Top Gear (2002) s27e03 Episode Script

Series 27, Episode 3

1 APPLAUSE Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
Hello and welcome to Top Gear.
And tonight it's the show where Freddie nearly kills all three of us.
Paddy, it was a little crash.
And, besides, it was your daft idea in the first place.
Lurch does make a valid point here.
Lurch?! He does, OK? You've only got yourself to blame.
It wasn't a daft idea.
It was a genius idea.
I reckoned I could find the ultimate second-hand family car on the cheap and then I went out and bought myself one.
Families of Great Britain, you can thank me later.
Makes you feel alive driving a car like this.
Fred will love it for the space and Chris just for the drive quality.
Whatever it is, it better be good.
HORN TOOTS Hey! What are you doing? What's wrong with you? What are you doing? What are you doing? The ultimate family car, my friends.
1,300 quid for a Daimler - posh and cheap, a bit like you two.
"Family"? Yeah! What, Addams Family? 1,300 quid for a Daimler, lads.
And your idea is that this is family transport? Absolutely.
/ A hearse? Yeah.
So, you'd put your kids in the back of that? Look at the room.
It's not a case of room.
Of course it is.
That's what all family cars are about - space, getting things in the back, in and out easy, comfortable to drive, beautiful.
Death! Yeah.
I've got something for you.
Oh, there she is.
Have a look under there, Christopher.
/font Hey! Now, look at his little face! Is that a 3.
2 or a 4 litre? Four litre.
Is it? Straight six.
font color="#00ffff Look at him.
Look, he's changing already.
Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, can I stop you? Don't humour him.
Look at you, he's getting into it.
I knew he'd like that.
Here, Fred.
Have a look at that.
Eh? Yeah? Shopping.
Get yourself in here.
What are you, seven foot? Look at that, easy.
Look at that! Where's he gone? Where's He's in there.
Look at the storage.
Why are you in there? That's where dead people go! Look at that.
How's that for you? Yeah, room for all the cricket bags in for the kids.
Are you claustropho? It doesn't matter.
Don't worry about it, he's all right.
In fact, listen to that now.
BANGING/fon Oh, he's freaking out.
You're coming out.
He's freaking out.
He's freaking out.
Are you all right, son? It stinks in here, by the way.
It stinks! Yeah, let's get him out.
Here you are.
Now, look at that.
Don't forget me, Chris, I can't I don't want to end up in the back for real, do I? Eh? Bloody hell! Get in, I'll take you out for a drive.
I'll change your mind.
It just smells of death.
Forget that.
I'll get a magic tree from a petrol station or something.
Prepare to be impressed.
It's wet down here, Paddy.
Why is it wet down there? You don't want to know what that is.
Tears! Here we go, boys.
Straight six engine, silky smooth, 240bhp.
I can see some of the appeal of the six-cylinder engine.
I like the Daimler name.
Also, I love the XJ40 dashboard.
I mean, that was space age.
This is the classic Jaguar J-Gate from the mid '90s, so, what you do, these are your normal driving modes and you go across to the sport mode.
Now you can select gears manually.
But how many miles has she done? 140,000.
That's a lot.
It is a lot in a normal car.
But that's 140,000 death miles.
Death miles? And that's meant to sell it? That's meant to sell it to me? Death miles? The most gentlest, lovely, respectful miles you can have.
This car's never been pushed.
Paddy, what are those down there? They don't look normal.
Now, I'm so glad you've asked that.
You've gone to the supermarket, right? You've got your Viennettas and your lollies in the back.
You get home to the kids, they're excited - it's all melted.
This, in the back, pull them out .
cooling system in the back, air con.
Keeps everything cold.
Why is there a cooling? Oh, my Clearly, the hearse was something special.
I wouldn't want to be seen dead in this car.
And to find out just how special, we've been told to head to the track for a chance to show what the ultimate family car could really do.
Eurgh! There's a comb! Yeah, that's mine.
That's why it's falling out.
That's why.
That's mine.
Have you seen the mung on that? Look at that.
Oh, no, that isn't mine.
That isn't No! Get off! Oh, no! Eyes on the road! No! As I was saying, we'd been told to head to the track for the chance to show what the ultimate family car can really do.
That is just a lot of vanilla.
Eyes right, boys.
Eyes right.
All right? "Time to test your hearse against some actual family cars.
"These, according to What Car? magazine, are the finest "on the market today.
" That's a joke in itself.
"You will now take them on in the Last Space Race.
" Oh, yes.
Recreating a battle played out a thousand times a day in every supermarket car park across the land .
this would be a drag race to the last three parking spaces.
But first .
me and Harris had to choose our own family car to take on the hearse.
Now, I've decided that I'm going to go for the one that looks slow but is, in fact, I think, the quickest - the VW Touran.
Whoa! Choose your own.
I'm going to beat you in the Kia Sportage.
As long as one of us beats the hearse.
Not one of us - both of us, Chris.
Eh? Lads, I don't want to put you off, but in the car next to me is Damon Hill.
Hey, Freddie, I think Damon's won a Sports Personality Of The Year as well.
It's not something I like to bang on about, Paddy, to be honest.
To be fair, Damon's won it twice, though.
So, effectively, you're not even the most popular sportsman in a family-car drag race.
Have a bit of that, Damon.
Have a bit of that.
Flick it into sport mode.
Never mind Damon Hill.
Put him out of your mind.
It's all about the hearse.
Beat the hearse.
Drop that flag, sunshine.
Come on Ooh, straight off the line! Fastest off the line.
It's nothing, this car.
It's nothing.
It's a good start for Damon.
He's off.
It's a good start, but I've got him.
I've got him.
Oh, my God, look at the hearse.
Come on, Daimler! I'm at the back.
No, come on, move! Look at the hearse! Look at the hearse! Look at the hearse! Undertaker doing a bit of overtaking.
Oh, not Paddy McGuinness.
Not in the hearse.
Right, three spaces.
I'm definitely second or third.
I'm going for that left spot.
Got to go for that left spot.
You little swine! Yes.
Oh, my God, it's not stopping.
Oh, my God, it's not stopping! Ooh.
PADDY LAUGHS I have just beat Damon Hill in a drag race in a hearse.
Don't, don't, don't.
Oh, Little and Large, glad you could make it.
Basically what's happened while you were pootling down there is we've just had a race.
It's not whether you win, it's h How much is your motor? What would you say? New.
Oh, 27,500, 33,000 as tested.
It's just beat you.
It's a Daimler.
It's edging its way up to being the ultimate family car, boys.
It's not! Why is a family car the car that is fastest in a d Well It's like building a library in Bolton, it's pointl I get it, lads.
I get it.
You were nowhere near and you're a little bit bitter, you're a little bit angry.
Ey up.
You all right? Oh, God, here we go.
"Because any good family car must carry a lot of stuff in its life, "next up is a boot space challenge" Oh, no! ".
where you will pack your cars with as many kilos of family stuff "as you can.
" Look at the size of it! "Whoever has the most is the winner.
" If there's one car that was built for moving things, it was this! Have you written these challenges? Have you written these challenges? It's just becoming more and more Can we be clear about one thing? It's not necessarily how big your car is, it's how you pack.
When you go away on a family holiday, there's a strategy to packing and I think you're a bit gung ho and a bit overconfident.
I think some clever packaging in these very practical cars could still win this.
Yes, I actually think he's onto something th Now, do you want to swap your car? You can swap your car.
I don't mind.
You can take Hill's Berlingo for all I care.
Damon! So, the challenge was simple.
Before us lay everything you'd ever expect a good family car to carry.
Our job was to cram as much of it in as we could HOOTER BLOWS .
in just ten minutes.
And I had, let's be honest, nothing to worry about.
Look at the space! Because while strategic Harris was taking things seriously Neat and tidy is the way forward.
unfortunately, he'd parked too close to a man who wasn't.
Are you going for it, Harris? No, you can't These look heavy.
You! Yeah, that will do.
Just back up to the old ladies.
Go away! Chris, Chris, Chris There's your keys.
Ladies, I'm a bit of a gentleman, so I'd never ask anybody how old they are, but who's heaviest? No, you can't ask that.
Oh! I'm just giving these ladies Paddy, you can't/fo Giving these ladies a hug.
Yeah, come on, come with me, madam.
There you go.
That's it.
Here you go, Pat.
Make yourself at home.
Have a potato, have a swede.
Over there, that's Sir Freddie Flintoff.
No, I need weight.
As you can see No.
he's not very well-adjusted.
Let him get out the way.
He's not safe.
Right, I'm not sure I can do much more.
With just a minute left on the clock, and all three cars almost full, it looked like my strategy might just be paying off.
Until, all of a sudden Paddy, Paddy.
it wasn't.
Let's empty it.
No, no! Go on, Paddy! Go on, Paddy! Go on, Paddy! Let's put this in the car.
Hey, I've got something.
It was funny this morning, wasn't it, with my head? Put him in, bit of ballast.
BLEEP! Don't worry if you hear anybody in the back, madam.
It's just Chris Harris.
HOOTER BLOWS Where did they find you? You're an animal.
You're an animal.
Everything all right, boys? All right, Pad? LAUGHTER Perfect shape for his head.
Just perfect.
Like, bang.
Full teapot here.
Full teapot! I'm not bothered.
You are feral.
If you were a cat, they'd spay you.
You should not be allowed to reproduce.
You're all kinds of wrong.
You've picked me up, rag-dolled me round, you've thrown me into a coffin hole and locked me there and, answer me this, how did you manage to cut my head with a melon? Never mind that, you find it funny when I get a heavy wooden latch on my head.
I attack you with a soft fruit and, look at him, he's whingeing, isn't he? Using Chris as a juicer aside, it still .
it is a perfect shape, isn't it? You can really get a good squeeze on that.
It's still 2-0 to the hearse.
Right, won the Last Space Race challenge, won the loading-up challenge.
I've told you, UFC - Ultimate Family Car.
Well, we'll see just how ultimate later in the show.
Oh, he's off again.
But, first, a question.
Bugatti Veyron, the gorgeous Alfa 8C, and a Haas Formula 1 car.
Can anyone tell me which car company connects all of these? No, but I think I know a man who is.
I'm going to tell you.
Draw up the comfy chair, Patrick.
I will.
Allow me to introduce Dallara .
the greatest car company you've never heard of.
For half a century, in a small corner of Italy, its engineers have helped to create some of the world's greatest automotive hits.
But now .
Dallara has decided to take centre stage.
This is the Stradale.
That's Italian for road.
Yes, this is a road car.
But, really, you want to get it on a track.
Whoo! What a little thing.
0-60 takes just over three seconds.
Flat out, it will do 174mph.
But, in the Stradale, it's how eager it is to get there that really gets your blood pumping.
Put your foot down and it just picks up straight away.
A little racing car with a number plate.
God, the brakes are handy, too.
And that's because the Stradale is light.
Really light.
Dallara has built the Stradale almost entirely of carbon fibre.
The skeleton and bodywork are carbon fibre, most of the interior, even the cup-holder.
All in, this car tips the scales at a race-car-rivalling 900 kilos, and the motorsport know-how doesn't end there.
You know what separates proper race cars from just the regular fast stuff? It's not power.
It's downforce.
This car is all about the downforce.
Flat out, the Stradale makes a mighty 800 kilos of the stuff.
Those massive scoops behind the wheels, that enormous rear wing, they're manipulating the airflow over the car to literally stick it to the surface of the track.
And that means it can do this.
That's proper grip! You can literally feel the weight of the air pushing the car down.
It's like a paper dart.
This thing is so sharp.
Dallara says this will produce lateral forces of 2G.
It's race car G-force.
It's the kind of G-force that makes you feel like your brain's about to leak out of your ears.
Oh, yes! Woohoo.
Impressive stuff, but the Stradale does have a couple of problems.
Firstly .
they don't seem to have quite finished the doors.
Give me a second.
Right, if I'm being honest, it's not the most elegant supercar to look at.
And, whilst the interior's very well made, there'snot much of it.
Put it this way - if you want sat nav and music, you'd better make sure that your passenger can read a map and sing.
Plus, this Stradale will set you back £200,000, which isa lot.
Especially for a car that isn't fitted with a V12 or a V10 or a V8 or even a V6.
No, it's powered by a four-cylinder engine from a Ford.
But .
in a machine where every gram counts, .
a four-cylinder Ford engine .
is exactly what this car needs.
That little 2.
3 litre turbo-four, that provides maximum power for minimum weight.
400 horsepower is plenty to get on with when you've got 900kg.
This is the antidote to all those big, pudgy, fat, overweight hyper-cars.
Dallara's doing it right.
This is a supercar for the chassis enthusiast.
I know that sounds a bit niche, a bit like having a thing for elbows, but if you care more about how a car drives than how it sounds, if you care more about steering feel than Instagram likes, then this could well be the supercar for you.
Whoo! Look at that! My name is Chris Harris and I am a chassis enthusiast.
That is a fantastic little car.
Delicate, fast.
Now, I know, Chris, you're a massive chassis enthusiast and I'm sure this car is amazing to drive, but it's 200 grand.
It's got a Ford engine.
It's got a name no-one's heard of and as much power as a hot hatch.
I'm with Fred on this one.
If you're spending 200 grand on a car, you want people to stop and stare.
You don't want them to stop and Google what the hell it is.
This is a car for someone that wants to be connected to the driving experience, not a peacock from Cheshire.
It's a great car.
It's gorgeous.
But how quick is it around the track? Very.
The Stig took it out earlier today and you can see the lap online, but how fast do you think it is? How far up this board are we going, Chris? It's going beyond I think it's up here.
Well, that's not that far, is it? Right up there.
I walked straight into that, didn't I?/font I've got the results, and I can tell you the Dallara Stradale Stradale? .
Stradale went round our track in one minute Yeah, get it out.
12 Ooh! .
point eight! Whoa! The second-fastest round the track.
Wow! Does that surprise you? Yeah, I didn't think it would be that quick.
Well done, little car.
That is very quick, very quick.
Right, time to meet our celebrity guests who tonight are sporting royalty - Zara and Mike Tindall.
Here's what happened when they arrived at our track earlier today.
Look who's here.
Look who's here.
Hi, guys.
Hello, how are you.
I'm good.
font color="# What we have here is the width restrictor challenge, OK, guys? So, we've got two sturdy width restrictors here and they're about seven feet apart, which gives you about an inch either side of the wing mirrors to get through.
The winner is the one that goes through there quickest as according to that speed gun.
You each have to choose a partner in crime, or ballast or whichever way you look at it.
I'm going to choose theracing driver.
Yes! Him? That's a mistake.
I've chosen to go with who I think is probably the most reckless.
Bit awkward, Paddy.
Right, OK, let's go.
Get a crash helmet.
OK, here's the strategy.
You can't lift.
You have to just go flat out the whole way there.
Why are you fixing the rear view mirror? I don't know.
/font Are you ready, Chris? Yeah, we're ready.
Just bury your foot.
There she goes.
Oh, it's a bit slow.
This is a real Jaguar, an XJ V8.
Listen to that V8 purring.
Here they come.
They're coming.
Come to me a little bit.
Come to me a little bit.
Right, here we go.
Here we go! And suddenly it's coming at us quite quickly.
Oh, oh, oh, oh! Keep going, keep going! Oh, no! And she nearly got the camera! It's not broken.
Oh, dear.
Look at her.
Sm Whoa! Hey! Yes! Can we just check the wing mirror, please? Oh, it's still on.
There is nothing wrong with that wing mirror.
It still on, it's all right, Chris.
Zara, that was fast.
That was fast.
How fast was it? I stopped looking after 90.
She was buried the whole way.
Didn't lift at all.
Really? Didn't lift.
font color That's fast.
That's pretty fast, that's pretty fast.
/font I tell you something as well, I think you're in with a chance because look at the size of these two.
I know.
There's an instant half a tonne added on to the car.
Right, in you get, boys.
Best of luck to you.
We're going.
What's the tactic, then? Just don't lift off? Yeah.
I hope he smashes it.
Here they come.
Here we go.
Now coming up to 80.
Don't lift off.
Oh, my God.
That's fast.
Go, go, go, go, go! Go on, Mike! Oh! LAUGHTER That is definitely That is definitely discounted.
Yes! It's a reasonable shunt, that.
Well, do you want the good news or the bad news? There is no bad news, Paddy.
It's all good.
I'll give you the good news first.
It was fast? Very, very, very fast.
Bad news - doesn't count.
You're disqualified because you broke the wing mirror.
Anyhow, you've won that.
It's all about the lap now.
It's all about the lap.
Ladies and gentlemen, fresh from causing carnage on the track, Zara and Mike Tindall.
Was it fun? Was it fun? Sit yourselves down.
Mike, you took a chunk out of the bollard there, my friend.
Well, we were generally having a chat about what would happen if we just smashed straight through it, me and Fred, and I think it was still in my head about whether I could turn into it just before.
Cos I know you've got a bit of a history.
I mean, you crashed a car at the age of five.
You were supposed to crash them, they were dodgems.
Oh, you were in a dodgem.
Is that when you first broke your nose? Without your seat belt on.
How many times have you broke your Eight.
Eight times? I assume they broke it when they straightened it as well, so nine.
It did end up looking like that bollard that you hit before.
It was very similar.
Pretty much, it was.
The old nose, I could have probably nestled it in and got a nice shape to it.
Pulled the shape back out.
Any other sporting injuries from your career? I have, yeah, a few.
Best sounding one is when I landed on the back of Lee Byrne's heel and broke two of my ribs, punctured my lung and lacerated my liver.
Ooh! You lacerated your liver? Yeah.
I was in intensive care for five days.
Have you ever picked up any injuries like that in cricket, Fred? Like cutting yourself on a cucumber sandwich or I've over-eaten a few times.
But, Zara, you drive stuff bigger now.
You've got an HGV licence.
I do.
I can drive my truck.
Cos we all drive our horses around, we drive them to competitions, so we need a big vehicle to obviously get them to the competitions and all their kit and all our kit, so, yeah, I love it.
HE IMPERSONATES HORN Yeah! I've got one question about transporting horses.
/font It's a big animal, they need to hydrate, but if they have a big wee when you're on the road, where does the wee go? They stop at the services.
What do you Are you competitive in the car, you two? No.
Who wants to be driving? If we go out together, I'll generally drive, won't I? Oh, here we go! Yeah.
Just cos she likes a drink.
Oh, my God Generally, I would drive, but, yeah, it's not Normally because I'm putting food in the back seat, trying to keep a child quiet.
Who's got the bragging rights over the stereo? What do you listen to? He loves a musical.
Oh, no! Get in! What's your favourite, Mike? Sit back, lads.
We've got this.
What's your favourite? See, Rock Of Ages, I do enjoy.
Obviously, A Star Is Born is big at the moment.
I'd love to see you two at a West End musical, sat there.
# This is the greatest show! # Anyway, the lap.
Mike, you've won a Rugby World Cup.
Zara, you're an eventing world champion.
But this is the big one.
This is the Top Gear track.
Well, it's 1-0 so far cos you obviously won the width restrictor challenge.
I'm happy I got on the board.
Zara, who do the family want to win? Me.
Oh, of course they do.
Hello! And to add a little bit of spice to the lap, we decided that you are going to go in the cars together.
We're going to have a look at Zara's lap first, but, before we do, we're just going to have a look at one of your practice laps.
Would you care to talk us through what happened here, Zara, please? No lifting! No lifting! Oh! That was your no lifting.
Well, that's a performance lap.
I do like the fact that immediately it was his fault for telling you not to lift.
I love the fact that you were just having a nice conversation as the car was spinning.
Yeah, utterly fearless.
Anyway, who would like to see Zara's timed lap? Yes, come on.
Let's have a look.
Off the line.
Good, solid start, that, I think.
Good, solid start.
Yes! A little bit slower because you've got basically about four bags of potatoes next to you.
Exactly! Thank you.
Slowing you down.
The line's good and the car looks quick.
Does it? It does.
Yes! Gear change is right.
You've run a bit wide there, a bit too wide.
Bring it back in.
Let's go! Change! Come on! I've seen you drive faster to Waitrose.
Braking That's always a good sign, when you trigger those hazard warning lights, that means you're at the maximum braking.
And also seeing the circuit, cos it's so flat, knowing where the corners are is quite tricky as well.
You can't see them.
SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE Now the Follow-Through.
This is good.
And it's a damp surface.
This is where I clench my buttocks.
That's a thought! Whoo! Oh, lovely, though.
I think this is quick, my love.
Second to last.
I don't think you can go much quicker through there.
That's a fantastic line.
Using all the circuit.
Oh, oh, oh Argh! This is good, look.
A bit of a bump.
Yeah, gone.
I think you're nervous.
I am! Are you nervous? I just wanted to make the Stig proud.
You wanted to make the Stig proud? You will.
You can see the lap board.
Where do you think you're going to be, Zara? Who are you eyeing up on there? I hope I've beaten Frankie Dettori.
That would make my day.
For obvious reasons.
Zara, I can tell you, you went round our track in one minute It makes me nervous when you've looked down I'm looking at it You could have gone Instead of starting at the top, he started at the bottom.
I'm good at poker as well.
One minute, 40 .
one .
point six.
Good effort.
I think that's OK.
Wow, that's good.
Up there.
That's good, Zara.
That's good.
On a damp.
Well above Dettori.
On a damp.
You were on a damp.
That's a great time.
Dettori who? Shall we have a look at Mike's lap? Yes, come on.
Let's have a look.
Good luck.
Right, off the line.
Come on, come on, come on! Well, it's your own weight slowing you down this time, so we can't really blame anyone for that, can we? You've run wide there, bit too wide.
Windscreen wipers were put on for effect - it wasn't really raining, was it? That's a good line.
Direction change into Chicago.
Oh, I'm in fourth, BLEEP! He's triggered those lights again.
That's good.
I feel like you're harder on the brakes than I was.
I love the way you've put the windscreen wipers on to make us think that you think it's wet, but it's not.
It was raining! It was bone dry.
That's sunshine.
There's sunshine on the car.
I've got this, baby.
I've got this.
Oh, a bit of oversteer, showboating.
You lifted off.
Lifted off! I didn't lift off.
You did.
I wanted to get a lap in.
Ah! He likes to get the backend moving around, doesn't he? That's really good through there, that's a very fast line.
Through Gambon.
Yeah, that looked quick.
Got there in the end.
But I wouldn't want to call it.
What are you thinking, Mike? Do you think you've beat her? That's too close to call, too close to call.
Do you think?/ Yes.
If you're saying that If I'm somewhere around there, I'd be happy.
Zara is 1-0 up already.
They are both damp laps.
She's hammered me.
Damp? It was sunny.
He's got a D as well, but, Mike Tindall, I can tell you, you went round the track in one minute .
40 .
point five.
Oh, well done.
Well done.
Oh! Just above Jason Manford.
That's a good lap.
Very good lap.
And that's damp as well.
So, let's just say, if you're weather-adjusted, you're getting up towards the Ross Nobles of this world, I think.
I'm happy to give you that one.
Ladies and gentlemen, Zara and Mike Tindall.
Now, Paddy, earlier on, you were trying to convince us that 1,300 quid gets you a Daimler hearse as the ultimate family car.
I'm going to tell you, I think you might be on to something.
Thank you.
But Fred and I reckoned it could be even more ultimate.
So, we took the hearse off to make a few, minor upgrades and, a few days later, met up with Paddy in Tenby.
Go on, Tenby.
I cannot wait to show Paddy what we've done to this car.
HORN TOOTS PADDY CHUCKLES Oh! The boys, look what they've done! HORN BEEPS Let's show him I can't wait.
this genius.
I knew it had potential, but I didn't know it had this much potential.
First of all, pop that bonnet.
OK, that is a 350 horsepower Lexus V8 straight out of an LS400.
ENGINE REVS This is now the best sounding car in the car park.
Paddy, just feast your eyes down here.
Look at this.
A splitter.
It's just a little thing, it makes such a difference.
Little things count, don't they? And the colour - Volvo Polestar blue.
The great combination - Volvo, safety, family safety, Polestar, racing.
In a colour, blue.
I've got to tell you, lads, I like it.
And so he should because this was no longer a hearse.
This was the Overtaker.
And, to make it, we also blagged all-terrain tyres, a massive rear spoiler, quad exhausts, a ball pool for when the kids are good and, for when they're not, a naughty step.
1,300 quid! Look at all that for 1,300 quid.
Do you think we've taken your idea - which we now agree was quite clever - and we've run with it? Absolutely.
You all right? "Your ultimate family car will now face the ultimate test - "a family holiday in Wales.
" Oh! Love it.
"Along the way, you will tackle the best in the family car business.
"First, head down to the beach for some bucket and spading.
" Fingers crossed we do a bit of crabbing as well.
Right, get in, lads.
I've got to say, I love that starter button, boys.
Do you want to press it? May I? Yeah, of course.
Go on.
You're good to go.
Go on.
So began the Overtaker's maiden voyage and what might just be the first family holiday ever where everyone was actually looking forward to the drive.
The Etch A Sketch! Oh, yes, nature's iPad.
Yep, we'd even packed stuff to keep the kids quiet while the grown-ups talk.
I tell you what, I can just feel it rumbling underneath my right foot.
I think most of the residents of Tenby can as well! Like an AMG.
But, in an AMG, you don't get one of these.
Oh, boys! It's like the school tuck shop.
Liquorice Allsorts, Haribos, Sports Mixture Double Deckers.
The one thing I'm glad you've not put in there is a Turkish Delight.
The devil's work.
That is basically a chocolate-covered toilet block.
It is horrendous.
Now, this is very important.
I'm going to show you our onboard Hoover.
Oh, thank God that's what that is! When you pulled that out from in between your legs, I thought, "What is he using that for?" Soon, in some typically British weather, we arrived at our first family holiday stop-off - the beach.
Here we go, boys.
This is the life.
Our first family holiday in Wales.
Look at it! And lying in wait Hang on, hang on, hang on.
was our first rival.
What the hell's that? That is an AMG E63 S Estate.
Oh! We can't see.
Fred, follow him.
That cheeky That was cheeky! Our first challenge would be a fastest-lap battle against the Merc on a specially designed course right on the sand.
Because, in the world of family cars, the E63 is the daddy of them all.
And, if that wasn't enough, this one was manned by a family of rival holiday-makers.
OK, Stig, are you ready? Take that as a yeah? Think it's a yeah.
Three, two, one, go! 0-60 in 3.
5 seconds.
He is using Look, he's going sideways.
You know what? Over 100 grand, that car.
For an estate car.
Not sure I'm having that.
I'm not sure I'm having that.
That thing's got twice the power this thing's got.
Look at him, he's coming in now.
Where's he going? What's he doing? He's gone.
Harris, 1:09.
That's the time you've got to beat.
Do not let us down.
He's got no chance.
I know.
Three, two, one, go.
She's a bit sluggish off the line.
Slow and steady wins the race.
It's a thing of beauty.
Where's he going? He's getting it sideways round that first one.
Yes, come on! The Overtaker! I tell you what, to be fair, he's done all right there.
There she goes.
Go on, Harris! Go on, Harris! Go on, sunshine! Now, this is where it gets tricky now, as he comes into the canoes.
Watch this.
Come on! You can feel the victory.
Go on! And over the line.
Lost a few balls.
That felt fast.
It wasn't bad, Harris.
I think that's a great effort.
We got very close.
You were five seconds slower, but if we equate that to pounds and pence, the Overtaker's cost us 1,300 quid.
That E63 is over £100,000, so I'm putting this down as a moral victory for us.
So, that's 1-0 to the Overtaker, which meant we could get back to enjoying our holiday.
You can buy 80 of these for the price of the E63.
80? 80.
What do you reckon you could get for it? I reckon you could get four grand.
Four grand? I'm really into what we've achieved here, lads, but if you think you could get £4,000 for this car, you've been smoking something.
Three and a half, then.
Although what we wouldn't be telling any prospective buyers is the new 4-litre V8 does make the thing a bit thirstier.
Now, don't tell me you don't love a bit of filler bingo.
Full gas on the pump, furthest away from the next £10 loses.
So, you've just got one lift, that's it.
One lift.
Yeah, on 0-10, 10-20, 20-30.
The loser consumes Oh, God, no.
You're sick.
I'm going to leave that there as a warning.
Ugh! There's something wrong with you, Harris.
Not the Turkish Delight! Three, two, one, go.
Go on, Harris.
It's a fast one, this, Paddy.
This is fast.
Isn't it fast? Seven, eight Nine, ten! 11, 12, 13, 14 Oh, he's miles away! It's away.
He's nowhere near.
Miles away, Paddy! 9.
Right, I'm on.
Here we go.
16 I beg to differ on the stupidity.
18, 19 Nowhere near! 76! I'm going to win! No, no! He's having the Turkish! I bottled it.
He's having the Turkish! How can you get 70s? 2p behind.
That's got in my head.
I've never felt pressure like this.
You need to get within 22p of the next £10.
Go! No feathering, Paddy.
21, 22, 24, 25.
Stop! 49! You put me off! You shouted stop and he went He stopped! He stopped! Oh Come on, let's see it.
Oh, the old chocolate-covered toilet block.
Oh, I can smell it from here.
LAUGHTER This is not what I signed up for.
I don't feel good, boys.
I don't feel good.
I do.
Back on the road, we'd been told to head inland for our next test.
I've got the chess board, boys.
That is brilliant.
But, because Flintoff is basically a giant toddler, almost immediately, he needed a wee.
And that meant Harris' next test was, well, nothing to do with the car.
Yeah, it all came out all right.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Oh, God.
Do you mind if I just wipe my hands? No! No! Covered in piss! Oh, no, he's not happy.
He's gone.
He's not happy.
Get in the driving seat, Pad.
Once Harris had towelled off, we got back on our way.
I mean We're going to be quiet for a few minutes.
I don't want to hear a word out of either of you.
I'll go on the Etch A Sketch.
PADDY WHISTLES Soon, we were closing in on our next family car showdown.
And, worryingly, this one looked hilly.
Oh, hello.
Hey, I've got one of them.
I've got a Discovery.
You've wh I've got a Discovery.
Are you blind? What's wrong with a Discovery? It's a terrible looking car.
It's the worst piece of car design of the last five years.
It's the best off-road family car there is.
How often do you go off-road in it? I'm not disputing that, I'm saying how can you say that's ugly? It's a fantastic looking car.
That's a great looking car? It's really not.
font c Look at the back end.
You've been spoiled, Harris.
f Paddy.
He is right, he's right.
Who's this? Hello.
What? What? Are you sure you don't need that? Dogger.
Wind the window up quick.
"No family holiday would be complete without a night "in the great outdoors.
"You will now race to your campsite atop that hill.
" Oh, yes, our rival holiday-makers were back for an off-road showdown.
Our campsite was on the other side of the valley, across four, gruelling miles of challenging terrain.
Up against the world's most capable family off-roader and armed with nothing more than a big compass, the Overtaker had its work cut out.
And, to make matters worse, Flintoff was at the wheel.
Three, two, one Go, go, go! Straight on? No, to the right.
To the right! This is not an off-road vehicle.
Go, go! Come on! Typically, Stig was taking the direct route.
And we had no hope of following in the Overtaker.
Go easy.
Go easy with the car.
It's a prototype! Oh! So, while the Discovery was being fired straight at the countryside .
we would need to stick to the tracks.
If you see a right, take it.
keep up the pace Jesus BLEEP BLEEP! .
and stay out of trouble.
Stay off the edges.
Trust me and trust the car.
Normally, I'd say use your common sense, but you quite clearly don't have any.
A couple of miles in, the Stig's route was getting stickier.
And the Discovery was slowing down.
To the right! To the right! With Freddie still pushing hard, this race was on.
We'll catch him, we'll catch him.
Don't get carried away with your speed.
All right, Chris, I've got this.
Up to the right, here.
To t Paddy, are you all right? Paddy, you all right? Luckily, Paddy was all right.
But, more importantly, the same couldn't be said for the Overtaker.
I'm not a mechanic, but in technical terms .
that's BLEEP.
At the hands of two stupid, incompetent, cack-handed idiots, our ultimate family car dream was dead.
1,300 quid .
down the pan.
Or perhaps not.
Because, with the family car score now 1-1, there was still one test left.
And, overnight, those two stupid, incompetent, cack-handed idiots had been busy.
Look, we promised him we'd fix it.
We have.
And now he gets to drive it.
We can't do more than that, can we? It's not how he imagined it, though, is it? Look at it.
The rule is - you bend it, you mend it.
Ooh You all right, Pad? It's not the prettiest, is it? It's a miracle it's still working.
What exactly have you done to it? Well, we've taken all the windows out.
Yeah, I've seen that.
This still works, look.
That will come in handy.
Too soon.
Too soon.
We've got it going - that's pretty much it, Paddy, to be honest.
Well, go on, then, jump out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's happened to the doors? This is the Dukes Of Hazzard model.
I'm Bo, he's Luke.
No, you come out the side, Freddie.
What family car do you have to get in and out of the windscreen? Don't walk on it, Fred! I mean, there's a little part of me is impressed that you've managed to get the roof back on.
How little is that part? Very little.
You all right? Hello.
"The most important aspect of any family car is safety.
" Are you listening? "To test how safe your ultimate family car really is, "you will now compete n Britain's crashiest motorsport - "banger racing.
" Hold that.
You're not driving this and you're not driving this.
Leave it to me.
Out the way.
How do I get in again? Can I help you? Not sure how that's helping.
Go on, go on.
Get your head in.
You've basically put me in the position I were in the last time I were in the car! Jesus Christ! So, with the Overtaker somehow back from the dead, it was now heading straight in to the most unforgiving test of them all.
And to help keep it out of the grave it had just been dug up from, I'd been given two stupid, incompetent, cack-handed idiots as outriders.
Harris, where do you want me? I think I want you left rear gunner.
I'll go right.
But there was one more added challenge - heading up the competition was the safest family car of them all - an old Volvo estate.
And at the wheel of this Swedish tank Hello, my patty-pattycake.
Oh, God, it's the German.
I thought they got rid of her.
Hi, Sabine.
Good to see you.
I came all the way from Germany to meet you.
Bang! The rules of the derby were simple - the winner would be the last man - or woman - left standing.
And Harris and I would do whatever was necessary to keep the Overtaker on track, proving it truly belonged among the family car elite.
They cannot scratch the Overtaker! I'd take a bullet for you, Paddy.
We've got you, son.
Do not let them through.
No-one's coming through here.
You couldn't be in safer hands.
I feel like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard.
Keep it up! You're my wicket, Paddy.
A few laps in, and the outriders were holding firm.
Paddy, I'm on your BLEEP.
But, as the heat of battle intensified, our defences began to weaken.
Oh, it's getting messy.
Watch him, Harris! Take him out, sunshine! I'm getting a right battering.
Where's my outriders? Paddy! I'm coming for you! Agh! That must have been Sabine.
Freddie, face the right way, for God's sake! The carnage continued.
And, then, disaster struck.
ENGINE SPLUTTERS I think she's dead.
Harris, get back and help.
Harris! Knackered.
Harris is out.
Down to just one defender and with him facing his own fight for survival, things were looking bleak.
Whoa, whoa, Sabine's having a go at me.
SABINE LAUGHS Oh, it's slippy.
It is slippy.
Watch the paintwork, son! And before long I've just skidded Blooming heck, I'm using the wall.
Where's Flintoff? Come on, baby.
Oh, no! Oh, who was that? It was Paddy.
Can you not see I'm stopped? Flintoff was out of the running with only himself to blame, and the Overtaker and I were now on our own.
I can sense impending doom.
Paddy! Sweetheart! I'm coming for you.
I'm on me own! And we're surviving.
Whoo! Bye-bye! SABINE LAUGHS Yes, it's heating up.
Yes, she's been bashed about, but she's still got a beauty to her.
This remarkable machine had done us proud.
She'd given everything, but, in the end, the fight was to prove too much.
Yes! Eat my dust! It doesn't feel good.
Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh! Bye, Paddy.
Oh, Overtaker .
we've had a good innings.
You were the ultimate family car to me.
Oh, my God.
Number one! Love that car.
Now, joking aside just for a second, there was a moment then when I flipped the car Yes.
I was so concerned.
I was shouting to Paddy.
I couldn't hear anything in the back.
I thought I'd killed him.
So, I think, Chris, you should apologise for being so reckless.
Thank you.
What? I was coaching you.
You was egging me on.
You were saying, "Go faster, go faster!" You're capable of independent thought, mate.
No, I'm not.
/ Run at that camera.
Run into it.
This one? No, don't.
You are a moron, aren't you? Look, despite you two clowns' best efforts to wreck this car, you've got to admit, it came through with flying colours.
It's the ultimate family car.
Come on, boys.
I think you've got to let it go.
I think it's time to bury the hearse.
Oh, no.
Mate, it's as dead as the people who go in the back.
No, no, no, it's not! No, it's not! Hey, hey.
Hang on, hang on.
What's he doing? Let's see if she'll start.
Here we go.
Oh, it's still damp in here.
Oh, God! ENGINE STARTS She's alive! She's alive! That's all for tonight.
Thank you so much for watching.
See you next week.
I can't believe it! Ta-ra! ANGELIC MUSIC