Trailer Park Boys s09e03 Episode Script

Anointed in Liquor

I'm a little bit nervous being out here in the woods you know, with all the Samsquamptch sightings, but I don't really have a choice.
The seniors are digging my pancakes.
They think they're the best pancakes this side of Quebec, and they fucking are.
It's 'cause of one thing.
It's 'cause of my syrups.
The different syrups I make.
You know, most people make, like, a maple syrup but I've been tapping different types of trees, with a little bit of hemlock for a little tang.
And I've been adding spruce gum, you know.
It makes it chewy and it's nice on their gums.
They get in there, chewing it, and it soothes their gums, you know, so it's the fuck is that? Something's fucking with my buckets.
What the fuck? You can smell him.
It's a Samsquamptch.
He's a gassy son of a whore, too.
I should just get out of here.
Oh, my fuck.
Holy shit! Samsquamptch's fur.
The cocksucker was probably sucking right on the tap.
Holy fuck Look at that.
He's a fucking He's Where are we going to go? We've got to get the fuck out of here! Careful with that stuff, little buddy.
That weed's from the captain's cupboard.
Did you have a good sleep? Just give me a minute, T.
Hey, sweetheart, you're up early.
It's almost noon.
What's wrong with you? What? What is it? Well, Trin's just worried that My daughter can speak her own words out, dick snot.
What are you worried about, Trin? You know that I love you and I want to stay with you but you promised we'd only be here for one night.
And now you're hanging up artwork.
You're not going to have your fucking baby in a goddamn barn.
T's outside right now.
Me and Jacob are going to go with him.
We're going to do whatever the fuck it takes to find a place for this family to live.
Please don't do anything illegal and go back to jail.
You have to promise me.
- Please.
- Fine.
I promise that I won't do anything illegal.
'Kay? If you need anything, you can get us on channel 7, all right? Just try to relax.
You need to relax, Trin.
Just watch some movies with Willy or something.
Come on, let me see that beautiful smile.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
All right, we'll see you soon.
And Willy, if you've got to piss, bud, remember to go outside.
Okay? I love you more than everything.
See you soon.
My Cutlass was in mint condition, and now it's on fucking blocks with no doors and no wheels! Cocksucker! Serious prick-play, man.
So is there anything legal I can do here? Can I sue him, or? Well, I mean technically it's a conflict of interest because I represent the little piss-cutter in some other matters.
But he has fucked over some other people I know.
Look, what if I told you instead of just getting your stuff back, you could acquire the entire property? How the fuck am I going to do that? Ah, well, well, well, well Tommy is six months behind on his mortgage payments.
He's almost two years behind on his property taxes.
Now, say a fella like yourself were to walk into a bank with a contract, that I could draw up, you know, for a small cash fee, stating that you could catch up on the mortgage payments and clear any outstanding taxes, why, you could steal that place from under that little dick worm.
What do you think, yeah? It sounds good but I don't have any fucking money.
You've got shares, don't you? - Ahh - Huh? Man, I wish I could take you guys right in the park, man, but that Leslie dick is fucking crazy.
He searches the car every time now, man.
It's all good, T.
I'm going in old school, man.
Leslie can suck it.
Just pull up by that manhole there.
Holy fuck! This weighs a fucking ton! What the fuck are you doing? Just get it off! Here, give me the fucking thing! Son of a fucking whore! It's not that heavy, you fucking pussy! - All right, thanks.
- Good luck.
I'll meet you guys on Slutson Road.
Call me when you finish at the bank.
Right on.
Thanks, man.
Hey, Bubbs, what you doing? Protection, Julian.
I'm not letting any 10-foot, slimy slut of a Samsquamptch take me the fuck out.
Bubbs, th-they don't exist, man.
Oh, they don't exist? Well, look at that.
You tell me what that is.
- Smell that.
- Jesus Christ! What the fuck is that? It's fucking Samsquamptch hair.
It was all over my fucking maple syrup taps.
And you saw one? Mmm, I didn't see him, but I fucking smelled him.
Gassy whore! Do I even have to ask you why you have a fucking greasy lawyer coming out of there? It's just a business thing I'm doing.
But, listen, man, I need to borrow some money off you, okay? Just for a few days.
Jesus Christ, I don't have money to lend you, Julian.
- Come on - Fuck! Fuck you! Yeah! Hey, boys.
Can't keep me out of the fucking park.
I'm too smart.
Fuck Hey, dude.
What's up? Where's Jacob? Do you know if we're hanging later? No talking, Cory.
Hey, Bubbs.
Ricky, what the fuck are you doing here? - Are you insane? - I just was wondering if I could borrow 200 bucks to get my car back? What am I, a fucking bank? You need money too? What do you mean, "too"? I need money for this little business thing I'm setting up.
I guarantee it's way more fucking important than getting your car back.
- More important? - Yeah.
I need my fucking car back to find a place for my family to live and get them out of the barn.
How's my trailer? Are you comfortable in there? - It's pretty cozy, actually.
- Boys, calm the fuck down.
Look, I've got about 400 fucking dollars to my name but I need that for my Eon's payment.
I can't be doling it out to people.
I'll have it back to you by the end of the day, okay? - I need my car in order to go to work.
- Pffft! Go work? I know what that means when you start doing that, Ricky.
- Fumbling your fucking words.
- How about this: I take the 200, get my car back, then I can go work, get that money, I'll give it to Julian, he'll be "repawnible" to pay you back.
Look, you get me the money by this afternoon, take me to the bank, I'm good with that.
What do you say, Bubbs? - Come on, buddy.
- Fuck's sakes! - I'll loan you the goddamn money - Yeah! Only because I love you guys, but I don't trust either of you as far as I can fucking throw you.
So I'm coming with you to make sure you don't do anything fucking stupid.
Oh, fuck, here we go! Ricky, do not fuck with this guy.
I bet you think you're so clever, infiltrating this compound! Well, bully for you! How did you do it? Actually, I just closed my eyes and dreamed my way in, dick lunch! You're in a whole lot of trouble, Richard.
Do something stupid, dick weed.
- Yeah? - I dare you.
Listen, Colonel weird fuck.
I'm leaving.
Lucky for you I don't want any trouble.
I would destroy you.
You do realize you're old, right? Sonny, I used to get piss-drunk on a crate of whisky and take out 10 guys your size just for the hell of it.
That was in the Falklands in '82.
Or was it Grenada '83? I forget.
One beachhead looks much the same as another when you're drunk.
You know what else looks much the same when you're drunk? Two of these fucking things.
Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you, Mohawk.
Get the fuck out of my way! He's one powerful brute of a man, isn't he, Randy? You don't actually believe all of his ridiculous war stories, - do you, Mr.
Lahey? - Hey, boys! Meet me on Slutson Road.
T's there in the Axi with Jacob.
Hey, Ricky, say hi to Jacob for me, okay? Fuck off! Just worry about blowing up that cock.
Cory, forget about your little boyfriend for a sec.
I have to go do some stuff with Julian.
I'm going to leave you in charge of operations.
Do not fuck this up.
Cool, man, I got this.
All right, let's go, Bubbs.
- Hey, Jules.
- Hey, Jimmy.
How's it going, buddy? Great.
I got some super news this morning.
Oh yeah, what's that? Seems that there's an investor who's very interested in buying Sunnyvale.
Are you fucking serious? Only, it's kind of a sticky, shit-covered situation, Jules.
Why's that? Well, it seems this investor's a straight shooter.
Everything by the book.
And I'm worried that if he finds out about your extensive criminal record, it might jeopardize our deal.
So Barb and I have been talking and we wondered if maybe you'd be willing to sign over your shares.
I mean, they'd still be yours, just not on paper.
Why couldn't you have told me this yesterday? I'm using my shares as collateral in this little business thing I'm signing off on today.
- Fuck! - Oh, man.
Look, I'm sorry, man.
But, if there's anything I can do for you Holler, man.
All right, let's go, Bubbs.
All right, Jacob.
Quick and dirty.
Let's hit that one first.
Cop car? Yeah, they got full size spares and they think people are too stupid to break into them.
You're not.
I'll show you the button to pop the trunk.
Let's go.
Quick, quick.
Why would he have to do a cop car? - Nice.
- 'Cause he's fucked.
Take the spare tire and put it in the garbage and it's pretty much legal.
There's a '70s Newport.
Same bolt pattern as the Yorker.
You've got your slim jim? - Yeah.
- All right, get the fuck in there.
Ricky, what in your fucking brain makes you think that this isn't illegal? Well, maybe what he's doing is a little bit illegal but I'm just collecting garbage.
I'm doing the city a favor.
- Rick, Rick, Rick - What? Oh, Jesus Christ.
- What the fuck are you doing? - Hi Hey, how's it going? We're from CCA.
We're just here to replace your tire for you.
Well, I never had any flat tires, though.
Yeah, we thought that was a little weird but you called us.
No, I never called you.
Must be your wife or your husband.
- How did you get into my car? - I don't know.
It's a good thing we came 'cause that tire's about to fucking explode.
It could've hurt somebody.
- Hey, how are ya? - Really? I've never heard of such a thing before.
It happens all the time.
It kills a lot of fucking people.
- Yeah? - Actually, it's a good thing we came.
- Well - Got any smokes on you, bud? - I'm fucking dying here.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
I'll take a couple there, if you don't mind.
- Two, yeah? - Yeah.
And we'll get rid of that tire, - so it doesn't blow up and hurt somebody.
- Okay, I guess.
Just buy another one at the auto place or whatever.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
Good job, Jacob.
Let's go get my car! You know what? It's really cool that Bubbles trusts me enough to run this place all by myself, you know what I'm saying? And it's going awesome! The only thing is that I miss Jacob, though.
It's hard having him not much around lately.
Ricky! Ricky, you can't take the car until you fucking get it registered and inspected.
Yeah, sorry, boys.
It's right here in the police report.
Well, cut my balls and slap my cock! - What the fuck's going on, Reggie? - Hey, kitten-fucker! - Good to see you! - How long have you been out? A couple of days.
Hey, this is fucking great timing.
You can really help me with this.
I just picked up a fuckwad of Purple Cheese clones.
You can move them for me.
Ohh, man This is probably the best clone guy in Canada.
I'd love to help you out, but I'm trying to go straight.
You're killin' me right now.
You're going straight? You know, Ricky, why don't you fuck yourself straight? I wouldn't mind picking up some clones.
Jacob, you couldn't get a "cactnus" growed.
Reggie, I can't be dealing with this bullshit right now.
I haven't even started work.
Are we cool here or what? What, you want me to kill this? - If you can.
- Yeah, fuck it! We're cool, brother.
- Good to see you, man.
- Hey.
You decide to start growing again, you know where to find me.
- I appreciate it, but I'm done.
- All right.
- See you, Reggie.
- See you, guys.
"Kitten-fucker"? Give me baloney? Or is that supposed to be liverwurst? Oh, gosh, I don't know.
He's a busy, busy boy.
- Hey, Barb, is Donna around? - Right there.
See you tomorrow, Sherry.
- Thank you.
- Have a good one.
I made you lunch, Donna.
Cheeseburger and onion ring egg rolls, my new specialty.
Jesus, Randy, a tossed salad would've been nice.
That greasy shit goes straight to my fuck-handles.
I was trying to do something sweet for you.
Oh, making me fat is sweet? They sound delicious, Randy.
- I'll eat them.
- Thanks, Mr.
At least someone appreciates my effort.
Oh, please, Randy.
You're going to start liking men again? Stay the hell away from my work.
Tremblay? We're ready for you.
So how did it go with Julian? Oh, not great, Barb.
But, say, I was thinking of planking a salmon tonight for supper.
Can you come? You silver-tongued devil! - Maybe make it an early night - Well, we'll see.
Barb! Are you seriously thinking of getting back together with him? Oh, I don't know, Sarah.
I just know it feels good.
To feel good.
I'll see you same time tomorrow? - T, are you all right? - I'm all right.
You got any, like, gum or breath mints or anything? Yeah.
You must be doing something all right 'cause we have three ladies booked for special massage with you later today.
We're going to need something stronger than this shit, then, 'cause it ain't working.
Jesus Christ, Ricky, why the fuck do we stop here right now? Well We need some We need some chips.
Oh, yeah? You're stopping for fucking chips, are you? This is for your family, Jacob.
So don't fuck this up, okay? In and out, and we only need $300 or $400.
I'm nervous, Ricky.
I'm not good at this kind of thing.
You don't need to be fucking nervous.
Just tell them we're borrowing the money, we'll pay it back in a couple weeks.
Okay? - Should be cool.
- Can't get in much trouble for that.
Guy that works here is really stupid, should be all right.
Get some food.
I'm starving.
And some other shit.
Jesus Christ! Does he have a mask on? - Freeze! - Oh, my God! I guess Jacob knows the guy in here.
He's going to borrow some money and other shit.
Why has he got a mask on, then? Dad my ter broke What the fuck did she say? Fuck, I think she may have said her water broke.
Water broke? There's no plumbing in the fucking barn.
How the fuck does the water break? No, Ricky.
That means she might be having the baby.
- Get in! - What the fuck?! Holy fuck! Trin? If you can hear me, we'll be right there.
Don't panic.
Everything's going to be okay.
Get me out of here! Fuck, Jacob, what did you do? I know that's you, Trevor! What the fuck, Ricky! I'm sorry, boys.
It's for our family, I had no choice! Will you fuck off with the throwing shit! - Fuck! - Cocksucker! You throw one more fucking thing, I fucking bury you! - Drive! - Fucking goof! That guy fucking jammed on me! Fuck.
Oh, man, am I cut bad? Would you shut the fuck up, Jacob! Trinity's water just broke.
I thought there was no plumbing in the barn.
Oh, Jacob, you stupid fuck-piss! She's having the baby.
Trin? Can you hear me? If you can hear me, try to keep that thing in your body.
- We're almost there, sweetheart.
- Go around.
We're almost there.
- Dad! - Hang on, Trin! Daddy's here! Everything's gonna be all right.
Hang on, Trin! Go, Jacob! Hey, hey, hey! What's going on? - Ah, fuck! - Oh, fuck! I'm fucking shot again! Fuck this! Jesus Christ, Ricky, where are you shot? Dad! - Trinity! - Hang on, Trin, I'll be right there! Ricky! Hold your fire, asshole! Will you fuck off with the fucking shotgun! My daughter's baby's about to get fucking born in your barn! - Come on, Ricky.
- For Merciful Christ! - Are you serious? - Holy fuck! Does she sound like she's joking, you religious shotgun whore? Holy fuck! Maybe I can help.
I've delivered calves before.
Yeah, well, babies don't get born from your fucking legs, you idiot! How's that going to fucking help? Ahhh, ahhh! Oh, my God! Pick a lane, Julian.
Don't go too far, Willy.
An update, Jacob.
An update.
It's really close.
I can see its head.
What? Way to go, Trin! A couple more hard pushes! Come on, honey.
Bring that fucking thing into this world.
Ricky Come on, Trin.
Fucking come on.
You can do this, Trin.
Keep pushing, sweetie.
Oh, my fuck Oh, my God.
Oh, my fuck! It's a baby boy! Yes! - Ricky! - Fucking awesome! You're a grandfather! We're uncles, Jules.
- Take a sip, grampa.
- Are you serious? - Yes, man.
- Thanks, man.
- Congratulations, Trin.
- Congrats, Trin.
Congrats, my beautiful daughter.
A baby fucking boy! Jesus Christ! This calls for a celebration, boys.
Here! What did you get, Jacob? Air fresheners and chocolate coins.
Why didn't you steal some fucking cigars? Sorry, Bubbs.
Rick, I need my drink back.
Oh, did I get some on him? Sorry, little buddy.
You're going to be a little drinker and a little smoker? Oh my God, he's been anointed in liquor.
Do you want to know something? I am the luckiest man in the world.
I have a fucking gramson.
Not to mention, I mean, my beautiful daughter.
I have a new son-of-law.
I've got a wicked willy-goat.
I've still got Orangie here.
I mean, I don't really have a great place to live and I don't have Lucy back.
She's probably banging George.
Could even be banging him right now.
Anyway, from now on, my life is just all about family.
It's fucking awesome! Want a hit, Orangie? There you go, little buddy.
Here's your cash, man.
Here's your deed transfer.
Thank you.
And here's your, uh, insurance papers.
Just sign that for basic coverage.
Oh, and I checked into that other thing.
There's no investor.
I knew he was fucking bullshitting me, man.
Congratulations! - You own a motel.
- Ah Hey, Tommy! Oh, hey, Jules! You got my greenbacks fast! Ha! Hey, sorry about your car again, man.
Listen, I'll take Or maybe I should charge you 100 bucks standing around fee for trespassing on my motel.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - This is mine now.
You shouldn't have been so fucking far behind on your payments, Tommy.
Now get off my property before I call the cops.
Hey man, you can't do this.
What about all my shit? Don't worry, you'll get it back.
But it's going to cost you.
- Ohhh - Business is business, brother.
You're a back-stabbing, conniving shitfuck, Julian! - I will dent your fucking sku Oof! - Tommy! Go sell a bag of beans, you pill-popping little fuck.
I will fucking destroy you! Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with, man? Fuck you, Tommy B.
You motherfucker, I'll get you! Ahhh! Holy sweet flying fuck! What was I thinking leaving Cory Cockbutter in charge? Calm down Calm down! What the hell is going on? What the fuck is going on? Everybody just calm down for a minute.
I can't, dude, I'm scared.
Bubbles, what the hell's going on here? This is a serious noise violation that will result in fines if you do not get this under control! This little shit-guzzler has been fucking up big time all day and we are not taking it any more.
Okay, just everybody calm down, please.
I obviously shouldn't have left him in fucking charge 'cause he can't do anything right.
I'm going to put on free breakfast and coffee for everybody in the morning to make up for this.
Cory, get the fuck down here and apologize.
I'm sorry for this, Colonel Dancer.
Look, everybody listen.
I'm very sorry.
It's just it's really hard you don't understand when you have to run a place like this by yourself.
Oh, shut up, you fucking little cry-baby! Bubbles, if this happens again, there will be a hefty fine.
- Are we clear? - Yes.
Crystal clear.
And let's keep a watch on the swearing, shall we? Fuck you.
That was just She's just clearing - her throat, sir.
- Ahem! You're lucky she didn't beat the living shit out of you.
You're fucking right.
Well, I may yet.
What do you think, little buddy? Thanks for the fur.
How's the new granddad doing? Where is everyone, man? They're at the hospital.
Trinity's staying there overnight.
- Want a drink? - Cool.
What the fuck is that thing? It's a fucking hair bear, man.
They were huge in the '80s.
The old man couldn't afford a real one, so he made me one.
I loved the fucking thing, so I'm making one for Trin's baby.
Are you okay? I figured you'd be partying your ass off, - celebrating, man.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just I promised Trinity I wouldn't let her fucking baby get born in a barn.
I still have no place to live.
I guess now I'm going to end up taking her to fucking George's house, that family-stealing slut donkey.
Well, I've got a surprise for you, man.
I just bought a motel.
You guys can all come and live with me, even this little fucker.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - Yeah, I bought it.
We can all live there, work there together.
No more Lahey-Leslie bullshit.
We'll live a clean life, man.
- Holy fuck! Are you serious? - Fuck, yeah! Fuck, Julian You really are an awesome friend, man.
My family fucking thanks you.
Yeah, it's no problem, man.
Hey, man, do you want to smoke a joint to celebrate? Fuck, yeah! Weed, hash or fucking oil? You pick.
I can't fucking smoke three at a time.
Here, take these fucking things, you lunatic.