Top Gear (2002) s26e01 Episode Script

Series 26, Episode 1

1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to an all-new series of Top Gear.
We're back and we've been hard at work.
Yeah, and you know how we used to get a bit big and explodey? Well, this series we're trying a quieter, more cerebral approach.
Nah, we're just kidding.
It's still going to be like this.
RASPY EXHAUST NOTE - Three - Yeah.
.
.
two .
.
one .
.
go! OK, we're up and away.
Ho, ho, ho! Let the games begin This doesn't look good.
I'm heading on the grass.
Chris has lost control! Jesus! Oh! Yee-haw! Go! Go! Go! Go! Ah, how smooth is that? It feels like it wants to go over.
- Where? - Everywhere.
CHRIS GIGGLES I can administer a wet willy.
Oh! This is like having a child test the rear seat.
CHRIS BREAKS WIND It does 97mph in first gear.
Pow! I love overtaking! # Ain't no stopping it # Ain't no stopping it # Ain't no stopping it Let the games begin.
You just wrecked my tuk-tuk.
Yeah, that's my bad.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, all that coming up over the next few weeks.
But first, let's talk station wagons.
He means estate cars.
Now, for the last couple of years, this has been the pick of the bunch, the benchmark, the Skoda Superb.
Rubbish name, cracking car.
But recently, we've seen a bunch of new contenders trying to beat the Skoda at its own game.
So, the producers told Chris and I to each choose our favourite practical family station wagon.
Estate car.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS And prepare for a series of challenges in the land of the Viking.
CHRIS SCOFFS Shut it.
LAUGHTER This is Norway.
Ancient, rugged and home to some of the world's most stunning roads.
So, when choosing a practical family estate car to test here, there was only one choice.
ENGINE ROARS This is what you want.
The Porsche Panamera Turbo Sport Turismo.
Now, I'll admit at £121,000, it's the upper limit of the family estate car market.
But it's pretty cool.
Yes, it's £101,000 more than your Skoda Superb estate but you do get a lot more for your money.
For starters, I've got four-wheel-drive.
I've got a twin turbo 540hp V8.
I've got it covered here.
I wonder what Matt's going to turn up in.
He's going to hate this.
Oh, I don't believe it.
Ferrari GTC4Lusso.
RADIO: You git! And I bet it's the V12, isn't it? Well, yeah.
RADIO: That's a £230,000 car.
No, no, it's a £230,000 family estate.
You've cheated! Well, technically, we've both cheated.
I just cheated better than you.
FERRARI ENGINE ROARS So, the Ferrari GTC4Lusso.
Quite possibly the coolest estate in the world.
It's got a naturally aspirated V12 engine that makes 690hp.
Or to put it another way, an entire Skoda Superb more than Harris's Porsche.
This is a family estate that'll do 208mph.
And that's the kind of speed your family will really appreciate.
"Are we there yet, Dad?" "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" "Yes, as a matter of fact, we are, son.
" "We arrived half an hour ago.
" Hey, Chris, what's the 0-60 time on that Porsche Pananarama? It's a Panamera.
And it's 3.
8 seconds.
This is 3.
4 seconds.
And that'll really come in handy on the school run.
You get an extra 0.
4 seconds in bed.
And you know what else you get for that 230 grand? Listen to this.
FERRARI ENGINE ROARS HIGH ENGINE REVS ECHO Chris, I can't hear your car.
Is it switched on? Yeah, very, very funny.
But, more to the point, the acoustics of tunnels are actually very, very interesting.
When your tunnel, like this one, has an uneven surface, that causes the sound waves to diffract in random FERRARI ENGINE REVS RADIO: Sorry, what did you say? Stop doing that.
I can't FERRARI ENGINE REVS What? ENGINES ROAR OK, I'm sorry, I just couldn't help but refract there.
Now, another interesting point for you.
Did you know the firing order of an engine has a huge effect on how it sounds? So, for example, this Porsche V8 has a firing order - one, three, seven, two, six, five, four, eight.
And Ferrari's flat-plane V8 goes - one FERRARI ENGINE ROARS With Norway echoing to the sound of the world's best and second-best estate cars, it wasn't long before we got some local attention.
Hey, look, it's Braveheart.
No, that's a Viking.
What do you think he wants? I don't know, he's got an axe.
Why don't you go and find out? Hi.
Morning.
Did you ever see Braveheart? Beautifully handled.
It's from the producers.
It says, "Since you have failed to bring sensible family estates" That's a matter of opinion.
".
.
you might as well head to Norway's greatest driving road, the Trollstigen.
" Sweet.
That's a "However, since you maintain your cars are practical" - Which they are.
- One of them is.
".
.
their usefulness will be tested en route.
Now go.
" All right, take it easy.
Nice axe.
ENGINE STARTS So, we set off for the Trollstigen, and determined to prove our cars' practical credentials, soon we came across the perfect place for some in-depth testing.
Oh, yes, baby! Now, you might be asking, why do you need this kind of pace in a family estate car? Think about it, it'd be practical.
B&Q car park fills up quickly.
You've got to get in there.
You've got to grab that space.
That's why you need the Panamera.
I'm telling you, this is the way to drop the kids off at school.
No need to park up.
Just kick it into a drift, open the passenger door, and the kids can just jump, tuck and roll.
See? Practical! Ho, ho, ho! This four-wheel-drive system's fantastic because when I want traction, the front axle comes with me and the moment I want to slide it around, there's a little German brain in there that says, "Yes, we will let you oversteer now.
" TYRES SCREECH Now, the GTC4 actually has two gearboxes.
One for the front axle and one for the rear .
.
which means they can send power to whichever one can use it best.
You don't get that in a Skoda Superb.
If you'd said to me 15 years ago I'd be sliding a large Porsche estate car around, I wouldn't believe they'd ever build such a thing.
It's got a pretty good balance to it.
I mean, it is a big car.
But the motor's just That was a sideways LeBlanc and then a spinning LeBlanc.
She got away from me a little bit.
CHRIS LAUGHS But then I discovered this playground came with a very unique feature.
Hey, Chris, take a look at this.
That looks quite dangerous.
Yeah, get it wrong here, and you are getting wet.
Which gave me an idea for an even better practical test.
OK, top speed challenge.
Fast as you can get before you have to hit the brakes.
Loser is the one who goes slowest, or ends up in the sea and drowns.
- You ready? - Can I just point out, this is very unfair? My top speed, 190mph.
Your top speed, 208mph.
Yeah, I'll go first.
You, er You keep an eye out for planes.
There's 100.
There's 130.
Oh, yeah! 177 I'm braking.
Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Ho, ho, ho, ho! 177 to beat.
Time for the Pananaramadingdong.
Oh! Launch control! That's fierce! I've got a bit of a secret weapon here and I've got 20 seconds of overboost in sport response mode.
We're still hauling.
We're still hauling.
Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! TYRES SCREECH I wouldn't want to be much further on than that! How fast did you go? First of all, I definitely braked later than you.
That wasn't the challenge.
How fast did you go? I think I did 165mph.
OK, that's good.
Come on! - 177?! - Yeah.
And you braked like a right wuss as well! I did, yeah.
You know, if you weren't so particular about drowning, you could have won that.
I still braked later than you.
- You did brake later than me.
- I braked later than you.
You should be proud of yourself! So, after one round of practical testing the Ferrari had, well, killed the Porsche, and Chris needed a win.
OK, let's talk Isofix.
Very important in any family estate car.
OK? My Porsche has them.
Does your Ferrari? Yes.
How many? I'm going, 11.
No.
One? Do you know what Isofix is? No.
Who cares? Isofix is for babies.
Tell me about the fuel economy in that beautiful V12.
Oh, I'd say it's, er, appalling.
It's got to be around 12 miles to the gallon.
How's yours? About double that.
24.
Double the car, double the fuel economy.
OK, I'll give him that one.
Oh, look, the Viking's back.
Hello.
Still working that axe, huh? RADIO: It's from the producers, Matthew.
It's time for a boot space challenge.
The summer solstice is traditionally marked in Norway with a big bonfire.
You will each load your cars with an entire tree's worth of firewood and race to your fjord-side cabin to build a fire.
Last to arrive fixes dinner.
So, the producers wanted to test our boot space and because they think they're funny, which they're not, when they said an entire tree's worth of firewood, that's exactly what they meant.
Ooh.
That is some green firewood.
I'm glad I brought a proper estate car, then, Matthew.
One with a boot.
What do you mean? Go and open the boot on that Ferrari.
It's absolutely tiny.
Come on.
Look.
Check it out.
It's got room for everything I need.
Have you felt how hot the boot floor gets? If you put the family Labrador in there, it would cook.
Are you done? Well, look at the leather as well.
So expensive.
How are you going to repair that when you drag a branch over it? OK, Chris, on go.
Go! CHAINSAW BUZZES Sport Turismo boot.
Look at the size of this.
Huge, split-fold rear seats.
So, fold this one down.
Where's my button? There we go.
Fold this one down.
And then apply some science.
Look at this science now.
Ready? How long is the boot? One, two, three paces.
How long is my tree? Well, it's twice the size of Matt's, obviously.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Three pieces, I'm in.
Let's go! While Matt channelled his inner lumberjack, my approach was much quicker.
See you! - Where are you going? - Loser.
You left half the tree! That's not an entire tree's worth of firewood! What is LeBlanc doing? Anyone knows that the key to doing well in a race is not how fast you go, it's how little time you spend stationary.
While he's messing around creating a beautiful log pile, I'm moving.
His extra 160hp doesn't mean anything here.
He's got to get it on to the surface and I think the Porsche has a cleverer four-wheel-drive system.
Er, well, I don't know if all that's going to fit in there.
Oof.
He's going to turn up with a very neatly arranged log pile in his very small boot.
I don't know how he plans to beat me.
Easy.
With a Schliesing 220MX.
This feels absolutely insane! £150,000, 190mph estate car on the loose.
I've got this nailed.
Not so fast, Chris.
Come on, he's got to be here somewhere.
My strategy is clearly the best.
That tree in Harris's car's never going to stay in there.
Never.
Oh! This is the most fun way to deliver stuff.
I don't know, wood, food, children.
- But then - Oh, there's a bit of a jump here.
Oh, BLEEP.
I'm missing a Come on, Harris, where are you? I know you're hiding.
I can smell you! Ho, ho, ho, ho! Oh, what happened? Oh, just a small Never mind.
I'll see you at the ford The fj- The fj- I'll see you at the lake.
Let's go and catch LeBlanc.
Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy, Harris.
Come on, Mr Porsche.
We know you're just better at everything.
Let's keep the pace up, because he is going to be right up my butt in no time, I know it.
I know I'm catching him.
I know I'm quicker on this surface than him.
His car is worth £300,000, for crying out loud.
He must be a little bit nervous.
Come on! This looks like it's fjord-like down here.
I'm running out of time.
Let's go.
Come on.
There you are! Ha, ha, ha! Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.
MATT CHUCKLES Congratulations.
Thank you.
So, 2-0 to the Ferrari.
And as the loser, Chris had to fix dinner.
Scandinavian mystery balls.
Hey, what time's it get dark around here? It doesn't get dark.
- Never? - Well, around September.
Well, I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to sleep before September.
- You got any more of those interesting facts? - Oh, yeah.
IKEA's naming strategy.
OK? So, bookshelves, coffee tables, now, they're named after Swedish places.
Yeah, that'll do it.
Keep talking.
OK, OK.
And, this is the really clever bit.
- Yeah.
- You'll love this.
I'm dying.
I'm on the edge of my seat.
Hall furniture and beds.
Now, they're named after Norwegian places CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And we will pick up that story a little later in the show.
Now, here's a little game we play in the office sometimes.
Imagine you've got £100,000 to buy two new cars to cover all bases.
What do you go for? OK, well, you've got to go practicality and performance.
So, I'm thinking Volvo XC90 and a Lotus Elise.
OK, good.
But wrong.
Because I've got a much, much better answer.
Rugged wilderness.
Great driving roads.
Practical urban living.
For £100,000, picking just two cars to handle everything Britain has to offer isn't easy.
But I have found the answer.
What you need is a £15,000 Suzuki Ignis.
And that's it.
Save the rest of your 85 grand because this is two cars in one.
I mean, it's all the cars in one.
This car does everything.
Bombing around town, tick.
Looking great while bombing around town, tick.
Charging both my phones while looking great, while bombing around town, tick, tick, tick.
It is quite literally the solution for anything that Britain can throw at you.
I mean, come on, you can't drive two cars anyway.
And with the Ignis you don't have to nip home to change it when the open road beckons.
Although, admittedly, it's not what you'd call quick.
It uses a 1.
2 litre engine, which makes, I don't know, several horsepower.
It does 0-60 in under 12 seconds and tops out at 103mph.
But let's be honest, if your 100 grand garage has some 150mph sports car, you're going to end up spending even more cash on speeding tickets.
But in the Ignis, it's basically impossible to get a speeding ticket.
Don't quote me on that, especially in a court of law.
And in its own leisurely old-fashioned sort of way, the Ignis really is a joy to drive.
Look at that weight transfer, just like you'd get in an old-school rally car.
Five-speed manual, same as you'd find in an old Lambo Diablo, by the way.
Nice to see that technology trickling down.
It's just a willing, happy, engaging little car.
Oh, look, there's a sheep .
.
overtaking me.
And when the open road runs out, the Ignis just keeps going.
It's light, it's tough, it's got good ground clearance, and most importantly, it's got four-wheel-drive.
Look at that.
Honestly, this thing, it just skips over the bumps.
It's smooth.
Oh! So smooth! And of course, if you spend 60 grand on an off-roader, you don't actually want to take it off-road in case you scuff it.
If you spend 15 grand on an off-roader, you don't mind getting it dirty.
You know? Even a bit dented.
That's what it was made for.
But the biggest advantage to only spending 15 grand on your perfect £100,000 garage? It leaves you with loads and loads of money to spend on whatever you want.
Check it out.
So, I've bought this watch.
Huh? Yeah.
I mean, I've already got a watch.
But I figured, why not have one on each wrist? Brow.
Thank you.
Oh, I also bought a towel man.
I didn't even know that was a thing.
He's very good.
Discreet.
Bit bumpy.
Sorry, Dimitri.
You know, maybe it's Dimitri's steaming mint-scented towelette talking, but honestly, this really is all the car you'll ever need.
Your Range Rovers and your Cayennes get bigger and bigger year on year.
You know what doesn't get bigger? British countryside.
It's staying the same size.
It has done for years.
The Ignis just fits Britain.
There is nowhere this car cannot go.
And so I give you, the Suzuki Ignis.
My answer to the perfect 100 grand garage, complete with a lot of change to spare.
Will you start the fans, please? I have always wanted to do this.
RORY LAUGHS Oh.
Thanks.
Ah, it's from the producers.
It says, "You think your tiny city car can handle anything? "Time to prove it.
You will drive to the top of Gurlet Hill.
" Which one's that? That one up there.
- What, that? - The big one.
No, no, that's a mountain, mate.
Apparently, not quite.
At 1,998 feet, Gurlet Hill falls just two feet short of mountain status.
And if I could transport two feet's worth of rocks to the top of it I would have the honour of christening Britain's newest mountain.
Oh, yes! I like it! If ever there was a test for my mini off-roader, this was it.
So I equipped the Ignis with a smattering of off-road gear and steeled myself for the solo ascent.
All right, Ignis, me and you versus the wilderness.
HORN BEEPS Hi, buddy! Sabine, what are you doing? Beating you to the top of the hill.
Yes, to make things interesting, the producers had invited along some competition.
A ruthless German driving the reigning champion of the baby SUV world, the Fiat Panda cross.
OK, bring it! Oh, jeez, Dimitri, sorry, mate.
Get out, yeah? Towel time's over.
Thanks, buddy.
Thanks.
OK, here we go.
Three .
.
two .
.
one.
.
.
.
go! Woo! Come on, Ignis! Reid is in the lead! River! Aaah! Mount Ignis or Mount Panda? Woohoo! To the mountain! To claim the name we'd have to climb over 1,000 vertical feet up the slopes of Gurlet Hill's muddy, rocky, moorland terrain, and that meant the key was to find a route our cars could actually handle.
I need a turning, I need a turning.
OK, bye, Rory! She's gone.
Go, little Panda! I'm taking this one.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I hope this is the way.
Already attacking the lower slopes Second gear! .
.
Sabine had found herself a rough but open climb.
Woohoo! I, on the other hand, was borderline trespassing through someone's farm.
Which way? Which way? Through here.
Here we go! A gate? A gate? But to turn this hill into a mountain, we each needed the rocks to do it and the farmer had kindly left me a ready supply.
Making a mountain! Sabine, meanwhile I need rocks! Oh! .
.
had her own approach.
Sorry, Panda! Ugh! One That's for my Mount Panda! Yeah! Rocks aboard, it was time to leave the lower slopes behind and make a break for the wide open moorland that led to the summit.
Oh, my God, that thing's massive! Wide open moorland, which, it turned out, could only be reached through one narrow gate.
- Oh, there's Sabine! - SABINE LAUGHS No! Aaahh! She's got in front of me! Come on, Ignis! Now well on our way to the top of the hill, our intrepid little off-roaders would have to tackle terrain that would test even the biggest and toughest 4x4s.
And the Panda was in trouble.
She's stuck! Come on, baby! No, no, no, no! Don't get stuck.
Don't get stuck.
Do not get stuck.
Do not get stuck.
Come on, come on! Come on, come on, come on, come on.
That's not fair! - Come on! - Yeah! We're moving! HE LAUGHS And she's not! Oh, I'm too heavy! Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, I have found me a trail.
Leaving Sabine bogged down, the Ignis and I could make a break for it.
Oh, no! Panda.
And forced to ditch weight to get herself moving This trail is a disaster.
.
.
while Team Panda had some serious catching up to do Come on, Panda! Yee-ha! Go, go, go, go! .
.
Team Ignis were making effortless progress ish.
Yeah, I know that looks bad, but it's Hang on! Yes, the climb was punishing both our cars.
HE GRUNTS No! But despite punctures I don't need you any more.
.
.
and a few knocks Argh! .
.
OK, a lot of knocks - they kept pushing forward, and best of all, the Ignis was still in front.
Gurlet Hill wasn't done yet.
With 440 feet left to climb, I reached a towering ravine and the steepest part of the ascent.
Holy Oh, I might need help with this.
Luckily, I had just the tools for the job.
Land anchor! Yes! The automotive equivalent of an ice pick and a climbing rope.
I saw this on YouTube once.
Can't be that hard.
There's a lot you can learn off the internet.
- REVVING - We are moving! We are moving.
All right.
Next leg.
Oh, yeah.
The winner was going to have to haul themselves to the top.
And already, three winch lengths in Sabine! .
.
I had a massive lead.
For a minute.
Yeah! Get out of my way! Yeah! - No, no! - Yeah! - No! - SHE LAUGHS How did you get up here? I'm in the lead! - But thankfully, the Panda could drive no further.
- Oh-oh! It was Sabine's turn to start winching.
And with the summit now just 37 land anchors away Get off my car, get off my car! .
.
so began the slowest drag race in history.
Welcome to Top Gear, where a small Fiat and a small Suzuki are driving very slowly up a hill.
We inched our cars higher and higher.
Until eventually - like, really, really eventually She's gaining, she's gaining.
.
.
we made it to the top of the ravine.
Come on, come on.
And with just the last short dash to the summit left I'm coming, Rory.
.
.
it was go time.
Oh, we're motoring now, baby.
There's the summit.
I can see it.
That's what I'm talking about.
Come on, Ignis.
OK, little Panda.
Full power.
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
Come on! Ah! Argh! - Not now.
- Rory, I catch you! Oh, stuck! Woo, hoo, ooh! Oh, yeah! - No, no! - Bye-bye! Argh! - Yeah! - No! See you later, alligator! I'm not letting her win.
I am not letting her win.
Maybe if I go backwards? Yes, yes! It's working.
Come on! Up the hill.
Yes! I found a route! Ooh! HE LAUGHS I need another plan! No, no, no.
I need a miracle.
Ha-ha! Woohoo! I'm nearly there! Yes, Sabine and the Panda had reached the summit.
Woohoo! Little Panda.
INDISTINC Yes! Oh! But as she staked her claim for Britain's newest mountain Ta-dah! Mount Panda! .
.
there was one last ray of hope for the Ignis.
That's not two feet.
I'm on top of my own mountain! Mount Panda.
Hang on a minute.
What's wrong? You do realise we are supposed to build an extra two feet on top of this hill in order for it to be a mountain? Oh, man.
Come on.
You don't want to lose.
You're a bad loser.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
We've got - You are a bad loser.
No, we have to do this properly, otherwise, it's not a mountain.
Yeah, no problem.
Look.
Oh-oh! - It's 19.
5 inches.
- Aw! - It's not enough.
- OK.
It's not a mountain.
Sabine was 4.
5 inches short.
Come, give me your rocks.
I'm not sure you understand how this works.
We're not a team.
- We are competing against each other.
- No, no.
But with negotiation skills that would put Brexit to shame - Mount Igna.
- Igna? No, no, no.
Panda must be the first letter.
It's not my fault you didn't collect your rocks.
We agreed to raid the Ignis for a little extra altitude - I can't believe I'm actually helping you win.
- Yes.
.
.
and settled on a result.
- 38 inches.
- Yes.
- That's a mountain.
- Yes! Britain's newest mountain would be named - That is Mount Pagnis.
- Pagnis! - Come on! THEY LAUGH - Woohoo! - Mount Pagnis! THEY LAUGH That was exhausting.
Can I have a lift down? - Sure.
- All right.
- Your car's BLEEP.
THEY LAUGH APPLAUSE OK, OK.
Sabine may have won, but credit where credit's due - that was genuinely impressive.
Yeah, you know.
Build a mountain with my bare hands.
No big deal.
In my house, we call that Tuesday.
Yeah, except you didn't actually build a mountain, did you? Well, er, kind of ish Mmm What did the people from the Ordnance Survey say? Come on.
They said stop phoning us.
- LAUGHTER - And? Well, they said that dumping a bunch of rocks in a spare wheel on top of a hill doesn't officially make something a mountain.
Like they'd know! What was the exact phrase they used? - Fly-tipping.
- LAUGHTER Matt? OK, now it's time to put a Star In A Reasonably Fast Car.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome star of X-Men, 30 Rock and Westworld, James Marsden.
APPLAUSE Yeah! How are you, sir? OK, OK.
INDISTINC Welcome to the show.
Thanks for coming all the way from LA.
This is cool, man.
This is a show I've watched for ages and now I'm sitting here with you guys, it's pretty damn cool.
Because you've always been a car guy, right? I mean, I Yeah.
I guess every guy is, like, "I love cars," but to me, I grew up in Oklahoma in a pretty rural part of Oklahoma City, and was driving when I probably shouldn't be driving.
14.
We sort of have it backwards there.
We can drive at 16 but you have to wait to 21 to drink.
I think it sort of should be reversed, but I was driving back rural roads on, you know, gravel roads in my mom's '78 Oldsmobile Cutlass, figuring out what oh, counter steer is.
"Oh, this is fun!" - Yeah, some of my best times were in a car.
- Doing crazy stuff? Yeah, some incriminating things, actually, I think.
Hopefully the statute of limitations is past, but I was - Yeah, we're a small island off Europe.
It doesn't matter here.
- Yeah, bring it! Great.
Well, I won't go back to the States! I'll stay here.
No, my buddies and I, once I got, you know, you get your licence and then you're off.
Like, if you're lucky enough to have a car, but we, um, we were so bored during the summers, we would look through the classified ads for cars for sale, and we would target cars that were just two seaters, in the hope that the owner would be, like, "You boys go take it for a test drive.
" And we would take these cars and learn how to drive them - a manual gearbox, and, you know, find puddles and right-hand turns and let the tail-end go out and, you know, bring the car back.
And they'd trust you to do that? 80% of the time, yeah.
And we'd bring it back.
We'd sort of dress up nice and be, like, "Mmm.
I don't know.
"We have to take it for a spin.
" You know, some 16-year-old! But, um They couldn't have been great cars! - Well, it was like RX-7s, and, you know, and - Really? Any car that slides is a great car.
You know that? - This is true, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
I think we took out a 928 once.
Er, yeah.
Yeah! - We wouldn't thrash them, obviously, but we would We would thrash them.
- Yeah, exactly! That's not the craziest thing you and your buddies did, is it? Like I said, there wasn't a lot going on in Oklahoma during the summers, so we would get bored, and we had this game we played where, if you, like, the Vulcan neck pinch, where if you pinch one of your buddies' neck, no matter what they were doing, they'd have to stop what they were doing.
So at speed sometimes, high speeds occasionally, we would think it would be funny to come up behind the driver and pinch his neck, and if that happened, you had to stop, like, even going 100mph, you'd just drop.
LAUGHTER And then the friend in the passenger seat, "Take the wheel, take the wheel!" By the way, I don't I don't condone this behaviour or encourage this kind of behaviour at home, or anywhere else.
I do.
That sounds like fun! All right, let's take a look at your training lap with Chris.
How did that go out there? What do you think? It was I don't know.
You tell me.
I don't remember it.
I'm not good at doing two or three, what, three things at once.
You were a heady combination of nerves, ambition, terror and sitting on the wrong side of the car.
That was I don't want to I don't want to look for any excuses, but that did - It's a tough gig.
- That stymied me.
But I could tell from the start that there was talent there.
So let's see it.
Come on, let's see it.
- All right, let's take a look.
- All right.
Don't build me up too much, Buttercup! LAUGHTER James, welcome to the Top Gear test drive.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for having me.
- I know that you're - I'm not nervous.
I know you've wanted to come here for a while.
I have been, yes.
I've been The last 10 years of my life, I've been watching this show and seeing you guys kicking butt the last couple of years.
I've always thought - you know, you always think, "I'm a competitive person," so you look at the leaderboard, and you want to be atop it.
I'm hoping I can get up there, but I'm also realistic about my Before we've even started, you're telling me you want to be at the top of the leaderboard! - Did I say that? - Yeah.
But that's the challenge, OK.
- That may just be jet lag.
- That might alter my behaviour.
Let's get going.
I'm going to push you.
- All right.
- Go.
Give it some beans.
Give it some beans! - All right! - Go! Push me.
But I need you to push me.
Third gear.
Don't Don't shift till that red light comes on.
- All right.
- Wait for the red.
Wait for the red light.
There you go.
Let her sing.
Do you do any of your own stunt driving or not? - Er, clearly not! - Yeah, you'd be good enough.
- Ah, there's the grass! - Oh, he's using all the track! - And what are you going to do before the tyres? - Brake in second.
- You are.
- Did I get it? - No, that's fourth.
BLEEP.
That's second.
Yes! Round to the right-hand side.
Whoo! Come on, let's let them loose a little bit.
Did you see those snakelike reactions on the oversteer? Amazing! - Good, good.
- Second? Third? - Third.
- BLEEP.
Round to the left, round to the left.
Leave it in third.
Leave it in third.
That's good.
You can carry third.
Get the clutch out, get the clutch out.
Don't dip the clutch there.
Hammerhead, the notorious Hammerhead.
The notorious Hammerhead.
Does it look as glamorous as you thought it would? Er, it! I didn't see it go by.
This is good.
Flat down, flat down, flat down.
I can see that foot.
Get that foot in that footwell.
Fourth gear.
That's good.
Woohoo! Jesus, this feels like it's going to roll.
OK.
What's the fastest you've been in a motor car until now? Um, what? 140mph.
- On the track or on the road? - In a 1979 Camaro.
- Brake, brake, brake! - Third, break.
- That's good, that's good.
That's good.
What's your favourite car in a film ever? Er, favourite car in a film.
We're going off the track here.
- Talk and drive, talk and drive.
- Oh, I can't! The Judge, The Judge! The Judge! The Judge! Over the line.
That's good.
OK, let's stop there.
Let's stop there.
- Talking of driving - It really is, like, can you do four things at once? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's that, it's that one, isn't it? It is, man.
APPLAUSE Good.
I don't remember any of that.
- I was so I was so calm.
- He's very distracting.
Yeah, you asked me what my favourite car in a film was.
I was, like, "What's a car?" I don't know what a car is! - Well, I'm - I was just trying not to die! My job is to coach you and distract you.
It's quite a strange role.
- Oh, well, you achieved that.
- CHRIS LAUGHS OK, let's get back to cars.
At the start, what was your first car? Er, my very first car was a 1986 Pontiac Firebird.
Um, it was a V8 350hp V-8 that was all power to the rear wheels and, you know, it was easy to let things slide into kerbs, which I did frequently.
I was 16 when I had it, so I thought it would be cool to call it the Lovebird.
- Ooh! - Yeah, yeah.
It wasn't that cool.
It turns out It turns out that was one of the reasons why I didn't have a girlfriend! Um And then after that, how did you replace the Lovebird? I graduated in '91, dating myself, - but I was given as a graduation gift a '91 Honda Accord, like, burgundy.
- Ooh! - Yeah.
- And did the love life improve, or? - I got sensible and boring.
- Yeah.
- Not as much spirit or soul as the - No.
The Lovebird.
But, er, But then you had another Accord, right, after that? - I did, yeah.
It sounds like I loved the Accord, but when I decided - Ooh! - That one's nice.
I like that one.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I always love it when you take a sensible, dependable car, and sport it up with louvres or a spoiler like that.
But louvres actually mean something in your country, cos you have sun.
We had louvres in the '80s, but we didn't have the sun.
- I don't understand why we had them.
- What, is that? I still do this day don't know what they're used for.
- Is it just for blocking sun out? - Downforce, mate.
- Artificial downforce.
- Downforce.
Yeah, yeah.
And getting chicks! I mean, look at that baby.
Probably be quite helpful for BLEEP as well.
If you look at it LAUGHTER But I drove to LA when I decided to be an actor.
I moved in '93 to LA and I drove out in that car, listening to Don McLean's American Pie on a loop, trying to remember the lyrics.
You know, the Firebird was fun for a while, but that was, like, the sensible car.
So you have actually owned a couple of British classics, haven't you? I had a little patch where my son was getting into cars.
He was seven, eight, maybe nine, something like that, so I was, like, let's get an old classic and sort of share working on it with him.
There was a little car show nearby where we lived at Bob's Big Boy - like, a diner.
- I've been there, I've been there.
- You've been there, yeah.
- You two go to a place called Bob's Big Boys? - Yeah.
- No, no.
No.
Bob's Big Boy.
- Oh, Big Boy.
- It's a burger joint.
- Being singular doesn't make it any better, Matt! - LAUGHTER Bob's Big Boys has a whole other meaning, doesn't it? Um, yeah, so I bought a 1960 I think it was a 1964 MG Midget, in, like, British racing green and I like to buy cars that make me look bigger.
LAUGHTER Obviously! And then, after that, - I had a '67 Austin Healey BJ8 3000 for a little while.
- Oh! Another British racing green, a little darker, but I couldn't afford the Jag E-type, so I went for the, er - All right.
- I went for the Healey.
I think it's time we take a look at your lap out there.
- What do you think? - Do we have to? - You've flown a long way to do this.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I've waited many years to try this out.
It always looks easier when you're watching TV.
Was it easier without him screaming at you, - asking you dumb questions all the time? - No offence, but, yes.
LAUGHTER - Let's take a look.
Come on.
- Hey.
Off the line.
That's a good start, James.
# Just some good ol' boys Never meanin' no harm Urgh, late brake here! OK, enough of the Dukes of Hazzard.
What's the line like? The line is good.
Looks like them Duke boys are up to no good! Now, this was the one you were struggling with earlier.
Braking, that's good.
Second gear now.
What's the line like here? That's pretty good.
Running wide there to let the car build speed.
We're going to need a faster car! You didn't say that when I was in there, did you? Third.
Come on, you BLEEP! Fourth.
Braking, this looks good.
Lot of roll on the car, roll is good, roll equals speed.
You sort of V'd the corner off a bit there.
Now you're still getting wide and carrying speed.
Now, the Follow Through.
Aagh! That's first! It's in there.
Damn! Damn having to shift with the left! Very good costume drama English accent.
Through the Follow Through, that looked faster.
Can't pick my nose with my left hand, much less find third gear! Brake lights Not even a hint of brake lights.
- HE SCREECHES - Don't know what that noise was.
Let you off slow Like the raptor in Jurassic Park! Second to last, through, using all the track.
No idea what gear I'm in, cos I'm using my left hand - Gambon, what's he going to be like? - .
.
not my right! Big flourish over the line.
That was fast! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - That looked fast.
Like the car Like the car, it looked reasonably fast.
- I think that looked pretty quick.
- Where would you like to be? I would love to be sub 1.
40, but I'm not sure I broke that.
- Sub 1.
40? Yeah, might be too - He's aiming high! Maybe sub 1.
44, how about that? Sub 1.
44?! I don't know, is that good or bad? Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sub 1.
50.
LAUGHTER No, no, the other way, the other way, up! Oh, the other way, up! All right.
I mean, that's where you want to be, right? You want to be right at the top, I think.
No, I feel like, you know, I'm cosy right there in the middle.
Can you just read out the time?! LAUGHTER All right.
James Marsden, you went around our track in one minute Phew! .
.
30 - AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Happy there.
- .
.
9 - Ooh! - .
.
flat.
- OK! - That's good.
- I'll take that.
- That is good.
- That is a great effort.
Well done.
Do I get a handicap for setting off with the right hand driving? - That was good, that was really good.
- I'll take it.
- Yeah.
- I'll take it.
Ladies and gentlemen, James Marsden! - Thank you.
Good to see you.
- Good job! - Have a good one.
I like that guy.
OK, now it's time to get back to Norway, where, as you'll remember, Chris and I were testing a pair of practical, everyday family station wagons Estate cars.
OK! .
.
from Porsche and Ferrari.
And we were closing in on one of Europe's greatest driving roads, the Trollstigen.
A few hours later, we got back on the road.
And stats man Harris was still rolling out the facts.
Do you know why Bluetooth is called Bluetooth? No, but I suspect that I'm about to find out.
It's named in honour of King Harald Bluetooth.
Now, Harald was a 10th-century Viking king, famous first of all for having blue teeth because he ate so many blueberries, but also for uniting the nations of Norway and Denmark - the way that Bluetooth unites different wireless technologies into one universal standard.
No way.
How good is that?! Awesome.
In my defence, we did have a lot of ground to cover to reach the Trollstigen.
But if Matt didn't want to learn - fine.
On a long drive, there's plenty more to keep you occupied in the Porsche.
Massage seats.
I'm going to go shiatsu.
Yeah! Wow, this sort of touch panel thing here, this is really cool, the touch panel thing.
I like the steering wheel, though.
I like these, these are nice.
Ohhh! Yes, baby! Hey, Chris, you know what I don't get about my car? It used to be called the FF, but now Ferrari have renamed it the GTC4Lusso.
What was wrong with good, simple Ferrari FF? - Well, what did it actually mean? - Ferrari Four.
Four seats, four-wheel-drive.
So it was the Ferrari Ferrari Four? No, no, the Ferrari Four.
But that would just be the Ferrari F.
No, the second F is for four.
The Ferrari F-Four?! But before we could conclude this important debate, we had arrived at Norway's greatest driving road.
Oh, my God, look at that! Yeah.
Wow! The Trollstigen.
Climbing 850m up a wall of solid rock, this narrow switchback ribbon of tarmac is as challenging as it is spectacular.
Before we could attack it, though, we were greeted by an old friend.
Oh, boy.
- Look who's back.
- Yeah.
Why isn't he wearing one of those helmets with horns? No, Matt, actually, the idea that Vikings all wore horned helmets is total nonsense.
There's no evidence for it whatsoever.
- Well, we should probably - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
"Welcome to the Trollstigen.
" Thank you.
"You will now demonstrate your estate's people-carrying "credentials by giving some typical Norwegians a lift.
"To win, load your passengers on board "and reach the top of the valley in the fastest time.
- "A special prize awaits.
" - Ah! Tre, to, en Go! Come on! Get a move on! In a winner-takes-all final challenge, we would have to get a car full of BASE jumpers to the top of the Trollstigen.
Go! OK, come on, get in, get in, get in! Fastest time wins.
Ready? Oh, what a motor, huh? You like that? Come on, Porsche! We can do it.
Oh, so much power! TYRES SCREECH I'm sure you're all very, very impressed by the power and the grip of the Panamera Sport Turismo, yes? Did you see that?! You guys are nuts! You just smash the throttle open and it goes.
Come on, LeBlanc, put your foot down.
Got to beat Joey! It's got power everywhere! Sprint to the end! And across the line - Yes! - Yay! OK, there's the finish line, great.
How great was that road?! - Very, very great.
- Thanks, guys.
- Nice bunch of guys, huh? - No, they're not normal, or they? - No, no.
- They're not normal.
I mean, they're going flying in suits.
- Yeah.
Most people use a plane.
It's our friend again.
How did you get up here so quick? OK, these are the times.
"Matt LeBlanc, you did it in three minutes and 13 seconds.
" That's a good job.
"Chris Harris, you did it in .
.
"two minutes and 45 seconds.
" Yes, yes! "The winner may now collect their prize from the boot of their car.
" - What is it, like, a Fortnum & Mason hamper? Goodies? - I don't know.
A bit of booze? Oh, no.
That's a wingsuit! It'll be fun, you're going to love it.
HE CHUCKLES - There's two wingsuits there.
- Really? - Yeah.
All right.
I'll jump if you jump.
- Really?! - Well, how hard can it be? I mean, it's just falling.
If I do this, you promise you'll jump? I promise! Come on.
OK.
One, two No, wait, wait, wait.
Is it one, two, three, or one, two, three, go? - One, two, three, go! It always is.
- OK, all right! - Get on with it! All right.
OK.
One .
.
two, three .
.
go! I can't believe he did it! Wow! CHRIS SCREAMS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ohh! Luckily, he landed in an eagle's nest and it adopted him and fed him all summer.
Can I just point out, though, that earlier on, I presented a 15-grand Suzuki that could do anything, and now you guys are telling people to buy a Ferrari or a Porsche for six figures, instead of a perfectly good Skoda Superb that does everything? Rory, Rory, this is Top Gear, so, yeah! Yeah, we're not saying they should buy a Ferrari or a Porsche, we're saying they should buy the Porsche.
No, no, we're not saying that.
We're saying they should buy the Ferrari.
So, you went to Norway and then didn't even decide which was the best car? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Right.
We're here to help! And on that conclusive note, we must end the show.
Thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next week.
Goodnight!