Trailer Park Boys s09e04 Episode Script

George Green: Industrial Cock Inhaler

I don't think you're allowed, little buddy.
Make sure no security dicks try to tow it, okay? Actually you're good.
No pictures of willy goats.
Come on, let's go see Trin.
Okay, let's try and find Trin.
Sniff her out, little buddy.
Excuse me! What are you doing? It's okay.
It's not a dog.
- I know it's not a dog, but he gotta go.
- Fuck off.
- Is that marijuana? - Yes, it is.
- It's a fucking hospital.
- It's "medickinal".
Give that to me.
Your goat has to go, too.
Fine.
Jesus Christ! Sorry, Willy.
Go eat in the fucking car, I guess.
I'll be back in a minute.
Now can you tell me what room my gramson's in, please? - Oh, you must be Ricky.
- Yeah.
Down the hall.
Room 1028.
Thanks, gorgeous.
Go fuck yourself.
Ahh, buenos díos, Juliano.
Your Breakfast Bubb-rito, señor.
Enjoyo! That looks fucking delicious, buddy.
Look under the ham.
Right on, man.
Thank you.
Liquor piggies in a blanket.
How much do I owe you? On top of the which you're going to get back soon, I promise you.
Ah, it's all right.
This one's on the shed.
For frig's sakes! Jesus, Randy! I never told you to throw the stuff down the fucking stairs! Look at ya.
You can't even do one simple thing right.
Donna, I'm doing the best that I can.
I don't know why Julian can't move his own goddamn stuff.
Would you take it easy with that shit? It's worth a lot of money, you dumb ass! It's heavy, too, Julian.
God knows you could use a workout there, you hairy old whale.
Donna, please.
He's trying to do some fucking work here.
Oh, my Christ, Donna comin' down some hard on you, bitch.
How ya doin' with your titties? Randy, what are you doing? I'm moving Julian's stuff for Donna.
Oh, Julian, you're not leaving us, are you? Yes, I am.
My time in Sunnyvale has come to an end.
If this is about the no liquor policy It has nothing to do with that.
Oh, come on, Julian, I mean After all, you are part-owner.
Stay.
The future's bright here.
It hasn't been this bright in a long, long time.
Jim This is fucking killing me, man.
I'm going to miss you.
You can't leave Sunnyvale, Julian.
You are Sunnyvale.
Jim, no.
We were Sunnyvale.
Yeah.
I've got to go.
Well, we are going to miss you, Julian, aren't we, Jim? See you, guys.
Bye.
Hey! How is the little guy? He's a cute little son of a whore, isn't he? You guys got a name thinked up for him yet? Yeah, we're going to call him Ray.
Are you kiddin'? That's fuckin' awesome.
The old man would love that.
We thought you'd like that, Ricky.
I'm putting it down on the birth certificate application right now.
Speaking of the old man, check it out.
Hair Bear.
I always had a Hair Bear growing up, so I made one for him.
It works as a bottle, too, see? - It's awesome! Thanks, Dad.
- That's It's real fur.
I plucked it out of Willy goat.
I can't wait for you guys to get the fuck out of this shithole and come live with me.
I wanted to talk to you about that.
Um Where are we going to live exactly? You, know, the baby needs somewhere safe and somewhere clean, and so we were thinking that Trin and the baby and I would No, no, no.
No fuckin' way.
Oh, look who it is, with his little store-bought bear.
My gramson is not staying with that industrial cock inhaler.
- Fuck that! - It's just till you get settled.
Rick, you don't have a car seat.
You don't have a crib.
You don't even have a bottle.
There's a bottle right fucking there.
Okay, fine.
You've got a bottle.
How are you going to take care of a baby? Knock, knock.
Well, this should be good.
Who's there? The motel that Julian just bought.
So fuck yourself.
That's not a "who".
That's a "where".
It doesn't matter, shit bleach.
What does matter, there's rooms there for all of us except you.
- So fuck off.
- Yeah, clever, Rick.
Okay, look.
Right here I've got a list.
This is all the stuff that babies need.
Get the list and we'll talk.
All right.
Where would I find a die-a-purse? Diapers, Ricky.
Diaper.
Are you going to be banging him? Oh, my fuck! Make my words: That baby will be staying at the motel.
You can put that down in your little word-form, Jacob, The fucking motel 'cause that's where the baby's going to be fucking staying.
Fuck! Hey, Julian.
I brought you a liquor-rito.
Oh, thank fuck, man! You know, that was pretty awesome what you did with Lahey there.
The way you were pretending to have Randy move your stuff out.
Totally believable.
I bet you he thinks you're really leaving.
But you're not, right? Bubbs, look, I would love to stay, man, but I can't.
Yes, you can, Julian.
Look.
The little bottles are just a start.
I can get a 40-ouncer into the park.
It has nothing to do with that, man.
It's time.
This motel is a great fucking opportunity for me, man.
For for all of us.
And I want you to come, too.
How the fuck am I supposed to just pack up and leave? I've got shed payments to make, I've got kitties and seniors depending on me, and a pretty decent job.
I can't go out to the fucking motel, cars whipping by on the highway.
And it's ground zero for Samsquamptch territory.
I wouldn't be able to sleep.
Come on, just stay here.
Bubbs, this isn't going to be forever, okay? It's just for now.
Hey, exchoo me, Julian.
Party bus pizzacked.
We ready to bounce, huh? Bubb, I gotta go.
All right? Love you, buddy.
Love you, too.
All right boys, let's huddle up! Everybody come out here.
Come on.
- Hey, Julian.
- What? This motel more like a Hello-no-tel, you know'm sayin'? It's fuckin' scary Busey up in here.
Even ghosts be, like, "We the fuck out, dawg!" What the fuck are you talking about, J-Roc? Paint peelin' up in there, dawg, it's cold as fuck, you know'm sayin'? The carpet smell like a tuna melt with a side salad of shit, dawg.
Yeah, man, Tommy Bean must've jacked all the pipes out of every room, 'cause you can't even take a poop.
I mean, you can poop, but there's no running water.
I know all that.
What kind of shit did you guys find? Here the good news first off, you know'm sayin'? Roc Vodka intact.
Ain't nobody touched the Booberry, you know'm sayin'? But other mahfuckas left some shit that's cray! Yeah, like, there's some shit from a children's play and some shit.
Remember when Aristocrat closed down? All that shit, talkin' about stripper poles and shit, sound systems and shit, speakers and shit.
- All that shit.
- There's some landscaping shit.
There's, like, some weed-whackers and shit, lawnmowers and shit.
Then there's a room with just some crazy shit, like slingshots and shit and ammo and shit.
- Other shit.
- And check out this shit.
The dude left some '80s porn and shit like "Star Whores", "Top Gunt", you know what I'm sayin'? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got lots of valuable shit.
This is good.
Hey, Ricky.
- What's up, bud? - How's it going? How's it looking, boys? Well, to be honest with you, the motel's a bit of a bust.
Sayin' But If you want to get back in the hydroponics game, we did find some shit for that, though.
Fuck, I wish, but I'm not breaking the law anymore.
I'm serious.
I'm fucking out.
Boys, I'm fucking serious.
How's the rest of it looking, though? I'm not going to lie to you, man.
This place is fucked! Jesus Christ, Julian.
I told Trin she could live here with the baby.
- It was fucking awesome.
- But, it has potential.
No, man.
There's no running water.
You can't even take a poop.
- Shit! - Who gives a fuck about running water? I have running water in my car.
Santa Jesus God never had running water, he turned out okay.
All right, this is what we're going to do.
J-Roc, I want you and the Rocpile to take the party bus, go drum up some business.
We're gonna have an auction, boys.
- Just like Storage Wars.
- Dope idea, dawg.
We've got to get rid of this shit as fast as we can before the people that own the shit come back looking for the shit.
- A'ight, let's boss.
- Know what I'm saying? Then we'll take all the money and we'll fix this place up.
Don't worry about it.
I hope so, Julian.
It's got to happen fast, though, man.
It's going to happen fast.
How's Willy doing? He's good but he keeps eating all my fucking potato chips! You don't feed him potato chips.
He's a goat.
Feed him carrots and celery and shit.
Dumb ass! Going through this list of stuff that Lucy told me to get for the baby, some of it's pretty easy but some of it is fucked! Like a "pacificker".
How the fuck am I supposed to get a baby an ocean? Clothies.
Well, I've got lots of those.
Basically, just like rags.
Baby whips.
I'm not getting fucking baby whips.
Never got whipped when I was a kid and I turned out fucking awesome.
Running water.
I mean, I get it, I guess, for a baby but I didn't know the fucking place needed to be so fancy.
I'm going to do the best I can with this fucking list.
I don't want to go to Lucy and ask what some of this shit means 'cause I'll look dumb.
This room looks like it's the most un-fucked.
This would be perfect for Baby Ray.
- That's going to be his name? - Yeah.
That's fucking cool.
All right, Cory, go room to room, take a detailed inventory.
Okay.
Um, what's inventory? I I totally forget.
How fucking stupid are you, Cory? You don't know what inventory is? - Tell him, Julian.
- Inventory.
You go room to room, take a detailed list of everything so we know what the fuck we have.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, dude.
Do you want to help me take an inventory? You go room to room and take a detailed list - of everything we fucking have.
- No, he can't.
He's coming to the park with me to get all the baby shit.
Sorry, Cory.
Oh, dude, man, what's up? I never see you anymore ever.
What happened to "brothers before mothers"? I know, man.
I'm a boyfriend and a father now.
I've got responsibilities.
Big ones, important ones Go take Willy for a piss.
We've got to go.
See what I mean? What? You can take Willy for a piss but you can't take me? Fucking bullshit.
Come in.
Hey, Mr.
Lahey.
Doing your "suduko"? No Barb thinks it's a waste of time and I tend to agree with her.
- You used to love those things.
- Yeah Can I help you? - Can I ask you a question? - Anything.
Do you ever wish that things could just be the way they were? Randy, change is good.
It's the only constant.
Truth be told I don't want you to take this the wrong way, I've I've never been happier in my entire life.
People can't just change, Mr.
Lahey.
Think of everything we did.
You know, Randy Sometimes I'm not sure that I ever really was that way.
I think it was just the liquor talking, bud.
Hey, let me all axe y'all something right quick.
Is y'all down wit saving skrilla? Yeah! Me, too, bitches, you know'm sayin'? That's why y'all hoes and homies better board the bus to Bizzargainville, y'all! You know'm sayin'? We 'bout to get our auction on, you know'm sayin'? All kinds of shit gonna be on the block.
Free transportation.
All merchandise must go.
And free drinks.
Do y'all like free drinks? - Yeah! - Me, too.
So come on, hoes and homies one and all, you know what I mean? Hey, C.
Yeah, Tombolopolous.
Yeah.
Listen, bro.
I think I know how we can get our shit back.
Yeah.
I'll be in touch, bro.
Wassup? Board the party bus.
You want some drinks, y'all, huh? You want some drinks, y'all, huh? Wassup, banana shirt, huh? You like savings, don't you, bitch? Who else wants some free drin-win-in-win-in-iiinks? What are you doing, Richard? Partying.
You should try it sometime.
You can't come in here.
I know.
That's why I'm out here.
But he can come in.
Jacob, go to my trailer and get all the stuff for Baby Ray, please.
- Got it.
- Hold it there, Stretch.
Spread 'em.
I'm going to be keeping a very close watch on you, Richard.
What's that, Colonel Fucksterd? Can't hear you, bud.
Jesus Christ! Turn that fucking thing off, you German whore-bitch! Fuck off! What were you saying? I couldn't hear you over the siren.
I was trying to fucking say Christ! Jesus Christ, Barb, I don't know what to tell you, okay? I'm trying my best.
I just don't have the money.
Bubbles, I'm sorry, but those sales percentages are way overdue! You know, when you start a new business, it fucking takes a little while to get it going, - you know.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
But I also know that I have told you three times about this.
Now I have stuck my neck way out for you, Bubbles.
When am I going to see some money? Look, Furnando Valensuello sliced his paw on a fucking rusty can, so I had to use all the money on his needles.
Cash flow's just a little tight but I'm good for it.
I am going to need some money by the end of the day, Bubbles.
End of the day! Fuck you very much.
You were so firm.
You handled that really well.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I used to like it when you were firm, Jim Lahey.
Oh, I can still be firm When provoked.
I think maybe we might need a little owners meeting tonight.
Do you think? Well, maybe I could bring along the head of the board.
The hea - My penis.
- Oh, Jim! Jules.
Inventory's done, dude.
It's all listed right here.
Nice work, Cory.
Now, I've got another job for you.
This one's an important one.
Awesome! What do you want me to do? - What's with the suit? - Here.
Put that on and I'll tell you.
It's the oldest trick in the book.
I'm going to plant Cory in the crowd so we can drive the prices up during the auction.
For some reason, Cory seems like he's on these days.
It seems like he's getting smarter or something.
Hey, what about the tags, dude? Should I keep them or What the fuck do you think, Cory? Do you have any scissors? Just rip the fucking things off.
If he fucks this up, I may kill him.
Just rip the fucking tags off! - Hey.
- Whoa, whoa.
Where the fuck are you going with all this stuff, Jacob? I worked hard to put that nursery together.
I'm taking it to Ricky down at the gate.
It's for the baby at the motel.
Oh, no, that's not what it's for.
It's for the baby's room here at the park.
Do you really think he's going to go live at the motel? He doesn't have a choice.
He's just a baby.
Not him, you stunned twat.
Ricky.
Is Ricky going to move to the motel for real? I suppose so.
It seems like our only option.
Here, grab an end of the cart.
It's a shopping cart crib.
It's on wheels.
Just roll the fucking thing.
Okay.
Here, help me get it down the stairs.
Don't boss me around, Jacob.
A'ight y'all sluts got to see the contents of the storage locker right quick, know what I mean? Long enough to know there's some dope-ass shit up in there.
So let's start the bidding at a thousand, huh? Gimme a thousand, what? Gimme a thousand, yo! I want a thousand, hah! Gimme a thousand, yo! - Gimme eight hundy-dawg! - 2,500! What about 500? Sayin' 500 sayin' - 500, know what I mean - 2,500.
J-Roc, dude, 2,500.
the bespectacled Waldo in the oversized suit.
I'm looking for 2,600? Sayin', sayin'.
I didn't have 200, but do I have $3,100 from one of y'all mahfuckas? Holy fuck! What is going on with the noise? Not that bad with ear plugs, Bubbs.
- Want some marshmallows? - No, Ricky Jacob, go and deal with that.
Will you put that siren up your arse, please? Calm it down here! That's better.
How's it going, Bubbs? How's it going? Ricky, honestly, it's it's not going great, okay? The park's really lonely without you and Julian.
Are you guys really just giving up on living here? You know what, Bubbs? Fuck this place.
Fuck Lahey.
Fuck that army dick.
This place used to be awesome, but now it sucks whale cocks! It doesn't have to.
I mean this is where we grew up.
This is our home.
This is where we belong, all of us.
Can you honestly tell me that you don't care about living here anymore? Of course I wish I could live here.
Of course I wish it was dick-free.
And I wish it was still a place we could get wasted and know you'd wake up somewhere safe in the morning.
But it's not.
Not with dicks like that running the fucking show! Bubbs, I can't even go in here anymore.
Watch.
Take it easy there, applejack-ass.
I'm just paving a fucking point! See? I'll see you soon, okay? I need you to come by tomorrow and fix some plumbing.
Come on! Who's got your belly? Diddle-iddle-iddle-lee! Yep.
Go ahead, Ricky, you get my belly.
- Get it.
- Diddle.
Diddle-iddle-iddle.
I just wish you had my back.
Hey, are you ready to be porn again? So somehow, the bid for the greasy contents of storage locker number 22 is currently at Do I hear 4,300? Sayin' 4,300 sayin' Okay, no surprise, another bid from fucking Vanilli.
I'm calling bullshit! Why does that guy keep bidding against himself? Don't blame it on me, dawg.
- Blame it on the rain.
- This is fucked! It's not fucked, dude.
I'm not even buying this shit.
Cory Julian just had me put on a suit and drive the prices up.
It's working.
- So it's not fucked.
- No, I didn't.
I don't even know this fucking guy.
Dude, yeah, you do.
Look, it's me, it's Cory.
Hey, uh, do I hear 4,300? Sayin' 43, sayin', sayin' 43 No, but you hear a "fuck off"! Who in the firemen's fuck said you could auction off my shit? Yeah, you bought this shithole, not the shit in it, Julian.
Put the slingshot down, Tommy.
Hold on! You fuckers are auctioning off shit you don't even own? - Yeah, exactly.
- No.
Who the fuck are you, man? Hey! Hey! Hey! What the fuck kind of a greasy nightmare horror show is going on here? - Is that fucking Dominus? - It is.
Hey! Calm the fuck down! Okay, hey! What the fuck is going on here? We bought shit from these storages lockers, which they don't even own and now this prick is saying it's theirs.
That's because it's this prick's shit, dick.
Okay, let me get this right.
Who the fuck bought stuff here? I did.
And who's saying this shit's theirs? Okay, sounds like the problem's between you two guys, not these people.
If I was you, I wouldn't fucking stand for it.
- Who? - All of you's.
All of you need to fuck off so we can get our shit back! It's not your shit anymore! Julian, talk to you for a minute, man-o-mano? - What? - Listen, buddy.
I, uh, I'm gonna need those tapes back.
They're very important to me, like, very fucking important.
- Why is that? - Well, let's just say, I did some things with four or five girls, a couple of them turned out to be dudes.
- Oh, man, that sucks! - Yeah, I know.
It wasn't my best fucking work.
I'm not that proud of it, I can tell you that.
- What's it worth to you? - That's the thing.
I ain't got no fuckin' money on me right now.
You've got the gun.
That's worth something.
- You're shitting me, right? - It's a start.
Fuck.
Whatever, man.
Get the fuck off my property or else I'm going to release your little fuck-tapes to the entire world.
- Oh, it's like that, is it? - It's like that! Obviously you fucking don't remember who the fuck I am! I know who you are.
You're the fucking star of "Top Gunt".
- Oh, really? - Is that the one with the dudes in it? - Fuck you! - No, fuck you! Get the fuck out of here! - Don't fucking push me, man! - Yeah? You see anything here you'd like to take a little suck on or anything? Fuckin' blow me, Ricky! See how the rocket's my cock? I want you to suck it! Cyrus, you do pretty good work in the cockpit, from what I seen! Nice one, Rick.
What the fuck went down here? Jesus Christ! Tell me you made a lot of money, at least.
- J-Roc? - We made just about That's it? Are you fucking kidding me? Unless you count which I don't 'cause it wasn't real.
That's great, Julian.
How the fuck are we supposed to fix up the motel now for my family? It's a good start, Rick.
Bullshit.
We'll see you in three days, Grace.
I really want to work those tight spots next time aggressively.
I can't wait.
- Donna, we need to talk! - Randy, I'm at work! It's going to have to wait.
You know what? It's not going to wait! I'm sick of you treating me like garbage.
And in front of all these people, too.
I don't deserve it.
I'm not going to stand for it.
- You need to apologize.
- You're right, Randy, - I'm sorry.
- You are? I'm sorry we can't see each other anymore.
We're through! - What? Why? - Right up until now we've been friends with benefits, and now even the benefits suck.
I'm not getting anything out of this.
It's over! Donna, are you okay? Yeah! It actually felt really good.
Oh, Donna, we are so proud of you for being strong enough to say what you really need! Thank you.
And just so you know, my benefits don't suck! I've been told I'm good at doing stuff to people! What a whiny little bitch.
For frig's sakes! This is friggin' bullshit! Friggin' bitchy slut! What the fuck are you doing, Randy? Keep it down.
What's wrong? - What isn't wrong, Bubbles? - Everything's shit! Hey, no liquor in the park.
I've got to confiscate that.
God, just wait now, Randy.
You could you could confiscate it Or you could confiscate it down into your belly.
Let it wash the pain away.
- Come on.
- All right.
Gimme a friggin' drink of this shit.
Randy I've got cups.
Now you've got your mouth-juice all over it.
Wash that pain away.
Check it out, dude.
- Want to hold him? - No, dude.
Come on, just take him.
No, no.
No, no, no.
- I-I can't.
- Yeah, yeah, you can.
Oh hey, dude.
Give him a little fist-pump.
Okay.
Hey Hey.
It's pretty dope, dude.
- Thanks, man.
- Nice job.
I'm an uncle, man.
Ta-dah! I've still got to figure out the water and shit.
- What do you think? - I think it looks pretty fucking amazing.
This is going to make a great nursery.
I was thinking more of a baby's room but, yeah, we could plant some trees in here.
Help the baby's breathing, for sure.
- Do you want to smoke a joint? - Yeah, sure.
- Needs to "christian" the place.
- Look I know I didn't make nearly as much money today at the auction as I hoped for, but this place isn't so bad, man.
- I think we're going to be okay, buddy.
- Me, too.
Fucking Tommy! Ah, son of a co-o-o-ock! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck Fucka.