Trailer Park Boys s10e04 Episode Script

Shit Covered Cave Teeth

Thanks, Dad.
It was good.
Yeah, thanks, Dad.
Turning into Chef Boyarlee.
Hey, fuck off, Ricky! You get one glass of juice like the rest of us, okay? Fuck, Sarah.
I didn't mean to drink too much of the precious fucking orange juice! Well, I'm just thinking about your grandson.
What's he supposed to drink? He's going to drink some fuck off juice.
Why don't you pour yourself a big glass and chug the whole fucking thing, you free boater! Actually, you can have a glass then, Ricky.
Hey, guys.
Rick, come on, everybody's waiting for you.
Where are you going with Julian, Rick? Dad, you promised.
Everybody calm the fuck down.
I'm just driving Julian down to see his lawyer, that's all.
Yeah? If you're just going to see his lawyer, what the fuck do you need this for? Fuck are you guys up to? Lucy, I told you I'm done.
I really am this time.
I actually freaked out Julian, told him off and said no more.
Didn't I, Julian? You freaked out? Told him off and said no more, really? Yeah.
See? It's just going to be us now running this place as a family.
I'm so impressed you finally stood up to Julian.
That's amazing.
Big time.
I need you back as soon as possible.
I need you in that bedroom.
Okay, so tonight's 2 for 1 pizza night at Pictou Pizza, so family pizza night? Yeah! Yeah! Sounds good.
Okay, well Can I have my gun back? Oh, sorry.
Jesus Christ, Ricky! What the fuck? It was a fucking accident.
It's only a gunshot.
Calm the fuck down! Well, you woke the baby up.
Give me that.
What are you doing with a loaded gun? Come on.
Love you guys.
I can do $6 for the truck and $9 for the covered bridge.
Oh, the cock's cute.
How much do you want for the cock? I'd have to charge $12 for my cock.
I put a lot of work into that one.
Thanks a lot.
Enjoy my cock.
I will.
Hey, Mr.
Lahey.
You're turning into quite the little artiste, aren't you? Flim-flammer-Ran.
Thanks.
What's going on? Well, I was just thinking about your tender nipples and I, um I brought you the rest of the cream.
You're going to have to rub it in yourself this time, Randy.
That's really thoughtful.
Thanks a lot.
Of course.
So, I was wondering if I could borrow our old berry picking tent.
You still got that thing? Yeah, I've still got that.
Good.
What do you need that for? You've got your camper down at the campground.
Oh, I was thinking of getting away, maybe going down to the lake and having a you know Thinking of going away? Yeah.
Down to the lake? I know what you're doing, Mr.
Lahey.
You're giving up.
Oh, Randy.
Well, guess what? I'm not giving you that berry picking tent, the one that we spent so many nights in picking blueberries and cranberries and having fun.
No way.
Randy, I need it.
Don't let those excuse my language Don't let those friggin' butchy frig-bitches frig you over like this! It's not that simple, Super Ran-man, honestly.
Yes it is, Mr.
Lahey.
You know what? You're not the man you used to be.
The man you used to be wouldn't stand for this bullshit.
You need to grow a set.
Fuck Doesn't even look like a fucking lawyer's office.
It looks like Norman Bates lives here.
Who the fuck's that? He used to bang your mama.
Norman Bates didn't bang anybody's mama.
Made with love and Poppa Karlsen's clean feet.
Now endorsed by Board of Health.
We have the Clooneys, the Careys, the Lettermans, and new this week, the Buseys! Biggest chompers on the market! Any look you want we can do! We pay cold hard cash for your gold teeth and any other gold you want to get rid of! And 50% discount cash! I'm Sam Loscarino, the Denture King, and I'm re-inventing the wheel with teeth! Is that fucking for real? I think so.
"Loscarino"? Now get in here, you ugly piss-shitters.
The Denture King is open Monday to Friday, except for days when it's not.
Ahh! Son of a cock helmet! Ricky! What the fuck are you doing? Fuck you, chair! Sorry, it's an old chair.
Fucking asshole.
These chairs are fucked, man.
Yeah, well, uh, I'll see what I can pick up later on.
Okay? Jesus Christ.
No, let's work some magic.
Ricky, just sit still! Rick It's just so lean-y.
I kn Everybody okay? Now do you want the good news first or do you want the kind of news that feels like a rhinoceros is fucking you up the poop-chute? Ohh, Jesus Now the good news is, I just delayed the trial by 20, well 30 days.
Now So what you just did there, that cost 1000 bucks? Mm-hmm.
Fucking ridiculous, isn't it? But I don't make the rules.
Now the other news is, well, you're fucked.
That screeching banshee is going to win this case 1000%.
Wait.
What the fuck is going on here? We spent the wedding money and we're still going to lose? Yeah.
I can't get the image of a rhinoceros getting behind me with his big meat log out of my fucking head now.
Bubbs, Bubbs, please.
Listen, man, don't sit there and say you can't do anything.
You always got a fucking angle.
All right, look.
There is a chance we could win this dirty, backstreet dumpster whore of a case.
But I'd have to bring in another lawyer.
Now I know the perfect S.
O.
B, but he isn't fucking cheap, okay? Can you guarantee that we'd win? Well, he's your best shot against that filthy ditch pig! So it looks like we've just got to come up with 3 or 4 grand.
That shouldn't be too fucking tough, boys.
Oh, yeah, just pull 3 or 4 fucking grand out of the air! No problem.
And no fucking guarantee we're going to win anyway! He said this guy was the fucking best.
What's our other option? To give up? Boys, all we've got to do is one simple little fucking job.
Oh, yeah.
Here we fucking go.
What's the fucking job? We're going to rob The Denture King, tonight.
Denture King He's got cash and gold, boys.
You know he's not fucking putting any money in the bank.
So we just walk in and rob fucking Captain Cave Sam and all the problems are solved? Yeah.
You guys can fucking rob Captain Cave Sam, if you want.
I'm not.
Did you forget what I telled you? I'm fucking done! Ricky, this is going to be the easiest fucking job we've ever done! Sam's an idiot! Yeah, right.
Listen to me and listen to me: I'm fucking out! No more! And tonight's fucking pizza night.
Look, I love my fucking family, boys.
Do not ask me to fuck that up.
Pizza night All right, what do we want on these fucking things? I'm good with anything.
Let's get one with no meat.
What are you? A vege-tenarian now? Pizza has fucking meat.
That's what makes it pizza.
I'm allergic to, uh, green peppers.
That doesn't even make fucking sense.
It's true.
It gives him the shits.
Hey, what's up, little Mo? What's up, buddy? I need you for a sec, man.
Something weird going on in my trailer.
You've got to check the pipes or something.
Pipes? What pipes? I don't really know much about pipes, man.
Get Bubbles to do it.
He's good at that shit.
He's busy.
I know you can do this, man.
You're smart at this shit.
Come on.
It'll just take a minute.
I guess I know a little bit about pipes.
All right, you guys figure it out.
But I'm fucking paying.
So meat on both.
So which pipes are fucked? Is it a leak? What the fuck's going on? It better not be your shit pipe.
I'm not working on that.
There's nothing wrong with the pipes, man.
I just had to talk to you for a minute.
Look, just so you know, the last thing any of us would want to do is fuck over things between you and your family, okay? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Just stop! I am not helping you guys break into Cavey's! Fuck that! Rick, we don't want you to do this job with us, man.
We just need a drive, in Lucy's car, because the car blends in.
Drive? Fuck you.
That's still doing the job, isn't it? No, it isn't, man.
You drop us off.
You wait in the car.
Keep look-out for us.
In and out in 5 minutes, man.
You go pick up the pizza and come home.
Everybody's happy.
You do nothing wrong, nothing illegal.
Hey Ricky, driving mah-fuckas around was illegal, I'd be in jail for life! You know what I'm sayin'! That's what's real! And I'll be able to pay back that wedding money just like I promised.
All right.
I'll fucking drive you guys, not coming in! That's what your old man used to say! "I'm not coming in!" Under a minute! Nice work, Bubbs! - Yes! - Under a minute? That's what your mom used to say! Just everything you say, he just says it's about your mother.
Like, it's not that clever, really.
Yeah.
Leslie! Jim Lahey! How the hell are you? I'm fan-freaking-tastic! Nice! I'm back on my meds.
Wonderful.
Feeling as good almost as when we were running Sunnyvale together.
You know, before the craziness.
And you, Jim? Yeah? You look great.
Thanks.
You look sober.
Oh I never felt better in my life.
You know why? The liquor has been beat! Got it beat, have you, Jim? Absolutely.
Well, that's great.
These are a little tricky for one person.
Yeah.
Will Randy be giving you a hand putting it up? Oh, I highly doubt that.
Well, where are you setting up? I could, uh, come and help you out, catch up, talk about old times.
Yeah, I really appreciate it but I'm trying to leave the past behind, if you know what I mean.
All of it.
I understand.
Right.
But, if you change your mind, I'm here for you.
And I'm stronger than ever.
Ricky, can you turn off the religious horseshit? It's stuck on this fucking channel, I told you that.
Well, do we need to have it on? It makes a lot of sense, some of the stuff they're saying.
Yeah, 'cause your dad brainwashed you.
What time is it? It's, like, almost 5:30, it's a minute after 5:30.
There he is.
Man, he looks fucked.
Look at his hair.
How did he grow it back? He didn't, Ricky.
It's a fucking toupee, - or whatever they call it.
- Let's go.
Here we go No big deal, just a little done it many times.
Nothing to worry about.
Let's do it.
Turn off the fucking camera.
No, leave the fucking camera on.
I want proof I wasn't in there with you guys.
This is fucking killing me right now not going with these guys.
There's no better feeling doing a B&E, reapin' off some dumb-dumb idiot.
Hit off that? No? Anyway, I'm lucky Lucy's stayed with me this long.
And I can't risk losing my family again.
Right now I'm doing nothing wrong.
Just waiting for my pizzas to cook.
Nothing illegal about that.
And it's not a lie if you believe it's not happening.
And I do.
I still can't believe we made this thing.
It's not a thing, silly.
I know, but you know what I mean.
I just love our family so much.
I know.
That was so scary yesterday when I thought you were going to go to jail.
It got me thinking.
Let's just do it.
Make me your wife.
I'd love to, Trinity, but there's still so much planning to do.
Wedding.
Doesn't take much.
Come on.
Spontaneous weddings are pretty fucking romantic.
Uh, okay.
When? I don't know.
This weekend? Might as well.
What do you think? I don't This is fucking useless, boys.
I mean, what good is that? I can't there's nothing I can do.
It's just a fucking guessing game.
Just keep guessing.
What would he put in? Cave? C-A-V-E.
Dick? What about dick? D-I-C What makes a lie? For it to be a lie, someone would have to find out that it is a lie.
So, if they don't, then it's not really a lie.
Fucking minutes? Are you kidding me? Jesus, fuck my ass! Shut off the fucking camera! What the fuck is taking so long? It took us a while to find the fucking thing.
It was hidden behind this.
And he can't open it! It's fucking digital, Ricky.
I can't hear the clickers inside.
Well, pry the fucking thing open! We fucking tried, dawg.
Shit's tighter than your mama.
Ray! Boys, I need to pick up my fucking pizzas.
Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do, Ricky? Oh, God is fucking me right now! Fuck's sakes! What are you going to do? Oh, fuck, look out! Right on, buddy.
Ray! Fuck, you're here, man! Ray! Yeah, Ricky! - Nice work, Ricky.
- Nice work.
Thank fuck you're here, man.
I'm not here! This is not even fucking happening right now! Ricky! Fuck She's moving.
No, look, she's bolted right to the fucking right to the studs.
We need a rope.
Don't you got a fucking rope in the car? Get the fuck out of the way! I want to marry you so bad, Trin.
I'd do it tomorrow if I could.
You know I love you more than everything on the planet, right? So what's the hold-up? It doesn't have to be anything crazy.
It's sort of about the romance.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Guys, the wedding money's all gone.
What? Ricky and I had to lend it all to Julian to help keep the park.
All of it? I'm so sorry.
Those fucking bastards! I'm going to fucking kill him! Ricky is such a fucking loser! Here, tie this to the back of the car.
I got you, you man.
I forget my knots, dawg.
I'm all panicked in my mind.
Man, you You went to camp, man.
You know how to do this.
Round the thing, dawg.
Bunny ears and that shit.
One more knot.
Should I do, like, a bowman or some shit? No, just tie it real tight.
Is that dope? That's good.
Aight, you man! Gotta peace the fuck out, dawg.
Get over here, dawg! Safe come flyin' Oh, shit! Ricky, hang on a second, dawg! Oh, my fuck, you tied it to the fucking bumper? You said tie it to the back, that's what we did, dawg.
Tie it to the fucking frame underneath! Well, you've got to be specific with a motherfucker! You just said tie it to the back, dawg.
That's what we did! Technically that is the back of the car, though.
Dude, we'll just put it back on right quick.
Just back up, dawg.
Jesus, boys, you ripped the fucking I'm going to have to fix that.
Fucking dumb-dumb fucks! Tie it to the frame! Hurry up! Look at this shit! Lucy's going to fucking lose her goddamn mind! Can you back up a bit, dawg? We don't have enough rope to reach the frame.
You know what I'm sayin'? Fuck! Ray, that mah-fucka cranky today.
Goddamn s-stupid fucking piece of shit tent! What the fuck? Barb! Hey, Barb! Oh, hey, Jim.
Hi.
Listen, I feel awful bad that you guys don't have a place to live, so I bought you a tent.
Oh! And all you need to do is set it up.
Oh, that is so sweet of you, but you've got to be joking.
The three of us are not sleeping in a tent.
You can.
Come on, Barb.
This is crazy! Look, you take the tent or leave, because I can't live like this for another fucking week! A week? Yeah.
Oh, no.
Julian has got the court case postponed for 30 days.
We're here for another month.
Abso-fucking-lutely not, Barb! Ow! What did you say? Did you just say we could stay, long as we want? Yup.
Yeah.
I thought so.
Now get the fuck in your tent before I glue your lips shut with my slow-drying man cement.
What a dick! Ray! Aight, Ricky, it's popped out the wall, dawg.
Slow down, dawg! We finally got it out.
Fuck, let's go.
Come on, man! That shit worked like a maf'k, hah? Shit.
Come on, T, grab an end, dawg.
Blah! Blah! Ray! It's mah-fucking heavy, too, ain't it? Ricky, that worked, dawg! - Right on.
Hurry up, boys! - Come on! Let's go! Get it in the fucking trunk! Let's go! Can we put it down? I need a rest, dawg.
Boys, what the fuck are you doing? Come on Taking a rest fuck out of here! Oh my Christ, this shit's heavy, dawg! Get in! Hurry up! You think she'll be that mad, Ricky? Does a bear shit on the pope? What? No, no one shits on the pope.
Good luck, buddy.
Maybe Ricky'll be able to talk his way out of it.
- Not this time, man.
- She's going to fucking snap.
Hide behind the trailer, boys.
Don't let them see us.
Trin, stay in the house.
Ricky, where the fuck have you been? You've been gone for almost two hours! Oh, what's in the trunk? Lucy, look what he did to your fucking car! The bumper's off! Oh, Ricky! Fucking idiot! I know, I know.
It's bad.
It's a fucking long story.
Holy shit! There's a safe in here, too.
What did you do? Calm down, all right? I went to pick up the pizzas and this fucking idiot backs into me and he's got no insurance, no money.
So he gave me the safe he had with him as payment.
That's your best story, huh? You're such a fucking idiot, Ricky! Why don't you blow me, Sarah? Why don't you fucking blow yourself 'cause Lucy's not going to anymore! You couldn't leave it for just one day? You couldn't just let it go? So some guy backed into you and he gave you a safe as payment? Is that that's your story? I know it sounds crazy but that's pretty much what the fuck You are so full of shit! I'm so sick of your lies! You want the truth, Lucy? The truth is, I don't even know what the fuck happened.
How about that? That's bullshit and I know what happened to Trin's wedding money.
You are such a selfish piece of shit! Lucy, what was done was done because I love this family.
Enough! Enough! All right? Tonight you're sleeping in the car, your fucking car! Fuck my tits with a fucking rainbow! That's what your mama said! Inappropriate timing.
Jesus, boys.
He's eating ground pizza.
Cock! Piece of shit! Fucking shit-tent! Nothin' I had to increase the allowable level.
But I'm still not feeling it.
Just go up another floor.
Ohh! Let's save a little bit for later.
Home sweet home.
Fuck off! Ahh Actually It's not all that bad, you know? So in the event there's only gold and silver in that thing, will this fancy-ass lawyer take that as payment or what? Ah, silver not so much but gold would do very, very nicely.
For him.
I think that's it, boys.
There, she just let go.
She let go.
Oh, my fuck! It's empty? Just wait.
It's not empty.
What is that, gold? No, it looks like somebody's whizzled old teeth.
Fuck! Well, that's a cobra strike to all of our erect wangs! Them shits must be Sam's old sluts that he jarred up right quick after he got them shiny joints up in he mouths, hah? Yeah but why the fuck would he leave his old teeth in his safe with nothing else in the mah-fucker? That is fucked! Teeth! This is cocked beyond fuck, boys.
I might have just lost my family over Sam's shit-covered cave teeth? Thanks, Julian.
Thanks, man.
Fuck! How's it going, Randy? Got a tip about a B&E that led us here.
You know anything about that, cutie pie? No, I don't.
Well, then we're going to have to go into the park and take a look around.
Unless, of course, you want to come for a drive and do a little downhill skiing.
Frig off! Nice try.
I'm not going downhill skiing with you guys.
I'm not a tenderized, marinated piece of meat that gets passed around for everyone to nibble on.
Fine, Randy.
Too bad.
Downhill skiing would have been fun.
Instead, we'll go see if we can throw a few of your low-life friends in jail.
Fuck, I hate losing.
Yeah, yeah, me too.
But I might have another option to help pay for this dragon slut of a trial.
And what's that? Done any acting? Acting? Yeah.
I'm no fucking Clint Eastwood, man.
I've never acted before.
I just mean pretending.
You see, I've got a client who's he's going bankrupt, and he's trying to pull an insurance scam.
There's no risk, it's a big score, a truck full of easy-to-pawn items.
It sounds too good to be true.
No, seriously.
The truck driver's in on it too.
He's taking a cut.
Look, you pull them over, you make it look like you're robbing them, you take off with the truck with everything in it.
It's easy-peasy.
Cops! Shut down the music.
Evening, guys.
Can I help you with something? You sure can, Julian.
We'd like to come in and take a look around.
You don't have a problem with that now, do you, big dog? B-b-b-b-b I assume you have a warrant, huh? Look who's here.
Super Lawyer.
Why you haven't been disbarred yet, I'll never know.
We don't need a warrant to walk through a public establishment.
Even you should know that.
Well, that would be true if said establishment was open for business.
But fortunately for Julian, it's closed tonight.
So in order for you to go in and have a look around before it opens in the morning, you do in fact need a search warrant.
This the way you want to play it, Julian? He's got nothing to hide.
He's just tired and wants to go to bed.
Know anything about the break-in down at The Denture King? I've been here all day, man.
Pretty funny actually, because whoever took the safe didn't realize it was empty.
I bet the look your face was priceless.
You mean the look on the person that took the safe's face.
I wasn't there, Ted! Sorry sorry, sorry Sorry, Julian.
I couldn't keep them out.
Why the fuck not? Because I'm not getting paid enough to do the the things that they want me to do to them to keep them out.
Do what things to them? Look, if you don't like the job I'm doing, find someone else.
When am I even going to get friggin' paid? Soon, Randy.
Soon? Yes, soon.
A nice accurate answer, Julian.
Friggin' soon.
Jesus Christ I wish this whole fucking park was private property, man.
Then the cops would need a warrant to even get through the front fucking gate.
Is that possible? You're goddamn right it is.
I mean there'd be some zoning issues Another grand.
But this whole place would be private fucking property.
Then we could basically do whatever the fuck we wanted in here.
Yes, you could, my friend.
All right.
Let's do it.
Yeah! Pull the trigger on that insurance scam, too.
I'll tell the boys about it.
All right, you got it.
Uh But that greasy bastard wants a thousand bucks up front for that too.
My hands are tied.
You understand.
All right, let's just do it.
All right! You owe me 10 bucks for that drink too.
Yeah, sure.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! Fuck.
Fuck off.