Trailer Park Boys s08e09 Episode Script

Righties Loosies, Lefties Tighties

Come in.
Hey Julian.
My personal bodyguard.
I feel safer already, bud.
Hey Jim.
Randy's sleeping.
Follow me.
Jules, I know how much you like Clint Eastwood so I rented Dirty Harry movie for us, bud.
Since Randy's asleep out in the living room, I thought we might watch it in here.
Separated right down the middle, bud.
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm here to protect you, not lay in bed and watch movies with ya.
Jesus Christ Jim.
That's okay, Julian.
No TV in here anyway, bud.
Oh fuck.
Get up.
What? Get up.
I'm sleeping on the couch.
Get up! Why? Get the fuck up.
Let go.
I'll sleep fucking outside.
This is bullshit! Goodnight Randy.
We gotta make something clear here.
Do you and I have a deal with this one percent, or am I fucking leaving right now? Julian, I cross my heart.
Cyrus and Sam are not gonna get my one percent.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a little stressed out.
I'm tired.
I just want to make sure that I can stayed focused on protecting you, Jim.
- Okay? - All right.
Oh fuck.
You know Julian, right now you remind me of Kevin Costner in 'The Bodyguard.
' Good night, Frank Farmer.
Lahey! Just making breakfast for Julian, Randy.
With your hands down your pants.
Is that how you show me that you love me? Randy.
Is that my apple wood smoked bacon? What the hell are you guys fighting about? Oh I was just making you breakfast, Julian.
That's my bacon! This is the last straw, Mr.
I'm officially moving out.
Help my fuck, Randy.
Tell me you and Lahey just didn't break up over some bacon.
Over bacon? Nah, I've got shit to do, Lahey.
I'll talk to you later.
You are the Gut-tinator.
It wasn't over friggin' bacon! Ever see a gravy tugboat, Randy? What the frig is a gravy tugboat? Look down.
You carry one around.
Frig off, Tyrone! Hey, bring me back some bacon too.
It's my private friggin' bacon.
Frig off! So Bubs, are you sure your setup can handle the volume? Oh my setup can handle the volume, believe me.
It's just a matter whether I can handle the volume of stress.
T, I'm gonna need you to put a couple guys at the entrance of the park just in case Cyrus and Sam show up.
Already too thin on the rooftops and shit, man.
I can get my hockey team to watch the entrance.
Probably a good idea not to have the kids here anyway.
Oh yeah, putting the kids on look out for Sam and Cyrus with guns and cocaine.
That's a much better idea.
It's just precautionary.
Let's get this refinery fired up, boys! Okay team, listen up.
Thanks for meeting me here.
We're not gonna practice today.
Instead, I need you guys to be my lookout.
This is a really, really important fucking job so I need you to band together.
I want you guys to all work as a team and be like a strong long chain.
Do you understand? No.
Well I'm just one of the links in the chain but a link is only as long as your longest strong chain.
Take this.
If you see Sam, that's the big guy that looks like Doug The Bounty Hunter, or Cyrus, that big fucking guy that looks like gay Fonzi.
They drive a really stupid red corvette.
If you see them, notify me immediately or any cops.
All right? You know what they say, team.
Good things come to those at the gate.
Let's see if it's true.
This doesn't make any fucking sense.
Yo man.
Still nothing coming out.
Bubbles, should I keep stuffing weed into the machine? No Jacob, just hang the fuck on.
I got a log jam going on here.
Check the pressure valve in the back, please.
Holy shit! Where there's smoke, there's a wire! You fucking did it, buddy! Not yet, Ricky.
There's a fucking problem here! What's going on? I don't know.
I can't figure it out! I got the weed going into the Isopropyl, coming up through the pipes, down through the filtering system, over to the two-stage fucking refinery process.
Then it comes out under pressure up through the double ninety and it should be going into the tank but it's not.
I can't figure it out.
This doesn't make any sense.
Cory, you stupid cocksucker, you put the valve on wrong! What's a valve? Holy fuck, that's clean.
What a taste! Ah dude, can I try? No you can't try.
You guys are fucking dumb enough as it is.
You don't need to be getting high right now and fucking up your little brain.
Bubbles, you are a certill-fied fucking genus.
Thanks Ricky.
On time as usual, Jim.
Fuck off, George.
The weed is right out there in the open.
Jim, this is a day you're never gonna forget.
I'm calling in the heavies.
Oh yeah? Well you're not calling in the heavies, George.
Jim, this is a chance to make this happen.
You're not calling the goddamn heavies, George.
They're making honey oil, a ton of it! That's a controlled substance.
That puts them in the same league as heroin! I'm in deep, George.
I got their trust.
Look, one more day, George.
One more day, I'll find out when the deal's going down - and who it's going down with.
- Jim.
George, give me one more fucking day and I promise I will lasso those shit turds and I will make them into one gigantic shit ball and roll that greasy ball of shit back to the shit pen for some real shitty time.
Everything's shit, Jim.
What the fuck is going on with you fuckers? Why have you been blowing up my Skype? Sorry Sebastian.
Ricky just, he really needed to get a hold of ya.
Don't tell me you're not hookin' up with me tomorrow at Swearstock.
No, no, no.
I just wanted to let you know that I got a lot more fucking grease than I thought I was gonna have and I thought you might be interested in taking more of it.
This is it, man.
I'm retiring.
Well dude, that stinks but yeah, I'm interested in taking more.
How much you got? I got a fucking ton of it.
Yeah fuck it.
I'll take everything you got! Are you fucking serious? Yeah.
It's the best shit I ever smoked! I'll be back in touch with you tomorrow about the drop.
I'll see you mafucklers tomorrow.
Yes! Holy shit, boys.
A one fucking shot deal.
Fuck! God.
It's about time the good news fairy shit a rainbow on us.
Randy, I'm sorry that you're hurting.
I knew that your love would eventually part ways, man.
I knew it too.
I just didn't want to admit it.
Can I crash at your place for a while? I don't think Donna would mind.
Donna? Your sister.
She lives with you, right? Randal, my sister Donna was mauled to death by a bear and two cougars in Banff National Park thirteen years ago.
Holy fuck! Holy fuck this thing's afishin.
Boys, we're gonna have way more than I thought we were.
Julian, boys.
Don't freak out and don't look around but George Green is videotaping you right now.
Where's he at? Cory, stop looking the fuck around.
What the fuck are you talking about, Mr.
Lahey? Videotaping? He's been gathering evidence on you guys for the last couple of weeks.
He's trying to get himself reinstated back on the force.
Oh that dirty cocksucker! Ha, Ha What are we gonna do here boys? I'm freaking out.
How much does he know? Oh he doesn't know much.
He's, uh, he's been asking me questions, the stupid bastard, but he has no idea that I'm on your side.
Boys this is no big deal.
Jim? Yeah? You tell that stupid fuck locker George that the biggest honey oil deal in history is going down tomorrow morning and to be ready.
Ricky! Ricky! What are you doing, bud? Relax Bubs, it's George Green.
He was the dumbest fucking asshole in the fucking world when he was a cop and he's even more of dumb ass fuck now that he's not.
Oh baby.
I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out, Julian.
Man, something just doesn't feel right with Lahey.
I know that fuck head too well.
The problem is, your brain is incapable of trusting him, Ricky, which is understandable but I'm telling you man, he has everything to lose if he doesn't team up with us and nothing to gain.
I agree, but try thinking about it upside down like I is.
I think his brain is uncapable of not wanting to fuck us over and send us back to jail, especially when he's drinking.
Doesn't anybody use plastic anymore? Fucking cardboard and other shit.
Oh there we go.
Jack pop! See Julian.
We just need about ten or twenty more of this man.
It's gonna work fucking perfectly.
Hey! What? What the fuck? Sons of bitches! Fuck! I knew it wasn't those goddamn raccoons.
Will you fuck off? Tearing my shit apart.
Now you, you're gonna clean up every bit of this god forsaken mess.
The fuck I am.
Once it's in blue bags, the city owns it.
They can clean it the fuck up! Goddamn degenerates, that's what you are! Yeah? Only an asshole hits someone with a fucking leaves comber! Get us out of here.
Thanks for the help, Julian.
Know how to fucking get milk jugs.
Nice work boys.
Nice work.
Ricky's gonna be impressed.
You really think so? Oh, I know so.
He's been talking about you guys and how you haven't been fucking up lately.
Especially you Jacob.
Ah fuck.
Keep it up.
I'll be right back.
Hey Bubs.
Is Ricky just being nice to me because he has to now? No, Jacob.
He's being nice to you 'cause you've been working hard and don't tell him I said this but I think he actually really likes ya.
Ah fuck.
That's great.
That's awesome dude.
Look at the elbow.
Huh? I read it on the internet.
Nice connection, boys.
Right on the money.
Hey Bubbles, what's going on? Uh hey, Randy.
I'm just, uh, testing out some heating systems.
Good stuff.
Listen, could I talk to you for a second? Uh yes.
Yes, for sure.
Let's go for a little walk and have a chat, Randingo.
Boys, I'll be back in a second.
Keep feeding the heating system.
Okay Bubs.
So what's on your mind there, Randy? I know we haven't talked in a long time but I don't have anyone else to talk to and I know that you won't judge me.
I'm in a situation here that I'm really confused about it.
Oh yeah? What's that situation now? Well if you were doing stuff with someone who, at the time, thought they were someone else when you were doing it with them, and they didn't remember anything the next day when they were another person, would you still do stuff with that person? Randy, are you trying to tell me you didn't know Don and Donna were the same person and you fucking did stuff to one of them? Just to Donna actually.
I'm really attracted to her.
That's great.
I don't think this is a good idea, Cory.
Ricky said not to try it.
Come on, dude.
You deserve to get high.
Bubbles kinda said so.
Besides, you and Ricky are cool, man.
Who's gonna find out? All right.
It's stuck.
Man, you're doing it wrong though.
It's like righties tighties, lefties loosies.
I remember when I remembered it, I told myself not to remember it the simple way so it must be righties loosies, lefties tighties.
Yeah, something like that, dude.
I don't know.
I get all the rhyming words mixed up.
You're probably right.
Just crank it, man.
It's stuck that way too.
You just gotta Oh shit! Oh fuck! Ooh.
Okay, get some.
Ow! Ow! Oh fuck! What are we gonna do? I don't know, dude.
Ah! Aww, fuck man.
It's burning me! No, you just hold ah! It's burning me, Cory.
Go! Get out of the way! Get out of the way! Go.
Aw shit man.
Ow! Oh fuck.
We need something bigger, man! Go dude! Go! There's still maple syrup in it.
Bubbles is gonna kill us.
Ah! Well Ricky's gonna kill us too, dude.
Just put it up.
Shit! I don't know what to do.
I like her, Don's my friend.
I mean this is just really, really weird.
Oh yeah, no, it's a fucking weird one all right.
Uh I don't really know what to tell ya, bud, to be honest.
It's not really my field, you know? This could be one of those 'figure it out on your own' type of things.
Maybe I should have some liquor drinks, let the liquor do the thinking.
There you go.
There you go.
That's what you do right there.
All right.
I'm glad I could help, Randy.
Good luck with that stuff.
Thanks Bubbles.
Oh my god.
Sweet Jesus and baby Mariam.
What the fuck happened? Why is there oil all in these? Why is there a tree sticking out of that? That valve thing just broke off, dude.
It broke.
It just broke off, did it? Yeah.
All by itself.
Oh my fuck boys.
Ricky, just What the fuck did you guys do? We had a bit of a situation with the oil but we, we took care of it.
Yeah, he did really good.
He worked on the fly.
He put, you know Tell me that barrel was empty when you put my oil in it.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah it was.
Oh my god.
You two bumble-cock shit bitches just completely fucked us.
May as well get high boys 'cause these fuck-ass dick machines just cost us the trailer park.
Fuck ass dick machines.
Ah fuck! Cock sucking fucking stairs! Randy? Are you okay? Oh my god.
Let me help you up there.
You big hunk of love.
Oh, you're just like a furnace and all musky.
Sorry Donna.
I can't have a shower.
Left Mr.
Lahey for good.
Well I'm selfishly not sorry to hear that.
Do you want to come inside, and get a little more musky there big boy? Come on.
Let's go inside.
I'd like to but what about Don? Oh Don.
Don's not the boss of me.
I'm my own woman.
Come on in here.
With me.
If Don doesn't care.
Ah fuck Don! Oh my god.
That's fucking disgusting.
Throw that the fuck away.
Oh god.
It tastes like furnace oil and two stroke fucking gas.
Is this the maple syrup oil? Oh my fuck! You're not gonna believe this, man.
This is the best tasting oil I've ever smoked in my entire fucking life.
What? Try that.
Taste like anything? It tastes like pancakes!! With that barrel and everything we've got left to make, we're gonna have way more than enough to buy this fucking trailer park.
Ah thank fuck! Try that.
Back to work, boys.
We gotta finish making that oil.
Bubs, you got any maple syrup left? Yeah, I've got maple syrup left but I was gonna use it for my shed and breakfast business, which doesn't fucking exist anymore.
Yes, you can have my maple syrup.
Thanks buddy.
New recipe.
Are you fucking close enough with the thing? Hey, hey! Hold the fuck on.
We got a fucking meeting with a lawyer in there.
Yeah not today, buddy.
The building's closed.
What? We close at five.
Okay great.
We'll see ya tomorrow then.
The lawyer's gonna be here tomorrow at noon so, so nobody be late and nobody fuc screw, screw up, okay? Just, just tomorrow! Nice work, partner.
We need to get a party going on up in here! Hey man, you can do whatever you want.
Your attention everybody.
I just want you guys to see my newest business partner.
Oh what? You and J have earned it, man.
You deserve it.
What the fuck are you talking about him and J-Roc? I did half the fucking work.
This is typical.
Sarah, I didn't forget about you.
Listen, hey, hey.
How does VP of Operations for The Dirty Dancer sound? For real? For re well, is it okay with you? I'm fucking cool with it.
That sounds good to me.
Congratulations, Sarah.
Nice job.
Fuck these are good chips.
Oh oh oh oh oh oh Julian.
Julian, it's dick brains.
Fuck him.
How was your meeting with the lawyer, dick head? Well look who it is.
I guess you just answered a very important fucking question I had.
Oh yeah? Which question would that be? On whether or not I had to shoot Mr.
Jim Fucking Lahey.
Oh fuck! Nobody's shooting anybody.
Listen, the deal is going down tomorrow.
I've got the cash.
Lahey's on my side.
You fucking lose, okay? So take the money that I'm giving you tomorrow and just let it go, man, okay? I'm sick of fucking fighting with you.
Fuck you Cyrus.
Well I don't like to fucking lose and I don't like to let things go.
So I guess I'll just see you at the fucking finish line, won't we there, Mr.
Muscle Dummy? Fuck sake.
Fuck off! All right.
Let's get drunk everybody.
Whoo! Great.
Not only do we gotta out thock George Green.
Now we gotta double smart Sam and Cyrus too.
How in the fuck are we gonna do that?