Top Gear (2002) s24e06 Episode Script

Cry Wilderness

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to Top Gear.
Tonight, Chris and Rory head to Cuba to kick-start another revolution.
This time it's not communism, it's corners.
But first, I may have mentioned a time or two that I like a Porsche 911.
And I especially like this one, the GT3 RS.
It's less car, more surgical instrument.
See, for years, if you'd wanted something for the road AND the track, this has been the answer.
The benchmark, the undisputed champion.
But now there's a new contender that quietly begs to differ.
It comes from Mercedes.
And it's called the AMG GT R.
Like the 911 GT3 RS, it costs about £140,000.
But you get the sense that in creating the GT R, the goal was less surgical instrument, more the Hulk.
And, just like the Hulk, you wouldn't like it when it's angry.
Whoa! Whoa! I don't know what it's so upset about, but it seems really, really mad.
This thing is alive.
Oh, it's just brimming with energy.
Underneath that bonnet is a four-litre, twin-turbocharged V8.
I've got 580 horsepower.
I've got more than 500lb-ft of torque.
And in the exhaust is a trigger-happy firing squad.
EXHAUST RUMBLES There goes another one.
EXHAUST RUMBLES And another one.
And all that noise comes with plenty of speed.
Whoa-ho! 0 to 60 in 3.
5 seconds.
But the GT R feels faster.
As for top speed Well, Mercedes says the GT R isn't really about top speed, they're not bothered.
So, flat out, it'll only do 198mph.
I know.
I'll do my best to cope.
Fantastic! But to be a true GT3 RS rival, the big question is, how does it corner? And to be honest, this is the bit I'm kind of nervous about.
Because the normal AMG GT, the car Mercedes put on a Russian Olympic diet to make this GT R, that car has a lot of pitch under braking, which makes it twitchy and unpredictable on corners.
It's basically You never know when it's going to bite you in the ass.
And this car, they've given more power and less weight, which essentially makes it even bitier.
This could be interesting.
Oh, that's not bitey! That's brilliant.
There's so much grip.
That's because underneath that Marvel Comics paint job, there's a lightweight titanium exhaust, a race-tuned suspension, a whole new track-focused aero package .
and my favourite bit, rear-wheel steering.
See it? See it move? Cool, right? And that makes the GT R super agile in the slow corners, but super stable in the higher speed corners.
And the suspension keeps the car so flat, you can really tell what the tyres are up to and know exactly how hard you can push it.
Oh, yeah! That is nice.
That's real nice.
HE LAUGHS I love it.
And at top speed, this thing makes 155 kilos more downforce than the normal AMG GT.
I mean, me personally, I'd say it feels more like 153, 154, but, you know, I don't want to nit-pick.
Now, as a rule, to be a serious track weapon, a car should have its engine in the middle, not underneath a long bonnet way out in the front.
But with the GT R, looks can be deceiving.
Take a look at this.
This isn't the engine, it's just a cover to hide a bunch of crap nobody wants to see.
This is the engine.
Behind the front wheels.
So this IS a mid-engined car, you just don't sit in front of the engine, you sit behind it.
All of which makes it pretty handy around a racetrack, including, yes, that German racetrack.
Late last year, this car lapped the Nurburgring in 7 minutes, 11 seconds.
Now, say what you want about Nurburgring times, but that's way quicker than a Ferrari 488, way quicker than a Corvette ZR1, and, oh, yeah, way quicker than the Porsche GT3 RS.
Mercedes says no rear-drive road car has ever gone quicker.
So don't let its appearance fool you.
Yeah, the GT R might look like it wants to kick you in the cubes, but this really is a sophisticated track machine.
A genuine Porsche rival.
And I've got to say, I think that's a shame.
Because Mercedes, well, AMG, has spent years and years making tyre-smoking, socially unacceptable, nutjob cars.
And you don't want to throw away a reputation like that just for a Nurburgring lap time and a little, tiny spat with Porsche.
And you know what, they haven't.
That AMG animal is still in there.
You just have to unlock the cage.
And the key is in the GT R's race-car spec, nine-stage traction control system.
Here, in technical terms, is how it works.
This end .
Bruce Banner.
This end .
the Hulk.
And so far today, I've been sticking to the Bruce Banner end.
But do you know what happens when you turn it to the Hulk end? It gets mad.
HE CHUCKLES ENGINE REVS TYRES SCREECH I'm out of control, and I love it.
OK, that's definitely not the fastest way around a corner, but it sure is exhilarating.
This car is a hooligan, a hooligan.
This is an AMG.
No doubt about it.
Troublemaker! You're a troublemaker.
But I love you.
You know what, I was wrong.
I mean, yeah, sure, this car can play the part of a precise, sophisticated rival to the GT3 RS, but what it really is is a muscle car.
A muscle car built by the best F1 team on the planet, and that is a very, very good thing.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Wow! I mean, just look at it.
- Yeah.
Look at it! It's just sogreen.
LAUGHTER - Well, you're perceptive.
- No, I've been doing this a while.
I tell you what, though, this is not going to impress Nissan.
OK, what has that have to do with them? Nissan has built an entire brand around building a front engine, turbo-charged sports car called the GT-R.
Yeah? AMG comes along, builds a front engine, - turbo-charged sports car called the GT R.
- No, no, no.
See, the Nissan GT-R, that's G hyphen R.
This is a GT no hyphen R.
- Completely different.
- Come on.
So, I choose to release a brown liquid beverage called - Coca Cola, no hyphen, and that's absolutely fine? - No, no.
First of all, anything that starts with you releasing a brown liquid is definitely not fine.
No, no, no.
Right, now it's time for the big movement Moment.
Oh! LAUGHTER We need to find out how quick the GT no hyphen R is around our test track, and you know what that means.
It's time forThe Stig.
Off the line.
Managing traction, he short shifts to second quite quickly.
Now, this long run down to first corner.
Let's look what it looks like as it turns in.
Really flat, controlling all that roll, looks fast, but oversteer on the exit, managing it.
Now blending left, into Chicago.
A tight line so he can get it opened up and get on the gas.
It just looks like it wants to oversteer everywhere, but it looks stiff, doesn't it? It looks flat and it looks agile.
Braking hard, triggering those warning lights.
Hammerhead, what's it like through the right-hander direction change? Really good, actually.
Turned well, coming out, managing oversteer again.
But it seems that once he gets through that initial slip, he's got really good traction.
Through the follow-through.
That's just fast and flat again.
What's it going to be like when it booms through the tyres? Now, that was really, really fast.
Using all the circuit and the trail brake.
Into second to last.
Look at that, good, controlled driving from Stig.
Now, rolling down towards Gambon and over the line.
I think that's going to be a really fast time.
OK, now The old AMG GTS did it in 1.
5, which, that's pretty quick, too.
- That's a fast time.
- That is a fast time.
So we're looking to be somewhere way up here.
Now, the new AMG GT R did it in one minute 16 flat.
That's right there.
APPLAUSE - That is seriously quick.
- That's a quick time.
And And in the same conditions, we got The Stig to lap the GT3 RS.
Now, the GT3 RS did it in one minute 16.
Somove that Veyron down.
Get that thing out of the way.
LAUGHTER All right, there's that.
There it is, in black and white - the Mercedes is faster.
It is faster.
- I'd still have the Porsche, though.
- So would I.
I would too.
Loving that Merc.
Just to save you looking it up, that's even faster than the Smart Fortwo went round our track a couple of weeks ago.
I knew that Merc was quick.
All right.
OK Now it's time to welcome this week's guest.
He's a stand-up comedian, he also loves off-roaders, motorbikes and heavy machinery, so you two can probably just take off now.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ross Noble.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, hello! - How are you doing? - Hello.
Thank you very much.
- All right.
- Hi.
Now, you are into your bikes, I know, so did you ride down or drive down? No, I drove down today.
I brought my mate, so we came in the car.
I thought it best to turn up to Top Gear in a car.
What did you drive? My Land Rover Defender.
Defender, oh, OK.
Standard Defender or any tweaks? No, massive tweaks.
It's a Kahn, a fully customed - What I've done, right, is I've taken - Ooh I've taken a tin box and I've polished it up.
There it is, look.
That's my car.
Look at it.
It's a beauty.
I love the styling, too.
You've gone for the fully murdered-out look - - black on black on black.
That's gangster.
- Proper gangster.
You've got to admit that is a cool-looking thing.
- Have I? - Come on! I don't mind a Defender, but, I mean, the wheel arch extensions seem a bit a bit much.
It does look like it's trying a bit too hard.
To be fair, I do live in the country.
But don't the countryside folks sneer - at the fact that you've not got a normal Defender? - Yes.
They must see you as a bit arriviste and a bit like a townie in the country.
I like to annoy everyone.
Equally, at the same time.
Yes, it's No, but the thing I had, like, proper cars.
I had a Golf GTI and we had a 1960 Karmann Ghia, beautiful, wonderful cars The whole thing.
It was like you were at the end of EastEnders.
Driving down the drive LAUGHTER .
as you were heading down to the road.
HE IMITATES DOOF-DOOFS I wind the window down and start shouting Cockney things at people.
What about the driving position? I'm not a big man, and I find myself in there and my elbow is just doing this.
There's just no room in it.
It's not comfortable at all.
You are like that You're sitting in it This is us, like that.
Like that.
Then, I've got leather bucket seats in it as well, so I've taken the most uncomfortable car that money can buy and I've made it more uncomfortable.
Short of paying a man to sit behind me and do this all day long LAUGHTER You know So, what was your first car? My first car, I had a It was a Metro.
An MG Metro, it was.
I bought it off another comic for 150 quid.
He said to me, "That car is perfect.
"Just don't drive it over 70mph or it will go horribly wrong.
" I thought, "That's fair enough.
" So I never drove it Then there was one night I was a bit late, and I sort of maybe exceeded the speed limit a little bit.
I pulled up outside my house, I closed the door and it burst into flames.
It just literally burst into flames.
But you do drive yourself to gigs? Yeah, cos I had this instance This is one of the reasons why I thought it was important to drive.
I was at a train station and all the trains were delayed.
There was a replacement bus service.
This old woman was there It was a weird, strange old lady.
She was wearing sandals.
She had long, claw-like nails, which should have, sort of, rung alarm bells for me.
She said, "Where are you going?" I said, "Wolverhampton", or somewhere.
She went, "I'll drive you.
I'm going there anyway.
" This woman got me in her car and she We drove to We started driving, and then she said You know, chatting away and all the rest of it.
She went, "I want you to meet my daughter.
" She said, "Come and cheer her up.
" So, basically, she kidnapped me and drove me to a house.
Then her daughter, who was sort of bleary eyed, she dragged her out of bed and she went, "Go on.
Cheer her up.
" So I was now "Or you'll get the claw.
" "I'll rip your gizzards out.
" So I was then just in this house, just in this I'm going, "No, no, I really have to "I have to get to where I'm going.
" She went, "No, no, go on.
" The daughter didn't want this to be happening, I didn't want it to be happening.
It was all horrible.
I went, "I will never get the train again.
" Cos that's what happens - get the train, you'll end up in someone's house with a woman with claws.
Have you been back to visit? Yeah, we're engaged to be married.
She was most sensitive lover I've ever had.
Not the daughter, the old woman.
Of course.
I took my clothes off.
I didn't even have to take my own socks off.
She went - OK, all right, all right.
- This is horrible.
Let's get down to business.
You've tackled the Top Gear track before - in the famous KIA Cee'd, right? - Yes, I have.
You were quick, real quick.
Like the fifth fastest, right? Yeah, yeah.
The most important thing is I beat Tom Cruise, because I Not that I've become utterly insufferable since that day, but I mention that, I would say, at least once a day.
He was in Days Of Thunder, and my wife It's got to the point now where - since the last time I was on the show - we're literally sat there, if there's a new advert for a Tom Cruise film comes on It will go, "Tom Cruise" I'll go, and she'll go, "I know.
" I will sometimes say to complete strangers, "I beat Tom Cruise.
" Yes, well, yes, you did.
You certainly did.
A lot of people beat Tom Cruise.
All right, but now we've got the more challenging GT86.
That's a proper sports car.
How did it go there? How did your training with Chris go? It was You know what? It was incredible.
It was such good fun.
It was great fun.
But that old car was just, "Come on.
" This thing, it's got, like It moves around and it's quite Yeah.
Yeah, great.
Chris, what do you think? What he said.
It was interesting.
The training was interesting.
But I saw a kernel of talent in there.
Let's see what happened.
All right, let's take a look.
Before we start, all I'm going to say, these are the best conditions we've had all series.
Are we driving or going for a picnic? Well, we will find out.
Let's go.
Come on.
Just remember that the slow-speed corners give you a better chance to make time up.
Braking hard.
Brake hard.
Second gear, please.
Second gear.
We're going round to the right.
You've got fourth, you've got forth.
There's the white lines.
That way, then.
Round to the left.
Second gear, please.
Second gear.
Round to the right, round to the right.
Round to the right.
Second gear.
You're in fourth again.
Oh, cock.
It's in there somewhere.
It's in there.
- Third? - Third, over to left, over to the left.
- Don't worry, don't panic.
- I'm not panicking.
A bit of third gear, a bit of third gear, please.
This could be interesting.
Brake, brake, brake.
Brake that hard? Or not quite as hard.
CHRIS LAUGHS - Just thrown a load of fuel there, hasn't it? - That's fine.
When you're strapped into a metal box, it's nice to smell fuel just all around you.
It's fine.
It's all part of the thrill.
Give it some gas.
Over the line.
We didn't die.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE There was a moment there We spin and we were going backwards for quite a long time.
It was brilliant! This is the thing, it's not like a motorbike where if you come off a motorbike you really hurt yourself, whereas this, you know, it's just a smell of petrol and another man's poo.
OK, time to talk about Cuba.
When you hear that name, you know what springs to mind - all those incredible old American cars.
The ones that have kept going since Castro and communism took over back in the '50s.
But over the past few years, Cuba has been opening up to the West.
That means the days of those iconic cars could be numbered.
So, with a budget of £5,000 each, Chris and I bought a couple of old sports cars, that we thought would impress the locals, and headed out to hunt down the Cuban classics.
Our landing spot in the world's most westerly communist state was the Bay Of Pigs .
site of an American-backed invasion defeated by Fidel Castro's regime in 1961.
Since then, Cuba has shut its doors to the West.
A generation of '50s American cars left stranded inside.
The fight to maintain them has gone on ever since.
Those still running survive thanks to the resourceful mechanical spirit of this unique nation.
That's what we had come for, but what had we brought with us? I'm not going to lie, I am so chuffed at what I've got here.
Right, let's see what you brought, then.
Come on.
Look at this.
'Now, surely, in a nation with a passion for old American cars' Prepare to be amazed.
there is only one sensible choice.
' THEME FROM THE GODFATHER - Oh, that's Italian.
- Yes! I present to you the Maserati Biturbo or as they insist you call it, the BIH-turbo.
Amazing, eh? Yes.
It's amazing.
It's amazing that you managed to drive it out of the container without it breaking down.
Oh, good, the old "Maseratis aren't reliable" gag.
Look, let me explain this to you.
This car is just plain fantastic.
First of all, it's a Maserati.
It has a 2.
6 litre, twin-turbo V6, styling, a manual gearbox, and and, in this country, Maseratis are racing royalty.
Racing royalty? I'll explain that later on.
What have you chosen? Watch and learn.
How to outdo your Maserati in one fell swoop.
'Like I said' - ENGINE TURNS OVER - Oh, yeah.
ROCK MUSIC - Huh? - Ah-hah.
What you are looking at is a Chevy Camaro, the quintessential American muscle car.
- Start up front.
Under the bonnet, a five-litre American V8.
- Yes.
- 170 horsepower.
- Sorry, stop there.
Repeat that.
But the thing is, 170's still How do you try and get so little power from such a big engine? Well, they're concentrating on torque more than anything else, all right? So it's all about the grunt.
But that's not the only thing.
- Yes.
- Check this out.
Round the back.
Come on.
Watch this.
You don't slam the Camaro's boot.
You place it gently down.
Soft close.
Straight out of a Mercedes S-Class.
So the best thing about your muscle car is the soft-close boot? Well, it's ONE of the things about my muscle car.
I think we should go.
Come on.
If, admittedly, quite cool.
Let's roll.
Excited to see what the locals would make of our choices, we decided to pick our way north-west, towards the capital city, Havana.
And, as our Cuban adventure got under way, we got better acquainted with our cars.
This is meant to be the less sophisticated car of the two, and yet everything works.
My electric windows work, my cruise control works Well, nearly everything.
My knob has come off.
I won't tell Chris about that.
The Camaro is a kind of car that speaks to you on a base level.
It's all about that growl, it sounds good, it feels powerful.
It makes me feel cool.
That's what muscle cars are all about.
That's what Cuba's all about.
It feels special to me.
Maybe it's just because it's got a Maserati badge, but the dogleg gearbox feels great.
Really positive.
The engine has that suggestive V6 note, which is so much more sophisticated than Rory's loud, brash American car.
We're going to go on well, me and the Maserati.
Because, despite Rory's scepticism, this was the perfect car to win over the locals.
You see, Cuba once had its own Grand Prix.
The first was staged in 1957 and won by none other than Juan Manuel Fangio in a Maserati.
A year later, the five-time Formula 1 World Champion returned to compete again, but he never made the race.
NEWSREEL: Miguel Fangio was kidnapped by Cuban rebels in a daring move to discredit the regime.
Yep, kidnapped.
In 1960, the last Grand Prix ever to be staged in Cuba was won by Stirling Moss ina Maserati.
So two thirds of all Grand Prix on this fair island were won by Maserati.
Isn't that amazing? That is very cool.
That kind of makes sense.
It's a classy move.
I'll give you that.
'Soon we came across a town called Coliseo.
' Look at the architecture.
This is incredible.
It's like being stuck in a time warp.
'And with our first Cubans to impress 'Rory wasted no time.
' ENGINE REVS Chris, I am speaking to the people of Cuba in a language they understand - V8 pipes.
- CAR REVS REPEATEDLY - That means "Hello.
" - CAR REVS REPEATEDLY - That means "How are you?" CAR REVS REPEATEDLY And that means, "Don't bother looking at the Maserati behind me.
" I'm just going to hang back a little bit, because it really is quite cringeworthy.
'Annoyingly, though, 'the people of Coliseo appeared to have forgotten 'their racing heritage.
' Quick question - is anyone gathered around your car having a look? ENGINE REVS It doesn't seem quite as popular as yours.
Bask in the glory of the V-ocho.
THEY EXCLAIM 'Although clearly misled by Reid, 'the locals were definitely car lovers.
'They told us of a secretive drag race taking place that afternoon 'in a town further north called Varadero.
'So, with our adventure starting to gather momentum, 'we got back on the road.
' There's a bloke here who can't stop his horse.
Have you spotted him? He has no control over that animal at all.
He's just gone left.
No, it's gone left with him on it.
'Yes, with every mile we drove deeper 'into the Cuban time capsule.
' We're starting to see some proper old American cars now.
This is more like it.
'And it wasn't just the number of old cars, 'it was the lack of almost any new ones at all.
' In the last few years, Cubans have been able to buy new cars.
As ever with Cuba, it's not as straightforward as that.
The average national wage here is about 20 a month, but they are colossally expensive because of import duties and other stuff.
So, for example, Peugeot 508 - in the UK, 20 grand-ish.
Get your head round that.
'Which probably explained why the roads were lined 'with people needing a ride.
' You know the rules about hitchhiking here, mate.
If you are in a state-owned car, you have to pick them up.
I reckon we should join in with the local culture, pick ourselves up some hitchhikers.
Why would we want to do that? Because it's all about community spirit here.
People rely on each other to get things done.
I don't share my car with anyone.
When I go on holiday, everyone else goes in another car.
I go on my own.
'But since we weren't on holiday' Right, follow me.
Here we go.
Living the Cuban dream.
Just two of you, yeah? Thank you, thank you.
I thought we had two.
One, two All of you? THEY EXCLAIM Reid, what on earth have you done here? How many have you got? I've got four in the back, one in the front.
- MAN SPEAKS SPANISH - How far? How far? The reason why we are here with the Maserati, I need to teach you about this OVERLAPPING SPANISH CONVERSATIONS OK, more Cuban people that won't listen to me.
'Still, could have been worse.
' No, no, no, no! HE SCREAMS - HE LAUGHS - No, no, no, no! No, no, dude, dude, dude, please, please.
He's got a chicken! SCREECHING AND RUMBLING You are a complete fool, aren't you? HE SCREAMS - Loco! Loco! - HE SCREAMS 'A long time and not very far later' - OK, this is the end.
- Yes, thank you.
It's been a pleasure.
HE SCREAMS I think Whoa No, no, no, no.
I'm done.
Out of the car.
I'm out.
I am out.
Chris, this was a bad idea.
Rory Yes.
If you have any other bright ideas for cultural exploration, keep them to yourself, all right? Yes.
'Back on the road, before long, we reached Varadero.
'And arriving at the drag race' Oh, yes.
Look at this.
This is the place.
it didn't disappoint.
' 'Motor racing has been illegal in Cuba since 1962, 'but with officials starting to turn a blind eye, 'in the last few years, 'gatherings like these have slowly begun to surface.
' 'And now we'd found one, we had to see what they were running.
' - Look at this.
- Is that a Chevy? Wow.
Look at that.
That is class.
- Hello.
- Hello! 5.
7 litre.
Did you do all of this work yourself? - Yes, yes, yes.
- How long did it take you to create this? - Ten years.
- Ten years? - Yes.
- How much power? - 400.
- 400? - 400 horsepower.
- That is just beautiful, Rory.
'And the more cars we looked at' Look at that.
the weirder and more wonderful they became.
' What on earth did this used to be? Are those teeth? Buick 53.
'68 Camaro.
Ah, OK.
They sort of re-engineer them, don't they? What's over here? This is Mecca, as far as I'm concerned.
Cuba is giving up the goods.
'Yes, here in Varadero we had found some real motoring spirit.
'And, in his excitement, Rory decided to compete with it.
' Er, 0-60 in 9 seconds.
This should go well.
Come off it! He cheated! Man, that thing is quick.
I am getting nowhere near this guy.
Oh, man.
I don't like losing, but I'll lose to that.
What a machine! Did not stand a chance.
- Rory.
- Yes.
- Let's discuss some of the basic skills of drag racing.
- When the man says go, what do you do? - Well, he picked the start.
He left about half a second before me.
He left when the guy said, "G" That's what you're supposed to do in drag racing.
You go on the "G" of "Go"! That was ridiculous.
'After Rory's shambolic effort, 'the stage was set for my thoroughbred to make its mark.
' Yes, it was time for a little reminder of what the Maserati name really means.
LAUGHTER ENGINES ROAR Hey, come on! Look at it go.
That is hopeless.
Aw It looked like you got destroyed, to me.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It was a beating but it wasn't a drubbing, was it? - How many car lengths? - Six.
You got killed, mate.
You got killed.
OK, Cuba's racers had turned out to be a little quicker than expected, but there was still one victory worth fighting for.
ENGINES ROAR Terrible launch! Terrible launch! Come on.
- Yeah, look at this! - CHRIS LAUGHS Where's he gone? Where's he gone? Ah! Harris is gone.
Bye-bye, Rory Reid.
Oh, no! Damn you! That was a really ungracious way to win, wasn't it? Oh, he's going to be unbearable! - Here we go.
- Now - Here we go.
- Now, what exactly happened there, Rory? - Well, you won the race.
- OK.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
But, look, I'm not here to compete.
I'm here to have a good time, meet some people, you know, and win some friends with my V8 engine note, drive with my top down and have a laugh.
Who are you and what have you done with the Rory Reid that I know, - that is super-competitive and wants to win? - Calm down, Chris.
So, do you see this as a moral victory? Well, I actually do, but I also see you as a sore winner.
- I've never seen that before.
- I like that phrase.
I'll take that - a sore winner.
You guys got destroyed.
Yeah, but at least I beat Rory.
Yeah, look, at least the Cubans liked my car.
Yeah, at least I didn't get mauled by a cock.
All right, OK, guys, guys Guys, come on, now.
We're all friends.
You both made bad choices, OK? We'll get back to the rest of that story a little later on, but, right now, it is Dream Garage time.
OK, £350,000 you have to spend, and you want something that's just awesome, right? What do you get? Rory? Is this the bit where we name a car and then you show us a combine harvester or a massive blender for cows or something? LAUGHTER Why can't you just play the game? Can't you just? Come on, £350,000, what do you get? Go.
Come on.
All right, OK, I could go a Rolls-Royce Wraith.
I could go Ferrari 812 Superfast.
Yeah, you could.
Yup, yup.
Chris? Short-wheelbase 1965 Porsche 911.
See? Yeah, yeah.
Both good suggestions.
Both wrong suggestions LAUGHTER .
because, for £350,000, you want one of these.
LAUGHTER That is the Terex Fuchs MHL360.
- Just look at it! - Yeah.
So, so, so So that's a crane.
What? What? No A crane? No.
Oh Ross, will you please enlighten them? Yes, certainly.
It's a material handler.
Thank you.
LAUGHTER That's right - a material handler.
And do you know what it handles? A melon, a shed and a Volvo.
Watch this.
This is the Terex Fuchs MHL360, and it handles stuff really well.
Check this out.
OK, now, to help me with this, I brought my trusty digger-mate Ross Noble.
He's going to help me play material handler bowling.
He's super-confident.
Ross, what did you bring to the table? I brought the Sennebogen, the 830E eco version.
Basically, it can rip out trees without angering protesters.
OK, so the rules are pretty simple.
You've got a pile of scrap.
You've got to pick the stuff up and throw it at the shed.
Three turns each.
- Whoever knocks down the most sheds wins.
- Sweet.
OK, you go first.
I'm ready.
Go for it.
Ah, going for the washing machine.
Here we go! Yeah! I might have overshot a bit.
All right, one down.
My turn.
All right, I've got a bathtub now.
Son of a bitch.
I missed it.
That was not impressive.
OK, your turn.
Ooh, you're going for the jet ski.
Nice one.
Let her rip! - Oh-ho-ho-ho! Beautiful! - Woohoo! Beautiful! What are you, three sheds? Three to nothing.
You're winning.
I've got to make up for it here.
It's looking good.
It's looking good.
Keep it going.
Keep it Go round again.
Go round again.
One more time.
That's it.
Keep going.
Keep going.
You look like you work at the fair.
Whee! Scream if you want to go faster! Go! Yes! Woohoo! Got it! MATT LAUGHS SIREN WAILS Hey, Ross, do you hear that siren? That must mean it's half-time melons.
Let's have some.
It's a very civilised game.
SIREN WAILS OK, I guess that means melon time's over.
Right, are we going for the cars? Definitely.
All right, he's got the scrap Volvo.
Winding it up Here we go.
MACHINE HUMS Oh! Oh, that was a miss.
I'm out of the game.
That's me.
It's all down to you now.
I've got you! Don't make my mistake.
Go high.
Go high.
OK, I need three sheds to win.
MATT CHUCKLES That's got to be it.
You've definitely won.
All right, then, I think I think I'm going to have one more go at the car.
I can't get enough.
You can spin your claw I didn't know you could spin the claw.
Spin it! Got it! Yay! So there you have it - the Terex Fuchs MHL360.
It handles stuff.
It drops stuff.
It crushes stuff really well.
CHEERING - Come on, how fun was that? - Yeah, yeah.
And you You drive a tractor as well, right? Yeah, yeah, I drive a tractor, and whilst I think, you know, you've got a load of digging machinery, I bought a JCB, and that was a joy, the fact that Cos there's not I don't know many other people who are who are quite into, you know, that sort of heavy plant machinery just for fun, but, you know, people do it for a job.
- LAUGHTER I know.
- They do it for a job.
I know, I think we're in the wrong line of work.
Oh, it was great.
But just to Just Do you ever just, erm Do you ever just dig a big hole, just cos you can? Yes! Yes! That's it.
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that the best thing ever? Have you ever gone out and started digging a hole, and it's got, like, too big - Yeah.
- .
and it's got to the point where you're in the hole, and you go, "Oh, no, I should have just" - And you hit water - did you ever do that? - Oh, yeah.
- There you go.
That's - Yeah.
"Did I break something? Ooh, let's fill that back in.
" - Yeah, but it's fun.
- I can't believe it.
Like, this is the only other man who I've ever met who has also built a dirt track and also has the heavy machinery.
- It's like - You make a lovely couple.
- We do.
- This is the first time - We do.
- You know what? Coming on this show feels like being part of a support group.
OK, I think it's time to see how you did on your timed lap.
How did it go out there? It was a lot of fun.
It was a lot of fun, but, all day long, people have just been talking about the Olympians.
You know, Max Whitlock They've been talking about Chris Hoy, just saying, "They're focused.
They're machines.
They just "They're the most focused human beings on the planet.
" Erm I'm not the most focused human being on the planet, so we'll see.
But sometimes loose is fast.
You never know.
- All right, let's take a look.
- Let's have a look.
- Here he goes, then.
- TYRES SCREECH Well, that wasn't the best start.
A bit of a fumble, there.
Nicolas Cage, Gone In 60 Seconds - think about that.
Right, OK.
"OK, let's ride!" Oh, no.
Hands on the wheel.
Hands on the wheel - that's quite important.
So what's it going to be like into this first corner? Braking's pretty good.
And the line's pretty good too.
And you've hung on to third gear and, look, you're using all the circuit, out on to the outside there.
It's impressive.
Braking into Chicago.
What's that? Ooh, and you've hooked second gear, just locked the back up.
Lost a bit of time.
Do it hard, da-ba, da-ba, da-ba! What was that noise that just came out of my face? Now down the right-hand side of the back straight.
What can you carry? Fourth gear, we're going to get a trigger of brake light.
- Yes.
- Oh, madam! I've no idea what you're saying, but the line's good.
The line is good.
Oh, madam! Why do I keep saying, "Oh, madam"? Down to the follow-through.
Oh, a bit mobile at the rear there.
Mobile at the rear and a whoosh.
- Ooh, - BLEEP, - shu-hoo-hoo! That was quite squirrely.
Now this is the trail brake which you didn't get right last time.
That was neat and you've used all the circuit too.
Neat is fast, Ross.
Neat is fast.
Over the line.
I think that looks quick.
Well what do you think? Ahh You feeling confident? I think that it was That car, to be fair, that car really does just go all over the place.
And I think looking at that, the start wasn't particularly good.
It was a bit So, yeah, I'm Yeah, I think if I could beat the Doctor, if I could beat Tennant.
Imagine though, Max If I got faster than Max Whitlock, I mean, he's an Olympian.
That's going to crush his world.
He's going to be sat at home just going, "Him, that shabby Geordie?" OK.
Well you never know.
Erm OK.
Ross Noble, you did it - in one minute - Yes! - .
30 - Yes! - .
seven - Ooh! - Oh! - .
point five.
- Yes, yes! That is a great effort.
You should be happy.
He's an Olympian! Oh, yes! Ladies and gentlemen, Ross Noble.
APPLAUSE - Well done.
- I've crushed an Olympian's dreams! Right.
Right, earlier on, Rory and I were exploring Cuba and its unique motoring culture.
That's right and after our first day on the island, we managed to find some classic cars and some very passionate drag racers who had, let's be honest, destroyed us.
Correct, but we weren't done with Cuba yet.
The next morning we continued our Cuban adventure along the stunning north coast.
It's a new dawn, a new day, my car's running beautifully, I've got the top down, the sun's rising.
Bring it on! Having been thrashed once by our new drag racing friends, we wanted a rematch and had arranged to meet them again that afternoon.
But first we were heading for the capital, the beating heart of Cuba, to see what motoring curiosities the legendary city had to offer.
Oh, yes! This is it.
Havana, baby.
A pretty special looking place, look at it.
It's falling down but magnificent at the same time.
'And the cars 'oh, yeah, they were Cuban.
' Oh, now, this is cool.
Tell me this isn't cool.
'Just like the drag race, 'this was another living museum of not quite right Americana.
' Well, that one's a Ford, that black thing.
This thing next to me is a Chevy, that's a Deluxe something.
The problem is they've all been slightly tweaked, haven't they? So they don't always have the correct headlights and sort of dressings and features.
The only thing you can be certain of is that they're not new.
This green thing to my left.
ON RADIO: 'I'm guessing a 'Pontiac.
' Pontiac? Pontiac? In fact, I think it's an Oldsmobile, I think it's an Oldsmobile.
Ah, he said it is a Pontiac "ocho-ocho".
I don't know, I don't know what that is.
Chris, these guys have just got married.
In years to come, they'll look back and say, "Do you remember we got married "and we saw the worst muscle car ever made?" - Rev, rev, rev! - CAR REVS Yeah! 'Undeterred, though, Rory set about winning over Havana.
'And, not being irritating enough already, 'had decided to start calling his car the 'Maro.
' - CAR REVS - 'Maro! Chevy.
Hola! I've made some friends, Chris.
He just wanted a closer look at the 'Maro! Can you stop calling it the 'Maro? - I'm a tourist attraction.
- That's one word for it.
Honestly, though, Rory could have the limelight because I'd found what I'd really come to Havana for.
This road I'm driving on is the Malecon, and that's special because this is the place where the first two Cuban Grand Prix took place, on this road.
I'm in a Maserati where Maseratis once raced.
This was a rare privilege.
60 years since Fangio won the first Cuban Grand Prix, over 200,000 fans lining the streets, it was a time of danger, of glamour, a national obsession.
Cuba had lost its love of racing but now, through a handful of dedicated racers, it was back.
And as racers, they were very good in a straight line.
'It was time for the rematch.
' The boys are back in town.
'And this time we would be racing on our terms.
' OK, guys.
You absolutely thrashed us in the drag races, you owned us completely.
So we played by your rules and I think it's time that you played by our rules.
We want to introduce - corners.
- Oh, no, no.
Have you ever driven around corners before? No, no, no! - Ah.
- No, no, no.
- Never? 'With the playing field nicely levelled, then, 'I set about preparing the circuit 'while Chris gave the competition a bit of cornering 101.
' The anatomy of the corner.
Entry clip then the exit.
Arghhh! We turn, get on the power.
- Whoa.
- Whoopa! - And then we get the exit.
- OK! So, do you understand corners now? Good? - Bueno? - HE SPEAKS IN SPANISH - That was easy.
- You've passed your test.
Do you know what, mate? This might not be the most hi-tech set-up but, in our own messy little way, we're about to make a bit of history here.
'Yes, with a few scattered tyres making up an oval track, 'complete with chicane, 'we were about to throw the first circuit race in Cuba for 57 years.
'Naturally, qualification for this historic event would be decided 'by the highly technical '.
drawing of straws.
' Four.
LAUGHTER - It's a stitch up, isn't it? - Good luck.
Taking our places on the grid, then, fourth Cuban Grand Prix would be contested over as many laps.
And starting from seventh place, if I was going to prove the Maserati's racing pedigree, I would have to come from the back of the pack.
Dear Lord, that Ford was making some noise then.
He also has a pair of testicles dangling down from the back of his car.
Fangio, Moss, Reid, got quite a nice ring to it.
This is just so cool.
Come on, baby.
I've passed one.
I've passed one.
There's the big Ford, get up the inside of him.
He's quite quick.
Up the inside? Yeah, why not? 'After one lap, Chris had already climbed up to fourth.
'The Maserati was on a mission but I was still ahead in third.
' OK! Two Cubans in front of me.
RORY LAUGHS Stay with them, 'Maro, stay with them.
Stay with them, baby, come on.
Oh, they're quick in a straight line! Oh, my goodness.
'While Rory focused on the cars in front, though' I've got Reid in front of me now.
Oh, Harris is right behind me! Not sure I can do him here.
Oh, Harris is right up my inside! No! Oh, he's got me! There we go, Reid.
Damn you, Harris! My knob's come off! Rory Reid's under pressure.
'Going into the last lap, 'Chris had just the two fastest Cubans in front.
' Right, let's catch the locals.
I've got one.
I've done one, I've done one.
I've done one.
'And there was only one thing he had come for 'to give his Maserati the win.
' Come on! Yeah, Maserati leads again! Nice work, nice! RORY LAUGHS Once again, a Maserati leads in Cuba! Oh, history, it's history.
'A tiny piece of history, perhaps, 'but this small collection of cars on this ragged assembly of corners 'had achieved something not seen for a generation.
' - Well done.
- Well done.
Oh, my God.
Well done, well done.
- Well done, man.
- Fantastic.
Well done, man.
Well done.
'Cuba had raced' Fantastic.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
and we had been there.
'And while it didn't look like much, it felt special.
' APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Yeah! - That was great.
That was great.
- Amazing.
Also, can we please just say a huge thank you to the people of Cuba? - Yep.
- Great sports.
- Mm-hm.
- And good drivers too.
- Yeah.
OK, so, let me get this straight now, you had a race around corners on a course that you designed, against a bunch of locals who've never raced around corners.
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
And they were driving cars from the 1950s and you beat them in your much newer Italian sports car.
- Correct.
- Yeah, and then you celebrated as if you'd just won the Monaco Grand Prix.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
How do you feel about yourself? - Not so great now.
- Yeah.
Do you think you could have at least left the cars there - for the Cubans? - Well - Matt, I wanted to, honestly.
I was trying to tell him, anyway, but it turned out the government would've charged them like 20 grand in import duty and it didn't quite seem the right thing to do, - no matter how great the 'Maro is.
- What? Stop, Rory.
Please stop.
It's not called a 'Maro.
Listen, Matt, you're American, tell him.
Yeah, yeah, he's right, I am American and no one No one calls it a 'Maro, OK? All right, next week's show, I drive an eight-wheeled Russian thing.
I drive the new Porsche Cayman.
And we turn the world's ugliest car into a luxury yacht.
We'll see you then.