Top Gear (2002) s21e08 Episode Script

Patagonia Special, Part 1

1 Hello and welcome to the eleventh Top Gear Special, which for once is actually being transmitted quite close to the birthday of baby Jesus.
Unless you're watching a repeat.
~ Yes, James.
Unless you're watching a repeat.
~ Well, it's quite confusing ~ Anyway.
2014 marked the 60th anniversary of the cheap-to-make, maximum-bangs-for-your-bucks small block V8.
And the producers thought it would be a good idea for us to celebrate the moment.
Yes, especially since, as a lot of people are saying, owing to environmentalism, the need for greater fuel economy, the V8 could soon be a thing of the past.
Quite, so the producers told us to buy three old V8-powered cars and report with them to a hotel near the town of Bariloche here in Argentina.
This was the meeting point, in the middle of what's billed at Argentina's Lake District.
And I was the first to arrive in a magnificent Porsche 928 GT.
That is quite a view and this is quite a car.
I have always loved 928s, cos they were just so futuristic.
I mean this car is 23 years old and it looks like it was designed yesterday.
And it was the last good-looking car that Porsche ever made.
And, although it's a V8, it's quiet and dignified and elegant.
If this were a person, it would go to embassy cocktail parties and know many things.
Traditional V8s would push you in the swimming pool and then fart and think it was funny.
Traditional V8s - well, like this, for example - they're brash and they're loud and they're childish.
HORN PLAYS MELODY ~ What have you done, Hammond? ~ Oh, yeah! There it is - not just A V8 - the definitive V8.
~ Is it? ~ Ford Mustang, the Mach One.
Look at it.
~ It's a bit ~ It's brilliant.
~ .
.
unnecessary.
No, it's not That's the whole point of it.
It's stripped down.
Everything on it is functional, purpose ~ Is it? ~ Yes.
~ This rear spoiler - what does it do? ~ Nothing.
Does the front splitter do anything? ~ No.
~ Racing fuel filler cap? No, it's just a cover.
Is the engine 19 feet long? No, no, it's not.
Why then has it got a 19-foot bonnet? Well, because they decided they wanted to make the Mustang bigger in '71, so they did and they did that by just making it bigger.
This is all just pointless? No, it's bigger.
And that is the ram air, and that's a Edelbrock carb underneath it, the plenum there, it all go It works.
I mean, if I were nine, it would be tremendous, but I'm not.
I mean, it's all just preposterous.
It's brilliant is what it is! It's the essence of V8ness.
Shall we just turn our attention now to the elephant that ~ ISN'T in the room.
~ Uh, yeah.
Captain Lost.
What do you think the? I don't know, I've been thinking, I don't know.
Had to be a V8, so I thought it'll be a Mercedes.
He'll have gone, like he did in Botswana, solid.
Er, I thought, I reckon he's gone for Range Rover.
In fact we couldn't have been more wrong.
No way! That is not him! Not serious! He's gone completely mad! I bet he thinks he's Bond.
~ He does think he's Bond.
Don't say anything about his suit.
~ No.
Hi.
Gentlemen.
The Lotus Esprit.
Isn't it? Twin turbo V8.
Have you been on a Top Gear Special before? ~ I've seen you on them.
~ Yes.
~ You have, I've seen you there.
~ Yes, I have, I have.
~ James, they're tough.
~ Yeah.
Some viewers don't know this but Lotus does not have a good reputation for quality.
Some say that this stands for Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.
It has a hand-built V8 engine with two turbo chargers designed by a specialist small British car-making company.
And that is a byword for reliability and motoring pleasure.
~ We know that.
~ It's just not, and you know that.
~ Can we just run through some of the detailing on it? ~ Carry on.
The door handles on this model are from a Vauxhall Cavalier.
~ Correct.
~ Door mirrors are from a Citroen.
Don't touch it.
~ Uh, the gearbox in this is from a Renault 25.
~ Correct.
Because that was the best gearbox they could find? ~ Or the only one that would fit? ~ It was the only one that would fit.
And of course the body is made from exactly the same ~ material as a lavatory seat.
~ Or a bucket.
Anyway, have you finished being envious of my car? If I can move on, the Porsche 928.
~ Yes.
~ Fascinating.
Hammond! Wowzers! I do like that, in a slightly Richard Hammondy sort of way.
Is that a Mach One? ~ It certainly is.
~ Ho-ho-ho-ho! ~ Yeah, yeah.
~ Look at that.
Tell me that isn't magnificent ~ .
.
ly boring.
~ It isn't.
~ I'm glad it's grey, though.
~ Why? Well, because it's very businesslike.
You can advise me on my mortgage later on.
I am, as always, the voice of reason and wisdom on this programme.
We could have bickered forever but at this point our challenge arrived.
"You will now drive 130 miles to the house where Butch Cassidy lived "when he was on the run from the law.
" ~ 130 miles? ~ Hang on - that's it? That's somewhere interesting.
I thought there was going to be another, you know there's usually the other paragraph.
To where Butch Cassidy lived? I'd love to go there.
I love Butch Cassidy and my favourite film in the entire world is Butch Cassidy.
And all I've got to do is drive a Porsche 928 130 miles to get there on roads.
Try saying it this way - all he's got to do is drive a Lotus Esprit 130 miles.
I can see now where they're going with this.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
They've tailored it for you.
Amazed at the apparent easiness of our challenge, we fired up the V8s.
.
.
.
and plunged into the magnificence of Argentina's heartland.
The roads are lovely.
Proper roads, paved, very pretty.
I think the producers have lost it.
I'd turn over if I were you.
I wouldn't watch this.
Three comfortable middle-aged men driving lovely cars.
That's not that's not really very good television.
So the situation report, I have 128 miles to go but everything's working.
Er, the road is very nice.
Uh phew! We're going to have to spin this out a bit.
To do just that, we decided to talk about our cars.
This particular Mustang came along at a really critical time for the V8, because this was 1971.
In 1972, America started introducing all sorts of restrictions because of emissions and fuel, and they strangled them.
So many people regard '71 as the last proper year of the full-on, full-bore, full-raw V8.
ENGINE ROARS Hammond and Clarkson are absolutely right, the Lotus is a risk.
Of course the Porsche will work - it was made by Porsche.
They're more German than normal Germans when it comes to doing things properly.
They're brilliant at it.
But it's a bit safe, it's a bit grey, it's a bit businesslike.
The Mustang will work, because it's just a piece of American clog iron.
It's low stress, designed to run all day.
This? Yes, this came from Norfolk and this was built by blokes.
Of course it's fragile but that's what makes it interesting AND it's the best-looking and it's the fastest and it's the reddest.
I know Hammond and May think my 928 Porsche is a bit dull but for one very good reason, it isn't dull to me.
You see, back in 1994, I was living in London, I got a call one evening from my mum to say that my dad was desperately ill in a hospital in Sheffield and I needed to get there as quickly as possible.
And I'd just taken a chicken out of the oven and I thought, "Well, I'll take that for my mum, cos she won't have eaten", ran outside and I had a 928 on test that week.
And when I arrived in Sheffield, the chicken was still warm and my dad was still alive.
In fact he died half an hour later.
And the truth is, if I hadn't been driving a car which could sit quite happily at 170 miles an hour, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to say goodbye to my dad.
So as far as I'm concerned the 928 is all right.
Soon we arrived at a rather Germanic-looking town.
This town that we're in now is called Bariloche and there really is no nice way of putting this - it became a haven for Nazi war criminals.
Between 1946 - a critical date - and 1952, 12,000 Germans came to live in this neck of the woods.
The man who founded the Hitler Youth, he started the ski club in the town.
Adolf Eichmann lived here.
Josef Mengele took his driving test here.
Failed, apparently.
HAMMOND'S CAR HORN Yes, it's a sombre topic but fortunately Hammond's enlivened it with his La Cucaracha horn.
Once out of Berlineloche, the roads opened up and Hammond could discover the joys of his muscle car at full chat.
Big speed now and I'll be honest, it is quite alarming, this steering is There's a lot of play and er, it's kind of vague - yeah.
Meanwhile, James and I have become entangled in a bit of a dogfight.
Target locked.
I've got him.
No! Ha-ha! ~ Sod it! ~ I've caught him napping.
You have sown the wind and you shall reap the whirlwind.
Here we go, here we go, here we go.
No, no, no, no, no, no! Yes.
Take that.
Urgh! Look, he's just roaring off! I've got a five-litre engine here.
James only has three and a half.
Mind you, with two turbos.
No sign of Hammond, strangely, with his massive 5.
8-litre V8.
Oh-ho! Oh! Those two are clearly enjoying a bit of a joust.
Jeremy's Porsche's got passive rear-wheel steering.
They've both got proper suspension.
I haven't got any of those things on my Mustang so I'm going to stay out of it and do a lot of steering, just to go in a straight line.
There was another problem with the Mustang - it was extremely thirsty.
And soon Hammond needed to stop for fuel.
As May and I waited in the coffee shop I enjoy the things that made Lotus famous, like steering feel, performance Hammond filled up but from where we were sitting, it didn't ~ look like he was doing that at all.
~ .
.
not metal.
Sorry to interrupt but I think Hammond really loves that Mustang.
What is he doing? With the muscle car fed, it looked like we were going to complete our simple 130-mile challenge.
Yeah.
But then What's Ooh! That is smoking.
He's smoking.
Hammond, you're smoking, you're smoking badly.
Oh, sh (BLEEP).
I'm stopping.
I'm stopping.
I've lost steering.
Oh! ~ One and a half miles from Butch ~ One and a half miles.
.
.
Butch Cassidy's house.
Just talk me through it.
Power steering, thrown all its oil out, fluid.
~ That's what was making the smoke, it was burning off on the manifold ~ I'm not interested.
One and a half miles! HE GUFFAWS Yeah, that's the dipstick for the fluid.
And it's completely empty.
It's all come out.
There it is! Oh, my God! I'm going to stay here, where Butch lived.
I know that film off by heart.
I know all the lines.
Would you like to hear some? No.
The film said it was Bolivia and he did actually die in Bolivia but they found him here and he ran and got away with it again.
Right.
I don't care that it's not luxurious.
I've got my own pillow and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
He probably built that door.
Over an early evening drink, Jeremy was STILL going on about his favourite topic.
~ Don't you watch it every week? ~ No.
~ I do.
Battle of Britain's top five but Butch Cassidy's number one, Local Hero number two.
What about Where Eagles Dare, though? ~ No, not top five.
~ No? ~ Not as good as Battle of Britain.
It's not as good as, but nothing's as good as Battle of Britain.
And neither of them are as good as Butch Cassidy and the Sun Oh, look who's here.
~ That's better.
~ He's pushing it.
~ No, no, no, no, no.
Don't, er Norman Wisdom, ladies and gentlemen, has arrived.
Now he's stuck, you know.
Oh, it's run over him, everybody, I'm sorry.
Oh, sh (BLEEP).
Yeah, all r the producers say they'll count that as if you've made it.
Yeah, you're in the same field.
~ Well done, mate.
~ Yeah.
Look where you are - Butch Cassidy's actual house.
That is it, genuinely for real? ~ Yeah - do you live in something like that in Wales? ~ Pretty much, yeah.
~ Oh, wait a minute.
~ What? What? What? We've done it.
We're here.
Come on.
I'm nearly here, look.
Wait a minute.
Well They've crossed out the one they gave us this morning and written another one in felt tip.
"You haven't finished yet.
More news in the morning.
" We haven't finished? More news? They've obviously realised that they haven't filled two hours.
Your soft .
.
white .
.
flesh.
Mine, all mine! HE LAUGHS THEATRICALLY HE LAUGHS THEATRICALLY Basically, I AM Paul Newman - same colour eyes, middle aged.
I like being this.
~ What are you doing? ~ It's a scene from Butch Cassidy.
Yeah, I know that bit but that's not a bicycle, he's really not Katharine Ross and I'm a rubbish shot.
I don't I'm just having we're at Butch Cassidy's house.
Oh, this is it.
Thank you, this is the challenge.
Go on.
"You will now drive to Ushuaia in Tierra del Fuego.
"It's the southernmost city in the world, the gateway to Antarctica "and the last outpost of civilisation in the southern hemisphere.
"It was also the port from with the Belgrano, the battleship, "sailed on its fateful voyage and the start of the Falklands War.
"As a result, anti-British feelings run high there.
"So you will use your diplomatic skills to build bridges.
" We don't have any diplomatic skills.
No, but we're good at building bridges.
We can do that.
No, it's a figure of speech.
It doesn't literally mean build a bridge.
Absolutely not.
It says, "When you arrive in Ushuaia, you must build a football stadium "and host a game of car football against a team from Argentina.
" ~ Really? ~ So we're using our cars in car football? Mine's a bit big.
Against a team, right In Tierra del Fuego? How far is it? How far is it? 1,600 miles.
One thousand six hundred miles? ~ In a Lotus? ~ RICHARD SNIGGERS On the way to the tip of South America, our brittle, ageing, complicated cars would face deserts, blizzards, snowdrifts, mud, swamps, gruelling mountain tracks and jagged coastlines.
It would be an epic journey.
But before it could begin, Hammond had to mend his Mustang's power steering, which meant I had time to kill.
MUSIC: "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" by BJ Thomas Raindrops keep falling on my head And just like a guy whose feet are too big for his bed Nothing seems to fit those raindrops ~ Is he still doing it? ~ Mhm.
OK.
It won't have it.
Actually, I do remember this bit in the film, ~ because Paul Newman rides around on the bicycle, doesn't he? ~ Yeah.
And then Katharine Ross does a little playful "ha-ha-ha!" giggle ~ and throws some straw in his face.
~ Yeah.
~ Is that right? Yeah.
~ Yeah.
Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling Because I'm free Ow! After we'd dealt with Jeremy and bodged the power steering, we headed south.
Is the Lotus Esprit V8 a good choice for a 1,600-mile drive through Patagonia? In all honesty, no.
But - and the question I'm asking myself, viewers is - will Hammond's Mustang make it? And I can't really explain this but when I stand near an old car, I get a feeling when I know it's a good one, and I'm not getting that feeling with Hammond's Mustang.
It feels like it's hanging on.
Oh, no! My seat belt's fallen apart again.
To reach our destination, we decided to head into Chile and pick up the important-sounding Road To The South.
This meant crossing the Andes, and as that sounded complicated, I put myself in charge.
Well, it strikes me that if we've got to cross the Andes, we should do that here rather than further south, cos there'll be less snow here.
Right, that's a better idea, is it? It's a brilliant idea so we shall We'll cross them up here.
At first, my plan went well.
This road is simply mesmerizing.
We even found a way to amuse ourselves during the Mustang's endless fuel stops.
SONG PLAYS: Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye ~ JEREMY CHUCKLES ~ Look at this face.
Let's get it on Let's love, baby Let's get it on Sugar Let's get it on.
After we set off we discovered why we kept having to stop.
~ Hammond! ~ What? Just put your foot down hard.
ENGINE ROARS Yeah, I think I know why your fuel consumption's quite poor.
Map of the Falkland Islands with "Argentina's forever.
" That is a straight face I'm pulling right now, straight.
I will not spark fury on this trip.
This is the new me, the smart me, the clever me.
Soon, the road I'd chosen got a bit worse.
RATTLING AND CRUNCHING BLEEP.
Oh, oh, oh.
Ah, God! Oi, Clarkson, are you telling me that if you drive from Argentina to Chile this is the main road? Cos I don't believe it.
ON RADIO: Yes, it is.
Just goes to show, doesn't it, really, about how brilliant cars are, because CRUNCHING And then the road disappeared altogether.
Oh, Lord.
Which wasn't ideal in cars like these.
James, we're the idiots, we listened to him with a suggestion for a route.
Relax, we're nearly there now.
Ow.
Ow.
RATTLING Oh! Bad noises! I don't know what's best - keep going on Clarkson's stupid route, turn round and go back and find another one.
Oh! Oh! Oh, dear.
BLEEP.
Oh, bloody hell.
Cocking Nora! How can you not like this road? ~ Go away.
~ It's brilliant.
And then, inevitably Oh! Oh, I've lost steering.
Having rescued James Ya-hey! .
.
we decided to leave Hammond, and though we were soon out the woods, we weren't out of the woods.
Oh, my Come on, don't let me down now, little Porsche.
CRUNCHING AND RATTLING Here, the Lotus was way out of its comfort zone.
Ah! But, amazingly, it made it.
I am absolutely staggered that Lotus is still working.
Absolutely, properly staggered.
~ Well, yeah, I'd love to be able to say that was great fun ~ JEREMY LAUGHS Shortly afterwards, James and I arrived at the Chilean border.
I knew my route across the Andes would be good, and it is.
And having bodged the bodge on his steering, Hammond, too, was on the move.
But other gremlins were starting to appear.
Oh, my God.
I've lost third gear.
So, as he caught 40 winks at the border post, May and I decided to cheer him up.
Don't pull any more backing off yet.
CAR HORN TOOTS JEREMY KNOCKS ON WINDOW JEREMY SNIGGERS What? Why? Why have you put that on my car? In Chile, Hammond was not impressed with our efforts.
How's your Peugeot, Hammond? Shut up.
I've basically put Peugeot stickers on it to try and make it more reliable.
Sadly, though, that didn't work.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I hate to say this - I've lost power steering again.
THEY LAUGH Leaving Hammond once more, James and I decided to enjoy a road that could have been purpose built for our finely-turned European thoroughbreds.
Oh, wow! The feel through the steering, here.
Into the corner, feel the front, shoving its shoulder into the job.
We forget these days how good cars used to be.
Not at safety, not at fuel economy, not at emissions, just joy, just handling.
I'm absolutely confident I am now having a better time because I'm in the car designed for this sort of thing.
It's mid-engined.
And, of course, if you have a mid-engined car, it looks cool.
~ Oh, ~ BLEEP! Jesus wept! ~ HE CLEARS THROA ~ Yes.
What I was just demonstrating there was the other side of the mid-engined argument, which is, when it does go it, it goes a bit more quickly.
He'll now be sitting up to here in his own excrement.
Despite this, though, we pressed on, savouring the whole point of our being here - our engines.
Listen to that, the grumble of an offbeat V8.
I'll knock it down to second so you can hear the proper roar.
~ Listen to that.
~ ENGINE ROARS In the next town, we pulled over for a nerdy chat about what makes a V8 so special.
It is a charismatic engine, that's why we like V8s, is cos they are imperfect.
Yes, very.
Unlike a straight six engine, where you've got six cylinders in line, in one of those, when one piston's going down another one's coming up, ~ so it sort of balances itself and makes it smooth.
~ Yes.
A V8 is inherently unbalanced, because when one piston's going down, there isn't necessarily another one going up to balance it.
Exactly, and they're not going in the same direction, are they, cos Yeah, exactly, so they're sort of doing that.
So that's what makes a V8 wobbly.
~ It is, it's inherently wobbly.
~ And charismatic.
~ Yes.
But the V8 in your car isn't the same, is it? Because, and I never thought I would use these words on Top Gear, it has a flat plane crank.
~ Very good.
~ Exactly.
In yours, the engine cylinders they go HE TAPS RHYTHM .
.
so you get two firing on the same side.
Mine just goes So, yours is like Charlie Watts, and the other V8, mine, is more Keith Moon.
There's a bit more going on.
Yes, and that's what makes the difference.
That's why traditional V8s - i.
e.
, the American style V8, which is sort of what yours is, they burble, but mine snarls.
Our colleague then turned up having bodged the bodge of his bodge.
JEREMY PLAYS DRUM ROLL ON TABLE ~ Fixed? ~ Yeah.
~ Right, let's go! ~ Coffee good? ~ Yeah, it was lovely.
~ It was delicious.
~ Good(!) Jeremy Clarkson, James May.
Yes, what's wrong? Uh, I was just thinking of remortgaging my house and wondering if I should go for a fixed rate or a flexible policy, what do you think? As you well know, businessmen do not drive cars of this nature, how was the turnip harvest last year? It's all very well being rude about the people of Norfolk, but so far they seem to have built the best car.
It hasn't gone wrong, it goes off road and it saved me when I made a cock-up.
We continued on Jeremy's idiotic route until we reached this.
Oh, my God! Is this for cars? Well, get out and have a jump on it, James, and go to see if it is.
OK, that will tell us everything we need to know, hang on.
~ Oh, my God! No, James that is ~ Oh, hang on a minute! ~ Oh, it's wobbly! ~ I mean, look! It's rubbish.
That is not It's a footbridge.
We either admit defeat and end the programme here.
Well, I'm for ending.
Goodbye.
And on that bombshell! Come on! Since James was on point, he went first.
Here we go.
~ Oh, God it's sagging! ~ It moves! ~ Oh! Not looking, not looking, not looking, not looking.
God, that's really disconcerting! How am I doing, how am I doing? CREAKING Right, here we go.
Speed! Yeah! Speed has solved the problem.
~ JAMES CLAPS ~ What the hell? ~ It's a dead end.
~ I know.
Well, why didn't you tell me? Cos I wanted to see you come across the bridge.
~ I know what you're thinking.
~ Shall we? Right, come on Hammond! My car's the heaviest.
Enough said.
No seatbelt, don't want to be stuck in it, if it falls off.
Oh! Oh! I don't like it, I don't like it.
it feels like I'm running away from a disaster.
~ I did it, I did it, I did it.
~ Got some bad news.
~ What? ~ It's a dead end.
We We tried to tell you, but we just couldn't get the message across.
We drove back across the knit-one-purl-one bridge .
.
and found ourselves in the rainy season on what appeared to be the set of Jurassic Park.
Petrified forests, mysterious lakes, this is all very odd.
If I go round the next corner and there's a brontosaurus, I will not be surprised.
I'm not sure this is the road to the south.
When do we just accept this is not working, this is not right, this is not the way.
Soon the track led us into a primordial swamp.
Oh, for crying out loud! It's a 928 Porsche, for heaven's sake! Oh, that felt bad.
If you're Chilean, perhaps you'd like to write in and say, "No, you went the wrong way.
" No, that's it, I'm stuck, and I'm going to die here, a lonely, hideous death.
Oh, no! Jeremy and I were now completely beached.
However This car is incredible.
It is truly incredible.
If I showed you a picture of this and said, "what's that good for?" You'd say, "Oh, I wouldn't want to take that into a supermarket car park, they've got speed humps.
" Here comes Norfolk to the rescue.
Come on, Jeremy.
Yes! Come on, Porsche.
Yes, you good, good car.
Desperate for the astonishing Lotus not to hog all the glory, I decided the Porsche would get the Mustang moving.
International Rescue is coming to Hammond's aid.
~ Right, are you ready? ~ Yes, I am.
I'm going to start pushing in three, two, one, go.
ENGINE REVS We're both stuck, now.
Look at it! It's just driving around.
Having a spot of bother? Its proud American ass is stuck on a rock.
Its lardy arse.
Yes.
It's a bit heavy for this sort of work.
Well, you're right, it is Oh.
What? ~ What the hell is that? ~ What is it, a 2CV pick-up? Well, it's a 2CV at the front, then what is it? ~ I saw that car in Bariloche.
~ You can't have done.
~ One like it.
~ It can't possibly be the same one.
Finally, Hammond and I managed to get free.
Yes! And then There it is, there's the road to the south.
look - that is what we have been looking for, and we've found it.
There was a river between us and it, but there was also a bridge.
We're now just 50 metres from the road to the south.
Cocking Nora! What's the matter, you idiot? ~ It's not finished.
~ Ah.
~ Why would you build part of a bridge? ~ Why have they built? It's It's nine tenths.
Look at that.
~ Ready, steady, heave.
~ THEY STRAIN No, it's really heavy.
~ Right.
~ Yeah.
~ Why don't we just get the film crew to help? There's hundreds of them.
Guys, can we have? A short while later, the three of us had got the bridge finished.
That is a proud moment, Hammond, but is it straight? Yes.
Yes.
Gentlemen, I'm about to go over the edge, is there anything you want to say to me? Can I have your Ferrari? Oh, here he goes.
~ Come on.
~ HE GROANS NERVOUSLY He's done it.
He's faced the peril and won.
HE HONKS HORN In fact, we all did.
Oh! There it is! And at last, we were on the Road To The South.
Ha ha ha! HORN HONKS MELODY The next morning, we set off in good spirits .
.
overjoyed that the going was smooth.
Tarmac.
Oh, the relief.
Sadly, though, after just half a mile RATTLING Oh, God Almighty! Bad news, Hammond.
LOUD RATTLING Ow! Ow, ow, ow! Ow! Ah! Ah! This immediately caused the ever-troublesome Mustang to have a puncture.
James, do you want to wait for him or? Well, do you know, under the circumstances, I think it would be fair to ~ No, I don't.
~ JEREMY LAUGHS See you, mate.
May and I drove on with the now familiar Chilean weather our constant companion.
We are in the Manchester of South America, but without the annoying accent.
I'll go for a walk.
Oh, no, it's raining.
Let's go and play tennis.
Oh, it's raining.
Round of golf? Oh, no, it's raining.
I'm going to do some gardening.
Oh, no, it's raining.
And then in the next town, which was on the coast, I discovered the water doesn't always come from the sky.
This sign here - the tsunami hazard zone.
~ So they know this to be an area susceptible to tsunamis.
~ Right.
Playground.
~ Why would you do that? ~ You could have put it over that side, it's It's a couple of feet higher but that makes a difference, doesn't it? ~ Extraordinary.
~ Madness.
~ It is madness.
~ THEY LAUGH Eventually our colleague arrived.
How are you two? Everything all right? Yeah, we were just enjoying the location of this school playground on your right.
Yeah, I'm intrigued by the fire station to our left.
That's Imagine being a fireman here.
Quick get to the fire! Oh, don't worry, the rain's put it out.
Maybe it's literally a fire station, they come and start a fire for you.
Yeah! The town also had Wi-Fi, which meant I could download some official advice about driving on the local roads.
"If your vehicle has rear wheel drive" Now, this is important this applies to us, OK? ".
.
recover lost control while doing speed recesses.
" Oh, I have been.
"Avoid bite the shoulder, "and if so, do not leaflet to quickly return to the asphalt.
" "This manoeuvre usually ends up in dumps.
" THEY LAUGH I decided to try some of this leafleting, and it was good fun.
Woo-hoo-hoo! I've got a loose backend on my 928.
And even though it was loose, there were no dumps.
Ho, ho, ho! In the Mustang, however Oh, no! Ah! The noise was so bad, Hammond couldn't hear a word of what we were saying on the radio.
Hammond! You whiten your teeth and your hair's stupid.
LOUD RATTLING What? Hammond, I've heard you're hung like a church mouse.
What? JEREMY LAUGHS Sadly, our amusing game was halted when we spotted something that wasn't funny at all.
It is that 2CV again, following our tracks.
I couldn't do that, could you do that? How can they do that? Who are those guys? Stop doing Butch Cassidy things, please.
Not now.
I know who it is.
Who is it? It's the producers.
That's their idea of a comedy backup car.
I hate the 2CV, I absolutely loathe it.
I got a job on original Top Gear as a result of a screen-test I did on the 2CV, when all I did was rant and rave for 20 minutes about how awful it was, and I could have gone on for a fortnight.
I don't want to get in that.
~ Well, it's funny you should say that, Hammond.
~ Shut up.
As we headed further south, the weather got even worse and the road became a nightmare.
Very sobering, that 2CV.
~ HE GROANS ~ Oh, my God.
20mph.
Predictably, though, my car was soaking up the punishment.
And amazingly, so was HMS Norfolk.
Look at that Lotus - it's been through a swamp, it's been through a wood, and it's still working.
Quite a lot of me is rooting for that little red super car.
It's just incredible.
I mean, who knew it was the world's best off-road car? Who knew that it's built to a higher standard than a Lexus? In the Mustang, though, it was business as usual.
Now my clutch is starting to slip.
I've lost another gear.
This is insane, it's stupid.
Jeremy, on this route of yours, how much further is it, how much more of this? Uh, stand by, caller.
1,170 miles.
1,100? And 70, yeah.
LOUD RATTLING AND CRUNCHING That's not possible, for crying out loud! INDISTINCT SPEECH AND NOISE FROM RADIO RATTLING DROWNS SPEECH I'm not hearing a lot of what you're saying, Hammond.
OVER LOUD RATTLE: The cars absolutely can't take the punishment.
Mine certainly can't.
Therefore INDISTINCT SPEECH AND NOISE FROM RADIO INDISTINCT SPEECH CONTINUES Unlike Hammond, I was loving Chile.
It had stopped raining for a moment, the scenery was wonderful, and best of all Oh, my God! Look at the size of that thing, seriously, look at it.
I swear to God, I've wanted to see a condor since I was about three.
That is the biggest flying bird in the world, isn't it, I think I'm right in saying? And there's another one.
Well, there we are - the sun's out, I've seen a condor, all is well in my world.
Sadly, I had to leave the big, beautiful bird, because at the hotel, Hammond was waiting to shout at me.
~ Half the interior trim dropped off.
~ Has it? The carburettor's all clogged up, it doesn't fuel properly anymore.
And the fuel, the gear linkage is completely clogged up with bits of gravel and stone and mud and rain, and you can't get half the gears.
~ And the reason for all of these things? ~ What? Made in America in 1970? It's your route, it's your route, this road is killing the car! Hammond then broke out a map and boldly claimed he'd found a radical new way of getting to our destination.
~ We go back to Argentina.
~ Why? Think about it, when we were We've been to Argentina, the roads were fine.
We made good progress.
Then we can all three get there.
Great, that's an achievement.
We've got to at least try to do it.
In fact, no - we've got to do that.
Back to Arg Here's I don't do this very often, but I'm going to take charge.
Let's go back to Argentina, pick up the good road.
We've been to Argentina, the roads were good.
We'll find a way across the Andes that we can survive, and then we can head south, all of us together.
We stand a chance of arriving as a team.
Well, don't come crying to me if it goes wrong.
The next day we were up at the crack of dawn.
And boy was it worth it.
This is truly special this morning.
This is one of the greatest advantages of getting old - you get up early, and when you get up early, you see the world like this.
Commander Hammond, however, was too busy to notice Chile's misty-eyed goodbye.
Er Right.
That's Chile.
I decided that to get to the better roads of Argentina we should head back over the Andes immediately, which didn't go down very well with my colleagues.
Hammond, you utter, utter Aargh! Whoa! Christ! Hammond! It's sheet ice here.
If you possessed even an ounce of finesse you wouldn't be slithering about like an idiot.
I might be doing it slightly on purpose.
Business car, eh? Ha ha! GERMAN ACCENT: "Oh, it's just a crazy car, it goes mental.
Yeah, it's just really silly.
"Sliding about on the snow.
Oh, look at me, full of character.
" Hammond assured us that once we were over the mountains and back in Argentina, all would be well.
But he was wrong.
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah, Hammond the roads in Argentina are much better(!) Bloody hell.
This, frankly, is unacceptable.
Soon it became even less acceptable.
Hammond, I need a brief exchange of words with you.
There're only two of them, only seven letters.
Three of them are Fs.
Oh, dear.
James, if you say, "Jeremy, your car is not boring," I will give you a tow.
Jeremy, your car isn't boring, please would you give me a tow? The noble German helped the plucky Brit out of the trenches.
Thank you very much, Jeremy Clarkson, and your interesting Porsche.
And then we continued down Hammond Highway, which was appalling.
That? That's washboard - a whole series of ridges very close together and going on forever.
Oh, no! I've lost second gear.
RATTLING Still - could be worse.
What's up? Driving along, the washers have suddenly gone on, wipers, and the engine has stopped.
I didn't ask them to do that.
I've never, ever seen anything like that.
~ ENGINE STARTS ~ Oh, the engine's now back.
~ That's really weird.
Well, come on, let's just keep going.
It'll run out of fluid eventually.
This is what happens when Hammond puts himself in charge.
It was amazing, it was like it was possessed.
Jeremy Clarkson and his haunted Porsche.
No, the dashboard is a Christmas tree and the car has stopped.
Power steer Yeah, it's dead.
Porche's dead.
BLEEP ENGINE STOPS Hammond! This road you chose has killed my Porsche.
I'm going to beat you to death with a bat.
~ Why? What? ~ If we'd have stayed in Chile Stop questioning my leadership.
That is not what is required in an emergency situation.
I'm driving along I will deal with the responsibility.
'And I dealt with it straight away.
' Uh 'By leaving.
' Right, then.
Follow me.
As leader, I had no choice, and believe me, it's a responsibility that It unsettles that I've got to leave a man in the field.
Now, that is a bit of a worry, to be honest, because the Porsche 928 was notorious for having very complicated electrics and for having a lot of electrical gremlins once it got beyond a certain age.
Yeah, Jeremy's chances of fixing that car? Um He did once wire his own speakers, in the sense that he plugged them in at the back of stereo, at home, you know, when you get the little plugs, left and right.
Mysteriously, without me doing anything at all the Porsche had come back to life, sort of.
OK, the wipers won't turn off, the dials aren't working, the heater isn't working, the lights aren't working - but the mighty V8 is back in business! However, a mile later CRUNCHING RUMBLING Now the engine's Oh, Christ.
What's happened? ENGINE WHINES What is that? I have the key! It's off! The engine and the starter motor were both jammed on, and they could only be shut down by disconnecting the battery.
The situation is a lot worse than I thought.
This is what the top of the shock absorber should look like.
And if you look on this side you can see it's been punched out of its mountings and has hit the wiring loom, which is what has made the entire electrical system go haywire.
Now, I can fix the wiring loom, probably fix the shock absorber, but what damage has been caused to all the electrical components? I mean, do the lights work? HE SIGHS It's half past two now.
Five hours of daylight.
Meanwhile, further up the road, May was getting some bad news about that night's accommodation.
Hang on, you're not saying it's a bloody campsite.
You've brought me on a crap road, worse than the one we were on.
We've got a car down, you've ruined the Lotus and at the end of this you want me to stay in a tent! You might find one of your tent poles is missing, but don't worry, I know where it is.
I'll have shoved it up your a Signal's a bit dodgy this end at the moment, James, but I guess you got the message back there.
This is what Hammond's road has done to the inside of my wiring loom, look at this, just look at that.
It just looks like the inside of Steve Austin's arm.
And they call me an orang-utan, they simply don't know what they're talking about.
At the end of a miserable drive I was now faced with an evening's tenting.
A whole day driving on a terrible road, wrecking my car, possibly losing the Porsche, breaking my spine, then Hammond says I have to put the tent up while he goes off to get the food.
And I don't know how his tent goes together, and he knows ~ absolutely the square root of jack ~ BLEEP ~ about food and cooking.
I wonder if anybody else I wonder if the viewers find Hammond's chirpy, upbeat, Ross-on-Wye mannerisms as aggravating as I do? Right, everything is now taped up, so let's see if it starts.
HE SIGHS (There you go.
) At the campsite, I was returning with our evening meal.
I hope he's hungry.
Hello! Hello! Dinner is here.
Yeah! ~ Meat.
~ Yeah, very funny ~ A lot of it.
~ Yeah, but we've done that joke, cos Jeremy did it in the top part of America.
~ Yeah.
About seven or eight years ago, you've probably forgotten.
This time it's different, this time it's better.
What you're going to have No, listen.
.
.
is a traditional, authentic gaucho barbecue.
That's a whole cow.
Hey, they eat a lot of meat round here.
Finish the tent.
I'll have it on in a moment.
Seriously.
Crack on.
Right.
It's a problem, essentially, of getting the wrapper off.
Several hours of peeling later, Hammond's dinner was underway.
And while we ate, we discussed the fate of our colleague.
If we hear the sound of two Well, or one cylinder, ~ it's probably the 2CV.
~ Yeah.
But any more than two, it must be the Porsche.
What if he couldn't fix it because he's stupid and ended up? No, but he's an expert on electrics.
Hang on that's an engine.
HE CHUCKLES What is it? It's the unhappiest man in the world, is what it is.
Oh, no! Oh, no! I really I honestly thought that would be CAR HORN HONKS ~ Oh, hang on.
That It's stalking us.
~ There it is! He's going to be so pleased with himself.
I have been doing manual labour.
Good God.
Really? I hardly like to admit it, but I was praying that the Porsche would turn up.
I didn't want to see it die.
That is absolutely fabulous.
~ I've actually got dirty hands from actual work.
~ Dirty hands.
What was it? I had to fix the loom, fix the ECU, and then find some metal, bolt that to the inner wing and reattach the top of the shock absorber to that.
~ Oh, well done.
~ Have you got any food for me? ~ Oh, has he?! ~ Ah! I'm not entire I can't remember where it came from, I sort of lost track.
There's a lot in a cow.
That's Um, that's a piece of it.
Have we got any vegetables? ~ Is that a vegetable over here? ~ Yeah.
Yeah, sausages.
Welcome to our little camp, that's the main thing.
Right, where is the hotel where we're staying? Well, I just said - welcome to our little camp.
What? Jeremy went to sleep that night quite cross.
So, to cheer him up, May and I came up with a plan.
(That one.
Right, I'll do these bits.
) (The thing is, it's not making any difference to him, ultimately.
) (It's making a difference to our lives.
) ~ (Oh!) ~ (That's quite good.
) ("Quite good"?!) (I'm turning that off.
Right, what else have we got?) (Another one of those on the other side.
) Every bone in their crotches.
That's what I'm going to break.
Why have you done this? It's all right, you get to look at an Esprit and a Mustang, we have to look at this all day, and it's dull.
We've brightened it up.
~ Have you got a suit? ~ Yes, I have.
~ Did you have it made, did you buy it? Did you say, "Could you put some gold epaulets on it and a Happy Mondays badge? "Can I have a Gay Pride lining?" Did you say that? No.
Yeah, but I wouldn't make you look at me in my boring suit day after day.
We're obliged to look at you in your boring car.
Now we look at something with some interesting styling cues dashed about.
No, it looks like a five-year-old wearing its mother's shoes.
Well, that's more interesting than it was.
It's better.
Why don't you put the campfire out, and use your face.
And there's one more thing, as well.
That's my map.
~ You're relieved of command.
~ I'm with that.
As we set off, the weather closed in.
I don't like this.
And in the blizzard, I discovered another comedy jape from my colleagues.
What in God's name? Why have you fitted my car with a brake light on the dash board.
Well, it'll be interesting to monitor your own braking.
Is it? Is it? James and Richard are the sort of people that would put a tortoise on its back, for fun.
In truth, though, I did have some genuine problems.
My speedo, my rev counter, oil pressure gauge, fuel gauge, temperature gauge, my trip computer, all dead.
Hammond's car wasn't much better.
Um, can anyone else smell burning? And we still had 900 miles to go.
It was a dried up lake bed.
I see it now as a racetrack Oh, that was! GLASS SMASHES Argh! Can you remember where the road was? This was a mistake.
Just get on.
It's bloody dangerous, this.
Bloody dangerous.
I claim this land for Norfolk and name it Lotus Beach.
Please move, Porsche, please move.
HE CHUCKLES There you go! Rally stage.
I didn't tell him I had a bad back.
Aya! Arrive Ushuaia, build stadium, play football, do diplomacy.
What can possibly go wrong with that? Bikes behind the star cars, bikes behind the star cars.
They're looking for the Porsche.