Top Gear (2002) s28e02 Episode Script

Series 8, Episode 2

1 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you! Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello and welcome to Top Gear, where, tonight, a new name will be added to a list of motoring innovators.
Henry Ford, Elon Musk and now .
Patrick McGuinness.
LAUGHTER Thank you, madam.
LAUGHTER Yes, tonight, I create a revolutionary new car.
- An absolute shambles.
- Absolute genius, more like.
That's coming up later, but first, Chris Harris has a question.
I do.
Think about machines built for ultimate performance - F1 cars, superbikes, fighter jets.
What do they all have in common? Flintoff's crashed 'em all? Unfair.
I haven't crashed a jet.
- Not yet, you've not.
- That's not the answer, by the way.
They all put the driver in the middle, because that's the best place to be for balance and weight distribution - basically everything.
So why does your average supercar insist on shoving the driver over on one side? It doesn't make any sense.
McLaren clearly agree.
Have a look at this.
Costing more than £2 million .
and measuring over five metres from nose to pointy rear end.
This is a road-going Art Deco spaceship .
that puts the driver front and centre.
It's a three-seater - driver in the middle, one passenger sat back on either side.
How sci-fi is that? Now, it does raise one issue.
How do you get in and maintain dignity? So it is bum first or head first? I'm going to shuffle across.
Oh, look at that.
Get comfy.
Now, because there are seats where you'd normally have switches and controls, everything is up on these three screens here on the dashboard, and if you want to start it, you press a button up here.
ENGINE ROARS INSTRUCTIONS OVER COMMS Sitting in the middle of the car just feels so special.
It's a feeling that's hard to describe but it's instantly gratifying.
You know what? It feels instantly right.
It feels like a McLaren F1.
The car that, back in the '90s, rewrote pretty much every speed record of its day.
The car that is still considered to be one of the all-time greats.
Now, if you're going to invoke the spirit of the McLaren F1, you'd better have the performance to back it up.
And Speedtail does.
This thing has over 1,000 horsepower and nearly 850 foot-pounds of torque.
It is the fastest McLaren ever.
In fact, it's the fastest British car ever made.
Which, let's be honest, is a point that really needs demonstrating.
This thing is outrageous.
Watch this.
At 100mph, it just gets going.
I'm now up to 186.
I'm at 200 there.
Now I'm clocking along.
That's 230.
And that's the end of the runway! Sensational.
Give it enough room and it will top out at 250mph.
And the Speedtail can get from 0 to 200mph in 14 seconds.
That's the kind of speed that a really fast saloon car takes to do from 0 to 100mph.
That is crazy speed.
And the only thing you can do when you've experienced that .
is head back and do it again.
The Speedtail is a car built for one purpose - ultimate straight-line speed.
That is a weapon.
That is a proper weapon.
And to create it, McLaren has pushed the boundaries of road-car aerodynamics.
Every inch of the Speedtail's streamliner bodywork has been designed to slice through the air with brutal efficiency, starting with these clever wheel covers that smooth the airflow all the way down the side of the car.
You'll notice it's missing a normal object - that's a wing mirror here.
They've gone.
Instead, we've got cameras that pop out from the doors.
How cool is that? But even cooler is back here.
This is my favourite bit.
Instead of having ugly spoilers, the Speedtail hasbendy bits.
The bodywork moves according to air pressure and with a little help from the gearbox as well.
Look at that.
No creases, no turbulence No idea how far I can bend that before I break it.
But you get the gist.
And look at it.
You end up with a simple, clean, beautiful shape.
I think it's wonderful.
And while McLaren has done a thoroughly 21st-century job in the aero department .
the way the Speedtail generates its 1,000 horsepower is just as modern.
It makes 750 horsepower from a twin-turbo-charged 4-litre V8 behind me, and the rest is from electricity.
So it's a hybrid.
That's right.
It's greenish.
In the handling department, though, the Speedtail is pleasingly old school, because while a lot of today's hybrid cars have embraced stable, predictable four-wheel drive, the Speedtail throws everything to the rear wheels only, and that means when you turn the ESC off, things can get a little bit lively.
1,000-horsepower drifts! I'm there all day! HE CHUCKLES Seems brilliant to me.
Really great steering.
Good compromise between ride and grip and handling.
McLaren, they just do chassis so well.
But phenomenally fast and remarkably agile though it is, there might be a problem with the Speedtail - that top speed.
Because in a world where a modified Bugatti Chiron recently hit 300mph, 250 isn't exactly game-changing.
But, honestly, anything over 250 is bonkers, and there's not many places you can go faster than that.
So it's not about how quickly you can go.
It's how quickly you get to going quick.
If you know what I mean! And this is where the Speedtail reigns supreme .
firing you up the road faster than anything else out there.
Oh, this is the acceleration king, this thing.
0 to 186mph in 12.
8 seconds.
Bugatti Chiron - 13.
Great Britain 1, German/French border area 0.
This is the new benchmark for fast.
And this new benchmark for fast gave me and my colleague Paddy an idea.
Oh, yes.
Now, back in 2007, on this very programme, you may remember Richard Hammond raced a very fast car against an RAF fighter jet.
That fast car was a Bugatti Veyron.
And it lost.
But, as you can see, things have moved on in the last 13 years, so I thought it was time for a rematch.
So I rang up the RAF.
I said, "Guess what? We've got a new toy.
Fancy a rematch?" And they said, "We'd love a rematch.
"And guess what? We've got a new toy, as well.
" JET ENGINES ROAR Yeah! HE CHUCKLES I think we've bitten off more than we can chew! ALARM BLARES This is the F-35B Lightning.
It's known as a fifth-generation multi-role aircraft with stealth capability.
But with a top speed of 1,200mph, an operational ceiling of 50,000ft, and the ability to land vertically onto the deck of an aircraft-carrier .
to put it more simply, this is the most sophisticated fighter jet the world has ever seen.
Whoa, whoa.
Can't We can't go past that line.
That's 100-million-quid's-worth of kit.
- They don't want us near it.
- We can't get closer than this to it? - No.
£100 million.
How much is that? - 2 million quid.
- Yeah.
Chicken feed.
What speed's yours, top end? - 250.
- Yeah.
That's about 1,200mph, that one.
I thought you were supposed to be a fan of the car.
You're on the side of the car.
You present a car show! I'm just I'm refereeing.
You know, I'm stand-off from both of them.
Doesn't sound like it to me.
Sounds like you're in the court - of the plane to me.
- In the game of Top Trumps, with that jet and this car, at the minute, this car's not doing that well.
But I've got every faith in it round the track.
Are we ready for this, Goose, man? Paddy, we agreed - no Top Gun.
Don't call me I'm Maverick.
I'm now known as Maverick.
Why are you Maverick? Maverick's the cool one.
So, now that we'd met the competition, next, the referee wanted to go over the rules of the race.
Gentlemen, pretty straightforward, this.
We're going to make our way down this straight here, through the orange markers, all the way down there, and do a left.
Then you're going to do a left.
Down here.
Another left.
Along the straight to the finishing line.
First to cross the finish line wins.
Any questions? Yeah.
The jet can't quite exactly do that, so what I'm going to do is, I'm going to be at 250ft, 400mph at this turn, put the bank on.
It'll be a limiter pull to get to 35 alpha to minimise the radius of the turn to then parallel with the runway.
We'll roll out level, I'll continue down, then there'll be another left turn, again 7G, 400mph, limiter pull round the corner to roll out.
We'll continue up.
I'm not going to make this left turn here - it's too tight.
I'm going to continue off.
Again, 250ft, this time at 500mph to enter this turn.
7G, sustained, to then bleed down 35 alpha, so you can see the jet skidding round the corner, to then roll wings level.
100ft, 550mph finish, with the car down here.
I'll just pop that down.
Hang on a second.
Who's that? The pilot.
He looks about 18.
They start them young now.
Right, OK.
All OK? Yeah? All right.
Let's turn and burn, lads.
Do you know what that is? - A coffee cup.
- Correct.
Let's get out of here! Let's do it! Wings up! BEEPING With the engineers now poring over every detail of their machines before the race, suffice to say both teams were taking things seriously.
And with final checks complete .
it was time .
to take to the track.
That's fairly intimidating.
Number one, confirm clear to take off.
Wow! What a piece of kit.
F-35 versus Speedtail.
It's the coolest thing I've ever done.
Look at the thing.
It just looks like an engine with a person strapped to the front of it.
Christopher, are you ready? As I'll ever be.
CAR ENGINE REVS Here we go, then.
Ready, steady, go.
I'm off! Really good, quick start by Harris.
He's well in front, the lad.
120! 130! Where's the jet? Where's the jet? Oh, my Lord! Whoa! OK.
Corner one! Floor it! TYRES SQUEAL Come on, Mr McLaren.
Come on, Mr McLaren! Come on! He's already banked round.
I don't stand a chance - he's already there! Turn two.
Plane's just ahead.
Just by a nose.
Just by a nose.
Where is he? He's over there, he's over there, he's over there! Come on, the car! OK.
Here we go.
Last corner.
Oh, he's ahead! Harris is ahead! Plane's got to do the big loop here.
This is where we'll get our time.
Where is he? Where is he? I can see the F-35! Go! Gun it, son! Gun it! HE CHUCKLES And over the line.
COMMS: 101 complete.
That is one of the coolest pieces of engineering I've ever seen.
If I'm going to lose to anyone, I'm going to lose to that.
INSTRUCTIONS OVER COMMS There he is - McGuinness.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Listen, there's nothing to be sorry about, is there? Because, at the end of the day, it's 100-million-quid's-worth of kit, that.
- And I'm gutted.
- Dude, he absolutely spanked me.
For the second time running, Top Gear has been done by Top Gun.
And what's mad is, the lad flying that is now off to do a paper round.
CHEERING - Wowser.
- Wow.
All right, I admit it.
That was properly impressive but, having said that, you did set out to prove that the car is mightier than the plane.
- Hmm.
- Andyou lost.
- Yeah.
Well, hang on a minute, Fred.
- What?! That jet was 100 million quid, right? This is only 2 million.
- Only 2 million? Bargain! - It's a bargain.
- An absolute bargain.
- I don't like losing.
If I'm going to lose, I'll do it to something like an F-35.
It's the most stunning piece of engineering and, furthermore, a big thank-you to the RAF, - who are here behind us.
- The RAF! No disgrace in losing to them.
None whatsoever.
And as well, folks, the actual pilot, AK, is in the room! There he is, there's AK! Give it up for AK! CHEERING Unfortunately, AK can't remain for the rest of the show because he's got school in the morning.
Thank you very much! Thank you very much.
Right, boys, over you come.
- The new Defender.
What are you thinking? - Butch! - I think it looks all right.
- All right, yeah, yeah.
It looks like a little condensed-down Discovery.
- It's the best car they've made in the last 20 years.
- Absolutely.
Well, it's not quite ready for Top Gear testing yet - we'll do that next series - but straight off the bat, I've spotted a problem.
Loaded up with options, the new Defender - 70 grand.
70 grand for a Defender? - Yeah.
- Tell you, the world's gone mad.
Absolutely bonkers.
So I reckoned that left a gap in the market for a proper go-anywhere four-by-four that's not only comfybut cheap.
Which gave me an idea.
Oh, God! To show Harris and Flintoff what the future of affordable four-by-fours looks like .
I've been told to meet them at Millbrook Proving Ground in Bedfordshire.
Why are we here, Chris? This is Millbrook, Fred, right? So Millbrook is a torture chamber for cars.
When a car company wants to test a car for destruction before it builds it - it comes here.
- So that's what Paddy's doing? - Yes.
- I don't think it bodes too well for him, does it? - No.
Bonkers I can hear it.
HORN TOOTS Is it a road-sweeper? Hey! CHRIS LAUGHS Boom! This is me no-nonsense, cost-effective answer to the new Land Rover Defender.
I give you the Dirty Rascal.
What I've done, I've took the no-nonsense practicality - of a Bedford Rascal van - Yeah.
and cross-pollinated it onto a proper four-by-four with a big torque-y diesel engine.
What is the four-by-four in the engine, though? - A Daihatsu.
- Right.
- Right.
- Right! First of all, I mean, it looks pretty proper, doesn't it? I like a monster-truck look! Don't you think, though, it looks a bit Ocado? - What do you mean? - Delivery man that comes round with your shopping.
That's a Lamborghini green, that.
Get round here.
Um Nice? CHRIS LAUGHS Now then, you see, what happens with a lot of these, like, Land Rovers or luxury four-by-four manufacturers, they give you a bit of shiny wood, a bit of leather, stick your brolly in the boot - luxury.
That's not luxury.
This is proper luxury, lads.
There you are.
- Oh, now that - Boom! Bi-folds.
Now THAT is classy.
- Can I get in? - Luxury.
Course you can.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Excuse me, gentlemen.
- Take your shoes off.
- There you are.
- PMcG? I've not got any child sizes, but you should be OK with them.
Now, as you'd expect from a McGuinness masterpiece, the Dirty Rascal has been fitted with everything you need to soak up the glorious British countryside in total comfort.
Why is there shower gel? Becauseflick that.
Flick that.
Lift it up.
- Oh, yes, Paddy.
- Ho-ho-ho-ho! You've got a bit dirty off-roading - get yourself in the shower, lads! Hey? Lovely! Monsoon, that! - It's not a shower, it's a monsoon shower.
- A monsoon shower.
- Hand-sanitiser.
- Hand-sanitiser.
- That's very off-road.
- Hand-sanitiser.
When you're out lambing, or whatever it is these country folk do - Lambing? - I've seen people put their arms in livestock.
That's what that's for.
Now, have a look at some of the stuff on there.
- You've got tea, coffee - Vimto.
- Oxtail soup.
- Hot Vimto.
Eh? More importantly, gravy.
Paddy, this is pretty comprehensive.
You're like the Pope! - Sat in the Pope-mobile.
Big windows - It is very holy! - How do these work? - Toffees.
You just turn that and out they come.
Pink shrimp, white mice, fruit salads, black jacks, cola cubes.
What more do you want? OK.
How much, then, for the whole thing? - A grand for the Bedford Racal.
- Yeah.
- Right? - A couple of grand for the Daihatsu.
- Yeah.
A few odds and sods.
Seven grand all in! That is what's known as an absolute bargain.
- Oh! - Oh! - There she goes.
She's lively.
And as the Dirty Rascal certainly looks like an affordable four-by-four, the next question was, does it go like one? To find out, we headed off to explore all 100 of its horsepower on Millbrook's fearsome test tracks.
Right, then.
Let's open the taps.
- Ohh! - Don't get carried away, McGuinness.
- Whoa-ho! - This feels absolutely lethal.
The trouble is, cos she's quite high, I've got to be a bit careful on the bends.
Would you just calm down, Paddy? Go on! Go on, girl! It sounds like you've got a hairdryer stuck to the engine.
It smells like one as well.
Smells terrible.
That'll be the Lynx.
Great! Is that better? A couple of things, observations.
The Defender is an icon.
It's an iconic shape.
And what you've done is taken another iconic shape and celebrated it.
I love that.
Second of all, we are very near to Bedford, - the home and birthplace of the Rascal.
- Yes! - This is like driving a Ferrari in Maranello.
- Exactly.
I'm telling you now, this caris a beauty.
Don't look.
Boo! Jesus! With the lads clearly loving the Rascal on tarmac, next it was time to show what it could do on Millbrook's off-road test track .
where the producers had a little surprise for us Hang on a minute! .
two other cheap four-by-fours already on sale.
If that's the competition, lads, we have nothing to worry about.
We? This is your baby.
We'd rather be in that.
Fred, fancy the Duster! Your loss, boys.
Yes, taking on the Rascal around the rough stuff, I would now be in the plucky Dacia Duster, while Flintoff would take the feisty Suzuki Jimny.
And all three of us would have our work cut out on a timed lap of Millbrook's punishing off-road obstacle course, specifically designed to test any four-by-four to its limit.
Laying down the benchmark time, then, the Duster and I were up first.
Three, two, one, go! Hill-descent mode.
Oh BLEEP! - You're going to struggle down that.
- Yeah, I'll struggle on that.
It's a mixture of speed but also trying not to wreck the vehicle.
The Duster is already a legend.
Regardless of his time, it's, like, a 20-grand car, that.
Seven grand for the Dirty Rascal.
Well, you'll have your chance.
Right, got to keep it going.
Go on, Duster.
Oh, here you are.
I can hear summat.
Yeah, I can see him coming through.
He's going over that pretty quickly.
That's horrendous! Come on, the Duster! - Oh, he's got it through! - He's through! - Wow! - He's really happy with himself there, isn't he? - Yes, baby! Did you expect to get round? Do you know what? It exceeded all expectations! - It was a wild one - It looked well on the first bit.
- It's mega.
And on the stuff where you can go a bit quick, she was fantastic.
Up on her toes.
This is a tough little thing.
- It's going to take some beating.
- Do you want to know your time? - Go on, then.
- 3:16.
I think that's the time to beat, boys.
I reckon that's a decent time.
So it's just as well that the Jimny is a very decent car.
Rugged build, four-wheel drive and a low-range box.
Don't be fooled by its size.
This is a proper off-roader.
It pains me to say it, but you might look a bit too big for that car.
- I feel it, Chris.
- You do.
- Yeah.
I could have sat in the back.
All right, high tower.
Right, 3:16.
65 to beat.
Ready? Three, two, one, go! Here we go.
Got the hill descent on.
Whoa! Easy, sweet cheeks.
Come on, let's go! - I think he could roll it.
- Oh, it's a rough ride, this.
It's not so much about time with Freddie, - it's more about, do we have to get an air ambulance in? - Yeah.
Flying through the puddle.
5 litre.
I've only got 100 horsepower.
Turn the traction off so I'm giving a bit of sliding.
This is fun.
This is better than being on a track.
I can't hear any crashes yet.
Now I'm coming up to the water.
Get it round If there's a problem and he gets stuck, he can just put his feet through the bottom and hoik it up like a massive pair of green shortsand just walk.
It's just eating the course up! You can see why people love these.
Come on, the Jimny! Oh, my God! Look how fast he's going! Oh, let's just go for it.
Go, go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! - Oh, that's impressive.
- Yes! I've got to be close to Harris' time! - Oh, my God, Fred.
- Here he comes.
What about the handbrake turn? I can't find the gear! CHRIS LAUGHS - Oh, that's not worked.
- That wasn't the best! There's good news and bad news.
I'll give you the bad news first.
- Handbrake turn? - Terrible.
- Do you know what was happening? - Yeah? I thought, "I've got to do it cos they're watching," - and then I got into it and I talked myself out of it.
- Ohh! You absolute plant pot! - So 3:16.
65 - Yeah, what did I get? You did it in - .
2 - No! - .
50 - No! - .
point 85.
It's a massacre! This is an absolute massacre.
- It's a slaughter! - It's a massacre! - It's a slaughter! - Which bit did you miss out? Do you know what? This is brilliant, this car.
I mean, the time difference is brutal.
- 26 seconds.
- Wow.
Both of your cars, though - quick.
It's all about the obstacles with mine.
Do we agree that it was the car that did it for Fred? - No! - So we're agreeing on that? - No! You've got a Dacia Duster at the same price, 20 grand.
- 20 grand.
- Get in, the Dirty Rascal! You're a race driver, you've been doing this show for years! It's got live axle I'm just a northerner they've stuck in the other car! That's all I am! Last up, then, there was just the small matter of the Dirty Rascal.
Paddy, you've got to beat 2:50.
Not a problem! - Good.
Are you ready? - Yes! Three, two, one, go! Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I've got to keep it in first.
Here we go.
Slow down, slow down! HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY No, no, no! Ohh! - Oh - Paddy.
There was a bit of a bang at the bottom there.
Tell you what, at least if he goes over, he's got hot drinks before the ambulance gets here! Ohh! Oh, tell you what.
You can keep your Jimnys and your Dacias.
Look at this guy! Here he is.
I can see him down there.
Look at him.
He's going fast as well.
Yeah! Now we're talking! Oh, water run.
Now this is where the Dirty Rascal comes into its own becauseplenty of clearance! Ohh! Oh, dear.
Oh, God.
ENGINE TURNS OVER That's not good.
That's not good.
Uh It's a tricky one.
We've gone past three minutes here, and we've not seen him.
Surely There must be a problem.
Give him a shout.
Paddy, this is Chris.
How am I going to explain this one to the lads? What am I going to tell them? Shall we go and find him? Do we leave him out there a bit longer to suffer, or not? - We don't know what it is.
He might have gone over.
Come on.
- OK.
Guessing the Rascal needed rescuing, we jumped in the nearest thing that might have a chance of towing it and headed out onto the course.
Now then.
Can I getdown here? I can see it.
There's something green down there.
- How about a splash? - Yeah, go on.
Go past.
Go past.
Go, go, go.
Don't stop.
Don't stop.
FREDDIE LAUGHS Jesus! Arsehole! Did you see? He was clambering to get back in the car as fast as he could! That was perfect! The inside of this car is completely full of water.
That is the best thing you've ever done! That is the best thing you've ever done! BLEEP prick.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I know Are you still wet? I tell you what, I thought Chris getting pelted by golf balls dressed as a T-rex was as good as it gets, but that .
you getting splashed, Paddy, was even better.
To be honest, I expect that kind of immaturity from you, but, Christopher, I am very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I've got to say, them Range Rover Sports are I didn't hear you coming until the tsunami hit.
And then my underpants were just obliterated.
But I tell you what - I think I'm onto something with the old mighty Rascal.
Land Rover, if you're watching, call me.
Let's make this happen.
In fairness, the Rascal was better than expected, but because it was you, expectations werelow.
I don't think it was too bad an idea.
It just didn't work.
What we're saying is, we admired the effort, but your car was - .
- Work in progress, lads.
It's a prototype.
There's more to come, as we'll see later in the show, when the Dirty Rascal takes on a much bigger challenge.
But now it's time to meet our Star in a Reasonably Fast Car who, tonight, is Romesh Ranganathan! CHEERING Romesh I want to talk about Misadventures.
- It's a fantastic show.
- Thank you.
You've been all around the world, as 'as us - I think that's a word - what's the worst place you've driven in? UmMongolia was pretty bad, because you're in Ulaanbaatar and it's really packed Yeah.
- Yeah.
- .
and they're very zen about the traffic.
You can't go anywhere because the city is so overpopulated, and I find it rage-inducing, to be honest with you.
But the Mongolians are very chilled out about it.
And then you go out and you're in the middle of nowhere, basically.
What about the hotels? I'll be honest with you.
When I signed up to do the travel show, I had assumed that what happens is that they say, "You're going to be staying here," and then they go, "Cut," and then you get taken somewhere actually decent.
I don't care about authenticity, I just want a comfortable night.
But it turns out that they've got some sort of rule where you actually have to stay where you say you're going to stay, which I find unacceptable.
The thing about Misadventures, Rom, is, you know, the hotels might not be great, but do you choose your co-hosts on that programme? - Cos I watched the Colombian episode - Listen.
What you're about to say is unacceptable.
Can I just say? Because Freddie got me into trouble on this, right? I did the Colombia show, OK, and I had a co-host on this show, right, the show goes out, I get a text message from Freddie.
BRUMMIE ACCENT: "It looks like you're on your honeymoon, mate.
" - Who's that? - That's you.
The thing is, he's picked a beautiful Colombian actress and he's salsa dancing and all sorts with her.
- Ohh! - Listen, first of all, I'm not deriving any enjoyment from that.
I'm dedicated to the show Absolutely.
and I want to deliver LAUGHTER I'm dedicated to the show and I'm trying to present Colombia and if my co-host happens to be attractive, I didn't even notice.
I'm a married man.
It didn't even register with me, so Absolutely.
That is the only show that I've ever done that my wife has watched.
How did that go down? Let's just say I will not be making a return trip to Colombia.
She said to me, "I've heard I should watch what you got up to.
" Cos normally she doesn't care.
You know, if somebody says, "Romesh was flirting," or whatever, she doesn't care because she knows that, looking at me, the chances of me Do you know what I mean? I haven't really got a shot.
So she's quite chilled out about that.
You say that, Rom, but you've upped your game these days, haven't you? You've gone for the high fade, you're trimming the beard, - your clothes are different.
- No - It's a compliment.
I know what you're doing.
- I know what you're doing.
- They do it to me as well.
They do it to me.
- We've never said you look well.
- They do it to you? We've never said you look well, ever, to be honest.
What did you look like before?! He smashed me.
Let's get back to your car history, shall we, Romesh? I'm looking down the list here and two words keep coming up - Vauxhall and Meriva.
OK? How many of these awful things have you owned? - Three.
- What?! Why? Didn't you learn first time? Well, we had one and I wrote it off.
And then we got another one and I wrote that off.
And then I just thought - How, though? How did you do 'em? - Pardon? - How did you write 'em off? Just sheer I can't There's no excuse.
It was just sheer incompetence.
This eye just went completely out of my control and then I was just No, it was down to my fault.
We've been through a lot of cars, mainly because I've written them off, but we did have one where I'd written off one of the Merivas and we got a pay-out for it, and I went and bought a really old Volvo, cos I wanted something safe, cos I thought my track record is not great.
And then I'd just started doing stand-up and I wasn't making any money from it at all, we were completely broke, and then the road tax ran out on the car, so I was due some money from a gig shortly, so I said to my wife, "Look, let's just try and style it out for a bit, "and then when I get the money for the gig, I'll pay the road tax.
" We went out to the shops and we came back and the car was gone, and I phoned up and the car had been impounded for not having any road tax, so I phoned them up and I said, "What's the situation? "How do I get the car back?" They said, "It's a £500 fine "and every day that you have the car here, "before you pay that money, it's £150 a day.
" So I said, "Thank you very much," I put the phone down and said to my wife, "We don't have a car any more," because there was no way I could afford to pay that, so that got written off in a different way.
While I've got you here, this is so handy for me and Chris, because, obviously, you've known Fred and worked with him for a while.
We've worked with him for a while.
- Have you figured him out? - Can I figure him out? No.
I mean, I would say he's wired differently to any other human.
Oh, yes, he is.
- Yes, he is.
- My dad is no longer with us, but he was a massive cricket fan and he loved Freddie.
And now I work with Freddie and Freddie sees me being pathetic at all of these physical tasks, and I just can't help thinking that my dad would be so ashamed, like, "I can't believe you're humiliating yourself "in front of Freddie Flintoff!" Every now and again, when I've failed at some sort of physical challenge in front of Freddie, I just go, "I'm sorry, Dad.
" It wasn't so much the physical challenge, because we played a cricket match.
I'll be honest with you, Rom, I was expecting a little bit more, cos you do like your cricket.
I do love cricket, yeah, but it turns out you need two fully functioning eyes to be really good at it.
Handy! All right, Rom, it's time for the business end of this.
You've told us you've written off cars, but it's time to find out how fast you went round our track in our Reasonably Fast Car.
How do you think it went? Cos the weather out there is awful.
The conditions in which I did the track I would describe as apocalyptic, so, um, I've got to be honest with you, when I got behind the wheel, my main goal was survival Romesh, we don't want to say you went round slowly, but we didn't use a stopwatch - we used a calendar.
Shall we have a look at it? Let's have a look at Romesh's lap.
Here we go, then.
Biblical conditions.
Standing water.
I'm going to try and channel my mum.
I hope my mum's with me.
"Darling, don't brake too soon, OK? "That is a mistake a lot of people make.
" Oh, why can't I stop BLEEP myself? Good line there, Romesh, good line.
The problem is, in these conditions, - you can't see the white lines.
- I couldn't see anything.
You've no idea where you're going.
"OK, ease the throttle as you come out of the bend.
"Let the car do the work, darling.
OK? "That was too rough in there.
"Left side of the tyres, OK? "Dab on the brake.
" Are you anywhere near? You're on the line there.
You're doing a good job.
Under water.
Braking point now for Hammerhead.
Braking point.
Don't brake too soon.
You broke too soon.
You're an absolute tit.
You're on the line.
It's good.
Get the power down, bit of oversteer.
And then let's absolutely hammer it here like a don.
Yes, mate! Bad man tings.
Tyre wall - flat out.
Tyre wall - flat out.
This is terrifying.
- Oh, God! - There were brake lights on through the tyre wall.
"Dab on the brake.
"Easy into the bend, OK? "Don't be a dickhead.
" Second to last, the most difficult corner.
That looks a bit quick.
You could off there.
- Oh, he just about held it together.
- Keep going, keep going.
- This is salvageable.
- Through Gambon.
Keep going.
It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
Come on! And over the line.
Yes! Good effort.
Good effort.
It was bad out there, though, it was bad.
Good effort.
A good effort, Rom.
Right, Romesh First of all, before you start, the conditions - unacceptable.
It was bad.
I should lose 30 seconds.
Romesh, great drivers excel in wet conditions.
I never claimed to be a great driver.
I merely agreed to be on the show.
But looking at the board, Rom, we know where you'd like to be.
But, realistically, where do you think you are? Don't worry about the top half.
LAUGHTER If I'm not on the bottom, I'll be delighted.
That, for me, is my year made.
You're setting your sights high, aren't you? Yeah, because look at it, man.
I've written off three cars.
Guys, you saw the conditions.
It's difficult, right? Guys?! LAUGHTER - Anyway - All right, Romesh.
- Go on.
I don't like the look on your face, mate! I can tell you, you went round - good news - - 1 minute - Oh, that's good.
50 - .
3 - What?! Yes! - .
point 9! Look at this! - Yes! Come on! Come on! Come on! Also, Rom, you've got the VW - very wet.
Very, very wet.
Very wet indeed! Yeah? That's what I'm talking about! Riggidy Ranga's in the house.
Deal with it! Ladies and gentlemen, Romesh Ranganathan! CHEERING AND WHISTLING Time to get back to the Dirty Rascal.
Obviously, it didn't reach its full potential at Millbrook, but that's an artificial environment.
To really shine, you need to really stick it in its natural habitat - somewhere rugged, hilly, post-apocalyptic.
So the producer said there's only one place for it.
The Dirty Rascal was back in business.
I tell you what, she's as good as new, lads.
I've got the snorkel on the top - not a problem if we encounter any more water.
Gravy's on tap.
Beautiful! It needs to be, cos this is proper off-road.
This isn't Millbrook.
This thing needs to be reliable.
Hey-up! Just remind me, why am I sat in the back again, being chucked around? I don't think you'd get in the front.
I really don't.
It's that tight.
Watch the snorkel deal with this now.
Oh, look at that! To test my newly upgraded, battle-ready Rascal, we've been told to head into the middle of the Highlands to a meeting point at an old barn.
Go on.
Thank you.
"So, you reckon you've build a tough off-road machine.
"Time to prove it "with a race against Britain's toughest off-road machine - "these lads.
" These lads? What lads? These lads! Yes, the Dirty Rascal had its work cut out because its race would be a gruelling 20km off-road assault across the moorland .
against a squad of former British Special Forces.
- Fred, they've got guns.
- I might see if I can join them.
- I'm not sitting in the back of this all day.
- You what?! - What? - What happened to the old musketeers' motto - all for one and one for all? I'm just getting chucked round in the back - I'm going to be sick.
They're the best of the best.
I'm going to join them.
We've got tea, coffee, custard and gravy! I'm out.
You all right, lads? MUFFLED REPLIES You don't mind if I tag along, do you? You do know what we're doing, don't you? Just going for a walk, aren't we? Little bit more than that, mate.
I'd sooner take my chances than in there with them two.
- Look at them.
Look at them! - Shocking! Look at his little boy's rucksack they've give him.
They've all got, like, 20-odd kilo in that.
He's got his sandwiches.
KLAXON Come on, let's go.
Come on, lads, let's leave 'em.
We're out of here.
Now, our race to prove the Rascal's all-terrain chops .
had been inspired by the Special Forces' selection test.
A gruelling race hiking across the Highland wilderness finishing at two extraction vehicles positioned on the nearest proper road 20km away.
And since Flintoff's new friends seemed to know where they were going, our plan was simple - follow 'em.
- I can live with this.
- Yeah.
So if we just do this for four, five hours Follow them and then straight past.
Coffee? I'd love a coffee, yeah.
What's our chances of beating these lads? Very high.
Fred, to me, looks like a schoolboy .
being taken on a trip.
HORN BEEPS Oh, he's here.
- Fred! - Yeah? Any chance of your lads getting a wriggle on? We've got to want to get there.
Unfortunately, though, it turns out Special Forces types don't take kindly to this sort of encouragement.
Where are they going now? What have we missed? What have we missed? Cup of tea? Do you want a gravy? It's smoking.
BANG What the BLEEP?! - Jesus Christ! - What the hell was that?! FREDDIE LAUGHS Yellow smoke! HORN BLARES, THEY COUGH Look at the smoke coming out.
We're going to get some distance between us and the vehicle.
COUGHING Get it out! - Is that it? - It just won't go.
Let me get the bi-fold.
Hang on.
- Ohh! Takes your breath away, doesn't it? It's made a right mess of your soft furnishings, that has.
Leaving McGuinness and Harris to sort out the smoking Rascal, the lads hatched a plan to seize the advantage.
We're going to go west shortly.
We're going to try and pick a route he can't get up? Yeah, exactly.
GADGET WHIRS Sucking the smoke out.
Look at that.
That's clearing up now.
Lock the bifold in.
Let's go.
We're losing time now.
Get a shifty on, guys.
The Rascal has got no chance in this.
He's going to have to pick another route.
So the Special Forces' dirty tactics had given them an early lead.
Taking the direct route, they were now heading south, up and over the high ground.
But on the move again, the Dirty Rascal was now following the river and blazing its own trail.
- Wey-hey! - Ohh! - Ooh! - Paddy! Look, look, look, look! It's doing wheelies! Have you been taking lessons from Flintoff? If we're moving like this, we're winning.
Sit-rep on our progress.
This is heavy going.
Pace is dropping.
Problem is, though, I think it's about to get a hell of a lot harder.
Between us, when you're with these lads, Special Forces, you don't try and give owt away.
Just keep nodding your head and saying, "Yeah, I'm good as gold.
" - Let's go, guys! - Oh.
Certain Flintoff's walking holiday would be no match for our pace .
we decided there was time to pull over for a well-earned hot brew.
This is the sort of thing we should be doing more often.
While Flintoff is out there pretending he's Andy McNab, we're here enjoying this beautiful countryside just having a cup of gravy - just two pals relaxing.
There's stuff in here.
That might be a pube.
What I do, I re-use the shower water.
It gets collected in a tray, goes into the machine.
It's all about recycling.
Fully refreshed - and Harris badly needing a toothpick - we got back to our speedy progress along the river.
Is there not an easier track we can take than this? We're trying to win a race, aren't we? - So - But we've got nice flat ground to our right, rubble to our left.
You're driving up a river! - I saw a film - Why are you driving up a river? CLUNK Oh, that's a bit of a Whoa! McGuinness - Paddy - Don't worry about that.
I'll just reverse a little bit.
Best not go into the bank.
You know what's caused that? You.
Talking to me.
Yeah, OK.
And there we go.
Jump out.
Three foot of water.
- I'm not getting out.
- There's no water here.
What about you climbing over me, getting out that bank there? You want me to climb over you? You're not the biggest of blokes, are you? I'm strapped in.
- OK.
Argh! - Oh, God.
HORN BEEPS Christ! HORN BEEPING Ow! My back's stuck.
Hold on.
I'm pinned in, you clown! - HORN BEEPS - I can't move.
- Why? - What are you doing? - I can't move.
What are you doing?! - I got my neck stuck.
- Get out that way.
Right, put your foot on the tyre now.
- I've got you.
- OK.
- That's it.
That's it, you're on.
Right! Push on that front there.
What are you doing? I'm pushing.
My legs are stronger than my arms.
Go on.
It's going.
Go on! Whoa, go on, Christophe! Yeah, baby! We're out, son! Back on dry land, Freddie McNab was making slow but steady progress.
We're going to follow this water source.
It just starts going up and up and up.
Reckon it's going to be the hardest part of the trip, this one.
Just climbing.
Easy, tiger.
- Oh, get up! Yeah! - Yeah! Go on, the girl! Now out of the deep water, we really needed to start covering some ground.
Bit of mud-plugging.
Lovely stuff.
Where are you going? Well, we're heading straight on.
Now, listen, don't do your thing, talking to me.
- CRASH - Oh, God.
- Don't worry about it.
We're stuck there.
We're stuck.
We're definitely stuck.
I'd like to tell you now, in advance of the mayhem, I'm notgettingout.
RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING That's not a good look.
MUSIC: Je T'Aime by Serge Gainsbourg I'm just telling you.
That is NOT a good look.
SQUEAKING CONTINUES I won't be able to unsee that.
This is tough.
It's one thing physically - Come on, guys, keep it going! - .
mentally, you're just trudging.
And the summit doesn't seem to get any closer.
Weather's gone a bit bleak and it's cold as we get higher.
The one thing that's driving me on, though, is the thought of being beat by McGuinness and his Rascal, and that does not want to happen.
Still might, though .
because, somehow, Harris has dry-humped the Rascal out of trouble, and we were back in action.
- Without wanting to state the bleeding obvious - Yeah? .
this terrain isn't necessarily suiting us - cos it's not very quick.
- Yes, exactly.
- We need a track.
- Yes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I've got to work out where we are.
- Ohh! CLUNK I've got to be able to see.
I've got to be able to see CLATTER Oh, God.
I can't stand it when you can't refold a map properly.
Up there.
Whoa! Jesus! Yes! Here it is now.
- Right, speed.
- At last! Now we are cooking on gas.
Now I feel as though we're back in the race now.
And with good reason.
There we go, a bit of snow.
Because The Last Boy Scout might have been approaching the top of his climb, but the Rascal Go on, girl.
was now on a proper track and doing a lot more than walking pace.
Go on, you Rascal! Woohoo! So, more than 15km into our hike, and me and the Special Forces had completed the big climb.
The Rascal was coming up fast on the other side of the mountain, but bad weather at the top was playing into our hands.
Lads are having a bit of a check with the map.
Just to check we're going the right way.
The weather closed in.
Can't see a thing.
I suppose one of the worst things that could happen - you do all that walking and you're going the wrong way.
- That'd just do you in.
- On we go, Freddie.
Oh, we're going.
- Oh, dear.
- That is thick.
It just changes up here like that, doesn't it? Yes.
This could be quite interesting.
And the trouble is, they know where they're going.
We don't.
The low cloud meant we had no chance of finding a route over the top.
This is ridiculous.
Can't see a thing.
All we could do was head back the way we'd come to look for another way round, while on the other sie of the mountain, the Von Trapps were making a breakthrough.
There we go, it opens up.
How much longer have we got of daylight? You can see the sun's dropping.
You're lucky if you're going to squeeze 45 minutes.
- So we need to nearly be finished by then, then? - Yeah.
The weather's clearing a bit.
We're on a downhill track and we can see where we're going.
Where are we going now? Where are we going? You've got the map - left or right? Right.
You've just took a guess at that.
- You've not even looked at it.
- Well, if we're going round the mountain, and that's the mountain, I think we go round that way.
Amazingly, Harris had made the right call and although still a long way back, the Rascal's luck was on the up.
Now on a fast track skirting around the mountain down to the finish, the race was back on.
We need to try and get the speed going a little bit, guys.
I reckon we've got about 20 minutes of light left.
How much distance? We've got around two klicks from here.
- Whoa-oa-oa! - Paddy! - Don't worry.
PADDY LAUGHS They're telling me, "Run! Run!" But my body's saying, "Your knee's knackered, "it's half metal and you're 42! "You can't do it.
" But I want to win! We've got to be near now.
Got to be near.
Come on! Keep it going, guys, come on! We're going to have to finish this now.
Come on! I think we've got this.
I do think we've got this.
- We've spent the last several miles - All right! .
really flying.
Home straight! Come on, guys, keep it going! Come on, keep moving.
You know, I feel like victory's in our sights, my friend.
Last minute, guys, come on! Come on, push it and push it! I can see something distant over there, look.
There's a car there.
- Yes.
- Here it is.
Boom! Oh, Fred.
I've only gone and done it.
That is a victory.
A bit of a celebration.
A bit of a celebration.
Oh, look at that! Ohhh! How did you manage that? I've got the A-Team, haven't I? Lads, very, very well done.
Sterling work.
Sterling work.
Thank you so much for looking after us.
- Are you getting in the back, pal? - Do you mind? - Yes, jump in.
- Get in.
- I'm going to jump in the back of this thing.
As an aside, boys, I know you need a capable off-road vehicle - would you be interested in a Dirty Rascal? Stick it up your arse! CHRIS LAUGHS That is not the attitude, lads.
Right, let's get out of here.
These are things I never thought I'd say - I'm so pleased to see you two! ALL LAUGH CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Ohh! - Shambles.
- Do you know what? - Shambles.
Here we go.
It was just nice to enjoy the countryside, beautiful.
It's not all about the competition, is it? I tell you what, when you do come last, you dust over that bit, don't you? You lost! All you won is Traitor of the Year, sunshine! And there's no shame in losing to the Special Forces.
They're the best in the world and, ladies and gentlemen, the Special Forces are in the room tonight, but you won't notice, because they are masters of disguise, but they are here.
They are here somewhere.
Like chameleons.
Right, getting beaten by the Special Forces, that's one thing.
Getting beaten by an ex-cricketer, on foot An ex-cricketer with a dodgy knee, as well, I'll add.
- You should be ashamed.
- You're on my team! No, no, no.
This is all your own work.
You're on your own.
Look, I admit making a better off-roader than Land Rover Defender for seven grand is tougher than you think, but on the plus side There's a plus side? Let's hear it.
- No.
No, there isn't one.
Shall we leave it there? - Yes.
We're all off for a steaming Vimto, but we'll be back next week, when Chris drives Porsche's new electric car - and we all head off to Peru.
- Peru.
See you then.
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