Top Gear (2002) s27e04 Episode Script

Series 27, Episode 4

1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good evening and welcome to Top Gear where, tonight, we're talking about unusual specimens, not Ant and Wreck over there, but rare cars.
Because if you want to get your hands on a truly rare car, you could spend millions on a machine like this - one of 14 right-hand drive Ferrari 275 GTS.
It's just beautiful.
Look at it.
It is nice but you could go the cheaper route.
If you do a bit of digging, for not much money, you can find some properly rare cars, the last of their kinds.
Yeah, cars that were once common but are now nearly extinct.
So, the producers told Fred and me to go out and pick the rarest, cheapest cars we could find and then meet up with them .
.
in Borneo.
Borneo.
A vast jungle island over three times the size of Great Britain, a unique ecosystem that's home to some of the strangest, rarest beasts on Earth BIRDS TRILL .
.
and about to be home to two more.
Come on.
PADDY GROANS Come on.
Ah.
Come on! How are you? Good to see you.
From Bolton.
Right Oh, cars.
I can't wait to see what you brought.
Now, let me tell you, I've been to some very mysterious parts of the internet finding this car.
I'm sure you have, Paddy.
This is a proper, rare one-off.
Right.
I give you .
.
the Matra Bagheera S.
Feast your eyes on that, son.
Mid-engine, rear-wheel drive, low centre of gravity - proper sports car, Fred.
Push-button, nice.
Three seats.
Did somebody say McLaren F1? No.
Yes, I did.
There's only four in the UK.
This is the only right-hand drive that Matra did theirselves.
And, just for extra points, this is the original brochure for this car.
And that car you're looking at there, the original, is that.
Seriously? That is the same? That is that, my friend.
Bagheera.
So, it's named after a Disney character? I'll forgive your ignorance.
How much? Six grand, just under.
Six grand.
I'll give you it, it's obscure.
Well, that's the point, Fred.
That's the point.
Is it quick? Quick?! Oh! 118 top end.
Look at how low this car is.
Look at the ground clearance.
Well, yeah, it's low because it's a sports car, Fred.
But you're in Borneo.
Have you seen the terrain you're going to be going on? This is useless.
I've never been to Borneo before! I'm not well-travelled like you.
Come here, let me show you this.
This is what you should have had.
This is the car that is going to wipe the floor with you.
I present to you .
.
the Austin Allegro estate.
Both British and exotic.
Well, listen, I don't want to disappoint you, but the words "British" and "exotic" don't go together.
It's an Allegro.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I mean, there's loads of them.
No, no, not this Allegro.
This is an estate.
This is rarer, Paddy.
Rarer.
Just a couple knocking about.
And it's three and a half grand.
Half the price of that, more or less.
Yeah, I know it's half the price cos it's half the car.
Half the price, double the car.
There's no way that's getting across Borneo.
This is mint.
This is as fast as the day it left the factory.
So, very slow, then.
Faster than yours.
Fa! Well, we'd soon see.
Three .
.
two, one .
.
go.
Come on, Matra, let's go.
Oh, bloomin' heck.
I've got the cover on the back.
It's acting like a parachute as well.
That's not happening.
French engineering at its best! Suppose he's got a bit of drag.
That's what he'll be saying.
"I've got a bit of drag with this at the back of my car.
"The dust sheet's slowing me down.
" Ugh.
Look at Paddy.
He'll be all happy with himself.
Well done, Paddy, you've won in a sports car.
Now, the mission we've been given for our classics was a simple one - head up the road out of town and keep driving until we could drive no more.
But, just because the route was simple, it didn't mean it would be easy.
God.
I've literally only just got off the airstrip and we're struggling here.
If I was to draw a car I didn't want to drive around Borneo, I reckon I'd draw that.
But survive the journey and we've been told our rare beasts might just earn themselves a place in one of the world's most legendary car collections - a place that, frankly, my car was made for.
Matra Bagheera.
Wow.
I love the steering wheel.
I like the little flat bit at the bottom, very Lamborghini-esque.
In fact, at its launch, it was known as the little Lamborghini, and I can see why.
Matra is almost forgotten nowadays, but, 40 years ago, it led the world in motorsport.
In 1969, Matra won the F1 World Championships with Jackie Stewart.
And it won Le Mans three times - 1972, 1973, and 1974.
Proper pedigree, this car.
Phew! I'm having some of my cooling spray.
Oh.
Bit down here.
Oh, God, a pothole! Ooh, flipping heck! Paddy's rushing.
This is the tortoise and the hare, this.
You've brought a sports car to Borneo.
Go on, you rush around scratching the bottom, I'm just going to take it nice and easy in my Allegro.
Now, this is the HL line which means it's the posh one.
You get the head rests.
You get a massive quartz clock.
So you can keep your Bentley Mulsannes and your Rolls-Royce Phantoms, this is pure luxury.
After a couple of hours on the road, our progress was good.
But, heading into the hills, and still tiptoeing around potholes, Borneo threw in a new, unavoidable obstacle - mud.
Come on, Bagheera.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is tricky.
Oh, my word.
We're going in.
Nice and slow, Pad.
I'm giving it some! How are you going to get the nose up tha Go on, Bagheera.
Go on! Yes! Yes! Yes! PADDY LAUGHS Whoa! Up we go! That is unbelievable! Woo! What a car! Go on.
Oh.
Hang on.
I might have pushed the girl too far.
Let's try this.
Oh, Paddy's stopped.
You right, Pads? Wha? Slight technical.
FLY BUZZES What the frigging hell's that in my car? Get out! Oh, yes.
Can't believe I've just been overtaken by an Allegro.
Fred, I might need a bit of help here.
I might have to get out and give it a little bit of a shunt.
I tell you what we need, we need some rocks or something, don't we, under the wheels? I'll fish some out.
You sort them out, I'll get some out of here.
You've got to be careful in here, though, Paddy.
Any chance of something with a bit of substantiality to it? Well, do you want to have a look? There's all sorts in here.
He brought that out.
What's that going to do? In here, Paddy, in here there's tarantulas, right? Flying snakes.
They're not going to bother you.
Sumatran cobras that spray poison in your eyes and blind you.
You'll be all right.
Black leopards, stalk you in silence - one bite on the throat, you're dead.
You're from Preston, there's worse round there.
Back, back! Get a brick under the other side as well, Fred.
Oh, you sit t you're all right, I'll get the bricks.
Well, I'm the pilot, aren't I? Bloomin' heck.
There's them who sit in the car and reverse and there's them who put rocks under the tyres, son.
ENGINE REVS Go on.
What about giving it a bit of a .
.
at the front, give it a push at the front.
How about you get out for two minutes? Lift it! Oh, that's it, go on, Fred! It's not even a tonne, this car, it's lightweight.
Oh.
Stop! What is it? It's all right, you don't need it.
Oh, God.
You're all right.
Oh, I can't believe that's happened.
It's all right.
40 years, not a scratch.
It had been a busy morning for the cars, so, reaching a nearby village, we decided to stop for a break.
Don't be intimidated by me getting my arms out.
I'm really not.
Like a dinner lady, look at them.
And, as luck would have it, we turned up to a highlight of the local sporting calendar - buffalo race day.
This is quite a big thing, isn't it, today? Get some food here, eh? Oh, they're off.
Pick one, Paddy, pick one.
They're off.
/ Number one.
Number four, me.
Number four.
Yeah, the one at the front.
font color="# Go on, lad! Come on, number four! Go on, number one! Go on, one! He's got him.
Oh, no! Oh! Four.
That was four.
Four by a nose.
Good job I've got these on.
Oh! Have you not got them? No, I haven't.
You know, you just make them into shorts.
Get a bit of air to your legs, you see, Fred.
And, by the time the second race was over, Freddie had found the on-site catering.
Ooh, exotic.
Got a bit of fruit.
Durian fruit.
Chatting to the fella Pfft! You all right? Please stop putting it under my nose.
It's very prickly.
Whoa! What you doing? The texture's like Do you know when you get a cheese slice melted? Yeah.
That's the texture of it.
Phwoah, man, that smells.
Go on.
What do you mean "go on"? Hang on.
You said you were hungry.
Wait a minute.
Yeah, I wanted a It's all right.
You're struggling.
Tell you what You're struggling!/fon I tell you what PADDY LAUGHS No, it's fine, Paddy.
You went Oh.
It was just a surprise.
No, I'm all right.
Come on! Just tasted some.
Take them away.
No Say no offence when you go over, just saytell them I'm a vegan.
Yep.
There you are.
Pass it down.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Got these sago grubs.
What the f! What's that? Sago grubs, they're a delicacy.
They're alive, man.
You said you wanted protein.
Oh, no, I can't I mean, look at them, they're quite cute.
If I have one, will you have one? We're not eight.
But we're in it together, aren't we? We are not eight.
Put your hand there and I'll put my hand there and all that.
What are you doing? You need to live a little, Paddy.
What are you doing? I can't I tell you what, it's a funny feeling, that.
Oh, look at that.
Go on.
Fuelled up on his high proteingrub, next, Flintoff fancied his chances out on the track.
CHEERING What the hell is he doing? Over here.
Come on.
Paddy, lad, I'm in the lead! Go on! I'm winning.
Oh! Oh! Oh, no.
Come on.
But, before Freddie Dettori could do himself or a buffalo a career-ending injury, I thought it best we get back on the move.
And, once again, picking our way along the only road north, the afternoon played out .
.
well, pretty much as the morning had.
Come on.
Right, wait there, I'm going to give you a push.
Hang on, I might have that.
Try that.
BLEEP, BLEEP.
Paddy, wait! I'll tell you when! Oh, come on.
Come on, Bagheera.
Oh-ho! First gear's gone in! Yes! That's the first time to What in the name of God is this? Where did that come from? Oh! Oh, my God, that's savage.
Flippin' heck! I can't even get it into a gear.
Pump, pump, pump.
Bloody thing's cut out on me.
Oh, no.
I've no engine.
Oh! Oh! Oh, God.
Argh! Oh, there's bloody flies coming in at me.
Oh! Argh! Oh! HE PANTS Either this has got heated seats .
.
or I've just had an accident.
Look at this.
No pride in his car whatsoever.
Look at that.
He doesn't care, McGuinness, he doesn't care.
When did that come off? Down that hill.
I stopped to pick it up.
HORN BEEPS Oh, look at this.
We're holding up the road here.
It's all right, they'll see that and they'll go, "Oh, bit of class.
"He's a Matra driver.
" "Look at that knobhead driving that French car.
" Need a push up, boys.
Do you reckon you can push? You fancy helping us push this, please? Need a push, need a push.
Who's the lightest, smallest? The small one.
This lad here.
Get yourself in.
You steer, we'll push.
That's it.
Just before we go, it's the only right-hand drive Bagheera, that, made by Matra.
Are we ready? Right, lads, come on.
That's it.
Push! Oh, we're on it, we're on it! Come on, lads, come on.
Let's go, come on! Yes, lads, come on, push! THEY LAUGH Oh-whey-oh! Oh-oh-oh! And, just to be clear, while Paddy was busy deconstructing his Bagheera Oh! Ooh! Oh, no, there goes my rear view mirror.
That's gone.
.
.
the Allegro 1.
5 HL hadn't missed a beat.
Here we go.
I've had 4x4s that can't do this.
BMW X5, I couldn't get it off the drive when it snowed.
Me drive was only like that.
Look at this! I tell you what, the people at British Leyland, they had a bad reputation for going home early.
Not the bloke who put this one together.
He stayed on a Friday.
He thought, "One day, my car is going to be driven "by a fat, ex-cricketer with ginger hair through Borneo.
" As the day wore on .
.
eventually the light began to fade.
Oh, God.
Poor visibility, head lamps from the '70s, and it's raining.
Bloomin' heck.
Oh, no, what's happened to my wipers? I've lost a wiper.
But we'd been told to drive until we could drive no more, so, that's exactly what we did.
How are you feeling, big lad? Oh, I'm ready for my pit, son.
Me and you both.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is? What's going on? Hello.
OK.
Paddy, I think these are Gurkhas.
Just be good.
Sir? Yes.
This is for you.
Hoo! What did he say, Paddy? What's he after? Didn't say owt to me.
"Tomorrow, you will face the ultimate test.
"With the help of the army's elite shock force troop, the Gurkhas, "you're going off-road, "really off-road.
" CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What was that? What's that? Why's he doing that? Don't worry about that.
It's horrible.
It's horrible.
OK.
Congratulations, Andrew, you are definitely moving up in the world.
You've gone from pedalo to buffalo.
Firstly, it's Fred till I tell you otherwise.
OK, sorry.
/fo And the other thing, buffaloes are easier to stay on than a pedalo.
It does help being sober as well.
LAUGHTER I'm not going to lie.
We'll get back to that film and the Gurkhas a little later, and, let me tell you, those lads do not mess about.
Now, while these two were off flouncing around in the jungle, I was busy doing some real world consumer journalism, a very thorough review of the new Rolls-Royce.
It's called the Cullinan.
It costs a quarter of a million pounds.
And, though it might look like an SUV, according to Rolls, it isn't an SUV.
No, this is an all-terrain, high-bodied car.
So, an SUV, then.
And to all those people saying, "Should Rolls-Royce really build "a massive SUV?" I say, well, why not? If anyone's entitled to build a massive, off-road tank, it's them.
It's hardly like their normal cars are small and dainty, is it? Furthermore, 100 years ago, Rolls' entire best-car-in-the-world image was based on a building off-road vehicles because there were no roads.
Just ask Lawrence of Arabia.
And the Cullinan is a proper off-roader.
It's got four-wheel-drive, it'll wade through half a metre of water, it'll realistically go anywhere you'd expect your £250,000 off-roader to go.
But, let's face it, the Cullinan owner isn't going to do any of that.
They're going to drive around on-road, from this very high driving position, wondering why everyone else looks a bit poor.
And, out on the road, the Cullinan is every bit as refined and imperious as you'd expect from the world's most expensive SUV.
Listen to that.
The silence is just glorious.
This is the most refined SUV ever made.
You really don't even know the engine's switched on.
I mean, driving on this road now, there's no suspension noise, no tyre noise.
And the ride, it's just extraordinary.
It is so supple, it's like the road ahead of you's just been resurfaced with marshmallows.
And, like every other luxury SUV out there, the Cullinan doesn't just do comfort .
.
it also does power.
And it really is more than powerful enough.
It has a twin-turbo-charged 6.
75 litre V12, 560hp.
I'm not sure anyone is going to be brave enough to really hustle one of these, though.
It goes really, really quickly.
And it does a great job of hiding all of its weight until you get to a corner like that TYRES SCREECH .
.
and you are very aware of how heavy it is.
Let's be honest, this isn't an SUV for driving hard, it's an SUV for wafting along in glorious, soothing silence.
And, for that, the Cullinan is in a class of its own.
However, it does have one, teeny-tiny problem.
It is, to use a technical, automotive term, utterly hideous to look at.
I mean, it's a little bit new London taxi there, it's a little bit Chinese knock-off, it's ALL bad.
I mean, look at the grille.
All that money, that design team, that's the best they can come up with? It just looks like they've taken any old boxy SUV and just slapped a grille on it and a flying lady.
She must be gutted.
And I know looks are a subjective thing, but this is just wrong.
In fact, I'm going to get inside cos it's safer on my eyes.
Argh! It really is quite an achievement.
Rolls has somehow managed to build a £250,000 car that turns heads for all the wrong reasons.
# Hallelujah # Sorry.
Sorry.
# Hallelujah, hallelujah # It's not my car.
# Hallelujah # Hallelujah, hallelujah # Hallelujah.
# But there's something much worse going on here.
The Cullinan should feel like the peak of British engineering but, actually, it just feels cynical.
It doesn't feel like it was created through passion, or love, or innovation, it just feels like it was created to make money.
Raw greed.
Because, let's face it, there are too many rich people on this planet for this tasteless car not to exist.
I'm an apologist for the motor car - fast, big, inefficient, I'll defend them cos I love cars, I'm passionate about them.
But I cannot construct a defence for this car.
I'm in the flag-bearer for British engineering, a Rolls-Royce, and I'm ashamed to be in it.
So, if you want to experience a world-class piece of British engineering that doesn't make you loath yourself, you don't want one of these.
Oh, no.
You want one of these.
Now, that is British engineering.
Watch this.
The Brompton folding bicycle.
What a machine.
Frankly, it's a blessed relief.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I mean, I'm not I'm not being I do have to point out there's no Cullinan.
There are no flies on you, Fred.
Where is it? Your powers of observation are amazing.
Look, we asked Rolls-Royce if we could borrow one, they said no, so we had to rent one.
And they said no cos they were worried - I don't know why - they thought we were going to be rude about it.
You were rude about it.
Oh, come on, I think we just pointed out the obvious, didn't we? Look, it deserves a kicking and they're not the only ones, either.
Everyone's making these big, large, executive SUVs.
You know, Aston Martin's at it, Lamborghini's done it, Bentley's done it, but there's something about the Rolls that makes it more hateful than all the others.
It's just hideous to look at.
It's not that bad.
In comparison to the Bentley and the Lambo, I'd have it every day of the week.
Oh.
It's Rolls-Royce, Paddy.
British at its best.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry, are you having a laugh? No.
You would drive around in that car? Mate, what's wrong with it? Tell you what, then, you open the boot, you get a Brompton out, there's nothing more pretentious on the road than a Brompton.
"Look at me on my foldy-up bike.
" No, I've got to LAUGHTER Jeez, come on, Chris Shall we move on? Cos now it's time for tonight's studio guest, the fantastic Bob Mortimer.
Here's what happened when we met him out on the track earlier today.
Behave, you two.
You can have some as well.
APPLAUSE Hello, Bob.
Hiya, Paddy.
Hiya, Freddie.
Hiya, Chris.
How are you, boss? Thanks for having us.
Welcome to the Top Gear Width Restrictor challenge, OK? Right.
Very, very simple.
Yeah.
You've got to take this car Yeah.
.
.
and you've got to drive through there as fast as you can, and you have to nominate someone to compete against.
Might I suggest you choose the person you think might be the slowest.
Paddy.
Oh! FREDDIE LAUGHS Ooh.
Oh, he's not happy with that.
Here we go.
Great car, this.
Come on.
Sport mode - Bob won't think of that.
This is how competitive Paddy is, he started way back so he can get some speed up.
She's an old girl.
Come on.
70.
He suits the Jag.
I can imagine him in one of those lurking around wine bars.
Yeah.
Sort of Watford area.
100, we're at 100.
We're at 100.
We're at 100.
Oh! He's through, Bob.
Ooh, that were tight! TYRES SCREECH Well, I was very impressed.
She'll go, the old girl.
That was impressive.
Go on.
101! Race you back.
Beat that, Sir Bob.
I won't.
font col Now, did you touch anything? Well, little nick on the wing mi Oh, hello.
Oh, oh.
No, no.
Whoa.
It's intact, look.
Is the glass smashed? No.
There you go.
Get off that.
So I think that does count.
/font 101mph is your speed to beat, Bob.
Well, I won't be beating that.
Do you want me to try and do 100mph? I want you to beat Paddy.
BOB LAUGHS I really want you to beat Paddy.
Three, two, one, go.
Come on, Bob.
Don't lift off.
They're barely moving.
I can't even pick Oh, 36.
I am a sinner! 70! Come on, go, Bob! Go! I'm nervous.
I don't normally BLEEP! No, Bob, no.
No! Oh! You got through, Bob! THEY LAUGH Did you have the handbrake on, Bob, or what? In Bob's mind, we were supersonic.
It was Bob, we didn't need the speed camera.
Oh, I know, but I've joyed myself so much.
Honest.
THEY LAUGH It's not all about speed, is it? That's the first time I've been frightened in a long time.
First of all, can I announce your speed? What do you think you did? Oh, I think I I really want it to be 60 but Yes! Oh, it is? Oh! Oh, that's all right! That's all right! font co That's all right! And one point of conjecture, you went through at 60, you didn't touch anything.
No.
/font He may have done 101 but he whacked a wing mirror, so I'm not sure that you haven't scored a moral victory here.
He's chuffed with himself, isn't he? Oh, all the time.
/fon For no apparent reason.
Just shows that sometimes the tortoise beats the hare, doesn't it? Yeah.
Sometimes the bull beats the kestrel.
THEY LAUGH Do you know what I mean? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Please welcome comedy legend Bob Mortimer! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi, Paddy.
Hi, Chris.
Hiya, Freddie.
Oh! Whoa! Thanks for having us.
That was tight.
That was tight, yeah.
You went fast at first and then you took your foot off the gas, why? Yes, I got frightened.
Right, OK.
YOU got frightened? I was bricking it in that passenger seat.
Yes.
I kind of smelt that, yes.
LAUGHTER Kind of.
Apologies.
But let's start at the beginning.
Yeah.
What was your first My first car was a Lexus LS400.
Big.
That's a very big, not-normal, first car.
When did you pass your driving test? Not till my late 30s.
/f You know, when, my wife was having a baby, so you think, you know, you might have to drive to the hospital.
Drive to the hospital It helps.
Yeah, with some towels and some hot water on the back-seat, so I thought I'd have to learn, so, yeah.
So, what's this, then? Cos we've got footage of you driving in the mid-'90s.
Really? Yeah, let's have a look at this.
Nicole! Nicole! HE MOUTHS Papa.
Nicole.
Nicole! Bob! Yes! Blimey! Yeah.
Oh! What about that?! What a lovely memory.
That was the most viewing figures Vic and I have ever got, was for that advert.
How million?/f There's 24 million people watched that.
Extraordinary, isn't it? That advert was massive back in the day.
Yeah.
In fact, you're advert royalty.
I didn't know this.
This is amazing, everybody.
Bob used to be the voice of Churchill the dog from the adverts.
I can't believe it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, yes.
CHEERING Yes! Yes! LAUGHTER Yes! Yeah, we went into a voice booth and they had this character, a dog, and said, "Can you come up with a voice for it?" And I also, do you remember Deryck Guyler? "Oh, what you doing?" Yeah.
I did it like that and that became kind of what I'm best known for, although I'm not known for it as it were.
How long did you do it for, those adverts? I did it for a lon For, I'm thinking, like, ten years or something.
Did they just keep getting you back in or did you just use it, because it's just the same, "Oh, yes," it's just that on every advert.
Every time I'd have to go in and do an, "Oh, yes.
"Oh, yes! Oh, yes.
" You know, with those instructions.
"Say this one like you're sad.
" "Oh, yes.
" THEY LAUGH But, yeah, I'd have to, so they must have thousands upon thousands of, "Oh, yes," somewhere.
Brilliant.
Shall we talk about your n Gone Fishing with Paul Whitehouse.
Oh, thank you, yeah.
Now, I'm not massively into fishing.
/f I mean, I've done a little bit, but I love the show.
Why do you think it's been so successful? Do you know what? I think it's a little bit of what Last Of The Summer Wine used to have.
It's older fellas, it's very gentle.
It comes across on camera that you genuinely love it, though.
I absolutely adore it.
It's, like, not the fishing as such.
I adore at my age just being away.
It's like being 15 again with your best mate.
Yeah.
Messing around on a river bank.
Yeah.
Going to the boozer afterwards.
Yeah.
Having a pie, cos the wife's not there, so she won't stop me eating pies.
Oh, have you been put on a stop with pies, have you? Yeah, cos of me heart stuff, I'm not allowed to eat anything nice.
LAUGHTER The second series is on later on this summer as well.
Summer, yeah.
I think we've got a clip, actually.
Let's hav Bob.
Oh, have a drink from that.
PAUL CHUCKLES Isn't it glorious? That's fantastic.
It's a par four this, Paul, which means it should take four minutes.
BOB LAUGHS I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, Paul.
I shouldn't laugh.
And nor should you, you should be ashamed.
BOB SNIGGERS Whoa! Straight in the rough! Well, I'm not using what you used.
What did you use? Look at the size of this! I bet he's played it before.
No-one's been PAUL LAUGHS Come on, hapless Bob.
Whoa! WHOA! LOOK AT IT GO! Where did it go? Nobody knows.
No! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Bob, Bob, you're golfing there, obviously, you fish.
Historically, you're doing boring things but making them look really fun.
Do you fancy having a crack at cricket? LAUGHTER Anyway, it's time to see your lap.
Thank you.
How did you find the GT86? Phwoar! Well, when I went round with Stig, I found it terrifying, but, actually, when I was at the controls, not so much.
Not really.
It's interesting, Stig.
You're trying to work out what or who he is, you know? Yeah.
He's got very thin thighs, have you noticed? He's really thin.
Made me think, "Maybe he's part thrush?" LAUGHTER Anyway, who'd like to see Bob's lap? Yes! Come on.
Let's take a look.
Off the line.
I'm not going to say much here, cos Bob's ace.
IN GEORDIE ACCENT: Howie, Mickey, let's go down the retail park and do some doughnuts.
And then have some chicken and throw the bones at Halfords.
Were you just in your own little world at this point? To be honest with you, yeah.
I mean, it doesn't look quick.
No, it's not quick, I'm sure.
It's doing these sorts of speeds .
.
that mean that you miss the price reductions on the pasties and the pies.
Pasty gone! Pie gone! Too fast, boy! He's coming in to hammerhead now.
It doesn't look quick but it's controlled.
He was a late entrant to the competition.
Nobody knows who he is or where he's come from but he's fast.
He's fast, all right.
You're speaking about yourself in the third person, that's the first sign of madness, isn't it? Don't brake, Bob.
Don't Don't even think about it! Go, go, go, go, go! Don't brake! Don't brake.
Brake face! Oh, he's BLEEP his pants, but Oh, and home.
Thank God.
I don't care how fast that was, it's the best lap I've ever watched.
Oh, thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You can see the lap board, Bob.
Yeah.
Where would you like to Well, it was very sedate.
I wouldI would be so chuffed if I was above Dara - Uh-duh! - O Briain.
LAUGHTER So, you're setting your sights quite high there, Bob.
I've got the result.
Oh, dear.
And I can tell you, Bob Mortimer .
.
you went round our track in one minute .
.
40 Ooh, hey-yup! .
.
eight .
.
point four, so, Bob You're in! Hey! .
.
you're just under Frankie Dettori.
You've got to be pleased.
I'm very pleased.
HE LAUGHS Who'd have thought.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bob Mortimer! Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, time to get back to Borneo where, as you'll remember, the producers had arranged for the British Army's Gurkha regiment to interrupt our journey.
That's because the point of this film had always been to work with the Gurkhas and have a massive off-road adventure in the jungle, but the jungle the Army sends the Gurkhas to train in is in Brunei, and the mystery car collector we were on our way to see was none other than the Sultan of Brunei who, it's fair to say, wasn't expecting us.
Now, after we landed back in the UK, having made this film, the Sultan announced new laws making homosexuality and adultery punishable by death.
As you can imagine, we were horrified.
We'd obviously never have visited Brunei had that been the case beforehand.
And, though there's a temporary halt on enforcing this law, we thought long and hard about showing this film.
But the Gurkhas were brilliant, as were the men and women of Brunei who helped make this journey possible, so part two is for them.
Morning in Brunei.
Overnight, our rare cars had been taken off us and dropped deep into the jungle.
Now, to prove them worthy of the Sultan's collection once and for all, we'd each been assigned a three-man squad of Gurkhas to help us find them, bring them out alive and deliver them to his palace.
The heat's baking.
We're travelling down the river to God knows where.
Safe to say .
.
I'm out of me comfort zone.
I know for a fact, that in this water, it's full of crocodiles.
I'm hanging on.
Is this it? Is this it? I think we're here.
We're turning round, we're going somewhere.
What's going on? We're getting off.
Hang on.
What's going on? We're going.
What the hell's going on? Don't know, mate.
Safely ashore, before we could begin the hunt for our cars, our new colleagues wanted to give us the lay of the land.
Did you see this sign? Yeah.
Wild boar, that's a pretty big Dangerous? Very dangerous.
If you see boar in the jungle, avoid it.
What do we do? Hide behind a tree? Yeah, run.
Run? Yeah.
You can see there, that's from the crocodile, from the river crocodile.
Crocodile? They're coming out to here? font color=" Could there be a nest round here? A nest? Crocodile nest.
/fo They put their eggs in.
Might be.
What else should we look fo There's boars, crocodiles.
So be aware of very dry, dry trees.
There could be spiders and scorpions.
Right.
Basically, nothing is nice.
PADDY SIGHS Even with the 2015 Australian I'm A Celebrity champion for company, I was well out me depth.
Oh! BLEEP! Oh.
Oh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
You all right, Pad? Have to be careful around here, hadn't y Oop.
Oh, look at that.
Is that one of them knives that can cut through anything that you see on QVC? Just told me be careful with them, the spikes are poisonous.
Yeah, it's not something I were going to go and exactly try and touch.
How do you think your car's going to do in here, Paddy? Mine It's called the Bagheera, Fred.
The panther, it were made for this kind of stuff.
Tell you what, Paddy, I can't wait to show you what I've done to my car.
What do you mean, you've done to your car? Oh! Argh! Careful with that.
Oh, God! Oh! It's a bit brutal, ain't it? Where have they put these cars? THUNDER RUMBLES What? Have you ever had rain like that in your life? THUNDER RUMBLES It's actually chilly.
It is cold, ain't it? Chilly! After two hours hard trek, we finally came across a clearing.
Yes! The cars! Oh.
The cars.
I can't tell you how pleased I am to see that Allegro.
Look at her.
Look at her.
Hang on a minute.
font colo That! Oh, the modifications.
Yeah! Last night, I took it down the shop with the lads.
/fon What do you mean the lads? The Gurkhas.
Did a few things to it to get it through.
We put bull bars on.
Spare wheel.
These are a must, off-road tyres.
Roof rack, spotlights, spare fuel, spare tyres, you name it, Paddy, this car has now got it.
This is just going to plough through the jungle.
I get what you've done, but, to be honest, I think you've ruined it, pal.
He wants something untouched.
But he wants one-offs.
He wants one-offs.
This is now a one-off.
You've muddied it up too much, he's not going to want that.
Never mind concentrating on my car, how is that going to get anywhere around here? Look at it.
And, with that, Fred decided to show what the Allegro could do.
Come on.
Come on, the Allegro.
TYRES SKID Oh, it's not going to be easy, this.
Are them the off-road tyres? Oh! Yes! ENGINES REVS, BANGING Oh, the modifications have paid off, Fred! Eventually, though, with almost no help from the Gurkhas Go, go.
.
.
we started to make tracks.
Yes, go on! We'll have to do some clearing, lads.
Yeah.
That's it.
Over here.
Ready? Oh, I like this, teamwork.
I seen all that when we got up, I thought, "We've had it," but no.
Not with these lads.
All hands on log.
That's it! We're on it.
You have to move your Bagheera.
Go move your Bagheera, Paddy.
Bagheera? It's yours in the way.
No, but I can't move it for yours.
How's that? BANG What are you doing?! Sorry, Paddy.
You've gone into me pop-ups.
Why would you do that?! It's a one-off! I can't get any spares for it! Clearing the tree, we'd found our way onto one of the long-abandoned logging tracks that intersects the jungle.
A track that, with a bit of luck, might just lead to a road.
Come on.
Yes.
Come on.
But luck wasn't on our side.
Oh, my word.
Can't see the path.
Where are we going? Oh! Oh, no, we're stopping again.
Yeah.
Not more.
Every two minutes there's something.
Not again.
Just gets thicker.
Come on.
Mate, we'll get through that, just a bit of hacking If we've got through that, we can get through this.
Hang on Are you saying we're driving through that? Yeah, we're going to do a bit of clearing, move all this stuff out the way and let's get through.
What? I've got my off-road tyres jacked up, I'm fine.
Yeah, I haven't.
I'm two inches off the ground.
What was you saying before? "Oh, the Bagheera.
"Even the name's designed for the jungle.
" Now you're backing out.
Arjun? Yeah.
Is there not another font color="#fffff Is there another way out? Paddy.
Paddy.
We're in the jungle, you're meant to get through the jungle.
Excuse me, I'm having a talk to me captain.
I'm going to ge Get your pickaxe out, you'll love that.
Where are we? Where are we now? So, here.
We're here.
/font There's the one option, the river.
Didn't have you down there for a chicken, Pad.
River? FREDDIE CLUCKS There's no road.
There's no road.
If we can just get through a little bit, we can get to that river.
That's not far.
Paddy.
What? What's that? It's better to die than be a coward.
Look CLUCKING Chicken? We're still getting there, it's not about being a chicken.
This is, this is Oh, this is This is what you're dealing with.
What we've got here is a race, sunshine.
Paddy.
Ignore him.
Paddy, take your Bagheera Hang on a minute.
HORN BLARES So, Team Bagheera had a new plan.
If we'd come in by river, we could escape that way, too.
Captain Arjun had spotted an old fishing settlement nearby.
On foot, it was just a short hack through the jungle.
So, sending a scout on ahead to look for anything that could help us float, we saddled up .
.
and fired the Bagheera back down the logging track.
We're off.
We're off.
Lads, let's pick up the pace now, we've got to beat Paddy.
Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Whoa! Wahey! Oh! Yes! It's like a railway car.
Yeah! The Bagheera .
.
in its natural habitat.
It's impressive! Oh, gets a bit rocky here.
Oh! Oh! Oh! That's savage.
Oh! What the hell?! Oh! He'll still be hacking his way through the jungle.
For now, though, I need my machete.
Words I'd never thought I say, that.
"I need my machete.
" Come on, lads, we've got to beat Paddy now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! It is doing the business now, boys! I like this car! Yeah!/f We are on it now! Whoa! Wow! Oh! But it's sideways, though.
Look at this! While Paddy McCrae was on the charge, I was doing whatever I could to keep the Allegro moving.
Heave! Come on, we can do it! Argh! Heave! Push! Yes! Yeah! Come on! Right, stop it.
Stop, stop, stop, stop! Oh! Feel like a Shire horse.
A couple of miles east, meanwhile, Team Bagheera had reached the river.
Right.
That's not the raft, is it? Oh, this is We can make better.
We're going to have to make it a lot better.
There's no middle to it.
I hate to say it, lads, but we're in a rush here.
Push! Keep going! Keep going! Yeah! Always bend at the knees, Arjun.
Bend at the knees not the back.
VOICEOVER: Down at the water, the plan was simple - bulk up the raft, build a slipway Have you got it? Try, Paddy? Yeah.
VOICEOVER: .
.
and don't sink the Bagheera.
Right.
I'm going to bring her down.
Here we go.
This side.
Yep.
A little bit still.
Still.
Still.
OK! Doesn't help with the bloody rain.
OK.
Little bit.
Yeah.
Yeah? Yes.
That's good.
OK.
Come in, come in.
Good.
We're on, boys! Good.
We're on! We're on.
He's left me.
Give him Nothing.
Oh, my word.
It's not the easiest path but it's the most rewarding.
Look at this.
We're moving, we're moving! We're only moving! This car just amazes me.
And it might just have found a way out.
Oh-ho-ho-ho! Come on, we're back! Come on, come on.
Get in, lads.
Out on the raft, meanwhile, Operation River Rapids was under way.
Although, to be fair, not quite as rapidly as we'd hoped.
So, to keep up morale, I broke out the refreshments.
Time to get out the big guns.
I've got the Angel Delight.
Oh, thanks.
Have a cup.
On the top, there.
On the top.
That's it.
Yeah, that's open.
Oh! Strawberry.
It's the only flavour to have.
Little bit of milk.
Give it a stir.
That's it.
Here we go.
We're rallying now.
We're rallying.
This is going pretty smooth.
Smooth.
It's the car, it's the I'm glad you noticed.
Suspension.
Hydro gas.
It's an absolute dream.
Oh, my word.
Oh! Bloomin' heck! It's a taste of home.
Yeah.
Look at us.
Four Gurkhas eating Angel Delight.
Arjun, I've got to ask, have you ever met Joanna Lumley? With the Bagheera gradually floating out of the running, Team Allegro was out of the weather and on the charge.
Oh, my word.
Is that Is that? It's not.
Tarmac! Come on! THEY CHEER Whoa.
Bit of land there, boys.
I think we can get in there.
Paddling.
Keep paddling, yeah.
That's it, round we go.
Now, look at that for a handbrake turn.
Push.
Whoa! Jesus! Yeah.
Time is of the essence.
Out the way, boys.
I'm on, lads! Come on, Bagheera! Yes! Yes, Bagheera! Yeah! We're on, boys! This was it.
The edge of the jungle.
We'd each found a road and it would now be a race 40 miles north-east to the Brunei capital, Bandar Seri Begawan, and the Sultan's palace.
But, while Flintoff had escaped onto decent roads and was making good time, the river had spat me out closer to the finish.
The Bagheera was well back in the fight.
Come on! Next stop, the Sultan of Brunei's palace! I have got to win this! Oh, it's singing.
69 horsepower.
And they're all charging right now.
It's got to beat Paddy.
No way we can be beaten by Paddy.
This is going to fly to the palace.
I've got this covered! Oh! It's horrendous.
Oh, that is deep.
That is deep.
Urgh! Oh! Not felt stress like it.
Oh, God.
When does this road get any better?! Which way? Turn left, please.
Where? font color="#00 Hey, is It's the highway now.
Is this the motorway? Yeah.
Oh, here we come.
We're getting on the highway.
Now we're talking.
Look at us, this is the fastest I've been in it so far.
Yeah But there's no way that Paddy going through the way he's gone can be going this fast.
Come on, the Allegro! Tarmac.
Yes, yes, yes, yes! Let's go! Now we're talking.
Let's open the taps.
Come on! We are motoring! This road is fantastic! And my odds were about to improve even more.
RATTLING Can you hear that rattle from the engine now, can't you? What's that? It's starting to get hot.
Oh, there's a bit of smoke.
Smoke? Yeah.
Are we getting smoke? Oh, no.
We're dying.
I'm losing power.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Smell that? Oh, yeah.
Geez! Wh Just getting hot, mate.
Just overheating.
Just time, though, isn't it? Yeah.
And we've got no idea where Paddy is.
What I'm looking for is a really massive bridge.
The Gurkhas said, once you're at that, you know you're in Bandar.
Got to get to the Bandar Bridge.
Do you know what? I reckon, we've got the radiator here, this is blocking it.
The number plate.
We flatten it, might get more air in.
Yeah.
font colo Push it down.
There's bits hanging off, lost my rear view mirror, lost me air vents.
GEARS GRIND Oh, God, come on, gears.
Front bumper's fallen off.
I forgot about that.
Me Matra sign's fallen off the back.
God, come on.
I haven't even seen any signs yet.
That's it, crack on, the Allegro.
The suspension on the front left's gone.
The foot well down there, where my feet are, is boiling hot.
But it's still moving.
It's still chugging on.
I just don't know for how much longer.
If I'm not mistaken .
.
THIS IS A BIG BRIDGE! I'm in Bandar! In the Bagheera! Surely be, we're getting closer now, look.
We're off the motorway, we're going through the city, I can see the signs.
Take a left, yeah.
font color=" Bandar Seri Begawan.
We're getting closer.
Come on! GEARS LURCH No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Not now.
Not now, not here.
Oh, God.
The lights have turned red.
GEARS SCREECH HORNS HONK Sorry! Coming over.
Oh! Is that it? Yes, thank you.
Oh, God, has it jumped out again? HORNS HONK Going to have to try a hard start in second.
Sorry! Oh! FREDDIE GROANS Just find one, big, last push.
Please, please, please.
Where is it? I mean, it's a palace, how can I miss a palace? How close? How close? Somewhere around here.
What, we're close to the palace? Come on! Let's do it for the Gurkhas, Bagheera.
Come on! There's traffic around now.
Come on, move! GEARS SCREECH Whoa! That's not sounding good.
Do I change to fourth? Do I risk it? Oh, I risked it! He's done it! Come on.
Come on, Palace.
Left.
Left.
Oh, you are kidding me.
You are absolutely kidding me.
HE LAUGHS Aye, Paddy.
Hey? Yous no way you've gone through the jungle.
No way.
Ask the lads, ask the Gurkhas.
How's that got here before that? Oh.
Oh.
See, soon as you get here with that, this happens.
Is he in? We've, erm I've bought it for the Sultan.
No, no, no, don't bring it here.
Shall I leave the keys with you? No, no, no, no.
Shall I leave them in the ignition? You can't park there.
I'll leave them in here.
Park over there.
He's saying go.
Get in the car.
Get in the car.
Unbelievable, boys.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Had a good time with you.
Thank you.
Boys.
It's been a pleasure.
Been a pleasure, lads.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well done.
Well done.
Impressive cars, them.
Impressive.
I am absolutely staggered they survived.
What we've learned is, if you want to cross a jungle, you don't need a 4x4, what you need is a knackered, old car and a highly trained team of Gurkhas? They were good lads.
/f They were great lads, weren't they? Good lads.
Unbelievable.
Very good lads.
But the cars, I mean, the Bagheera, how on Earth did it survive? It was amazing! Everything that we've thrown at that car, it just carried on going.
And the Allegro, you know, the most unreliable car in history, you found the only reliable one ever made.
I got to like it more and more as the journey went on.
That was British Leyland at its finest.
Well, Chris, now it's down to you to choose which is the best of our rare cars.
It's like choosing between two really ugly children.
LAUG Ooh! Erm I can't Look, I have to give it Yeah.
.
.
to the Allegro.
What?! Yes! I didn't see that coming! Get in! Get in, Paddy! Oh! Yes! The Allegro! It's all right, Paddy.
He had off-road tyres on it! You did well.
OK, look, you're double denim and you're angr Shocked.
You're angry.
But the fact is the Allegro's an object of hate and it succeeded at something in its life.
I've got to say, I fell in love with the Allegro myself.
Me too and the Bagheera just kept going.
You never thought it would get through that terrain, how low it was at the start.
Yep.
Both did well.
LAUGHTER I presume you've left them in the jungle, right? No, we were never going to leave them for the Sultan, were we? No Not a chance.
So, instead, we shipped our rare car heroes back home and we've given them a lick of paint just to freshen them up.
Bring them in, lads.
In they come.
In they come.
I love this car.
I love this car.
Come on! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWN SPEECH Yeah! I love this car.
Beautiful.
That's all for tonight.
We'll see you next week.
Thanks for watching.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE