Trailer Park Boys s09e06 Episode Script

Pull over right here.
You ain't rolling me up to school in this big hunk of lame bullwack.
It ain't lame bullwack, dawg.
This vehicle's dope, know I mean? Y'all's lucky to be getting a ride to school with your candies.
- T's ride, that shit's slamming.
- Yeah! You should be gettin' that dope-ass mahfucka - deliverin' me to school, bitch.
- Huh! - Don't call me bitch, know'm sayin'? - Bitch.
- You are a bitch.
- I ain't a bitch.
- Let me tell y'all somethin' right quick.
- Bitch.
T ain't your dad.
That's why I'm driving y'all, a'ight? It's a dad's responsibility to drive mahfuckers to school and pack their lunch.
A'ight? All five food groups, dawg.
Sayin'? Plus an extra butterscotch pudding for a ma'fk.
Sayin'? - What the fuck is this? Crust? - Hell, no! I can't be taking this shit to school with crust on it.
Mahfuckas be teasing me.
Hey, I'm goin' to tell you something right quick.
There's mahfuckas in the homeland be starving to have them crusts, a'ight? You think the crust would make the trip across the ocean, bitch? Have a good day, a'ight? I love you.
Me have good day looking at my teacher's tight ba-donk-ka-donk.
Ohhhh! Hey, wait up, right quick.
How tight is that shit? Hhhhuuhhhh? H-raa! All right, boys, listen up.
Listen up, guys.
I want to launch a three-prong attack, okay? Number one, and this is the most important one, we got to get Lahey back on the booze.
Ha-ha! Yeah, okay! Listen to me.
We can beat him.
He just has to be wasted.
Number two, we have to devalue Sunnyvale, okay? So we can get it for the best price we possibly can.
And, guys, I want you to put some thought into that.
We've got to fuck Sunnyvale over.
That just sound like fun, Julian.
Right? Huh? Number three, we have to increase the value of this place, which means we're going to fix it up a bit and then flip it for a profit.
- Any questions? - Yeah, I got a question.
Lahey's been sober for six months.
How do you plan on getting him back on liquor? You think that through, Brainium? That was my one question.
It's going to be easy! We're going to catch Lahey in a liquor trap.
You're not catching Mr.
Lahey in a liquor trap.
I've been working on our relationship, and that'll just frig everything up.
Hey, Rocpile, look who's out of hibernation.
It's the cheeseburger chipmunk.
He's storing gut nuts in the belly tree! Very funny, J-Roc.
You're not getting Mr.
Lahey back on the liquor, end of discussion! You don't fucking talk to us Ricky! Ricky! - Just wait.
- Fucking Jesus! Randy, let's just think about this logically for a second.
Anytime you and Mr.
Lahey were having fun, - what were you doing? - Eating and drinking and not frigging caring about stuff.
No, drinking.
That's the key word, right there.
Think about it.
Anytime you guys were doing stuff, - you were always on the liquor.
- Yeah.
We never did anything fun when we were sober.
Exactly.
You want him on the liquor, Randy.
Wasted, we had all kinds of fun.
All right, frig it! Let's get him back on the liquor.
I'm in! All right.
Thank you for joining the team, Randy.
Here's what's happening.
I've got a van-load of liquor going into Sunnyvale.
You just have to make sure that Lahey confiscates the liquor after it passes the gate.
Leslie's not going to let it past the gate.
That's where Ricky comes in.
Ricky, you're going to cause some kind of distraction, okay? We're going to make sure the colonel's away from the gate, or else we're fucked.
- Are you cool? - Fuck, yeah.
- Right on.
- Down.
Set.
- Gut.
- J-Roc! Get them paws up, chipmunk! When Julian asked me to be in charge of the distraction, my minds started racing against each other.
Guns, liquor, and dope.
This is going to be fucking fun! Cory, I'm leaving you in charge of painting the front of this place.
It needs better curb appeal.
Cool, man.
You mean just me, or me and Jacob? Just you.
I need Jacob for something else.
- Ricky, what's going on? - No talking, Jacob.
Okay, how many rooms do you need, and how long do you need them for? - Ten and no more than a week, tops.
- Okay, that works.
- All right, let's do this, man.
- Thanks, man.
Jacob.
Last night I maked a really important decision.
I smoked an extreme amount of hash, and something occurred to me.
Here our family is with, you know, no money and no real place to live.
It's mostly because you're not that smart, you can't keep a job.
Also because I'm not growing dope.
And you and especially Lucy and Trin have been begging me pretty much to get back into growing for the family.
But that could mean jail.
But if I teach you how to grow and you do all the work, that's not illegal for me.
Do you see what I'm saying? Fuck, yeah! We can do this, Jacob.
And we can make a ton of money.
There's a shitload of fucking hydroponics, tables, and lights down in room 14.
I want you to set those up in some of the empty rooms, okay? Two tables per room, two lights per table.
Can you do that? Yeah, I think so! Thanks, Dad.
Fuck off the dad shit, you and Trin aren't married.
Great! Thanks, man.
How many you got there? That's Shit! Lahey! Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut the door! Shut the fucking door! You hide this.
You take a fucking sip, I'll kill you.
- Julian! - Hey, guys.
- How are you doing? - Good.
Hi, boys.
Nice place you got here.
- Thank you.
- It's wonderful.
Maybe maybe we've got a great offer for you.
Give you a couple extra bucks to clean the place out.
Right on.
What are you talking about? - Barb? - Ah, well, we wanted to come and see you in person, Julian.
There's, uh, there's a company that is interested in buying the park! Another one? Wow, that's exciting news for you guys.
But I don't know if I can part with my shares.
Julian, I admit the first offer was kinda not real, but this one is legitimate.
It's from a lawyer.
It's bona fide.
Yeah, so so just before you say no, take a look.
And, uh, it's a contingent offer, but it's pending an independent appraisal of the park.
But it is real.
It looks like a low-ball offer to me.
- Well - But I'll think about it.
- You will? - Yeah.
- You guys are my partners! - Oh, great.
- That's all we're asking, Julian.
- Okay, all right.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
Hey, no problem.
Well, it's good to see you guys.
Thanks for dropping by.
Okay.
See ya.
Safe drive back to the park.
Hey, Barb, can I get a ride back to the park with you? I think one night's suspension is enough, don't you, Mr.
Lahey? Sure, Randy.
I think we can consider it as time served.
Everybody makes mistakes.
What the fuck are you talking about? You're going to consider the offer? I thought we were buying the fucking park.
What about the three-pronged mahfuckin' attack, mahfucker? Everybody calm down.
Fuck this company.
All we've got to do is stick to what we talked about.
Get him back on the booze, Sunnyvale will be ours.
- Okay.
- All right, back to work, guys.
Back to work Ah, fuck! How many was there? Jesus Christ, I didn't write it down.
I think this calls for a special celebration.
Julian hasn't said yes yet, Jim.
I don't see any checks in front of us.
Okay, fine, but you can still let me do something nice for you.
Let me surprise you.
Oh, I don't know.
Oh my God, Barb, are you going to make him beg? Jesus.
Randy! Barb can be such a bitch sometimes! If Mr.
Lahey was going to surprise me, I'd say yes in a heartbeat.
Pisses me off! Friggin' carbs! Fuck! Ah, okay, fine.
What the hell! Do what you want, Jim.
Looking forward to it.
Now, get out! I'm going to go have lunch with Donna and Sarah.
Tonight could be a very special night.
Oh, we'll see! Bye, boys.
Whoa! Where do you think you're going, soldier? Your suspension is still active.
I frigged up and got drunk.
I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you are.
Gentlemen.
I've fought in seven wars, six of which we won.
You want to know how, son? Discipline.
You ever been to war, apart from Operation Dessert Storm? No, I haven't been to goddamn war, and discipline can suck it.
I have worked in this trailer park for most of my life, and I'm not going to stand by anymore while some military exaggerator waltzes in here and bosses me around.
Now frig off! You watch your tone with me, civilian! You are out of line! Now, you will do your suspension like a man, or you will face a dishonorable discharge from this battalion.
Let's just cool our jets.
I think we made our point to Randers about the whole liquor thing.
We're going to let him in.
Jim You're undermining my authority.
Let's not forget who owns the park and who's paying your salary.
Okay, colonel? Thanks, Mr.
Lahey.
- Who wants liquor and dope? - Ricky! Yee-fuckin'-haa! Whoo! Who wants liquor and dope? They've had you guys caged up too long! Let's get fucked up! Anybody here good at rolling? - I can roll a mean fucking joint.
- Right on.
Who wants to do some body-shots? I've got Liquorman's whiskey.
Mr.
Lahey, what if this is just some sort of classic distraction scenario to get us all to leave the gate? Distraction scenario! That's enemy gunfire, you moron! Double time! Let's get this fuckin' party goin'.
On the ground, Richard! - Freeze! - Fuck off.
And the rest of you, put down the drugs and the alcohol, or face eviction.
I'm not getting on the ground, shit-maggot.
I'm just trying to show these locked-up people a good fucking time.
How do you keep breaching this secure location? This time I actually floated in on a magic carpet.
Oh? You have seven seconds to vacate this position, or I will have no choice but to open fire on you.
You have seven seconds to tongue my fucking nuts.
What are you going to do? Shoot me in front of all these "witlesses"? Give me a fucking break! Rubber bullets.
Seven, six, five, four Ahh, fuck! - Three - Are you out of your fucking mind? Two Don't shoot me, you cocksu Aaah! One! Fucking lunatic! Fuck! Ahhh! My fucking cock! Something's not right here, Randers.
The smell of shit is in the air.
You were right.
This is a distraction scenario.
To the gate! Come on! It's true.
Thank you.
Mm-mm No, I have to go! No, you have to stay.
You need to loosen up.
The party's just getting started.
We can't drink back at the park.
I know, but Jim's got something planned, and I said I would okay.
All right.
But before I go, a toast to us.
Whatever you've been doing at the spa, just keep it up.
- Cheers! - Cheers.
Oh, my sweet tits! I won! Oh, yeah, you did.
Oh-ho-ho! Oh, my God! - Party's on, girls! - Oh, my God! Looks like you're not going anywhere.
Okay, but just one.
Oh! Fuck! Goddammit! How does Ricky do this by himself? Fuck! Hey, man.
Hey, dude, how's the table? Fuck, not good.
How's the painting going? - Well - Looks like the wrong color.
It's terrible, man.
I'm good with a brush, man.
This sucks.
If I had a brush, I could cut in, but it would take me two weeks to do the whole place.
Too bad I'm busy with the tables.
I'm actually pretty good with the roller.
Are you serious, dude? What are the chances? We should switch jobs.
- Wait.
- We can help each other.
Yeah, man.
That way we can hang out And get both jobs done faster and easier.
- Man, that's the best, dude.
- Yeah! - Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Want to get some food first? - Yeah, I do.
Stealth mode initiated.
There's Tubby and Drunky-to-be right there.
Let's see this delivery paperwork, s'il vous plaît? Are you a cop? Because you don't look like a cop.
"Trevor Lahey".
Exit the vehicle and open the back, please.
Oh, this place is fucked.
Well, well, well.
Bingo, Randingo.
Come on, you drunk bastard, just take a drink.
Shitstick on a pig! He's just been a greasy recidivist.
Holy frig, Mr.
Lahey, that's a lot of liquor! What should we do? Come on, drink it, you fucking drunk! We're going to pour it out.
Give me a hand with this, turdhead, and we won't call the cops in on this.
I assume that wasn't part of your plan, Julian.
Fuck! He's an awful lot stronger than I thought he'd be.
What's Plan B? What a fucking disaster! Of epic proportions.
Mr.
Lahey, maybe this isn't the smartest thing to do.
Shouldn't we be confiscating this? I mean, that's a lot of liquor.
I guarantee you, Julian will do whatever it takes to get it back.
You could use it as leverage to make him accept the offer on the park.
Genius, Randy.
Listen up.
I want you to offload all of this shit at my trailer.
- You got that? - Whatever you say, not-cop.
There's no safer place than your place for the liquor.
Right, Mr.
Lahey? Right, Randy.
Not too shabby, Randingo.
Looks like our work here is done, bud.
Yeah.
Now we just have to wait for the Trojan Liquor Horse to spill its sweet liquory load down Lahey's throat.
Damn it! Fuck, those hurt! Fucking asshole! Phantom come alive in the night-time I spit freestyle I don't have to write rhymes I go unrehearsed I spit a killer verse.
When it comes to y'all rhymes Yeah, they're the worst - I'm so cocky, yeah I brush it - A'ight.
Man, what the fuck are you doin'? We were rhymin', flowin' like mahfuckas! A'ight, it was tight, you know I mean? But it's time to go inside and brush your teeths, dawg.
Ain't my bedtime yet, and only bitches and sissies brush their teeth more than once a day.
Can I tell you something right quick? I'm sick as fuck of this attitude, little ma'fk.
I ain't give a fuck how big you are, dawg.
I'm-a step to you, you know'm sayin', if you don't fly the fuck up on that party bus and brush them shits, dawg.
- I ain't shook.
- You know what? Maybe you should be shook.
Brush them sluts! Yo, J, chill, chill, chill, man.
Yo, little man, it's getting late, and I'm going to bed too soon.
You know I mean, just go up in there and brush your teeth, you know I mean? You know the ladies love homies with white teeths.
A'ight, T.
Only 'cause you said so, not Ice-Ice-Maybe.
No need to be mean.
You're whack, man.
Oh, my Christ, that little mahfucker's hard as fuck! It's hard being a dad to someone who's harder than you.
Ya, man, it's all good, though.
Don't worry.
You guys barely know each other, you know I mean? You're tight, and he's tight.
Just give it a minute, and you guys start clicking, believe me.
It's just hard, that's all.
But I appreciate that y'all sluts got my back.
Man.
Fuck, it's hard! Good night, T.
Rocpile.
Night, Walter White.
- See? What'd I tell you? - Baby steps.
He didn't call me "bitch".
He didn't call me "bitch"! That's a victory, ain't it? I'm saying.
You've got to start somewheres.
I'm gonna tuck that mahfucker in he bunk.
You best be in your jammies, huh! I am.
Holy fuck! I haven't had this much fun in years! What do you say we get in the hot tub and pop this? Yeah, I'm totally down.
I am in no state to drive.
Well, pop that shit up, then, bitch! All right.
Hello? Oh, shush! He's answered! Barb? Is that you? Yeah, hi, Jim.
I hope you're ready for romance.
Oh, well, actually we have a little bit of a situation here.
- Is that Leslie? - Shush, shush, shush! - What sort of a situation? - Well, you know I went to lunch with Donna and the girl.
Well, Donna won a whole bunch of money gambling, and it sort of went from there.
You sound drunk.
Oh, I had one well, a few.
But none of us wanted to drive, so Donna has rented a room to be safe.
And guess who's not getting banged tonight, Lahey: You! - Sorry! - So, when can I expect you home? Oh, I-I-I'm going to stay here tonight.
I hope you didn't go to too much trouble, but I will make it up to you tomorrow, I promise.
It's not the end of the world.
I gotta piss real fucking bad.
I hope you have a good night, Barb.
Fuck.
A'ight, speed round: - Betty or Wilma? - Wilma.
- Betty or Veronica? - Veronica.
- Jem or the Holograms? - The Misfits.
Great! What's going on, boys? Rick, Christ, ma'fk, what's going on with your arm? Colonel Leslie, the Fuck-dick, has a rubber bullet shotgun now.
- Oh, my fuck! - That's good fucking times.
- Y'a'ight? - Yeah, I'm all right.
The good news is, boys, phase one is complete.
The liquor's in Lahey's trailer.
Bam! Even better news, dawg.
Phase two is about to dr-r-rop.
Mow-Em-$ayin', our brand new landscape company.
Here's what we do, y'all.
Get clients up in the park, then we fuck with they grass, know'm sayin'? We fuck with they bushes! We fuck with they flowers! Br-r-rap, park! Fuck! Mow-Em-sayin'? Nice work, boys.
I love it.
Wassup, dude? Cory, you're supposed to be painting the motel, not your fucking shirt.
What happened? Oh, sorry, dude, the day got away on us.
- I was counting on you.
- I know.
I was counting on me, too, but You're fucking useless, man.
It's kind of my fault too, Julian.
We thought if we teamed up together, we'd be able to get more done but Sorry, dude.
Can I show you what we were working on though, Ricky? This should be fucking good.
And I said white paint, dummy.
Hey, Misfits or Power Rangers? Misfits.
Power Rangers or Ninja Turtles? I ain't banging no Ninja Turtles.
Holy fucking tiger balls! Me and Cory set up ten of these.
You even got the clones? Yeah, man, we knew you were busy, so Jacob went to your buddy Reggie's and picked stuff up, and I wired up the lights.
The two of us'll have the front of the motel painted tomorrow.
Yeah, Julian, look, please don't be mad, man.
It's just we work really good together, and I think we're an awesome team.
Mad? Boys, this is fucking amazing.
Yeah, like I'm fucking speakless right now.
You two work together from now on.
Put your hands up.
I'm fucking proud of you guys.
So am I.
Thanks, dude.
All right, let's all have some drinks, boys.
Great fucking job! Good work, man.
Elbows.
Yeah! - Let's get some drinks.
- This is awesome, dude.
Mr.
Lahey Wow! This looks beautiful.
Am I interrupting something? Not anymore.
Unless you're hungry or thirsty.
I'm starving and thirsty.
What happened to the love of your life, Barb? She's out with Donna and Sarah.
They're getting drunk.
That sounds like fun.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck Fucka.