Trailer Park Boys s12e01 Episode Script

Chlamydia

This is a big night for me.
I finally did something on my own and it paid off.
That's why things got fucked up in the past, 'cause of fucking Julian and Bubbles.
I finally got myself learnt.
If you want something done right, you get it done by your own.
- Well, we helped a bit too, Ricky.
- Yeah man, we totally had your back, dude.
Will you shut the fuck up? Can't you see I'm talking here? Anyway, I got this incredible backdoor deal with one of the dispensaries in Halifax.
Cash money.
I'm done, I finally fucking did it.
Julian and Bubbles are probably going to be a little pissed off at first but I'm just gonna throw a massive party and that'll fix it.
Parties fix everything.
[rock music] [Ricky] Okay, boys.
Just up here past this treeline.
When we get there, no talking, no fucking around.
We get the plants cut down as fast as we fucking can and get out of here before that cock-sucking sun comes up, okay? - [Cory] Hells, yeah.
- [Jacob] Don't worry.
We got this, Ricky.
Thanks for bringing us to the harvest, eh? - [thud] - What the fuck was that? - Is that the fucking cops? - [Jacob] Cops? [click, gunshot] - [man] Surprise! - [Ricky] Fuck! Jesus Christ! Fuck! It's just a shotgun, boys.
Get the fuck up, you pussies! - Come on! - [Cory groaning] - Oh, dude - [engine revving] [Ricky] What the f Get back here! Fuck you! What the fuck you doing? Oh, my fuck! No! No! Oh, my fucking God! Guess I shouldn't be fucking surprised.
Hermit crab whore bitches! Why does God and the rest of the world keep fisting me up the fucking ass? - [gunshots] - Fuck! Fuck! [theme music] Oh, hey, fellas.
What's going on? Check out the new set-up.
Check this out, I sold my pizza sauce recipe to that fucked guy with the weird accent.
Reinvested every penny into making beer.
Look at this.
[giggles] Started off slow, but I'm making some fucking decent money at it now.
Look at that.
Green Bastard IPA.
Selling a ton of that to people in the park.
Business is booming.
It's booming, but I am under some fucking pressure today.
Ricky's making some kind of major announcement.
He's throwing a big party.
I've got to get this whole batch bottled up because he ordered 20 two-fours.
So it must be big fucking news.
I am pumped! Hey, Bubs.
[Bubbles] Hey, Julian.
How's the beer business treating you, buddy? Oh, it's fucking amazing.
It's fucking amazing.
Lot less work than hauling shopping carts and all.
Here, bend over.
I'll take your temperature.
[laughter] It's good that people are digging it, man.
- Yes, sir.
- You know what, I've been thinking.
Why don't you make a beer with my fucking name on it, and face? Yeah, I might be able to.
Might be able to.
Maybe make a protein beer.
- Call it Muscle Man.
- [sarcastic laugh] - That's real funny.
- Get it? So, what are your sales like, man? Are you making a profit or what? - My sales? - Yeah.
My sales are fucking great, actually, Julian.
I see where this is going.
- Where? - I see where this is Well, Bubbles is making money now.
- Bubbles is making money - [Julian sighs] So Julian's all of a sudden very interested in the beer business.
- Bubs, don't be an asshole.
- Let me guess.
- What? - You wanna be part of it now, too.
I just wanna make sure you're doing the right thing here and nobody's ripping you off, okay? Do you know the valuation of your company? Huh? [sighs] Do you know your profit margins on your sales each week? Look, don't try to Michael Wekerle me, bud.
Okay? I watch Dragon's Den too.
I know all these fucking terms you're using.
[sighs] Bubs, I'm fucked.
I'm broke, man.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I-I'm trying to go legit here, man, but I'm finding it very, very hard.
I had movie night last night with a chick.
She had to buy the fucking popcorn.
Do you know how embarrassing that is? Well, I told you.
You shouldn't be going to the movies.
It's a fucking rip-off.
Bubs, I was watching a movie in my trailer.
I couldn't afford fucking microwave popcorn.
- Like, this is bad, man.
- Oh, my God.
- I don't know - Julian, that's Here.
Just take that.
That's pathetic.
- I don't want your charity.
- Well, you need my charity, obviously.
Can't afford fucking popcorn.
You got another one of these? - No, I got that one! - [Ricky] Bubs! - And you should appreciate it.
- You got a Band-Aid, man? I can't get this donkey slut whore of a cut to stop bleeding! - It's driving me fucking nuts.
- Ricky! What in the fuck did you do to your arm? Uh well That fucking girlfriend of yours.
Finally tried to do you in, did she? [scoffs] I've been dating this girl Susan for four or five months, - it's been fucking great.
- [treadmill squeaking] I actually forgot how much I missed having someone to share everything with.
She is a bit hard to deal with at times, but the fucking sex is the best I've ever had in my life.
Like, insane! Like, it's so nuts that I've got to get back in shape.
I didn't realize how out of fucking shape I was till I started banging her.
This fucking thing is not fucking helping me! Come on [treadmill whirring erratically] [grunt] [powering down] Part of me is really happy for Ricky.
I think it's good, and I think he needs a girlfriend in his life.
But, to be honest, she scares me a little bit.
And by a little bit, I mean massively.
And I don't like the way she controls his mind without him even realizing it.
MKUltra styles.
Jesus fuck, Ricky, look at this thing! That is a nasty cut! - How in the fuck did you do this? - [exhales] Well, me and Cory and Jacob were roller blade skating, actually.
It was a fucking good time.
And we're flying along, and all a sudden, boom! Hit this patch of ground, and we go down.
We went down fucking hard.
Jacob got the worst of it.
It was fuck.
They shouldn't be allowed to make gravel! It's just not good for roller blade skating, let me tell you.
Yeah, "roller blade skating"? That's what you were doing? How and where would you guys even get fucking roller blades, first of all? Obviously, you stole them.
Ah! No.
No, we didn't steal them.
We got them at the, uh What's that new store? The I Rent Everything the guy opened up, or Fucking great idea buddy had.
Holy shit.
- The I Rent Everything store? - [Trinity] Dad? Why the fuck are there ball bearings in Jacob's chest? - What happened last night? - [Bubbles] What? [Ricky] Those aren't ball berries, they're fucking pieces of gravel from the roller blade skating accident we had.
[Trinity] Nice fucking try.
Tell me the truth! [Bubbles] Those are from a fucking shotgun shell.
Those are from a shotgun shell.
You got fucking shot again, Ricky! [Trinity] Don't fucking lie to me.
Okay, you know what? Trin? Boys? I'm fucking sorry, I've been keeping a secret from you guys the whole fucking summer.
I wasn't upgrading my Small Engine Repair Certificanation and I wasn't taking that fucking crane operator's course I told you about.
I was secretly growing dope by myself in the woods down by Billy Bastard's Bluff.
Dad Unbelievable, Ricky.
You fucking promised me! I know! I'm sorry! - But, I mean - [chuckle] It was fucking amazing.
I developed this new sativa strain with the head grower from that medical marijuana place in Moncton.
Fucking incredible! - Yeah - Had irrigation, 75 plants.
It was fucking beautiful! Some of them were eight feet high! - It was amazing! - Don't give a fuck, Ricky.
I had a one shot, back door cash deal.
Was gonna happen today.
I would have been fucking done for life.
Don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck.
Last night it all went to shit.
And yes, I did take Jacob and Cory with me.
That's on me.
But it wasn't supposed to go down like that.
When we got there to fucking cut down the plants, there were these other guys and they fucking stole all my weed and they shot us.
You are unbelievable! How could you take my husband, your son-in-law, on a job like that? Well, he did want to go.
He didn't have to.
He Oh yeah, it's his fault.
He wanted to go.
What if he wanted to fucking shove a rutabaga up your arse, Ricky? - Would you let him? - I don't even know what that is.
Why would you do this, man? And without us? - You guys could have been fucking killed.
- You know what, boys? I was this fucking close to being retired.
This fucking close! I'm gonna find out who stole the weed and fucking kill them! No, you're not! It's over.
The weed is gone.
Leave it.
I should have fucking known.
I should have known that the big announcement was gonna have something to do with illegal bullshit, Ricky.
Every fucking time.
No, that's that's not what the big huge announcement's gonna be at all.
It's something totally different.
Bigger than a fucking tiny little drug deal.
Okay.
Okay.
So there's still a big announcement, is there? And you still need all that beer? Yes, I do.
Big fucking announcement coming down the pipe.
Huge.
It's You're gonna Big announcement still coming, everybody! Big announcement! - It better be a fucking doozy, Ricky.
- It's gonna be a fucking major doozy.
You're so full of shit, man.
[Jim] We're finally getting out today.
You know, I hate this fucking despicable shit hole! Randy and I got nothing now.
We'll be starting over from scratch, but that's okay.
'Cause at least we won't be in here.
At least we'll have each other.
I love my Randy, my beautiful Randy.
The time in here has helped Mr.
Lahey and I get closer than we ever have been.
I don't think our love has ever been stronger.
I just hope he's okay in the head when we get out, that's all.
[door opening] [Randy] What do you want, Ted? We're free men now? [door shuts] [Ted] Rumour has it that you're going to try and make things difficult for me.
[Jim] Well, the truth will set you free, Ted.
[Ted] I'm gonna bet you won't.
In fact, I'm gonna bet you 50 grand.
[soft thud] That's for you screw-ups.
- Some "shut the hell up" money.
- [unzipping bag] That $400K we busted you guys with was supposed to go to the Crown Attorney under the Proceeds of Crime Act.
And it would have been locked up in an evidence room forever.
That didn't make sense to me.
Now, I'm not George Green.
Our department needed computers and forensics equipment, and a new cruiser.
Let's just say I made sure that that money stayed with the police station.
So, that just leaves you two jackasses as loose ends.
So, are we good here? Or am I gonna have to fake some charges and keep you two pea-brains in here a little longer? Oh, thanks a lot, Ted.
We're more than good.
Right, Mr.
Lahey? - Right, Randy.
- [zipping up bag] [Ted] You understand that this is hush money.
So not a goddamn word.
Or I'm going to destroy your lives.
[electronic beep] [man on PA] Cell six.
No beating off.
Terry, this is your last [door closing] Look at this fucking thing! I built this by my fucking self.
Like, check it out.
I've got a wicked kitchen set-up.
I've got my bedroom here, a nice flat screen TV.
Like, get the fuck in and check that out.
It's fucking amazing! All right, and come back here.
I got my downstairs bathroom here.
Got a bit of a bar in the trunk there.
And this is fucking wicked.
I built this for Moe for when he wants to sleep over.
He fucking loves it! All right.
Now check this upstairs out.
This is fucking badass.
Look at this fucking patio! I got a couple recliners here, blaster, TV fucking nice lamp.
I made that myself.
A little stool for Jacob because he doesn't need much, he's fucked.
And if you get too banged up up here, got a nice fucking urinal.
You can piss right here, like this, and it runs right down the hose into the fucking downstairs bathroom.
What do you think? Like, I am living like a fucking king! [Cory] Dude, this deck is awesome! I love it up here.
It's so badass.
Yeah, Ricky, it really is incredible.
I know how fucking great it is, okay? I built the fucking thing.
I know how awesome it is! But back to the big announcement.
It's gotta be something huge or I'm going to come across like I'm a fuck dummy.
Why don't you tell everyone you're dead? That's big, man.
But Cory, there's a problem with that, see I'm not dead, right? See where I'm going with this? What if you were running for President? There's nothing huger than that.
That's brilliant, Jacob.
Really believable, that I'm gonna run for fucking President of Canada! Okay, whatever it is, it has to be something huge and you gotta come in on like, with something big.
- [coughing] - You mean like a dump truck or something? Because that would be cool.
Yeah, dude.
Why the fuck did I even ask you two cock slingers to help? - You're too fucked! - Oh, how about an animal? Yeah, man.
Hey, something exotic.
Like a snow tiger.
You know what, an animal - [Jacob coughs] - might fucking do it.
But a fucking snow tiger, seriously? Where the fuck am I gonna get a snow tiger around here? It needs to be, like, an animal.
Something big.
But something we could get, like, locally.
Got it.
Steakmaker.
Yeah-h-h! What the fuck is a steakmaker? He means a cow.
A lot of people are calling them that these days.
Who? Who the fuck calls them that? People that are fucked in the head, that's who.
Oh, my fuck.
I've got it! You were fucking close, too! Something with four legs, eats grass and lives on a farm.
Spider.
No, not a fucking spider.
A spider has ten legs.
A fucking hornse! - Think about it, a hornse! It's beautiful! - Nice! Where did you even come up with that? Don't know.
Just popped in my fucking head.
What if it was a gift for Susan? That would make the announcement even bigger! Dude, what if it was an engagement gift for Susan? That makes the announcement even bigger-bigger! But I'm not fucking engaged to Susan, you fucking ass hamsters, am I? Yeah, but if you tell people you are, they'll believe you.
Imagine if you came in on an engagement horse.
Even better if you put a fake horn on that shit, it's an engagement unicorn horn.
Du-u-ude! That's fucking awesome! You know what, boys? It's fucking perfect.
I mean, not the unicorn shit.
That is completely fucked, Cory! But that would be a big fucking announcement.
A fucking engagement hornse.
Holy shit! This changes everything, Mr.
Lahey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, Ran-Ran-Bodingo-Man! Don't forget, when we go back to the park, Julian's gonna try to kill us.
Look, this money might be the answer to everything.
We could offer it to Julian.
Maybe he'd wipe the shit slate clean.
Seriously, sir? Never forget it's Julian's fault our lives are so frigged up.
- That's true.
- They did this to us.
And they didn't have to go to jail.
We did.
That's a very good point, my sexy little Ran-Man.
Well what if we offered him half the money? Look, we'd still have enough money to live comfortably for a long, long time, Randers.
What do you think, bud? You're right.
And then we'd have peace.
- Right.
- And a nest egg.
But we can never tell anybody about the money.
You promise? - I promise.
- We'd never be safe, Mr.
Lahey.
- That's a deal.
- [kiss] We should stop at the King.
- [engine starting] - [Ricky] That's right, go pick some fucking carrots.
Or whatever the fuck it is you do.
You idiots ready? Okay, go time, go time.
- Jesus Christ - [Cory] Sorry, dude! Get the fuck in there.
Go, go, go, go.
Oh, yeah.
This fucking thing right here.
Look at the fucking paint job on this thing's fur! It's beautiful! It's awesome.
- All right.
- [latch clicking] Let's get it the fuck out of here.
[whistling softly, snapping fingers] It's not moving, dude.
Well, fucking make it move.
- How do we make it move? - [whistling softly] You get in behind it and push.
Cory, you pull.
Come on, let's get this going, boys! We've got to get out of here! - Are you - I'm not sure that's a good idea.
I heard you're not supposed to stand behind a horse.
Shut the fuck up! No talking, okay? - Okay.
- Jacob, you push.
Cory, you pull.
- I'll help you, come on.
Jacob! - [horse whinnying] Push harder! Punch it in the fucking ass! Show it who's boss! - [high-pitched whinny] - [loud thud] - Ahh! - Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck! - Fuck, shit - It fucking hurts, boys.
Okay.
I'm fucking sorry, Jacob, but man, you're gonna have to get the fuck up.
We've got to get out of here.
Are you okay? I don't think I am.
Something's wrong with my neck.
It's fucking killing me.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Sorry, man! Cory, you help him.
I'll get the fucking hornse.
But once again, boys, I'm wondering why the fuck I brought you two cock lanterns on this! Fuck's sakes! [moaning] [Cory] Dude, man, that was just like the Kool-Aid man.
Except, like, way worse and shit because he knew what he was doing.
Oh my God [Jacob] Oh my God, guys, I need to go to the hospital here.
My neck's really fucking killing me.
Something's wrong.
Jacob, chill the fuck out, okay? It's probably just got a cank in it.
I'd be more worried about your ribs.
That horse kicked the fuck out of you.
Those are probably broken for sure.
Nothing you can do for broken ribs, so fuck going to the hospital.
You guys hungry? I'm fucking starving.
[moaning] Got Ricky's beer all bottled and ready to go.
I've got time now to make a few deliveries for some extra cash.
Did you get a good shot of the truck? Make sure you get a good shot of it.
Look, I've got the cape there.
Got the speakers, just like a little ice cream truck but for beer.
You know, the beersman.
Going awesome.
Donnie's been my number one customer.
Some people think this beer's a little bit strong, but Fuck, Donnie seems to - Oh, for fuck's sakes! - [Donnie screaming] Jesus! [Donnie] Are you fucking kidding me? I just had that fucking thing re-gravelled! Donnie, calm down.
I'll give you a free case to make up for it.
Oh, you're fucking right, you will! And you tell fucking Ricky I want those fucking chicken fingers replaced - he took last Friday - Donnie, fucking relax.
- Are you coming to the party? - I don't fucking know yet! Okay, bud.
Can you imagine, going around being that fucking angry all the time? He's gonna pop a blood vessel in his head.
Fuck's sakes! Hey, guys.
Hey, can you give us a break? We just got home.
We're trying to get our shit together here.
- Yeah, frig off, guys! - All right.
[tires squealing] [car door opening] It's about fucking time! I've been waiting a long goddamn time for this.
- Take it easy, Julian.
- Dreamin' of You take it easy! Calm down, we just wanna talk.
No, I wanna talk to you two fucking assholes! - Listen, Julian - Randy, I'll handle it.
Julian, a lot of crazy, crazy shit went down there.
Yeah, because of you two drunken fucking lunatics! - Yeah, well - You ruined my fucking life! Randy and I are willing to take full responsibility, Julian.
Oh, you're taking full responsibility, all right.
Yeah, because we feel terrible.
But we think we have a plan to make it all up to you.
- [scoffing] - Jim, shut the fuck up.
I'm calling the shots here.
- You took us for $400,000! - Right.
So this is what's gonna happen.
I'm taking half your wages for the rest of your fucking life - until you pay me back.
- Rest of our lives? You're lucky I don't fucking kill you right now, Randy! Are we clear? - Y yeah.
- Good! Wait a minute, Julian.
Calm down, it's just crazy talk, it's not fair.
Fuck you, Randy.
Just hear us out, we got a very generous offer Ra Ra Randy! Julian's given us his terms.
Thank you, Julian! Sorry, bud! [car drives off] [Tyrone] Yo, what up, what up, what up, y'all? Hope y'all having a good time.
Make some noise out there! [cheering] Yeah, y'all rocking with us, yo.
Hope y'all having a good time.
Yo, make some noise for my man, Ricky.
- [cheering] - [Ricky] Thanks, boys.
How the fuck's everyone doing today? - [cheering] - Right on.
Well, today is a monument-alous occasion for me and that's why I wanted everybody here.
How's everybody fucking doing? [cheering] You ready for the big fucking announcement? [cheering] All right.
Cory, Jacob, you're on.
It's time.
Check out this fucking thing.
Oh, my fuck! Are you joking, Ricky? That's the big announcement? You got a fucking horse? - [horse neighing] - Well, it's not for me, Bubs.
Isn't she beautiful? What a beautiful hornse.
Or is it a Does it have a cock, boys? Yeah, dude, it's got a huge one.
[Ricky] Actually, I guess it's a he, so Anyway, today, I want to give this beautiful hornse to the love of my life, Susan, and I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
So thanks again, everybody, for coming.
- [Bubbles] What? - What the fuck is he doing? Oh my fuck, Julian, this is bad.
This is bad! [Marguerite] What's the matter with you? You don't need a fucking horse, you five-star dummy! If she loves you and she wants to marry you, God help her, you don't need a fucking horse or anything else.
[Bubbles] Ricky, get the fuck down here right now! - Get down here.
- What's up, Bubs? - Well, what are you fucking doing? - What do you mean? You're getting enga Are you out of your fucking mind? You guys don't even fucking like each other.
You can't get married.
Like, all you do is fight and fucking bang.
And like, why would you even need this thing if you're getting engaged? Great idea, boys.
A fucking big animal.
Great one! Fuck, you guys Take this fucking thing back to the far the horse store.
Right the fuck now.
Get going! - [Cory] Okay.
- Nice one! Let's go, dude.
Watch out.
Watch out, dude.
It's a beautiful horse, but I mean, Ricky Jesus Murphy! You know what, though, Bubs, like I really do think that I love her enough.
And you know what they say, you know, good, hard, heavy banging should cancel out hard heavy arguing and fighting, right? Ricky, who in the fuck says that? Who says that? Okay, you know what Maybe a hornse was a bit much, gifty-wise, whatever.
Just wanted to show my future wife how much I loved her so I wanted it to be big, but I guess the real big news here is the engagement.
Right? [sighing] I guess.
I guess it is, Ricky.
Congratulations, I don't know I just want you to be happy, but that's fucked.
Yeah, me too, bud, but Here she is now, everyone! Thanks again for coming! - [Susan] Where is he? - [Ricky] Hey babe! [Susan] Oh, there he is! There's the whore hopping cock gobbler! You dirty fucking low-down lying bastard, fucking prick! You motherfucker! Where did you catch it, huh? From one of these rabie-pussy, fucking trashy trailer sluts? Well, who are you calling a trailer slut? - Susan, Susan - You want to bring it? Just calm the fuck down, please.
What the fuck are you talking about? Catch what? Catch what? Catch fucking what? - Chlamydia! Is catch the fuck what! - [crowd gasping] I'm kicked out of my fucking house because of you! You gave me an STD, you fucking piece of shit, you cheating, rotten, fucking shit-infused whore magnet.
We are fucking done! Fuck you! Fuck you! Susan, hold the fuck on here.
You listen the fuck to me right now.
I didn't bang anybody else.
Why would I? I love banging you! - Oh! - And you're fucking living with someone? What are you, married? No, not exactly but 16 fucking years, Ricky.
What the fuck, Susan? I thought we fucking loved each other or some shit here.
I was actually gonna ask you to fucking marry me today.
- That's why everyone's here.
- [laughing] Marry you? I'm fucking Marry you? Look at you! We were having an affair, you dumb dick.
It was low-down, good, dirty fucking sex and then you fucked it all up and ruined my fucking life, you dirty fucking slut.
All right, that's e-fucking-nough! You don't have to fucking hit Ricky - just because you have an STD! - Oh, right? So was it you? Yeah, it was fucking me, you stupid whore! [mixed screaming] Susan, I didn't fucking sleep with someone else.
So it is impossible that I gave it to you.
You must have banged someone else! Oh, fucking classic, Rick! Turn it around on me like you always do.
You know what, you are so fucked.
You're fucking stupid.
You're fucking overweight.
You dress like a fucking idiot.
You wanna know why, Ricky? - Why? - Because you're a fucking loser.
Fuck you, Ricky LaFleur.
You suck my fucking cock! [sobbing, indistinct yelling] Ricky, just let her fucking go.
- It's for the best, buddy.
- [Susan] Oh, you fucking suck it! [Marguerite] You're better off without her.
- You all right? - Yep, I'm fine.
You all right? Let's smoke a joint Smoke a joint, get drunk.
Come on, man.
Ricky [voice shaking] No.
Uh, I'm good.
- [tires squealing] - [Susan] Fucking piece of shit! - [music playing] - [Bubbles] Jesus, she is wild.
- She's fucking crazy.
- [Ricky] God fucking damn it, I'll just bend over again, and you can fucking decide what you want to shove in me this time! - Let's get the party going again - [cheering] - Everybody.
That was - [Ricky] God's little fuck toy! And what do you think, my sweet little goddess of liquor? You know, you have no idea how much I've missed you.
What's that? I totally agree! Why'd you pansy out, Mr.
Lahey? You should never have accepted those terms.
Giving up half of our wages is way more than 25 grand.
It's frigging ridiculous! You're just not seeing it, my beautiful Ran-Ran-Thank-You-Man.
Sit down! Look, me and the liquor, we've got it all figured out, bud! It's gonna take a long time for Julian to rack up $25,000 from our wages, right? So meanwhile, we can take the 25 that we were going to give that beautiful bastard, and we can double or triple it.
We just treat it like play money.
What are you talking about? How do we double or triple it? Horse track, baby! We just sit back and we let the liquor choose our horses! They've got a great canteen at the track.
Haven't changed the grease in years.
[calculator clicking] Well, as fucked as today was, I actually didn't do too fucking bad.
I'm surprised.
Just means I've got to sell more beer tomorrow, I guess.
- That's not too bad.
- [footsteps] Hey, buddy.
Listen man, can I borrow a few beer off you? I've got Skyler coming over.
She doesn't drink rum, she wants fucking beer.
So that's my Skyler's my fucking problem now? That's a nice wholesome name, too, Julian.
Where'd you meet her, at the church rally? Do you got any fucking beer for me? - Obviously I have beer! - Okay, all right, thank you.
- But the shit's not free to fucking make.
- No shit.
- It still costs money.
There's six.
- Bubs.
- Chill out, I'll get you the fuck back.
- Chill out? Well, how long do you plan on fucking living like this? It's just a few fucking beer, man! Oh, yeah, it's a few beer and then it's this Hey, boys.
I ran out of whisky.
Any chance you guys can lend me 20 bucks for booze? Need to get fucked out of my head, I'm only about quarter of the way.
Sorry, bud.
I got nothing.
And I'd get drunk with you tonight, but I got a chick coming over.
So It's cool.
I kinda wanna be by myself right now anyway.
Bubs, could you help me out, please? Jesus Christ's sweaty fucking balls, you guys are fucked! Both of youse.
Look out, Ricky.
Look out.
Here.
I'll give you a little bit of whisky 'cause I do feel bad for what happened to you today.
That was fucked.
But I think it's for the best.
I really do.
[exhaling] Boys, I've got to fucking get something off my chest here that's been building.
It's been building and I can't take it anymore.
Okay, listen.
I'll start off by saying I love you guys, okay? I always have and I always will.
- Love you too, buddy.
- Yeah, me too.
What the fuck's up? Just shut the fuck up! Shut your big muscular lips and listen for once.
I've got the floor.
Now this might sting a bit, boys, but it needs to be said.
Have you guys looked in the fucking mirror lately? Have you really looked in the mirror, like, went right up close and looked at yourself in the mirror? I haven't.
I don't like getting too close to mirrors.
They fucking scare me.
Feel like they're going to suck me right in or something.
Well, you should do it, Ricky, because it's fucking time to grow up.
Especially you two, 'cause we are getting fucking old, boys.
We're getting old, and we're getting out of shape and we're getting shitty looking.
We're getting shitty looking and you're not getting any younger, but what are you doing? You're breaking the law like you're fucking 17 years old.
Nothing's changing.
And who's benefiting from it? Nobody.
Well, I almost benefited today.
I was almost fucking retired, - when you think about it.
- You shut up too, Ricky, because you're not retired.
That's the fucking point I'm trying to make.
You're not retired, and you shouldn't have been fucking lying to us about growing dope.
That is bullshit.
That was bullshit, man.
I know, I'm sorry, it was dumb.
I should have told you guys.
You should have fucking told us! This is a fucking wake-up call right now, boys.
I'm telling you, because I'm already gone legit.
I've got legit things going on.
And you guys, I know how you fucking operate.
You've got no money now.
You're broke, and I know what that turns into.
The next thing you know, you're gonna be in jail forever.
You're gonna wind up in there for the rest of your lives.
Fucking in there, all alone, dying, looking shitty.
And when you're in there taking your last fucking breaths, Ricky, sucking in your last breath on earth, there's gonna be no family there and no Bubbles to hold your hand.
- Come on, Bubs.
- Don't fucking "come on" me.
It's true.
Like, if you guys fucking loved me as much as you say you do, then breaking the law is over for good.
That's it.
That's all I've got to say.
I want you guys to fucking think about that tonight.
Here, Ricky, you can finish that off.
Consider it thinkin' liquor.
Do you got any ice or mixers? Thanks, buddy.
Well, I hope you get banged, Julian.
Thanks.
[bottles clinking, ice rattling] [theme music] [seagulls squawking] [fish] Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! Fuck.
- [light clicks off] - [whispering] Fuck off.
Hope you enjoyed the episode