Trailer Park Boys s05e06 Episode Script

- How's it going, Ray? - Hey, Bubbles.
How you doing, buddy? Listen, you don't have any liquor on you, do you, buddy - Oh, I did have a bit of Christmas liquor, but somebody took it.
- Julian took your liquor? - Yeah.
- Fuck.
- You don't have any food in there, do you, Ray? Anything at all? - You know, Bubbles, I got.
.
Don't tell anybody, but I go t a few cans of ravioli here - Fuck, I need some ravioli.
Hurry.
- Ricky! Rick! Rick, where the fuck's my ravioli? - Ricky.
Ricky.
- My ravioli.
I had nine cans of ravioli in the cupboard and it's all gone.
What did you do with it? - I dunno, Dad.
I had one can.
I think.
- Well, where are the other eight? Fucking Julian took my ravioli and your liquor, Bubbles? (Ricky groaning) Rick, is the coast clear there , buddy? - Yeah, it's clear, Dad.
- Clear, Ray.
- Fucking Julian! - No, no, no, no, Ray, Ray, Ray, what are you doing? Ray, give me my drink back ! - Julian, no! You took all of my ravioli ! - Ravioli? What are you talking about ? - You ate all his ravioli! - This is my fucking drink ! - Rick! - Once you fuck with my dad, I'm in the fight.
That's just the way it is.
Family shit.
So I jumped in and hell broke loose.
Boys, there's something wron g with this thing.
- Are you alright? - Julian, if I don't get a fucking drop of liquor in me , I'm gonna fucking snap! - You just had a bunch of drinks there, Ray.
- When? - What's this about anyway - Break it up.
- I ate the ravioli, okay? I got stoned last night.
I was fucked up 'cause Lucy's been ignoring me and shit.
I didn't think I ate nine cans , but maybe.
I mean, nobody wants to admi t they ate nine cans of ravioli, but I did.
I'm ashamed of myself, , but the first doesn't count.
Then you get to the second then the third.
And the fourth and fifth, I think I burned with a blowtorch.
And then I just kept eating.
I'm sorry.
- I gotta get my trailer back.
I can't fucking live with you guys anymore.
Thanks, Ray.
- Hey, who gave you a drin k of liquor the other day?! The guy in the chair! - A bunch of fucking drinks! (screaming) You spilled half of it! - Well, isn't there a book or something you can read that'll figure this out? - Fuck off, Ricky.
(music) - What are you doing, Mr.
Lahey? - Shit moths, Randy.
- Shit moths? - Shit moths.
They started off as tiny, little shit larvae, Randy, and then they grew into shitapillers.
A pandemic of shitapillars Everywhere you look, Randy , shitapillars.
They almost drove me over the goddamn edge, boy.
I tried to exterminate them, I tried to put an end to the shitapillars life cycle , but I failed.
And now shit moths, Randy.
Every fucking one of them, a shit moth.
- Are you okay, Mr.
Lahey? - A hundred percent, Rand.
Jim Lahey is back.
It's time for drinking, bud.
I've got a little errand for you to run.
You up for it? - Sure.
- I want you to take this over to Ray's trailer.
It's an eviction notice.
(hip-hop music playing) - Not the strongest drink I've ever had, Julian.
- Best I can do, Ray.
- Do you have the tunes loud enough, boys? - Fuck, Julian, you starving for liquor? - Julian, you can go on draining them empty liquor bottles, or you can help yourself to one of these full ma-fuckers.
- I want nothing to do with your greasy old cheesy porn, J-Roc.
- Yeah, J-Roc, fuck off.
- A'ight, we'll find some other ma-fuckers who're down with food and liquor.
And hos.
- I really don't wanna be in another one of J-Roc's grease films, even though I have been in a couple of them so far But I'm really hungry.
What kind of food do you have, J-Roc? - Not much, Bubbles.
Some peanut-butter ma-fucker s and Pop Tarts, frosted brown sugar.
Got some of those.
- Garlic fingers.
- Got liquor there, J-Roc? - All kinds of liquor, Ray .
- You gonna get us free liquor - Well, it ain't free.
- You gotta be in the DVD.
- That's right.
J-Roc's Greasy Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild Everybody in the park know s we shooting this DVD, dawg - J-Roc's Greasy Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild - That's right.
We gonna hav e all kinds of bonus feature My video from Microphone Assassin, my video from my new joint .
Trailer-park life.
, - I ain't doing any greasy shit, man.
I'll do something for you you got free liquor, I'll do it.
- Dad, what are you thinking - C'mon, Rick.
- You're not gonna be in his stupid video? - Yeah, yeah, c'mon.
He's got free liquor.
- Ricky, Pop Tarts! - Let's go get drunk.
- Pop Tarts and chicken fingers.
- It's clear, Ray.
It's clear.
- Ricky? You wanna be up in the DVD ? Spend some time with Lucy? She's my feature performer , dawg.
- Okay, let me put it to you this way.
Couple of years ago, I wouldn't have done it, but now I've got these cans, I figure I may as well show off, you know? - Yeah, that's cool.
I can understand that.
But this video is gonna be around for-friggin'- ever.
- Let's clean up this driveway , Rick.
It looks like shit.
- Can't Corey and Trevor fucking clean it up? - Nope, gave them the day off.
- You gave Corey and Trevo r the day off? Your little precious Corey and Trevor, "Ooh, I'll give them the day off.
I won't give me a day off.
"I work fucking 80 hours a week - So do I.
We're like supervisors, though - What the fuck do you want, Randy?! - Boys, I don't want any trouble with you.
I'm here to see Ray to give him some documents - Well, he's not here, alright ? So fuck off.
- Well, where is he? - Do you see him? - Ray! - He's not here, went to Fuck Off Island, where you should be.
- Get out of here.
- Gotta give him these documents Ricky.
- Give them to me.
- No, I can't give them to you .
- Yes, you can.
- I can't.
They're eviction papers.
He's got to get out of here.
This place is all burned, looks like shit.
Look, the couch is burnt, trailer's burnt, driveway looks like crap.
- You're fucking burnt, Randy! We should fucking evict you! Frig off.
Get the fuck outta here! Get the fuck out of here and leave the driveway and us alone.
And my dad.
- Leave Mr.
Lahey out of this, Mr.
Friggin Dick! - Oh, Mr.
Drunk Guy, back in his trailer, fucking probably loaded, passed out? Yeah, I'll leave him alone - Ricky, I'm gonna take my pants off and kick your ass I've wanted to since you got out of jail.
You mention one more thing about Lahey, that's gonna happen, bud.
- One more? - Yeah.
- He's drunk, crazy, fucking lunatic.
I hate him.
Fuck him and fuck you.
- Julian, I didn't want this to happen I told ya, I didn't want any trouble - - Randy.
Stand down and get out of here.
- Why you gotta take your pants off to fight me - They're a little tight, Rick , and I wanna kick your ass.
- Well fucking get them off, then, let's go.
- Ricky! Don't touch my pants! - Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys - Ricky! They're mine! - That's enough! - They're my friggin' pants.
- Randy.
- If I wanna take my pants off , I'll take em off! - Let's get it on, Randy.
- Listen to me.
Ray's over there at J-Roc's! So get away from us! Alright Get! Hey, hey, that's enough .
Come on, move along.
Let's go.
- Gimme that back! - You're fucking lucky you can't talk into that right now, I'll tell you that.
- Ow.
You guys are jerks.
I'm going over there right now - Fuck you, Randy.
- Oh, yeah, one more thing - I'm telling Mr.
Lahey everything about this! , - No, no, listen.
Stop decorating my trailer it looks like shit.
I'm buying it back soon.
- Frig you, Rick! Dicks! It was awful, Mr.
Lahey.
Ricky's being refractory again - What happened, Randy? - Oh, he tried to fight me Ripped my pants off.
- Did you serve Ray the eviction notice? - I didn't get a chance to Mr.
Lahey.
He's over at J-Roc's.
- Fuck! Birds of a shit feather flock together, Randy.
But I got a feeling Ray is gonna be the first to fall.
Coup de grace, boy.
- When they're gone, we can rent their lots out to nice, respectable people, right, Mr.
Lahey? - That's absolutely right, Randy.
I can almost feel this going down right now, boy.
I've known Ray for close to 30 years.
I knew him when he drove a rig He was a loser then, he's a loser now.
But I live by one golden rule.
You don't cross my shit line , I don't cross your shit line But when he told everybody that I was drinking again, he crossed the goddamn shit line.
- I'm shooting a DVD today , up in this piece.
(music playing) - Ray, this is gonna be greasy .
Should we be doing this? - Don't worry, Bubbles, nobody's ever gonna see this - What's up, Bubs? You ready t o get drunk and dirty, ma-fucker - Well, I'll get dirty, J-Roc, if you need me to, but let's get the food going .
- J-Roc, how about some liquor for the guy in the chair here? Free liquor, is what you said.
- A'ight, Ray, I promised.
Trevor, let's get some drink s for Ray.
The man in the chair gets some drizinks up in his piece.
- Trevor, give me the bottle , buddy.
Thanks.
- You said food too, though.
What about those garlic fingers? - Man, you'll get food as soon as we shoot the DVD, Bubbles Just calm down and relax.
- Can't we have it now, though Something? - No, you B.
s I can't have ma-fuckers in my video eating hot dog and chicken fingers and shit .
Ray! - Come on, Ray.
- Come on, now! That ain't right, man.
- You spilled it all over me - Well, then suck it out your shirt, you B! I said you could have a couple of drinks, not a whole bottle.
- There's a couple of drinks on my shirt there, man.
- Keep the bottle, but that's all you get for the day You got to pizace yourself We're keeping it real, that' s why we have real ma-fuckers.
So when ma-fuckers buy it, watching in the hotel, they see themselves represented, right? That wardrobe is whack.
- That shit is whack.
You need a new getup, man.
- We ain't doing Truckers Gone Wild.
- J-Roc, you said real, man.
You wanted it real.
This is what I am.
This is real.
- It's too real, man.
You go t some other shit you can put on - Lucy, I need to talk to you.
She's not gonna really be in J-Roc's little grease film, is she? - It's none of your business - I need to talk to her.
- I don't want you inside, okay? - Sarah, I've been fucking fighting people all day and I don't want to, but I wil I fight you if I have.
I gotta talk to her.
- I'll fightyouif I have to.
What the fuck should I let you inside for? - Fine, let's fight, then.
Is that what you want? I just wanna talk to her for two minutes and try to convince her not to be in a porno film.
That's the mother of my child.
- Okay, you got two minutes.
- Thank you, Sarah.
- Lucy, I heard you're gonna b e in one of J Roc's films, or some shit.
Is that true ? Please tell me it's not.
- What's the big difference? You did the same thing a couple years ago when you were in J-Roc's porno-movie thing.
- Nobody saw that and I didn't really do anything.
I didn't get it on with anyone .
- Oh, right, you got a little problem in that area.
- Very funny, Sarah.
- I forgot about that.
m - Lucy, I don't want the mothe r of my child in some porn fil that's gonna be in grocery stores and convenience stores.
People are gonna take it hom and you're gonna be on their TV.
- Yeah.
- I don't want that.
- What the fuck is your problem? You got nothing to do with it.
- I thought we were kinda getting back together here - You know what? I don't have time to talk with you about this.
'Cause I'm fucking late, but you're welcome to come watch - See you later.
Good job talking her out of it - T, you rolling, man? - Yeah, man, we're good to go.
- Alright, B, just need to get some smoke up in this ma.
Ray, this is the tightest thin g you ever seen in your life So you're gonna dance for that ma-fucker in the chair.
And at a certain point, you're gonna put your hand on your head when you're dancing and, Ray, we gonna get you up out of the chair.
It's gonna be tight.
- I should probably just sit here and drink.
- No, the dancers have the power to heal.
That's the whole point of the DVD, right? - Look at that, Mr.
Lahey.
Well, I'll be.
Little Jamie's got a smoke machine.
- I'm gonna go give this to Ray.
- Not so fast, Deputy.
- What do you mean? We gotta give these to Ray I know he's in there, Mr.
Lahey.
- Randy, sometimes it's a lot bette r to watch a shit tree grow than to try to kick the shit fruit out of it.
- Now stand up, Ray.
- You said - - Stand up, then take a drink, boy.
It's free liquor.
That's right .
Now you gotta dance.
Know what I'm saying? Dance Cut.
Bubbles, you know what I'm saying? I need you to get greasy, B.
Get them shits off then, if you need to, but I need to see some ass life.
e - J-Roc's making his little grease film her e and he thought it's appropriat for me to just start slappin g that lady on her bum.
But I'm not comfortable doing that, to tell you the truth.
I mean, I don't even know her.
I can't just walk up and start slapping her badonkadonk.
J- Roc's previous works that I was in, I mean, I was playing a different character.
, Corporal Lexie I played in From Russia With LoveBone and I played a lumberjack in The Bare Pimp Project, but now I'm just being myself.
I mean, I don't wanna be known as the guy that just walks u p and slaps badonkadonks.
- Hey, you down with feet? Me too, beat.
Know what I'm saying? There's all kind of feet up in J-Roc's Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild All kinds of girls, too.
Wild girls like this girl here She my girl from way back, right? And this girl over here, we used to be real tight.
Now we're a'ight, but we still roll together You could roll with shorties like this too, if you buy J-Roc's Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild A'ight, T? Grab the camera, B.
You rollin'? - Yeah, we're good to go.
- A'ight.
Bubbles, this here is the big scene, It's the Bubble scene before the bubble bath, B.
So you gotta spin some bubbles up in that ma-fucker, and you ladies is drinking , right? You wild, right? You drinking, you dancing all up on Bubbles.
You can't stand how wild them bubbles is.
A'ight, Bubbles? Introduce yourself, blow some bubbles - Then some hot dogs, right? - Yeah, that's right.
We got all kinds of food for you.
But this scene's real important.
We gotta get it first.
A'ight.
Action.
- Alright, this is Bubbles in J Roc's Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild Keeping it real.
Keeping bubbles coming.
Yeah.
- Man! Cut! Ray! Truck-drivin', passed-out, Phantom 309 mothafucker! , - There's nothing wrong with a guy having a few drinks mingling with the people and shit.
But the guy had a whole fucking quart to himself, , he got smashed, he's fucked up out of his mind wheeling through shots backward, fucking everything up, man He doesn't even know how much we spent on all this equipment to get the shit rolling right.
- It ain't right, it ain't tight.
- Holy frig, Mr.
Lahey.
Look! We hit the jackpot! - Bingo.
Mr.
Stupid didn't eve n hide the evidence, Randy.
Get your shit basket out, we're about to start harvesting.
Time to call in the heavies.
- Oh, Mr.
Lahey - - I'd like to speak to the Parcel Pick Up manager, please Yeah, Jim Lahey here, Sunnyvale Trailer Park.
- Man, what the fuck are you guys doing over there? - We're just looking for our kitty.
- You guys are over here snooping around, man! - Excuse me.
We're just checking things out here.
- Hey, Lahey, get the fuck out of here, man.
- Listen, Tyler, you don't have to get mouthy - Oh, now you calling me Tyler .
It's not Tyler, it's T.
- I beg your pardon, Mr.
T .
We're just checking things out - Oh, now you got jokes, right ? Now you got jokes.
- Listen, I'm out of your face , alright? - Get outta here, man, get the fuck outta here, man You too, get out of here.
- We weren't doing anything.
- There's no cheeseburgers back there.
- Hey, hey.
Keep your hand s off him, you understand me - Well, you guys get off this property, then.
This is not your property.
Out here snooping around.
- We're leaving.
- There's no cheeseburgers or there's no liquor, so get the fuck out of here.
- Lucy, why are you doing this to me If it's about the money, fuck it.
I'll pay you twice as much not to be in the goddamn thing - Ricky, you don't have any fucking money, remember? - Ricky, who gives a shit.
It doesn't matter.
I'm not gonna be taking of f most of my clothes and no one ever sees the shi t that J-Roc makes anyway.
- J-Roc, what the fuck is going on here?! - I'm trying to shoot my DVD , Ricky.
My performer's late - Hey, man, sorry we're late .
It's not our fault.
You got the money? - I already shot the shit that you were supposed to do - Oh, fuck J-Roc.
, - You can do some of the freakier shit, though if you want to, girl.
- Alright.
- Like what kind of freaky shit? - Come on inside, we'll talk about it some.
I'm not gonna be in your fucking video.
- Lucy, please don't do this .
- Oh, Ricky, gimme a break - How the fuck did my dad get so drunk? - He drank a quart, Ricky.
- Dad.
Dad, are you alright? - I love you buddy.
- Holy fuck.
Lucy! I don't want you being with other people, alright I thought we were kinda together again right now and.
.
I dunno, this is fucked up I don't want you to be in a porn flick.
(Bubbles): J-Roc! My fuck, its the 5-0 up in his piece, T! - Don't worry, buddy, we're gonna be a'ight, Lahey's there too, T.
- Oh, fuck, it's a fucking LB too.
- That's the fucking law bitch from the grocery store, man! Who are you pointing at, skeleton? - Okay, folks, this little party's over.
Let's go.
- Corey and Trevor violate d a peace bond with Ricky, right - Do you have an explanation for all those grocery bins - Them bins that Corey and Trevor brought here with the candy? Them ma-fuckers with the erections? I dunno.
- Well, it doesn't much matter , you're coming with us anyway Jamie, let's go.
- What for? As a witness or some shit, for Corey and Trevor? - You're under arrest.
Let's go.
- I didn't do nothing, man ! (shouting) - Let's go, Jamie.
- What for?! - We didn't do nothing, man.
- Come on! - I gotta grab my smoke machine.
- Great, it's evidence.
- No, it's a fire hazard if I leave this shit going - Look, easy or the hard way , which way do you wanna go? - I ain't going nowhere! - You're going with me! - Tell me what I'm arrested for man.
Ain't you gonna tell me what I'm being arrested for? This is bull-ish! - Put him inside! - She's touching me in a sexual way! - You're fucked and always will be.
Fucked - This is just the beginning , Richard.
- You're losing it; you better stay the fuck away from me - That's enough, Ricky.
Take your father home before I arrest him for public intoxication.
- I'm trying to.
This is bullshit.
- Ricky, you keep pushing it and I'm gonna push back hard You don't want me to push you.
- Just a second.
Jesus Christ.
Why do you guys still have erections?! The cops are here! Why do you have erections? - I told you guys to take care of that! Point them up, I told them (shouting) e - Any ma-fucker wanna tell m why it is I'm being arrested with my candy? I can't even breathe up in this piece! Open the door, ma-fucker.
- He's a jackass.
- You know what? You were so right, fucking, again.
- I'm the fuck out, man.
J- Roc's Trailer Park Girls Gone Wild Keep it real, dawg.
- Boys, boys, boys, we gotta be really careful now, okay? Ricky, are you listening to me ? - Yeah.
- If we let our guard down for one second, that fucking crazy lunatic's gonna be all over us.
- Dad - Ricky, he's all fuckin' tangled up in it.
- His foot's caught in the goddamn lawn chair.
- Hey! Randy, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (laughing) Hoo-hoo-hoo! - What is it, Mr.
Lahey? - Fuck with me, will you, Ray? Ray is going to jail, Randy! - If we call the cops, they won't come here.
- We don't have to call the cops, Randy.
Who pays Ray's disability? - Worker's Comp.
- What happens if we call Worker's Comp, Randy? - They'llcall the cops.
- Randy we might be polishing off two bottles of rye tonight, boy.
(Bubbles): I'm sorry.
- Oh, fuck, Dad.
- Sorry I let him get so drunk , Ricky, but I was distracted with the boobs and the dancing - Boys, boys, boys, boys.
- Cops, cops.
- What the fuck - (brakes squealing) - Is going on now? What the hell are you guys doing here this time? - Rick, your dad's being charged with disability fraud, all the way back to 1989.
- What are you talking about He's in a chair.
How the fuck is that a frog? - Everyone knows that Ray doesn't need the chair.
- What are you doing?! - Look at that.
It's a miracle - Dad, your legs must be fucking killing you, aren't they? - Ah! Ahhh! - Get back in your chair, buddy.
See, he can't walk.
He needs his fucking chair - What a fucking prick job that was, buddy! Ah, fuck.
- Liquor, Ray? Drunk, lying around on the couch? - Fuck off.
- He had a couple drinks at a party.
There's nothing wrong with that.
- Don't make me have to pick you up and put you in the cruiser.
- Well, how'm I gonna get there? 'Cause I can't fucking walk! - What the fuck do you need these for? - Gonna make balloon animals later, Ricky.
- No way.
- Randy.
- Jim, give me a hand? Officers.
- You guys aren't serious? You're not taking my dad away! Fuck that! - You've just declared war , Lahey.
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah? You're gonna wag e war from a jail cell, Ray? I'm real scared.
Ray, you're gonna do time.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
But don't worry, Ray Your stupid son Ricky will be joining you real soon.
Speaking of stupid - and we were, Ray - your son Ricky is really stupid.
- What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Lahey? Huh? - Ipso facto, Ricky.
- Ipso fuckoffo.
Dad? - We'll see you soon, Rick - What the fuck is that supposed to mean? - You tell me.
What's it supposed to mean - You guys are going to jail , 'cause we're suing you.
Fucking with paralis guy in a fucking chair.
He's got fucking paralisis - I said it before and I'll say it again.
When you plant shit seeds, you get - Shit weeds! - Shit weeds.
Right, Randy You know, it's not illegal to be disabled, but it is illegal to pretend to be disabled and to get money for doing it.
- Yeah, it's like those people that park in the handicapped - Parking spaces.
Right? - Mm-hmm.
- We don't do that anymore , do we? - Randy.
(music)