Top Gear (2002) s26e04 Episode Script

Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

Hello and welcome to Top Gear.
On tonight's show, Rory and I spend six hours in the Silverstone pits with Chris Harris.
They don't call it endurance racing for nothing.
But we start with this, the Dacia Sandero, the cheapest car in Britain.
It costs £6,000 and it is without a doubta car.
And the producers reckon that at that price the Sandero is impossible to beat.
But we disagree, because for six grand we think you can get something with so much more pedigree, presence, character.
That's right, so the producers gave us each £6,000 and said, "OK, prove it.
" MUSIC: Layla by Derek and the Dominos Ladies and gentlemen, I give you .
the 1988 Bentley Turbo R.
New, in today's money, £270,000.
Now, it's yours for just six grand.
And not to criticise it as a car, but you buy a Sandero, you're basically admitting that your life is over.
But you buy a Turbo R and you're buying into history.
with a 6.
75-litre Turbo V8, you are buying into the British establishment.
Mr Reid, wow.
Splendid choice.
Mr LeBlanc, splendid choice, also.
- I see you went Bentley.
- Yep.
And I see you've gone Roller.
Silver Shadow.
Back in 1975, this would have cost you the equivalent of £130,000.
Today, six grand.
- You know who used to drive these, right? - Who? John Lennon, George Best, Vidal Sassoon.
- All the greats.
- Yeah.
Well, I think we've chosen well.
CAR BLEEPS Yeah, excuse me.
Mr Harris on the other hand No, no, what are you doing? The Mercedes-Benz 600 SEL, the last of the truly over-engineered Mercs.
They spent over 1 billion on the R&D of this thing.
Where's the nobility? Where's the majesty? - Where's the heritage? - Heritage? You can't get more heritage than this.
They invented the first car.
In its day, this was the most powerful Mercedes-Benz - you could buy, OK? - How much was it new? £180,000 accounting for inflation.
I paid four grand for her.
That means I could have bought one of these and another half of one of these for the price of a Sandero.
Look at it.
It's actually more boring than a Sandero.
Boring? So what have you bought then? - A Bentley Turbo R.
- Mm.
- OK? This has been used for one of three things, Matthew.
I'd say either filming an adult movie, murder or people trafficking, possibly all three.
- Rory, you? - Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow.
Two words, wedding car.
Now that was a low blow.
CHRIS LAUGHS So to start settling a few scores we decided to head to the track.
Boring is just another way of saying consistently brilliant.
We all know that.
Because if you say a car has got personality, what you actually mean is it's probably going to break.
This was unquestionably the best car in the world in 1992.
Neither of those things were the best car in the world when they were made and they're not now.
This thing is as smooth as the day it rolled out of the factory.
It is mint, apart from the window wipers, which I cannot turn off at all.
They still go regardless of what position you put the switch in.
So what? Who cares? Look at that view.
The sweeping prow of the bonnet, the Spirit of Ecstasy standing proud.
Tell me that's not worth six grand.
I mean, this car is three decades old and everything still works.
The electric wing mirrors work, the electric seats work, the air conditioner works.
And it's got that faint turbo whistle which just lets you know you've got a little something special under there Hello, guvnor.
But just how special? Well, arriving at Dunsfold, the only sensible thing to do was line up for a top-speed drag race.
OK, you guys ready? I'm ready.
If we must.
Three, two, one, go.
What's he doing? I cheated, it's my only hope.
Come on, old girl.
That's one Rolls-Royce handled.
Bye-bye, Mr LeBlanc.
Look at that Merc go.
OK, that's utterly hopeless, that is utterly hopeless.
That's 100.
60, 62.
Yeah, by the end of the runway MATT LAUGHS - Yes, winner! - Act like we've been here for a while.
the result was, um, decisive.
I can't wait for this.
Can't wait for this.
- There you are.
- Hi.
- What happened to you? - I was a bit slow.
Yeah, what did you get? CHRIS LAUGHS 70? Are you serious? It's a safety feature, you can't go quicker than 70 in the UK.
- You'll never lose your licence.
- Do you smell that? - Yeah.
That's bull BLEEP.
That's what that is.
- I got 110.
- 135mph.
- Yeah.
You poke fun at my boring car and it's still smoking along, it was pulling as well.
- Definitely 155 with a bit more room.
- Yeah? What would you do with a bit more room? Now you know why the bride is always late to the wedding.
Thank you, appreciate it.
OK, "Congratulations on making it this far.
"Time to test how good your cars are at being cars.
"You will now compete in a series "of challenges against the Sandero" - Easy.
- ".
driven by the Stig.
" Ooh.
So, the producers wanted to pit our six grand bargains against Dacia's finest.
And clearly they meant business.
First up, it would be a run through the state of the art Top Gear real-world urban driving simulator thing.
Oh, look at this, they have really pushed the boat out.
All the bells and whistles.
You know, I don't understand 80% of what you say.
OK, when the light turns green, you go.
He's not I don't think he likes the car.
OK, he's got it.
Now, as a detailed recreation of a typical British town, the simulator comprises three distinct zones.
First, the roadworks.
I cannot believe that our cars will be slower than that, apart from Rory's, which I think will be slower than that.
Then the speed bump-strewn alleyways of the market square.
Have you noticed that it looks quite tight in a small hatchback.
What's it going to be like in a 17-foot long luxo-barge? And finally the slalom street of parked cars, topped with an unreasonably tight U-turn.
Are we going to get round there or not? No is the short answer.
Ooh, OK, 55 seconds.
- 55.
28 actually.
- Not bad.
- All right, who is first? - Me.
- I'm removing my jumper for extra lightness and speed.
- OK.
Such a sad man.
Yeah, don't worry.
Sorry, just wait there.
Are you on your phone? I'm on other cool features of my car.
The coolest is this.
Look at this.
When I engage reverse gear, two little poles come out of my rear wings just to show me the extremities of the car.
How amazing is that? That's what 1 billion of engineering gets you.
No-one asked you, wedding driver.
All right, come on, enough fooling around.
Window up.
Cor, that's narrow.
Ha-ha, stylish.
Oh, God, those bumps are quite high.
Don't want to hit anything here.
I think he picked up some debris there.
You know, technically, it is very good.
I just think it's completely lacking in panache.
Oh, that is a good word.
Now, those little poles will be quite handy so I don't hit anything behind me.
CAR ALARM WAILS Come on, Mercedes.
And he's done.
- Mygoodness.
- Was that necessary? Oh, it's got to be a winner.
- Not yet it wasn't.
- Go.
Time for a lesson.
In panache.
CHRIS LAUGHS All right, all right.
This car was never really designed for anything like this.
Oh, she's mean.
- It's magnificent.
- It does look good, but it is a car designed not to go around corners going round corners.
This is going to take a little while.
- And she died on me.
- I think we have an issue.
Is that broken? Now, I would never want to delight in someone else's misfortune, but, yes! Come on.
ENGINE REVS Come on, come on, come on.
- Oh, that's trouble, that's trouble.
- Whoa! I think we've blown something.
- There he goes.
- Yeah.
- There he goes.
Oh, look, it's a total lose.
There we go.
We find that massive coolant leaks always help with the braking performance of the Bentley.
Oh, yeah.
What a hopeless BLEEP box.
RORY LAUGHS You know what? CAR ALARM WAILS Oh, there we go, the final insult! Just move from one finger to two fingers That, my friend, is panache.
CAR BLEEPS And with most of the Bentley's panache now soaking into the tarmac .
there was still the small matter of the Rolls.
Oh, he's off.
Launch her into the first right-hander.
OK, what kind of turning does she have? Yeah, look at him go.
She is a boat.
Get wide, get wide.
OK, sorry.
OK, this bit is important, this bit is important.
Reverse gear.
Drive, drive, drive, drive.
Come on! Come on! That felt good.
That felt good.
It's quite tough, isn't it? - What is it? - It's a music thing.
Oh, it's a little xylophone.
- Here, did you pay for that? - A bonus prize.
MATT AND RORY LAUGH So after three eventful runs through the simulator thing, it was time to find out the results.
OK, now, the Sandero, if you remember, did it in 55.
In third place, the Bentley Turbo R driven by yours truly with 01:35.
All right, second place The Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow, one minute, eight seconds.
Not bad.
First place, Mercedes 600 SEL, 57 seconds.
Not bad.
- Slower than the? - Sandero.
- Slower than the Sandero.
- Really? Yeah, yeah, by two seconds.
Bad start for our luxury bargains then.
And the producers weren't done yet, because next to test whether they drive as straight and true as their new car rival, they wanted another drag race, a no-hands drag race.
Some ideas just sound bad from the outset, don't they? The no-hands drag race must sit at the top of the list of bad ideas.
Hey, Rory, how are you feeling about yourself over there? I'm feeling good, the Rolls-Royce was built for comfort.
This is going to be the most comfortable crash in history.
So, here we go, then.
MUSIC: Misirlou by Dick Dale & His Del-Tones Oh, boy! Oh, no, I'm heading straight for Matt! Aaah! Oh, BLEEP! It's tracking left, it's tracking left.
Tyre wall! This doesn't look good, I'm heading on the grass.
This is not great.
Chris has lost control! TYRES SCREECH That was quite close.
Jeez! Well, that was close! What's Rory doing? Oh, what a great off-roader! Unfortunately, though, that wasn't the test, and by simply driving in a straight line, the Sandero chalked up yet another win.
That was total insanity.
So what we've determined is that all three of our cars basically do not steer correctly.
Still, we'd escaped relatively unscathed, and there was still one challenge left to prove our cars' worth.
That guy gets around, huh? Stay safe.
"Time for a pursuit race.
"You will now attempt to catch the Sandero on a single lap "of the Top Gear track.
"For every horsepower your cars have more than the Sandero, "you will start a metre further back.
"So first it's time to find out how much horsepower "your cars actually have.
" - Which means - Dyno run.
A dynamometer run.
- Bring it.
- Bring it? That's what I said.
If only you could put those wipers on the dyno.
- Do they ever shut off? - That's character.
It certainly is.
- Really, how much horsepower do you think that still has? - 189.
- You think that has 189? - All day long.
You'd have 190 if you could get those wipers off.
He couldn't.
On the rolling road, the Rolls produced a paltry 161.
9 horsepower.
The Bentley conjured a slightly more respectable 262.
1 horsepower.
And the Mercedes frankly embarrassed them both with near enough 380.
However, what that all meant was Rory would start just 87 metres behind the Sandero, Matt another 100 metres behind him, while the Merc and I had it all to do with a massive 305 metres to make up.
All right.
I guess this is Germany versus Britain versusRomania.
Time, then, for one last shot at the Sandero.
CLAXON HONKS TYRES SCREECH Come on, baby, let's go! No, no.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS No, no, no, come on! Matt's got a problem, he's not moving.
Oh, oh, no! Oh! The Bentley had given up the fight immediately.
Ah It would be down to just the two of us Come on, Mr Mercedes! .
to try to defeat the Sandero.
All right, braking in, coming in hard! RATTLING What is that horrible noise? But approaching Chicago, Rory's Rolls was clearly utterly useless.
I'll tell you what, the Stig's quick in that thing! Where's Chris? Where's Chris? Ah, he's on my tail! Come on, Merc! So, once again, it was up to the Merc to take the initiative.
No! That is not the racetrack, that is cheating.
I'm cheating.
Where the hell is Matt?! CAR ALARM BEEPS BLEEP! With just three corners to go Come on! .
it was now just a two-horse race.
Harris is on the Stig.
Stiggy's holding on! Let's catch him, let's catch him, let's catch him.
I'm not going to catch him, I can't catch him, he's got too much grip! HE COUGHS Sadly, in what was very much the theme of the day Chris, please tell me you won that.
No, I didn't - I didn't! It's too grippy, that thing.
it was yet another win for the Sandero.
Shall we go and help him? - He's a very proud man.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he likes to push his Bentley on his own, OK? - Yeah.
- Come on.
- If nothing else, it's good exercise.
- It is, yeah.
Put your back into it, Matt! That's great work.
Great work.
Come join us.
Why HE BREATHES HEAVILY Why did you have to park all the way down here? Huh? What am I, an asshole? That's not the lightweight version of that, I don't know if you guys are aware of that.
- I thought it was the R.
- That's the lead one.
- It's not really a standard bearer for British engineering, is it, right now? - No.
- It's not flying the flag, is it? - It's not.
Hey, how are you? Thank you.
Careful, mind the Bentley.
- Yeah, you might break it.
- Yeah! "You will now drive 100 miles" Are you kidding me?! Come on! Oh-ho-ho! ".
to Silverstone, where you and your cars will take part "in a six-hour endurance race tomorrow.
"Don't be late!" - OK, who's got the rope? You got rope? - Right! Right! It's that way, right? HE GROANS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah.
It's a car and a work-out.
And we'll pick that up later in the show, but now it's time to put a star in our Reasonably Fast Car.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Matt Baker! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, hello, hello.
Oh, man! Oh, we are so excited to have you down here, because, Matt Baker, unlike Chris Harris, you appreciate the finer things in life.
Your heavy plant equipment - JCBs, diggers, dozers, - excavators, you like it all, right? - Oh Sorry, could you do that again? Digger, dozer, excavator.
Am I right or am I wrong? Absolutely bang-on, yeah, anything that can't go over 30mph is my kind of territory, to be honest with you.
But, yeah, it all stems from growing up on a farm, really, and having the most incredible playground to play in, and I can't remember the first time I kind of got behind a wheel, because, you know, I was so young.
I was only Yeah, there's a picture of me There you go! Goodness me, on a Fordson Major there, beautiful tractor.
And the thing is, we had a neighbour who lived at the end of our farm track, sadly he's no longer with us, but this man was the most generous guy, and he had the most magical collection of all this vintage farm machinery, and he taught me how to drive when I was really, really young.
And so every night after school, or, you know, on weekends and this, that and the other, Malcolm was over with the next bit of kit, and it was just magical.
And, like I say, the freedom that you have on a farm when you're a young lad growing up, I had a quad, and I used - to take my dogs, and we would just - Awesome, awesome.
- Shall I just leave you two to it? - No, no Well, this is the thing, whenever we get together, we just talk about farming.
We do, we do, and you've driven pretty much every kind of vehicle there is to drive.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What about fast cars? Yeah, well, no, that's the thing, I've never really driven Like I said, anything that goes over 30mph, really, isn't my domain at all.
- And that's where we come in here at Top Gear.
- Yes! We invited you down earlier in the year, but things didn't go quite as planned, did they? Well, no, Chris, we went out for a drive on Well, what looked like a frosty morning, but it turned out to be an icy, icy, icy morning.
I think we've got a video of this, haven't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's take a look at your training lap - with Chris, the last time you were here.
- OK! This is great! Before we go, we don't expect too much of you, - it's very, very slippery, this is a sighting run.
- Yeah.
And I know that you enjoy living - and so do I.
LAUGHTER If it looks big, the size of a building or an aircraft, avoid it.
- OK! - Good.
Let's go.
This is treacherous here, try a bit of throttle now.
Whoa! - A bit more throttle.
- Whoo! Whoo! Beauty! Absolute unbelievable You don't get much warning, do you? Whoa! - Yes! - Stay in it, yes! Eat your heart out, Torvill and Dean! That is wicked.
Whoa! And still going.
Yes, yes! Whoo! No! Oh, yeah! That's a beauty, we might need a rescue.
LAUGHTER Thanks for having me back! Now, we have seen We have seen bad conditions before, but nothing like that, that was black ice everywhere, everywhere, so we couldn't let you do a timed lap in those conditions.
But we were determined not to waste the day, so what we did is we came up with a little game, - because, as I said, Matt Baker, unlike Chris Harris - Come on! .
appreciates the finer things in life, like digging holes, right? Sure enough.
You see, Chris, he does not appreciate the digging of a hole.
Not unless I have to.
If you have to dig a hole, that's work.
- If you're just digging a hole, that's fun! - Oh, man.
For me, JCBs were like the modern Xbox.
So when I, you know, if I wanted to play on something like that, I used to go out with a digger and dig holes You're basically the same person, but you just sound more Durham.
Yeah, yeah! We had a massive pile of road chippings at the end of our kind of farm road there, and so I was forever, you know, it was my pride and joy, our farm track, I wanted to try and get it as level as possible, any little potholes or anything like that, you know, it was my pride and joy.
It's like listening to yourself talk, isn't it? It really is - would you be quiet? So what we did, last time he was here, it was snowed out, so I hustled up some equipment, and we headed out for a good old-fashioned Texas-style dig-off.
- What is that? - Shh! OK, what we have here is a little challenge between myself and Mr Baker.
We have two identical JCB 3CXs, the quintessential backhoe, the ultimate little digger.
And we're going to have a little race.
All we need is a referee Hey, look who it is.
It's Chris Harris in his pyjamas.
What am I doing here? You're on whistling duties, OK? Deepest hole in ten minutes, no packing.
OK? - OK.
Matt, are you ready? - Yeah! Matt, are you ready? - Here we go! - Hang on! Chris, get out the way, I can't see you in that outfit.
- Oh, sorry, sorry.
- It's not the ideal outfit for snow.
- But are you ready? - I think so.
Three, two, one! HE BLOWS WHISTLE - Oh, that's a good bite right there.
- Come on, Matt! Lovely trowel action here by this Matt.
Let's not forget that Matt Baker came second on Strictly Come Dancing.
That kind of competitive attitude is so useful when it comes to a digging competition.
That is two trowelfuls compared to LeBlanc's one.
Look how happy LeBlanc is.
The trick here, I think, is to just be nice and smooth.
I think you're getting hung up on the aesthetic of digging.
- You're going for the perfect scoop, aren't you? - Yeah! What am I supposed to be doing? - Digging a hole really fast.
- Oh! Maybe I'll sneak one bucketload into his hole.
Oi, LeBlanc! LeBlanc, you can't Right, this is going to end badly, this is going to end badly! I tell you what, I'm not going to get Matt LeBlanc to do any ground work on our farm! One minute to go! Whoo! He's a good operator, that Matt Baker.
Come on! Four, three, two, one! Come on, come on, come on, come on! LeBlanc! MATT BAKER LAUGHS - Hey! - Oi, cheeky! - What? I can't hear you! - Stop! Now, how are we going to work out who has the deepest hole? OK, well, you need to be the measuring stick.
Why? Because.
First of all, Matthew, I want to compliment you on your hole.
- It's a lovely hole.
- That is a good hole, thank you.
- OK.
- Get in there.
LAUGHTER Get in, make sure you get in the deepest part.
I am in the deepest part.
- I can see the grass, so I'm at field height.
- Yeah.
- Therefore this hole is almost exactly as deep as me.
- So 5'2"? - Five feet? - 5'10".
- 4'11"? - Other Matthew, your hole - Yeah.
- It's another great looking hole.
- Thanks.
- It looks quite deep.
- Yeah.
- Will you help me out if I? - Absolutely.
- Oh, my God! - Yes! I can't see any of the field from here.
Which leads me to believe this is a deeper hole than that hole.
Are you standing up straight right now? You're such a child! Oh, brilliant! I enjoyed that.
- Well done, you got me! - Thanks, Matt.
You're pretty handy in a digger! BOTH LAUGH - Let's go and get a cold one.
- Yeah.
- Oi! - Actually, no, a cup of tea.
- Guys! All right, a cup of tea would be nice, yeah.
You got me, you got me! - That was fun! - That was awesome.
- You're good in one of those.
- Thank you! - Its not about the smoothness, I learned.
- No.
It's just about getting the dirt out of a hole.
- Can we just talk about cars now, please? - Oh, fine! - Now we've done the heavy plant? - Yeah, OK.
- It's a car show.
- All right, so we saw what happened in the ice and the snow - Yeah.
But today you came back, and the conditions were a lot better, - a lot better today.
- Miles better.
- Yeah, they were.
Dry, sunny, cold, so the car was making good power.
How did your timed lap go? Well, it was Do you know, I don't think I've ever felt as on the edge as I did going round that track, you know? A mate of mine said if you're not living on the edge, then you're taking up too much room, and I had that going round in my mind, and I thought, "Here we go.
" And what's weird is that, you know, with Blue Peter, I've done a lot of crazy things - or what would be perceived as, you know, being crazy things, hang-gliding world records and all sorts of stuff.
And because you're going into an environment that you think is going to be scary and weird, then you're kind of used to it, you can cope with it.
But when you're pushing yourself to what you think is, you know, the very limit, you know, the maximum, then it's a very weird feeling, and I've never felt that.
I found it, weirdly, quite emotional.
You are super competitive.
When he was going round today, I snuck out there just to poke my head in the window, "How's it going?" And he was like HE MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY I was like, "I don't understand any of that," but, yeah, fine! LAUGHTER - No, it was brilliant, it - It's fun, right? - It is fun.
- Really fun, let's take a look, let's take a look.
- Oh, man.
Come on.
Good amount of clutch off the line, aggressive.
Come on, come on, come on! OK, it's just fast ploughing.
Fast ploughing?! That's a pretty good line, not too wide.
Whoo, there she goes! Yeah, those shrieking noises are worth at least a tenth.
There's a bird on the top of the tyres - not for long! That's a good line, I reckon a bit of width there is good, carry some more speed.
A bit of dancing round there.
This braking point is critical.
Oh, the eyes! That was a "Have I outbraked myself?" eye moment! This looks good, this looks good and tidy, - did you go second or third there? - Second, now it's third there.
That's good.
Just late for work, that's all.
Follow through, that looks quick, that looks quick, now let's look at the tyre wall.
This is a tight squeeze through here.
Wow! I bet Chris Hoy had trouble with those wide thighs! Stay out wide, stay out wide.
Second to last.
That looks good to me.
Woohoo! And now Gambon, and over the line.
Oh That looked good! That looked really good, I think that was Right? - It looked smooth, and it looked quick.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah.
- Moment of truth.
Who do you want to beat? - Who do you want to beat? - Oh, man.
Well, I'd like to be above Ore Oduba, and I would like to be between Ore and Max, I think Max Whitlock.
I know Max really well, he's a good friend of mine.
I've commentated on him, you know, World and Olympic level with gymnastics, and I admire his competitiveness, so - So you definitely want to beat him.
- Well, no, I'm saying I admire the guy I'd be happy to be in that section there.
You'd be happier right at the top, wouldn't you? Wellcome on! Will you get on with it?! All right All right.
- OK, are you ready? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.
Matt Baker, you went around our track in one minute Good.
- .
30 - Are you kidding me?! Are you kidding me? .
Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, I beat Max, I can't believe I beat Max! Sorry, Max! Yeah! Thanks, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Baker! Brilliant, thank you, thank you very much! I've had a super time, boys, cheers! Now, earlier on, we set out to prove that instead of spending six grand on this, you should spend it on something with more panache.
And fair to say we had mixed results, but now, after a night making our cars race-ready, we had one last chance to redeem ourselves - a six-hour endurance race.
Silverstone, home of British motor racing and host to the Birkett Six Hour Relay, the UK's largest annual motor race, where no fewer than 70 teams fight it out on this legendary circuit.
Our six-grand heroes would be up against one of the most varied packs in motorsport.
So it's just as well I had come prepared.
Oh, yes! Roll cage, race seat - everything you don't need on track chucked out and binned.
This car was very, very heavy.
Now it's just very heavy.
But most importantly of all, I've got myself a fast paint job.
Because this is the livery of the legendary Red Pig.
You remember, the year was 1971, and the Red Pig was AMG's first ever race car.
People laughed at it back then, but it finished second in its first ever race, a 24-hour race at Spa.
And we're going to go one better today.
Rory, however, had gone another way entirely.
Check it out! This car was super sophisticated back in its day, but that day was 40 years ago, so I figured the Silver Shadow could use a 21st-century makeover.
I've got a big fat spoiler, I've flared the wheel arches so now there's space for my '20s.
I've got camo! This thing is super sophisticated, and I mean Pippa Middleton sophisticated.
Time to gentrify the hell out of Silverstone.
Oh, yes! Oh, no! Ha-ha! Have you seen this? Mate, this is a serious race meeting.
But at least I know I'm going to be quicker than one car here.
What are you talking about? That monstrosity! - What is it? - Well, listen, that's where you're wrong.
- I've been reading up on this race.
- OK.
And you, me and Matt, we're all in our each individual cars, but we're on the same team, one at a time.
- It's like a relay? - Yeah, absolutely, Team Top Gear.
AndI even took the liberty of making us some wristbands.
That is a lovely touch, lovely touch.
So, to be clear, I'm on a team with a car the Queen goes paintballing in, right, and a Bentley that doesn't exist? Yeah Where is Matt? I don't know, but it looked pretty terminal the last time I saw it, didn't it? We might be on a team of two.
Not so fast, gentlemen.
- No! - Yes! CHRIS AND RORY LAUGH - Yes! - Yes! - Look at that! - She's still alive! What modifications have you carried out to keep her alive? Oh, I have been up all night, I haven't had much sleep, but, uhnew block New block?! New block, new crank, new pistons, new con rods, new valves, new cams, new water pump, new oil pump - Basically new everything.
- New engine.
Yeah, yeah, but she's running good as new! Yeah, yeah.
What happened to your car? And what happened to your car? We'll get into that later.
- In the meantime, I made us Team Top Gear wristbands.
- No.
- We're on the same team.
- What do you mean? - What, same team? - It's a relay.
Like it or not, we were now team number 35.
And to decide our starting position, our first test was qualifying.
Come on, Rory, full quali mode! Holy cow! Come on, baby, come on, baby! Oh, she's big.
And with two thirds of our team having never actually driven around Silverstone before, thankfully at least one of us knew what he was doing.
Listen to that V12 just sing! ENGINES ROAR - Boys, boys! - Yeah, yeah, hey! - Qualifying times are in.
- Oh, great.
- Whoo.
- Where are we? - A very, very respectable 70th.
- Ah, oh.
- Yep.
- Out of how many cars? - 70.
Oh, that's - And that's based on qualifying times? - Yes.
- It wasn't my fault.
- Rory.
What are you talking about? My car was quick.
- OK, it wasn't quick.
- No, it wasn't at all.
We're going to make up for that.
We're talking about race strategy now, forget about the qualifying position, it doesn't matter, OK? This is a six-hour race.
So I think we have to set a realistic goal.
OK, so what are we aiming for? Not come last.
- OK.
- Yeah? Let's get our hands in here.
To not coming last, come on! Ow! Yes, to prove our six-grand heroes' worth, we would aim to gain one place in the next six hours.
And with the producers predicting even this was beyond us, they brought reinforcements.
The Sandero was back, and if all three of our cars failed, we'd be forced to use it.
So, determined not to let the Sandero show us up again, we decided to unleash our seasoned pro for the first stint.
Oh, the numbskulls at the front are trying to back us all up cos they think they're Lewis Hamilton.
This is the Birkett Six Hours, not the Monaco Grand Prix, you idiots! Yep, the competition were in for a treat.
And on the stroke of 11:43am, it was time to go racing! Right, here we go, Chris! Racing, racing, go, go, go, go! And straight away, Chris was on it.
Whoo! I love overtaking! OK, he's done the Mini.
- Oh - Beautiful, beautiful! Nice, that's three, that's three.
Thank you, Matthew, very helpful, very helpful.
I hate to say it, but if it was a team of Mercedes Red Pigs, I think we might be in with a shot here.
Just a few minutes into the race, Chris had already climbed 15 places.
Right, let's get these stragglers in front! And he was showing no signs of slowing down.
The next car in front of you is running one second quicker, one second quicker, that's all.
Oh, that little MR2 that was ahead of me, maybe I can catch him.
Honestly, at this rate, our endurance race was in the bag.
All right, this is important, we're looking at your telemetry here, and do you want the egg-fried rice or the Singapore noodles? I'd like some I'd like chilli chicken ramen, please.
I've got new prey.
All right, that's good, that's good, but how spicy do you want your thing? Oh, yeah.
For team number 35, things were going well.
Started off in 70th place, now we're up to 52nd place, not bad.
So I think the strategy now is to leave Chris out thereforever.
But as the laps piled on, there was one small flaw in our plan.
- I've got a lot of fuel starvation Whoa! - Whoa! The Mercedes' tank was running low, and the other teams could smell blood.
- Oh, I'm right in the middle of the - BLEEP - now.
You can do it, come on.
Don't let those guys by! Thank you, Matthew, thank you for your help(!) Soon enough, it was time to pit the Pig.
Pit this lap, pit this lap, all right? Chris finished his stint in an incredible 56th place.
But now it fell to me and the hastily rebuilt Bentley to keep our momentum going.
OK, we're up and away! Come on, baby, come on! She's running, she's alive! And straight away, Matt was making the most of his Bentley's newly-refurbished V8 turbo power.
I'm past the Volkswagen Beetle! Very good and smooth, my friend, good and smooth.
- Really? - Where are we doing No.
Where are we doing in the real side of the race? - 35th.
- 35th?! - Yeah.
- Are we? - Oh, is that cos of the pit stops? - Yeah.
- 53rd? - 59th, you doofus.
- Oh, so we're 35? That's our number.
I thought, "We haven't changed in ages!" What Rory had failed to grasp was that although the Bentley was pulling well enough on the straights, we were still losing ground.
Because in Matt's rush to get his engine fixed in time for the race .
he'd had no time to improve his brakes.
We're dropping like a stone here! The Bentley wasn't going to last.
It was time to get driver number three ready to race with a crash course in not crashing.
But on the Xbox, you know you've got the guidance arrows - that show you where to go - You can't You can't begin a sentence, "On the Xbox" You just can't.
- On the simulator that I've used - Simulator.
the guidance arrows show the line as being wide to narrow.
- That's inaccurate, is what you're saying.
- Yeah.
You want to get in there to that early curb, OK? - Have you raced at Silverstone before? - Only about 30 times.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Out on track, though, things were going from bad to worse.
- Jesus! - Oh! - That BLEEP spun me! - I'll tell you what, they don't play fair, do they? No, no.
No - no, they don't.
That son of a BLEEP hit me! I got your number, man, I got your number! If you want to get hit in a race, I suggest you drive around in a green Bentley with LeBlanc written on the side of it.
He's a bit of a moving target, isn't he?! The Bentley was taking a beating.
Picking up a bad vibration in right-handers.
And with failing brakes against a hostile field, something had to give.
I think I got a puncture, I got a puncture.
I need to come in now, I'm pitting right now, right now, right now.
Matt's Bentley had dropped us down to 62nd position, - and Harris wanted a word.
- Sorry? You broke it.
CHRIS LAUGHS We're not cheating, we're not looking! Don't worry! With that debrief concluded, as I set out for my first run in the Rolls, at least one thing was certain.
Brakes were the least of my problems.
OK, a number of things wrong with my car.
It's slow.
There's no grip.
None of the gauges work, so I don't know how much fuel I've got.
But I bet it looks good! It really didn't, but then neither did mine.
Oh, she's bleeding! And while the life ebbed out of the Bentley in the garage, out on track, it was the same story for our race.
Oh, give me a break! There's absolutely nothing I can do out here, they're all over me! Jesus! Watch out! What happened, did the Beetle spin in front of you? Yeah, there's a Beetle in front of me, the guy that spun and stopped on track has now overtaken me, that's how much pace I've got! Mate, you've just banged in a 3:15.
05 - good lap time.
It's times like these when I start to wonder whether I probably should have paid a little less attention to the looks of the car and maybe focused a tad, just a tad, on the performance.
Is that really your maximum acceleration?! Yes! And then, somehow, Rory got even slower.
Having a slight fuel problem now, I'm not sure what it is, but maybe somebody should stand by.
The Rolls was in trouble.
It's dying, it's dying! And after careful diagnosis, we came to realise the problem with Rory's fuel was he didn't have any.
Car is dead, repeat, car is dead.
So, well past the halfway point in our six-hour endurance race, and it's fair to say things weren't looking great.
One car was stranded at the side of the track, another was in pieces in the garage, and Team Top Gear were now sitting dead last.
But we did still have one very Red Pig.
Yeah, baby! No sliding.
Fast laps, not fun laps, fast laps.
Copy that, boss, copy that.
I need some information, I need to know who I'm aiming for, am I catching them, am I slower than them? What's going on? Chris was back in the zone, and the 69th place we were aiming for was being held by team number 47, a formidable band of Ford Fiestas known as the Raging Racers.
And Harris had them in his sights.
There he goes, there he goes! Outstanding, outstanding! While the Mercedes was keeping our race alive on track, back in the pits, the Bentley was looking terminal.
I think we got another problem, Matt.
What's wrong now? OK, so I think the heat generated from the wheel bearing has potentially damaged one of the calipers, so we've lost all the brake fluid in this corner.
- That could be a game-ender, do you think? - Mm.
Without brakes, the Bentley was going nowhere, and with Rory still urgently hurrying back to the pits Oh.
Of course, it was at this point that Chris decided things were going much too well.
Whoa! I just hit something quite hard.
Matt, come to the pit wall to come and look at the front of my car next time round, please? Here I come.
Yeah, you got one, your lower left driving light looks like it's tweaked a little, but there's nothing dangling, I think you're OK, nothing touching the ground, I think you're all right.
Just keep your foot in it, you'll be fine.
What a baby! Actually not - because just a few corners later, I discovered the valiant Mercedes had much bigger problems.
I've just had a minor technical difficulty.
My right rear wheel just fell off.
This was a blow.
The Red Pig was out of the running, and that meant Team Top Gear's race was now hanging by a single purple camo thread.
Here we go, baby, focus! Rory had fuelled up again but just didn't have the speed to defend our 69th place.
All right, I have absolutely no pace on the straights.
And back in the pits, there was nothing we could do to help him.
- What's the status on your car? - Dead.
- Dead? - Dead.
- Dead? When the wheel came off, it sheared the bolts on that spacer, which does look good but is rubbish.
And it's knackered the lower rear arm, the bolt's gone, not usable.
My car - dead.
So, basically, it's all up to Rory now, he's the only one left in the game.
Our potential success lies with Rory Reid.
Unfortunately, yes.
Damn it! She's gone again.
Car is dead, repeat, car is dead.
As the Rolls limped in, we slipped back down to 70th position, and with less than two hours to go to the chequered flag, Team Top Gear had ground to a halt.
What do you got, nothing? - Died on me on the straight.
- Died? Yeah, no power, engine off.
But our six-grand heroes had brought us so far, we couldn't just give up and go home.
We were here to race! Which meant we had just one choice left.
Reluctantly, it was time to break out the Sandero.
Come on! This car is so unbelievably slow and boring! Perhaps - but it was keeping us in the race.
All right, just nice and clean, just quick as you can go.
We're not last! We're not last! Hey, we're not last any more, we're not last any more! Yes, baby! So our fight with the Raging Racers wasn't over yet.
Because through their last round of pit stops, the Sandero had kept us lapping and clawed back 69th position.
But the Fiestas were now back on track.
He's four laps behind you right now but he is quicker, you need to be faster than that.
I cannot go any faster than this, I really can't.
At this rate, our race would end in failure at the wheel of the Sandero.
We needed a faster car - now.
You know what I was thinking? You got a fuelling issue, I got a brake issue.
My car's faster than yours, your brakes will fit my car.
Let's take the calipers off your car and put them on my car, and we can get the Bentley back out there.
- Team Top Gear.
- Team Top Gear, good job.
I knew you'd say yes.
To stand any chance of staying ahead, we needed the Bentley to give us one last run.
So while the engineers set about transplanting the brakes from the Rolls, with less than an hour to go to the chequered flag, Chris had to keep us in the fight.
- BLEEP - me! You're doing great, just keep it going, come on, a little bit longer, I'm almost ready! And with the Sandero hanging in for just a few more laps .
at last, we got the green light.
Come on, baby, come on, come on! 30 minutes to go - could the Bentley hold on? OK, the brakes are doing strange things.
Right, what's going on? - All right, Matt's out there, he's flying.
- Good, good.
- He's doing well.
- So are we going to stay ahead of that other car? - Well, they are two laps behind us.
- Only two? Only two, so right now it's all about reliability.
If he breaks down, if he has an off, we're in trouble.
As the minutes ticked down to the finish, every single team was pushing to complete as many laps as they could.
Jesus! The battered Bentley was suffering.
Wow, the brakes are just disappearing, bro.
And the gloves were off all over the field.
Oh! - That - BLEEP - hit me! You suck! Oh, my God! Matt, tell me how the car is feeling, mate.
OK, we got a massive vibration under braking.
Are you seeing this action under brakes?! Keep trucking, keep trucking.
Guys, what lap am I on?! You've got to do three laps, I repeat, three laps.
But did she have three laps left in her? Three more minutes, three and a half more minutes.
No brakes.
Chris to Matt, Chris to Matt, can you hear me, please? Our six-grand heroes had given everything.
Geez! But would it be enough? Come on, Matt! The brakes are so gone.
Come on, he has to do it, he has to do it.
Come on, baby, come on, come on.
Where is he? Where is he? - Come on! - Yes! There's chequered, there's chequered.
69th place was ours! THEY LAUGH CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! Mission accomplished.
That's right, that's right.
Second to last! Penultimate! We get to say we were penultimate.
And penultimate is a great word! Honestly, they keep trying to make Formula 1 more exciting.
Here's an idea, stick an old Bentley in the middle of the grid - boom, box office.
All right, all right, OK, so the cars, what have we actually learned from this? OK, that, technically, the Dacia Sandero is a better car than any of these, right? It's more practical, it's more reliable and - .
we'd rather have any of these, right? - Mm-mm, yeah.
Yeah, absolutely, like, for six grand, you get to drive a Rolls or a Bentley or a Merc .
when they're working.
Yeah, and even when they're not working, there is no more luxurious place to sit and wait for the tow truck.
LAUGHTER And on that heart-warming note, we must end the show.
Thank you so much for watching, we'll see you next week, goodnight!