Trailer Park Boys s09e05 Episode Script

I think this is going to fucking work.
Do you know how to start a car? Uh yeah.
You sure? - Uh-huh.
Totally.
- Okay.
Well, get the fuck in there.
Let's try this.
Okay, turn it over, Jacob.
Jeez.
Give it a bit of gas! Holy fuck, he's stupid.
Jesus fucking Christ, Jacob! Just floor it! Fuckin' yeah! Whoo! Yeah! Power to the peoples! Fucking rights, buddy! Ricky! My dick and my balls are wedged in the cart! Fuck! Well, you know that I'm for real.
Wack MC I ain't.
But I'm a-stay here And a-scrape the paint.
Ah an' scrape the paint.
Scr-scrape the paint What, scrape the paint.
Scr-scrape the paint, huh! - Scrape the paint - Cory.
- Scr-scrape the huh! - Put some muscle into it.
Come on.
Where the fuck is Bubbles, man? - He's supposed to work plumbing.
- I'm sure he'll be here.
That's not good enough.
He needs to be here now! - You're gonna have to go get him.
- Why can't you? - I'm doing this with these guys.
- Why can't I? Hm, let me think.
Maybe 'cause Jacob fucked over the baby's room, I got to deal with that 'cause my family's coming today, and this piece of shit motel is not even close to being ready! Okay, okay, okay, just - Go get him, please! - Relax.
I'll go.
- Thank you.
- J-Roc.
- Hey, what up? - Could you run me over in the party bus? Hey, lie down, bitch.
Ha-ha! I mean to the park.
Oh, too bad.
You guys fucking think this is funny? Lucy is going to freak if there's nowhere for the baby for-to-get washed.
- Rick, calm down.
- I'm trying to calm down, but in case you hadn't noticed, this is a pretty fucking big deal to me, Ju Fuckin' oyster cocks! Do oysters even have - Go get the bus.
- A'ight.
Sorry to call you for something so silly.
I was terrified.
All the sasquatch talk lately, I wondered if one crawled under there and had a baby or something.
No problem, ma'am.
Public safety's part of the job description.
Whatever it is, whoa sure smells like it needs a bath.
Do you think sasquatches smell like balls? What the frig? Oh, Randy! Goddammit! Oh, he's a goddamn mess, and drunk, too! You listen here.
And you listen good! Where did you get the alcohol? Where did you get the alcohol? In your mom's apartment.
Do you think this is a joke, soldier? I will ask you one more time.
Where did you get the liquor? Your mom wants me to liquor liquor all over.
Randy! Frig off, Donna! You dumped me, remember? You don't get to say a goddamn thing! Ow You will not disrespect a woman.
Not on my watch! You have violated park rules, not to mention officer code conduct! Give him another slap.
I am confiscating your walkie, soldier.
And you are banished from this park.
What, forever? Until the alcohol leaves your system.
Ah! That's 48 hours! Argh! Frig off! - Goodness.
- Allow me to escort you.
If you have any more trouble, ma'am, don't hesitate to call.
Have a nice day.
Let's go, fat boy! Argh! Frig off! You're hurting my bum! All right, Willy.
Let's go get our family.
Do you want a hit off that first? Nice.
Let's go, little buddy.
I know it's good hash.
No, no, no.
I don't fucking think so.
What's going on here? Ricky, we talked about this.
Yeah, we did.
And you said if I get everything the baby needs, you'd come and live with me at the motel.
So come get in my car.
You guys are coming with me.
That's your car seat? What the fuck else do you think it is, dick lunch? Ricky, don't make it any harder than it already is.
That, to me, does not look safe.
It looks safe to me.
- Trin - My baby, my choice.
We're going with Dad.
Can you grab my bag, Dad? Fucking right, I can.
Let's go, George.
Give me the fucking bag.
Give him the fucking bag.
Do it.
I know this is hard.
I'll let you borrow Willy for a couple hours, okay? Go have a beer.
He likes potato chips and green grapes with the crunchy things in the middle.
And he just pissed himself, so clean that up.
Whoa.
Where are you going? On the grind.
I've got a bunch of regulars today.
I got to get them from A to B, know what I mean? No, you can't just leave.
There's a bunch of people who have asked for you specifically.
- For your mystic fingers.
- For real? Who? I don't know, Flo, Gladys, Vicky, Christine Sheila.
Look, you make these ladies feel a way they haven't felt in years.
You take these clients today and I'll pay you in cash at the end of the day with a huge raise.
And it's going to be way more than you make driving that taxi.
- What the fuck is that? - It's a hand exerciser, and you're going to need it.
Yo, what's up, man? What you doing here? What's with all the questions? I got questions, too.
What happened to our friendship? Why you dressed like Gordon from.
Sesame Street, know what I mean? Why don't you axe her? She the one who called me.
J-Roc is going to do your runs today, T.
What? You got your party bus with you? It's down at the gizzate.
Had to park it down there on account of that army mafk.
So you don't mind doing my runs, you mean? No, why would I mind doing you another favor, bitch? You cornered the market on taxi, know what I mean, when there's a party bus driving around empty whose back you got? I always got your back, dawg.
You know what it is.
Dem old hoes' backs you got these days, dawg.
Ray, that's some list.
Won't be cheap, but I got you.
Other hand, sayin'? Huhh! How's it going, Bubbs? I'm busy, Julian.
Are you forgetting about something? I didn't forget to get fucking wasted last night.
Me and Randy crushed a 40-ouncer that I had for you.
Bubbs, you're supposed to be at the motel right now fixing the plumbing.
Oh, slippery whore! I fucking totally forgot, Julian.
Well, you better get your shit together, bud.
I can't.
I can't do it today.
I've got Taco Tuesdays happening.
It's Thursday.
I know, but the old people don't know that.
They're fucking right out of it.
This is my busiest day, Julian.
I've got to make money.
I've got payments due to Eons and to Barb and if fucking people would pay me back, I wouldn't be in this situation.
Listen, the baby can't move into the motel until you've fixed the plumbing.
So you're not doing this for me, you're not doing this for Ricky, you're doing it for the baby.
All right, I'll fix the fucking plumbing on one condition.
What's that? Try to speak some Spanish.
The old people love it.
Are you fucking kidding me? Attention, people! El Sexico will take care of all your taco needs! Step right up! This is where your gram-dad grew up.
And your great gram-dad.
Wait, can you even understand what I'm saying? Probably not, huh? Well, maybe you can.
Who fucking knows? Anyway, we used to live here until two dicks decided it was o-dumb o'clock on their fucking stupid army watches! You can both fuck off! Okay, hold on, Marguerite-o.
You wanted mucho salsa, right? No-o-o.
I said no onion, extra guac.
Can't you get that through your thick chest, you fucking yo-yo? Oh, for Christ's sake, we look forward to Taco Tuesday every week.
It's all we've got.
Don't fuck it up, El Sexico.
Jesus Christ, I'm fucking trying here, okay? - Pfft.
- Go take a seat.
I'll call you when it's ready.
Everyone take a fucking seat.
I'll call you! Jesus Christ.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
What do you want? This morning I found Randy drunk under a porch.
Where did he get the liquor, Julian? I couldn't tell you and I don't give a flying fuck, okay? Your brand, isn't it? You know what? Fuck this, I'm closed.
I don't know where the rum came from and I can't make fucking tacos! What did you re-fry these beans in? Shit? Why don't you go fuck yourself? Make your own beans, Larry.
Way to fuck us all, Dicko! Oh, that's real lady-like.
Why don't you go make a fucking appointment with Donna and relax? El Boo-o! El Boo-o! El Boo-o! El Boo-o! It's hard to get around the corners with this.
How's this, Bubbles? Jesus Christ, Cory! I'm in charge of getting a shower put in here for the baby and for the family to use.
So it was pretty easy.
I took a piece of rain-pipe, you know, like that, and I fed it out through the wall and hooked it into the main gutter system.
And it's just going to collect rainwater, nice fresh rainwater.
And it'll all collect and then when it's time for a shower, I'll have a thing on here and you give her a pull and you've got a nice clean shower.
It's going to work fucking great.
Cory! What? You stupid son of a whore! What's up, dude? I thought I told you to clean out the gutters? I did.
I got, like, three bags.
What's a gutter, Cory? A ditch? Stupid bastard.
Your chariot awaits, tighties.
Sayin'.
What's up, LaToniona? Hey, there's secrets.
Y'all remember that? Be careful with that precious cargo, know what I mean? J-Roc, man, I thought you said this was going to be a quick pick-up.
It takes how long it takes, dawg.
I've got shit to do, man.
- You've got to relax, Bixby.
- All right.
Why you so worried about time, anyway, you know? Only time I'm concerned with is having a good one.
Oh, fuck.
Randy.
Guys! Wassup, Gut-tanamo Bay? Guys, can I get on the bus? I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I'm frigging starving.
Don't look starvin' on my eyes.
Not a fucking chance, Randy.
Unless you got cover charge for two.
For two? You and that gut, know'm sayin'? A'ight! Get drinkin', Gaybraham Lincoln! - The fuck did you do? - Here you go.
Making money.
Sayin'? - All right.
- You have to relax, dawg! Hey, welcome home, baby Ray! Bubbles, shut the fuck up! He's sleeping! - Oh.
- Hey, Bubbles.
Hey, Trin.
Ricky Watch it, Ricky.
Ricky, wa you're going to hook him like a tuna.
Check him out.
You wait till you see this fucking baby's room.
It's going to be a nursery, too.
Fresh baby! This is where you're going to be sleeping, baby Ray.
Check out this fucking mobile I made you.
Isn't that fucking dope? Yeah, look, I made a rain-shower.
Look at this.
Look at this how she works.
Oh Does it have hot water as well? No hot water.
Hot water burn baby.
Get it? Rain Man.
He was fucked.
So what do you think? It's, um It's It's awesome, Dad.
Thank you so much.
You put so much work into this.
You're welcome, Trin.
I'm just so fucking glad to have my family back.
You too, Jacob.
Fuck's sakes! Oh, you finally decided to get your own girlfriend, did you, George, instead of banging other people's? You must be completely fucked in the head to be dating officer fucking-ding-dong-French-fry-cock.
I'm not interested in discussing my personal life.
No? Where is The Motel? Holy fuck.
Well, at least you picked someone your own brain-size, George.
It's right in front of you! I mean the baby.
"The Motel.
" The motel? Am I missing something here? "Lead" my lips.
It's right in front of you.
What baby motel? You tell me.
It says right here on the birth certificate under "Name: The Motel".
Oh, Jacob, you really fucked this up! Under address you wrote "Ray".
Right.
And under baby's name "The Motel.
" So my gramson's name is The fucking Motel? No, Ricky, just The Motel.
Did I ever fuck that up, eh, Ricky? You know what? I'm actually almost proud of what a big fuck-up that was! Un-fucking-believable.
I don't know.
The Motel.
It's kind of cute.
Yeah, we'll just call him Moe.
I don't care what the baby's name is.
It's just my job to determine whether or not he can live here.
What the fuck does that suppose to mean? Good thing I knew where you guys lived.
Otherwise Karen would've never been able to find you.
Ricky.
Ricky, it's not worth it.
That was a prick job.
That was a prick job.
This is bullshit! It's obviously a work-in-process but you should've seen how fucked it was before.
It was a complete shithole before we fixed it up.
Pretty good, huh? Look I know how much you want The Motel to live here, but you have to understand this is my job.
I mean, I just can't, in good conscience, let a baby grow up here.
No, it's okay.
For fuck's sakes! Jacob, will you go start the car again? A baby needs a stable environment.
I had a stable for an environment, but Lucy said a barn wasn't good enough either.
So what is good enough? See? I'm sorry.
Really, I am, but we're going to have to find another home for Trinity and The Motel.
Even if it's just temporarily.
Fuck my ass and my mouth and my tits.
You have to let them stay here, please.
Hey, stop! Look, have I fucked up my life? Big time, pretty much every day.
But I love my little gramson, and there's a lot of people here that can help for-to-get him raised.
We don't have much but we have each other.
That's not nothing.
What's more important than a little fucking child growing up with his fucking family? Please Please don't do this.
Hey, hit me on the hip, Tighty, you know'm sayin'? Dang, gimme some of that fried chicken.
What's crackin', Tighty? Turn that shit off so I can talk to this fucking nice lady! Look, George has kindly offered to let Trinity and The Motel stay at his place for the time being.
You know him.
You can visit there.
It's not such a bad option.
Do I have a fucking choice here? Dad, we should just do what the fancy government lady says.
You'll figure it out and we'll be together soon.
Sorry, dude.
Got your goat, Rick.
Hey, Willy.
It's for the best.
You know what would really be for the best, George? If you would fuck the fuck off! What's going on? The Motel can't live at the motel.
What? Uh, through a series of unfortunate events, it seems that the baby's legal name is The Motel.
That lady is from Social Services, said he can't live here.
At the motel? Correct.
Hey, T, how's it going? It's tiring, man.
Them old hoes demand a lot of attention, sayin'? And I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
That's your cut for this week.
So maybe it's time for you to retire from T's AXI, because we are making mad skrilla, T.
Hm-m-m.
Feelin' better already.
Leslie Barb and I we really appreciate what you're doing here.
We do.
Just doing my job, Jim.
Not for praise but for personal satisfaction.
Ah I was wondering, uh if perhaps you were being a bit too hard on Randy today.
I mean We've known him for years.
He's harmless.
Absolutely not.
Are you calling into question my ability to run a military operation? Oh, no, of course not, Leslie, but this isn't a military operation, I We just want people in the park to feel happy and safe and secure Bullshit! That is absolute and utter bull-shit! Do you know the quickest way to lose a war? By being soft.
And, in this case, being soft is allowing one tiny drop of alcohol the size of an ant's rectum into this Godforsaken park! I'll never forget what happened in Wonju.
The only way out was to drink ourselves out.
And drink we did.
For four days and six nights straight.
I drank my weight in filthy, warm liquor.
But I did not complain.
Not once.
Hey, soldier.
I brought you some of my famous meat pie.
Just as a way of saying thanks for coming to my rescue earlier.
Do you want a piece of this? Sure, yeah.
Dang, I don't remember ordering you on angel.
com.
You don't recognize me, do you, J-Roc? Give a mahfucker a minute right quick, it'll come back.
I thought you should meet Mitch.
Hey, what up, Mitch? Don't call me Mitch, bitch! Mitch, this is your father, Jamie.
- This mayonnaise-colored mahfucka? - Hey! Hell, no! He wants to be a rapper just like his daddy.
Anyway, good luck, Jamie.
I'm outta here.
Hey, where you goin'? To Ontario to get on a reality show.
It's my turn now, baby.
Gotta chase my dream.
I love you, baby.
Peace! Dang, Mitch, yo mamma got dumps like a truck! So what's poppin' you, man? I think I saw you rappin' at the park.
Your game was tight.
Good for you, Casper the Friendly Mahfucka.
'Scuse, bitch.
Hey! What up, cuz? I'm MC Flurry, y'all.
What up, dawg? Wha? Isn't fire freaky, Ricky? Especially when you're baked.
Get 'em in you, boys.
Nice.
I hope there's a lot more of this shit.
Don't worry, Rick.
I'm going to figure all this bullshit out, buddy.
I don't know, Julian.
That government lady made it seem like this place was way more fucky than we thought it was.
And the more thinkings I have about it, I don't know if I want The Motel to grow up in a greasy storage motel.
I want him to grow up somewhere awesome where people just like to fucking chill and party.
Yeah, somewhere like Sunnyvale, for instance.
At least we knew what we were dealing with there.
I want The Motel to have this awesome childhood like we did, you know, skipping school, smashing windows with pellet guns, fucking getting drunk.
Just having a good time.
Boys, I've got to tell you something.
Okay, well, fucking spit it out.
Did you guys actually think that I want to live in that greasy, fucking rat-infested shithole? Fuck that.
What are you talking about? Then why are we working so hard to fix the fucking thing? So we can get the park back.
That's been part of my plan the whole time, man.
- What? - Yeah! Julian, I consider myself a pretty smart guy.
I don't have a baker's fuck of an idea what you're talking about.
Reverse psychology.
The best way to get back the park is to pretend like we don't give a fuck about the park.
Trust me, boys.
The only reason why I didn't tell you guys is because I was worried Ricky was going to fuck it all up.
No offense, bud.
None taken.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me about it? I don't fuck up every single thing I try to do.
- No offense, Ricky.
- I'm good.
Because you're too honest, Bubbs.
You eventually would have told Ricky what's going on and he definitely would've fucked everything up.
- No offense again, bud.
- I'm cool.
Look, if you're serious about getting the park back, I will do whatever the fuck it takes, Julian.
Oh, my fuck! Me, too! You serious? I couldn't figure out why the fuck you guys were just deserting me there.
It didn't make sense.
This is awesome! To reverse psychology, boys.
To reverse psychology.
To whatever you guys said.
This is fucking awesome! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck Fucka.