Top Gear (2002) s26e05 Episode Script

Series 26, Episode 5

1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to Top Gear.
It is the last show of the series, kind of like the last day of school, do whatever the hell you want, which is why tonight, I got myself an Aston Martin, Rory's rolling in a Rolls-Royce and Chris Harris chose .
.
a Ford Fiesta.
LAUGHTER Yeah, he knows how to let his one hair down.
But first, there's a new V8 British sports car on sale, exciting times.
So I shut the baby gates at the top of the stairs to stop Chris from getting out and went to take a look.
It comes from Aston Martin, it replaces the old V8 Vantage, and it's called .
.
the V8 Vantage.
Imaginative.
This is the baby Aston, the cheapest Aston, but the trouble is, it's not especially baby or cheap any more.
You see, when the old V8 Vantage launched more than a decade ago, it was a 400 horsepower, £80,000 sports car.
It was up against this kind of stuff.
Good, solid sports cars.
But this new one costs £120,000.
The middleweight Brit has moved up a weight division.
And I hope it's been working out, because now, the Vantage is up against this kind of stuff.
Supercars.
Audi R8 V10, Porsche 911 Turbo, even a McLaren.
Those are heavyweights! So now with over 500 horsepower, does this V8 Vantage have the brawn to take on its new sparring partners? Yeah! Wow! 0-60, well under four seconds.
Pow! Top speed, 195.
That is tickety-boo, I mean, that is pukka, mate! Yeah, I've been learning some British.
So, the speed, not a problem.
But it's where that speed comes from that might be.
Because under that very British bonnet is a very German motor.
A turbo-charged V8, from Mercedes.
Huh.
When I came to this country, you know what I was promised? Thatched houses, men in top hats saying, "Hello, guvnor, "fog's as thick as pea soup today, no mistake," and Astons with British engines.
I don't know what to believe any more.
You know what? I don't care.
Because this motor rocks.
No-one makes better turbo motors than Mercedes right now.
If you steal someone's homework, make sure it's the smartest kid in the class.
It's noisy, it's responsive, it's lovely bubbly.
No, it's .
.
jubbly No Lovely jubbly.
That's it.
I fit right in.
I do, I really I fit right in.
So the Aston's German heart doesn't bother me at all.
But the way it looks .
.
that's another matter.
It's not an ugly car, but old Astons, they never looked like they were trying too hard.
This is like like it's too dressed up, you know? Like it's spent too much time looking in the mirror.
For starters, it's wearing guyliner.
And this power bulge here in the hood, that doesn't need to be there.
There's nothing for it to bulge over, that's like .
.
that's like stuffing socks down your pants.
That's not cool.
And here's another problem.
It reminds me of something.
OK.
Now, you see this? And you see this? Now, when I see this, all I can see is this.
I can't unsee this.
Now, don't get me wrong, I got nothing against catfish, but if I'm going to spend 120 grand on an Aston, I don't want to see this.
In fact, this might just be the first Aston ever that drives better than it looks.
Because there's a bunch more good stuff beneath the Aston's skin.
The suspension is double wishbone at the front, multi-link at the rear.
It's got a solid mounted rear subframe for better stiffness, and perfect 50-50 weight distribution.
So it gives you great control on the racetrack, but also, when you do this.
TYRES SCREECH Oh, yeah! Very stiff feeling, very subframe-y In the old days, you got the feeling Aston had 40 designers drawing pretty pictures and one poor guy trying to put them all together Oh, that is good stuff! .
.
but not any more.
This Vantage feels engineered.
Yeah! That is the cat's pyjamas.
So, what's not to like? Well, it's not the lightest sports car.
And this eight-speed auto? Meh.
I'd prefer to have a manual gearbox, which Aston says I can have, just not for another year.
That's like a restaurant saying, "Sure, you can have the lobster - "tomorrow night.
" But there is a bigger problem with the newly expensive V8 Vantage.
And it's that.
The Mercedes AMG GTS.
Because if you want a two-seat sports car with a Mercedes engine in the front, you could have one of those instead.
Basically the same engine, but £10,000 cheaper, and really good to drive.
Time for a little race.
Now, the Merc has a little more power, but the Aston has a little more torque.
This should be close.
Three, two, one.
Come on! Oh, he's getting away! That thing's quick! I mean, surely Merc are going to keep their best engines for themselves, right? You don't invite someone over for the weekend and let them sleep in the master bedroom, do you? Oh! He got me.
Now, some might say there is nothing more British than losing to a German.
Obviously I would never say that.
I would say there's more to buying a car than its ability to win a drag race.
So, which one should you buy? OK, I know the deal.
The Merc might be cheaper, and faster, and have its own engine.
But the one you want is the Aston, because it's an Aston, right? Wrong.
If you want a sports car with a Mercedes motor, buy a Mercedes.
I would.
Oh, yeah! HE CHUCKLES CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What's the problem? Matthew We've We've welcomed you into our country, we've tolerated the way that you wilfully mispronounce aluminium and Mazda, - and this, this is how you thank us.
- Yeah.
Look, I know there's two things you're not supposed to do in Britain - ask what the meat is in the meat pie, and criticise an Aston.
But compared to the Mercedes, it's slower, it's more expensive, - I think it's worse looking - It doesn't matter! You know the rules - you're in Britain, you have to say the Aston Martin is great.
Go on, say it.
Go on.
The Aston Martin is great.
- Good.
- But less great than the Mercedes.
What the Anyway, let's see how fast the new Aston Martin V8 Vantage goes around our test track.
Which means handing it over to .
.
The Stig.
Off the line, it looks like an Aston Martin, it's a Mercedes-Benz underneath.
Two-wheel drive, plenty of torque, nice hot day as well.
Bit of roll in that.
It's more of a road car than a track car, but still very, very capable, look at that, using all of the width of the circuit, braking hard into Chicago, tricky braking zone, this car wants to move right but you're taking it left.
That's a good exit, traction looks good.
It's got one of these electric differentials that gets quite hot when you try and slide the car around too much, so, he is using all the available grip.
Hammerhead.
Neat exit.
Oh, it looked like it was picking a skip over that bump there, didn't it? Down the back straight, casually flicking up through the gears, follow-through is fast, car remains flat there, a little bit of oversteer on the exit.
That's nice through the tyre wall, oh, bit of brake as well, Stig.
Braking hard now, second to last, the most difficult corner, finding the entry point.
Rubbing all the kerb on the inside, that was rude on the exit.
And now through Gambon.
Where do you think, then? - I think it looks like a Mah-zda.
- Mazda! - Whatever.
All right, the new Aston Martin V8 Vantage went around in 1 minute 19.
7.
That's there.
That's not bad, it's quicker than a Corvette, look.
Yeah, and a whole load slower than a Mercedes GTS.
Oh, deary me.
Rory? Now, we all know any new car comes with a whole bunch of big claims - the fastest, the cheapest, the most economical-est.
But this one tops the lot, because there's a new car out that its manufacturers claim is nothing less than the best car in the world.
Here it is, the new Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Six metres long, weighing in at 2.
5 tonnes, and costing £360,000, it is the biggest, the grandest of all the Rolls-Royces.
This pinnacle of British luxury is extraordinary.
And also, NOT the best car in the world.
If you're going to claim to have the best car in the world, it's got to beat everything that's put in front of it, at everything.
And quite clearly, the Phantom is more difficult to park than, say, a Smart Fortwo or a Toyota Aygo.
Because it's enormous! I mean, come on, Rolls-Royce, think about it.
Even though the Phantom is longer than Luxembourg, this thing only has four seats.
OK, so they're four very lovely seats with a massaging function and elevated footrests, but still, the Seat Alhambra, that's got seven seats.
Last time I checked, seven was more than four.
The truth is, there are many cars out there that are better than the Phantom in all sorts of ways.
But there is one thing that the Rolls has absolutely sewn up.
Making a statement, drawing a crowd.
Because while once upon a time, Rolls-Royces stood for dignified, understated elegance, let's face it, those days are long gone.
That's not how Rolls rolls nowadays - oh, no.
This car is about self-confidence, letting people know you've arrived.
It's about swagger.
This is Rolls-Royce's world now.
Less monogrammed tweed .
.
more Instagram feed.
And in this world, the Phantom is king.
You see, supercars, I mean, they're all right and everything, but if you really want to show off, they're just a bit minimal, they're all tightly packaged for serious performance.
The Phantom, though, is anything but minimal.
Because for screaming out, "Get the champagne on ice, "I've just signed a fat record deal," the Phantom might just be the best car in the world.
But when you're done with all that shouting .
.
and you want a bit of peace, the old Rolls ways are still there.
This might be the loudest, most big statement car in the world, but it's also the quietest.
According to Rolls, this is the quietest car ever made.
There is no car that keeps you as insulated, as isolated from the grimy outside world as this one.
There's over 130kg of sound deadening on board.
In fact, to make the outside world as distant as possible, even the tyres have been insulated.
Yup, they've decided even air is too noisy, so they've filled the tyres with foam instead.
It's so quiet! I mean, cruising along right now, the loudest thing inside this car is .
.
my jacket.
And of course, if you can't hear what's going on out there, that means out there can't hear what's going on in here.
LOUD GRIME MUSIC PLAYS COWS MOO LOUD GRIME MUSIC PLAYS COWS MOO Ha-ha, such a banger! And it doesn't end there.
The Phantom is packed with engineering to make life on board as pulse lowering as possible.
There's an all-new aluminium skeleton that's stiffer than in any previous Phantom, so there are no creaks or rattles.
Rolls says it's 30% stiffer than the old one, which wasn't exactly floppy.
There is a self-levelling suspension that scans the road ahead for bumps and adjusts itself in preparation, while the automatic gearbox talks to the sat nav to see if there is a corner coming up and whether it needs to change down in advance.
If you're going to build the best car in the world, this is the level of engineering it takes.
And it has to be said, the good people at Rolls are a bit smug about it.
Because this car is actually a little bit in love with itself.
In fact, it's not even a car.
No, no, no, it's "a creation of great beauty and power, "a dominant symbol of wealth and human achievement.
"It's an icon and an artwork.
" Nah, I'm pretty sure it's a car.
And then there's this.
You and I might refer to this as a dashboard.
But not Rolls-Royce.
Oh, no.
See, this is apparently a brand-new concept called the gallery.
Apparently many Phantom buyers are patrons of the arts, and they have substantial private collections.
And Rolls reckons you should commission your favourite artist to create a miniature of your favourite piece and stick it in there and then take it with you everywhere you go.
But I mean, what's wrong with just taking your favourite picture and whacking it up against the windscreen like a normal .
.
like normal .
.
normal people? Mint.
So, the Phantom might be a bit pleased with itself, but then, it has a lot to be pleased about.
Gallery aside, the cabin is a marvel, a symphony of fine leather, glossy wood and cut glass.
It is truly exquisite.
As is the engine, a 563 horsepower twin turbo V12.
0-60 takes just over five seconds.
Top speed, well, that's limited to 155mph.
There's even a four-wheel steer, which helps the Phantom corner more precisely - look at that! But rest assured, it still works like a Rolls-Royce should.
It's like driving along on a cloud.
The suspension is so soft, you notice none of the imperfections in the road.
The steering is so light, it feels like the car's taking you where it wants to go.
And then you put your foot down, and that power, it just surges you along.
It is a truly wonderful driving experience.
There is no other car like this.
I love it.
So, there you go - the new Rolls-Royce Phantom.
A magnificently crafted, beautifully engineered, truly special feat of utter, unashamed excess.
But that's the point, isn't it? The 0.
001%.
They don't buy a massive country house because they need that 24th bedroom.
No, they buy it because they want to make a statement.
And if you want to make a statement, then the Phantom really is the best car in the world.
I brought your car back! APPLAUSE And I mean, just look at it.
What is not to love about this car? Here's one thing.
What is the price of this particular Phantom, with all its extras? £405,000.
LAUGHTER But I've thought about this, OK? And people are living longer nowadays.
If I can just live until I'm 135 years old, OK, that works out to be about three grand a year, OK? About the same as you'd pay to finance a Vauxhall Corsa.
I could have a Rolls-Royce Phantom for Vauxhall Corsa money.
LAUGHTER I don't even know where to begin with that! What are you? Look, you're mad, OK.
- Old Rolls-Royces, they were always beautiful, right? - Yeah.
OK, sometimes they got close to being over-the-top, but they always pulled it back just enough to betasteful.
This thing, the bling-ometer is off the scale! Yeah, and what's wrong with that? That's who this car is aimed at nowadays.
Rappers, reality TV stars, men like Ben Baller, Lisa Vanderpump.
I don't know who they are.
Who are they? Well, no-one does, but that's who this car is aimed at.
Mate, it looks like the departures lounge at Dubai Airport.
No, it's brilliant.
I've given up on you.
OK, now, we're nearly at the end of the series, but we had a bunch of people saying, "Thanks for all the supercar reviews, "but what about telling us which normal cars to buy?" Well, you asked for it.
OK, car buying advice for every budget, in every category, as quickly as possible.
Here we go.
OK, let's start with the city cars, the small cars, OK? The Hyundai i10.
Now, Hyundai are making some great cars at the moment.
Sadly, this is not one of them.
This is the Renault Twingo - engine in the back for some reason, the most annoying traction control ever fitted to a road car, and this one's in a sort of light shade of gonorrhoea.
This is the Toyota Aygo, built to a cost.
That's why it feels so terribly cheap and horrible.
And this is the one you should buy - the Volkswagen Up.
Cheap, and you get a VW badge, and it's quite a good car.
Moving on.
Superminis.
So these are slightly bigger than city cars.
We have a Volkswagen Polo, a Mini, a Corsa and a Fiesta.
Come back here, don't go over there.
Come back over here.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
The Polo, people think it's a mini Golf, but it's not.
It's not quite as good.
It's a bit dull and boring.
The Mini - well, it's got that slightly weird German pretending to be British thing, like seeing a German man wearing a Barbour jacket.
It's just wrong, isn't it? The Corsa used to be terrible.
It's less terrible now, but it's still not the one to buy, because the one to buy is the Ford Fiesta.
It's been the bestselling car in the UK for yonks, and there's a good reason for that.
It's brilliant.
OK.
Small SUVs.
HE SPITS This is the VW Tiguan.
I think that's called a Mokka, made by Vauxhall.
I think that's called the Cougar, made by Ford.
And that's the Nissan Qashqai, made in the UK and a very worthy vehicle.
I wouldn't have any of them, cos they're all complete BLEEP boxes.
I'd have a Golf.
Where's the Golf? Ah, here's the Golf! Right, so you can forget about all this stuff, forget about all those SUVs and forget these hatchbacks.
Just buy a Golf.
It does a better job than all of these cars put together.
Golf, Golf, Golf.
Moving on.
Small executive cars.
Now, the rule book says that the BMW 3 Series is the one that you want to drive, the Audi is the one that you want to sit inside cos it's beautifully built, the Alfa Romeo is the one that you want to display just how crazy and different you are from every other executive in the car park.
But the one you want is the Mercedes C-class, cos it's justsays nice things about you.
And it's a great car to be in.
It rides well, and the new diesel engines are great, so buy a C class.
Moving on.
These are the large SUVs, the more hateful end of the car-owning spectrum, let's say.
This is the new Land Rover Discovery 5, and I think you know my opinion on the styling of this car.
It looks terrible.
Very, very capable, but ask yourself this - could you be seen in this thing? It's terrible! The Volvo XC90 - massive, very competent.
This here is a Hyundai Santa Fe.
You can buy a Hyundai for £40,000.
Would you want to? No.
This is the BMW X5, which looks a bit sort of police car-y to me, and it's not as good as the last X5, so come back here.
The one you want is the Volvo XC90.
Volvo's on a roll at the moment, and I think the engine mounts on this one are better than the one I had on the XC60.
Right, over here.
Thiswell, these are the ones you want.
Forget large SUVs, they're tasteless.
What you should have is a classic estate car, right? This is the Volvo V90, a great, big lump of Swedish loveliness.
But the engines, they're a bit mean.
You can't buy a big, powerful, turbo-charged six cylinder one yet, so I think that has to be discounted.
The Jaguar XF Just not quite at the races at the moment, sadly.
So, it's between these two.
Traditionally, it's always been, do you buy an E-class or a 5 Series? I don't want to confuse you, cos the other week, I said I'd rather have a Mercedes E63 over an M5, but in the ordinary area, when you're down in the diesels and the normal petrol engines, I'd probably have a 5 Series.
So, there you go.
Fast reviews done.
You now know which car to buy.
Can we go and drive some more supercars now, please? Wow, that was comprehensive, yeah.
All right, now it's time to put a Star in a Reasonably Fast Car.
Star of Green Wing, Rush, and Episodes, please welcome my good friend Stephen Mangan.
Yeah! Woo! Thank you, everybody! All right? How are you, you all right? - Have a seat, have a seat.
- Thank you very much.
- Oh, yeah! - Check this out.
- Welcome to the show.
- Thank you! What's taken you so long? You've been saying for ages you want to come down and do a lap, then you don't return my calls.
I've seen how you live.
You're used to getting your own way.
It's good for you to wait once in a while for one thing.
So, you guys have known each other for a long time.
- You go back a long way.
- Our middlemy middle Our middle son! That would be a rumour! No, um My middle son, Frank, is eight, and I think we met just before he was born, so yeah, we've been working together for eight years.
So, Episodes started when? 2010? 11? - It's so long ago.
- So, you did seven years of that.
- You have no recollection at all.
- We've done a lot, yeah.
- Episodes is a show you're in, all right? - No, no, no.
- OK? Our first scene we shot ever was late at night in Surrey, not very far from here.
- We were pretending it was LA.
- Yeah.
It was supposed to be very warm.
We were in shorts and T-shirts, it was, like, -6.
Sitting in a convertible.
We had to suck on ice cubes, do you remember that? To stop our breath steaming up.
I don't remember sucking on the ice cubes.
Maybe it was just me.
Maybe they were having a laugh at my expense! "Here, suck on these ice cubes.
"You're really cold, this'll help!" "Oh, OK.
" If you think about it, there's a lot of similarities between Episodes and Top Gear, cos you basically hang around with scruffy-looking blokes in Surrey.
- That's what we do.
- That's what we Yeah, that's the show.
That's my favourite thing to do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Now, when you first got here this morning - Yeah.
- .
.
you did the training with Chris first.
- Yeah.
And what did you learn? What What stands out in your mind the most, from what you learned? I've never ridden round a track, I don't know Ridden? Driven Ridden? Run, ran? - Vroomed round the track before.
Never done that.
- Yeah.
They say to you, "Learn the track, don't worry about the car.
"The car will come next.
- "If you try and do everything at once" - It's too much.
I was like, "I get it, OK, I'm with you.
" Then you get in the car, and you're like HIGH-PITCHED: "Oh! Oh, there's this!" And then the car, and then it turns.
And you just, your mind is going nuts - Did you make that actual noise? - Yeah, yeah, several times.
- Let's see it.
I want to see it.
- Let's see your training.
- OK.
- Stephen, it's great to have you here.
- Thanks.
I mean, the weather's beautiful.
You don't look remotely nervous.
I'm terrified, yeah.
It's just this seat belt's so tight, you can't see me shaking.
Well, that's a good thing.
Tight seat belt is safety.
- Now, you have one goal - Yeah.
.
.
to achieve in this next session.
- Not just in this session, in life.
- What is it? Beat Matt LeBlanc at all costs.
Despite the fact that you're in a car that's got 50 more horsepower? - I don't care, I just need to beat him.
- Let's face it I'll never, ever hear the end of it if I don't.
- I support you in this, cos I'd quite like you to beat him, as well.
- OK.
And the fact is that history doesn't remind us what the car was.
- Yeah.
- It's just the time, isn't it? - It's the time.
It won't say, "Stephen Mangan in the faster Toyota," it'll just say - Who had the lower time.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah.
I can hear you both.
I can hear both of you.
- Who gave him a radio?! - Are we going to have to? Get rid of him! Let's go.
Ignore him, go.
- Right.
- Go.
He's nervous.
I'm in his head.
He's nervous.
I can tell.
I know him.
So you lookyou look quite well, considering How long have you been working with Matt for? A couple of years now.
I mean, it's an interesting experience.
- I did seven.
- You did seven? - Yeah.
- When did the therapy end? - I'm actually 22, but look at me.
That's good! Get the lock on, get the lock on.
We're going to be off otherwise.
Get the lock, otherwise we're going to be off.
That's good.
That's good.
Oh-ho-ho-oh! - Woohoo! - Round to the left.
- Brake hard, brake hard.
- Brake - Mangan, brake! - Second gear.
- Second, second.
Second, that's fourth.
That's fourth! That's fourth, that's fourth! Yes, we can beat Matt's time.
We can definitely beat Matt's time.
That's good.
Look at the wrist position.
Look at that confident 1950s style Stirling Moss hand position! - Did you see that, then, when you were just? - Oh! Yes, I'm feeling it, I'm feeling it! - Fourth gear, fourth gear.
- Fourth gear.
I wasn't feeling that! Rev it out, rev it out.
Come on rev it out! - I'm revving, I'm revving! - Rev it out.
That's good.
That's fast! Do you feel alive? Do you feel adrenaline? I feelI feel alive, but not for much longer.
OK, flat chat.
How fast can you go through here? I don't know.
Let's find out.
BLEEP.
OK, that was about as fast as you can go through there.
That's quick.
Brake between the 150.
Brake, brake, brake! Brake, brake! Stephen, brake! Oh, that's too much speed, I'm getting out of the way! Brake, brake, brake! We're super fast! We're hot! - We're hot and we're off! - Whoa! Flat chat, that's a bit of grass there.
All right, stop there.
Stop, stop, stop! Wow! You idiot! - Crikey! - You are committed, aren't you? I'm not going to leave this place until either the record goes or I do! You are committed! - One of those, one of those is getting - Jesus Christ! Someone bring me a towel, please! What am I, within? Am I within a minute? - You're in the ballpark.
- OK.
- For an early effort, I'm not going to tell you more than that.
- OK.
But you're in the ballpark.
You are material we can work with.
OK.
Good.
That's all I need.
That's all I need to keep me going at this point.
- You're in trouble, LeBlanc, I hope.
- It's a big ballpark.
It's a very big ballpark.
I've got very big ballparks.
Oh It's funny, watching it, you just immediately, it comes right back.
You're like, you're there, as well, you're right in that moment.
- So, just to be clear.
- Yeah.
You're looking to beat my time, that I set in a much slower Kia.
Yeah.
And you're driving the much faster Toyota GT86.
That's The director told me that because your car is much slower, you just basically go flat-out all around, it's really easy to drive.
Whereas I'm dealing with a lot more power, it's a lot more difficult, - technically difficult thing to do.
- Stephen has a point.
- So - Are you still here? - But you've spentyou know, you - That doesn't make any sense.
You drive cars all day long, fast cars.
This is new for me.
I drive a BMW i3.
- What? - Yeah.
- Why? LAUGHTER Look at it.
Cos I live right in the centre of London, I don't need The only thing, the only problem with that car is, it's got four seats and there's five in my family.
- So we draw lots whenever we go out.
- Draw straws! - Yeah.
Now, you were in a proper Hollywood film about the greatest era in F1 ever, weren't you? - OK, Rush.
- Yes, Rush.
- There I am, there.
- Yeah.
Yeah, with Chris Hemsworth playing James Hunt, and that I mean, what was interesting for us was, they were all the original cars.
That wasn't the car he won in '76, but it was the car he drove the year after and when you get in them, or look at them, there's just nothing to them.
- Deathtrap.
- They're deathtraps.
Andyou don't I mean, stupid of me, probably, you don't realise the feet go all the way to the end! Yeah, no, your feet are in front of the front axle.
So the first thing that actually anything hits is your feet.
It was a dangerous They were losing a driver a year, at that point.
And surrounded by fuel, so that can explode.
And Ibecause I'm playing Alastair Caldwell, who was head of the McLaren team, I was the guy at the pit stop standing at the end of the car, so the car comes in and I'm standing right where the nose comes up to, which was fine when the stunt drivers were doing it, but when Chris was doing it, you know, he's not a professional driver and of course he has to make it look like it's a race situation, so he's driving in as fast as he can and that front fin is like ait's like a knife and it's stopping six inches from my shin, and I wasevery day, I was thinking, "This is it, both my feet are going to be "40 yards down the track!" Butyou know, fantastic experience to be there, with the noise, the six wheel Tyrrell, all that stuff, it was just fantastic.
- They were heroes.
- Yeah.
- Gladiators.
- Unbelievable.
Three weeksthree or four weeks after he was read the last rites, Niki Lauda was back in a Formula 1 car, racing.
- But I understand that he couldn't blink.
- Yeah.
So you can imagine driving round the track without being able to blink, the pain you must be in.
He's now the team manager at Mercedes, so when Lewis comes in and, you know, he's looking for sympathy cos he's in a bit of physical pain in the car, can you think of a worse person to go to than Niki Lauda? He's been through it all, hasn't he? All right, What do you think? Is it time? - OK.
- I think it's time.
- You think it's time? Let's take a look at your timed lap.
- I'm nervous.
OK, let's do it.
- What do you think? - Now, your goal was to beat me.
- Yeah.
In a much faster car.
Well, I mean, nobody It's a time.
How fast can you How fast can you get round the track? That's like saying, "I want to ride the racehorse "faster than you can ride the donkey.
" History will judge us on the pure figures.
All right, well, good luck to you, my friend.
Thank you.
Nervous, I'm nervous.
Let's take a look.
So we're off the line.
Using all of first gear.
If you have tears, Matt, prepare to shed them now.
That's all I'm saying.
You've triggered the hazard warning lights, that's maximum braking.
Using all the circuit, that's good.
And if I don't beat you, it's not a big deal.
I can live with that.
I'm not sure you can.
Nice roll on the car.
Roll equals grip.
Move house, change my phone number .
.
assume a new identity.
You're wringing its neck.
You're using every single rev, you keep triggering those lights, that's a very good sign.
Hammerhead, the line's good, letting the car run out wide, like we said.
That's good.
I'm doing this for Chris, because I know what it's like to work with Matt all those years, and mate, I just feel for you.
It's Matt LeBlanc this, Matt LeBlanc that.
Through the Follow-through.
Oh, over steer at, what, 90mph? He wasn't that good in Friends.
Chandler was my favourite.
Tyre wall was quick.
This is quick, this is very fast.
A good, early turn into second-to-last.
Bit of a wobble, there.
What's it like through Gambon? - Oh! - A bit of grass? Yes! MATT LAUGHS - That looked good! - Such a laugh.
That looks fast.
It was fun, I really, really enjoyed it.
- I think he was sandbagging.
- He was fast.
- He was real fast.
- Really fast.
- I enjoyed it.
Really, really good fun.
- That looked fast.
All right, so there's the leaderboard.
- Who do you want to beat? - I want to be above you.
I'm not on this leaderboard.
OK, well, put you on, and I want to be above you.
This leaderboard is only for the people that drive the GT86.
- Where were you, what was your time? - Allow me to help you.
- Have you got it? - Just for reference, I actually have Matt's time here.
- OK.
- Oh, OK.
It says here, Matt LeBlanc (Kia), 1:42.
1.
I mean, even looking at it now, that is a good time in a Kia.
That's in a car with, what, 50 less horsepower? Oh, get your excuses out of the way, all right.
- It's a good time, Matt.
- Wah, wah, wah! - Yeah, fun time - I don't know if I've beaten you yet, so - All right.
- Leave myself somewhere to go.
OK.
- Are you ready? - No.
- All right, Stephen Mangan - Yeah.
- .
.
you went around - Yeah.
- .
.
in one minute - Yeah.
- What's the time to beat? - 42.
- You need to beat a 1:42.
1.
- Yeah.
- You went around in one minute - Yeah.
Fffff.
No, that's not the sound.
One minute, - 37.
2.
- Oh! Oh! Wow! That was awesome.
- Wow! - Third-fastest.
Third-fastest.
That is good.
That is really good.
We reckon that the Toyota's about four seconds quicker than the Kia, Matt.
So that, with my rudimentary mathematics, means that he might have actually beaten you if he'd been in the Kia, as well.
LAUGHTER He's the expert.
I'm not the expert.
I'll give it up, I'll give credit where credit's due.
- You got me.
That is.
.
- Wow.
That's fantastic.
Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen Mangan.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Wow! I can't believe it.
Good job, man.
That's great, way to go.
Thank you very much.
Cheers.
Now, time for some Top Gear consumer testing.
Most new cars have something called automatic braking, clever tech that's supposed to scan the road for pedestrians, and hit the brakes if it thinks there's a risk of a collision.
But how reliable is it? I headed out on the track to find out.
This is a Volkswagen Arteon, and it has one of the most sophisticated automated braking systems out there.
If there's a pedestrian to spot, then this thing should spot it.
Problem is, none of the crew wanted to be driven at at 40mph.
A lot of paperwork, but I've come up with a genius solution.
Meet my willing assistant, Professor Brian Box! Good luck, professor.
Going to need it.
OK.
39mph exactly.
I've got cameras, I've got sensors all over the place, scanning the road ahead for obstacles.
Nothing's happening, nothing's happening.
Oh! Turns out the braking systems won't stop for a stationary pile of cardboard boxes.
Otherwise, they'd be braking at every lamp post and road sign.
Sorry, professor! Ouch.
So, we need to make Professor Box mobile.
Let's do it! So realistic, man! I mean that actually looks more like a human person than .
.
than a human person.
Here we go, brake, brake, brake! Ah, dammit! What is wrong with this car? Well, nothing.
It turns out that the system also recognises my pile of cardboard boxes disguised as a human as not human.
What it needs is an actual human.
So, in the name of science All right, see the legs, see the legs, come on.
I believe in you technology, come on.
Come at me, bro! It's going to stop, it's It's not stopping! BLEEP.
OK, that's enough science for one day.
I am done.
I am done.
Lack of commitment, Rory! A true scientist would've stood his ground.
What you talking about? I literally left it as late as I could.
So what have we learned, other than the fact that you're scared of being hit by a car? OK, well, first of all, that science is actually quite difficult.
And also, you remember back in the old days, if a car was heading towards you really quite quickly, - it was a good idea to jump out of the way? - Yeah.
Well, nowadays, if a car's driving towards you really quite quickly, it remains a good idea to jump out of the way.
- Useful.
- You're welcome.
Right, it's been a great few months for fans of fast things.
The Porsche 911 GT2, the BMW M5, Bentley Continental, but there's one performance car I've been looking forward to more than any other.
And the wait is finally over.
Yes, it's a Ford Fiesta.
But not just any Ford Fiesta.
This is the new Fiesta ST Hot-Hatch.
The old one was utterly brilliant, so this new one is a big deal.
This thing is a proper hell-raiser.
The whole thing just buzzes with excitement.
Into a tight corner, and you can feel it cocking a wheel.
Absolutely fires out of corners.
Oh, yes, even more than the old Fiesta ST, this new one is tailor-made for British B-roads.
Changing gear, that's still the driver's job, but now you can upshift without having to lift off the throttle! I mean, that's race car stuff.
Steering is the fastest ever fitted to a Ford hot-hatch.
There's even an optional limited-slip differential, so you don't waste power through messy wheel spin.
So it changes direction like a Shane Warne leg break.
It's a cricket thing.
Then there's the new rear suspension, which uses something called force vectoring springs.
Which basically means that when the car leans into a turn, they push back against it.
A bit like they're propping up a mate who's had a few too many beers.
Ease off on the springs, they relax a bit.
The old ST was just a bit too stiff when you were going slowly, but this one is much smoother.
It's innovative stuff for a hot-hatch, but even more innovative is the engine.
ENGINE ROARS Listen to those bangs and pops.
It's a 1.
5 L turbo three cylinder engine, and when it thinks you don't need all three cylinders, to save fuel, it'll run on just two.
But don't worry, because while it might be minuscule, this little engine's got a kick.
A 200 horsepower kick.
Which, on a road like this, is plenty.
0-60, 6.
5 seconds.
Top speed, 144mph.
And it's got so much torque! You don't have to wait for everything to arrive, it's just there immediately.
It's easy, effortless performance.
You know what? No-one does a scrappy hot-hatch like Ford.
I love this thing.
Not only is it better than the old Fiesta ST, but it's one of the most fun new cars you can buy.
And not just the most fun for 20 grand.
The most fun, full stop.
In the real world, on real roads like this, you'll have a much better time in one of these than you would inoh, I don't know .
.
how about a Lamborghini Aventador S? A proper supercar.
Four times the power of the Fiesta, 15 times the price.
And out here, nowhere near as much fun.
Oh! For starters, there's the sheer size of it.
So part of the problem is, this thing is as wide as Windsor Castle.
It's not ideal for these sorts of roads.
Because when Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah, OK.
He's not moving, is he? OK, I'll go back.
This is a really easy car to reverse.
Yeah.
Oh, this is horrible.
I don't want to be doing this.
Supercars, living the dream! And when you do get going, the next issue is all thatperformance.
Yes, I've got an engine that's four times the size of the Fiesta's, 740 horsepower, but right now, I can deploy about 40 horsepower.
Oh On paper, this car offers so much, but on the road, I can use so little.
Unlike the Fiesta, the Aventador simply isn't built for B-roads.
Oh, bumpy, scrape-y noises! Which is a problem, because here in the UK, there are 215,000 miles of them.
That's 87% of our roads, right? So on nine out of ten UK roads, you'll have more fun in a Fiesta than a supercar.
That's just maths.
And the equation gets even worse for the supercar when you reach a town.
Speedbump, ugh.
Look at that pothole there.
Ugh.
Ah! Persian rugs have more ground clearance than this thing! And when you've had enough of that, you've still got to park the thing.
Welcome to hell.
This is going to be interesting.
I'm going to use my nose lifter.
Oh, God, it was already up.
Really? Look at your rear! And now I can't see the kerb.
Now, you see, Lamborghini doors.
I'm going to hit the roof now, aren't I? Just makes you feel like a terrible driver.
You feel like a learner again.
Finding a space isn't exactly easy, either.
Concrete posts, can't fit in there.
I don't want to park anywhere here.
And even when you do There! .
.
you've got to get in it.
I mean, the turning circle's just terrible.
Well, that was horrible.
Absolutely horrible.
HE EXHALES Then, of course, worst of all, there's the anxiety of leaving your precious 300 grand car unattended.
Yeah, that should do it.
In the Fiesta, though, different story.
Oh, that's more like it! Nippy, fast.
.
Speed bumps, easy meat! That's the beauty of the ST.
It even makes town driving fun.
Now, I know what you're going to say.
Of course the Fiesta makes more sense than a Lamborghini in the city, because it's a city car.
But what about .
.
on a racetrack? I mean, that's the natural habitat of a supercar, right? Woohoo! OK, I'll admit, when you give a supercar some space, and let that V12 sing, it's spectacular.
And for 300 grand, you'd expect it to be.
But it is a bit anti-social.
The problem I have is, you don't want to go and do a track day with a load of 300 grand supercars.
Is that not just potentially a really, really expensive accident? This really is a single-player game.
In the Ford, however .
.
it's all rather more sociable.
Look at this! It's like the greatest hits of hot hatchbacks.
All right, you lot.
Shall we? Here we go! Oh, let's get this Civic round the outside.
Turning Oh! This is what it's all about! Get some mates in hatchbacks, hire a cheap track, and have yourself an impromptu touring car race.
This is more fun than a real race meeting! HE LAUGHS This is madness.
Whoops, there goes the grass.
What's he doing? HE LAUGHS I'm pushing him wide! Oh, what's a bit of paint between friends? This is brilliant! So, the Ford Fiesta ST.
It really is the Holy Grail of hot-hatches.
A reasonable, riotous, real world hero.
HE LAUGHS This car is so good! And I've got to say, it's the perfect performance car for Britain.
Great little car, great little car.
Yeah, yeah.
It is.
Yeah.
I mean, what a great little car, small but perfectly formed.
Kind of like you.
If you were perfectly formed.
But you're right, pound for pound, you'd have more fun in one of these than you would in one of these.
I'm not saying this is more fun pound for pound.
This is more fun, full stop.
Hang on, hang on, wait.
So if a bloke came up to you in the street and offered you a Lamborghini Aventador or a Ford Fiesta, which one would you take? I'd have the Fiesta.
No! What you do is you take the Aventador, you sell it, and then you buy 15 Fiestas.
LAUGHTER Rory, that is .
.
the first good idea you've had this series! Thanks, Matt! Yeah.
And it's also the end of the series.
- Oh, just as you're getting warmed up.
- Shut up.
Yeah, he's right, shut up.
OK, thank you all so much for watching.
We've had a lot of fun making this series, sometimes too much fun.
So here's some outtakes.
Enjoy.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hey, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no.
Move.
You stay right there, don't move.
Is that a polar bear? Ow.
- Buddy? - No.
Hello.
Oh, that's HE SNEEZES You and I I mean, what's wrong with just sticking your favourite .
.
picture with the script on the back, and just whacking it up there, like that? HORN BEEPS REPEATEDLY - BEEPING STOPS - Do that again.
OK, and I can't remember what to say.
Four.
OK, there's a whole world of off-roaders upup BLEEP.
I was so close! I can touch your nose, look.
This Drive very far, very fast.
It's lighter, faster - Is that in the shot, if I do that? - Yeah.
It's completely in the shot.
HE COUGHS Stop! - What are you doing? - What? "What, eeh, ooh, ah, ooh!" LAUGHTER - IMITATING CAR ENGINE: - Ba-a-a-a-a.
Ba-a-a-a, ba-a-a, rrrr! Mmmm, Apex.
Mmm-mmm-mmm.
Vr-a-a-a-m.
Mm-mm-mmm.
Finish line.
Prepare for a series of challenges in the land of the Vikings Hey, get out of my lap, what are you doing? - What's wrong with you? - I didn't have a seat belt on.
It's a family show! I didn't have a seat belt on! Well, put it on! You stink, that was disgusting.
Wow.
You need to see a doctor.
That helicopter's had a profound effect on your hair.
I've made a faster sheepdog.
HE WHISTLES This is Maddy.
Come here Maddy, come here! Oh, yeah! Hi.
Matt, that's a greyhound.
That's a matter of opinion.
Can she round up sheep? Sure.
Sure.
Maddy, go get the sheep! Hey, Maddy.
This is Maddy.
- Can she round up sheep? - Sure.
Maddy, go get those sheep! Go get them! Gosh, look at her go.
Yeah.
THEY LAUGH Nailed it.
LAUGHTER So I've made a faster sheepdog, huh? This is Flynn.
WHISTLES Come here, Flynn.
Come here, buddy.
Hey! Get the sheep.
He's on the trail.
He's on the trail.
I can see.
Oh! Go get the sheep, go get the sheep.
Look at him go.
Ah! Look at him go! - Whoa! - Look at him go! He's fast.
Oh, where did that one come from? HE LAUGHS HE HUMS You know what I mean? OK, here we go, Professor Green.
One minute, forty .
.
six .
.
flat.
I put it in the wrong spot! What an idiot.
Wait, where does it go? Just above James McAvoy.
Don't distract me! Jesus, be quiet.
This is serious geometry.
Here we go I feel this is the one, ready? Nope, all right.
I think that's my new style of doing this, so I don't have to add.
I'm just going to do that.
Don't overthink it.
- I'm getting caught up in my own - Just let that wrist relax.
You've got a lot of tension in that wrist.
BLEEP nailed it, man.
# Oh, Lord # Won't you buy me A Mercedes Benz? Oh! Go easy with the car, it's a prototype! Don't get carried away with your speed.
All right, Chris, I've got this.
# So Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz? A Mercedes Benz.
I reckon if we get it over, we'll get it going again.
Yeah, it'll buff out.