Trailer Park Boys s10e03 Episode Script

A Three Tired Shit Dyke

Oh, fuck! Holy fuck! Fucking, goddamn ragtail shitrats! What the fuck are you looking at? You find this amusing? This is fucking ridiculous! Show me some fucking love, will you, please? Oh, perfect.
I'm down half a pint.
I'm going to need a little liquid courage.
I fucking work too goddamn hard, let a couple of selfish fucking priss priss birds come and swoop in and take all this away! Barb! Barb! It's gone on too fucking long! I want you and all your shit out of here now or else! Or else what, Jimbo? What are you going to do, come in here and beat us all up? Yeah, an ex-cop beating women! I can see the headlines now.
Yeah, one of you isn't even really a woman! You better watch your goddamn mouth or I'll choke your meat whistle until it pukes! B Barb! Come on! Come on out and have a civil conversation.
Show a little compassion for my situation here, would you please? Is that enough compassion for you? Would you fuck the fuck off, fucker? Don't make me hurt you.
You're fucking old, frail, and fucking drunk! Strength! Strength! Strength! Strength! Strength! Fucking asshole.
Goddamn liar! So we're really going to do this in broad daylight, are we? Yup.
Because people think no-one's dumb enough to do it in broad daylight, but guess what? I am.
What are the other boys saying? They're totally down.
They're going to meet us there with truck.
All right.
You guys ready to go? Don't be fucking teasing him.
Hey, man.
Who are you trying to be, Biker Fonzie? I'm not trying to be fucking Fonzie.
Fonzie was a pussy.
What are you laughing at? Nothing, I was just That looks like a bit of a cock.
I was just laughing at that maybe.
I think it looks tough, man.
It does look tough.
You sure you're okay? You sure you should be doing this with us? Why shouldn't I, Ricky? I like doing illegal stuff.
As much as the next guy.
Give me a fucking gun.
Let's get 'er going.
Do you want a gun? I'll give you my back-up.
You don't need a gun! Why not? I Give me that fucking Give me the fucking gun! You're not taking a gun! I'm saying I would.
Shotgun, motherfuckers! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You've got to be fucking kidding me! No, we're part of this job.
Yeah, we're the brains of the operation.
Didn't Ricky tell you? What the fuck is going on here? They're not coming with us! This is the deal, Julian.
Either Lucy goes or I don't go.
This is the only way I can fucking do this, man.
And Lucy's the kind, you know, she's good at problem-solving.
I think we need her.
Fuck, there's going to be too many of us.
They have no experience doing this shit.
But I love Lucy, Julian, and Lucy wants Sarah to come.
So, unless they go, then I can't go.
I know it's fucked, but love it or like it.
He's talking at two different levels I know what he's doing, Bubbs.
You girls ready to break the law? Yeah, fucking right! Well, let's fucking do this! What, I'm in the back seat? Are you fucking kidding me? You can get in the trunk if you want.
Back seat's cool.
The back seat's where I always sit.
It's where the cool people hang out.
Wah! Hey, man.
Talk to you right quick? I know that, like, we was going to the park today, you know m'saying, and spit some shit, show Marsha how we do.
But some work shit came up, y'know I'm saying? Can't make it today.
I ain't give a fuck.
Midterm's coming up and I want my science game tight.
No need to act so hard.
Know I'm saying? How about you and Marsha go to the park and start and I'll join you all sluts when I'm done.
And quit fucking with the science bogish.
I am not going to the park with that red pepper bitch.
Fuck that.
I know you want to watch your mouth, dawg.
Marsha's dope.
If you gave her a chance you would know that.
Dad, you choosing her over me, talking with that gringo accent? Shit's wack, man.
Hey, Flurry.
What's up, now? Straight up chillin', gettin' my biology on.
Oh, word? You dissecting fetal pigs and shit? Dope, fam.
Are we movin' on up? Okay? See? She ain't my family.
You and T are my family.
If you leave me up in here with that bitch, I'm bouncing.
Fuck that.
Where is the beef? Bonita, okay? Don't worry, I'll take you with me on the job.
You don't have to give a fuck, y'know I'm sayin'? But she could use a bit of support! As could I.
- Hey, Flurry.
- Hey, Flurry.
You can't blame your old man for trying to take a dicking, you know what I'm saying? People think that when you're trying to steal, you're supposed to do it at night and wear masks and shit.
Fuck that! Broad daylight, a few pylons, worker vests it's easy.
This job is fucking lame, but it's good money.
Right on, Julian, it's got to be 1200, 1400 bucks worth of bikes here, man.
At least, man.
All right, boys, give me a hand.
It's going to take all of us to lift this fucking thing up.
Uh, Ricky, why don't you use the tow winch? That's what it's for.
Why don't you fucking stop sounding so fucking dumb? You're just pissy 'cause she had the idea before you did.
Hey! Cops! Easy, Ricky.
They're not cops, just fucking campus dicks! - Hey, guys.
- Hey, how are you doing? Good.
What's, uh, what's going on here? Just doing our fucking jobs.
What the fuck you guys doing? Wait, what job? Swapping out the bike racks.
With bikes still on them? Yes, with fucking bikes still on them.
What do you want us to do? Track down every owner around all these fucking stupid classrooms, try to find them? Think about that.
This is the old model 347.
There's lead and "asbestosos" in them and It was supposed to be done two years ago.
You didn't hear about this? These are really, really fucking dangerous.
Oh, shit, no.
I haven't heard anything about that.
Have you? No.
We can check with Danny, though.
Yeah, yeah, check with Danny.
Who's Danny, your fucking boss? Yeah.
Danny Danny? Oh, my fuck! I used to run the whole fucking show here.
Danny worked for me.
Bit of a fucking idiot, if you ask me, but Anyway, check with him if you want.
It just means I'm going to have to fill out a ton of paperwork.
He's probably going to make you guys fill out paperwork all fucking day, if you want to do that.
Go ahead, I guess.
It's just I was hoping to get this done before more people die of the poisoning.
Does Danny let you guys smoke hash? Randy! Hey, big guy! Barb.
Oh, you remember my friend Candy from jail? Now, Randy, I, uh, I need your help with something.
You know that I'm taking Julian to court, right? Well, I need you to testify that, uh, Jim was wasted when he signed over the park.
I can't do that.
I work for Julian now.
You know, Randy, it's it's no secret that I never liked you.
The feeling's mutual, Barb.
Yeah? Well, I'm going to win this case and you are going to testify.
So we can do this the easy way or we can do it the, um, the not-so-nice way.
Well, I'm not doing it.
So what's the not-so-nice way? Ahhh! Ah! Frig off! Ahhhh! Let go! So, um so, I tell you what.
You have a little bit of a think about that and get back to me, okay? See ya.
See ya.
I actually got some good hash on me right now.
I'll give that to you.
Yeah, try that out.
So are we good here? 'Cause I'd like to get this done fast.
We should have these bikes back right on a new rack Something like that.
Yeah, I'm going to paint it orange too.
It's going to look a lot better than the black.
Oh, nice.
The black's kind of lame, yeah.
We all good? Want to smoke this with me? I could probably yeah probably have a little blast.
Yeah? Let us get these loaded and we'll Where do you guys smoke around here? Just over there somewhere? We've got to do some more rounds, but then it's it's just behind the library over there.
There's a couple of spots.
All right, we'll meet you there in 5, 10 minutes, something like that.
Awesome, guys.
Sounds good.
Tell, uh, tell Danny I said hi.
Randy Lahey.
Nice to meet you guys.
Randy? Yeah, nice to meet you too.
All right.
Nice to meet you, Randy.
See you in a bit.
See you in, like, - Sounds good.
- Yeah? Thanks for the hash, man.
Thanks, guys.
All right.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks, guys.
Fucking idiots.
All right, boys, let's get these loaded Swap them out for the new ones.
Lahey! Why did you sic Barb and those bitches on me? Thanks a lot.
They attacked me.
Oh! Did they, Randy? Well, big fucking deal! I didn't sic those shit-witches on you, Randy, and I don't fucking appreciate your tone.
So why don't you just fuck off and leave me alone? Oh yeah? Well, maybe I will then.
You know, I just thought that you cared about me enough not to drag me into this shit-mess! Thanks a lot.
Why don't you have another drink, Mr.
Lahey? Randy, I'm not drunk.
I'm just I'm sorry.
I'm under a lot of pressure right now.
Randy this used to be my sanctuary.
I was happy here, Randy, it was almost perfect.
But I'm being destroyed, bud.
I was I was like a beautiful little buttercup floating down a heavenly, peaceful stream.
Not a care in the world, Randers.
Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this three-tiered shit-dyke appeared and blocked my way and my and my peaceful little journey down the stream came to an abrupt and shitty end.
Randy what did they do to you? It's horrible, Mr.
I I was so afraid and felt so helpless.
Oh, Randy, let me use some of this wonderful healing cream.
Thanks, Mr.
Ohhh Doesn't that feel good, bud? Yeah.
Ohhh Look, that'll take away some of the some of the bruising.
It's ohhhhh Randy-fandy- fo-fanders.
Randy Feel good, bud? Think we should stop, Mr.
Lahey? Maybe you're right, Randy.
Don't let them ruin this for you, Mr.
You've got to get back to floating down that nice stream.
See you, Randers.
Hey, Frank, what's cracking, man? Do you want some hot bikes, dawg? Oh, whoa! Oh titanic fucking idiots! You bring this shit here with fucking cameras and people watching? Man, be cool, be cool! They with us, man.
You know what? Tell you what Fuck off, okay? I ain't interested, okay? Ain't interested, don't want to hear it.
F-word, I feel you, dawg.
Do you want us to bring this stolen shit Fuck, that's Yeah.
That's smart though, dawg.
That is smart, yeah.
That is smart, dawg.
That way, coppers won't see it, right? Yeah, yeah.
Tyrone, I understand where he's coming from.
He smokes a bale of weed a day.
Total banana-head.
But every once in a while they stumble across something that makes me money.
So I do business with them.
They're fucking idiots, though, to be honest with you.
T, here's what I'm saying, dawg.
What's up, I'm listening.
Less than two grand, we gonna walk, aight? I'm telling you right now, these cheap motherfuckers only gonna give us $1000, tops.
And who do we have here? That's that appraiser mafk from the park with his bearded Barbapapa ass.
That is him too, ain't it? I know.
Mahfuck, he like to eat.
I'll sell you back to the circus, you fucking elephant.
Would you do your job here? Give me an appraisal.
I would say I'll give you $200! Are you crazy? Frankie, you clowning, dawg! It's got to be Them shits is worth $200 each, dawg.
Look at these rust butts air wire suspension, dawg, and a gel seat.
Who'd this belong to, Dorothy? We'll throw in the basket, dawg, don't worry about that shit.
The rack's included too Look, I'll go $250 I'll go $250 and that's it! Imma call my mahfucker.
Imma tell you right now, for free, dawg, he ain't going for $250.
Hey, Julian, get this, dawg.
Call him.
F-word talking about $250.
Ha-ha! Can you go any higher? That's what he said.
Two fucking doughnuts.
Fucking doughnuts? Oh, you think that's funny, dawg? $250 and That's what he talking 'bout.
Are you fucking kidding me? Just take it.
Jesus Christ! Well looks like we need another $750, boys.
You got $250 for the bikes? $250.
What the fuck? We can't do any more of that bike shit.
That's ridiculous.
Hey, I can hook up.
Get some parking meters get some money there.
We're not dealing with fucking change.
Laundromats, maybe? Me and Cory roll the change out of them.
That wouldn't be a problem.
Jacob! I said we're not fucking dealing with change! Well, it looks like we have no choice.
We're going to need two turnips in heat.
"Two turnips in heat"? What the fuck are you talking about? That's what people say.
When things get fucked, you need two turnips in heat.
I don't know really what it means.
I guess cooks them or gets them expanded it takes the fucking turnips to hold on No, Ricky Have you never heard this? Ricky, it's "turn up the heat".
No, I've heard that, but this is "two turnips in heat.
" It's different.
No, it's not, Ricky.
You've got it mixed up, bud.
Boys It's "turn up the heat".
That's what they fucking say when you're in a fucked-up situation, you need to get two turnips in heat.
It's not two turnips in heat! - What is it, then? - Turn up the heat! No, you would turn the fucking heat up to get the turnips cooked! Why, man? Why are you trying to fucking cook turnips? Ricky How do you cook turnips, boys? How? I don't It doesn't matter how! You cook turnips with heat, Ricky.
There's nobody disagreeing with that, but the expression doesn't involve turnips at all! Maybe you haven't heard it.
Maybe you haven't heard Nobody's heard it! Turnips are a whole different fucking animal, aren't they? Turnips are fucking vegetables, Ricky! Well, whatever they are, they cook differently from everything else, and, if you can get them fucking cooked or heated up, then you're going to figure everything Yeah, Ricky, look I can't listen to this! If you can figure that out Ricky, look at me! What? Turnips aren't involved in the expression.
Well, that's just your fucking opinion, isn't it? Anyway, if I think about two turnips and get them to with heat when you turn up the heat to get the fucking turnips in heat I think about breaking into houses with fucking alarm systems.
That's what we need to do.
It's easy money.
Me and the old man used to do it.
Break into houses with alarm systems? Mm-hmm.
What are you talking about? Well, if you've got a fucking alarm, those little stickers that say, "Hey, look at all my fucking awesome stuff in here!" That's what you want to look for Yeah, but Ricky, then when the alarm starts fucking blaring, it's also saying, "Hey, I'm getting robbed! Police, get here quickly please!" But boys, if we have enough hands You break in, you fucking smash the door in, pick the lock, whatever, you've got five, ten minutes before the cops show up.
Cops are fucking slow and dumb, remember that.
So we go in, grab as much shit as we can, we're gone before the fucking cops come.
It's easy.
Okay, all right.
Unless anybody has a better idea, let's fucking do it.
So just like that, that's the fucking plan now? Break into houses with alarms? What else are we going to do, Bubbs? What the fuck else are we going to do? Yeah, Mr.
Turn Up The Fucking Heat! Never heard the real expression.
I'll get Lucy and Sarah then.
No, Lucy And Sarah aren't coming on this job.
Why? They're fucking useless, Ricky! They've got hands.
It doesn't matter! Cory and fucking Jacob have hands! Their hands are fucking dumb though, aren't they? You're fucking dumb! Julian, I need to borrow some ice! What the fuck happened to your tits, Randy? Why the fuck are your nipples purple? I don't want to frigging talk about it, Ricky.
You hooked the fucking vacuum cleaner up to them again, didn't you? I did not! Julian, where's your ice? It's back there.
Just leave two bucks there, ice up your tits, get back at the fucking gate.
Let's go, boys.
You look like you're on "Wild Kingdom", Randy.
The purple-titted manatee! Jesus Christos, mahfucker's late every time.
The clutch is sticking pendejo, ju know what I'm saying? Yo, man, you need to drop that fake accent, man.
That shit is whack and people are starting to talk about it.
What you sayin', dawg? Marsha ain't down with non-Spanish-ass mahfs, you know I'm sayin'? What am I supposed to do, lose the best thing that ever happened to me in my lifes? That's the best thing that ever happened to you, man? Let me tell you something real quick, dawg.
MC Flurry's the best thing that ever happened to a mafk.
That little meefk, he need a muhfucker right about now, you what I'm sayin'? Hos, they come and go, but your boy your boy for life, s'all I'm sayin'.
I hear you, dawg, but why the fuck do you think I'm doing all this, you know'm sayin'? I want to provide a picture-perfect liz-ife, you know what I'm sayin', for that little-ass mafk.
Yeah, I feel you, but you're trying too hard, you know I'm sayin'? This shit ain't real.
J-Roc is real and if it ain't broke, don't fix it is what I'm sayin', dawg.
Feel me? Back atcha, motherfucker.
But at the same time, that's what I'm up against, you know what I'm sayin', right? - Crazy, dawg.
- Are ju okay? Yah, believe it or not, I'm walking on the air.
Huhh? Crazy, man.
Let's roll, man.
Let me open the door for you.
Oh Ju have a lot to drink? Too much Long Island iced tea.
Scooch over! Hello? This is George Green from up the street looking for my dog.
Who is it? For fuck's sakes Never mind! Fuck! Hello! This is Randy Lahey from up the street looking for my dog.
Just a minute.
Holy fuck, doesn't anybody work anymore? This one's perfect, boys! What y'all doing? Playing chess.
Aight then.
Who dis? Ay, I'm Mary.
Ay, what up, Mary? Nuttin', sir.
Aight then, you don't have to call me sir.
Just sayin'.
Call me J to the R-O, huh! Aight, then.
Hey, Flurry, you want to go to the park, spit 16 right quick? No, I'm good.
Come on, dawg.
Keep up your rap responsibilities, you know I'm sayin'? Be a man.
Yeah, and where would I find an example of one of those motherfuckers? Flurry.
Do your friend want to stay for suppers? That's a great idea, Marsha! Ju should stay for suppers.
No, I'm good.
I'm going to Mary's.
They got normal food up in there.
Not any of this burrito bull-ish.
Yeah! We're having sloppy joes.
I enjoy sloppy joes from time to time, but you will not disrespect your mother to her face.
Stay for her taquitos.
They are wonderful.
That skeez ho doesn't even know my name.
Mac Flurries.
What's my name bitch? Mac Flurries.
See? Told you.
Let's go.
Fuck this.
We got about three minutes tops to grab the most expensive shit you can carry, all right? For fuck's sakes! You guys ready? Let do it.
Fucking stupid locks! Fuck this! Wait, boys.
Maybe I should wait out here.
We need a lookout.
Bubbles, you can't dress like that and be a pussy.
Come on, man.
We need all the hands we can get! Come on, let's go! You'll be fine, you'll be fine! - Here's a purse! - Whoa, look what I got! Oh, I'm taking this shit.
I'm taking this Cory, that's a fucking VCR, that's three bucks! Take something expe Fuck, cops, boys! Let's go, everybody out! Let's go! Fuck! Let's go! Oh, my fuck! For fuck's sakes! That wasn't three fucking minutes! What are you talking about? Cory and Jacob, take all the stuff! Go into the woods! Are you guys coming with us? No, we're going to distract the cops.
You'll be fine.
Go, go, go! Go through there! Go, go, go! All right split up and pretend you're looking for my dog.
Fuck's sakes! Show us your hands! Calm the fuck down.
They're right here.
The guys you want are out back.
They ran to the woods with a bunch of stuff from the fucking house there.
There's two guys.
One guy had a big gut, no shirt, purple tits.
The other guy's a bit older, head looked a bit like an onion, kind of bald khaki clothes, and I think he may have pissed himself, to be honest.
Well, who are you? What are you doing here? Donnie Trevorson.
Looking for my dog.
Heard the alarms, came over to check it out.
What are they doing? It's a news team that's doing a story on all the dogs that are fucking running away.
I got a bunch of people here helping me look.
Boys, did you find anything? Any luck? He's not over here.
Oh, yeah, there you go.
See? No, don't see him in the bushes or anywhere.
All right, well, thanks a lot, guys, for trying, for fuck's sakes.
Well, what kind of a dog is he? Actually, he's a rare golden Chinese husky doodle retriever.
It's the only one in the North of the Americas, to be honest.
Look, guys, we're on your fucking side here.
I tried to tackle the fat guy.
He slipped through my arms like a fucking oiled-up seal.
I just really need to find this fucking dog.
Like, I love this thing more than anything.
It's fucking killing me right now.
Will you put out an APB on two B&E suspects running through the woods near Colby Village South.
One's a bigger guy, no shirt on, purple tits.
Uh, the other guy's wearing khaki clothes, bald, and may have pissed himself.
May have pissed himself.
- He did, for sure.
- Pissed himself.
And we also have a, uh, missing dog in the area.
A golden Chinese, uh, husky retriever doodle.
Owner's pretty upset.
All right.
Guys, thanks a lot.
It means a lot and good luck with your stuff.
Hey Hope it works out.
You too.
Love you guys.
Okay, guys, I guess the dog's not going to fucking come back.
We may as well just go home and take a break, have a couple of drinks come back at some point.
Jesus Christ, Dad! We were supposed to get married and now they're probably going to jail.
This is great! Fucking great! Well, they're probably too fucking dumb to go to jail.
I told you no fucking jobs without me.
I tried to fucking come and find you guys Oh, you tried to come and fucking find us, Ricky? You couldn't have looked very hard.
We were here the whole time.
Now, if we'd been with you, this wouldn't have happened.
You know what, Ricky? Even by your standards, this is fucked! For the love of Christ! Sarah! Just get the fuck out of here! Oh, my God! Just go! Look, I ain't fucking sorry.
I did this because I love this family.
I love what we have here.
I don't want to fucking move.
You're right.
I should have taken you with us.
I fucked up.
But I love you both more than anything.
Please, can we try to move past this? You know, Ricky, I'm just trying to see if this is worth it.
This life, it's hard on the head.
What the fuck are you saying? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What that means is that if you break the law again I mean, anything we're fucking done and you will lose this family forever.
Are we clear? Crystal, yeah.
Okay, with that painting and depending on what was in those purses, we're looking at five or eight grand easy, man.
Five! Julian.
You're fucking bananas, I'm telling you.
I watched "Storage Wars" marathons.
You're going to be lucky to get 500 bucks for that stuff.
Bubbs, that whole fucking That show's a setup, okay? They don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
Well, they know more than this.
There's no way that's fucking five grand.
Hey, boys.
Hey, man.
Any word from those two fucking wood sluts? Not yet.
Fuck's sakes.
Can't you fucking just ask me for a glass? Because of those two mosquito-dick fruit bitches, I almost fucking broked up with Lucy.
I promised never to break the law again.
Like ever, never fucking again! Good times.
The good news is, we got more than enough money to pay Steinberg.
Nice! We don't know that yet.
You don't know that.
We definitely have enough money.
I think your calculations are fucked.
What the fuck happened to you guys? We were hiding in the woods with all the stuff and then there were dogs after us.
Uh, then we got attached by a flock of porcupines.
And we packed and ran.
Ok, where the fuck is all the stuff? It's cool, man.
I hid it in the lake.
- In the lake? - Like, underwater? Yeah, man, but I had to think fast, you know what I'm saying? So I put it there.
No one's going to check there though.
Oh, so the fucking electronics are now underwater with all the stuff.
That's awesome, Cory.
Yeah, well, at least I know exactly where we left it.
You guys are fucking stupid! Do you know that? Do you realize how fucking stupid you are? I told you the fucking hams were dumb, and now they're fucking covered in "porcupic" feathers.
Stupid idiots.
Think we're still look at fucking five grand, Julian? Well, you know what this means, Rick? We're going to have to use the wedding money.
Hmmph! Not a fucking chance.
Yeah, please, Julian.
We can't use the wedding money.
You can't expect them to do that.
Okay then, I give up.
I'm just going to sit here and get drunk, eat these shitty fucking pretzels and not worry about a thing, boys.
Have fun.
Let's fucking do it.
What are you talking about, give up? You can't give up.
You always figure things out.
Bubbs, Barb's going to come in here, take over the park; We're going to have to move.
I mean, we're not going to find a better setup than what we have there, us living together.
I'm sure we can find something though.
A block away, maybe, or two.
What? It'll all work out, man.
Fuck it.
What are you talking about? We can't We've got to figure it out somehow.
No, you guys got to figure it out, 'cause I don't give a fuck.
Ricky, let's just think about this.
I mean You know I would never fucking ask you to do something with your wedding money normally, but Let's just think about this.
Maybe if it was just a short-term loan.
You know, I could promise you We could promise you to get it back right away.
I'll do whatever the fuck it takes, any kind of job.
Well, I can't break the fucking law anymore, you remember that? Well you won't have to.
We'll figure it out, maybe Julian, we could do something.
Couldn't we? Probably could, yeah.
Of course, it would be, like, a short-term loan with interest.
With interest, maybe Ricky? Fucking Jesus, boys.
I mean I guess I'll do it.
I love you guys.
I'm fucking trusting you.
Especially you, Bubbles.
I need this fucking money back right away.
Well, you'll get it.
Do not fuck me! We'll get it back, won't we, Julian? You'll get your money back.
Promise him.
I promise you.
Is that a deal? We're all good? Just one condition.
What? You've got to get rid of this getup, man.
You went from, like, being a really cool guy to trying to look cool.
Now you look like a fucking dick.
Why? I don't look like a dick.
I look like Billy Idol.
You don't look like fucking Billy Idol.
You look like a dick.
Ricky? Do I look like a dick? - Yeah.
- Come on, Bubbs.
With a rebel yell She cried more, more No? Lose it, Bubbs.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! Fuck.
Fuck off.