Trailer Park Boys s05e07 Episode Script

The Winds of Shit

- What's going on here, Mr.
Lahey? - Putting it on the market, bud.
- I thought we were trying to sell it to Julian? - Listen, at the price I'm asking, no one in their right mind's gonna buy it.
Julian is never gonna let his grandmother's trailer be sold on the open market .
We keep raising the price, Julian's gonna have to raise more money to buy it.
And the only way Julian can raise money is breaking the law, Randy Breaking it.
The law, Randy.
Breaking the law.
- Then we'll catch him in a shit snare.
Right, Mr.
Lahey (rattling) - How's the carts going there, Bubs? - They're all fucking mangly , Julian.
Hey, Ricky.
- How's it going, Rick? - I'll tell you.
I just saw the old man in jail and he's fucking losing it Let's start selling hash.
Gotta bail him out.
It'll be about five grand, so I'll sell at old-folks homes, fucking dental colleges, go door to door, churches, whatever it takes.
- Listen, listen, stop cutting the hash, okay? - Julian! - We're not gonna sell it this way, Ricky.
- I gotta get him out of fucking jail! - Boys, boys! Boys! - Here comes Lahey.
- Hide it! - Fucking Lahey.
- 'Morning, gentlemen.
Beautiful day.
- ItwasLahey.
- Julian, I put a For Sale sig n up on the old homestead.
It's on the market, bud.
- Fuck, you're not gonna do this to me, Lahey.
Listen, I'm gonna have the money real soon.
- You wanna fuck with the ol d man? You fucking wait, Lahey You got yours fucking coming , I'll tell you that.
- Here's a little memento to remember him by.
While he's rotting in his stinky little jail cell Cheers, boys.
(bottle smashing) - Fuck! (music) t All this money sitting her e and I can't sell a little bi to get the old man out of jail ? That's fucked, Julian.
- Rick, Rick, Rick.
We're gonna sell it, okay? We just need a perfect plan.
- What's wrong with going door to door? Lots of people smoke dope.
They're gonna buy it.
- It's careless, okay? We start ripping this stuf f and going door to door, you're gonna get caught.
And Lahey's gonna be the one to catch us.
- Don't even fucking mention Lahey's name right now, alright? It's his fucking fault I'm in this situation.
Sonofabitch, prick, idiot, drunk fuck! Where do you wanna sell it - Where'd you sell the most dope ever in your whole life, Ricky Where'd you make the most money? - One of the best thing abou t school, from my perspective, is everybody smokes dope.
So you can sell a lot of dope.
I mean, everybody smokes - students, teachers, guidance counsellors, people that work in the library, the guys that polish floors, janitors, the cafeteria workers.
So I'm gonna go back to school , sell some dope and, uh, do a bit of book learning at the same time.
Can't fucking wait.
Dartmouth Regional Vocational School? Julian, are you fucked in the head? I thought we were going to fucking high school.
I can't go to fucking vocational school - Rick, you're not selling has h in high school, alright? You're old enough to be a teacher in high school, Rick s Think.
- Yeah, but the learning thing that you get at fucking spoken out and trying to get up in ther e and then you gotta Fuck - Rick, Rick, Rick.
- I can't do this, man.
My brain doesn't work this way .
It's not college level.
- This is the perfect place to sell hash.
We are not gonna get caught.
Everything'll be fine.
Come on.
- You'll do alright, Ricky - Think about your daughter.
Think about Lucy.
They're gonna be impressed with you.
They're gonna be so fucking proud of you, man Come on, let's go.
- Julian, this brain barely go t through fucking Grade 7.
Well, Julian's been all paranoid lately, with fucking Lahey and all these books he's reading, for fucksakes.
e He says it's too risky for m e to have a bunch of hash on m around schools that do these random searches, f so he used this big-smart-thinking stuf n to come up with this new pla where I just take orders for hash in the daytime, get people's locker number and combinations, then at night, we break in to the school, if there's money in the lockers, we just drop the hash off there.
Use the honourly system.
And hopefully it's gonna work out good.
They're not gonna let me in here.
If they do, there's not a fucking chance I'm gonna get a greeting card.
Think about it, I'm stupid .
- Rick, listen to me.
Don't let school shit distract you.
You're here for one reason and that's to sell drugs.
Stay focused, man.
- There's two ways to look at it, really.
Either you go to school to learn, or you go to school to sell drugs, and Ricky's here to sell drugs I mean, maybe if it was unde r different circumstances, he could learn something, but Julian wants him just to sell drugs.
It's kind of ironic, really.
- Think about selling drugs.
Fuck school, alright? Good luck, man.
- Ricky, you can't smoke in here.
- What? - You can't smoke! Julian, you think they're gonna let him in here? - I fuckin' hope so, man.
- Look, I just wanna basically come to your school and do some book learning, okay? I've only got my Grade 10, which I don't think is a big deal.
, Some people might.
My dad just got thrown in jail so I need to get some shit going here, with a job and stuff so basically, you know A lot of people might say I'm stupid.
I dunno.
I don't think I am.
I'm probably smarter than that I mean, this thing here is smarter than me, I guess, but it has a battery.
But if I can get enough good brain thinking going at your school, , maybe I can get a job, which I need, get my dad out of jail buy shit for my daughter.
That's what I'm thinking here.
- Well, sorry, school's already started, so there's nothing I can do there.
- Ah, fuck, are you serious? - But we are interviewing custodians, if you're looking for work .
- What? Interviewing what? - Janitors.
- Janitors? I'm not I'm not qualified to do that .
Weren't you listening? I've only got my Grade 10.
- Well, you don't need a Grade 10, but you have to go through the interview process.
- Really? Well how about we skip the interview process and I give you a little bi t of this stuff to basically say that I've got the job and give me one of those jackets right over there.
I want Ricky on the sleeve and Grade 10 on the other sleeve , Well, basically, I couldn't get into school 'cause school already started, which is bullshit, so I made a little deal with this guy g and got a job as a janitor , so now I'm kind of pretendin to go to school here and as far as everybody knows, I do go to school here.
I got a fucking jacket.
I'm gonna tell Lucy, everybody , that I am going to school.
What's the big deal? It's not that big of a lie - Ray! Ray! - How's Ricky doing? - He's doing great, man.
- Awesome.
- He got into vocational school.
- Dartmouth Vocational School? - Dartmouth Regional.
- No shit! Oh, fuck, that's fantastic! Right on - Listen, Ray, I got some bad news, bud.
It's a bit of a cash-flow problem right now and, uh you're gonna have to stay in jail a little longer.
- How much longer, man? - Not that long, just like a month, six weeks .
I'm working on it, though.
- Oh, fuck, man, no.
No.
- Ray, I'm working on it.
It might be three weeks.
Come on, man.
Listen, all you gotta do is keep a low profile, okay? And I'm gonna work on getting you out.
- Low profile, Julian? What, are you reading books again? - What's wrong with reading books? - Nothing, but there's onl y one book that counts, Julian It's the bible.
It says to help your friends - Does it say anything about you ripping off insurance companies, pretending you're in a wheelchair , and then getting caught, drunk dancing with hos, making porn flics? Huh? Anything in your book about that, Ray? - It's open to interpretation, Julian.
It's the bible.
- C'mon, Ray, just hang on , alright? Hang in there.
- I gotta go, man.
I gotta go.
Listen, tell Ricky I love him, okay, man? - Alright.
- Are we gonna leave Ray in there? - Bubs, I need to get my grandmother's old trailer back He's stupid enough to get caught, he can do another month.
Whoop-dee fuck.
- What about Cyrus, though ? I mean if he gets him? - Bubs, Bubs, Bubs, they're gonna be in there for three of four years.
Fuck those guys, alright? I'm more concerned about fucking Lahey.
He's not in jail.
- Yeah, and he's drunker and fucking crazier than ever.
- Let's get the fuck out o f here.
- Was that a double or a triple, Mr.
Lahey? - That'll be fine, Randy.
You know, boy, it's never been clearer to m e in my life.
Julian is a criminal, and to take a criminal down, you gotta think like a criminal.
Intimidation is the key, Randy An individual who is intimidated fucks up.
D'you fix that yet? - The muffler's on back order, Mr.
Lahey.
- You know, Randy, when those assholes are back in prison, I won't have to drink anymore.
- Now word's around school that I'm selling hash.
Everybody is coming up to me buying hash.
This whole school smokes fucking hash.
- Ricky's doing awesome.
I hav e never seen him doing better.
You know, he got his Grade 10 - Awesome - and now he's going forward he's going to community college, he's making - - You are so in love with him.
It's not that big a deal.
- It's not that big a deal - No.
- Do you know anyone who's gone to community college? Name one person.
- I can name one person who goes to jail every year.
Ricky! - Yeah, I'll talk to my partner.
It shouldn't be a problem.
I think it's important that me and Trinity spend a lot more time together I mean, who taught Trinity how to drive? Not Lucy.
Me And I can teach Trinity a lot of things.
That's what fathers are supposed to be doing.
I dunno.
Lucy's been tryin g to be in porno movies and every goddamn thing, which I didn't agree with and I'm glad she didn't do it.
So I dunno.
Whatever it takes.
I just wanna get back with them.
- Are you Ricky? - Yeah, you need some hash - Yeah.
- How much do you need? - Five grams.
- That'll be 40 bucks.
Just leave it in your locker - Okay.
- It'll be there in the morning.
What's your locker number? - Twenty-two.
- Combination? - Nine, 23, 60.
- Perfect.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
So I mean, I'm gonna suggest to Lucy r that maybe we get back togethe and I'd like to get a traile r once we sell all this dope Maybe we can move in together, I dunno.
I think it'd be great for al I of us to be a family again I'm a good cook.
Teach Trinity how to cook.
Teach her about some small-engine repair and stuff.
Sorry Mr.
Olsen.
You throwing these shelves out Cool.
I'm just gonna grab those, if you don't mind.
Thanks.
Sorry, I just had a stressful fucking day, and this stupid thing here .
Why is this even here? Anyway, I'm leaving.
Sorry about that.
- Look, Mr.
Lahey! - Down, Randy, down! - It's Ricky! - What's he doing? - He's throwing out the garbage, Mr.
Lahey.
Camera, Randy.
Come on.
Let's go, let's go, let's go Wait, wait, wait.
Whoa.
Who takes out the garbage, Randy? - I don't know, Mr.
Lahey.
- The janitor, Randy.
He's the goddamn janitor! - Look, Mr.
Lahey.
We got him.
He's taking off the coveralls.
What the fuck's he up to, Randy? - I don't know.
- Now what's he doing? - It's a school jacket, Mr.
Lahey.
- A school jacket? - Yeah.
- You ever see a janitor wea r a fucking school jacket before - No.
- Holy fuck that smells good .
That should be plenty, man That's over twelve pounds.
What do you think? - Perfect, buddy.
Good job .
You coming or what, Bubs? - No, Julian, I'm not.
I don't wanna fucking brea k into the school.
I just wanna relax tonight .
Work on these fucking things - Alright, we'll see you in a couple of hours, buddy.
- Boys, boys, boys, boys.
Lahey's watching us.
Don't look back.
Don't look back.
Bubs, go distract him.
- What?! - Distract him.
Get him out of here.
- Hi there, Mr.
Lahey.
How you doing? Just having some drinks, are you? - Supervising the park, Bubs .
That's what I do.
- Everything's fine down here.
Maybe you could supervise down that end of the park.
- Not a problem, Bubs.
I have to phone the real-estate agent! I just remembered! Thanks for reminding me! Lot of interest, Julian, even at 12-5! - Don't fuck with me, Jim.
- On second thought, Julian, maybe I will come with you Not hang around here with that drunk bastard.
- What'd you call me, Bubbles? - Nothing.
(Ricky): Get the fuck out of here, Lahey! - Nothing.
- You know what a shit barometer is, Bub? - No.
- Measures the shit pressure in the air.
You can feel it.
Listen, Bubs.
Hear that? Sounds of the whispering winds of shit.
- What the fuck are you going on about? - Can you hear it? - No, I don't hear anything.
- Oh, but you will, my sorry little friend, when the shit barometer rises, and you'll feel it too.
Your ears will implode from the shit pressure.
You were warned, Bubs.
But you picked the wrong side.
Beware, my friend.
Shit winds are a-coming.
- Alright, boys, looking good, looking good, looking good Okay, Bubs, you wait here.
We're gonna be in and out in 10 minutes, alright? Make sure everything is cool out here.
- Fuck that, Julian.
I'm not waiting out here by myself I don't like it out here.
- Well, come in with us.
Give me a hand, then, come on.
- Well, trafficking narcotic s in a government building, that's fucking great.
Did anybody think to bring a flashlight? Bubbles did.
- Where the fuck d'you get the keys? - I found them, man.
- How'd you know which key to use? - I didn't.
- But you went right through , first try.
- Well, that's what I'm saying - Holy shit, look at all the books! - Fuck off with the books, Julian, I'm serious.
- I wanna get the fuck outta here.
I'm scared in here - What are you scared of, Bubs ? (strange noise) - Boys, listen.
(blowing sound) Those are the shit winds Lahey was talking about.
- There's no fucking shit wind s or winds of shit, Bubs.
Don't worry about that.
- Well, they're some kind of fucking wind.
- Don't listen to Lahey! He's drunk and he's fucking insane, man Here's the deal.
Ricky, you take care of downstairs.
We're gonna take care of the lockers upstairs.
Meet me back at the car in 10 minutes.
Don't fuck around.
- I gotta take a piss first.
- Piss later, alright? Later ! - Fine, I'm taking this.
- Focus on the hash.
Lockers, hash, lockers.
- I'm taking this fucking flashlight, 'cause there's two of yous and only one of mes.
- Why do you get a flashligh t and we get an old lighter? - 'Cause you guys got twic e or three times as many eyes.
(strange blowing noise) - Okay, Locker 15.
He gets 14 grams.
- Get 14 in there, Bubs.
I need some more light, Bubs - Jesus Christ.
Julian, I only have two fucking arms - I know, I know.
We gotta go quick, man.
- Ah, fuck, I gotta piss.
(strange blowing noise) - Julian, there's a bag of chips in here.
Do you think it'd be a big dea I if I took some? - Fucking take them, man.
(strange noise) (flushing and crashing noise ) (gunfire) - Holy Christ, Ricky's in a gunfight! - Go in the car, go in the car .
I'll be right back.
(gunfire) - Fuck! - Ricky! Ricky, what the fuck's going on?! - Who the fuck is out there? - What the fuck's going on , Ricky?! - Julian? - What the fuck is up here, man, what are you shooting at? - You won't fucking believ e what's going on in here.
Winds of shit, buddy.
- The winds of shit?! - Yes.
- What the fuck? What are you talking about , Ricky? - There's only fucking one explanation.
I'm telling you right now.
Maybe two.
, I could've fallen down, tripped over myself, I dunno the gun went off, pissed on myself.
Guns fucking going off big-time.
Or ghosts.
There's fucking ghosts here! - Ricky, fuck! - The fucking urinal flushed by itself! - They're supposed to flush! - Since when? - Let's get out of here! - I didn't put all the has h in the lockers yet! - It doesn't matter.
Let's go! Come on! - What about the customers - You wanna go to jail, you fuckhead?! - Fucksakes! - Boys, what the fuck took you so long and what happened in there ? - I got attacked in the fucking bathroom by the shit-wind ghosts or something.
- Shit winds?! - Ricky, enough with this fucking goddamn shit winds Keep your eyes peeled.
- Fuck, boys.
- Omigod, the cops! Ricky, the cops.
Do we have any dope on us? - No big deal, boys.
- Get us out of this, Ricky.
- If anybody asks, I'm a fucking janitor here - Alright, turn the car off.
Now.
- Holy fuck, boys, settle down .
- Now.
Turn it off.
Hands up where I can see them.
- Yessir, yessir.
- Everybody, hands up.
You guys having a busy night , are you, or how are things going ? - You have a beverage there? - Uh - What's in that beverage? - Okay, can I just explain - - What's in that beverage, sir - That is I'm not gonna lie to you, it's rum and coke.
And I'll tell you what, I' m not drinking, I'm the driver This guy's getting married .
We were having a stag party.
- Now we've had reports of gunshots here.
- You know anything about that ? - Yes, I do, actually.
I'm the one who called you guys.
Bunch of little fuckers, I don't know who they were , they, uh At first I thought it was firecrackers, then I saw one of them, he did this motion where he pulled something, I think it was a gun.
- Kids or adults? - Kids, adults.
Kids, I think.
- Ah, goddamn.
Kids again.
Fuck.
Did you see them? - Yeah, I did.
One guy had long, gravy-coloured hair.
There was another guy - - Goddamn.
- -with darker, braidy things going on I chased them out of here about two weeks ago.
I should've called you then, I didn't.
- We threw coffee away for this.
Jesus, man.
I'll tell you.
The day we're having.
Goddamn kids! (Bubbles): That was awesome.
How did you come up with the janitor thing like that? - I can't believe he didn' t even get you on open liquor.
- Just drive out of here slowly, man.
- Roll me a joint, Bubs.
Holy fuck, I'm stressed now.
- Ricky, just wait till we get back to the park - Ah, fuck, boys.
I got something going on with this What's this thing here? The appliance right inside here.
- Ricky, they're waiting for you, man.
Pull out.
- Fucking thing is killing me.
I got that heart-congestion shit again.
Fuck! (birds chirping) - Boys.
- Ah! - Boys, Ricky, wake up, man.
I've got a drink for you, buddy.
Rick, Rick.
Great job with the cops last night, man.
We made a shitload of money, boys.
- Got enough to bail the old man out now, buddy - Uh, I was talking to Ray and he doesn't wanna get out yet - What? - Yeah, he's in some kind of stop-gambling program or something.
Wants to stay in for another week.
He's having a great fuckin g time, though, man.
- Really? - Yeah.
Go spend some time with your family, Rick.
You deserve it, buddy.
I gotta grab something to eat.
- Yeah, I'm gonna run thos e shelves up to Trinity, I guess Hey, girls.
- Good morning! - Hey, Ricky.
Whoa.
- College boy just dropped off some shelves for his daughter.
- Very nice.
- Neat.
Cool! - Nice jacket there, college boy.
Looks good.
- Sorry to barge in on you ladies, but today is lot-fee day.
- We paid our lot fees, Lahey.
- You came to collect them in your goddamn underwear, drunk as hell at 8 a.
m.
? - Ricky, I notice there's a little mistake on the sleeve of your jacket .
- No, there's not.
It says Grade 10.
- Yeah, it says Grade 10, but shouldn't it say janitor , Ricky? - Jesus, you stink.
Janitor, huh? Get the hell out of this trailer.
- Hands off! (Lahey laughing) - What are you guys talking about? - Before I go I should Oh, whoops, I dropped a couple of pictures on the table.
Looks like somebody named Ricky pretending to be t a vocational-school studen when he's really a vocational-school janitor.
r - I mean, I could've pretended I was going to college all yea and people would've been proud of me, especially Lucy and Trinity, but, oh, no, , Lahey's gotta go around, drunk , driving probably, to college taking fucking pictures of m e throwing out garbage and emptying mop buckets, so now everyone knows I'm just a goddamn janitor instead of really going to college, which sucks.
- What is this? - Did you lie to us? - Sweetie, I didn't It's not really a lie, it's just I got my Grade 10, I haven't really done anything with it, alright? d And I've been to jail and I just wanted to make you guys prou and try to go to school and ge t my book thinking and learnings and stuff flowing better, more brainy in my head.
And I can't afford a CB or tel you what I'm trying to say here, , is that my brain is scrambly but I'm sorry anyway, alright, sweetie? Don't lie like Daddy did, it's not bright.
It's just I was trying to make you guys proud.
- Ricky, you are the most fucked-up person I've ever met and I've met a lot of fucked-up people, 'cause I spent some time in a mental institution.
- You're going back there if you don't leave me alone.
Go back to your trailer! Drink there! - Get your fucking drunk fac e out my trailer, Lahey, Randy Rick, you know what? You kind of lied about it, but I think it's cool that you're trying to take care of Trin and to impress us, so you know, I'm not mad.
- You know what? It's almost like so pathetic that it's kind of sweet.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
guys.
- It's cool.
- You wanna set these up in your room? - Sure.
(music)