Top Gear (2002) s21e09 Episode Script

Patagonia Special, Part 2

1 Hello and welcome to the second part of the Top Gear Christmas Special, the part where it all goes wrong.
As you probably saw in the first programme, we were doing an homage to the V8, driving all the way across Patagonia, from the town of Bariloche here, on our way to Ushuaia in Tierra del Fuego.
Now Ushuaia is the city from which the battleship Belgrano sailed on its final voyage at the beginning of the Falklands War, and as a result of that, the British are not overly popular down there.
In a bid to build bridges, we were planning to build a stadium when we got there, and play an Argentinian team at car football.
However, there was a problem.
Someone on an Argentinian website noticed that the car I was driving sported the number plate H982 FKL and they wondered if perhaps this was a reference to the 1982 Falklands War.
Now we'd been made aware of the issue shortly after we arrived in Argentina but there was nothing really we could do.
I mean, you can't just change a car's number plates.
We did, however, develop a plan that would solve the issue when we arrived in Ushuaia.
Unfortunately, as you will see at the end of what follows, we were never given the chance.
1,600 miles in a Lotus? RICHARD HAMMOND SNORTS Petrified forests, mysterious lakes.
This is all very odd.
Not looking, not looking, not looking, not looking.
Ow! Oh.
I think Hammond really loves that Mustang.
Ow! I've lost another gear.
It's your route, it's your route.
This road, it's killing the car! The dashboard is a Christmas tree and the car has stopped.
It's dead.
The Porsche is dead.
It's all very well being rude about the people of Norfolk but so far they seem to have built the best car.
If you'll say, "Jeremy, your car is not boring," I will give you a tow.
I know who it is.
That's their idea of a comedy back-up car.
I couldn't do that.
Could you do that? How can they do that? Stop doing Butch Cassidy things, please.
Not now.
Why have you fitted my car with a brake light on the dashboard? Every bone in their crotches.
That's what I'm going to break.
We began day six in Argentina on yet another one of Patagonia's endless gravel roads.
70 miles now and I haven't seen a corner or another car.
70 miles.
Mustang country.
As this was quite monotonous, I decided we should do some cornering.
So I hatched a plan.
You know what this is, don't you? ~ Dried-up lakebed.
~ Yeah, it is.
It WAS a dried-up lakebed.
I see it now as a racetrack.
Yeah.
We could replicate any track in the world here, and we shall.
'I therefore decided to make a carbon copy 'of our favourite circuit, 'Imola.
' So here we go - this is the Tamburello I'm making, here.
It's a long, sweeping left-hander.
Through the "S"s, like so.
Lovely job.
That's a lovely corner, there.
I've just made a lovely corner.
Right, good.
The track is made.
'I must confess, the finished product looked more like a placenta 'than Imola, but we were all looking forward to staging 'the inaugural V8 desert marathon.
' I'm going to turn petrol into dust and noise.
In three How many laps? ~ Oh.
~ 50? ~ Many.
Let's do 100.
In three, two, one.
Hit it.
Short shifting into second.
And into third, and already my lead is commanding and excellent.
~ You ~ BLEEP! They think you're all boring.
Whoa, you're not boring now! Oh, ho, ho, ho! Oh, I'm on the inside of James, here.
Sod it.
Ah! Hammond is going like a crazy man.
Go on, Stang, go on, fella.
Whoo-hoo, that was a Ah! That way's Oh, no - I've gone wrong! Heroic manoeuvre from the mighty Mustang.
That is James May coming through.
Argh! Damn and blast! Got him.
Oh, no! 'In the next half hour, there were more overtaking moves 'than you get in a whole season of Formula 1.
'It was brilliant.
' Hammond and I are Yes, we are side by side.
The most almighty battle.
Like gladiators, but a bit fatter.
Oh, really wide.
Yep, that is a Lotus Esprit - famed throughout the world for being one of the most unreliable cars ever made.
And look at it.
Oh, nicely done.
I can't see anything.
Wah! This is an endurance race.
That's what you need to remember.
because the Mustang will break.
'And sure enough' Ooh, that was a! Argh! Argh! 'I called a halt before anything else went wrong.
'But it already had.
' METAL CLANKS Oh, my God.
Things you want in your carburettor - fuel, air and that's it.
You don't want rocks.
Well, it was definitely time to stop.
~ Yeah.
~ Draw, shall we call it a draw? ~ Yes.
~ We can call it a draw.
~ Yes.
Do you remember where the road was? ~ Which side did we come onto the lake? ~ That side, I think.
~ No, we didn't.
~ We came from that side.
~ No, we didn't.
We had the hills to our right, so I still think it's over there.
Well, we didn't drive over this stuff to get to the lake, did we? Yeah, but we could have been round it.
I think we came in from there.
'Unable to agree, I put myself in charge 'and told the others to follow.
' I'm telling you, it's back that way.
I know he's got the most brilliant sense of direction in the world This was a mistake.
Very soft there, very soft there, keep going, keep going, very soft.
Oooh! Ooh.
Here goes nothing.
Wouldn't ordinarily do this with a 928, but I've never felt more hopelessly lost.
'After many hours, we did find the road, 'but our path to it was blocked by a locked gate.
' That fence goes on forever.
Well, just knock it over.
What do you mean, knock it over? I'll use my Mustang, I'll just drive at the fence and flatten it ~ What, and then leave the owner a note? ~ Yes.
And a few dollar I mean it's a bit of fence, ~ he could put that back up.
~ Hammond, what will the note say? "Sorry we broke your fence and let all your animals escape, "and, by the way, the Falklands are British.
" We're supposed to be mending fences, not knocking them down.
~ Oh, he's got his map.
~ Oh, good.
We're saved(!) Right, look.
We were coming We are We went into this desert to do the racing.
~ So we've come off the road somewhere here.
~ Mm.
~ It can't be more than 20k to Tres Lagos.
~ Mm-hm.
And get some bolt cutters.
~ 20k? ~ Mm-hm.
~ 12 miles.
~ We could walk it.
~ We could walk that.
~ I can't walk 12 miles.
~ What else do you suggest? ~ No.
~ No.
~ No.
~ No.
~ No.
~ No.
~ No.
It's minus-one.
I am allergic to walking.
HORSE WHINNIES Just no.
I know those horses we rode in Burma, they were like Caterhams.
~ These are like Ford Granadas.
~ How do you know? Cos they look like Ford Granadas.
~ They don't.
~ They do.
Just get on.
~ Hello, horse.
~ Hola.
Hello, horse.
I shall call you Burger.
~ Oh, that's not gone well.
Oh, ~ BLEEP.
HORSE WHINNIES That's not gone well.
You all right, mate? You all right? HORSE WHINNIES Stay still, stay still.
You all right? You all right? Just stay still, stay still, stay still.
You're just winded.
I guess we're walking, then.
'Leaving James in the hands of our doctor, 'Hammond and I set off on the long walk into town, 'which gave us time to chat about many things.
' And it did the weirdest thing.
It looked up and I thought, "Oh, it's going to go mental and run away.
" It walks towards the peacock, so it was interested.
See, I hate both ~ They live on a diet of meat and nothing else.
~ Yeah.
Yeah.
Which must ruin their colons.
And if you then spend 12 hours in the saddle, hammering it flat, it'll be like trying to pass a dustbin lid.
No, cos I think that's really weird, that snails give trout piles.
In town we found a shop and bought the bolt cutters.
And when we returned, we discovered that James had cracked three ribs and completely lost his sense of humour.
What the hell was Clarkson thinking of, even suggesting? What was I thinking of, listening to him? Horses are a part of the countryside.
The countryside is for driving through and looking at.
That is ~ BANG ~ Ah! God! 'Happily, Clarkson soon got a bit of payback.
' ~ Oh, for ~ BLEEP ~ sake.
I am out of fuel.
What a rotten bit of luck.
Oh.
No, it isn't fuel.
It's not turning over.
Oil pressure light, anything? I think it could be alternator-related.
It's been a long day today.
Sorry for being boring, viewers, and having a car that works perfectly.
Lovely evening.
There's the problem.
That WAS the alternator belt.
HE SIGHS 'With night falling, I was back on the road, 'but not out of trouble.
' Sit rep.
I didn't have a spare alternator belt, so I put a new battery in the boot, which now isn't being charged, which means I can't run with any electrical equipment on - no lights, no heater, nothing.
'50 miles from the overnight holt, 'I caught up with one of my colleagues, 'but he wasn't much help.
' Hammond, is that the full range of your lights? Yeah, that's it, that's all I got.
Just one.
I have literally nothing at all, nothing.
Oh, bollocks, THAT'S still working.
Yeah, the one thing I don't want is your joke brake light.
Sorry, is that less than funny now? 'Hammond offered to ride shotgun so we could share his headlight.
' If you can get your nose slightly in front of my nose Absolutely no difference at all.
'And then night fell completely.
' It's bloody dangerous, this.
Bloody dangerous.
It's about 30k to where we've got to end up tonight.
I don't know if there's 30k in that battery in Jeremy's car.
Almost certainly not.
That is concentration now.
I'm tired now, I'm really tired.
And scared.
~ BANG ~ Oh, ~ BLEEP! Oh, I never saw that coming.
Ten miles to the hotel.
'By using "the Force", I made it in one piece, 'and the next morning, after James had leapt into his Lotus' HE GROANS Ah! '.
.
we hit the road.
' Couldn't mend my car last night because, well, we couldn't get an alternator belt in this town, amazingly.
And the dashboard is unmendable.
So I just fiddled with Hammond's car instead.
It was more fun, I thought.
HORN PLAYS LA CUCARACHA Oh! Have you wired my brake pedal to my air horn? Yes, I have.
Have you also taken the time to put the air horn inside the car? ~ Yes, I did.
~ HORN PLAYS LA CUCARACHA Ow! Oh, God! HORN PLAYS LA CUCARACHA 'Meanwhile, in Frankie Dettori's car' ~ Oh, ~ BLEEP, ~ ah! ~ BLEEP ~ hell! Sorry, viewers.
~ Hammond? ~ Yes? We're staying tonight at a town called I think it's called Calafate, something like that.
Apparently there's a freestyle trampoline competition going on, £100 first prize.
Oh, well, I think we're signed up.
~ We're also signed up for the piggyback race.
~ Excellent.
'Soon we started to get a bit distracted by the backdrop.
' Bloody Nora, look at that! What's that all about? 'We had to stop and take a moment.
' HORN PLAYS LA CUCARACHA Look at that.
I mean, look at it.
~ That really is actually a spectacular view.
~ It is.
~ That's one of the best, actually.
~ That is a film set.
Those mountains, they must be I've never heard of them, but they're Well, it's the Andes.
~ What? ~ Could you just take a quick picture and then show it to me? ~ It's easier.
~ Oh, no, my phone's flat.
Hop out.
~ We'll help you.
~ Even at the best of times, that's an idiotic expression.
Nobody hops out of a car.
~ Jump out.
~ Nobody jumps out of a car, nobody hovers, nobody leaps out.
~ He's quite grumpy.
~ Nobody pops.
~ Back pain does that to people.
~ It does.
~ It puts them in a bad mood.
~ It does.
'Back on the road, I started to think about the football stadium 'we'd have to build at journey's end.
' Um, I've had a thought.
What? Builders don't turn up in Porsches or Lotuses or Ford Mustangs.
At some point, we're going to have to make our cars a bit more workman-like.
I get you.
OK.
'And so, that afternoon, 'after a wonderful drive on glorious roads, we reached El Calafate.
' HORN PLAYS LA CUCARACHA Oh, sorry.
They've wired it up.
'And there we found what we needed.
' Looks like a workshop.
We can use that.
We can do work.
MUSIC: Theme from The A- DOGS BARK It doesn't work.
Er "Largos.
" "Gruesos.
" 24 hours later, our modifications were complete.
CAR BEEPS At the front, I have mended the alternator belt and fitted these stripes so May and Hammond stop calling me a businessman.
At the back, I've been a little more radical.
I have converted my 928 into"an" pick-up truck.
~ HORN PLAYS LA CUCARACHA ~ Ooh! What on earth is this all for? Lights.
Well, I had a problem with my lights - I have addressed that.
Why, in such an enormous car, have you fitted the roll cage on the outside? Yeah, the exoskeleton.
Because, well, it leaves more room inside, doesn't it? What you've done is you've made your already very big car ~ even bigger, and you've fitted the spoiler ~ Yep.
~ .
.
from the back ~ Yeah.
Still got the spoiler on it.
~ Have you had this in a wind tunnel? Not yet, no.
HE CLEARS THROA And then ~ Oh, my word! ~ I know! It's the most logical thing in the world, really, if you think about it.
Mustang.
Pick-up.
'Hammond and I had also raised our cars' ride height, 'which is more than James had done.
' Oh, look, here he comes.
Er Um What What HAS he done? It's, um (He hasn't done anything.
) We can speed this up in the edit, can't we? We'll walk slowly and then we can speed this up.
HE SPEAKS SLOWLY: Hi, James.
Right, and back to normal speed now.
What have you been doing? Well, I've largely been having hot and cold baths to ease my aching bones.
~ James.
~ Yeah? ~ We've made pick-up trucks.
You've done absolutely nothing.
How are you going to carry any of the supplies and the tools we need? Aha.
Aha what? This is brilliant.
Oh, I see! What, behind this? Seriously? ~ Behold.
~ Towbar, yeah, I see, so this is your trailer.
That's my trailer.
Right, so we're all ready, and I'm going to be in front ~ because I have fitted my car with sat nav.
~ Have you? None of the dials will work ever again - it's a complete electronic mishmash in there.
Oh, I see! 'As we headed out of town, 'there were a few accidents with James' trailer.
' BANGING BANGING This is brilliant.
Now James has a trailer, we can run into him ~ Oi.
Not funny.
~ Sorry! .
.
without damaging his Lotus.
We annoy him, we don't damage the Lotus.
Win-win.
And Hammond's go.
Oh, this is like tennis! 'Out on the highway, 'I discovered that not all of my mods had worked very well.
' I haven't improved the forwards visibility so much, because there's a bar across my windscreen.
Yeah, that's better.
'My sat nav mod, however, had worked very well, 'and as a result, I was able to come up with a time-saving plan.
' DOG BARKS OK, we are here.
We've got to go here, Ushuaia - southernmost city in the world, and so on, yeah? Now, this is the road.
Look - it's tarmac, gravel, tarmac, gravel, ferry, onto Tierra del Fuego, back into Argentina and then all the way to there, yeah? Now, I think we've already proved the Porsche can handle anything ~ that Patagonia throws at it.
~ Wait a minute.
We haven't, have we? ~ I mean, we've proven the opposite.
~ It's here.
~ It fell apart.
One suspension component failure, that's it, which broke the electrics.
So the suspension and all the electrics failed.
~ One leg broke.
~ And then the alternator belt went.
Listen, let's not get bogged down ~ with whose car's broken down the most.
Now ~ Cos it's yours.
~ .
.
since we need to get on with this ~ OK, yeah.
~ .
.
all three of us have got here.
Yes? ~ Yeah.
~ Yes.
All three of us.
And I have a suggestion.
Punta Arenas.
No look, honestly it's brilliant.
You have to use a ferry to get to Tierra del Fuego, OK? ~ Cos it's an island.
~ Yes.
~ So I'm saying we go here.
Punta Arenas.
~ Oh, I see.
~ Yeah? Get on a ferry there - it's further on the boat - and then get to Ushuaia that way.
~ Ferry.
~ Ferry.
~ Right.
Good.
'With the plan agreed, we soldiered on.
' Go to Punta Arenas, catch boat, arrive Ushuaia, build a stadium, play football, do diplomacy.
What can possibly go wrong with that? 'As it turned out, absolutely everything.
'But for now, we were heading once more for Chile and Punta Arenas.
'And, after many miles of being bounced around, 'the Porsche developed another fault.
' RUSHING AIR SHOUTING: As you can probably hear, my sunroof has partially opened and won't close again! And because I'm driving into the wind, it's quite loud in here! Oh, God.
Please! 'Eventually, though, I came up with an ingenious solution.
' Yes, this has solved the problem.
If you've just joined us Oh, I can't explain.
It has slightly impeded our progress, if you don't mind me saying.
He is going to be a little bit surprised, this chap overtaking our convoy.
But, um sorry.
'Soon we reached the border post, where I mended my sunroof 'and Hammond did his thang with the back of his Mustang.
' MUSIC: Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye 'Then, we were back in Chile.
' I've just passed the most fantastic road sign.
It said Fin del Mundo.
The End of the World.
We're heading for the end of the world.
MUSIC: Big Love by Fleetwood Mac 'Eventually, our brilliant, wonderful, magical cars 'reached the port of Punta Arenas, 'and before boarding the ferry to Tierra del Fuego, 'we decided to buy some things for our football stadium.
' Pies, beer, goalposts, corner posts, a trophy.
And we need three or four former footballers in a studio to talk about the football.
'In the town centre, we split up to do shopping.
' I don't really want to get out of the car if I can avoid it, because I've got a bad back.
This looks like the sales assistant.
IN SPANISH: The man says this isn't real grass, it's synthetic.
You'd never know.
Sorry.
Goal! Right, what else do I need? BLEEP.
'Soon our shopping trip was complete.
' Corner flags, got the box, cement, hammer, good.
Astroturf, beer, beer, beer.
What is this? Oh, this? This, gentlemen, is magnificent.
That's what it is.
This is the trophy that will be presented to the winning team after our game of football.
It is striking, and I'm very glad it's the trophy, because for one second I thought it was your present to me.
Actually, I have actually bought you a present.
It's I know where we're going is very cold so you'll need to stay warm, so I've got you that.
Um Oh, I say.
Oh, thank you very much.
'Richard and I had also bought James something.
' To remind you of this extraordinary trip that we have been on.
What? ~ Oh, seriously, that's ~ Cos we know you love horses.
~ Look at the face on it.
~ Oh, thanks, lads.
~ I've got a warm glow.
'With the trophy loaded up' ~ Oh, yeah.
~ Careful, careful.
'.
.
we headed for the port.
' Right, the ferry.
And what a fine-looking craft she is.
'As the captain was keen to catch the tide, 'Clarkson and I boarded quickly.
'However' No, he's got No, you've blown that before you've even started, James.
This trailer is really badly behaved.
Why won't it? No.
Oh, it's a bit It's S-ing a bit.
Now, if you caught it now No.
CLANGING No.
JEREMY CLARKSON LAUGHS All these people, lorry drivers wondering why there's a delayed departure.
~ Yes, yes.
~ Yes.
~ This is it.
~ Yes.
James, take it No, slowly, slowly.
James, slowly left hand down, left hand down.
~ He's crashed into the boat.
~ Yeah.
'With darkness falling and the tide all wrong, James finally made it.
' CLAPPING Yeah, you see Well done, mate.
That was tremendous.
Really, really the best hour and a half entertainment I've had in a long time.
You seen that? That is the southernmost tip of the American continent.
Right there.
~ It's a significant spot on the globe, isn't it, this? ~ It is.
FERRY HORN BLARES REPEATEDLY It was not the most comfortable voyage in history but we forgot all about that the next morning, when the sunrise revealed the spectacular islands of Tierra del Fuego.
However, there was a problem.
For political reasons, we can't go to Ushuaia on this boat.
What sort of political reasons? Well, all these islands here belong to Chile, OK, ~ but Argentina think they're theirs.
~ No! ~ I know! But anyway, let's not get bogged down with that.
The captain's very kindly said he'll drop us here, ~ and then there's a track - can you see? ~ Oh, yeah, there it is, look.
That goes down there, to Ushuaia.
'Sadly, for geological reasons, the ferry couldn't dock at the track.
'So the captain dropped us off a mile down the beach.
' Here we go.
James May is on Tierra del Fuego.
I claim this land for Norfolk, and name it Lotus Beach.
Oh, yes! Yea-eah! We are going to Ushuaia.
Cock.
Er, chaps, the Lotus is beached on Lotus Beach.
Oh, good, that's a massive hole(!) If we take this off and smash it to pieces, we can use the slats ~ Yeah.
~ To make a sort of sand ladder in front of him to get him up ~ and out of this.
~ I bought a pickaxe - it's in there somewhere - which is excellent.
There it is, in fact.
~ Right, if you do the ropes, ready? ~ Hang on, hang on.
Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Take it out of the trailer before you No, no - why would I do that? This is the right height.
~ Yeah, but you can ~ Hold on, hold on.
~ .
.
lever it.
~ That's the wrong tool for the ~ Stop.
~ You can lever it.
~ Still got the plastic protector on the end of the pickaxe.
~ Oh, yeah.
~ I'm not ~ Aha! ~ You're just breaking the slats up.
~ Now you can't use it.
If you jam If you put it on the ground and jam the prong in there, ~ you can lever them up and lever them off.
~ Exactly.
Well, that's it, then - I'm not helping.
I've done all I can do.
THAT isn't going to really help.
'I decided to leave them to it and go on ahead.
' What an absolute Ahh! HE WHEEZES Ooh.
Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
~ HE GROANS ~ BLEEP.
In three, two, one and go.
And we're through.
'Up ahead, after we'd rounded an apparently pointless 'wooden fence obstacle, there was a problem.
' Oh, God, look at it.
Massive boulders.
Won't go over that, won't go over that.
~ Cos, Hammond, look down there.
~ Won't go over that.
~ Look at the next bit.
Won't go over any of that.
'Luckily, the backs of our cars were full of stuff 'we could use to make progress.
' Ow! Bit of right.
Quite a lot of right! ~ No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
~ What? Oh, bloody hell! Three, two, one, and go.
No, it's not helping at all.
~ Now left, full left, full left.
~ Do you mean right? Full right, sorry.
Lever.
Oh, yes! 'In five hours, we had moved just 200 yards 'and our cars were taking such heavy punishment That is clutch.
'.
.
that we completely failed to notice the rising tide.
' Oh, God.
~ BLEEP.
~ Hammond, go now.
James, get out of the way.
Ooh.
Go round me.
'Up ahead, the beach narrowed so much 'that soon the tide would cut us off completely.
'What we needed now, more than ever, was teamwork.
' I'm sorry, it's every man for himself now.
The situation is actually quite perilous.
Come on, Porsche, please, please, please, please.
~ Ow, ~ BLEEP! Oh, for God's sake.
That's punched a hole in the door.
The tide is moving four inches every ten minutes.
'Meanwhile, back where Jeremy had left us' CARS REV HEAVILY This is going wear the clutch out if I'm not careful.
~ BLEEP! ~ Come on! Please move, Porsche, please move.
Come on, yes, you brilliant car.
Come on.
Come on, Porsche, come on.
Eh-ya! Go on.
Oh, God.
Sorry, this is really brutal.
I'm not stopping.
Get bogged down if I stop.
Got a puncture, I've got a knackered clutch.
'Just in time, I made it to the pinch point.
' Come on, come on, through the sea.
'And moments later, I was joined by Hank B Hammond.
' RICHARD HAMMOND CHUCKLES Right, only the Lotus now.
I'll be staggered if I get through this bit.
Oh, yes! 'Of course, it's traditional on TV these days 'that everyone always makes it, 'but this is Top Gear, so we didn't.
'James, therefore, parked his car above the high water mark, 'locked it, weirdly, 'and we made camp, which for once wasn't so bad.
' What a view that is.
It's mind-blowing.
It is mind-blowing.
I think we have to all agree that Tierra del Fuego is THE most beautiful place in the world.
~ I'll go with that.
Yeah.
~ I'm happy to accept that.
~ What are we eating, by the way? ~ Beaver.
What? Beaver.
There's a plague of them here, honestly.
Back in '46, Peron introduced 25 pairs of beaver down here.
There are now hundreds of thousands of them.
Half the riparian forest around here, half of it, has gone as a result of beavers.
Cos the beaver here likes hardwood.
And you can eat it? ~ I'll let you know in a minute.
~ Mate of mine said he did once.
What, a mate of yours said he'd eaten beaver? ~ Yeah, I didn't believe him.
~ I shall try it.
I'm fairly sure I don't like beaver, actually.
I mean, I'll eat anything, as you know.
I'll just warm you a piece up, Hammond.
'It was a wonderful evening, 'and after the sun went down, it got even better.
' 'The next morning at low tide, we rescued the Lotus 'and set off on the final leg of our journey to Ushuaia.
'However, our cars had been badly bruised by the beach assault 'and there was another issue' We've used a lot of the stuff we bought in Punta Arenas to build the stadium to get us off that beach.
That's James May's trailer.
That's all he's got left.
Plank of wood, wheelbarrow and toy horse.
'Spirits, though, were high as we reached 'what would be the final mountain range.
'We could almost smell the victory.
' Well, this is lovely, isn't it? This is the most scenic bit yet.
'Jeremy and I, however, 'were too busy enjoying ourselves to notice the view.
' Whoa! There you go.
Yeah! Rally stage.
And stick it into the corner.
Power it round.
Little bit of boot, full of opposite lock.
Yes, I'm going well.
Oh, hang on.
Whoa! Whoa! No, no, no, no.
BANG Turns out I'm not good at rallying.
There's evidence to suggest neither am I.
'Both of us were stuck.
'But luckily we had the right equipment 'for such a cold-weather emergency.
' The beaver we ate last night, we made some clothes out of it's Out of its fur, and that's going to be handy now.
Beaver mittens.
~ You know that carpet you're carrying? ~ Yeah.
We could use that, couldn't we, to get going? ~ It is INCREDIBLY heavy.
~ I've got a bad back.
Right, let's get this out.
Then we can get the carpet out, get it underneath the tyres and then we can be a-way.
There we go, okey-dokey.
Right, Hammond, I've got it, right, go, just walk away.
~ Out the door? ~ Just walk away.
~ Do you want me to turn around now? ~ Cos you're not welcome anymore.
~ OK.
I should have changed that stupid lock, should have thrown away the key, if I'd have known for one second you'd be back Yes, the lyrics go on, we know that.
Put it on the floor.
I can't put it on the floor! It's not going down! Oh! SMASHING 'Sadly, the carpet wasn't a solution.
'And then we saw why.
' So that wheel is straight, that one is hard left.
Oh, Holy Moley! Something massive has snapped underneath.
When was the last time somebody saw the 2CV? 'Having assessed the situation, I dug myself out, 'fired up my stereo 'and left.
' It's sad, so sad It's a sad, sad situation And it's getting more and more absurd Sorry.
In three, two, one.
Here I go.
'Having towed my colleague 'out of the way, I then left as well.
'And soon I caught up with Clarkson.
' So his wheel fell off in Bolivia, off his Landcruiser, wheel fell off his Subaru in Tanzania, the wheel's come off his Mustang here.
Well, the constant factor in all of those wheel-falling-off incidents is the driver.
SMASHING I really genuinely believe Hammond has had it.
Absolutely had it.
That car is mendable if it were in Stevenage, but it isn't.
'And, having removed the wheel, I felt the same way.
' That is the culprit.
Track rod end, this fixes here, decides where the wheel is pointing, and clearly all the rest of it's gone - it's just sheared.
And there's nothing to suggest it was going to if I hadn't hit the big wall of ice.
'James and I pushed on towards the final border crossing 'back into Argentina.
'But when we reached it, we couldn't help noticing it was a river, 'and something important was missing.
' Well, why isn't there a bridge? I know we've hit a few problems in the last 24 hours, but that's our biggest yet.
Is it? How deep is it? It's not so much the depth - it's Look, it's muddy and we'll get stuck getting Oh, look.
Something's been driving through it.
You can see the tracks.
Well, what about that? That lorry must have driven through it to be there.
Buenas tardes! What's the Spanish for, "Does your lorry back over here, "and could you lift our cars onto it?" ~ Hola Oh, he's driving off.
~ Oh, God.
I thought that was a bit too good to be true.
~ No, wait.
~ Oh, wait a minute.
~ Wait a minute.
Well, perhaps this is his business.
Perhaps it's a ferry.
It's a lorry ferry.
Is that? I suppose it's possible.
'If it was a ferry, it didn't seem very at home in the water.
ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH 'And it didn't have the most sophisticated system 'for loading the car.
' I'm not sure I want to put my Porsche on that.
Go.
Oh, God.
I'm stuck.
~ Oh, God.
~ Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! What if there's nowhere to turn it on the other side? What if I can't get off? Oh, my God! JAMES MAY LAUGHS That's SO shonky.
His stupid car on the back of a lorry.
We're in the river now! We're in the river.
It's deep! Deep, deep, deep river.
Right, I'm across the river Hold on, how do I get off? How do I get off? 'Eduardo Stobart had thought of that, and having deposited me BANG '.
.
he went back to get James.
' I'm on.
'But sadly there was no room for his trailer.
' I'm taking Brokeback in the car with me.
Oh, ow! Here we go! I didn't tell him I had a bad back.
Aya! 'James was deposited gently on the bank' Ow.
Okey-doke, right, good, we're both in definitely Argentina now.
'And then we were interrupted by a familiar sound.
' CAR ENGINE IN DISTANCE Is that? It can't be.
Not going to lose me that easily, boys.
That is the Mustang.
How the hell's he mended that? 'Unfortunately, Hammond then rather spoiled the majesty of his arrival.
' He's stuck.
I'm stuck.
JEREMY LAUGHS Jeremy and James, is that you over there? It certainly is.
Well, you come over the river and then you're in Argentina.
Oo-ee! Well, yeah, hello, yeah, but how do I come over the river? You drive over it.
It's a ford.
~ It's not a ford, it's a river.
~ We drove over.
Easy.
'Sadly, because Hammond was bogged down, 'we had to ask a local digger driver to go and get him.
' OK, could you "chuga-chuga" over and then tow? ~ DRIVER SPEAKS SPANISH ~ Eh? ~ DRIVER SPEAKS SPANISH ~ Yes.
'Thanks to my brilliant miming, the kindly chap was soon on his way.
' I mean, Hammond thinks we drove across it.
He's in for quite a surprise in a minute.
Yeah, this is suddenly seeming like not such a good idea.
Oh.
Oh, it's deep.
Is that the bottom of the doors? Yeah, it's the bottom of the doors.
WATER POURING Oh, there is water coming in.
Lot of water now in my car.
If he sees this lorry He might be really angry, actually.
We might have to hide.
There is water coming out, quite a lot of it.
Where are they? Should've seen James coming across the river.
It was almost up to the top of the windows.
Phenomenal.
~ Yeah.
~ You got them quite muddy again in the drive from the river to here.
'The next day, we were on the road early, with Hammond worrying about 'the quality of his alpine track rod end fix.
I hope that weld holds.
If it doesn't, this shot is going to get very tumbly.
Sky, ground, sky, ground, sky, ground, screaming.
'But there were only a few miles to go to Ushuaia, and there, 'a team of locals had already begun the groundwork for our stadium.
'They were using shipping containers, 'which would form the framework, and we had even lined up 'some football cars for the Argentinians to use.
' But then we received word that up ahead there was some kind of protest about our visit, and the producers decided it'd be best if we went to a nearby hotel.
Who's that lot in the car park, James? Do you know? No.
I've seen them before, but I'm not sure who they are.
Well, this lot are taking a lot of interest in the camera vehicles.
What is it? I don't know what these blokes came out of but they're heading this way.
They're coming down the front.
Who is? Are they coming up here? ~ BLEEP.
~ James, please keep your face back.
You've seen the vehicle there with the flag and all that kind of stuff.
We were getting There must be about 10 or 15 in the foyer just now.
I've spoke to the manager.
He's a little bit Nothing Not a lot that he can do, so I think at the moment, if we all stay in our rooms All right.
Here's the situation.
We're holed up in this room.
I don't know whose it is but it isn't ours There's a gang .
.
nationalists, whatever, believe that the Falklands are Argentinian, they don't like the British, and they're in the hotel.
And we're stuck in here and we don't know what's going on.
'The protestors consisted of some Falkland War veterans 'and their associates, 'who said that if we didn't stop filming, there would be trouble.
'The arrival of the police made us realise this was no idle threat.
' HE SPEAKS SPANISH The head veteran accused us of putting a fake number plate on the Porsche, that was a deliberate reference to the Falklands War.
Our producers tried to explain it wasn't fake and that it would be replaced for the game of football, but they got nowhere.
We're in a meeting with the police now.
Are you saying we've got to get the hell out of Tierra del Fuego? Absolutely.
We're being ordered to leave Tierra del Fuego, yes? We are.
They want us, as people, out.
We have just been ordered out of Tierra del Fuego, ordered out of - effectively - Argentina.
But we haven't We haven't had any animosity whatsoever in the whole trip.
Everybody's been perfectly decent, very charming.
All we wanted to do was come here and play football, and what's happened is 'The producers said it would take 24 hours 'to organise the departure of such a large crew, 'but even though the police were present, 'the veterans said a mob was on its way 'and that there would be violence if we weren't gone in three.
' Right, guys, everyone grab a bit of equipment, please.
Everyone grab something, OK? Do we get an escort? 'Meanwhile, the three of us, who were the main target 'for the protesters' anger, were still holed up in our room.
' Now, we've been doing a whole load of Butch Cassidy stuff on the way over here, and ~ Come on.
~ This is Butch Cassidy for real.
Guys, everyone in the cars.
With four tonnes of equipment loaded into the cars, the 31-strong film crew headed out of town.
And soon darkness fell.
A police escort would take them 184 miles to the border town of San Sebastian, where they'd cross over into Chile, and since the protestors' demands had been met, the crew hoped they were out of danger.
But a short while later, they realised they were not alone.
Bikes behind the star cars.
Bikes behind the star cars.
They're stopping and looking in.
They're looking for the Porsche.
On the only road, in the middle of nowhere, with no phone signal, the crew were being hounded.
CAR BEEPS They're going to be aggressive.
Then, just outside the town of Tolowin, the police told the convoy to pull over and prepare for an attack.
As they drove into town, a large mob was waiting.
The people on the left, a lot of people on the left.
~ BLEEP ~ hell, look at this.
~ Yeah, there's a lot of people here.
~ BLEEP.
~ BLEEP, ~ they're everywhere.
And they were organised.
~ And there's a truck slowing us down too.
~ BLEEP.
The truck blocking the right-hand lane.
~ It's too slow.
That's a deliberate ~ BLEEP ~ truck, just put there.
They're coming out.
HE GASPS BLEEP.
The first couple of hits were from eggs.
But then the rocks started.
Throwing stones, throwing stones.
Stuff lobbed at us.
BANGING ~ BLEEP ~ drive, ~ BLEEP ~ drive! SIRENS WAIL You all right? Look at this lot.
BANGING AND SIRENS BLEEP.
SIRENS MAN SHOUTING IN SPANISH Keep it going, keep it going.
BLEEP.
BANGING AND SIRENS Look out, look out on your right, look out on your right.
Go left, go left.
Keep going, keep going.
Now floor it to the right, floor it to the right.
BANGING Keep going.
Keep calm.
Keep calm.
Left.
Keep the convoy rolling.
Keep it going.
Keep Karl Karl, pull in in front of us.
BANGING Out of the town, the crew, two of whom had been hurt, pulled over to repair the multitude of smashed windows.
Right, let's help Dan on this one now.
And because they were a magnet for trouble, they had to abandon the Porsche, Ford and Lotus.
Back on the move, they were now heading for the much larger town of Rio Grande, where they were told a mob in some 300 cars was waiting.
Fearing for their lives, the crew abandoned the road and headed cross-country towards the river border we'd used earlier.
With the police escort hanging back to make sure the attackers hadn't spotted the ruse, the convoy made it to the river, where a few hours later daylight revealed the viciousness of the attack.
This time, there were no diggers or trucks to help ford the river.
Come on! But after many hours of struggle, our team made it across CARS BEEP CHEERING .
.
and into the welcoming arms of Chile.
We are happy to see you.
'Us three, meanwhile, had decided to conclude this whole sorry saga in 'the same way that Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid had ended theirs.
' I've had a great idea.
~ What? ~ Australia.
~ Australia? ~ Yeah, they've got horses, you could learn to ride.
~ No horses! Well, listen.
The important thing to remember when we get out of here is ~ Hang on, did you see the 2CV out there? ~ 2CV? No.
Oh, good.
For a moment then I thought we were in trouble.
Right.
Fuego! GUNFIRE Fuego! GUNFIRE PIANO MUSIC: Not Goin' Home Anymore by Burt Bacharach