Top Gear (2002) s24e07 Episode Script

Series 24, Episode 7

1 Hello! Hello, and welcome to Top Gear.
It's the last episode of the series.
But don't worry, because we are really pushing the boat out for this one.
We made a boat and we pushed it out.
Into the sea.
Really! But that's a little later in the show.
First, a question - £50,000, a two-seat sports car what do you go for? Tell 'em, Chris.
Well, unless you were completely mad, traditionally, you'd always have gone for this the Porsche Cayman, the model sports car.
Pretty much un-improvable.
But now there's a new Cayman, and Porsche says it's even better than before.
Here it is.
It still looks like a Cayman, but one that's been drawn with sharper pencils.
It still has the engine in the middle .
power at the rear and it still costs about £50,000.
It's the same story inside, where, thankfully, Porsche hasn't messed with all the things we liked about the old car.
I've still got three pedals, and this lovely, wiggly, wand-like thing to change gear.
But if you delve deeper you'll find a million teeny-tiny upgrades.
For starters, the Cayman's big brother, the 911 has given up its steering and brakes.
The lower rear suspension arms are from the last generation Cayman GT4.
The anti-roll bars are larger diameter all around.
The front springs are now variable rate.
The rear tyres, well, they are 12mm wider.
Much of which is not interesting.
What is interesting is more horsepower.
The Cayman S now has 345 of them.
This car will do 0-60mph in a sneeze over four seconds.
And it won't stop accelerating until you hit 177mph.
Braking! And that extra horsepower also means something else.
If there was a fault with the old Cayman, it's that it didn't have quite enough power to explore the limits of that lovely, mid-engine chassis.
This new one, however Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes! I could do that all day long.
The trouble is, I'm not enjoying this as much as I should do.
Allow me to explain.
That there is the old Cayman S.
Six cylinder, normally aspirated engine, and it sounds like Well, judge for yourself.
That is engine sound perfection.
If you asked Daft Punk to create intake noise, it'd sound like that.
But for this new Cayman, Porsche ditched the lovely old six-cylinder engine for a new, turbocharged, four-cylinder engine.
And it sounds like .
an old Beetle.
This is a big deal.
Because, I'm sorry, but the way a sports car sounds is a huge part of its personality.
It's the same as humans.
Voices matter.
I mean, take, say, Rod Stewart and put him on mute, and he's just a Scottish bloke with ladies' hair.
And the reason for this vocal transplant? The Cayman needed a smaller turbo engine to pass the latest emissions exams.
Forget sound and soul.
These days, apparently what's important is that this car will officially emit 184g of CO2 per kilometre.
But let me show you how you must drive to achieve those 184 CO2s using this rather elegant piece of equipment behind me and some very clever men over there.
Here we go.
'Right, so, Chris, to get the best mpg, lowest CO2, 'build up the speed gently.
' 'Lovely, lovely and sedate.
' No, no, no.
'Don't overdo it, that's probably a little too fast.
'You can back it off slightly more, I'd say.
' Boring.
Boring, boring.
CO2, boring.
After a few more tedious minutes, I pulled over to find out my exam results.
OK, boss, how was that? That was 184g per kilometre of CO2.
About 35 miles per gallon.
The reality is that, in the real world, if you drive like a normal person with feet, no car comes close to matching its official emissions figures.
And turbo engines are the worst offenders.
In fact, in the hands of any of us lot, I doubt this engine's any more efficient than the one it replaced.
It is a real shame.
The old Cayman wasn't broken, but Porsche has been forced to fix it anyway.
Now we've got this different personality.
And I have to say, I just don't like it as much as it was before.
So the big question now is, if you're after a two-seat sports car for about 50 grand, what's the alternative? The Alpha 4C.
Look at that.
Carbon fibre tub, Italian styling.
Build quality of a Glastonbury tent.
Go away.
Ah, the Jaguar F-Type.
But, of course, you want the supercharged V8 one, and that's 90 grand, so, I'm afraid, disqualified.
The Lotus Exige.
Perfect, should you happen to live at a racing circuit.
Which, of course, you don't.
Ooh, the Audi TT RS.
400 horsepower, five-cylinder turbo-charged engine.
And lashings of understeer.
And that really is your lot.
Which leaves us, well, pretty much back where we started.
If you've got 50 grand to spend on a new sports car, you should buy a new Cayman.
Even a mildly ruined Cayman is still better than the rest.
You might want a pair of these though.
Great, nice job.
Nice job.
OK, so So, they made it more powerful, they made faster, they made it cheaper to tax, all for the same price, and you don't like it because it doesn't sound quite as good as the old car? Do think that maybe, just maybe, you're being slightly oversensitive? - I'm really not.
Sound is so important.
- Mm-hm.
This car, six-cylinder engine, it's just musical, it's the heart of the car.
And the intake noise fantastic.
This new version, turbocharger, no intake noise, four cylinders it sounds parpy.
You don't get a lot of parpy these days.
OK, one more thing.
I noticed in the film that you called this the Porsche Cayman.
But it isn't, is it? This is the Porsche 718 Cayman.
I refuse to acknowledge that badge.
What? You can't refuse to acknowledge it.
It's right there on the back of the car.
And it's pedigree - the 718 was a Porsche racer from the '50s, right? This is Porsche exploiting its wonderful motorsport history for the sake of a badge on a modern car.
It's terrible! Are you done? - No, we can - Can you try to be done? - Look - Let's pretend you're done.
It's time to find out how quick the new 718 goes around our test track.
And you know what that means.
It's time for The Stig.
Off the line.
Looks like a Porsche, sounds like a, well, it sounds like a Subaru, doesn't it? Down there to the first corner.
Let's have a look at this, cos the chassis is great, the Cayman's so well-balanced.
He carries great speed in, very little understeer, using all the track as usual.
And the braking stability into Chicago, just fantastic.
And he'll hold a tight line, will he? He let it run out a bit, but again you can tell he's got power to play with.
345 horsepower.
The amazing thing is, it's a smaller-capacity engine - the turbocharger has 37 foot-pounds of torque more than the old Cayman.
So it's now a monster.
Braking well again.
Doesn't it look stable? It's flat, crisp.
A tight line.
Let it run out now.
Look at that - just controlled, relaxed.
Heading now down towards the follow-through.
It's really fast.
Again, competent.
And doesn't it sound absolutely terrible? Can you hear it? Braking into second to last.
Now, heading - ooh, using all the track there, aggressive - over Gambon, and a very impressive, terrible-sounding lap.
And the Porsche 718 Cayman S went around in 1:21.
That is seriously respectable.
That's the exact same time as the Jaguar V8 F-Type.
And the Jaguar V8 F-Type costs nearly twice as much.
- Yeah, and it sounds twice as good too - Look, you're done.
Rory! I'm just going to say it you know what other sports car you can have for £50,000? Ford Mustang, the one with the V8.
- Can't argue with the way that sounds.
- No, you can't, no.
All right, now it's time to welcome this week's guest.
He's got a lot of platinum discs, he's got a lot of cars and he's got a lot ofhats.
Please welcome Jay Kay.
I'm so pleased! Thank you.
All right, awesome.
So what did you drive down in today? I flew in, actually.
I flew in.
I avoided the traffic, so I flew in a R66.
- Helicopter? - Yep.
Get over the M25, easy.
20 minutes.
Job done.
You're like a rock star.
I love it! That's what they say.
- How many cars in your collection nowadays? - Erm, well, I'm sort of trying to slim it down.
I mean, it's too many, really.
But it's over 50.
But the amazing thing is, people know that Jay's got some top-end stuff.
Enzo and other stuff.
But what I love is that you have the same affliction as me.
You can't help but love German tat.
Yeah, there's just some old M3s, E30s.
There's an old Rover P6.
Wahey! It's got I heard a wahey there.
Look at that.
See, Rover P6, 13,000 miles.
I just love old things that, you know, when you were a kid, you used to see on the road, you know How can you go wrong? - We know you love your exotic, Italian stuff.
- Yeah.
You're a fan of those.
And your current car that you drive the most is Italian.
But it's not exactly exotic, is it? Yeah, I have a Fiat Doblo as well.
- A Doblo.
- Yeah.
- We've got a picture of it.
That is it.
That's my Doblo.
Just a quick question, you could have bought a Bentley Bentayga, - a Range Rover - Well - .
and you've gone for a Doblo.
You wouldn't catch me dead in a Bentley Bentayga.
Yeah, but the Doblo is reliable, it always starts.
It's light clutch, light gearbox.
It's light steering, you can get stuff in it.
You can get wood in it, you can get the dog in it.
It's great and it works.
And you know what the funny thing is? You go to Italy and you go up the mountains in Italy, you know, up the northern mountains, you'll still see Panda 4x4s.
I could never work out what was the point of a Panda 4x4, and then you suddenly realise, you're up there in the winter, and that is the only thing that will go up those Alpine passes.
- True, true.
- With goats in the back, you know? I want to veer off of cars for just a second.
- Because you have a new album out, Automaton.
- Yeah.
- How it's it doing? - Well, I hear, down the grapevine, that it's at number one worldwide, actually.
Aha, that's what I hear! Which isn't bad for an old mucker like me, you know? Now, normally we wouldn't play a music video, but we wanted everyone to see the new single, Cloud 9.
Let's take a look.
# Only a fool could walk away from me this time # I look up to heaven and the starry sea is mine # Only a fool could walk away from me this time Right, right, right - wait there.
Oh, dear.
There is a template here, isn't there? There's a template for the Jamiroquai video People of my generation.
So, basically, there's two, at least two, super-sexy cars.
There's an attractive lady and then there's bit of jigging goes on.
Is that? Yeah, I tell you what, because we thought about this, and we thought, you know, everybody said, "Oh, cars, video" I mean, and then we thought, well, Cosmic Girl was 1997, so it's 20 years ago, you know? But it was quite nice, because we went back to Cabo de Gata, where we'd filmed the original.
So that was the kind of thing.
So people who'd seen the first one, to go back there You talked about Cosmic Girl, and that was a benchmark video, I think, for a generation.
Because it showed super-sexy cars, dynamic driving Look at this.
There is a story behind that.
It wasn't quite as straightforward No, it wasn't.
They made three of those special edition 30th-anniversary Diablos.
And one was a Jota, so it was a 600-brake car that was not really road legal, so there were only two.
So I had mine in storage, and the guy went to stick it on the car transporter.
And then I got word that he'd just totalled this car.
There it is.
And we kind of had to have a purple one, because it was the purple, - the cosmic, you know, it's just one of those things.
- Sure, yeah.
So we got the other one.
And I said, "Look, wait till I get there, I'm flying in, "just nobody drive it till I get there, please? "We can't afford to smash it.
" So I came off the plane, and everybody looked really downtrodden, was looking at the floor And I went, "Why are you looking so sad?" And they said, "Unfortunately, "one of the precision drivers has knocked the camera off the cliff "and taken out the front windscreen.
So there's no windscreen.
"Lamborghini can't send one for another day or so.
" So, for most of the video, it had to be done with no windscreen.
So that's why you see me squinting.
And actually trying to sing the song as well while driving the mountain road.
- We've got a clip now of Cosmic Girl.
Bring back some memories.
- Yeah.
So now I understand why your hair is flopping about! You've quite clearly got no windscreen! Yep, there is no windscreen there.
I loved that car as well.
I really loved that car.
It was a real meaty, you know, proper, old Lamborghini.
They're quite different to what they are now.
Now that Audi have taken them over, it's a different ballgame.
That was quite a handful, but it made a great noise.
That's why we stuck it on the front of Travelling Without Moving.
- OK, let's get down to business.
- Yeah.
Now, you're a veteran down here.
You've been around I've been coming down here since William Woollard was running it.
You've been around in the Liana, you've been around in the Lacetti That was a beautiful car, the Liana.
You were fastest in the Lacetti, I think, right? Yeah, that's right, yeah.
OK, so now you're going to go around in the GT86.
How'd the training go with Chris? Yeah, I mean, you know, Chris's masterclass So, it was The car's obviously a lot better than before.
It pleases me to actually come on with something that's at least two litre, that you can get something out of.
And quite a nippy little thing, you know.
- All right, let's take a look.
- Yeah, OK.
- Jay? - Yes.
- Last show of the series.
- Got it.
- You've got form here.
Yes, I have got form.
We've got a target.
Sir Chris Hoy, 1:35.
- Sir Chris Hoy.
Pedal to the metal.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Are we ready? - Yeah.
I like it, I like it.
Power now, power, power, power.
Good work - we're not that far off Mr Hoy at the moment now.
Sorry, Sir Hoy.
Sir Chris! Right, third gear.
Come on, I need you to push a bit harder, Jay, we're bit behind Chris here.
Okey dokey, pushing hard, darling, pushing hard.
Push it hard.
Third gear.
Oh-ho-ho! Right on the edge.
Fourth gear.
I'm not going to look at this bit, because you're going so quick through here it scares me.
- BLEEP - hell, Jay! From the 100, brake and turn.
- Brake, turn, now.
- Turn, turn.
Oh, we could be off here, we could be off here.
And back on! Oh, nearly back on.
I nearly got it back on.
Nice day for it.
Hey-hey! Whoo! Nice, nice.
- Nice one, nice one.
- I mean, I wasn't trying.
I wasn't trying.
Definitely, definitely.
We thought we'd actually come out the right way, just carry on.
Nothing happened, you didn't see that.
A definite change of underwear, definitely.
- Around once, around twice - Yeah, lovely, yeah.
What do you think, Chris? Do you think he's got a shot at the title? Yeah, committed.
You only have offs like that if you're really, really trying round here.
People don't know how unforgiving the circuit is.
If you get it half a foot wrong there, you're straight off.
So he's going to be quick.
- We'll see how you did just a little bit later in the show.
- OK, cool.
Right now, I want to talk about 4x4s.
See, if you want an upmarket, family SUV, right now, you've got a lot of options.
You could have a Range Rover, you could have an Audi Q7, you could have a Merc GLS.
But they're all somainstream.
Thankfully, there is another option, and it comesfrom Russia.
This is the Avtoros Shaman, and it is big.
Really big.
Straight away, you can see it has eight wheels, which is the same as two Range Rovers.
But it costs £88,000, about the same as just one Range Rover.
So, on a pound-per-axle basis, the Shaman is a steal.
And back here, you get seating for everyone you've ever met.
And there's an escape hatch, in case of an emergency.
Like if Uncle Phil had the egg salad for lunch.
Oh! And there's a central driving position.
Just like the McLaren F1.
And the similarities to the F1 don't end there.
Like the F1, the Shaman also has a erm steering wheel! OK.
Here we go.
Now, like all the best modern SUVs, the Shaman is right at home in the centre of town.
Whether it's the school run or popping out for groceries or nipping to the pub for a quick game of darts, the Shaman will do it all.
Oh boy, this is tight.
But like all the best modern SUVs it's even better suited to the open road.
OK, it's not exactly supersonic.
The Shaman will do 0-60 in .
With its sensible three-litre diesel, it has a whopping top speed of 44mph.
And that's a good thing.
It encourages you to relax.
To watch the world go by.
And it's just as sensible on the inside.
You've got a sat nav from the '90s.
Some temperature controls from the '80s.
You've got a speedometer and a rev counter which are basically irrelevant.
And that's pretty much it.
Elegant simplicity.
Oh, what's that guy doing? That doesn't look good.
Oh, looks like you're in a jam.
Should be able to get you out of there.
Let me pull up a little.
He smells like whisky.
OK, not what I had in mind, but let's talk towing.
Now, according to the Caravan Club, the choice SUV is the BMW X5.
But that only pulls 3.
5 tonnes.
The Shaman will tow 12.
So if you've got a local moon that's out of alignment, the Shaman will set it straight.
Sweet! Thank you! Right, back to business.
Next up, fuel economy.
I know what you're thinking - that thing looks thirsty.
Well, it is.
It gets about 11 miles to the gallon.
And it makes you wonder, am I going to have to refuel it every single day? Well, no, you're not, because the Shaman holds 260 litres of diesel.
It's a supertanker.
So realistically, you're only going to have to refuel it about every other day.
Oh, wait - is that a flare? Anyone else around to help them? Just me then, huh? Ah, OK.
Right, well, this is a waste of time.
Modern SUV drivers don't even go off-road.
But since I'm apparently the only one who can help, we might as well cover all-terrain ability.
Ground clearance, half a metre.
Half a metre! And these giant tyres may look destructive, but their huge surface area means they tread lightly over the terrain.
Snowshoes, not stilettos.
And if you factor in its eight-wheel drive with independent steering, you can approach any off-road excursion with confidence.
I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when they see this thing coming.
You're, erm You're naked.
We're naked ramblers.
We're lost! - Well, do you need a ride? - Oh, yes.
OK, come on.
Let's Let's go.
Up you go.
All OK.
All righty.
That's a lot for the eyes.
Sure hope we don't crash.
This would be a tricky one to explain.
No need for hugs or anything.
We're OK.
Well, there's an image that'll be stuck in my mind forever.
OK, where were we? Ah, yes, let's talk refinement.
Some might complain that, on the move, the Shaman isn't the quietest of SUVs on the market.
When you're up and running there is some engine noise and some road noise.
But that's a good thing.
Because, too often, the driving experience is interrupted by Whoa, whoa, whoa! Looks like Lassie.
Seriously? Lassie now? What's wrong? What's wrong? What, little Timmy's stuck down a well? Again? OK.
All right, show me the way, I'll follow you.
OK, so, apparently, owning a Shaman does come with a few unwanted responsibilities.
Where the hell is this dog taking me? And what kind of shampoo does she use? She's so shiny.
Good girl, good girl.
OK, we're going to get you outta here.
Put that rope around you.
No, not around your neck, no.
Yeah, around your waist, good.
This winch is capable of lifting 5.
6 metric tonnes.
That's the equivalent of about 200 little Timmys.
Kids today.
Doesn't he have an iPad? Whoa, whoa! Lassie, language! We're all tired.
All in all, though, having to take on the odd rescue mission is a small price to pay for a car that is just so rewarding.
It's an SUV for the driver who cares about driving.
The noise, the lack of unnecessary technology.
It all connects you with what's really important.
The mechanical experience.
Really, I'm struggling to see a downside to this magnificent machine.
So there you have it - Russia's answer to the modern SUV.
And, honestly, I would definitely recommend it.
Sure, a Mercedes GLS is a little quicker, and an Audi Q7 is slightly more refined, but the Shaman is practical, it's spacious and Oh, did I not mention? It swims.
With all this saving people, maybe I could join the Avengers.
I could be The Shamanator.
Yeah, I like it.
Be there in a couple minutes.
Maybe 15.
Maybe 20.
Now you're talking! This thing's massive! This This is my kind of family SUV.
Why would you want a Range Rover when you could have one of these? I'm telling you, I can see literally no downsides to this car.
Also, 88 grand.
I mean, that is a lot of wheels for the money.
Yeah, and way cheaper than a helicopter.
I'm sorry, what, a helicopter? Yeah, that's how the Shaman is marketed - as a helicopter alternative.
Think about it, OK? If you needed to get somewhere in the middle of nowhere, hundreds of miles from the nearest road - deepest, darkest Russia - it's basically this or a helicopter.
You know how many naked ramblers you can fit in a helicopter? - No.
- Yeah, neither do I.
And I do not want to find out.
Imagine the turbulence and the downdraught.
All that naked skin flopping around.
I don't No, no.
Chris! So what do you think? Trade in the helicopter, get one of those? I doubt it.
I could do without the naked people in there.
You know, it's funny, because the best Russian vehicle is the really old Kamaz with the really thin wheels? Almost looks like a loaf of bread? And everyone in Russia uses those.
They go anywhere.
And then they use the old eight-wheelers as well.
Eight-wheel steering things.
- It was fun to drive.
- Yeah, yeah.
OK, I'd like to show you a new family car from America.
OK? It's made by Dodge and it's called the Demon.
Let's take a look.
Look at that, that's a nice-looking car, right? Four seats, nice big trunk, or boot.
Would you like to know how fast that car goes from 0-60mph? You tell me, Matt.
3 seconds.
That is the fastest-accelerating car ever made.
Faster than a 918 Spyder, faster than a LaFerrari Faster thaneverything.
Until it gets to the first corner! Exactly.
OK, look, here's another picture.
That is an official Dodge photograph.
"I'm having trouble laying my power down.
" - Yeah, that is how you sell a car.
Huh? - Look at that! OK, how much power does that thing have? OK, you're going to love this - it has 840 horsepower.
- That's ridiculous.
And that's a tuner car, surely? - No, no.
No, no, no.
In America, you can go into your local Dodge dealer and buy one of those bad boys.
And you know the best part about the whole thing? If you put your foot all the way down and really stand on it, the front wheels will come off the ground.
- The car does wheelies.
- It's a funny car! How cool is that? Yeah, no, take a look.
We have a clip.
'You don't want the truth.
'You can't handle the truth!' Come on! That's nuts! - Huh? - See the way the sidewall just creased on the tyre? That's unbelievable.
OK, so just to recap, you've got McLaren pushing the boundaries of technology, using carbon fibre, aerodynamics - new language.
And you've got Dodge saying, screw that, screw technology, we're just going to insert a big V8 engine and make it as sophisticated as an anvil.
That's right.
What's your point? It's absolutely brilliant.
All of it's brilliant! I love it.
I know.
We are totally driving that next series.
OK, now, the Formula 1 season is back under way.
But for the first time in over 30 years, F1 doesn't have a certain man running it - Bernie Ecclestone.
See, at the start of this year, a company called Liberty Media took control of Formula 1.
Since then, Bernie has stayed very quiet about the whole affair and the honorary title Liberty gave him.
But a couple of weeks ago, Bernie got in touch, asking if we'd like to have a little chat.
And you don't say no to Bernie, so we didn't.
And he also said that he'd only talk to one guy - Eddie Jordan.
You all right, Bernie? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Let's have fun, man.
Now, Liberty.
They've given you this great title, I'm kind of confused - what does that title mean? Is it a gagging order? I don't know, really.
It's a little bit like giving a hitman a gun and no bullets.
That's not very clever.
Oh, but I've got enough money to buy the bullets.
Bernie, they said, or you said about them, that they should have killed you, not wound you.
What did you mean by that? No, I didn't actually say me at all.
- That isn't what I said.
- OK, well, tell us what you said, then.
I said the trouble with all sort of animals, if you want to kill them, you have to kill them, don't wound them.
Ah, but it's the same meaning, isn't it, Bernie? You were giving a little message to them.
- It depends how people - Be careful.
- .
want to take meanings, doesn't it? - OK.
Formula 1 is in good hands, Bernie? Now? I hope so.
Can it improve without you? I'm sure it will.
The problem over the last two or three years has simply been no competition.
And now it looks like we've got some.
Ferrari, can they win the championship this year? Honestly, I shouldn't say this, but I hope they do.
But I don't think they will.
It's good for business? If we lost Ferrari, over the years, we'd had have been in trouble.
Formula 1 is Ferrari and Ferrari is Formula 1.
For many years, I've been intrigued about the way you were able to bring the championship right to the last race.
I mean, you're fixing that, aren't you? Not at all.
The teams may have, but I don't.
Maybe the teams get together and decide to split the money secretly or something to make sure this happens, I don't know.
You are joking, we know that.
But it is remarkable, isn't it? I'm just lucky.
Where would you see the possible improvements? Well, I think we ought to get rid of a lot of the silly regulations that restrict so many things for the drivers and the people building cars.
It's become an engineers' championship, not a drivers' championship.
It's the drivers that should be driving the cars.
They are the ones that should win the races and get all the credit for doing what they've done.
Who was the best one, in your view? Best driver Nobody ever agrees with me.
I think it was Alain Prost.
Because he always had competition in the team, he lost two World Championships by a small margin, through bad luck on his part.
So, he should be credited as being the best.
I want to talk about your cars.
I've got to ask you, you don't suppose that you might have the getaway car from the Great Train Robbery there, by any chance? No, I wish I could find it.
I don't know which one I used at the time.
Ah, OK! Bernie, because, you know, we laugh and joke about it, but there are still a body of people who associate you with - the Great Train Robbery.
Why do you think that is? - No idea, no idea.
Wasn't enough money on that train, actually.
Bernie, before we wrap up, I've just got a couple of little names that I'd perhaps like maybe for you to tell us, in your own words, what they mean.
Trying hard.
Trying hard.
Max Verstappen.
He's really, really super.
He's going to be a world champion, for sure.
Finally, Bernie - Lewis Hamilton.
Best thing that happened for Formula One for a long, long time.
Good ambassador.
Super Certainly the best driver of this - You know, the last ten years.
- Of his era.
Bernie Ecclestone.
Nobody's heard from Eddie since that interview Where is he? Don't mess with Bernie! OK.
The time has come.
The time has come, as it always does.
- The time has come to see your lap.
How do you think you did? - Um Well, you know, you can never tell, can you? I mean, um I hate this bit! I got up this morning thinking, "Why do I put myself through it?" You know he takes it seriously, though.
Look at his shoes - racing driver's shoes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- It matters.
- Put him out of his misery, Matt.
- All right, let's take a look, come on.
- OK.
Thank you.
Off the line, that's a good, clean start.
Come on, then, young lady - the Toyota GT86, from the Land of the Rising Sun! OK, the line was good coming into first A little bit wide there.
And you turned a bit wide, but you were on the power early.
And using all the circuit.
That's good, that's really good there.
Feels a bit smoother to me.
Good, and you've stopped the car.
Some people barrel in there too fast.
I reckon your speed was right.
Line good coming out.
Don't miss the gear! You didn't miss the gear, you see? You blithering idiot! OK, down the back straight.
Ah, now, you're a bit wide there.
A little bit wide.
Get it in.
GET IT IN! And you're self-flagellating, which is a good sign.
- Using all the circuit there.
- Come on! I've never looked too good in a helmet, have I, really? No guts, no glory! It feels like the one.
It feels like the one.
This is aggressive.
This is aggressive! The trial brake was good.
That was your new line through there.
And you failed to do a 720 there, which is good.
And now, over the line OK, right.
Well done.
All right.
Come on, what do you think? You feeling confident? Oh, I don't know.
I don't know! You know, um, it's, um, it's tricky.
You know, it's a tricky little That Hammerhead is tricky.
You just feel where you're losing bits and bobs and feel where you're losing time, and there's a lot of different lines to take, so, um, who knows? But just Just get on with it! Now, we know We know you now.
You're fairly competitive.
We know you're not looking down in this section here.
You're looking up there, with the Hoy and the Noble and the Whitlock.
- Right? - Yeah, I kind of am up there, yeah.
I'm looking up there, yeah.
That's where you want to be.
Jay Kay You did it This is my favourite part.
I love it! Oh, yeah, milk it! Milk it, milk it! You did it in one minute - .
30 - Yes? 6 .
point 1.
Seven tenths off a bloke who's done Le Mans! - Happy? - Yeah, yeah, good.
- Come on, come on! - Second fastest.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jay Kay! Now, I want to talk about the ugliest car ever made, because there is one that stands head and hideous shoulders - above all others.
Feast your eyes on this.
- This is the SsangYong Rodius, - and it is truly revolting! - Yeah, but, here's the thing.
Sure, the Rodius might be horrible to look at, but it has a beautiful secret.
And to reveal that secret, Rory took me and this Korean masterpiece on a little road trip to Southampton.
Well, I've got to say, I'm impressed.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
It's as gross on the inside as it is on the outside.
This thing is disgusting! - Better be good, whatever we're doing in Southampton.
- Just you wait.
'Well, at least I didn't have to wait long.
' Pull in here.
It's a boat yard, Rory.
Why are we going to a boat yard? Are we going to drive into the ocean? That's a good call.
OK, this is perfect.
'In fact' Come here.
Rory had something else in mind.
' Look, here's what you need to know about the Rodius, OK? - It was designed by a guy called Ken Greenley - Who was blind? Who was head of vehicle design at London's Royal College of Arts, and he knew what he was talking about.
And the Rodius was inspired by the design of luxury yachts.
No, it wasn't! Come here, check this out, look.
How about now? No, I don't see it.
Dude, look.
Look at the lines, OK, look at the S-shape, the way it flows.
That's nautical.
The Rodius might be a hideous car, but it was never supposed to be a car, it was supposed to be a yacht.
We are going to turn the SsangYong into a yacht.
Hey, does this mean we get to cut it up? - Yeah.
- Excellent, I am in! We're going to do this for Ken Greenley.
Who? - The blind guy.
- Yeah.
Yeah Psshww! 'To see if Rory's idea would float, 'we enlisted the help of one of Southampton's leading boatbuilders.
'A man called Digby.
' What are the problems, do you think, by trying to turn this thing into a boat? - What's the biggest hurdle? - Capsizing.
Very worst death.
- Death? - Death.
It's a very big car to make into a boat.
But it already looks like a yacht.
Well, that's open for interpretation.
We don't need to get into that so much.
Can we make it happen? Um, if you look at basics of stability, you're putting tonnes of weight up there.
If you start moving through the water at any sort of speed, as soon as you hit a wave, you're going to end up down here, and risking happy people becoming very much dead people.
It's going to be difficult.
- Do you think this is a bad idea? - Oh, yes, it's a terrible idea.
- But it's doable? - Vaguely doable.
- But doable? - There's a chance.
OK! That's all we need to hear.
- Then we're doing it! - Welcome on board.
- Hey, let's hope that we live through this.
- Yeah, we'll be fine.
'So, we set to work, 'carefully extracting weight, 'remodelling the stern and bow, 'and delicately finessing the hull.
' Oh, hot, hot, hot! Well, what do you think? Probably need another day.
- Two days.
- Max.
- Yeah.
At last .
she was ready for testing.
And to do that, there was only one place to go.
What the hell am I doing here? This is genius, OK? We have unleashed the Rodius's inner beauty.
It was inspired by yachts, and now it has become a yacht! You're going to love this, I'm telling you.
Rory, bring her round! Woohoo! Come on! We did it! This is going to blow his mind! - Oh, my God.
- Look at that! That's right! That's right! Rear Admiral Reidat your service! Nice! There's a car in there! There's a car There's - It's really weird, now I can't un-see it! - Yeah! - Because I can sort of see a boat.
- It makes perfect sense! - It works, right? - This is what it was born for! It's actually disturbing.
Rory's dressed as Captain Birdseye - Admiral! - .
and he's Admiral Birdseye.
This is a luxury yacht, and when you're the admiral of a luxury yacht, you have to look the part.
Hence the outfit.
He does look good.
You've got to admit, he looks good.
No, the boat looks good.
It's a super-yacht.
Enough with the boat talk! How did you create it? Did you buy the hull of a speedboat and then just drive the Rodius as fast as you could into the back of it? Wait till you see the inside, it's killer.
Back it in here.
- I'll bring her round.
- Yeah, swing it around.
He's still getting the hang of driving it.
Give me a minute! Right in there somewhere Beautiful.
- So - Huh? - .
you're impressed, right? Did you do this on your own? We We had a bit of help.
Yeah, we had a little help from a guy called Digby, who uses the word "death" a lot, but that's not what's important.
No, what's important is, climb aboard the SsangYacht, and all of your land-based worries will simply wash away.
You can swim, right? What? This is absurd.
So, the seats have stayed, the dashboard has stayed.
This material here, this sort of fake marble, faux marble - what is it? That's real, genuinefake marble.
- What's that whirring sound? - It's a bilge pump, comes on automatically if water gets in the hull.
- I'm sorry? - What? 'While Chris came to terms with the awesomeness of our creation, 'we broke out the big guns.
' Ready? - Whoa! - Flatscreen TV! As if out of nowhere, it magically appears! - And disappears.
- If you want it to.
- Boom! - You are a pair of court jesters, aren't you? What are you talking about? This thing is fantastic.
So, you've been gone for weeks, and the sum total of your endeavours is a 12-inch TV screen that will only stay upright if you're holding a rope.
It's 15-inch.
- You like music, right? - Yeah.
Sit right here, please.
Right there.
Now, snap your fingers.
- Oh, look at that! - Boom! - Huh? - Grand piano! Check this out! Do we have to go and make it move at some point? 'Hell, yes, we did.
'And to get Chris on board once and for all, 'we gave him the first go.
' Yeah, baby! - Whoa! - The SsangYacht lives! This thing rocks, man! This is insane! What I will say is, it's got good power.
But I thought the Rodius had a ropey old Merc diesel.
No, no, no, now it's got two Volvo V-6 engines.
So that gives us a total of 400 horsepower.
How fast will it go? - I don't know.
- I have no idea.
- There's only one way to find out, isn't there? - Nail it! Whoo! That's 25 knots, right there! In a minivan, on the sea! I have to say that it is much better than I expected, and it is better to drive than the road-going SsangYong Rodius.
And I will begrudgingly concede that it's not utter crap.
- Excellent! - Thank you.
It's a winner! Well done, Rory! Yeah! So, I took the liberty of contacting leading luxury boat magazine Boat International, right, and asked them if they'd like to review it, and they said they're sending over their best reviewer.
- Yeah! - OK! - OK.
'So, we went to meet up with him.
'And inevitably' - No! - 'Yup.
' Ahoy! Afternoon, boys.
Are you reviewing our boat? Boat International correspondent at your service.
Yeah, no, it says right here, Eddie Jordan.
'Nevertheless, keen to make a big first impression, 'we suggested the first test be performance.
' Eddie, what do you say, let's run a quarter-of-a-nautical-mile drag race? - Down to that "booey" out there and back.
- Oh, OK.
- What's a booey? - Shut it! Three, two, one, go! Stand on it! Hold on! Oh, we've got the jump on him! Come on, baby, come on! Bloody hell, Rory, slow down! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I don't want to die! Come on! How many times have you driven a boat this fast? None! I ain't backing out.
Just hold on! - Whoo! - Aah! God, this is slow.
Look at that crappy boat there! Nice and easy round the booey.
- Left! - Go, go, go! - Here we go, steady, baby! - He's catching us, he's catching us! Now we're smokin'! Quick! Oh, when we get up speed, we're going to Ohh! Way to go, Rory, way to go! Now, stop the boat and never, ever drive that fast again with me in it! Ever! I hate that boat! 'The review was off to a rocky start.
'And once we'd slightly reduced the risk of being buried at sea' There we go.
our expert set us straight.
' Guys, you're completely missing the point.
'Apparently, luxury yachts aren't about speed, 'they're about showing off your toys' Where's he gone? Where'd he go? '.
as he then demonstrated.
' Ha-ha! This is what I'm talking about! Look at him go! Wow! He's quick for an old guy, isn't he? All right, so he's got toys on his boat.
We've got toys.
Do we have toys? 'Hell, yes, we did.
' Whoo! Nice work, Harris! - Nice work! - Yeah, Eddie, take that, baby! - This guy is a master of all forms of transport! - He's great! No! You know, I'm looking through Boat International, and I don't see any other super-yacht towing people off the back.
We are blazing a trail! How is he looking? He's down! He's down, he's down.
'Well, we'd proven our point, 'and once we'd found Chris, 'he was loving the SsangYacht as much as we were.
' We have just proved you can ski behind a Korean MPV! Eddie Jordan, stuff you! Ooh! - Careful of the paint job, man! - Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Do you think that will go down as a good review? - Well done, buddy, well done.
- He's going to love it.
'But he didn't.
' For heaven's sake! Being able to water-ski behind it doesn't make it a luxury yacht.
By the time we are finished with you, you will be convinced that this thing is the future of luxury yachting.
'We decided to bring Eddie aboard 'and show him the SsangYacht's hidden depths, 'so we headed for Monaco's legendary marina where, frankly, 'we blended right in.
' Ooh, ooh, ooh! I think we could squeeze in right behind him, we won't have to pay.
Mr Jordan! Admiral Reid.
Welcome aboard the SsangYacht.
Mr Jordan! Welcome aboard, sir.
Can I offer you a drink? Gin and tonic, I think.
Gin and tonic? - Gin and tonic it is.
- I'm very sceptical about all this.
You're sceptical? How sceptical? Very sceptical.
Very sceptical? OK! There you go.
Now, Eddie, you look like a guy that takes good care of himself.
- You go to the spa sometimes? - Sometimes.
- Check this out.
Are you ready? What we have here is special goldfish that we are trying to train to eat the dead skin off your feet.
So, drop your tootsies right in there and feel the love happening.
You feel them? - Are you guys for real? - Yeah.
'Sensing the onboard spa wasn't doing the trick, 'Rory made a panic move.
' 'And with that not working either' Really? '.
I quickly moved on to the as yet unexplored' Keep crawling, keep crawling, keep crawling.
master suite.
' Look at this! Is this spacious, or what? Huh? I think it's going really well.
I think he really likes it.
- You really think he likes it? - He loves it.
He just had his feet chewed by a recalcitrant goldfish! There's your toilet.
Right there.
Is that nice, or what? I am confused.
And then, this red button, do you see this? - Yeah.
- This red button - Yeah? .
ejects the waste, the sewage, away from the boat, so you're not snorkelling through it.
There's no cigar fish in your life.
- Give it a try.
- What, hit that? - Yeah, hit the button.
It's like a cannon a torpoodo! Oh! Must have been one in the chamber.
Rory, where are your manners? Sorry! I mean, lads, please You are having a laugh.
What do you mean? I mean, you can't possibly say that that's correct or proper.
Are you proud of it? Very.
Are you proud of me? No.
- Come on.
- How could I be? - We took a minivan - It's crap! But we took a minivan and turned it into a yacht! But only a lunatic would do such a thing.
'Eddie had seen enough, 'and with our first review complete, all that was left to do was 'to christen our ground-breaking vessel' '.
and set sail once again.
' So, where to next, boys? Portofino? Capri? - Miami.
- Oh, nice! - Yeah! - Can you just drop me off over there before you do that? Oh, come on.
I don't want to go any further.
Come on! Come on.
How amazing is that? How amazing is that? There it is! We built - We built a beautiful boat - Yeah.
- Nobody drowned.
- Nobody drowned.
- And we've removed a Rodius from the road.
- Yup.
Andand the torpoodo stopped doing that thing where it backfired.
Thatwas veryupsetting.
OK, OK, time for the big moment, because I have here the very first SsangYacht review by Mr Eddie Jordan in Boat International magazine.
Honestly, this is completely genuine, you can buy this right now from any goodboat newsagent.
- Come on, come on, what does it say? Show me, show, me.
- OK, OK, OK.
Right here, let's see All right, what have we got, what have we got? Um "Top-heavy "Awkward "Minefield of pointy corners" No, no, no "The worst thing to happen to boating since that iceberg.
" OK, OK, here we go.
In conclusion Uh, "It is quite simply the worst boat I have ever been on.
" How great is that? What What are you talking about? It's a terrible review! Yeah, but it's a review.
Boat International magazine deemed our little boat worthy of a review.
I mean, yeah, sure, they kicked us, but they kicked us over six very glossy pages.
I mean, feel that.
That is good stuff! Feel that.
Yeah, that is good.
And it's not every day you get the chance to be utterly trashed - right next to an advert for statue repair services.
- Yes, exactly! - We have arrived.
Well done, Captain Reid.
- Admiral.
- Admiral Reid.
- Well done, Seaman Harris.
- Thank you.
And that is the end of the series.
Thank you all so much for watching.
Have a great summer and we'll see you soon.
Good night!