Trailer Park Boys s08e01 Episode Script

Money Can Suck My Cock

How the fuck are you so stupid, Jacob? Turn it around so the cock-shaped thing's at the back, you fucking idiot! Sorry, Ricky, if you're gonna yell at somebody, yell at your own fucking employee, not mine.
Jacob, get the fuck down here.
Holy fuck! You're stupid, Corey.
This is the stupidest you've ever fucking been.
Jesus Christ, Ricky, when you said you were getting ac unit, I thought you were buying one.
Not getting the one they use to cool down the whole fucking store.
Yeah, man, I got the one off the fucking roof.
Clint set me up big time.
I traded a half pound of weed.
It's perfect though.
I got a shit tonne of weed.
I've got to keep it cool, bubs, or it goes bad.
Oh fuck.
What in the fuck? No, no, no, not a fucking chance.
You guys can fuck off with the cameras.
Swearnet's this Internet company that approached us with contracts, wanting to follow us around with video cameras again.
So they throw the contracts on the table, Ricky grabs them, signs it immediately, and the guy can't even fucking read.
Ricky! No! Swearnet, those assholes, tricked us into taking nine fucking grand.
Supposed to be ninety.
And where's the lifetime supply of fucking cigarettes and booze, huh? Where the fuck is that? Did you forget about that? Think that'll just be water out of the fucking fridge? The money's gone! This contract is nullted.
Nulled and fucking void.
Fucking calm down! Fucking gun's hot, Ricky! You negotiated the contract and we signed it, and by law, these fuckheads are allowed to follow us now.
Yeah? You stay the fuck out of my way, or I swear to fuck I'll blast your cocks right off your body.
- Jesus Christ! - Fuck, she snapped! Oh my fuck! Aw, great! Corey, you get back here! Jacob, you fuck nerd, you're paying for this.
So are you, Julian! That was Jacob's fuck-up right there.
Jacob's been working for Julian for a while now, and Julian's been getting pretty fucking cocky about it, so it was pretty cool when Corey showed back up at the park.
Been running him full-time for about six months now, he's been helping me out with my retirement.
And it sucks having one dummy around instead of two, but hopefully fucking Trevor comes back someday.
Nobody knows where that alien-looking, cinnamon-twist fuck chicken even is.
When me and Trevor got released from the asylum, we didn't wanna come to sunnyvale right away, so we started hitchhiking and we went everywhere, dude.
It's like, we went to China, we worked in a rice field.
We went to Australia and made money playing didgeridoo on the street, and then we went to New York and we were gonna go see a backstreet boys concert 'cause they were having a reunion, and we wanted to see the subway because, you know, it's cool.
It's like famous.
We got on, and the door shut before I got on behind Trevor and the train just left.
Oh my fuck, boys! Oh god, orangey! Orangey, are you okay? Orangey is Ricky's goldfish.
You know, when Lucy and Trinity were moving out of the park to go live with George, Ricky was pretty upset.
So, you know, Trinity gave the fish to Ricky and he's become very attached to it.
Very attached to it.
Gary laser eyes likes him, too, don't you, Gary? Here, look.
Here is is.
Hang on, Ricky, here! Jam him in here.
Good thinking, bubbles.
Oh, thank fuck.
Oh, you like it in that little water bong? You okay, little buddy? I don't give two shits what you heard, Barb! I did not fucking bang him! Well, the person who just told me seemed to know an awful lot of details, so I think you did effing bang him, Sam.
Fuck! Did she just say, "I believe you effing banged him?" Yup.
For fuck's sake, Marvin! You gotta pace yourself, man! I always wanted one of those bars like that TV show "cheers" - you know, where everybody knows your name - and now I have one.
Julian's sports bar and gym, and this place fucking rocks.
I mean, look at this place, the detail.
Sarah designed it.
Busy as fuck.
But the best part about the whole thing was that bubbles found a loophole with the liquor license - I don't need one.
All I've gotta do is give away free drinks, collect donations - money goes in there, right into my pocket, tax free.
And I hired trin, she's one of my best workers, unlike her dad.
I've had a really good couple of years and basically every wall, the ceiling, and my entire trailer - all insulated with bales of weed.
And then I drywalled over it so you can't really tell.
It's fucking awesome.
And it's my retirement, so I mean to keep weed the longest, you gotta keep it at a constant four degrees celsnius, and since it is my retirement that's what I have to do.
Fuck! I've been taking the weed and making honey oil out of it.
It's a pain in the fucking ass to make.
I mean that right there took awhile, but it's worth a lot of money and I've been selling it to high-end clients.
And, you know, I am making over $1500 dollars a month right now through these clients.
I'm basically retired.
Things are going pretty damn good for me.
I'm all set up here right in between Ricky and Julian.
I've got a great big double-wide lot here because I've got a business about to start up Bubbles shed-n-breakfast.
Look at that, I come up with the whole concept myself, made the sign.
I think it's gonna be a fucking gold mine myself, 'cause it caters to the millions of people out there that wanna have a nice resort-style vacation, but they wanna be able to bring their kitties with them.
Those places don't exist, so I'm gonna provide that.
I've got four pads there waiting for sheds.
It's gonna be fucking awesome.
They're all gonna have power, air conditioning, high speed Internet.
All the fucking amenities you can imagine.
And on top of it, I'm gonna be serving pancakes with all-you-can-eat homemade maple fucking syrup.
I've been collecting the shit out of this stuff.
Basically you just filter out all the bugs and the nitre.
Boil the dirty whore off and she's ready to go.
There's all this shit and then you just got pure maple syrup left in there, and it is gonna be fucking scrump-dilly.
Only problem with this process is it makes me really have to use it.
No, gotta use it.
Gotta use it.
Can you turn off the fucking camera? Hey, boys, listen, I'll got all the fucking hoses and electrical hooked up.
Cool.
I'll have her ready when you get back.
There's the money for the sheds.
Shit.
I still don't know why you're wasting your money when you don't fucking have to.
Bubbles, you need to fucking learn to see money for what it really is.
Here you go, orangey.
So one night I'm laying awake in the car and I can't fucking sleep 'cause I've got all these thinks and thoughts roamin' around my brain compartments and brain departments, and this fucking flash lightning went off, or on, or whatever the fuck it does.
And my brain speakled out to me and said, "why the fuck am I trying to grow dope to make money to buy shit, you know, when, pretty much, the people that have all the shit I need smoke dope?" So I got rid of the middle land and I started making my own fucking money out of hash.
It's perfect.
I mean, with a pocket full of ten, one, two, five gram hash coins, you can buy whatever the fuck you need.
So I don't need money anymore.
Money can suck my cock! - Fuck off, Ricky! - Fuck! We're doing this legit, Ricky.
I wanna get my stuff the old-fashioned honest way.
That system might work for you, but I'm not doing that.
- Great.
- Look! It's old pissy paws himself.
What the hell's with the gunfire, Ricky, you idiot? Wasn't us.
What in the frig is that big thing? Actually, it's a fuck-off machine, Randy.
You never seen one before? Who the fuck is this weirdo? He's gonna be the new assistant trailer park supervisor, Ricky.
He moves in tomorrow, all right? You better treat him with some respect.
I sure hope you got the permits and necessary documentation to hook that thing up.
I hope you got the necessary doguments and fucking permutations to suck on my shaved balls, do you, Randy? Nice slippers.
What happened to your brand new fancy shoes? Ha-ha.
Very funny, Ricky.
I know you're the one that pissed in my new shoes.
Don't think I'm gonna forget about it either.
Come on, Donald, let's go.
Wasn't me, Randy.
I don't piss.
Gentlemen.
Anyway, boys, get to the fucking hardware store, the big blowout sale that's happening right in the parking lot.
Just promise me no fucking shady horse cockery.
Bubs, don't worry, we're gonna get your sheds, okay? And then we're gonna come back here and celebrate.
Boys, look around.
Look what we've fucking accomplished here.
That's great except for the big fucking massive hole in the roof of my car.
What the fuck am I supposed to do if it ever fucking rains again? Fuck! Today is my last day as supervisor of sunnyvale trailer park.
I haven't been getting along that well with my ex-wife, Barb, lately, ever since she married that loser, Sam losco.
Anyway, she didn't think it was appropriate to renew my contract.
Nineteen years.
Not even a goddamn thank you.
Whatever.
Oh, and guess who's the new supervisor? So this is where I live, Donald.
Lovely.
Don't pay much attention to Mr.
lahey if he's a little standoffish towards you.
He's not in the best of mood about having to retire today.
Oh, and he's a little uneasy about me hiring a new assistant, too, especially one as handy and toned as you are.
Thank you.
Mr.
lahey, we've got some company here.
Mr.
lahey, what in the frig are you doing? You said you weren't going to drink until after you were officially retired.
Randy! It's just orange juice? Wow.
I might have a little drink to celebrate my retirement tonight, Randy, but then again I might not.
I haven't decided yet, bud.
I'm in control.
Maybe more in control than I ever been in my whole life, bud.
You must be Donald.
Yes, sir.
It's a pleasure to be graced by your presence.
You have intense eyes.
Beautiful.
What brings you two by? Ricky's installing this big friggin' thing on top of his trailer, and he's got no permits.
I thought you might wanna take him down as trailer park supervisor, one last time.
Ah, leave him alone, Randy.
Mr.
lahey, why have you been backing down from Ricky lately? I haven't been backing down.
There's more at play than meets the eye here, bud.
Yeah, like Ricky pissing in my brand new shoes.
You didn't back me up on that one either.
Comme ca, comme ci.
Fine! I'll look after this myself.
I washed those frigging shoes three times in tomato juice and vinegar, and they still smell like piss.
There you go, Dale.
I'll give you two tenners and a five, man.
Thanks.
I'll have her back in half an hour.
Fuck, boys, I'm so fucking excited.
Thanks again for doing this.
One more month of good cart business and I'll have enough money to put the interiors in those fucking sheds.
Get this fucking thing lit up! It's gonna be awesome, man.
About fucking time! Fuck, I love that car.
Where have you guys been? Never mind where we been, man, we're here now, you know what I'm sayin'? What up, b? Hey, j-roc.
How you feelin', dawg? What's up, t? What's up, y'all? What's goin' on, man? You too.
Rascal, right? What's up, fellas? Did I get you, Julian? - Hey! What's up, man? - Where's the stuff? I got the stuff wit us.
Well, the stuff should be in the bar.
Well, the stuff's in my trunk till we talk about some shit first.
J-roc, we've been through this before, okay? I don't need a fucking bar partner right now.
This shit's running perfectly.
Ask yourself why it's running perfect.
It's because of my shit, you man.
This here's roc vodka, you know what I'm sayin'? - Can I get a zhyeah? - Zhyeah! Comes in four delicious flavours, you know what I'm sayin'? Blueberry, ban-orange, pazamagranate, and apple cizinnamon, y'all.
Delicious and tight as piss, you know what I'm sayin'? Can I get a rra-rra? Rra-rra! Cut me in, bwoy.
We can be partners, dawg, I'll make it some next level bullshit, you know what I'm sayin'? But you gotta trus.
The two of us.
I went as far as I could in the rap game, y'all.
Got accolades, had shorties pushin' up on my junk, you know what I'm sayin'? Then I was like, there's gotta be more to Liz-ife, you know what I'm sayin'? I looked 'em up.
I was like my homeboys j and fitty, and all them ma'fuckers, they got briz-and, dawg.
You know what I mean? So I wanna be a business ma'fucker.
I wanna be a business ma'fucker.
Now I just need one thing, and that's for Julian to cut me in on a little ear-a ear-a, iggita-iggita ear-a azh-brap zha-brap ear-a ear-a iggita zlam! Peace! You gotta think about this.
All right, I'll think about it.
We'll talk about this later.
Let's talk about it now you- no, let's talk about it later.
A'ight! Let's talk about it later, but I can take this shit next level, b.
I know.
You gotta trus! I know, man, I trust you.
Promise.
I'll talk to you later about this.
A'ight.
I'm busy.
Mr.
green, kajijojiji - Just unload the shit.
- Rascal.
You know what I'm sayin'? Mr.
Finch, Mr.
green, unload that shit, y'all.
- Is that a new flavour? - Yeah, right.
Pound that in your word hole and tell me it ain't the birth of Christ.
Berry flavoured.
Berry delicious, ain't it? It's dope! Hey, man, just park in front of these sheds.
It's coconut and talk-o.
Rick, we don't have time to talk to coconut and talk-o.
I just wanna give talk-o a little piece of weed.
He fucking loves it.
I love that fucking bird.
What the fuck's going on, coconut, you spicy son of a whore.
Agg! Spicy son of a whore? Talk-o! Told you, man, watch the language around me bird, man.
Me Have customers.
Talk-o likes weed.
- Agg! Talk-o likes weed.
- You like that, don't you? Ricky, come on, man.
Tongue my balls! Tongue my balls! Come on, Ricky, man.
Come on.
Let's go buy these sheds.
Finger my ass.
Suck my cock.
Bawk! Bubbles hasn't thought this out very well, if you ask me.
We can get those fucking sheds for free, okay, and then Sarah can take that money.
We're not stealing the sheds.
But she could take the money and get the interiors all decked out, then he's set up like we are.
Look at those two, it'd be a fucking joke.
What're you thinking? Hey, coconut, can I borrow your fucking lights for a minute? Hey, bubbles, I need to see the permit for this thing? Are you even qualified to be doing this? What? I don't have fucking permits for this, Randy.
Well, I've got to ask you to cease work immediately.
I'm sorry, but I know this has got something to do with Ricky growing dope.
No, it doesn't have anything to do with growing dope, I swear on jehovah's nutsack.
That's just an air conditioner.
We all needed one for the businesses and we thought if we just got one biggie and shared it.
You know, I'm gonna have it all hooked up to code and everything, I promise.
Please, Randy? Please? It does make a lot of sense, Randall.
I can feel the sincerity.
Your soul is pure.
Pure.
If I find out Ricky's growing, I'm shutting it down.
Randy, there's a big shitstorm going down at Barb's.
Meet me there! Come on, don.
And away we go.
On the ground! Undercover intercontinental insect enforcement agency.
Get down! Hands where I can fucking see them! Do not fucking move! People are fucking stupid, especially college peoples.
You show up with a flashing light and hand gun and use a bunch of big words, and you basically get whatever the fuck you want for free.
This is worse than we thought, officer lahey.
Totally infested with the afnican hellimenium-eating zulu petes.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
We gotta burn all these right now, all these new ones.
Let's go, on your feet! Let's go! Get up! On your feet! Give us a hand.
We gotta take all these away right now.
Oh, Jesus, Rick, we got a pisser.
Oh my god, did you piss yourself? You fucking scared me.
Oh, you're lucky we got here when we did.
They spread across the country in two weeks, they bang like crazy.
It's a good thing.
Come on, let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! You know, I feel bad.
Here's a couple hash coins, okay? I got these from the last bust.
Don't tell your fucking boss.
Let's get these going quick before he comes out here.
These things are gonna fucking spread everywhere.
Move it, move it.
Holy fuck, college peoples are stupid.
Do not say a fucking word to bubbles about this either, you assholes.
- I don't care! - Barbie! Barbie! I don't care! I want you out of my life! Sam, I want you out of my life and out of this trailer park! Barb! Go back inside.
I'll deal with this.
I don't know why I keep ending up with men who turn out to be something other than what I think they are.
Don't you tell me what to do, Jim lahey! I want you off my property, too! Just go, both of you! You can't kick me off this park! I own half this fucking shithole! You don't own half of sunnyvale, Sam, 'cause I own one percent.
So calm the fuck down! Calm down?! Don't you fucking tell me to calm down, lahey! Randy? If I want any lip from you at all, I'll wave my dick at you.
- Oh! Just go! - Yeah.
Beat it, Sam! Just go! You are a fucking You're a cheating bi-sexual- don't say it! Cavemaaaaaan! You had to fucking say it, didn't ya? Let me show you a fucking caveman.
Here! Here! Here's your caveman right here.
Right here.
Yeah, you want some caveman? You want some caveman? Oogah fucking oogah! There's your caveman! Anyway, that is that, and I have to sell the park to split the assets with Sam, and I will take my half and I will buy some cute little place down south where it's warm, and, um And I will never look back.
Where in the nuclear fiddlecocks is my fucking car? Corey took it to get it fixed, Ricky.
He actually felt pretty bad about this morning.
Good! He fucking should.
Bottle kids! Bubs, come check out your shed, man.
This is amazing! Amazing, boys.
You did it! Oh my fuck, you even got the oil tank.
Fucking right! I paid a bunch of hash coins towards everything, man.
Saved you a tonne of fucking money.
Ricky? Look me in the eye.
You guys stole them.
You stole the fucking sheds.
Not exactly, bubs.
Julian, I can't believe this! I've been working my nuts to the bone, day and night, hauling shopping carts, just so I can live a clean, respectable life, and this is what you fucking do.
But now you have enough money you can open up immediately, man.
We did it for you! It's awesome! The people at the store had no idea we were stealin' them.
They thought we were doing them a favour by getting rid of them.
Julian, fucking listen to yourself, "they thought you were doing them a favour.
" Maybe you could do me a favour once in a while without turning it into a goddamn crime spree.
Do you think you could do that? I'm going up to haul more shopping carts.
When I get back, these dirty stolen sheds better be off my property.
Who's got your belly? You get your fucking hands off my belly! Holy fuck.
Cocksucker! Nice going.
What the fuck are we gonna do now? Let's get high as fuck and build some sheds.
Fucking do this my way! People fucking it up on me.
Agh! What the fuck! Hey, we're almost done here, guys.
Nice! Great work today, everybody.
Good hustle.
Cheers! Least we could do for a ma'f, you know what I mean? Five-o, y'all.
Woop! Fucking pussies.
We businessmen.
We don't play five-o, bitches.
Fucking joke.
Good evening, officer highcock, beautiful night out there tonight.
This new cop shows up to the trailer park with his pants pulled up to his tits.
He looked like a fucking idiot.
He was an idiot.
I don't know what j-roc and t and the roc power are so worried about.
The guy's fucking dumb.
Probably dumber than George green.
Officer highcock can fuck right off.
I'm not scared of him.
It's officer Daniels, to you.
I've heard a lot about you guys.
Oh good.
Then you probably heard that you can suck our cocks.
What was that? You want to repeat that, son? No, nothing.
Just coughing.
So what can we do for ya? Where did you get the sheds, boys? We actually found them in the classified ads, got a really, really fucking good deal on them.
So those 4 sheds weren't stolen from the hardware store today? Because the description of the two idiots that took 'em matches you two unemployed dumbasses.
Lucky for you, there were no cameras on that side of the building.
Some sheds got stolen? Man, that sucks! What colour were they? We can keep our eyes open for them.
We know a lot of people.
Oh yeah, you don't think I know that you painted them? Oh, so you think we did it.
Okay, so we stole the sheds and then we painted them, and wired them up with electricity, put air conditioning in, did all the insides, decorated them, and got drunk in one fucking day.
That's quite a fucking theorny you got there, eisenstein.
You know I've met a lot of dumb shits just like you in my time, and every single one of them ended up in jail.
Just a matter of time.
See ya around, boys.
Love your pants.
Bye, officer! Fuck off.
You stole those sheds?! You guys promised.
It was the only way, Sarah, to get 'em open this quick.
It's always the only way with you, Ricky.
I think I hear bubbles coming.
Wobbly son of a whore! Looks like you got a pretty good haul there, bubs.
What, you're not gonna talk to me now? - No.
- Listen, man, I'm sorry.
I gotta show you something.
Well, I don't wanna see anything.
Well, I'm gonna stand right here until you change your mind then.
Oh, is that right? Well, I'm not gonna change my mind, so it's gonna be a long night.
Fine then.
I'm gonna sit right here until you change your mind then.
Well, it's gonna be a long night, Julian.
Hope you got lots in your drink.
Certainly do.
Hope you don't gotta piss.
No, I already pissed.
I'm good for about eight hours, bud.
Sure you don't wanna come see what I wanna show you? No, I'm perfectly fine standing here 'til the morning.
- So am I.
- Set your alarm clock.
Bubbles and Julian are two of the most stuvern people I know.
I've seen them get into fucking mexicali stand-ons that can last for 3 or 4 hours.
It's fucked.
Can't turn off my honker, Julian.
Jesus Christ, this is getting ridiculous.
I got a deal for you.
You come see what I wanna show you, you win.
I win? Yes.
I wanna hear you say, "all right, bubbles, you win.
" All right, bubbles, you win.
All right, let's go then.
Winner.
Hey, Sarah, they're coming! They're coming! Okay, keep those eyes closed, bubs.
I got them closed.
Quit bossing me around.
Bubs, we spent all day working on this, all right? Okay.
On the count of one, open those eyes.
Three, two, one, open.
Oh my god! Do you like it, bubbles? Do I like it? Look at this! It's unbelievable! My god, it looks like a Norman Rockwell painting.
Did you decorate them up, Sarah? Well, everybody helped.
They're fucking amazing! Look at the little kitty signs over the beds.
I know, Barb donated those.
She made them especially for you.
Look, I have to tell you something.
I'm so sorry.
Nobody told me that these sheds were stolen.
Yeah, sorry, man.
It's all right.
They were just trying to do a nice thing for me.
Well, everything's gonna be legit and running smooth from now on, I promise, okay? - No more crime, buddy.
- All right.
Congratulations, bubbles! - Is that a cake for me? - Congrats, buddy.
Look at that.
"Congrats, ma'fucker.
" J-roc must have put the icing on.
I'm so proud of you, bubbles.
Well, I did have some help from my friends.
- Is it ice cream cake? - No, man, it's frozen.
My fuckin' trailer's outta control.
Are you sure you hooked that thing up right? It's fucking freezing in there; It's on the lowest setting.
Ricky, that was meant to cool down a 20,000 square foot fucking department store, not a trailer packed full of weed.
Ricky, I am so sorry about what happened today, but check it out.
Corey, you know that's a fucking house window you put in there, right? What're you thinking? Oh, I know what he was thinking.
I get it.
A fucking sun roof! Great fucking encore! You fixed Jacob's mistake.
Case of pepperoni and smokes, dude.
- Good work, Corey.
- Thanks, dude.
Barb's selling the park, what's up with that? - What? - What? Well, lahey's out front putting a for sale sign up.
What the fuck are you talking about? What the fuck do you think you're doing, you fucking asshole? I'm just doing my job, Ricky.
You should get one sometime.
Oh, yeah? What, you're retiring, so you're gonna fuck with us one last time by trying to sell the trailer park? That's bullshit.
I'm not trying to sell the trailer park.
Barb and Sam are, to split the assets, Ricky.
What the fuck are you talking about? Well, apparently someone made an anonymous phone call to Barb today and Barb and Sam's marriage came to an abrupt and shitty end.
Jesus Christ.
Great.
This is gonna totally fuck everything up.
We gotta get a hold of Barb.
Maybe we can help her buy out Sam or something.
It'd be great if it were that simple, Julian, but unlike she did with me, Barb didn't have Sam sign a pre-nup and now they own equal shares of the park.
So what does that matter? Well, one of them needs a majority to buy the other one out.
It's true; It's a shotgun clause.
And there's only one other person who owns a share in this park! One percent to be exact.
And who's that? Oh, fuck.
You called Barb.
What are you talking about? That's crazy talk.
Oh, look, I'm officially retired, boys.
Ta-da! Oh my god, he's on the fucking liquor.
We're fucked.