Trailer Park Boys s08e10 Episode Script

Crawling Through the Shitpipe

This is the best I can do, Julian.
They're not the ideal candidates to start with.
They're gonna be seen from a distance, Bubs.
It doesn't have to look perfect, man.
Turn around boys.
Ricky Ha, ha, ha You guys look fucked.
No, this is gonna work.
Okay.
This is the most important thing I've ever asked you guys to do so you can't fuck this up.
Thanks Julian.
Five bucks.
All I have is a ten.
I've probably never told you guys this before but I believe in you guys.
You make a good team.
Here's the map.
If you put a scratch on my fucking car, I'll shoot you both in the cocks.
George is watching.
Okay boys.
Good luck.
Heads down, dummies.
Fuck.
I'm scared, Cory.
I don't know if I can do this.
I've never been involved in a special covert operation before.
Ah dude, man, it'll be awesome.
Look at us.
Man, Ricky is like the smartest dude I know.
What's gonna go wrong? Yeah.
Definitely.
Just breathe.
What the fuck? What the fuck, man? Yo, you guys is late.
What the fuck? We got lost, guys.
Sorry.
We're not too good at driving places.
Fuck man.
That's not cool, man.
You're killing me.
Yo.
Where's the shit at? Right there.
Well come on, man.
Let's get it.
Let's load it.
Let's do, let's do this shit.
Let's roll.
Let's roll.
Hands where I can see them! Hood of the car.
NOW! Let's go! Turn around! You're under arrest for possession and distribution of a controlled substance.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
Controlled substance? Since when is spring water a controlled substance? Sarge, he's right.
This is water.
What? Captain this is two one two, looks like the intel was false.
Over.
Help my fuck.
A police takedown over fucking spring water? Can you guys believe that? I suggest you get in your car and drive away.
Or what? What you gonna do? You gonna arrest me for being dehydrated out in this motherfucker? Get the hell out of here.
NOW! Man, come on guys.
Let's roll.
Well have a great day, officer.
So, uh, do you have insurance and registration for this piece of shit you're driving? Well do you have insurance and registration to SUCK MY DICK? Ah! We've been fucking had! Let's get the fuck out of here, man.
I fucking can't see.
I can't see.
Bubbles, will you please calm the fuck down! I told you not to come with us if you didn't want to.
Oh no.
I could've stayed at the trailer park all by myself and let Sam and Cyrus come and kill me.
That's a fucking good time, Ricky! Nobody's killing anybody, Bubs.
Oh hey.
No, no, no, everything's cool.
No, we'll have the money shortly.
Uh he's with us right now.
No, he seems to be on board a hundred percent.
Say thank you, Barb.
You're welcome! All right.
Okay.
We'll talk to you in a bit.
All right.
Bu-bye.
Is that a fucking bag of guns? Oh my god, a bag of guns.
Do you think Sebastian Bach is gonna try to shoot us or something? Would you just relax? We're talking about a lot of money here, Bubs.
It's better to have a gun and need it than not have a gun and not need it.
Oh I can't fucking take this.
I'm telling ya right now.
Hello ladies! Oh my fuck! What is he doing here? Hey, I'm Bobby Turkalino.
I'm here to help Bubbles express himself and say the things he wants to say to Ricky.
Sometimes Bubbles wants to go deep into Ricky's mind.
He can't bring himself to say hurtful things.
That's why I made this guy.
Me like drugs.
Drugs! Drugs! Drugs! Drugs! Say hi Little Ricky.
Hi.
Me Ricky.
Me fucked in the head.
Bubbles, put the fucking puppets away, Bubs.
I'm serious.
Julian, this might be the only thing that keeps me from going off the deep end! They're not gonna say anything, I promise.
Julian, we should probably get your crystal back to Castle Grayskull before Skeletor notices it's missing.
Bubs, this is serious business.
Put the puppet away, please? Oh I know it's serious business, Julian.
This drug deal's very serious.
That's why we got.
Lahey, the alcoholic, and Ricky, the fucking idiot.
Me an idiot.
Nothing can go wrong.
Give us a little kiss, Swayze.
Bubs, fuck off! That hurts too.
Fuck.
This never happened.
There's a car, dude.
Finally.
What the fuck? Oh man.
Nice fucking disguises fruitos.
Now where's Ricky and Julian? And stop fucking around.
We're not in the mood.
Hey! You want my you want my fucking finger to tell my brain to pull the trigger again? Oh you know what, Cyrus? You can fuck off, man, 'cause you already shot someone.
You're not gonna shoot someone again in broad daylight with all the witnesses.
Ah! Cyrus, why'd you do that, man? Let me ask you again, you fucking ugly Patrick Dixie.
Where the fuck is Ricky and Julian? Oh fuck! Hey you guys.
It's so great to see you cock heads.
What's up, man? Fucking right on.
Hey Sebastian, how ya doing? Oh and you brought a puppet! Man, this is great because I dig puppets.
Yeah, that's Bobby Turkalino and Little Ricky.
Yeah.
Right on.
Well it's not quite a tonne, man, but this should last you quite a goddamn while.
You're telling me that this whole thing is filled with honey oil.
Well it's not quite full but fuck yeah there's a lot in there.
Holy shit! Ricky, I didn't think you were talking about an actual tonne.
Look, I speak the fucking words my brain thinks out to me.
Did you or did you not say I will take whatever you got? Yeah but not a whole goddamn barrel, dude.
Like really.
Jesus fucking Christ! Calm down, Ricky.
How much were you planning on buying? Not a barrel! What about a hundred and twenty five grand worth? Jesus.
No, man.
Not a fucking chance.
Look.
This is the best shit I ever smoked.
It's maple flavoured.
Try it.
Baz.
HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF MAPLE SYRUP TREES! THIS IS THE GREATEST HONEY OIL THAT I MYSELF HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED.
WHAT THE THIS IS FUCKING DELICIOUS! Look man, we need a hundred and twenty five grand to buy the trailer park we live in.
If we don't, these two fuck heads are gonna come in, buy the place and kick us the fuck out.
How about I give you the whole goddamn thing for a hundred and twenty-five grand? What? Are you nuts? There's four hundred grand worth of fucking honey oil in there, man.
That's my retirement.
What's better? Do you want everybody to lose their homes? I know what it's like.
I know what it's like to lose my crib.
I know what it's like to lose my band and my chick.
AND IT FUCKING SUCKS ASS! You know what? FUCK IT! I'm taking the whole barrel.
One hundred and twenty-five dollareenies worth.
Let's fucking do it.
Let's blaze.
And the puppet! Oh fucking come on, Baz.
You fucking paid Fucking right.
A hundred and twenty-five thousand dollars worth of this shit.
Get it in the fucking bus.
Let's go.
Get it loaded, open it up, let's go, let's blaze.
Come on.
Right now.
Come on.
What the what the fuck, Baz? You can't buy a fucking barrel's worth of oil, man.
Oh god.
You're the tour manager, right? Good.
Then tour manage my nuts.
Get onto the bus and get the money.
The puppet too, dude! Okay so just so we're clear here, Bobby Turkalino was never part of the deal.
Bubbles, if I'm gonna sell my retirement for the gooder of this park, I think maybe the least you can do is hand over that little fuck face.
Come on.
Hurry up.
I gotta get on the road to Kalamazoo to go on the road with Rat.
What do you think, Bobby? Do you wanna go and live with Sebastian Bach? Do I want to go live with a rock star and get my little fabric bird sucked? Does a moose shit berries in the woods? Me Ricky.
Me want to go too.
Come on the road.
A hundred and twenty five thousand dollars.
That's pretty much every cent we made doing merch and meet 'n greets! Way to go, Baz.
Perfect.
Aw fuck man! Good doing business with you, man.
- Right on, dude.
- Decent.
Enjoy that shit.
Excellent.
You know it's true.
Okay puppet, puppet, puppet, puppet.
Puppet, puppet, puppet.
All right.
Hang on.
What the fuck is this? What the fuck? Get the gun! Get the fucking gun.
Get a fucking gun, Bubbles.
- Get the bag of guns.
- Get the gun.
These are the fucking dickheads I was talking about.
Don't call me a fucking dickhead.
Hand over the cash there, bitch tits.
You know I'm not gonna fucking do that.
Hey ass chin! Why don't you and Captain Caveman fuck off back to the land of arseholes? Fuck off four eyes.
You don't even know that nobody even likes bullies! Like you! Dance motherfucker! What are you doing? Motherfucker! Fuck! Fuck! Damn it! What the fuck is going on here! Get in.
Get in.
YOU FUCKING SHOT ME! Aw Fuck! Right in the stomach.
Jesus FUCKING Christ! How the fuck does this keep happening to us? Just stop the fucking bleeding 'cause we're not going to the fucking hospital.
Who said anything about going to a fucking hospital? Me Ricky! Me shot myself in the foot for fiftieth time! Must be because me a fucking idiot! BUBBLES FUCK OFF! You fuck off! I didn't want to be involved in this anyway.
Bubbles, put the fucking puppet away! Mr.
Steinberg, how about a little chip while you're waiting here? No, no, no, no.
That's okay.
I'm not a Are you sure? No, I'm not a big fan of ketchup.
They're the park favourite.
No, I'm gluten free.
Hello? Fuck! Hey Barb, how ya doing? We're just pulling into the park right now.
All right.
Yeah, yeah.
No, everything's cool.
Just make sure he does not leave! See ya in a second.
All right.
Talk to you later.
They are, they're just pulling into the park, Mr.
Steinberg.
We'll, uh, we'll see them.
Welcome back to the twenty-sixth annual Dick Weed Awards.
BUBBLES, I SWEAR TO FUCK I'M GONNA CUT THAT LITTLE COCK SUCKER'S HEAD RIGHT OFF HIS FUCKING BODY IF HE SAYS ONE MORE GODDAMN WORD! I'm sorry Ricky! I'm fucking sorry.
Fucking better be sorry.
Bubbles didn't want to be involved in this anyway, Ricky.
Me Ricky.
Me don't care.
Ricky! Ricky! That's enough! Me Ricky.
Fuck you, you fucking asshole! That's enough.
Ricky, put the gun down! I'm sick of this puppet shit! I don't care whose lives me ruin.
Bubbles! I said that's enough! Fuck you Ricky! Bubbles! I'm serious.
You better fucking fuck! They're very excited about this.
Uh Julian? Every everything okay? Uh.
This is Mr.
Steinberg.
He's been really excited to meet you.
You cool with fucking cash? Cash? Uh well that's a bit unorthodox but yeah, I suppose I can take cash.
Listen, I've prepared all the necessary documents stating that, uh, Barbara has the funds and she'll be purchasing the shares from, uh, Mr.
Losco.
There's just the, uh, well there's the little matter of the one percent belonging to a, uh, James Lahey? Oh right here sir.
Lim Jahey.
Ugh Pleased to meet you, bud.
Jim.
Jim.
Okay.
Okay.
Uh if I could just have you sign here stating that you're relinquishing your one percent over to Barbara.
Sorry.
Did you say relinquish? Yeah.
Give.
Well I was given to understand that I would get Sam's share in exchange for my one percent.
What the fuck are you talking about? You don't expect me to just give it away, Julian.
Why would I do that? For fucks sakes! You're not doing this to me right now, man.
What? You promised us the one percent, Jim.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I didn't promise.
I, I promised that Sam and Cyrus wouldn't get the one percent.
No, no, no.
You know goddamn well that we were gonna get their shares.
I can't imagine how I got that mixed up, Julian.
I can easily make an amendment to the document if that's gonna be the arrangement.
Barb? Just, just wait.
All right.
So does this mean that he'd get the forty nine point five percent of the park? Well actually, wouldn't I get fifty point five percent with the one percent I already own? Or I could go talk to Sam, see what he's offering and let him and Cyrus get the park.
It's your call Sexian.
Okay make the change.
Just sign the fucking document.
All right.
Oh.
Sheesh.
One more thing.
Um you know Julian, just one more thing.
You know, a man may live his whole life and never hold power in his hands.
Real power.
And then one day power might just drop onto his lap.
Did you ever hear the story about The Shitfisher, Julian? Jesus Christ! Have a seat.
I don't want to take a seat.
Have a seat, Julian.
I'm not sitting down.
This old Shitfisher took his bagpipes down to the river and he played his pipes in hopes that the shitfish would rise up out of the water.
But not one shitfish rose, Julian.
So he took a shitnet and he threw it in the river and, lo, soon he drew it forth filled with shitfish.
Then he took his bagpipes and then he played them again and all the shitfish jumped up in the shitnet.
'Oh, you dance now when I play, ' said the Shitfisher.
And then the little old shitfish spoke up in the end and he said, 'when you're in a man's power, you must do as he bids you.
" Shitnets, Julian, and Shitpower.
What the fuck are you talking about? You win.
Just sign the paper.
Please! All right.
I'll sign the papers, Julian.
But first, I want to seal it with a kiss.
Not a fucking chance.
Come on, Julian.
It's just a little chocolate.
Give him one.
I'm the Shitfisher, Julian, and you're in my shitnet.
We seal it with a kiss on the lips or I walk away from this deal forever.
Lips? He wants to kiss him, Ricky.
Kiss him! Oh man, that sucks.
No shit! Well you got no choice though.
Look Julian, just look at it like this.
You can do this.
You just have to think of, like, Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption.
He had to get in that horrible fucking goddamn shit pipe to crawl to salvation.
That was a fucking movie, Bubs.
I know, I know it was a movie but it's just like this.
This is your shit pipe, Julian.
This is your shit pipe.
You gotta just fucking close your eyes, plug your nose, get in that shitty pipe and start crawling to, crawling to Sunnyvale bud.
Get in the shit pipe, Julian.
Please Julian.
Get in the shit pipe! All right.
One fucking kiss but my mouth stays closed.
And I'm not moving my lips.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
You can do it, Julian! I know this is fucked but you gotta do it.
I gave up retirement, man.
Come on, Julian.
Everybody's sacrificed everything they've had.
Let's get this over with.
Julian, just think of the party we're gonna have.
There's ketchup chips, hot dogs here.
Cake.
Just pretend it's an old drunk girl instead of a man.
You're in the shit pipe bud deep.
Ah forget him.
You know Julian? What? There's only one man in this world I want to kiss right now.
And you're not him.
Actions speak louder than words, don't they Randy? That's right, Mr.
Lahey.
You just need to show me with the little things, like sticking up for me when someone pisses on my shoes.
Oh.
You're right, Randy.
I should've stuck up for you, bud.
But you know what? It's never too late.
You sure it was Ricky who pissed in your shoes, bud? I've got no proof but I think it was.
Come on.
Ricky! Did you piss in Randy's shoes? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Ah I see.
Bubbles, I know you know.
And don't fucking lie.
I don't know, Mr.
Lahey.
I have no idea who Ricky did it! Me did it.
Fucking asshole! I knew you pissed in my shoes! Yeah? So what if I did? What are you gonna do about it? Ricky, you pissed in Randy's shoes.
Now Randy's pissing on yours.
Like fuck he is.
Oh he's pissing on them, Ricky.
He's pissing on them or Sunnyvale goes to Sam and Cyrus.
Don't push me.
I'm fucking serious.
Just get it over with, man.
It's for the park.
Fine.
Piss in my fucking shoes.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
The shoes stay on.
Oh I don't fucking think so.
You're fucking serious? Yeah.
You are sick, Jim.
Come on, Ricky.
You have to do this.
People have made sacrifices here.
Fine fuckhead.
Piss on my feet.
You splash my right leg, I'll kill ya.
I've got a bullet wound.
You don't move a fucking muscle till Randy's finished.
That's the deal.
Randy, from this day forward, no one is ever gonna piss in your shoes again, bud.
I promise.
Show me what you got.
Here it goes, Mr.
Lahey.
Oh my god.
Come on, Randy.
- I can't get it going, Mr.
- Good.
I'm bashful.
Open up the floodgates, Randy.
This is fucking piss karma.
Right.
Here it goes.
Oh yeah! Good one, Randy.
Ugh.
Ugh.
This is payback, Ricky, for all the friggin' shit you've done to me.
Oh.
This is karma.
You're doing good, Ricky.
You're doing good.
Just think about everybody in the park.
Yeah think about how everyone in the park's watching Randy PISS on ya.
What the fuck were you eating? Ah this is spectacular! I love you, Mr.
Lahey.
You're fucking dead.
Okay boys.
Shit-ageddon.
Okay Barb, I'm ready to sign.
Bring on the documents.
Thank you.
- Oh and, uh, one last thing.
- Ta-da! - What the fuck is going on here? - What's this for? Hands behind your backs, boys.
What the fuck are we being arrested for? Manufacture and And distribution of a controlled substance.
I've been gathering evidence on you guys the whole fucking time.
Why the fuck would you do that? Why couldn't you just leave us alone? Because it occurred to me, Ricky, how the fuck could I enjoy my retirement with you living in this park? By minding your own fucking business, that's fucking how! Ricky, the only time I ever found peace was when you were fucking in jail.
You know what? I honestly was trying to let well enough alone, laissez-faire, Ricky, but then George came up with this great idea.
- George? - Yeah, George.
What the fuck are you talking about? You think it's fun banging people's fucking girlfriends and then getting them thrown in jail, you prick? You can suck my fucking smooth cock there, George Green, you fucking dumber than dumb fuck.
You don't got shit on us and there's not a fucking chance we're going to jail for this shit.
Fuck you! Oh-oh-oh.
Take care of him, George.
Listen, buddy.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but I already gave the tapes to the chief.
Looks like only one of us is going to be taking credit for this one, George.
Sorry about that.
Hell, you have to live with it, you being the dumbest cop on the force.
Jim.
Yeah.
You have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law What? You have the right to legal representation.
Do you understand these rights? What the fuck is going on here? Jim.
What? I was reinstated nine months ago.
I'm undercover.
And as far as the law is concerned, all you've been doing around here is participating in a whole lot of criminal activity.
You're going to jail with all the rest of them.
Get him out of here! George, we're partners, buddy.
Take him away.
Randy, you're the park supervisor! Come on, Randy.
You can do something here, bud.
Fucking George Green.
How the fuck did they let that guy back on the force? He's a fucking idiot.
Can you just shut the fuck up? You're not making things any better here.
Excuse me, but are you okay ma'am? I I just can't believe this is happening.
Lapis Lazuli.
A beautiful stone for an even more beautiful lady.
Victor Daniels, ma'am.
A pleasure to meet you.
If you need anything at all, anything, that's my personal cell number on the back.
Please don't hesitate.
Good day ma'am.
Thank you.
You were fucking banging her, Julian.
I was not banging Barb.
You got distracted by her bullshit crystals.
I won't let you down as trailer park supervisor, Mr.
Lahey.
Cross my heart and hope to die.
Randy.
What's up dudes? I got shot.
It was awesome.
Ah! Jesus fuck! Bubbles, calm down.
Will you guys stop yelling at each other please? It's him.
Listen, fuck off both of ya.
You had, you had to piss in Randy's fucking shoes, didn't ya? Boys, just stop it please.
I'm covered in piss right now.
I know and I'm freaking out.
Listen to me.
I promise you we will not spend one fucking day in jail for this.
I can't believe I let that oily, stinky, big fucking hippo piss his dirty stinky piss all over me and then I get busted by the dumbest dummy fuck head of all times and it's all thanks to liquorball.
Mc Old Pubes.
Lahey is lucky he's not in general population or I would fucking have a piece of him already.
Sometimes jail isn't that bad.
Life kinda stands still in here, which is a good thing because, you know, it's gonna help me get over wanting to kill Lahey.
Get your jollies fucking around with Jim Lahey? Just like George fucking Green? I gotta admit.
He fucking blindsided me.
Yeah.
The dumbest cop in the force takes down Jim Lahey.
What the fuck's that make me? A loser.
A drunk, ex-cop, bisexual loser.
I was totally blindsided by what went down with George, like everybody else, and I feel horrible for what happened with Ricky and he was doing so well dealing with the whole pregnancy and, and he sort of gave up everything to keep this family together and it's been pretty hot.
So I'm optimistic for the future of our family.
Fuck it.
I got my family back now and that's all that matters to me.
That and becoming a granddad and good dope, good grilled cheese, nice sauce for my chicken fingers, videogames, getting drunk.
That's pretty much it.
Oh and killing Jim Lahey and George Green as soon as I fucking get out of here.
Man, going to jail this time has done wonders for, you know, our status with Ricky and Julian and stuff.
I mean I took a bullet for Ricky.
I took a bullet as Ricky, which is pretty cool.
Yeah totally.
We totally earned their respect this time, especially Ricky.
He told me I'm a man now.
I don't know what I was thinking that I'd be able to run a legitimate business living in between Ricky and Julian.
I mean I, you know, every time I try to do something legit they fuck it up on me.
You'd think I'd learn.
You know what? You're a good friend.
I, I miss Trev and everything but it's been good working with you and I have to tell you that I can't wait to do more getting to know you and stuff.
I think we're an unstoppable team.
We've got a couch and a TV and a lamp, a nice lamp so we have some, we have some nice things I suppose.
Bubs, you seriously fucked up the settings on this TV, man.
I didn't fuck up the settings on the TV.
It's in Spanish.
I didn't put the TV in Spanish.
I don't speak Spanish.
Bullshit.
Who did it then? I don't know.
Maybe the guards let in one of the Spaniards.
One of the Spaniards? You talking about Joe? He's Lebanese.
He's not Spanish.
I'm not talking about Joe.
There's all kinds of Spaniards in here.
Well it's fucked.
I can't understand it.
I can't even get out of the screen.
Well fucking ask them to reset it.
I don't know how to do it.
It's hard in here, you man.
Yeah, but man I may not be as hard as I thought I was, dawg.
You're harder than that.
Them mafuckas, you stand in line, get some meatloafs.
These mafuckas like ain't see you aroundt and I gotta be like hey you man.
I'm fucking terrified, dawg.
And maybe I might not be as hard as I thought I would be.
I know that you got me and I got myselfs.
It's them other mafuckas I'm worried about having me.
Don't sweat man.
Just hold it down, dwag, and I'll be out soon.
I know, I know.
I'm gonna stand with my back to the wall, you know what I'm saying? We're gonna get you out of here.
We gotta do something.
Keep my game tight.
Come on J.
Come on, come on.
No.
I'm a'ight.
Hold it together.
I'm a'ight, dawg.
Hold it together.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Do we do it? Yeah.
Let's go.
Look at the elbows.
Proper.
The Dirty Dancer's making huge profits.
I'm running the girls.
T's doing the money, the dope and the booze.
Things are going really well.
It's actually way better since Julian's gone because with Julian comes Ricky and with Ricky comes trouble.
And I'm just gonna step up and show J-Roc and show everybody that I can do this and that I'm the man that they can count on.
We make a good team I think.
We do make a good team.
We're gonna be out of here in no time thanks to stupid idiot police work.
I mean if I was a fucking police cop the one thing I'd maybe want to have is the evidence, the actual controlled substance we were supposedly manufacturing.
Our lawyer's gonna tell the judge we were making bible fuel and he's gonna pre-bargain out all the fucking mysterymenour horse cockery and he says we'll be fine.
So until then I'm just gonna party my fucking ass off 'cause I'm retiring from jail after this to be with my family.
Last time I was in Sunnyvale I was holding hands with Randy and we just, we were magnificent.
The cl the clouds parted.
The fucking sunrays were shining down and all of a fucking sudden boom boom I'm fucking handcuffed and thrown in this fucking shit hole fucking joint! You fucking asshole.
I got really confused when I fell back in love with.
Mr.
Lahey again and then he went to jail.
So I'm gonna keep my options open.
Donna and I have agreed to have a 'friends with benefits' type of arrangement, no commitments, and as far as we're both concerned, Don doesn't need to know.
You know what the lowest form of a scumbag is? A fucking cheater.
Now me and Sam, we played this whole thing out fair and square but we lost to a good for nothing fucking cheater.
I don't know what's coming next but I, I'm excited to find out.
I do know that the future of Sunnyvale.
Trailer Park is bright.
I think that what Julian did to save this park, for me and for the people who live here, was heroic.
He is an amazing man and I am proud and happy to share my forty-nine and a half percent ownership with him as my co-owner.
I've got shares in the trailer park and my bar's kicking ass.
Tyrone, he just visited me the other day.
He said, you know, he's building this little nest egg for me when I get out which is, is really cool.
I'm gonna need it so right now I'm just gonna relax, get in good shape.
Not worry about a fucking thing.
Ricky was a young toy, he had a ton of oil Well you did have it but now it's mine.