Trailer Park Boys s09e07 Episode Script

Piss

- Thank you, Tyrone.
- No problem, Ms.
Lahey.
I got you.
Jim! Oh my God! Hey, Barb.
How was the girls' night? What's the matter? Oh Randy and I were just practicing for a play in the bl Sorry, Barb.
Things got a little out of hand.
A little out of hand? Oh, my God! And to think that I was going to sleep with you again! Look, I'm ready when you are, Barb.
Oh, my God! You said that it was over between you and Randy! See you later, Mr.
Lahey.
Well, needless to say, we're done, Jim Lahey! Well I guess this calls for a little drinkie-poo.
Lahey, Lahey Crockett King of the wild frontier Ah! Whoo! You guys all set? Mow-Em-$ayin's up and rolling, Jules, y'know I mean? We got lawn mahfuckers, we got whizziper-snizzipers to fuck over the flowers in the park, y'know m'sayin'? And check it out, dawg.
We even got hard tack to look like hard crack, huh! Crack? This shit don't look like crack.
Have you ever even seen crack? Fuckin' rights, I seen crack.
When I was in the joint, that's what's real.
You been to jail, white boy? Fuckin' rights.
Three times, my man.
Last time was for assaulting a police officer, too.
Huh.
Oh, shit.
You beat up a Five-O for real? Uh-huh.
Mahfucker stepped to me, you know I mean? What was I supposed to dizzoo? In that moment I was, like I can try to run for my lice or I could b-bap.
So that's what I did and he went down flat on he back.
I took the mahfucker out.
He must be still in the hospital.
He is, man.
But for different reasons.
He has some personal issue.
But the point is, I didn't want to tell you, dawg.
You know why? I don't want you to copy my lice.
I want you to have your own lice.
That's why I want you to do as I si-zay, not as I di-zoo, dawg.
And that's what's up.
Don't worry, I won't do that shit.
All right, we gotta roll, you guys.
- A'ight.
You ready, fam? - Yeah.
Collect your crack, put it in the baggy.
The rest, we'll leave these mints as a treat for when we get back, a'ight? Maybe we'll go through drive-thru - and get a slushie on our way.
- Yeah.
Don't forget your crack.
And remember what I said.
Five-O step to you, you talkin' about, "I found it on the ground, I'm lookin' for a public trash to put it in.
" - A'ight? - Yeah! Nice fucking work, Jacob, man! You're really starting to get like Hank at this.
Who's Hank? I don't fucking know him personally, dummy.
He's the guy they talk about when you get good at something.
Anyway, man, good job.
This is fucking awesome.
It feels good not to be breaking the law anymore.
- You're such a great granddad, Ricky.
- Thanks, man.
- Hey, Ricky.
- Hey.
Look, man, that appraiser's coming to Sunnyvale today, so we've got to make sure that inspection doesn't go well.
I'm going to need you to help J-Roc fuck over the park.
I can't go to the fucking park today.
I'm supervising Jacob.
He needs me.
You know how fucking dumb he is.
No offense, Jacob.
All right, it's not a big deal, I guess, you know.
It's probably not going to be that big of a deal for you to tell Lucy that it was all your fault.
What was my fucking fault? That the park was sold to some company because you couldn't come up with a way to fucking scare the appraiser off.
Like fuck I can't.
That's a fucking joke.
I can do that.
All right, then.
Good.
Okay, so I can do whatever the fuck I want? Just don't go too fucking crazy.
Julian, could I have a little word with you? Is everything okay? Uh.
It's, um It's Jim.
Apparently, he got drunk last night and apparently he and Randy That's horrible.
That's awful, Barb.
I'm real sorry to hear it.
Ah, It's fine.
It's fine, I'm fine.
It's good, actually.
Um, it's just I could use your help showing the park to the appraiser today.
Can you can you can you do that, Julian? I'd love to, but I've got way too much shit to do here, Barb.
Oh, Julian, please.
I really need this deal to go through.
I'm done with Sunnyvale.
Please, Julian.
All right, for you.
I'll help you out.
But just one condition.
- This comes in with me.
- Oh, thank you! Everything will be okay.
Okay.
How much How much longer, for Christ's sake, Bubbles? It's not going to be much longer now.
Just make sure you've got your money out, everybody.
I could eat the arse out of a goddamn skunk! Jesus Christ, it's a lunch buffet.
It's going to be ready at lunch.
I've got a big, dirty buffet happening today.
It's coming down to the fucking wire with Eon's.
I've got to make a payment on that shed and the furniture and all the shit I bought or I'm going to fucking lose everything.
Larry, put the fucking chips down! Sorry I'm late.
I overslept.
constitute "overslept".
Three hours is direct insubordination, soldier.
I'm not a frigging soldier.
I'm an assistant trailer park supervisor.
Why do you smell of liquor? Did you bring alcohol into this park again, soldier? No, I didn't bring alcohol in this park.
And my name is Randy, you frigging jerk.
I want my walkie back.
You had no right to take it, Leslie.
It's my personal walkie.
You will address me as "Colonel"! I did not do four tours of duty in the Gulf to be disrespected by some hairy-assed bowling ball.
Four tours? I thought you told Mr.
Lahey you only did two.
You know the drill, Julian.
Ditch the drink.
Leslie, why are you dressed like that? I've got appraisers coming to look at the park today and I want them to see it as warm and inviting, not a bloody army base.
With all due respect, a rule is a rule.
Well, with all due respect, Leslie, are you an employee of this park or not? My mission is to maintain You're not on a mission.
You were hired to do two simple tasks, one of which was to keep Jim Lahey sober, which you failed at miserably because he got drunk last night.
Drunk? Yes! Some would say wasted! And made some bad life choices! So would you please go over to Jim's trailer and keep him there, and let the adults take care of the park.
Open the goddamn gate! Cheers.
Close the goddamn gate! Goddammit! I'm in charge of fucking over the park when it get appraisalled today and, as luck would have it, it's piss-jug season.
I've done more community service than anyone and over the years I've figured out the scientifics of it.
Truckers grab coffee in Moncton but don't have time to rock a piss and three hours later, they're coming through here and they can't hold it.
My old man used to call it Piss-Jug Alley.
Dude, look what I found.
No fucking way! This came out of the old man.
Looks like he was fucking drinking, too.
Yeah.
Home-made fucking wine.
Good find, Cory.
The old man's fucking piss.
Neapolitan Charlie, that's not for fucking with.
Jesus.
Hey, Bubbs.
Julian, check out the line-up.
A couple more hours like this, I'll be able to squeak by for a few more weeks.
Look, buddy, you've got to wrap this up as soon as possible.
There's going to be some shit going down soon.
What? What kind of shit? I don't know exactly but Ricky's coming by to do some stuff.
What the fuck are you talking about? What kind of stuff? Hello, Mister, uh? Pencock, Ron.
Ah, Mr.
Pencock.
Well, I am Barb Lahey and welcome to, uh, to Sunnyvale Villas.
I'm so glad that you could be with us here today.
Nice to meet you, darlin'.
You must be Jim.
No, I'm Julian.
Ah, yeah, this is Julian.
He's one of the shareholders here at the park.
And who do we have here? So where would you like to begin first? Oh, the best thing would probably be to Oh, bottle kids! Get going, you little bastards! I am so sorry, Mr.
Pencock.
We have never, never had that happen here before, ever.
I did not see that one coming.
Jim? What have you done, Jim? Frig off! Take my walkie, you frigging psycho.
Richard Dawson? Jim Perry? Fergie Oliver? What the frig? Private! I'm not going to buttercoat this, Jacob.
What we're about to do is as dangerous as fuck but it's for our family, so it's worth it.
Why in the fuck are you crying? I don't want to die, Ricky.
Jesus Christ, we're not going to fucking die.
I just meant we might get shot at or something.
Sorry, Ricky.
What the fuck is all that? Armor.
Mad Max shit, dude! Rah-h-h! Nice fucking job, Cory.
All right, boys, let's get suited up.
Both of you take a hit off this, get in the zone.
Especially you, Jacob, you fuckin' pussy.
Thanks.
Ahhhh! I'm not sure exactly what's going on here.
I can assure, you the seniors usually take great pride - in their yards, don't they, Julian? - Usually.
I did think it was an interesting bit of landscaping.
Well, I can assure you, Mr.
Pencock, that we here at Sunnyvale take pride in creating a sense of community.
This is not just a place to to park your trailer.
Y'all want to buy some crack, fat boy? Oh, we don't have any crack here at Sunnyvale! What about the crack between them titties? Just get right on that bus there, little man! Hold your mouths, mahfuckers, y'know m'sayin'? You don't do that, man.
Sorry about this, you know, Barb's out of the loop lately with the gang activity.
But you know Don't worry about it.
All right? I see.
Hey, Bubbs, how's it going, man? It's not going great, actually, Julian.
Old people apparently like to put things on credit.
And J-Roc keeps driving up and down here blasting "Clap Your Turd Cutter".
These people don't have turd cutters.
You haven't seen Ricky, though, huh? No, I haven't seen him and that's just fine and dandy.
Why are you looking for him? What's going on? Jesus Christ, Ricky, where the fuck are you? You guys ready to take it up a notch? Hit them hard from the roof-tops.
Okay, let's hit them with everything we caught.
Dude, I can hardly move in this.
You'll be happy you had it on when a rubber bullet tags you in the fucking bag, trust me.
I would like to apologize, Mr.
Pencock, and assure you that kids throwing bottles and trying to sell crack here in Sunnyvale Villas is not a normal occurrence.
So I'd like you to bear that in mind when you're making your appraisal.
I make an unbiased assessment based on what I see and give it to the client, ma'am.
Somebody will be in contact.
Can we give you some lunch for all your troubles? Oh, I think that Mr.
Pencock has a lot of appointments to get to, Julian.
I probably should be getting going.
Come on! All-you-can-eat buffet on the house, man.
What? Oh, I am a bit peckish.
- Are you fucking insane? - Trust me.
- Look at the size of him.
- Just trust me.
Hah, I missed breakfast.
I fucking doubt that.
Ooh, what do we have here? Barb! Oh, God, Jim! I've been looking everywhere for you! I'm sorry I drilled Randy Jim, please, not now! Jim? As in Lahey? At your cervix.
You must be Mr.
Pencilcock.
Pencock.
And he calls me Pencilcock.
Jim! Let's go.
Fuck off, Leslie! Incoming! Pull! Incoming! Pull! Sweet potato! What is happening? Pull! Run for your lives! - Pull! - Yeah! Holy fuck, this thing's awesome, Cory.
What did you say it's called? It's called a canapulp, dude.
It's Roman.
- Load! - Pull! Leslie, you're supposed to be protecting this park! Oh, Mr.
Pencock, I am so sorry! This has never Pull! Yeah, I'm so - Load! - Pull! Julian thought it'd be a good idea to put Ricky in charge of fucking up the appraisal of the park.
And it was a terrible idea 'cause when you tell Ricky he can do whatever he wants, his brain immediately goes to piss.
And the next thing you know the fucking sky is raining down with piss-jugs.
And Ricky doesn't hold back, he goes right to fucking Piss-Jug Alley and gets the gnarliest old pisses he could find.
Look at that.
That's a dehydrated piss, probably 20 years old.
Unbelievable.
Jim, what happened? I want answers.
You want answers? I think I'm entitled! You want answers? I want the truth.
You can't handle the truth.
Ha! Get it? Jack Nicholsimp.
Jim You were so close to retiring, goddammit! Well, the truth is I did retire.
I retired from not drinking.
Ha! And you know what? It feels fucking good.
The liquor feels like like a familiar pair of slippers that you put on, sitting in front of the fire.
The liquor feels like a child's arms around your neck with nothing to give but love.
The liquor feels like it feels like home.
You know what, Leslie Dancer? I don't think your services are required around Sunnyvale anymore.
Pardon me? I'm going to have to let you go, bud.
You're fired, Leslie! Frig off! You think you can fire me in the middle of a war? A war? Hee-hee! This is just a regular day in Sunnyvale, bud.
Cheers! The mission is not accomplished and I have no intention of going anywhere, soldier! A colonel never leaves his post.
You're not a frigging colonel! I found your military ID that says you're only a private.
Wait a minute! You're private Don't you fucking say it! Shut your goddamn mouth! Shut your mouth, Randy.
The goddamn booze did this! It needs to be destroyed! Pick it up! Pick it up now! Hop to, fat boy! Hop to! Me, too? You, too, you furball! I can't fucking wait to see the look on George's face.
It's going to be fucking awesome! - Fuck! - Oh, sorry, Ricky.
I was supposed to put that in the garden.
- The fuck is it? - It's call a ge-nome.
Lucy got it for George for his birthday.
Great.
What do you want, Rick? We just sat down to dinner.
Oh, you guys have dinners, do you? Yeah, we have dinner.
It's nothing major.
I'll say.
These are the cheap chicken fingers.
You can tell 'cause of the tiny little crumblies on them.
- What do you want, Rick? - Nothing, really.
I just stopped by to tell Lucy how fucking awesome I was today at the park.
And because I was awesome, we're going to get it back.
So I'm moving us, my fucking family, back there to live.
What do you think? What? Okay, look.
Things here are going pretty well.
Um, it's warm and there's running water and the baby is happy.
So Lucy, I'm going to get my trailer back.
It's warm.
It's got running water.
And I'll get you guys fucking corndogs and pepperoni and chicken fingers, except I'll get the good kind, not these old shitty ones, these little fucking chicken sticks.
So let me guess.
You're banging him again.
Well, he's letting, us stay here, so You heard the lady, bud.
Probably just best you move on.
Trin, what about you? I have to do what's best for Moe.
Maybe once you get your trailer back.
So Let's dig in.
Fucking ge-nome shitty crumbly chicken stick fucking family-stealing asshole.
Sorry, Georgie! I accidentally flung your fucking birthday present through your neighbor's window! Fucking asshole.
It looks like this is the end of Do you want to know something funny, bud? You can destroy this liquor but you'll never destroy the liquor 'cause it's bigger than all of us.
It's bigger than you.
It's bigger than me.
It's even bigger than Randy! It looks like we're out of liquor, buddy.
We better hit the LC.
We're gonna get drunk tonight.
- Big time.
- Let's go.
Oh, God! Barb! Oh, God.
Oh, Donna, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize you were still back there.
My God, what are you crying for? Oh They just called about the appraisal, which is screwed.
And Jim is drinking.
Oh, men are fucked anyways! Don't think about it.
I really thought that this time it was different.
Oh, look, I'm a mess! Oh my God, don't be ridiculous! Look at those lashes! You're gorgeous! Oh, yeah, look at my face.
Oh, I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.
You know what your problem is? You need a nice massage.
Oh, God, I really don't, Donna Yes, you do! Come on.
Honestly, Donna.
Let me give you a nice massage.
I just don't think I can Oh, you're so uptight! You need a nice massagee-poo.
Come on Jesus Christ.
It looks like you did all right, considering, man.
No, I didn't do all right! I'm fucked, Julian, thanks a lot, thanks.
Look, man, I'm sorry but I had no idea Ricky was going to do that, okay? We had to fuck over the park.
It had to be done, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, you borrow money off me, which you don't even fucking pay back.
Then you wreck any chance I have at making legitimate money.
Like, I'm fucked here, Julian.
Look at this.
My payments are due what's that say? Don't pay attention to that garbage.
Final Notice! They'll give you an extension.
Oh, they'll give me a fucking extension, will they? Yeah? Listen to this.
This is a message from Eon's.
Your account is in serious arrears, please make payment in full by tomorrow or your account will be handed over to our collection department.
Thank you for not paying a cent at You know whose voice that is, Julian? You know whose voice that is on there? That's a computer's fucking voice, which means they're not fucking around.
I'm in the system here.
This is serious! Look, man, I'm sorry but I'm telling you.
I honestly did not know Ricky was going to do that.
Oh, you didn't know what Ricky was going to do, did you? Hey, Bubbles.
How's it going? I heard your buffet got fucked over today with the piss bombs and I wanted to apologize, but I can't really because Julian told me to fuck the park over so it's all his fault.
- Okay, buddy? Talk to you later.
- He's fucking lying.
I had nothing to do with the piss bomb attack.
You had to have known I did nothing, man! You knew something was going down.
You know what, Julian? I think I'd rather just be alone right now.
So just do a Michael Jackson, please.
Michael Jackson? - Beat it.
- Are you serious? Beat it.
No one wants to be defeated.
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck Fucka.