Top Gear (2002) s26e02 Episode Script

Series 26, Episode 2

1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Top Gear.
Now .
.
I think you'd be pretty impressed if I told you we drove a car to the bottom of the sea and then drove it out again, right? Right? Well, this week .
.
we do half of that.
But first, we need to talk about the British economy.
Now, the Government has a plan to speed up business, and it's something called HS2, a high-speed train line between London and the North, and they say it's going to cost £56 billion.
But Chris Harris thinks he's got a better business plan.
Ladies and gentlemen, the future of British business could just be the BMW M5.
At £90,000, it sounds expensive, but for the price of HS2, you could buy one of these with petrol money to spare for the entire population of Manchester.
That'll speed up business between London and the North.
Because this is an M5 with a 4.
4 litre twin turbo V8 with just about 600hp.
And that means it's really very fast .
.
indeed.
Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! In fact, this four-door saloon car has a top speed of 190mph.
The world's gone mad! The Government reckons its shiny new train will do Manchester to London in one hour and eight minutes.
Now, in the new M5, at 190mph, you'd cover the same distance in one hour and FIVE minutes.
OK, you have to break a few speed limits along the way.
But we're thinking big ideas here.
Besides, it's not just top speed where the M5 leaves the train in the sidings.
Because BMW says it'll do 62mph in 3.
4 seconds.
That's impressive! Which is about 25 seconds faster than any train on the planet.
And the reason it's so fast off the line? Well, it's four-wheel drive.
Yeah, BMW has done the unthinkable.
The M5 is defined by being the ultimate two-wheel drive fast saloon car, but when you have 600hp, you need to drive all four wheels.
Now, for die-hard M5 fanatics out there like me, this is a big one.
Because selling the M5's rear-drive soul for the sake of some extra traction is frankly nothing short of sacrilege.
So, it's just as well BMW has a solution.
Because if I fiddle around down here and play with my menus, the sensible four-wheel drive super saloon becomes a HE LAUGHS .
.
a very un-sensible, two-wheel drive saloon car.
And that's an M5.
This button is basically the 11pm at the Christmas party button - business matters out the window, tequila shots all round, probably going to end a bit messily.
That is some trick.
Four-wheel drive when you want to be sensible.
Two-wheel drive when you want to be an idiot.
- Oh, - BLEEP, - that's lairy.
And let's not forget, the M5 will do all of this and let you avoid the misery of rail travel.
I'm never going to make that meeting, you need to move the meeting, just move it to the later one.
I told you to do it yesterday.
I don't know why we're still having this conversation.
No, I can't, really I really think we've got this one nailed.
Just ditch HS2 and your fancy train project and make sure that it's M5s all round, please.
Thank you, Government.
Like all big government projects, though, this will have to be put out to tender.
And there is another bidder.
The Mercedes AMG E63 S.
Just like the M5, it's a four-door saloon that costs about £90,000.
And, just like the M5, it's got a twin turbo V8 sending 600hp from four-wheel drive.
0-60, 3.
4 seconds.
Top speed, 186mph.
Which is a bit less than the BMW, but still, you knowenough.
And just like the M5 .
.
push a few buttons and the E63 S will also become rear-wheel drive.
It takes all of about ten seconds driving it to realise the Mercedes is actually a much more aggressive machine.
The gear changes are faster, it revs faster.
The whole car wants to be even more of a hooligan.
Good Lord! And it sounds so angry! It sounds oddly familiar.
When I was younger, I had a physics teacher who dressed really normally.
From the outside, he looked like the most ordinary man alive, placid, easy-going.
But when he blew his fuse, he went absolutely nuts.
That's the E63.
From the outside, it looks ordinary, but when you get in it and let it go, it's a frothing lunatic of a super saloon! The M5 invented this class of car, that's why it's called the M5 class.
And Mercedes, bless it, has spent decades trying to muscle in on BMW's patch.
With this car, it might finally have done it.
But there is, of course, only one way to find out.
Because if we're going to speed up Britain's economy, what really matters is which car is the fastest way to do business.
Now, I can't drive both cars, so we've had to call in some help from the only creature ever to have been rejected as an Apprentice candidate for being too obnoxious.
It's The Stig's business cousin.
And he is mighty business.
Got your Filofax in there? THE APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS So, one lap of the track, the winner first to reach the boss's parking space.
Business time starts on the stroke of the hour.
That is just cheating.
Absolutely ruthless, this.
Business Stig not to be messed with.
You know all those awful motivational phrases? He invented all of them, Business Stig did.
"Blue sky thinking"? Before that, we just had ideas.
It was a shambles.
"Get your ducks in a row," that was Stig, he invented that one.
Before that, there were just ducks everywhere.
Oh, I'm looking a bit quicker than you, Mr Stig.
Right, I've got him up the inside.
I've got him! I've got him! To the winner the spoils.
Where are you going? Power lunch, is it? Power lunch? Sulky.
I'll shut your door, shall I? DOOR SHUTS There you go, Government, the future of British business lies in the E63 S.
I can't tell you how closely matched these two cars are.
The M5 is a fantastic super saloon.
But, for me, the Mercedes just edges it in a couple of key areas.
It's more exciting without the compromise of being any less comfortable.
It's a bit more agile.
And I just love that engine and that gearbox.
So, yes, the M5 has finally been beaten.
I think this is the best fast saloon car you can buy.
This is a bold statement.
But also, I'm afraid, in this day and age, a completely pointless one.
Out in the real world, there's no escaping the fact that 600hp super saloons, they just don't make sense.
Back in the '80s, when the first M5 was launched, that was different.
That M5 would have got you from home to the office, to the golf club, or wherever else you wanted to go faster than a normal 5 Series.
But not any more.
A diesel 5 Series will get you there just as quick, cost you half as much to buy and half as much to fuel.
This car - these cars - they're irrelevant.
They're an answer to a question people are no longer asking.
As irrelevant answers go, though, it is an entertaining one.
And, let's face it, it still beats the train.
APPLAUSE So, to summarise, what you're saying is the Government should just get rid of this HS2 thing and just give everyone in Manchester a Mercedes E63 instead? Yeah, common-sense policies for a common-sense Britain.
You have had some ludicrous theories in your time.
But this - .
.
this is genius! - Thank you.
- I can't see a flaw! And I love the fact that they're all-wheel drive and rear-wheel drive.
You know what these cars are? They're mullets.
Party at the front, business at the rear.
- Was it the other way around? - It was, wasn't it? LAUGHTER I've never had a mullet! And also, it feels a bit wrong, us making hair gags, doesn't it? You know? - Well, one of us has a choice about their hairstyle.
- Yeah.
But they are fantastic things.
Awesome super saloons.
Let's big it up for the super saloons.
Now, the other day in the office, we were having a debate.
What's the most versatile car in the world? Range Rover? Jeep? The good old American pick-up truck? Well, not according to Chris Harris, because he thinks there's one vehicle out there that beats them all for versatility, and he took me on a little trip to its natural habitat just around the corner.
Sri Lanka.
25,000 square miles of every terrain imaginable.
From beaches to rainforest, mountains to city sprawl.
It's where a population of more than 20 million has chosen one vehicle above all others to tame this tropical island.
And I think they're on to something.
Welcome to Sri Lanka.
The beautiful city of Kandy.
- I know one thing about Sri Lanka.
- What's that? - Elephants.
- Can we see some elephants? - All in good time, Matthew.
I've brought you to Sri Lanka to experience one of the most versatile forms of transport on the planet, OK? And what's more, I've brought us one each.
- You've brought us elephants? - No, I've brought us cars.
- It's a car show.
- OK, all right.
- Here we go.
- What do you think? - You brought me halfway round the world to see a tuk-tuk? I knew you'd take some convincing, so we're going to go on a little drive to demonstrate just how versatile the humble tuk-tuk is.
You have the red one, I'll have the green one.
You're going to love this! MATT SIGHS Ah! A handlebar in a car.
Very clever.
So, they get the worst parts of a motorcycle and the worst parts of a car and welded them together and there you have the tuk-tuk.
All right.
This .
.
this should be awful.
I was going to take Matt on a tuk-tuk adventure, starting here in Kandy.
Along the way, we'd undertake a series of rigorous tests, culminating in an ascent of the fearsome Devil's Staircase.
But first, I was going to prove this is the ultimate car to handle the chaos of the city.
CAR HORNS BEEP Ha-ha! This is madness! CAR HORN BEEPS Great madness, though.
The tuk-tuk, then, named after its distinctive "tuk-tuk" noise.
Isn't it brilliant? BUS HORN BEEPS Ooh! Now, this is, of course, rear engine and rear-wheel drive, just like a Porsche 911.
Unlike a 911, even with tailwind, this'll do about 40mph.
But forget performance, because this is about brilliant simplicity.
Two cylinders, about 11hp from its four-stroke engine, weighs about 300kg.
So, it's economical and easy to fix, which is quite crucial around here.
It's just beautifully simple.
This is the automobile stripped back to its underpants.
Ooh! OK.
My first impressions of the tuk-tuk.
Well, you'll be surprised to hear that it's actually .
.
really slow.
And noisy.
TYRES SCREECH It Whoa! It handles Almost tipped over, there.
It's amazing that something this slow can feel this dangerous.
Are you kidding me with these things?! Honestly, can you think of anything you'd rather be driving, here, now? Literally anything else! - Oh, come on! - Anything! HORN BEEPS Why is this guy beeping at me? HORNS BEEPING - Ah, shut up.
- I've got a solution, OK? I know someone that can make these things safer.
Safer? It's a deathtrap! Not for long, it wasn't.
THEY CHAN Oh, they've blessing.
Hindu tradition.
Round here, when you buy something that's significant to you, like a house or a car, this is what you do to guarantee its safe and prosperous future.
I like it.
I think it's cool.
Plus, we need all the help we can get out there in these things.
This negativity is not going to aid the blessing process.
I'm not being negative! I told you, I like it, I think it's cool.
Yeah! In a head-on collision, how does the lime juice help? CHANTING CONTINUES With our tuk-tuks now apparently safer than an armour-plated Volvo, next, it was our turn.
Didn't know that was coming.
- Get him good, he needs a lot of help.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
And with the ceremony complete, it was time for Chris's next bold claim.
It's also a sports car.
- No, it isn't.
- It is.
- No, it isn't! It is, and I'm going to show you.
Because just down the road, at a local stadium, I'd arranged the perfect demonstration.
Allow me to introduce you to the sport of tuk-tuk polo.
DRAMATIC MUSIC This is Sri Lanka's answer to Rome's Colosseum.
This is the ancient - all right, not that ancient - gladiatorial sport of tuk-tuk polo.
Two teams doing battle for the right to be crowned champion.
Each chariot bravely manned by one fearless driver and one bloodthirsty hitter.
CROWD CHEERING OK, so we need to decide who drives and who does the hitting.
OK, I'll drive.
You're closer to the ground, you're better suited for whacking.
No, I'm a racing driver, I drive.
And you told me you played ice hockey.
- You know what, I know how we can solve this.
- Go on, then.
- Oh, that's democratic, isn't it? - Yeah, it is.
I'm driving.
With three tuk-tuks to a team, played over two chukkas - that's halves to you and me - we were almost ready to go to war.
OK, what's our strategy? Huh? We need to own the inside of the field, lock it down before the first chukka, OK? What on Earth are you talking about? How do you know so much about polo? Look, I know a little bit about a lot of things.
- I was just planning on whacking it as hard as I can.
- Good plan.
Ready? ENGINE STARTS As I'll ever be.
In charge of the action, known locally as the Emperor, was referee and, strangely enough, coach of today's opposition, Geoffrey Dodds.
OK, I want this to be a fair and proper chukka.
So, with the crowd at fever pitch, it was time.
HE BLOWS WHISTLE Go! We got it, we got it, got it, got it! Left-hand side, left-hand side! MEN GRUNTING With the game up and running Turn it, turn it! .
.
we quickly realised we did have a few issues.
This is just going to end up in a massive - CRASHING - .
.
pile-up! I've broken my mallet! What with Chris's relentless directions Keep going, keep going, going, going, going! Go, go, go! Stop, stop, go! .
.
the much more experienced opposition - No! - No! - No! THEY GROAN Oh! Oh, this is terrible! .
.
the fact that it's really hard to hit the damn ball You just run over the ball, man.
Ow! .
.
and that when you do, the ref is so biased Ridiculous driving.
That's a bogus call if I ever heard one! .
.
he'll do whatever it takes to make sure you lose Hey, no, no, no! Hey! You're there! Hey! Two-for-one at Specsavers, ref! .
.
yeah, it's fair to say we were gettinghammered.
But as the game went into injury time .
.
we saw our chance and "tuk" it.
- That's what I'm talking about! - That's settled that! Woohoo! CROWD CHEERING - Well, I'm glad we got one.
- We did get one.
Well, I think that was a very good first game.
What did you think of Chris's work with the mallet? I-I think it was good.
What did you think of Matt's driving? Um It could be better.
You're only saying that because I called you out on your unfairness.
Come on.
Put you in position to score I don't know how many times.
That's all I'm saying.
That's all I'm going to say.
I don't know how many times.
Six times, I do know how many.
ALL LAUGHING It's not the winning, though, it's the tuk-tuk that counts.
And with its sporting credentials proven, the next morning, it was time to leave the city behind and go rural.
Maybe, just maybe, we'll see some elephants! Did you know that Sri Lanka produces nearly 90% of the world's cinnamon?! I love cinnamon! Bit of cinnamon in shepherd's pie absolutely transforms it.
Remember that.
But we weren't here for cinnamon - WHISTLING: Here, elephant! - .
.
or elephants.
We were here for tea.
Lots of tea.
We were heading into Sri Lanka's famous plantations, and my next challenge.
OK, time to show you the tuk-tuk's next party trick.
- Haulage.
- What? The tuk-tuk is the ultimate vehicle for moving - stuff from A to B.
- MATT GROANS To demonstrate, we're going to have a race.
That, there, is a pick-up truck, and those gentlemen are going - to load 25 bags of tea into that pick-up.
- Uh-huh.
And we're going to load 25 bags of tea into the tuk-tuk here.
Then it's a race to the bottom of the hill, to the tea factory.
First one there is the winner.
- OK, so we're going to fit all that tea - Yeah.
- .
.
in here? - Yeah, simple.
It's like a TARDIS, you know we can do that.
No problems at all.
OK, fine, I'm driving.
You know, for a tuk-tuk sceptic, you're surprisingly keen to keep driving it.
- I think you might be rather liking it now.
- Are we doing this? Absolutely.
Three, two, one, go! Roof first, surely the roof first? Never going to fit.
- They're never going to all fit.
- Yes, they will! Oh! - Oh, God, they're done, they're done! - Push it! I want it known now, on the record, that if we lose this, it was your loading skills that cost us, not the tuk-tuk, OK? But while Chris was busy moaning ENGINE REVS .
.
the pick-up was building a lead.
- It's got to go diagonally over - It IS going diagonally over! A little lower, a little lower.
What do you mean, "a little lower"? No! And with a lot of ground to make up, finally, we got going.
ENGINE ZOOMING - I think we're losing some tea.
- Oh! - There goes one.
It's amazing, it feels unstable but it doesn't want to go over, does it? I don't know, it feels like it wants to go over, yeah.
- Where? - Everywhere.
BOTH LAUGHING: Whoa! - Did you hear what that guy said?! - What did he say?! He said, "Oooh!" We're just not going fast enough, we need a short cut.
And that's the beauty of the tuk-tuk.
Even fully loaded, it will go places a pick-up can't.
I'll keep my eyes peeled.
I'm not seeing many at the moment.
- Oh, this is the way.
- Why do you know that?! - I told you, I know a little bit about a lot of things.
- Whoa, whoa.
- It's good.
Get the power on, get the power on! - I got the power.
Power's good, power's your friend! - Right here.
- Definitely right.
- Has to be a right here.
Let's go.
So while the pick-up had to stick to the winding roads, we took the direct route down the hill.
Now we are motoring! This is making time, this is definitely saving us time! - This way.
- Yeah, yeah.
And now let's get the wriggle on.
I told you, the tuk-tuk is the ultimate vehicle for carrying stuff from A to B! And thanks to my short cut Pick up! Ooh! .
.
we were still in this race.
- There he is! - There he is! Get out and get him, we can beat him to the turn! OK, here we go, here we go, here we go.
Come on, baby.
Come on! Hold left, hold left.
- Come on, Matthew, come on.
- We've got it.
Find the gear, man! Yeah.
- We've got it! - What did I tell you about the tuk-tuk? - He cannot get past.
- There's no way he'll pass us on this.
And here we are, that is a tea factory.
Stop down there.
Next to do the unloading thing.
Let's go.
We're in here, we're in here.
That's it.
Winner! Whoo! We got them.
Good job.
City car, tick.
Sports car, tick.
Load lugger, tick.
There's nothing this car can't do.
You're insane, do you know that? But I've got to hand it to you, and then more importantly, I've got to hand it to this thing, I thought for sure, with all that weight on there, we would have either flipped it over or smoked the clutch, but we didn't flip it over and we didn't smoke the clutch.
SoI'm in.
What's next? Oh! The Devil's Staircase.
I'm out.
Yes, the infamous Devil's Staircase lay in wait.
But even getting there would be a tall order.
The tuk-tuk's headlight is about as powerful as a .
.
Victorian candle.
And my windscreen wiper doesn't work.
So I really can't see anything, so this is as much about guesswork as anything else.
I can't see a thing.
- What's this here? - BLEEP - hairpin.
The tuk-tuk driver, at night in Sri Lanka, is at risk.
Matt, though, had other things on his mind.
Did you know there could be elephants here? We're driving right by them.
You know they purr to communicate, like cats? How cute is that? CAR HORN BLARES Will you concentrate on the road?! They're great swimmers, they can use their trunks as snorkels.
And they hear through their feet.
And did you know they're the only mammal - CAR HORN BLARES .
.
that can't jump? - God's sake! When are we going to see an elephant? Will you shut up about fobbing elephants?! What has he got against elephants? The next day, we reached it - the Devil's Staircase .
.
where my final challenge would be off-roading.
One of the most dangerous trails in Sri Lanka, the Devil's Staircase is a 14km hike over steep, uneven terrain.
A challenge even for a proper 4x4.
Conquering it would be ultimate proof of our tuk-tuk's versatility.
Look at this! Wow! Proper off-road vehicles.
Who needs a Land Rover Defender when you can have a tuk-tuk? I told you the tuk-tuk would make light work of this.
It's easy.
- CRUNCHING AND BANGING - Oh! BLEEP! Jesus! Right.
So this is clearly the Devil's Staircase.
And it was clearly no place for a tuk-tuk.
What the? Oh! Oh! This is insane.
Oh, my head.
Harris, I'm going to kill you! Think how it will feel once you've struggled through it.
BANGING Unbelievable.
Don't think he's very happy.
Go! Come on, little tuk-tuk.
Do not let me down, please.
Oh, dear.
That's harsh.
Right, this is I don't know how much more of this punishment this thing can take.
This is an absolute assault on the vehicle.
The gearbox, the engine, the driveshafts, the springs, such as they are, or were.
Ohh! I've got a whole list of new noises back here.
Brand-new stuff.
Yeah, so have I, not one of them is good.
But still, Chris led us further up the trail.
Jesus! People live up here! Hello.
No, I'm not for hire.
What on Earth? And while he was unwilling to give up, his tuk-tuk was starting to.
Oh, my God! And he's lost a gear.
I don't know that she's long for this world, this little tuk-tuk.
Quite hard to tell what's going on here, but I feel I've got a bit of a puncture or something at the back, something's not right.
I will not admit it to Matthew.
You've got a flat, you've got a flat.
Yeah, that's a flat tyre all right.
Now, normally, I would be mortified about having to change a tyre, but this is the tuk-tuk.
It's the easiest car in the world to work on, so watch this.
There you go.
There's the tyre.
See? Such a clever vehicle, doesn't even need a jack.
So I'll just tip it up and you shove that underneath? Yeah, I think that should do it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- OK.
Up you go.
Wait there, wait there.
Wait there.
A little bit more.
- No, Chris.
- That's it.
A little bit more.
- No.
You just wrecked my tuk-tuk.
You are such an idiot! HE STRAINS Do you mind if I just stand and watch this? - I can go back and get mine.
I know mine runs.
- Yours runs? - I'm sure of it.
- So you've destroyed mine, - but you can go back and get yours.
- No, no, no.
- No, you destroyed yours.
- No.
You destroyed this.
I said, "That's too far.
" You said, "What?" Are you accepting any part of responsibility for this? I'll take No.
I won't.
OK, fine.
WE pushed your car off a cliff in an attempt to jack it up.
But more importantly, had we killed the tuk-tuk? OK, how close are you going to stand to it when I start it? OK, go.
ENGINE ATTEMPTS TO TURN OVER Please, come on! Come on, little tuk-tuk.
ENGINE NEARLY CATCHES - Oh! - Yeah, yeah.
OK, give it a little rest.
That's enough.
Go! Come on, just catch.
One little spark ignite, please! Well, it wants to.
It wants to.
- Come on, baby.
- It so wants to start.
ENGINE STARTS AND REVS SMOOTHLY THEY LAUGH AND CHEER - ENGINE REVS SMOOTHLY - Yes! It's on fire.
I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.
MATT LAUGHS - Wow! Indestructible.
- It didn't even break the windshield.
ENGINE REVS I mean, it's not as pretty as it was before, but it looks Can you believe it? What have you got there? - Oh, look at that.
- Hello.
- Thank you.
- Where did he come from? - It's from the producers.
- Oh! "So you believe the tuk-tuk is the most versatile "car in the world, now prove it by driving to India.
" - India?! - Hmm.
Well, but isn't Sri Lanka an island? APPLAUSE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I still can't believe it started again.
I can't believe it.
All right, we'll pick that up later where things get a little drowny, sinky.
But now, it's time to put a Star in a Reasonably Fast Car.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the sofa, Professor Green.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Welcome, buddy.
- All right.
Thanks.
Good to see you.
All right.
Now, you, you're really into your driving, right? I do like driving, yeah.
Despite the fact that I live in Lewisham, and the most of my time is spent driving between Lewisham and Shoreditch, which means a maximum speed of about 17mph.
What was your first car? First car I had, I bought a Polo to pass my test in and got my missus at the time to teach me to drive.
That must have been good for the relationship? We are no longer together.
LAUGHTER But, yeah, no, I passed in that car.
But it was funny, the first day that I passed my test.
You give your provisional licence over and you get given a certificate to say that you've passed, which I left at home because I'm always losing things.
I got bloody pulled over by the police, didn't I? And you've got an old copper who is half all right, and then you've got the young copper who is a complete knob.
LAUGHTER And so he's trying to go I give him the story about, you know, "I've left the piece of paper at home.
My licence has been sent off.
"I only passed my test today.
" And he's like, "Yeah, but you're Professor Green.
"Is this all you're driving?" I wish he would have pulled me up a couple of months later - when I had my SLS and then, I'd be like, - "BLEEP - copper!" LAUGHTER And as far as Speaking about cars, what do you drive now? At the moment, I've got a G-Class, G wagon.
I did have a GTS.
And before that I had an SLS, which are both lovely, you're, like, quarter of a turn and you're around a corner, whereas a G wagon is a little bit more laborious.
And I've heard that you do you write music in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I come up with most of my ideas in the car, which my girlfriend hates because I just listen to the same instrumental over and over and over and she's there like, "Oh, my God!" You know what I mean.
It's as good as Japanese water torture for her.
But I love it.
And there's just me kind of, like, humming along, - coming up with ideas as I drive.
- Good for you.
- It makes me happy.
Nothing makes me happier than writing a good lyric.
All right, now.
How did it go training out there with Chris? I heard you were let's go with confident.
No, I wouldn't say confident.
I'm just not scared.
Yeah.
- I thought that was you.
- Fearless as opposed to fearful, which is I think what Chris probably was.
I'm not a good passenger anyway.
But, no.
You can't teach that kind of speed and he demonstrated it from the start.
Well, let's take a look.
I can't wait.
- Professor Green, welcome to the track.
- Yep.
You've not driven a mono gearbox since when? It's probably been about four years.
Well, at least you're not doing it with a load of cameras on you - and a TV audience? - No.
Or around a racetrack, where the time is actually important.
- Let's go.
Away and above is first.
- Yep.
- Let's give it a go.
What's the fastest you've been in a car? - About 170mph.
- 170?! - Where? - Can't tell you.
- On the public highway? - No.
Now we're going into this little turning here, which is quite tough and this is quite slippery here.
You'll feel that.
Ah! LAUGHTER - It was fun.
- It was going so well.
So when did you start riding around in cars? - I crashed a Mini Cooper when I was about 11.
I'm not sure - 11?! .
.
who owned the vehicle.
You're not sure you owned it?! Oh, that's quick.
That's quick.
- GLASS SHATTERS - That will be a landing light.
Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going! Good speed! This is the slippery bit.
This is the slippery bit.
How much speed can you carry without spinning? Left, left, left.
That's quite quick, we might be off there.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
It's slippery! You are fearless.
- So, you're going to go fast? - Mm-hm.
One thing I can't help people to do is to not be scared.
- And you are quite clearly not scared of going fast, are you? - Nah.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, clearly not scared.
You know, usuallyusually when there's those kinds of spins that many times, the people get - Nah.
- You're cool as a cucumber.
- You've just got to let it go.
Easily the liveliest training session I've ever been part of.
Lively, yeah, yeah.
He needs a good scare every now and then.
Yeah, it's good.
It makes you feel alive.
All right, now I've got to ask, on your neck.
Yeah.
What does it say? - It says "Lucky".
- Lucky? - Yeah.
Is there a story behind that? Well, there is.
I've got loads of like notes to self, like, "Care less".
I should probably get "Go to bed" written somewhere on me as well, that would be a useful piece of advice at certain points in the weekend.
But no, "Lucky" was just, like, you know, things are bad but they could be worse.
But, yeah, two weeks after I got the "Lucky" tattoo, I got stabbed in my neck.
- OK.
- So it depends on how you want to look at it.
Because not many people get poked in the neck and live because of all the mechanics.
The bottle went right past the carotid artery.
And if it had hit that, I would have bled out in four minutes.
When I came out of surgery, I said, "Oh, thanks for putting my tattoo back together.
" And the doctor laughed and he went, "No, thank you.
" And I went, "Why?" And he was like, "Cos I knew where everything was meant to go.
" LAUGHTER - So lucky you got it? - So, lucky again, yeah.
I was lucky to walk away from it.
And, yeah, the only people that have cut me since have been doctors and it's been professionally done.
That's more ideal, yeah.
Although, that that didn't turn out to well for me.
I had major operation complications but you don't want my medical history, this is a car show.
LAUGHTER Yeah.
- Where you in like a bad car crash? - No, I wasn't.
Some dickhead DHL driver I was having - LAUGHTER - I was having two cars dropped off.
It was the DHL driver, he'd been outside my house for about ten minutes and the reason why cars were being dropped off was because me and a bunch of people were going to do a gig.
The guy's been sat there for ten minutes with his foot on the brake.
But the cars have got Eco, so the engine's off.
So I come out, I go, "Mate, how long until the second car gets here?" He says, "Oh, only a couple of minutes, mate.
"By the time I've done the paperwork, "the other car will be here," and he kind of gestures to the paperwork on the other seat.
I said, "Sweet, I'm going to run back in the house "and grab everyone.
So I've started to walk, like, diagonally in front of the car, back to the pavement.
A big VA bi-turbo.
I've just heard "Brrmmm-phhfff!" What he's done is, as he's lent over to get the paperwork, he's taken his foot off the brake.
He's panicked, hearing the engine start, and instead of slamming his foot on the brake, he slammed it on the accelerator.
Hit me Yeah, I am proper lucky.
Hit me in the back.
I managed to twist, I think this comes from my skating days and learning how to fall over.
He hit me in the back, my first reaction was, "Get your hands on the bonnet," and I lifted myself up.
And I managed to get everything, apart from my left leg out of the way before he squashed me between his car and the back of my SLS.
My lovely SLS.
He come out, like, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
" And the worst thing was I was in shock up until that point because when he said sorry, and I saw he was crying.
- I went, "What the - BLEEP - are YOU crying for?" LAUGHTER And then all of a sudden the pain set in.
And then I got gas and air from First Response and the bloody ambulance crew asked me for a picture.
I'm LAUGHTER My leg looks like that.
I'm on gas and air, so I'm off my nut, ain't I? So I'm like, "Yeah, of course you can have a picture.
" So there's a selfie online of me with, like, First Response in the ambulance, like that, on the gas and air.
LAUGHTER All right, shall we take a look at your lap, what do you think? Come on, then.
How did it go on your own, how do you feel? Do you know what? It got better.
But do you know what? I'm not going to make any excuses.
All right! LAUGHTER Did you hear that? Let's take a look.
Professor Green, off the line.
I wish I had my nan in the car with me now.
She'd absolutely love this.
I'm sure she would.
Braking hard into the second corner.
Look at that, he's pretty aggressive on the throttle, using the full width of the circuit.
How the hell am I meant to be a pro athlete, like Chris Hoy, who's got nerves of steel and also motor racing experience? Get your excuses out early, son.
I think this is a bloody set-up.
Again, very, very hard braking into Hammerhead.
The direction change is good.
Let the car run wide, let the car run wide.
Looks like he's snagged third a bit early.
Here we go, now we can floor it again.
This back straight shorter than you think.
Why am I in third? I can get up to fourth here.
Here we go, any brake lights? Any brake lights? None.
So that was good without a lift.
- Here we go.
- Second to last, we had a bit of grass here, didn't we? Now, over the last corner, Gambon.
- Oh! - Woohoo! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Style points right there.
That was some style points at the end.
I'd love to say it was intentional, but it definitely wasn't, yeah.
Yeah, OK.
So, who do you want to beat? Shazia Mirza.
LAUGHTER - No, Tinie Tempah.
- You want to beat Tinie? - I want to beat Tinie.
Well, I thought it looked pretty quick.
It was definitely entertaining.
And it looked very confident.
OK, here we go.
Professor Green, you did it one minute .
.
40 - .
.
sixflat.
- OK.
That's respectable.
APPLAUSE With similar conditions, I'll take that.
I'll take that.
That was fantastic.
Congratulations.
- I mean, in those conditions, that's - It's all right.
Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Green! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK.
Now it's time to head back to Sri Lanka, where Chris's tuk-tuk had somehow survived falling off a mountain and we had been told to head to a crossing called Adam's Bridge.
Our challenge - to drive to India.
The thing is, Adam's Bridge, the 18-mile causeway that would get us to India, was some distance away.
In fact, we needed to head 250 miles up island to Sri Lanka's remote north-western coast.
I feel pretty sure that I'd have read about a bridge that connected Sri Lanka and India.
You know, you worry too much.
We drove to Adam's Bridge.
We drive across Adam's Bridge - thank you very much, Adam - and we're in India for lunch.
What's the big deal? But while I was upbeat about our marathon challenge, Chris, for some reason, wasn't.
- Hey! - Look, what is the matter with you? We were on the road, buddy.
And that's because after Matt's hill-rolling antics, my tuk-tuk was no longer in the best shape.
Truth be told, it wasn't the right shape at all.
- How's it feeling? - It feels 98% broken, but it's still going.
It is shocking that it's still going.
No thanks to what you did to it.
I didn't do anything.
You pushed it off a cliff.
Who changed the tyre, close to the edge of a cliff? Just because I stopped in a bad place doesn't mean you have the right to throw my car off it.
At some point you have to accept some blame.
- I think what's happened is that you've become slightly moody.
- Moody? - Slightly.
- As I'm talking to you, I'm getting lower - because the seat is moving, can you see that? - It looks kind of wobbly.
Anyhow, it's still running, which is testament to the brilliance of the tuk-tuk.
And thanks to that brilliance, we were well on our way to our destination.
Until that is, Matt brought us to another abrupt halt.
Pull over, pull over, pull over! - Shut off your engine, shut off your engine.
- Why? - Shut off your engine.
Look.
I can't believe it.
TUKTUK CREAKS Shh! WHISPERS: They'll hear you.
Hey! MOUTHS: Big ears.
I hate to break this to you but I don't think they're coming, Matt.
Why not? This is an elephant crossing, look.
Hopefully it's one like on the sign there, a mother and a baby.
Maybe it's two elephants the same size with one further away.
Yeah, that could be true.
- But they're not coming, Matt.
- Shh! - I want to see an elephant! - I know you do, but I can't help you because I cannot magic an elephant out of what is largely a beach area.
Why would there be an elephant crossing sign - if elephants do not cross here? - I don't know.
I can't help you, I'm really sad for you but we've got to get going.
Come on.
I'm very disappointed.
With no sign of Dumbo or Nelly, Matt reluctantly agreed to get back on the road.
I'm sorry about your elephant.
I want you to see an elephant.
But we are here to drive I don't think he's very happy.
But, then, neither was my tuk-tuk.
And limping on after Matt .
.
it was three long, painful hours Oh! .
.
before we finally reached Mannar There's an elephant crossing, there.
That's a cow.
.
.
the starting point of our bridge to India.
It's absolutely ruined.
The chassis flex is so bad that I no longer need to use the handlebars to steer, I can just lift one up and the other side up, and it changes direction.
I've seen some rough cars in my day and that's amongst the roughest.
- We must be getting close, right? - We are really nearly there.
We're going to get to the bridge for certain - whether we get across it, that's another question.
At last! We had reached the coast - Yeah! - This looks a bit bridge-like.
.
.
where we soon discovered that Adam's Bridge wasn't quite what we'd anticipated.
This is Adam's Bridge? So what are we supposed to do, swim to India? We were.
Thought to have once connected Sri Lanka to India by land, Adam's Bridge is now a chain of tiny semi submerged islands, stretching out to sea.
So if our tuk-tuks were going to reach India, then, yes, they would have to learn to swim.
Combing the boat yards of Mannar for anything to keep us afloat, the next morning we were ready for the voyage.
And while I had chosen the rigid dependability of old oil drums, Chris had raided the local beach club for two inflatable hot dogs.
I'm telling you, I just don't think that that's the right design.
How many oil tankers have you seen that are inflatable? How many big ships, cruise ships? None! Well, I also know a little bit about a lot of things, Matt.
And you're living in the past.
This is the future.
Matt's tuk-tuk looks like he's just strapped two North Korean missiles to the side of it and put an outboard on the back.
Whatever! At least missiles are easy to launch.
OK.
Now we start the motor.
That's what I'm talking about.
See? Easy.
In the future, on the other hand Right, here we go, then.
So, I will deploy my buoyancy aids.
That means lowering the winch and pumping at the same time.
HE GROANS WITH EFFOR Come on! - Genius design.
- Sure! Genius design.
Finally afloat, it was time to set sail.
India or bust! A floating tuk-tuk.
Who'd have thunk it? Huh? Tuk-tuks in the open sea.
- This is great! - I'm not really a seafaring type of person.
I don't like the ocean, I like swimming pools, cos there's nothing in a swimming pool that's going to bite you.
You know, I was born doing this.
My dad had boats, my stepdad had boats.
I'm from New England.
Everybody's got a boat there.
I can't get my posture quite right and what's really amazing is the front wheel actually acts as a front rudder, so you actually have to steer it with two things which is a total pain in the arse.
Slightly shaky start aside, though, the intrepid tuk-tuk was once again proving its versatility.
And following the trail of islands, our goal was the ninth, the border with India.
I think that's the first island.
I think you might be right.
This must be how Christopher Columbus felt.
Hey, Chris, here's island number two, homey.
As we left dry land even further behind us, though Right, heads-up - we've got some waves.
.
.
the ocean soon became a lot more oceany.
Whoa! Let's get a little separation.
We are going to feel waves over the barrel.
- Where's he going? - Whoa, whoa, don't go too far out to sea.
This feels so stable.
Stay close to the shore.
Where are you going? It's fine.
I don't know why I tried to help him, I really don't.
Soon enough, Chris and his hot dogs were in trouble.
Are you OK? That looks like it's sinking to me.
It's fine.
Your front mudguard is now underwater.
Yeah, I'm not sure this is fine, actually.
A lot of water coming in right now.
It doesn't look fine to me.
I think I'm OK.
- Not looking good! - What? - Can I have a lift, please? - What, you want to get in my boat? Do you think you can do it quite quickly? You've got my pants wet! With Chris forced to abandon ship, we were down to a single boat.
My boat, my design, oil drums.
I told him! What do you think happened? I think my inflatable sides caught against the jagged bodywork, which had become jagged because Because I pushed it off the cliff.
- Yeah.
- But I didn't mean to push it off the cliff.
- No, of course you didn't.
- It was an accident.
Yeah.
I'm very sad.
All right, so what do you think? Shall we give it a little blessing? Oh, it's got a blessing, let's get out of here, let's head to India.
I thought you said you knew a little bit about a lot of things but your boat sank.
Well, that obviously wasn't one of them, was it? But while Chris still mourned the loss of his tuk-tuk, we needed to get back on course.
I think we're meant to be going that way.
How did I become your driver? Island number nine was the goal.
And we had to reach it.
What's that one there - is that number five? - I think that's number four.
- Four?! - Yeah.
It's going to take us a while because I don't know if you've noticed, we're not going very fast.
We were now halfway, and with only a few hours of daylight left, there was still a long, long way to go.
- You know that saying, middle of nowhere? - Yeah.
- This is it.
We are literally in the middle of nowhere.
I cannot see another thing.
Alone in the endless ocean, the hours ticked by.
# Yo-ho-yo-ho A pirate's life for me.
Ha-haar! Ha-haar, me hearties! What would win in a fight, an elephant or a great white? In a fight, where? In shallow water? King Kong versus Godzilla? King Kong's a monkey.
Godzilla's a bloody dragon! Godzilla's not real! Top ten vegetables? Favourite vegetable, number one is broccoli.
My mother makes it in a little garlic and olive oil, it's nice.
Green beans, spinach.
You know what's funny? I can't remember a time we weren't on this thing.
But still, we sailed on.
I've done 40mph on a track in this thing.
I've been upside down on it.
And I'm now sailing it to India.
I was a sceptic at first.
But I've got to say, the mighty little tuk-tuk has definitely grown on me.
I've softened to it.
I was brought to Sri Lanka to be shown the versatility of the tuk-tuk.
You've brought me halfway around the world to see a tuk-tuk? To be shown why this quirky little three-wheeler is so much greater than the sum of its parts.
This is about brilliant simplicity.
I thought it ridiculous to call it a city car It's a death trap! .
.
a sports car No, it isn't.
.
.
to call it a delivery vehicle - It feels like it wants to go over.
- Where? - Everywhere.
.
.
to call it an off-roader Harris, I'm going to kill you! .
.
a jack-of-all-trades at best, I thought, but a master of none .
.
but .
.
it had its ups We got it! .
.
and its downs.
There's no denying the tuk-tuk is resilient.
CHEERING Yes! You know what, however our voyage ended, this humble little workhorse had more than proven its worth.
And with the sun almost set .
.
finally land.
- Here's nine! - Yes! You know what? I think we're going to make it.
Here we go.
OK, we are about to reach India .
.
in a tuk-tuk.
- India! - India.
LAUGHTER All right! Come on! We made it.
And we're going to get arrested.
We made it all the way.
How are you? This is India, yes? - This is India.
- This is India.
We did it.
High five.
We made it.
Are we under arrest? - No, no, you're not under arrest.
- Oh, good, that's great! - All right, do you know what's next? - What? Let's find this Adam guy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We made it! We made it! Even an ocean can't beat a tuk-tuk.
But hang on a minute.
How is that one here? Wasn't this at the bottom of the ocean? They're survivors, OK.
They sink, they rise again.
You see, all you need is a can-do attitude, and some help from the Sri Lankan Navy and the Indian Coastguard.
- I mean, look, she's a beaut! - Yup, yup.
You know, I was sceptical, but I am sold on the brilliance of the tuk-tuk.
I mean, it's not fast, it's not elegant.
It's notit's not a lot of things.
But most importantly, it is not a quitter.
You're right, it is the most versatile car on the planet, aside from my Ford pick-up truck.
All right.
That's it.
No, I love it, I do.
I love it, OK.
That's all we have time for tonight.
Thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next week.
Goodnight.