1.
6 litre engine.
So are you going to miss your team-mate? Am I going to miss Seb? Probably not a huge amount, no.
In a competitive environment, there's always going to be a bit of needle.
There's a lot of history between us two, obviously, that's gone before.
Did it start in Malaysia when he suddenly lost the ability to hear? It was basically "Don't overtake Mark", and then he heard everything apart from the "don't".
I mean, you're an Aussie.
Have you never felt tempted to? "This is for Gallipoli, blam!" A lot of people are saying yes.
I'm a bit concerned.
My dad always says, "You shouldn't hit boys, mate", so Good one.
Now you're here for the second time, in fact.
Different studio, everything's a bit different.
I was a bit nervous today.
Were you in the old studio? Yeah.
You actually looked half-decent back then.
I've gone, I've absolutely gone.
I've got grey, too, mate.
You've got grey.
Richard Hammond hasn't gone grey.
It's really weird.
That's incredible.
I don't know how he's keeping it at bay.
Anyway, let's find out how you got on on your laps.
You came here once before and, let's be honest It was chucking it down and I was nowhere.
You were 1.
47, but it was the wettest day in human history.
Well, today was not raining.
Very good conditions.
Good conditions, the right temperatures for a Suzuki Liana.
Who'd like to have a look at this lap? Yeah! Let's have a look.
Come on, Mark.
Let's have a look at the lap.
Righto, here we go.
Coming to get you.
Lewis and Sebastian.
Right, those are the two targets.
The first corner.
Nice and wide on the way.
And it is interesting how you lot all do that.
Look at the Liana, what a machine.
What is it with Formula 1 drivers? Kimi was looking at the helicopters and planes and now you're adjusting your clothing.
Where are you going? Pay attention.
The steering's very responsive.
That'll help with your time.
Right, Hammerhead.
Keep it tight, keep it in.
It's horrible, Hammerhead.
What's that? You keep the grip up.
There's new asphalt there.
It's good grip on that, really good grip.
Don't scrub any speed through these fast ones.
Turning lightly, here we go.
Here we are, the Hugh Jackman.
Ooh! Cutting it nicely.
How do you carry? Look how much speed you've got going into that! That's impressive.
Well, bound to be, really.
And here, no, I wouldn't have changed down there but there we are, across the line.
I just said "I wouldn't have changed down there" to YOU! Second gear in the last corner, second? Yeah.
I use third in Gambon.
Do you? Well, on the basis that it's the end, so it doesn't really matter if you roll it or burst.
There's no weight transfer in third.
I want to get the weight on the front tyre.
The weight on the front? You see, I trail break.
Trail breaking? A little bit.
Still not enough inertia.
It just gets the weight of the nose.
I'll give you some lessons after.
The least I can do.
Anyway, where do you think? Obviously, you said you were going for Sebastian and Lewis, who are right up at the top.
That was the goal.
Well, I've got the time here.
I shall have a look.
Hang on a minute.
I love the way that Formula 1 drivers, actually, it's like you really care about this.
Cos it is quite funny.
I mean Rubens was really dead chuffed when he was fastest.
He was running around handing out, "I am the beat" He was, he gave me one.
Anyway, Mark Webber You did it.
Well, I'm going to start with the bad news.
Really? Yeah.
You're not fastest.
So, really, once we got that one out the way, the big question is, ze German.
Did you beat ze German, who did a 1.
44 dead? It's quite tight between those three.
It is very tight in the 1.
It's all very tight.
So, Mark Webber, you did 1 The next number's important.
Ooh! You beat Seb.
Only .
2 off Lewis.
That I reckon that did it.
I reckon if you'd just taken my advice about third at the final corner.
The thing is, you're not faster than Lewis but you don't have an earring.
That's worth 3/10, isn't it? It's got to be 3/10, yeah, with his earring.
But you have beaten Sebastian Vettel in the same car.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Webber! Tremendous.
Now, for years we've known that Jaguar was working on a new small sports car.
We've known that it's going to be called the F-type and we had a pretty good idea of what it would be like.
Yeah, we knew that it was going to be quiet and comfortable and restrained and that the interior would be full of traditional leather and wood and moss.
So were we right? In short, no.
We were not right.
It's an X-rated, hardcore monster for the terminally unhinged.
It's got such a wide range of intoxicating noises.
When you change up, it snorts like a hippo.
And when you put your foot down, it bellows.
And when you take it off again RUMBLING Have you heard a soundtrack like that? That is the sound of the '60s right there! And if you push this little button here, you engage the sports exhaust system, which makes it even louder.
It's not all bark and no bite, either.
The 3 litre V6 engine is supercharged and delivers 375 fire-spitting horse powers.
It does 0-60 in 4.
8 seconds.
Top speed, 171.
And this isn't even the fast version.
If you want, Jaguar will sell you a 488hp V8.
I wouldn't bother, though, because at no point while I've been driving this, have I thought, "Yeah, but I wish it was a bit more exciting.
" Now, you would imagine that a car this loud and this brutal would be as luxurious as a Methodist's coal house.
But, no.
The roof can be raised or lowered, even when you're going The switches are bronzed.
The seats are electric.
And you can choose what shade of mood lighting you'd like.
The interior, then, is nicely thought out, but it is nothing compared to the exterior.
I think this is one of the best-looking cars ever made.
So, it's beautiful and mad and thrilling and loud.
And there's more.
A lot of cars these days feel like laptops, but this doesn't.
Yes, you can go into the computer and alter the characteristics of the gearbox and the engine and the steering and suspension, but that said, there's no double clutch gearbox.
It's just a smooth, eight-speed auto.
There's no six-way traction control, there's no complicated folding metal roof.
It's much simpler than that.
Engine at the front, drive to the rear and a big, smiling piece of meat in the middle.
The chassis is epic, and so are the brakes, and so's the steering.
And you've got tons of locks, so if you do get it out of shape, it's easy to get it back again.
In many ways, it puts me in mind of a BMW M3 and that is That is high praise.
Except, it's not a BMW.
It's a Jag.
And I wish I could end it there, but, unfortunately, there are one or two issues that need mentioning.
I've just done my weekly shop.
I bought some jam some milk some sugar and some butter.
Sadly, I wasn't able to buy any more than that, because if you buy your Jag with a spare wheel, this is what the boot looks like.
How could they have a meeting and decide that THAT was acceptable? It's just madness! And there's another problem - the price.
I was expecting the V6 version to cost around £50,000.
But actually, it's almost £68,000.
And the V8 is an eye-watering £80,000.
But the biggest problem, by a country mile, is the ride.
This road appears to be completely smooth, but it feels like I'm driving No, not driving, it feels like I'm roller-skating, over a piece of corrugated iron.
It's just urgh! And it's even worse when you go slowly in a town.
That's just unbearably harsh.
And there's no need for it.
When you've got a chassis this good, you don't need hard suspension.
What were they thinking of?! Happily, however, the ride does get better the faster you go.
Which means, there is a way round the problem.
Don't drive slowly.
Drive fast.
Let's be honest, in a car that looks this good and sounds this fantastic, and goes this well, that's no hardship.
That is no hardship, at all.
Another amazing road in Hertfordshire.
You should come there more often.
Anyway, Jaguar, as I'm sure you know, is now an Indian company, but the cars are still made in Britain.
And so are the Range Rovers that we were talking about earlier, and so is the bus that James thinks as a car.
And that got us thinking.
We're always been told that Britain's manufacturing industry is dead, that we don't make stuff any more, and that we certainly don't make vehicles.
But, do we? Well, WE do, obviously.
We made this pioneering hybrid electric car, using technology that is now copied globally.
And we made the magnificent Hovervan, a machine of unparalleled capabilities, many of which were not faked in any way, at all.
And then there was the superb P45.
Which was terrible.
Well, it had one or two issues.
Yeah, it was lethal.
Yeah, being lethal was one of the issues.
But it was British built.
And we were wondering, what else is? And so, for the finale of the last programme of the series, we thought we should find out.
This is most people's idea of a British car factory.
A ruin that closed down after some long-forgotten strike in the 1970s.
But it turns out that, actually, there's rather more going on than you might think.
Today, a new car rolls off a production line somewhere in Britain every 20 seconds.
Honda has a factory in Swindon, where 2,700 people are employed to make the Civic, the Jazz, and the CRV.
Toyota makes cars in Derbyshire.
Cars, which are then exported to Japan.
And then there's the Nissan plant in the Northeast.
Last year, this one factory made more cars than the whole of the Italian motor industry put together.
And it's not just whole cars we make, either.
Last year, one in three Fords sold globally had an engine made either in Wales or here in Essex.
And there's more.
And then, we arrive at the Rolls-Royce plant in Sussex, where, yes, many of the components are shipped over from Germany.
But the job of putting them all together is done here.
Because Britain is the only country that appreciates it's better to trim the seats with hide from bulls, because cows get stretch marks when they're pregnant.
Then you have the people doing the wood.
Grandmasters, they're called.
And the paint shop, where 45 kilos of paint is applied to each car.
And then, there's this chap.
It's his job to apply the coach lines and embellishments to the finished product by hand.
You won't find his equivalent in a Hyundai factory.
He learned his trade as a pub sign writer.
It's said he has the steadiest hand in the world.
Then, there's motor racing.
In the whole world, there are 11 Formula 1 teams.
Eight are based in Britain and seven can be seen from the top of this one hill in Oxfordshire.
Over there, you have Williams.
Up there in the Cotswolds, there's Lotus and Caterham.
Then, moving further along, we have Force India, Marussia, Red Bull and Mercedes.
Britain's contribution to motorsport is extraordinary.
All IndyCar races, every Dakar winner since 2009, at this year's Le Mans, including the car that won it.
The Marussia Formula 1 car, and the Pagani Huayra.
All of them have gearboxes made in that factory on this little industrial estate in Berkshire.
A whopping 75% of all research and development done in global motorsport is British.
British clutch.
British hybrid system.
British ECUs.
And it's not just us saying, "Ooh, look! Aren't we clever?" The rest of the world likes what we're doing these days.
For five out of the last seven years, Aston Martin has been voted "coolest brand in the world".
And then, there's the list of global celebrities who drive a Range Rover.
Time now to move away from the cars and into the heavy engineering.
On this map of the world, all the countries shaded in red use military vehicles made in Britain.
All the countries shaded green use British-made lorries to move stuff around.
In all the countries shaded yellow, there's at least one JCB helping to build something.
And while it's not exactly heavy engineering, all the countries shaded brown watch British-made motoring shows.
Having established we do make quite a lot of stuff in Britain, we decided to find out just how much.
So we hatched an ambitious plan.
We called all the companies that make motorised vehicles and said to them, "Could you bring whatever it is you make "to a gathering in London?" A little bit of a problem with Morgan, who didn't know what London was, but eventually, everybody responded magnificently.
Jeremy, Richard, and I are taking three different versions of the new F-Type to London.
I, for example, have the V6 Whoa! That's the Triumph bikes.
Tremendous! Meanwhile, deep in the countryside Oh, look at that! And now, look what's coming! It's the Morgans.
Carry on, chaps! Much later than everyone else, the Formula 1 cars began to leave for London.
Which, in Milton Keynes, was quite a sight.
And quite a sound.
Eventually, the fleet of vehicles that had been made in Britain began to arrive on the streets of the capital.
And after the slowest had turned up we climbed into our Jags and headed for the meeting point to see how much stuff was there.
This feels a bit special, this does.
And it became even more special as we swung past Buckingham Palace and onto The Mall.
There's more than I thought.
The Mall has hosted many uplifting scenes over the years.
But it has never hosted anything quite like this before.
It wasn't just the sheer volume that took our breath away.
It was the diversity, the breadth.
Cars, lorries, diggers, racers, ice cream vans, hearses.
It was magnificent.
It was huge.
I didn't know we made those massive tipper trucks.
Look at that that thing! A tractor.
I didn't think of that.
Land speed record cars! There's my bus! All right, mate? Ooh, the Eagle! A lot of people say that, today, Britain is nothing more than a bank, or a boutique, or a busted flush, but looking at that staggering collection back there I'm not sure they're right.