Trailer Park Boys s08e02 Episode Script

I'm so cold.
Oh my fuck, Ricky! That fucking air conditioner's outta control, Julian.
We got to shut the fucking thing down! Ricky! Ricky! Are you all right in there? That thingis an air conditioner.
Oh fuck, it even froze the dog! You got to knock the door in, Julian.
Use your muscles.
Fuck off with the cocksuckin'noise! Donny, watch your language! There are children in this park! Ricky! God! Oh my god, it's freezing in here! My god, he's like a fish stick! Well we've gotta get him outta here and warm him up! Come on! - We got to thaw him! - Grab his arm! We got to thaw him, get the heat! Go get the hairdryer out of the shed.
Come on! Get my hairdryer! Come on, get him out! Oh my god, he's frozen.
He's frozen! Ricky! I can't find a pulse, man.
Blast him with that thing, Barb.
Ricky, can you hear us? Just wait, turn it off for a second.
I think he's breathing through the joint.
Come on, Ricky, come on.
Oh Oh, shit.
Holy fuck, that's good hash.
Hey, don't listen to him, he's a goddamn caveman, for fuck's sakes, Barb.
I think it's very funny that you guys call him that.
I came home one day and actually caught him with my tole paints.
He was painting these weird little stick figures and animals on the wall with his fingers.
See, and you're gonna listen to him and let him get you down? Come on.
Barb, there's too much at stake here, okay, you just can't give up.
I just don't have that kind of money for one thing, and for another thing, I can't ask Jim lahey for any favours.
The sale of this place is gonna give me a nest egg and I'll be able to get a little trailer down in Florida and escape.
Look, if I can get lahey on board with this one percent, I could easily raise enough money to buy Sam out.
You and I could be partners.
Where are you gonna get that kind of money, Julian? I can't be part of something illegal.
I'm not talking about illegal stuff, maybe a little bit, but I could raise most of the money from this bar.
Bubs said he'd kick in whatever he makes off the shed n breakfast once he opens it up.
And, Barb, I don't know if you know this or not, but you're like a mother to most of us.
You just can't give upon everyone.
Think about it.
You and I together, as partners, we'd be fucking unstoppable.
How can you possibly be happy knowing you were fired and lost your fucking pension because of those guys? I'm not interested, George.
Every time I try to take those guys down, I lose.
Look, all I'm saying is if we could get these guys on something big, I guarantee we could get ourselves reinstated on the force.
Or are you okay with having "dishonourably discharged" on your record? George I'm finally in control of my own destiny here.
Julian needs something that I have, and I'm going to use it very quietly to get what I want.
How bad does he need it? Bad enough to start breaking the law to get it? The two of us, under cover in this park, would be unstoppable, Jim.
We could take them down, and they'd never even see it coming.
Reinstated, huh? Here, dad.
Me and Jacob rolled these for you from that hash you gave me.
Jacob? Get some rest.
I'll come see you after work, 'Kay? Love you.
Love you too.
You look nice, sweetheart.
The thing about my dad is he's been electrocuted Whoa! - I'm on fire, boys! - And shot Ah, fuck! Fuck! Ah, fuck! Got in car accidents shit, just keep driving, we'll lose 'em in the trees.
We just thawed him out, gave him a joint, and he's fine.
All right, guys, I got a plan, but Barb cannot know about this.
How do you feel about dipping into your retirement funds? That way we can buy out Samand just pay you back.
- It's easy.
- Right.
It's not that simple.
We wouldn't get shit for my fucking weed right now, the market's flooded.
And besides, it's all frozen in my trailer.
What about oil? You said there's a lot of money in oil.
There is, it's great money, but it's a pain in the fucking ass to make, and Sebastian bach ordered a Mason jar full and that's gonna take at least two weeks to make just that.
Well, Ricky, if it's just a time thing, I might be able to streamline the process for you, you know.
I'm pretty good at that kind of shit.
Sure man.
That's a good start, but it's not good enough.
Just so you guys know, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to save this park, and I'd really appreciate it if you guys were both on board with me, okay? All right, mister fucking growly pants.
All right, bubs, can you put orangey out for a suntan for a bit? A suntan? Ricky, I don't think you're supposed to put fish in the direct sun.
Yeah you are, that's what givesthem their shiny coat and makes their flippers grow.
Julian! Hey, Jim.
To what do I owe the pleasure of this wonderful muscular machine? Hey, can I get you a rum drinky poo? No, I'm on the whiskey now, I'm good thanks.
Oh sorry, Julian, I've got no whiskey left.
Here, have a seat.
Hey, you must be hitting the gym lately, you're looking pretty fit, bud.
Let's just cut to the chase.
What's it going to take to get your one percent? Oh, Julian, that itsy bitsy one percent isn't for sale.
I mean, why would I want to part with that? Jim, you know we need it to buy out Sam, come on.
Oh, yeah, I never thought of that.
That one percent is really, really, really gonna be hard for me to part with because you know I'm pretty sentimental about it.
Besides, I mean, I don't have time to think about that kind of thing, I'm, I'm busy trying to figure out what I'm gonna do with my retirement.
Hey, maybe there's something you could help me with.
You know, you give me a little hand, I give you a little hand.
What do you think, bud? What do you want me to do? Well What are you doing? We could be creative, Julian.
Cheers, bud.
Wanna be my partner? I want your help.
Well, maybe you help me, and I'll help you, Julian.
Lahey's been trying to fuck meover my entire life, but now that's he's retired, I'm hoping that, hey, he might actually want to try to help us out.
So, if that means that I gotta break the law to get him things that's gonna make him happy, then I'm going to do it.
Julian! You got to be fucking kidding me, Marvin.
Julian, I know how this shit always goes with you guys.
I mean, I'm fine that you're partners with Barb, but I want you to promise me that we're gonna do this the right way and keep the illegal shit to a minimum.
Bubs, I can't promise you that, I've got way too much shit on the go right now, man.
Thanks, sweetie.
Well, I'm not going to fucking jail.
So, I mean, I do wanna be involved, but if I'm going to do this, I need to be in charge to keep things from getting fucky.
That's the deal.
All right, we're cool with that.
What do you think? Okay, boys, well, there's only one team in the history of the world that was super tuned and super successful, and that was the a-team.
That's what I wanna model this after.
We are gonna be the v-team: Ricky, you're over here, Julian, you're over here.
There can't be any direct communication about illegal stuff, it has to flow through me, down here at the v.
The v-team.
Do you get it? I don't know man.
Yeah, yeah I guess, but that's why the a-team was probably so good, right.
Because it's You know, they got this little shortcut-y path-y thing right here in the middle, so instead of having to go up here, you just cut right across here.
No, Ricky, that had nothing to do with the fucking a-team.
I'm just using it as an example.
We are going to be the v-team, just like that.
That way you two can't decide to, you know, do something like steal a bunch of fucking sheds when you have perfectly good money to buy the fucking things.
Has to flow through me.
All right? All right, I'm cool with it.
Yeah, I guess, man.
Okay, boys, put 'em in.
This is awesome.
Let's do this as a team and buy this park! Put 'em in, Ricky.
One, two, three, v-team! Fuck! Did you hit yourself, Ricky? Somebody did.
Randy, I don't need a goddamn drinking schedule.
I'm fine, bud.
Mr.
lahey, you're gonna spend your entire retirement down at Julian's bar drinking that roc vodka every day.
Yeah.
I think liquor's the reason for your little problem.
Come on, Mr.
lahey, just give it a try.
Check this out.
Look.
Weekdays you can havethree beer or wine coolers, on Friday you can have fouror five, and on Saturday, it's a free for all, you can have as much as you want.
Randy, I can have a free Gentlemen, I was wondering if I could have an hour off? I have the chance to woo a beautiful woman with a song I wrote, and fuck the shit out of her.
My eyes capture your soul So then my hands may touch your body The fact that he went ahead and hired an assistant supervisor, while I'm still the supervisor, doesn't really bother me.
What does get me is the fact that he hired the first person he interviewed.
The fact that the guy's got chiselled features, a great body, silky hair, and warm beautiful voice is probably has nothingto do with it.
And I am like the wind You can blow me anytime Just take me in your mouth and blow me Oh, that was beautiful, Donald.
Thanks, Randy.
Of course you can have an hour off.
Take two, buddy.
Ah, fucking fantastic.
Uh, ra-Randy, Randy.
Yeah, maybe I could give this drinking schedule thing a shot.
Why not? That's it, boys, keep sloshing the weed around the isopropyl.
- Break that shit up.
- Oops.
Corey, take your fucking time, you stupid cocktard.
- Ricky, be nice.
- What's next? Well, then we run that mixture through a cheesecloth, get rid of all the solid bullshit.
Then, we've gotta boil off the alcohol in these pots, and that is fucking dangerous.
Gotta be the exact temperature.
- But that's it? - Once it's boiled off, what's left is honey oil? Yeah man, the best you'll ever smoke.
Oh my fuck! All right, listen up, you ass sprinklers, you guys are going to have to work together a lot now.
And Cory, if Jacob fucks up, be really hard on him.
It's the only way he's going to learn.
I'm going to give you guysfour strikes, and thanks to thatlittle fuck up, Corey, you guys have got three left.
Gotta get back to work, boys.
Back to work? I'm in the middle of making honey oil for that rock dick, man.
I'll be lucky to finish on time as it is.
Ricky, if this is the whole process, I can streamline the shit out of this.
Couple things from the mall and I could have this whole thing running slicker than an oiled up whore at a fishing derby.
Good, make it happen, thanks.
Well, let's go to the mallright now.
Put your fucking plungers down.
I need you guys to steal me a Van, meet me at the mall.
Cool.
All right, man.
Dude, what do you needa plunger for? I'm in charge, I was put in charge.
I was put in charge, you know what I'm sayin'? You also got a strike against us.
All right, well I'm not trying to blame anyone for that, or anything, but you know what? I wouldn't have stuck the thing in the bucket if you weren't, like You know what I'm sayin'? I merely said to her, your hair is like gold, you must be some kind of treasure.
I like your chest.
She reminded me of my twin sister.
I didn't know you had a twin sister.
Ah yes, the most beautiful, kind soul on the face of the earth.
Holy fuck, Randy, where'd allthe smoke come from, bud? Smoke? What smoke? Frig off, Ricky! Mr.
lahey told me I should leave those guys alone, but if Ricky keeps friggin' pushing me- Shhh! Shhh! Let inner peace through all your soul.
Karma will do the rest.
What's up, dude? Got the Van.
Got the Van.
Where did you get the Van? - They rented it.
- What the fuck happened to you? There was a dog in the back of the Van.
When we, uh, rented it.
It attacked me big time.
Oh yeah, rental Van companies always keep fucking attack dogs in the back.
Jake, Cory, you guys really are fuckin' dumber than stupid, aren't ya? Oh no, dude, that dog was big.
You know what else? The whole package was in his mouth.
And what the fuck were you doing while the dog was chewing on his testicles? - I played dead, man.
- Walked right past me.
My balls are killin' me guys, I think I need to go to the hospital.
We don't have time to go to the hospital right now.
You're gonna be fine, it's just a little scratch.
Jesus! Here, Cory, take the hash coins, go see Steviein the hardware department at the fucking zellers, okay? Tell him you need a rice cooker- two rice cookers, two rice cookers we need.
Two rice cookers, a power bar, and shop vac filters, okay? Yeah.
He's gonna trade it for hash.
Cory, the cookers needs to be the sixty-five hundred model with the buttons on the front.
Cool.
- It's all good.
- Try not to fuck that up.
What model number is it, Cory? Sixty-five hundred, I got this, dude.
Going to see Tommy right now.
Tommy's a guy, you know, I've known since high school.
We used to call him "Tommy bean" 'cause he used to carry around a bag of Benny's, so, you know, here comes Tommy bean with his bag of beans.
Anyway, the only thing I could think of to get lahey was a couple gambling machines 'cause he likes to gamble.
So, if you wanna get shit like that, you go see Tommy bean.
No, bro, they're rigged up, right.
So they pay out 20 percent, I get 50 percent, you guys walk away with 30 free and clear, nice and easy.
Fucking beautiful.
You're a lifesaver, Tommy.
Yeah, bro, you know I'll hook you up.
There you go, tom.
What the fuck is this? That's three gram for the deposit for the machines, minus the three hundred bucks that you owe me for the Moroccan hash I got you in jail.
Dumbassess, I said it was cash.
Who do I look like, fucking Jack cartier and his fur trading post here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fuckers! I told you cash! What the fuck are you gonna do, shoot us with a slingshot? Put this sling right up your ass mother fucker, you know it! That's fucking five grand worth of hash, you fucking cock-cheese idiot! Calm the fuck down, home alone! I see you back there.
Tommy, put down the slingshot.
Listen, keep the hash as a deposit, I'll have the money for you next week, I promise.
Just put it down, come on.
All right.
One week.
I'm keeping this, and you better have my fucking money, or I will come to that bar and rip those machines out myself.
Thanks, you fucking psycho.
Cocksucker! - Yo, check it! - Rice cooker right there.
What model number was it again? Fifty-six hundred, dude, you got to be listening.
Don't be screwing stuff up on me now.
I'm sorry, Cory, let's just hurry.
I got to go to the hospital or at least a doctor.
Yeah.
Okay.
But more importantly, check it.
I got a good idea.
If we steal everything we need, then I can keep the hash Ricky gave me, no one's gonna know.
No way, Corey, we can't fuck this up.
You were just saying that.
Don't be ridiculous, dude, we're not gonna mess anything up.
I used to do this type of thing with Trevor all the time.
Look, let's just do the trade with Stevie and leave.
Listen, man, if you're gonna work with me, you got to trust me.
Fuck okay, show me what to do.
Uh yeah.
It's the oldest trickin the book, dude, the reverse trojan.
It's like you pile shit in something and the you roll it on out.
Who the fuck pulls outa slingshot? Those things are fucking dangerous, Ricky, I got scared.
Ricky, they actually pulled it off.
Holy fuck, nice work! Nice work, boys, I thought you were gonna fuck thi- Hey! Freeze! You are all under arrest for shoplifting.
Jacob, what the fuck did you do? Oh no, he didn't do anything, man, it was like the thing in the No talking, assholes! You are all going to jail.
Why don't you take a long, glorious suck on my t-bone cockstick you wannabe cop pussies.
Dennis, unload! - Oh you mother fuck! - Ahhh! You son of a whore! You getting this, Jim? I'm telling you, we should be closer.
That's what a dumb cop would do, George.
A smart cop would keep his distance and be patient.
I'm running this operation, George, based purely on seniority.
And until this- Keep filming, Jim, innocent bystanders.
I need to step in.
What the hell is going on here?! Ricky, put the gun down.
Uh, supervisor green, two men in the back there, shoplifted and are resisting arrest.
I gave the two dumbestfuck salamander cocks there at the back a piece of hash to trade to Stevie in the hardware department.
Wasn't supposed to be stealing.
You're lucky we don't sue you for this shit.
Argh! So where's the hash? Consider this your lucky day, boys.
- Sir - Fuck off, George.
Listen up, he's right, they could sue us.
Holster the pepper spray, we'll talk about this later.
We're leaving, come on.
What the fuck just happened there? Why is he letting us go? - I don't know.
- It's burning.
It feels bad because those fucking dickheads with the fucking pepper spray! Get in, let's get the fuck out of here, you stupid assholes.
- Guys my eye, I can't see.
- Like I can't see.
No talking.
No talking, boys, it's your fault.
Fuck! Hey, Jimmy.
Look what I picked up for you, buddy.
Whoa-ho! Now that's being creative, Julian.
I am very impressed.
We are off to a flying start here, bud.
Now you keep making me happy and I don't see any reason why I wouldn't wanna help you out and make you happy.
So you're happy then? I'm happy, Jules.
All right, just as long as this little arrangement that we have doesn't turn into a one-way street, if you know what I mean.
Julian, we're two friends who're just trying to help each other out, eh? Well, you keep scratching my back and I'll be sure to scratch at least one percent of yours.
Okay.
All right, keep playing.
Jesus, Ricky, you could've avoided that.
What took you guys so long? What the hell happened to your eyes? Cory and Jacob, the fucking cock donkey twins fucked up big time.
We had to drop them off at the hospital.
We did manage to get all the shit I need, though, Julian.
Nice! And I've got some good news too, boys.
Lahey's gonna help us out.
We're actually gonna pull this off.
So unload this shit, and get in here and celebrate with me.
That's fucking great news.
We don't have time to celebrate though, I wanna test out this honey oil cooker.
It's fucking insanehow easy this is.
Not bad, huh? But that's it? Pretty much.
I mean, I had to take out the gyro that controls the auto shut-off, but you just set her to long grain, and fucking get at 'er, Ricky.
This is fucking amazing.
Hey, boys, how'd you make out? Not good.
Doctor said I might never be able to have kids.
Oh my god.
Well that's actually probably a good thing, Jacob.
Because well, the big reason is you're dumb and you don't even see it.
Even Trevor knewhow fucking dumb he was, but that's the problemwith you, you actually thinkyou're smart, when really you're twiceas fucking dumb as Trevor ever was.
Ricky, that's enough.
Basically he just sacrificed his testicles for us.
Yeah, actually, we were thinking that maybe because he got his shit fucked up, you could find it in your heart to give us another strike and cancel out the one from earlier, dude.
Ricky, it's the least you could do.
And I'm in charge now.
V-team! Two smokes, let's go, Jacob.
Yeah, of course.
And your lighter.
Let's go.
All right, boys, I'm gonna give you back a strike.
I feel bad for what you went through, Jacob.
- Serious! - Use it widely, okay? - No more fuckups.
- Thanks a lot, Ricky.
Thanks, dude.
Ha! Gotcha! Thanks, Ricky.
He's still not as dumb as trev.
Oh well, hello there, handsome.
You must be Donna.
Don's told me all about you.
Oh yes, don, the sweetest brother in the whole world.
Yes he is.
Pleasure to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Martinis! Drink? I'm real proud of you, Mr.
lahey.
I know it must be hard with everyone else drinking.
Nothing's too hard for you, Randy.
Sucking soul son of a shitbag! Put it on my tab, sweetie.
Yeah, just put it on his thing, Trinity, thanks.
Hey, Barb, how you doin'? Hi, hi.
How did it got with Jim? Good, really good.
I guess we're gonna make this happen.
Oh good.
Listen, I have something for you.
I, um you know I've been doing this crystal therapy to kind of get my mojo back.
Well, this is a, this is a citrine crystal and it, uh, it helps you manifest your goals.
It attracts wealth and, and personal power, and prosperity, and success.
Nice.
Thank you.
I guess we can use all the help we can get, huh? What the fuck is that? Jesus Christ.
What the fuck? Frig off, Cyrus.
As the new supervisor of sunnyvale trailer park I'm going to ask you to leave now or I'm calling the cops! Want a taste of lead, you fat walrus pig man? Put your gun away.
Ricky, put the gun down.
I'm trying to run a business here, guys.
I just wanted you two pisspots to meet the future owners of this fucking shit hole.
Oh, is that right? How do you figure that? All's I got to do is sell a little bit of this happy dust, which I have a lot of, and I will have the down payment to buy this shithole, flip it to a developer, and double or triple my money.
Brilliant plan, there, Cyrus, you dick.
Problem is, you need to be a majority shareholder to buy out Barb, and you ain't that guy.
That's a big fuckup, isn't it, dummy? Dickheads.
What the fuck's he talking about, Sammy? It's the first I heard of it.
Fuck me.
Yeah.
Well, if you'd learn to read, Sam, you'd know that there's a shotgun clause in the pre-nup.
- Ha ha ha ha! - Sam can't read, everybody! Woo! If you want me to make that a little bit clearer because you're not that bright, guys? Mr.
lahey here, he owns one percent of this trailer park.
That makes him the deciding factor here, and he's with me and my partner here.
What the fuck, already? - Yeah.
- Is that right, fucknuts? Why don't youget your facts straight before you come into my park tootin' your fruity little horn and shootin' your little gun off? Well, there's always ways to make things happen, isn't there? Right.
And it ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.
While she's blowin' me! Brilliant.
Come on, Sam! He's a weapons grade dickhead.
All right, show's over.
Everybody back in the bar.
Jacob, next round's on me for everyone, bud.
Thank you, Julian.
Did you see the look on Sam's face when you said we were partners? Yeah, it was awesome.
Maybe this had something to do with it.
Maybe.
Ha! - Let's go get a drink.
- Let's.