Trailer Park Boys s07e05 Episode Script

The Mustard Tiger

Julian: I'm working on a plan right now.
It's going to be perfect.
Nobody's going to get caught.
It's going to be smooth.
Ricky: My god Bubbles, the size of this thing.
Bubbles: Oh I know Ricky, look at it.
You know though, I've gone over it top to bottom like a bunch of times and I can't find any illegal parts on this thing.
You know what I think is going on? Sebastian Bach is Mr.
Jealousy Pants.
He's jealous of Patrick Swayzie.
He made all that shit up.
Ricky: Well, he was shooting off pretty hard at that train convention Bubbles.
Julian: How is Axel doing? Right on.
Rob Thomas? Well eleven bucks, you can't go wrong man.
Bubbles: Look at the speed it's got.
Ricky: Fucking cool! Bubbles: The personal train of Patrick Swayzie.
De-ee-ecent! Julian: Can't talk to you on the phone about it okay.
Bubbles: I don't condone crime you know that but thank you for stealing this train for me.
Ricky: Bubbles? You stole the train man.
We had nothing to do with it.
Bubbles: Ricky, you cannot tell anybody that we have that train.
Promise me.
Ricky: Sure man, yeah.
I promise.
Whatever.
Got a great fucking idea though.
I'm gonna sit over there, you stay here.
Get the fucking bong, put it in one of the cars right here and we can ship bong tokes back and forth to each other.
Bubbles: Decent.
[laughter] Julian: I think I just figured it out.
I can get the dope to you.
Yeah, no problem.
Ricky: I'm telling you Bubbles.
Smoking dope, playing with model trains is a good fucking time man.
[music] Phil: What are you doing anyway? Jacob: Nothing Dad.
Phil: Well, what's with all the dye and the beard and the weights and, you look like, what are you trying to look like? Jacob: Nothing Dad, just leave me alone.
Phil: Listen boy, while you're under my roof, it's my rules.
And burgers is all about them rules.
Burgers were good to me, they're good to you.
Jacob: Dad, what are you talking about? Ricky: Eleven bucks a gram boys, that's what I'm talking about.
That's what my dope's worth.
I'm glad we waited.
So when's whats-his-fucky, Sebastian, coming to pick it up? Julian: Oh, he's not coming here Rick.
Bubbles: What? What do you mean he's not coming here? Julian: We're going to smuggle it to him, into Maine.
Think about it.
At eleven bucks a gram, that's almost five thousand bucks a pound.
We got a hundred pounds, do the bath buddy.
Cause we're set up, man.
Ricky: Fifty thousand dollars.
Bubbles: No Ricky, that's five hundred thousand dollars.
Ricky: So how the fuck are we going to get it there? Julian: With this.
We're going to run a track through the woods, across the border.
and load the weed onto the freight cars.
It's going to be easy.
Ricky: Oh, I get it yeah.
Using the train.
Bubbles: Julian.
Do you have any idea how much track we'd have to lay to get a train like this into the US undetected? Julian: Oh yeah, I know.
It'd be a lot.
Probably a world record Bubbs.
But you'd be in charge of it man.
Bubbles: World record.
That hadn't crossed my mind Julian.
Ricky: Boys, who are we kidding, I mean.
No man, no train has ever done anything like that.
Swayzie Express is not powerful enough to pull all that dope.
Bubbles: Ricky, you don't have to try to trick me.
We are going to run this train into the US, and make no mistake about it.
That world record will be mine.
Ricky: Beer, Bubbles? Bubbles: Oh, you read my mind, Ricky.
[Muffler rattling] Mr.
Lahey: Check it out boys.
My new office.
It's a real good chance I'm going to make Staff Sergeant.
It's looking real good.
How can I help you guys? Julian: We need detailed topographical maps of the New Brunswick border.
We need to know how many forest rangers are out there, where they're at, what they drive, any kind of information you can get us.
Mr.
Lahey: Step into the office boys.
Look, if I'm going to be promoted here, you're going to have to chill out.
I've been real good to you guys, but we're going to have to put an end to this shit.
Ricky: We're all friends.
You helped my dad get his rig license back and we took out George and Ted for you.
Julian: Jim.
I know shit about you, you know shit about me.
That makes us shit brothers.
Come on, we're shit brothers.
Bubbles: Don't forget, you signed a peace treaty with us Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: What's going down here? Julian: Listen, the less you know, the better okay.
That's all we can tell you.
Ricky: Yeah Lahey, just get us our fucking topa, toper, grack, fucking land papers Jim, just get us the fucking land papers a.
s.
a.
t.
Put them in the mailbox.
Don't be a fuckhead.
Julian: Thanks Jim.
Julian: All we need now is some jail cover to take a little scout to Maine for us, today.
I know just where to find these dicks.
Ricky: Fuck, is that who I fucking think it is? Bubbles: Oh my god, that's Jacob Collins.
Julian, he's rocking your look hard.
Ricky: What the fuck is he wearing? Bubbles: He's got a back T-shirt, a black goatee, and he's rocking a goofy little drink.
Ricky: Did he dye his fucking hair? He did! Bubbles: He looks like you Julian.
Without any muscles.
Look at the drink, Ricky.
It's one of those old mustard glasses, with the diamond and clubs on it.
Julian: Bubbs, lay off Jacob alright.
[Jacob talking] Ricky: Holy fuck, look who he's talking too.
Isn't that meat store dicks.
Fuck, remember how stupid those guys were? They'd be perfect jail cover.
Well, I'll tell you right now, we're not going to find any people dumber than those guys.
Bubbles: They are dumb.
My goodness.
Ricky: Let's get them.
Bubbles: A mustard glass.
Jacob: Hey guys.
Hey Julian.
Julian: Hey Jacob.
Ricky: Changed the look a little bit have you Jacob? Lower your fucking drink in front of Julian, respect.
Bubbles: Chaining too Jacob? What are you rocking there? Is that a mustard glass? Jacob: Yeah.
Bubbles: That's hard core.
Julian: Jacob, you want to hang out with us today.
Jacob: Oh yeah, totally.
Ricky: Julian, get the other two dummies too.
We're going to need them alright? Julian: You and your two friends.
Jacob: Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Julian: Come here for a second.
Are you in charge of those guys? Jacob: Um, yeah, yeah.
Those are my boys.
Julian: Alright then, take charge, get them in the fucking car now.
Jacob: Okay.
Hey boys, let's get in the car.
Let's fucking go.
Ricky: Are you fucking talking to me Jacob? Julian: No, he's talking to the guys Ricky.
Ricky: Oh.
Well, you want to learn how to do it? Hey, cock-a-doodle, fucking Ketchup chips.
Yo-yo dick, get in the fucking car.
Let's go, in the fucking car now.
The trunk.
Julian: Alright, you sit in the back seat.
Let's go.
Ricky: You guys shut the fuck up.
Let the big boys talk.
You say anything, you're fucking dead.
Understand? Jacob: What are you going to do to us? Julian: We're making you part of our crew.
Our team of friends.
This is the big time now which means you guys can hang out with us.
Ricky: But right now, you're fucking nothing.
Out of the car, on the grass.
Jacob: Move it guys.
Ricky: We're not friends yet.
You're nothing.
And you're nothing until we say you aren't nothing.
And until then, I'm going to be really, really fucking hard on you guys.
Especially you with your fucking rooster bald headed little, I don't even know what the fuck that is.
Julian: Ricky! Ricky: Don't talk to me like fucking Lahey talks to Randy Julian.
I'm serious.
Bubbles: Ricky look, I know these guys are fucked but maybe you should lighten up on them.
Remember what happened to Cory and Trevor.
Jacob: What happened to Cory and Trevor? Bubbles: Oh nothing.
Ricky: You guys will never, ever be a Cory and Trevor, alright.
Cory and Trevor meant the world to me.
Julian: Now I know how much you like the Monte Carlo, so here.
Take it for the weekend and have a good time, alright.
All expenses paid.
Just top up the gas before you give it back to me.
Jacob: I've got an exam next week.
Ricky: What the fuck are you getting learned that's so important? Jacob: Hotel/motel management.
Ricky: Motel/motel dumbagement.
Give me the fucking drink.
Julian: Rick.
Ricky: You're drinking fucking pop? Pop? Julian: Don't worry about it.
You can study along the way, okay? Let's load up the car guys.
Okay, here's the map.
We got lots of food for you.
Bubbles; There's two bags of Shreddies and three bags of licorice boys.
That should do ya just fine.
Julian: And this is where I want you to drive to, to do a little recon.
for me okay, I mean us.
Your friends, alright? Ricky: What are you still doing here? Get the fuck over to Bubbles shed for more instructions.
Jacob: Boys, get the fuck going.
Bubbles: Alright fellows, listen up.
I'm the engineer here.
And I don't like to repeat myself.
Take this camera.
You're going to record every road, every bridge, every friggin slope of the land.
All the directions are in here.
Pay particular attention to the section on leveling the track.
If the track's not on level ground, you guys fucked up.
Jacob: What track? Ricky: The fucking train track.
That's what this test is all about.
To see if you guys are really our friends or not.
Bubbles: This is the track here Jacob.
It snaps together like that.
Make sure the copper connectors are touching.
Jacob: Okay, that's easy.
Julian: Ready to get behind the wheel of a Monte Carlo? Okay, put it in park.
Nice job man.
Ricky: Get out of the fucking car.
You guys somehow manage to pull this off, we're going to be friends, I promise, alright.
We even come to vocational school, have lunch with you guys sometimes and take my car to the final exam for all I give a fuck.
We're going to be friends guys if you pull this off.
Bubbles: Gentlemen, there's where you pick up the remainder of the track.
It's off Exit 14.
There'll be a gentleman named Shitty Bill awaiting your arrival.
Julian: Jacob, come here.
If the cops pull you over, we don't know you.
We know nothing about what's going on.
We'll have to say you stole the car.
If it comes down to that, blame it on your dummies.
Jacob: Yeah, totally.
Julian: Friends? Jacob: Forever.
Ricky: See this? [gunshots] Ricky: Get the fuck back here! Protect Julian's car at all costs.
Protect the train stuff.
Then protect yourselves, once all the other stuff is protected.
Jacob: Protect from what? Ricky: You're going to a remote area.
There might be bears.
Might.
Or, could be some weird shit we don't even know about.
Safety's off.
Julian: You've got three days.
Just don't forget.
That car is my life, okay? Three days boys.
Jacob: We can do this.
[Randy coughing] Randy: Hey Phil, are those cheeseburgers done yet? Phil: Randy, my son is missing.
And all you can worry about is drugs and fucking cheeseburgers? Come on, let's get the rest of these posters out and up.
Randy: Geez, Phil, you gotta stop thinking about this.
It's going to drive you crazy.
Let's talk about something else, like the restaurant.
Let's talk about the Dirty Burger.
Jacob's going to be okay.
Phil: Let's get these fucking posters out if you're not too fucking high! Randy: Phil, you better relax! Shit, who's this guy in the sexy jeans? Phil: Please Randy, this is my son Thomas.
Randy: This is your son? Wow.
Phil: [laughing] Tommy! Oh, I'm glad you're here.
Oh, ho, ho, it's good to see you.
Thomas: Dad, let me go.
Hey, hi how's it going Okay, so what's going on with Jacob.
I saw the posters up.
What are the police doing about it.
We have to take this seriously.
Phil: I called a cop by the name of Jim Lahey and he hasn't gotten back to me yet.
Thomas: They haven't called back? They haven't gotten back to you? The police haven't gotten back.
What's going on here? Phil: I don't know what the fuck is going on.
I don't know son, but god-damn.
My son is missing.
Thomas: Help me out here? What the fuck? [Phil yelling] Thomas: Calm down! Calm down right now.
I want you to cool off.
Cool off.
Okay.
Talk to me.
Phil: Son, I just thought he could have been into drugs so I didn't push it with the police.
Thomas: Who, Jacob? You think Jacob is into drugs? After all you taught us Dad? Jacob isn't messing around with dope or dope dealers.
Ricky: I guarantee you Jacob is as high as fuck right now, him and those two mutants and they're fucking up our chance to sell the dope.
Julian: Just keep ripping the posters down and shut up please Ricky.
Come on.
Bubbles: Did you guys ever think maybe that Jacob and those two twiggy alien bastards might have got eaten by bears? I mean, this could be Cory and Trevor all over again boys.
Somebody's going to go insane off this, you watch.
Ricky: look at you fucking go.
Him and those two fucking weird looking dicks are probably just partying somewhere.
They stole your car man, they fucked us.
Julian: We just have to find out if there's any police reports or missing persons reports.
We've got to talk to Lahey.
Thomas: What are you guys doing? What are you? Ricky: Who the fuck are you, and what the fuck do you want? Nice clothes.
Phil: This is my son Thomas Collins, Jacob's brother.
Ricky: And Timmy or Tommy or whatever the fuck his son's name is shows up here and he looks like he's adopted, he doesn't look anything like him, but he's clearly not.
They're both out of their fucking god- damned minds.
Thomas: You guys know Jacob? Do you know where he is right now? Ricky: It wasn't us.
Thomas: It wasn't you guys.
Those guys know where Jacob is.
They're lying.
Phil: What are you not telling us? What the fuck do you know about this, you dirty prick.
Julian: Hey, hey, hey.
Fuck off Phil.
Ricky: Phil Collins is fucking out of his mind these days.
I don't know what's going on with him? Phil: My sons and the Dirty Burger is all I got.
Fuck them.
What about you four-eyes? Ricky: Holy fuck! Bubbles: Fucking, did you just call me four-eyes? You big mustard tiger.
All I did was call him a mustard tiger.
I mean, he had a big tiger and he was all covered in mustard, and I thought it was, you know, a pretty cute little name and all of the sudden he snaps and starts smashing Ricky's car up with a ladder.
[shouting] Ricky: Will someone fucking help me here? [shouting] Ricky: You big fucking weird looking walrus fuck.
Put the fucking ladder down.
[Phil shouting] Bubbles: Calm down! Put the ladder down Phil, that's not fair.
Julian: Sorry I didn't tell you this, but Jacob and his buddies went studying somewhere cause you were going on about the god- damned Dirty Burger so much, okay? You were distracting him.
He borrowed my car.
He told me not to tell you.
Phil: Not tell the old man.
Ricky: I'm sick of you talking about fucking cheeseburgers, we all are.
Isn't that right there, sweaty bobany.
Thomas: If you've done something, if you've done something to Jacob, I'll find out and you'll regret the day you ever messed with Philadelphia Collins' sons.
Got me? Julian: Fuck off! Ricky: Philadelphia? Thomas: Yeah, Philadelphia Collins.
Bubbles: He looks like he ate Philadelphia.
Julian: Let me deal with this okay.
He's studying.
Everything's cool Phil.
Thomas: We just gotta walk away.
We've got to walk away.
Let's go.
Bubbles: Yeah, walk away.
Ricky: You're paying for the fucking damage to that car too.
Phil: You should pay me for doing a job for you.
Randy: Why don't you find Jacob? Bubbles: Get going, Lord of the onion rings.
Nice socks Randy.
Ricky: Big fucking surprise you're all hanging out together.
You're all fucked in the head.
Fucking Jesus, scratches on my fucking car.
[bang] DJ: We like to remind one and all, five cent wings tonight.
All night tonight, you can't go wrong.
[laughter] Barb Lahey: Oh, excellent, thank you very much.
Mr.
Lahey: Hey B.
Two more.
Barb Lahey: And one more.
Mr.
Lahey: Thank you.
That's good.
Get me some water.
Barb Lahey: Oh my god.
Jim, it's Sam! I had no idea he was singing here.
Mr.
Lahey: Greasy bastard.
Barb Lahey: Oh my god.
Mr.
Lahey: We can go somewhere else if you like.
Barb Lahey: No actually, I like this song.
Oh go, is he coming over? Is he? Mr.
Lahey: No.
Just ignore him, he'll go away Barb.
Slow down a bit honey.
Barb Lahey: Well, that's not fast.
Four.
[Sam singing] Sam: Barb Lahey: Hi Sam.
[Sam singing] Mr.
Lahey: Sam.
Barb: Just one second.
[Sam singing] Bubbles: He looks like one of those guys, serial killer week on the TV.
He looks crazy.
[Sam singing] Julian: Jim? Mr.
Lahey: What are you boys doing here? Julian: You know Jacob right? Mr.
Lahey: Has he shown up yet? Julian: We need you to block any missing persons reports.
This is important Jim.
You gotta do this.
Mr.
Lahey: Julian, Phil keeps calling me all the time about this.
You're putting me in an awkward position here.
[Sam singing and Barb laughing] Ricky: Hey, pay attention, we're serious.
Mr.
Lahey: Oh shit.
Oh fuck.
Ricky: Fuck! Barb Lahey: [groaning] Mr.
Lahey: Get your hands off her, cave man.
Sam: She just needs a little air Jim.
Mr.
Lahey: Sam, you stay away from Barb or you'll feel the heat.
Remember heat, quest for fire? Sam: Enough of the caveman comments.
Julian: Are you starting shit here? Outside Sam, let's go.
Sam: Fuck! Watch the way you talk to me.
All of you.
Bubbles; Sam, check your beard.
You got a big, big piece of chicken in there.
Mr.
Lahey: Thanks Julian.
I owe you one bud.
Julian: Block the missing persons reports.
Mr.
Lahey: You're almost home Barb.
Barb Lahey: [groaning] Mr.
Lahey: Hey guys, give me a hand here please.
Come on Barb.
Bed time.
Bubbles: Mr.
Lahey.
Mr.
Lahey: Yeah Bubbs? Bubbles: What would happen if Phil Collins reported Jacob missing and said the last time he was seen was in Julian's car? Mr.
Lahey: There's no question Bubbs.
You'd be investigated.
I can't stop that.
I can hold off the missing persons report for another day, day and a half on the outside.
Come on, let's go.
Barb Lahey: Oh Bubbles, I love you.
Bubbles: Oh, I love you too Barb.
Banged your noodle.
Mr.
Lahey: Take it easy guys.
Come on Julian, give us a hand.
Julian: Jim, Jim, You gotta help us out on this okay? We can't get the police involved now.
We got too much crazy shit on the go Jim.
Barb Lahey: Oh Julian, such big muscles.
Mr.
Lahey: Julian, come here bud.
This is the kind of shit I'm talking about.
You gotta find those guys real fast or I'm going to have to get involved in this officially.
And you're not going to like that, are you Julian? Julian: Let's get out of here.
Mr.
Lahey: Thanks for your help, boys.
Ricky: Those little book nerds.
Man, they ripped us off.
They stole your fucking car Julian.
They probably sold that and spent it on drugs or fucking fried chicken and shit.
Bubbles: We should go looking for them, shouldn't we? Tomorrow? I mean, they could be lost or there's the distinct possibility that they've been fucked by bears.
Ricky: Fucked by bears? Julian: I'm starting to think something went terribly wrong.
Bubbles: That's what I'm saying.
Maybe they got fucked by bears.
Julian: No, something worse.
Bubbles: What's worse than getting fucked by bears!? [Crickets]