Top Gear (2002) s28e01 Episode Script

Series 28, Episode 1

1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! Thank you, thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you! Hello and welcome to Top Gear.
We're back, everybody! CHEERING Yes! Over the past year, we've been electrocuted, dropped into jungles and nearly killed by Freddie Flintoff in an hearse.
LAUGHTER But we're still here, everyone! We are still here! I've got to say, lads, spending the last 12 months with you two, well, it's definitely felt longer.
Anyway, we're with you for the next six weeks and we've got a cracker of a series lined up.
Have a look at this.
ENGINE GROWLS I have been looking forward to this! Here we go.
I've got a new friend and he's called The Stig.
You have a considerable pair of berries on you.
I'm not sure where they are at the minute, Chris, - they're somewhere in me stomach.
- That looks sketchy as f.
MOCKINGLY: "It's not a proper Ferrari!" Oh, my word! How ya rootin' tootin' doin'? Oh, my Lord! Hold on to your schnitzels! I can't stop! Fred, stop! I'm running out of runway! Ow! That's the best thing you've ever done! Three .
go! Whoa! What a time to be alive.
Loved that.
APPLAUSE Oh, wow! All that coming up.
Now, Fred, bungee jumping in a car.
That's all later tonight.
But, first up, it's January, it's freezing out.
So let's talk summer holidays! Because did you know the average cost of a summer holiday is £600 per person? 600 quid to sit in a smelly metal tube for two hours and end up somewhere less comfy than your own house.
But we reckon there's a better way to get a bit of sun on your face and enjoy that well-earned break.
Buy yourself a second-hand convertible.
So, the producers said prove it.
Last August, they gave us each 600 quid and told us to buy a convertible and then meet up for a Great British summer holiday.
Our meeting place would be the seaside town of Bognor Regis.
The sunniest spot in the UK.
And I'd found the perfect car to make the most of the weather.
Welcome to the Ford Escort Cabriolet .
Calypso edition.
Even sounds seasidey.
And the genius thing about this car - 500 quid.
It's reliable and if you do have any problems .
pretty easy to fix.
Also, 93,000 miles on the clock.
So it's barely running.
Beautiful motor.
Oi, oi! Ha-ha! Yes, baby.
Look at that, Paddy! Before you say anything, did you get the brief? - Yes, I was told - £600 was the budget.
You've not got that for less than 600 quid.
This is a £600 Mercedes Benz.
Look at it.
It's fantastic.
Everything works.
It's not the poverty spec 200.
It's a 230.
So it's supercharged.
Nearly 200 horsepower.
Did you get the memo? Because they told me to buy the best convertible I could for 600 quid.
Did they ask you to come as a mid-'90s sex offender? I mean, wha What? Well, I don't know if you could say "sex offender" on BBC Two, but we've put it out there.
Er Oh, interesting.
What's all this? Well, what's happened there is the painted interior has worn away to leave patternation.
You're also getting the smell of raw fuel coming from the front of the engine, which is a new thing that's just emerged in the last - ten minutes.
- Wonderful.
God! CHRIS AND PADDY LAUGH What is that?! What is that?! "What is that?" - "What is that?" - That's a wreck! This, Paddy, is a Chrysler LeBaron.
- I don't know where to start with it! - What?! - You come round the corner, I thought, "Is it a Sierra?" Well, think of road trips, what do you think of? American.
- No.
- No.
What? Driving down Route 66, roof down.
- No? - English family summer holidays.
- You'd go to the resort, wherever you were.
- Yeah.
- South coast, north coast.
There was always one American car driven by a wrong 'un, wasn't there, that used to float about.
No, I'm going to defend that.
I'm going to defend that.
People automatically assumed he was a wrong 'un.
THEY LAUGH But in fact, it was a man with impeccable taste! What colour is it? It's white! I don't think it is.
It looks like it's been actually painted with a brush.
- It has been.
- It's not been sprayed, that's been painted.
Did you not hear it, though, the sound of it coming in? I heard the horn.
Did you hear the horn?! It was like Noddy's car! It's because the exhaust has fallen off, Fred.
Have you seen the exhaust? That's not all together Even this.
Even the badges.
It's got a 3.
0 litre V6.
- How much power? - 3 litre V6 - How much power? It's got to right up there.
How much? CHRIS LAUGHS Man alive! - What's that? Look at that.
- Now - Wow.
- Look at.
Well, I can do that on yours, look.
Oh See? - How've you managed break that straight away? - I don't know! How've you managed break it? You've literally only just touched the car - and you've already broken it! - What quality! You are just such an arse.
- It's come off! - Get out! Who's this guy? Thank you.
"Congratulations! "You will now go on a summer road trip "to the Essex Coast.
" Holidays! Yes.
Down to the Sugar Hut, boys! Follow me! Let's get some candyfloss.
Some things just look right.
James Bond wearing a dinner suit, Winston Churchill smoking a great, big, fat cigar.
Add to that list Paddy McGuinness driving a clapped-out Escort convertible in Bognor Regis.
It just looks right.
# Tell me when will you be mine Got myself me candyfloss.
Oh, ho! Tell me quando, quando, quando Man, sun's shining.
Oh! CAR HORN TOOTS You all right? The LeBaron, on the other hand, didn't look right at all.
This is like a workout.
Get round, get round, get round.
Just wait at the side, mate, I'm probably going to bump the kerb.
Oh! Thank you.
Paddy, first failure for the Chrysler LeBaron.
I can hear you laughing.
You've got your roof down! CHRIS LAUGHS So 450 quid doesn't buy you working power steering.
Doesn't matter.
The point is the LeBaron is bang on brief.
Holidays, think about it.
What do you do? You go somewhere you've never been before.
You wear clothes that you would never dream of wearing.
You eat food you've never tried.
And that's the idea behind this.
It's a break from the norm.
I want to experience something new.
Otherwise, I'd just sit home and watch Cash In The Attic.
I tell you what, you surprised us all with another Escort, Paddy.
Hey up, roundabout, here we go! Hang on, I'm going to put me mic down.
HIGH-PITCHED WHINE THEY LAUGH You know, the thing with Escorts for me is .
it's like your first love.
You know, you never forget them.
You're always wondering what they're up to.
And it's nice just to be back inside.
That's sounds wrong.
I get that.
But you know what I mean.
I know it's not the world's best cabriolet, this.
It's not even Europe's best cabriolet, it's not even .
the UK's best cabriolet.
But .
I'm out and about, it's driving well.
There's a few little electrical glitches.
The headlights are staying on for some reason, but Other than that, life's good, it's a bargain, this car.
But if the Calypso is a bargain, then in the world of cheap convertibles, the SLK is an absolute steal.
Those two clowns there have got coupes that had their roofs chopped off.
That's why I don't like convertibles normally.
If you take the roof off a car you fundamentally ruin it.
They wobble about and shake.
But the SLK, you see, was built to be a convertible.
So it's got structure in the floor that means it feels quite tight.
Feels rigid, rigid as a Stuttgart designer's pencil, this thing.
An hour into our drive and life with our bargain convertibles was going very nicely.
Oh, my word.
The steering wheel's all over the place.
Better still, we've been told to head to a local race circuit for our first holiday outing - a track day.
Look at this! Boys, there seems to be a load of tractors and coaches and Winnebagos and there's a Morgan up there.
What is this all about, then? Challenge - time to find out how your summer holiday convertibles handle traditional summer holiday traffic.
Last to be overtaken by the Stig wins.
- So this is a race, is it, now? - Where's the Stig? TYRES SQUEAL Five litre, very nice.
So much for the track day.
The circuit had been littered with summer holiday roadworks, stuffed full of summer holiday traffic.
Can you get track day tyres for a combine harvester? And we'd now have to get as far away as we could from the Stig before he sets off to hunt us down in the ultimate summer holiday convertible.
A V8 Ford Mustang.
Let's do this! We're off! Here goes.
Right, McGuinness.
No! Jesus Christ, the combine harvester was a bit close! Oh, my God, what is going on here? Oh, no.
My candyfloss! Look at the steering wheel, look at it moving! Oh, my word.
This is bonkers.
Argh! Duh, duh, duh, duh! You say there! This is going to be tricky.
Nibble that.
That'll do.
Jeez, this is awful! Steering's Oh, BLEEP! Oh, me tyre's gone! Me tyre's gone! I'm out! I'm out already! Argh! I can't see Flintoff.
Flintoff's not even made it round the first lap! - Bloody hell! - Where's the Stig? ENGINE ROARS Stig, yeah.
Go on, son.
This is lively.
Argh! Can't get past that caravan Oh, no! He's here! He's right behind me! Oh! The Volkswagen camper stops him! Out the way! HORN BLARES Get out the bloody way! Come on.
Come on! Oh, no! No! Piss! Stig's not catching me.
No! No, no, no, no, no, no! Ahh! Ah-hah! He's got me but it's a win.
You were brilliant.
There was no way on God's green Earth we were catching you in that, no way.
I mean, a lot of that's down to the driver.
Is it f First blood to the Mercedes, then.
But back on the road with a shiny new tyre, Flintoff had finally found something on the McLaren to show off.
You ready? You ready? LAUGHS They are magnificent! Hey, you don't get that in your Merkie, do you? That is without a doubt the crappest headlight solution I've ever seen.
Oh, it's a joy.
We'd been told to head 20 miles up the road for another holiday convertible test, which gave us just enough time for an important debate.
Seaside holiday confection.
You've got to have candyfloss, rock or 99/Mr Whippy.
Ice cream, every day of the week.
Totally agree.
For me, a Mr Whippy is one of the great treats of life.
But it's not necessarily a seaside holiday treat, is it? You can have it any time.
What's more seasidey than a Mr Whippy? It's not seasidey.
It just happens to be ice cream.
Candyfloss is seasidey.
Those big pink dummies are seasidey.
"Kiss me quick" hats are seasidey.
Invisible dog leads are seasidey, sugar doughnuts are seasidey.
Mr Whippy can just drive down your street in his van.
But Mr Whippy would have to wait, because we'd reached our next test.
Are we going off-road here, lads, or what? What's going on? Well, we're not going round there.
It's a motocross track! Another challenge.
Thank you, boss.
It's obviously got words more than one syllable.
That's why I'm reading it.
Driving in summer is a sweaty business.
In high temperatures, the average human produces more than 10 litres of sweat a day.
To see how your cars cope with this sort of output, they're now being rigged with a dispenser of low friction synthetic sweat substitute.
Fastest lap wins.
Don't slide off.
Synthetic sweat substitute.
To test how our convertibles handled sweaty conditions, apparently, we'd each have to do a timed lap of a twisty, undulating motocross track while being liberally sprayed with a friction reducing liquid.
Sounds like lube to me, this, lads.
Two words I don't like - lube and moist.
It's good news for you, Paddy, because the lube is to simulate being moist.
HE GIGGLES And in better news, McGuinness was up first.
This is not going to end well.
- Here he is.
- All right, Paddy.
Looking good in the Escort.
- Can I make a request? - Go on.
- Can Harris do the timer? I don't trust Flintoff.
- I take that as a personal insult.
- Yeah.
But you know I'm right.
- HE LAUGHS - He was starting you on five seconds! Yeah, exactly.
Exactly! - You ready, Paddy? - ENGINE REVS Three, two, one Go! Here we go! I can't see! THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER Oh, my God! Tell you what - that is a lucky escape, McGuinness.
THEY LAUGH Look at that! I'll tell you what, Paddy, you've thrown the gauntlet down there, ain't you? Do think we can beat him, Chris? With a target of 42 yards to beat .
it was time for the Merc to show how it's done.
- What are you doing? - We just have to test if it's on your face.
- Can we just give it a test now, lads? - No! - Yay! That's the one.
- That's the ticket.
- Yeah.
- That works.
- That works.
ENGINE REVS Three, two, one, go! HE SPLUTTERS Oh, that's right in the mouth! I've been hit! Ah! This is repugnant! See, the thing is, he's got the ideal car for this, really.
- You would think so.
- This is horrendous.
I can't hold the wheel.
- Argh! - Didn't sound healthy, that.
- Argh! - This is it - big finish.
HE GROANS - Oh! - Oh, nice.
You can stop that now.
- All right, David Seaman.
- Look at the state of you.
- How was that? - What did you expect? You've just thrown 15 litres of lube at me.
I've got a little bit on my T-shirt myself.
A little bit on your T-shirt.
- Look at me! - Do you want to tell him his time, Pad? - Yeah.
What? Why are you speaking like a four-year-old that's learning numbers? - 145 - 57.
- I got it.
While Harris went off to find the Kleenex, next up it was Flintoff's run.
And given his previous record of crashing, the producers had taken the sensible precaution of fitting some additional low key rollover protection.
- Did you tell him about the roll bar? - Yeah, I did.
Specialist bell end one.
It's a terrible motor vehicle, isn't it? - METALLIC CRUNCH - That wasn't a good start, was it? Right.
Three, two, one, go.
HE GROANS AND SPLUTTERS This is just horrendous! - Ow! Ow! Struggling now.
Oh, he can't get up the hill.
- Ha-ha! Oh, my word.
Come on.
Come on.
- Get round, get round.
- LIQUID HISS Ugh! It's making noises now! It's like a spitting cobra! I cannot believe it's going to be so close.
Here we go, here we go! I'm going to beat Harris, get over the line! THEY LAUGH Tell me the good news! Please, give me some good news.
Well, the good news is you look very good with your T-shirt, - like a Chippendale.
- Ugh! - HARRIS LAUGHS Oiled up.
- Oh, is it just - Only three seconds behind! When you come over there, I thought, "He's going to do it.
" If you'd taken that hill up there a bit quicker, you could have won.
Look at this.
HE IMITATES STRIPPING SONG Put the slow-mo on! We've decided - little conflab - - that we've been absolutely nailed here - Oh, hold on.
and you've somehow got away scot free.
Well I'm happy with last place.
- You're not.
I can tell by your face.
- Not an option really, is it? No, it wasn't.
And with Harris nobly risking his winning time for the greater good, we fished the Calypso back to the start line and McGuinness got ready for another shot at glory.
LIQUID HISS - Hey! - I've not started! - Three, two, one, go! Dickheads! MUSIC: Paranoid by Black Sabbath HE SPLUTTERS Look at the face here, look at him! HE IMITATES PADDY It's in my eye! He's got a face that suits having lube jetted into it.
Don't you think? I can't hold the bloody wheel! Where's my candyfloss? Candyfloss for purchase! - He's going for it this time.
- He is.
- I think he's going too hard.
- It's going to be tight, this, Chris.
- It's going to be really tight.
- It's going to be unbearable.
THEY LAUGH That's a big jump! - That was impressive.
- That was good.
- What's the time? - You did it in one minute .
Yes! Let me get out of this car! - It's his second go! - I can't deal with this.
# Oh, we do like to be beside the seaside Oh, we do like to be beside the sea CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hey? Let me tell you, THAT is how you drive a Calypso covered in lube.
It's not really something to be proud of, is it? - Where do you even get that much lube? - Now, I know this.
- Yeah? This was agricultural lubricant.
What? Farmers use it.
The dirty dogs.
- Lube for cows.
Really? Is that right? - Yes.
- I can still taste it.
- Anyhow, moving on.
We'll get back to that film later in the show, when things get even less dignified.
But first, you're in for a treat, everybody.
It's Mr Harris and a review.
- Go on, Chris.
- Go on, Chris! APPLAUSE You'll know this car.
The Ariel Atom.
This first turned up 20 years ago and it's been constantly revised and upgraded ever since.
But now there's an all new Atom, which, according to Ariel, is entirely, totally different.
Here it is - the Atom 4.
A new from-the-ground-up design that looks completely and utterly .
exactly the same as before.
It's identical, but genuinely, this is an all-new car.
The only bits carried over from the old Atom - brake pedal, clutch pedal, fuel filler cap.
That's your lot.
Everything else - shiny new, apparently.
But get behind the wheel and you'll quickly discover the changes are significant.
It has to be said, at first glance, they're also a bit worrying.
They call this the most usable Atom yet.
There's more room for your elbows, for your legs, your feet.
They've given it more supple suspension, so it's more comfortable at low speeds.
You can even dull the engine down for more relaxed driving.
Relaxed driving? If you want to do relaxed driving, you don't buy a car without a windscreen, doors, in fact, any body work whatsoever.
If you want comfort, go and buy a travel pillow.
There is one important change, though, that's far more welcome.
Behind me is a new engine taken from the Honda Civic type R hot hatchback .
which, when you wind the dial back to where it should be, makes 320 horsepower.
ENGINE PURRS And which, when you put your foot down, helps the Atom do this.
0-60 takes 2.
8 seconds.
8! That's the 100 up in under 7 seconds.
It's time-bendingly fast.
You get to the end of a straight slightly younger than when you started.
That gets the heart going like a triple espresso with a defibrillator chaser.
Not that Atoms have ever struggled to get the ticker ticking.
What they have sometimes struggled with is the whole going round corners thing.
The old Atom used to understeer at the first sniff of a corner.
Not this one.
I'm not understeering, I'm cornering.
And I know exactly what the front wheels are doing now.
I see the suspension arms moving.
It's all naked.
On display.
It's proud of its components.
I love that.
And when you've had enough of nimbly carving up corners .
the Atom will happily play the delinquent too.
MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead Whoa! Couldn't do that in an old Atom.
# If you like to gamble I tell you I'm your man You win some, lose some All the same to me Just the most raw experience.
Everything's flying at you - the scenery, the insects, the stones.
Same engine as a Civic Type R, remember.
This thing weighs under 600kg.
That's less than a Formula 1 car! Whoa! It's a frothing lunatic! Can't get enough of it - it's so extreme.
The new Atom, then, really is an incredible thing to drive.
But what's less clear is if it's something you'd actually want to own.
Brilliant though it is, this is a car that does say something about its driver.
Specifically "crippling midlife crisis" and, just below that, "I was too scared to buy a motorcycle.
" Then, there's the price.
The Atom starts at around 40 grand, which does seem like an awful lot of money for a pile of ironmongery with a Honda engine behind you and no floor mats.
But look at it another way.
This is a car that will annihilate any supercar on the right road.
You just can't go faster for the cash.
In truth, it's a bit of a bargain.
But it's also more than that.
It's life affirming.
Honestly, if the state of the world's ever getting you down, forget, meditation, forget digital detox, a quick spin in one of these will sort you right out.
APPLAUSE - Just a great little car.
- Is it? - Oh, love it! - Wow.
And I've got to say, life coaching by Chris Harris - I never thought I'd see the day.
Now, we need to find out how fast the Ariel Atom 4 went round our test track.
What do you reckon, Chris, where are we looking on the board? Come on.
It was cold and it was damp.
Those tyres don't work in those conditions.
I think mid-table.
Otherwise, it would be right up here.
But I'm thinking here.
Well, earlier today, we sent the Stig out in the Ariel Atom.
You can see the lap online, - but I can tell you the Ariel Atom 4 - In there.
- You reckon? The old one is here - 1.
15? - In there.
Got to be around here, hasn't it? Lads, lads.
It's a surprise.
He went round in one minute - .
20 - What? - .
5 - What? - .
- No way! - Chris, you can do that.
It's down there.
Go on.
What? That's sizeist.
- That is unb No-one expected that.
- Are you surprised, Chris? I am.
But the weather was terrible.
Look, these tyres don't work sub five degrees.
It's wet.
I think that's unfair.
Can we have it back in the summer, please? - I think we should.
- Do you want it back in the summer? ALL: Yes.
Let's get it back in the summer.
Now it's time to get back to our cheap convertible summer holiday where things are about to go from proper slippery to proper painful.
Fore! Feels good to be back out on the open road, boys.
What a day.
What a day.
Oh, I've cut out.
Yeah, we've cut out.
Lads, I've cut out.
Man, takes me back to Ethiopia, this.
Again, I was in an Escort, again, I was towing Flintoff.
Nothing changes, does it? Nothing changes.
Not again.
Dear me.
It really is Dumb leading Dumber, isn't it? Look at them.
ROPE PINGS 90 miles into our journey and with the LeBaron now cooling off after its second breakdown of the trip, it's fair to say we were starting to narrow down who had really bought the best cheap convertible.
I don't know who I'm kidding.
It's awful, isn't it? It's an awful, awful car.
And soon we arrived at our next summer holiday activity.
To narrow it down some more.
- Look at this! - What is it we're actually doing? We're not playing cricket, are we? It's a golf driving range, Paddy.
Cheers, mate.
"Time to test the agility of your convertibles.
"Roof down, you will now attempt to catch as many golf balls "as you can in your cockpits.
" Hang on a minute.
So we're driving round and they're hitting balls into our car.
Have you ever been hit by a golf ball? I have.
It really hurts.
Luckily, the producers had thought of this and laid on some specialist protective gear.
- Of sorts.
- Lads? What? Was there a sale on at Sports Direct? - Have you come as the Honey Monster? - It's a hockey kit, isn't it? - What's under the jumper? - This is what I was like when I was 20.
HE LAUGHS We'd each have two minutes out on the range in front of 25 keen golfers, with the most balls in the cockpit at the end making for the most agile convertible, obviously.
OK, Freddie.
Here we go.
- Three, two, one - KLAXON SOUNDS I'm off.
Come on.
Come on.
Where are they hitting them? I can't see! Here he comes.
This is it now.
We can absolutely pepper him! Smash him! - BALLS PING - Argh! Oh, my! BLEEP! Right past my nose! - Wey! - Oh, this is good now.
Aim for his teeth.
Yay! - HE LAUGHS - Oh, my head! - KLAXON SOUNDS - That was immense fun.
- Enjoyed that.
Smashing golf balls at Freddie Flintoff should be a sport.
What a time to be alive.
Oh, love that.
Windscreen's cracked.
That's nice.
She's a bit peppered, Fred.
Not many went in.
- How many do you think went in? - Eight? - Very close.
- How many? - Nine.
- Nine.
- Nine.
- Ten.
- You even missed there.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
Still, with a target of nine to beat, McGuinness went next to get suited and booted.
- SUIT CLANKS - What the hell is that noise? All right? - You all right, Pad? - Not really.
Does it work? Yeah.
How are you going to drive with those shoes on? Let me tell you one thing.
Wait till you see what you've got to put on.
Do your worst.
- Ten balls to take the lead.
- KLAXON SOUNDS - Time for some payback.
- Go on! GLASS SHATTERS What the bloody hell? Oh, his window's gone.
King Arthur's here, and he ain't taking no BLEEP! Come on, then! Want to get that windscreen.
My windscreen, my windscreen, you tools! Oh, got one in! Damn! Oh, my God.
HE LAUGHS Jesus! What the bloody hell? METAL CLATTERS - Oh! Oh! - Tosspot! KLAXON SOUNDS That made me ears ring! Right.
Scores on the doors.
How many do you think? Well, I can see Oh! THEY LAUGH I can see four in the front.
- 38.
- Shut up! - Yes.
- 38? - King Arthur .
is out of here.
Paddy's battered Calypso was in the lead and with the day drawing to a close, the pressure was now all on Harris.
Oh, lovely.
Lovely shot.
Oh, here he is! Look at this lad! HE LAUGHS I tell you what, Chris.
Have your arms grown? Where does your head come to on this? Right.
Can we get this done as soon as possible? - Go and get yourself in the car.
- Just go and get in the car, Chris.
Get in the car, Chris! So, 39 balls and the tiny T-Rex wins it.
- Three, two, one - KLAXON SOUNDS - Here he comes.
- Come on, then.
- Right.
I've got my own strategy here, boys.
First of all, demonstrate the Jesus Christ! - BALLS PING - Whoa, can't see where I'm going.
Right, so my strategy is to demonstrate the agility of - BALL SMACKS - Christ! - Whoa! - Oh, right in his face! I'm deflating.
I've deflated.
- BALLS PING - Whoa! - Argh! - I think the dinosaur's popped! This is like a really budget version of Jurassic Park.
- GLASS SHATTERS - Whoa, that was my side window gone.
I can't even see you.
- Ow! - Oh, nearly took his lamps out.
Right, OK.
Now, strategy is - park up and let them fire in.
Come on, fill it up.
This is BLEEP! - BALLS SMACKS - Ow! Whatever Harris's strategy was, it looked like it was working.
- Whoa! - Go on! - Ow! - Just a bit too well.
Making a break for it.
What's he doing? - You missed me! - Oh, he's having it now! Go on, run! Run, dinosaur.
Run! Get in! I can't hit them quick enough! I can't hit them quick enough! Whoa, whoa, whoa! - BALL SMACKS - Ow! All right, Chris? How was that for you? What's the scores on the doors, please? - You had 38 to beat, that Paddy had.
- Go on.
- I can tell you, Chris - Give me the good news.
Well, it's not bad news.
You got 16.
So I had half the size of cabin therefore, if your ratio it, I won.
What's he shouting at? No, you didn't win.
- No, I did - I got double that.
Yeah, but you've got a four seater, I've got a two seater You got out the car, made more room So, not only is the Calypso the best convertible in sweaty conditions, it's also the most agile.
Yet we couldn't help but reflect that, as summer road trips go, this one had been unnecessarily harsh on our cars.
Look at this.
No windows there, no windows there, no windscreen, no nothing.
Now we were finally approaching the Essex coast.
And as a reward for all our hard work BUZZING It's a ladybird.
we'd been told to head to a picturesque island for a relaxing overnight stay.
- What is this? - Challenge! Don't worry, lads, I'll get it.
You stay there.
Jesus! "We forgot to mention your accommodation is on "the other side of the causeway.
" - That's the causeway.
- No, that's the sea.
"The tide's coming in.
"Last to arrive is the winner.
" Last to arrive is the winner.
So this I think this is a test of nerve.
This brings me back into the game, lads.
Two talkers, one thinker.
What, you reckon you're going to wait me out? Did you say wet me out? - Wait.
- Wait.
Wet me out is a whole different kettle of fish, I think, Chris.
That's come in quite a bit now, that.
- Are you going? - See you on the other side, boys.
See you, Paddy.
Absolute clowns.
Look at them! It's already deep as it is.
- I think it's got quite deep quite quick, that.
- Same here.
Who do you reckon's got the best off road vehicle? - Mine's very low.
- It's got to be that, I reckon.
This is deep up here.
This is dee - They've not even set off! - You're itching to go, aren't you? You're itching! Chris is giving in! - Well, it's not about - Ah, ah, ah! Well, we're going to see now, aren't we? What in the name of god? HE YELLS Oh.
Oh, my word.
I'm going.
Ah, he's gone.
See you, Chris! Go on, then.
I've gambled.
This is my only shot at glory.
Go on! Argh! She's dying on me.
Come on, Calypso! Come on.
Come on.
I mean, that doesn't look good to me, does it? Lock it in first, get a bow wave going.
I've died straight away.
Come on, Chris.
- You - CRUNCH CHRIS LAUGHS He's pushing me! Fred's pushing me! - Come on, LeBaron! - Come on, LeBaron! Just when you needed it, he steps up, Harris! It's pushing the Merc! Come on, baby! Come on! Yes.
Go on.
Come on, dig in.
Dig in! Dig in, let's go.
Oh, it's getting deeper.
Oh, God.
There's a lot of water in here.
Come on, Harris.
Put your foot down.
Use your foot.
My engine's cut out! - What? I'm just pushing you? - Yeah.
Keep going, keep going, baby.
Keep going.
Keep going, baby.
So near! Looks like we're doing it! We're doing it! Come on, LeBaron! What a car this is, Chris! What a car! Everyone doubted LeBaron.
I could have got a Saab, I could have got an Audi TT CRUNCHING ENGINE STUTTERS Harris, you absolute weapon! Come on, we're nearly there! We're nearly there! Please, go on.
Go on.
No, keep going, girl.
Keep going.
Please don't Yes! Oh, my God! I'm over.
Yes! Woo! Come on! Come on! This is your fault, Harris.
I'm on dry land, I'm on terra firma.
Come on, Calypso! Woohoo! Chris, is that you I can see in the middle of the sea? - Wahey! - HE LAUGHS Jesus wept.
What are they doing? HE LAUGHS I'm stuck! I'm stuck! I feel like I'm You know, like, a teacher in charge of a creche? THEY LAUGH That's exactly what it feels like.
But the creche is full of middle-aged bell ends.
HE LAUGHS Oh, it's in my mouth! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Is that one of the best things you've ever seen? - That Seeing Chris Harris in that dinosaur outfit was one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life.
I'll tell you what - best holiday ever.
It had everything.
Candyfloss, golf, quick dip in the sea.
I've booked us in again next year, chaps.
Don't worry about that.
But the idea was to decide who'd actually bought best.
So first of all, you're out of the running because this is one of the worst cars I've ever seen.
- Do you agree? - I'll hold my hands up.
Buying this car was possibly an even worse decision than whoever made me England cricket captain.
THEY LAUGH - Terrible.
- For 600 quid, boys, the three pointed star.
The inventors of the motor vehicle.
- Come on.
- Chris, it sank.
THEY LAUGH It's a car, not a boat.
Let's face it - this car is the star.
Come on.
Best of British, best of British.
Paddy, it is the best of a bad bunch.
But are you going to buy an Escort for every cheap car challenge we do? They keep winning, I'll keep buying 'em.
Let me tell you, you can forget your holidays.
Forget Magaluf.
If you want a proper holiday, invest in an old Escort.
That sounds wrong, I know.
THEY LAUGH - Move on.
- I never thought I'd say this - can I hear more from Paddy? No, you can't.
No, you can't.
Anyway, earlier on, you remember Chris was reviewing the new Ariel Atom and he said for that money, you can't go faster.
I tell you what, that is not true, because he figured there was a way to go even faster for less, and stitch me right up in the process.
So an Ariel Atom will do 0-60 in 2.
8 seconds, but you can accelerate faster than that, and for a lot less cash.
You just need one of these.
An old Rover Metro, yours for a few hundred quid.
Oh, and you also need one of these.
This is the Luzzone dam in Switzerland.
At over 540ft, it's one of the tallest dams in the world.
You see, in freefall, for example, when dropped from a dam, a Rover Metro will do 0-60 in 2.
7 seconds because of gravity.
But to beat the Atom, we're not just going to chuck a Metro off a dam.
That would be irresponsible.
Instead, we've got a crane and a very long piece of stretchy string.
That's right.
We're going to try and bungee jump a car.
So what we need is a crash test dummy.
Luckily, we've got the biggest dummy of the lot.
Welcome to a dam.
I can see that.
Over 500ft, that, Fred.
- And you're expecting me - Yeah.
- .
to go down there.
- Yeah.
- There.
- There.
In that.
- A Rover.
Could you not get a better car? - Oh, come on.
You're going to go out in a blaze of glory, Fred.
No, Chris.
I'm not going to go out.
Is that the whole plan? - Get rid of me? - First things first.
It's a stylish way to go off a dam.
You could have filled it with water at the bottom.
Well, that's the thing about the dam.
The water's on that side.
And on the other side is space.
If I'm going to land on something, I'd sooner it be water.
At 125mph, water is the same as rock, I'm led to believe.
Yeah, it's just in my head, isn't it? That's the thing.
You mean there is something going on in there? There's a bit going on at the minute, Chris.
- HE LAUGHS - I'm not going to lie.
So, how have you made it safer? We've basically strapped in some scaffolding and attached a massive hook to the back of it.
I've personally inspected all of the welds and it looks kind of OK to me.
Kind of OK? So you're sending me over 500ft and it's kind of OK? Watch the way this folds forward.
- That's just beautiful.
- Chris, you've done me here.
Imagine the write-up in the paper? Oh.
"Flintoff gone in a bright red Metro.
- "Bungeeing off a dam.
" - I know.
And just as Ben Stokes has taken all your other glory as well.
- I mean, it's getting bad, isn't it, Fred? - Yeah.
He'll be doing this one day.
He'll be doing it.
When it dries up and he gets injured.
- HE LAUGHS - Jeez! We've all been there.
At this point, I wish I'd have done Strictly.
Clearly, Fred needed some reassurance.
So next, we got straight into the safety briefing.
- Main thing, keep your hands on the steering wheel.
- Really? - What, to steer? - Feet in there.
Cut a long story short, once that gets released and you're in freefall, if you haven't got your hands on the steering wheel - Yeah.
- Right? And you're flailing around like a rag doll, he's not going to be the one that gets his arm ripped off by a bungee.
- It's going to be you.
- Oh! - All right? No, I'm not.
It's not going to be me.
So if I hit the ground, this helmet's going to save me, isn't it? What you need to know is there's nothing loose in the car.
There's nothing loose in the cage.
- Tell you what, I'm feeling a bit loose.
- Have you done this before? Have you done a car bungee before? I haven't done a car bungee but I've done plenty of car crashes before.
Let's put the neck brace on.
So, this is going to be the procedure.
- Yeah.
- We're going to lift you up in the crane, we're going to put you into number ones over the dam.
Once the car comes to its final resting position, we've got a radio in the car.
You'll hear me say, "Is everything all right, Fred?" - That's when I want a thumbs up from you.
- Yeah.
- Right.
No thumbs up from you, we're going to safely lower the car and myself and the paramedics will come in and assess the situation from there.
- Hands on the steering wheel, pin yourself into that seat.
- Yeah.
- That's all you need to do.
- Tell you what, Fred.
It's got chrome kick plates.
Have you seen those? Chris, at what point of this do you think I'm bothered? - Fred.
- Yeah.
- Any questions? - I don't think so, Darren.
- I'm questioning myself.
- Right.
- What am I doing here? Why am I here? I've got an MBE.
Lovely, delicate actions from the crane man.
It's a beautiful crane.
Have you checked the crane out? - Lovely bit of engineering, Fred.
- I don't care.
I just want it to stay on top of the dam.
This is just starting to get a little bit real now, as I'm about to be perched over the edge.
It's starting to make some funny noises now.
There's a bit of creaking going on.
Oh, my lord.
I'm just suspended! Ahh, it's wobbling! CRANE CREAKS I'm tensing up here.
I'm going to make a slight confession here.
I'll make two, actually.
One, I'm nervous.
Two, possibly the worst thing I have ever done.
Stay with it, Fred.
I would not like to be in your shoes.
Oh, this is stupid.
CRANE SQUEAKS It just a really bad noise.
Try being sat here, you bell end! This is stupid.
I'd like to see Jeremy Clarkson do this.
HE LAUGHS BLEEP! It's wobbling.
Stop wobbling it! Oh, my Oh, my God.
I'm just going to have a moment here.
Oh, my word.
I don't want to look at the crane, I've just got visions of them movies when a crane topples over.
BLEEP! Stop wobbling it! BLEEP the bed! Whoa.
I don't use this phrase lightly, but that looks sketchy as BLEEP to me, that looks all wrong.
Why? Why am I doing this? Oh, sheez! I don't think he was scared initially, but right now I've never seen him like that.
The engineers had calculated that at the bottom of the drop, Freddie in the Metro would exert a massive seven tonnes of force through the rope and crane.
They had to be sure everything was right before releasing the car.
Fred to production.
I don't know if anyone's noticed, but I am suspended above a dam and I've been here for quite a while now.
RADIO: Standby, Fred.
Doing final checks now.
Final checks.
How long they been planning this for? Was the time to make sure everything's right not a while ago? Are we not at the point of no return now? The worst part about it is, is I don't feel attached.
Oh, sh It's just gone up a level, now, hasn't it? Oh, my word.
Jesus Christ! Tell you what - BLEEP that for a game of soldiers.
Whoa! Tell you what, Harris, I wasn't budgeting for this! - Ha-ha! - Tell you that for sure! Bloody hell! Just tell me there's a rope on the back of this car.
You, my friend, have a considerable pair of berries on you.
Much bigger than mine.
I'm not sure where they are at the minute, Chris.
Somewhere in my stomach.
I don't think I'll see it again for weeks.
Oh, God! Ugh, get this over with.
This is one of the most horrific things I've ever done.
Finally, with everything set .
we got the go-ahead.
Fred, it's your good friend, Chris Harris, here.
I'm going to give you a five, four, three, two, one, and on "go", you will go.
On my countdown.
- Five, four - BLEEP! Here we go.
three, two, one .
go! Oh, BLEEP! That wasn't good.
What was that? BLEEP! What are you doing? Are you messing me about here or what? I was all ready to go, I braced myself and I've not done anything.
Fred, have you got the handbrake on? BRAKE CLICKS Whoa! Oh.
Oh, my God! Aargh! Whoa! The Metro! It's managed to stay together! Ha-ha! He's only gone and done it, boys.
Go on, Harris, lad! Chrissy Harris, this is for you, son! Come on, Fred! 0-60 in 2.
7 seconds.
Stick it up you, you Ariel Atom! We've got you covered! Woo! This beautiful little red car.
A beautiful car.
- Get in! - HE LAUGHS Jeez! RADIO: Please let's have a thumbs up.
A thumbs up.
- Thank you.
- Jeez! I think this could end up being my favourite car ever.
It's definitely going to be the most memorable.
That is for sure.
Metros, I salute you.
Absolutely amazing.
I've got to say, Fred.
You, my friend, have absolutely no fear.
You've also got no brain cells and I don't think you're going to live to see your 50s.
But I'll tell you what - very impressive.
It was all right.
The worst thing about it was waiting.
I was up there for so long and I thought it was you messing about.
No, it was all the safety checks.
- It wasn't the matter of a moment, Fred.
- Really? I thought you were absolutely brilliant.
And we found your Top Gear niche.
- Yeah, falling.
- THEY LAUGH Yeah, you proved my point ultimately, didn't you? You see, if you want to accelerate faster than an Ariel Atom, all you need is an old Rover Metro.
And a massive dam.
And a 50 person engineering team.
Yeah, and an ex cricketer with no brain.
Top stuff.
We'll be back next week when we pick a fight with the RAF's fightiest fighter jet.
And I show Land Rover how to build a proper off-roader.
See you then.
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