Trailer Park Boys s10e10 Episode Script

Looks Like the Liquor Wins

What the flying fuck are these guys doing here? It's been three weeks, man.
I told them to come.
Hey, boys.
Good to see you.
Just stay the fuck out of our way today, all right? Please.
They're going to be shooting Trin's wedding video for free, man.
Where the fuck is Jacob, man? He should be doing this shit! Probably working one of his seven jobs, I would assume.
Dickweed? Look, man.
You better not be a fucking cranky ass tomorrow, I'm telling you.
Well, it's kind of hard to be positive, Julian, when you know you're getting fucking evicted soon and and your best friend Look, man, I'm going to figure something out, Bubs.
Bubs, look at me.
Bubbles! Look at me! Listen, man.
I promise you, It's going to be okay.
What would Ricky want us to be doing right now? Wouldn't want us to be moping, and crying, and all that shit, man.
He'd want us to be getting drunk and high and celebrating that his daughter's getting married tomorrow.
And that's what the fuck we're going to do.
If he was here he'd probably be getting my belly too.
He'd definitely be getting your belly! Tiddle-liddle-liddle Tiddle-liddle Come on! Stop it.
Tiddle-liddle The past three weeks has been pretty hard on all of us.
Especially Bubbles.
And tomorrow it's going to be a very, very emotional day.
So the best thing I can do for Bubbles is to get him as drunk as fuck tonight.
It's hard to feel sad when you're hungover as fuck and feel like shit.
The drunker I can get him tonight, the better he's going to be tomorrow.
All right, you know what? What? Let's do this up the way Ricky would want it, then.
Fucking right Right, he wouldn't want this, you know, to be, like, a regular thing.
I know exactly what he would do to this.
He would want it to say that.
Nice! But it's missing something.
What? Bubs, come on! What would Ricky put on that? I don't Oh, Julian, I can't do that.
Yes, you can.
Ricky's been drawing cocks on things since friggin' grade two.
I've had then all over my face, across my back, behind my ears.
Places I can't even see.
He even burnt one into me with a soldering iron when we were nine years old.
You can still see the scar.
He wrote "cockpit" under it.
What do you think? It's kind of small, man.
You can't even see it.
Put a couple more on there.
Ricky thinks small cocks are funnier.
Yeah, but he'd probably put a few more on there.
How many cocks would you prefer, Julian? I don't know.
Three or four.
You would like three or four cocks, would you? Just put them all over the place, man.
The more cocks the merrier, bud, The more cocks the merrier, eh? Would you fuck off! You said you wanted three or four cocks! Just listen, listen, just put the cocks on there and put it on the car.
Julian wants three or four cocks! Just take your block off, man.
This is This is awesome! Check it.
I'm fucking stuck in the corner.
This is the best day life, man! Right on, bro.
Ohh Hey, when do you expect folks to start arriving? I don't know.
For what? Stag party, dude.
Today's my stag! I know, man.
It's awesome.
It's the best! Well, and you're my best man.
So Oh man, you're my best man, too.
That's so awesome.
No, I mean, like, best man best man, you know? Best man times two! Double it, baby! Boom! Oh, shit.
No, Cory, the best man's supposed to invite a bunch of guys to come over and party with us, you know? And I get lap dances, and drink till I puke.
Fucking awesome! Okay, cool.
I'll If that's what you want, dude, hey, best man right here, man.
I got this.
It's going to be awesome, man! Hey Glue fist! Hey, Mr.
Lahey! Hi, Randers.
I've got a surprise for you, buddy.
Check that out.
Oh! Whoa! I spent 10 hours making that.
Nice! Randy, can I offer you a little drinkie-poo? Mr.
Lahey! What? I spent a lot of time making this.
It's so you can get your paper route back.
I don't want my paper route back, Randy.
What do you mean? You used to love that paper route.
I don't love anything anymore, Randy.
Lahey, it wasn't your fault.
Well, maybe it wasn't, but I should be in jail along with Leslie Dancer.
I'm going to get this one.
You suck! I was aiming for that cup, okay.
I wonder what Jacob is doing right now.
Knowing those boys, he's probably in a strip club getting titty shots.
Jacob would piss his pants and go into convulsions if he got a titty shot! Here.
Shots! Hey, Mom Mom! What are you thinking about? I'm just thinking about how, like, your dad used to really love titty shots.
And like When I was still working at the Aristocrat, when I was dancing there, once he ordered 47 just to, like, impress me and it worked.
Luce, you promised.
I know I know! Let's get wasted, girls! Whoo! - Hello? - Hey! Lucy! Barb, you look like a girl who wants to have a shot of tequila.
Ah, no.
No, no.
I couldn't.
Come on, Barb.
You can stay.
No! I have got too many errands to do.
I just dropped by to bring you the marriage license! Barb's been really great through this whole Ricky ordeal, like Without her, I don't know what Trin and the baby and I would have done, honestly.
She's been a fucking star.
Why is Lucy being so nice to Barb? Like yeah, I know, Barb said Lucy could stay in the park for as long as she wants to.
Well, that's Lucy.
What about the rest of us who've lived here our entire lives? We're just supposed to leave the park? Barb is a straight-up bitch.
You know what? One shot won't kill you.
No! One shot leads to a whole bottle and then I am back in the prison in Yarmouth.
Finger blasting for cigarettes.
I'm on the patch, Sarah.
Being in jail was fun at times.
I'm not going to lie, but, when something major happens, like Ricky getting shot, you realize who your friends are, and why.
And Candy and Donna? Not my friends.
What matters to me now is this park.
This park is everything.
Hi, Jim.
To what do we owe the pleasure, Barb? Umm, well, I, uh, I wanted to bring you this.
It's it's 51% ownership of of the park.
It is rightfully yours, Jim.
I don't want it, Barb.
Jim Jim, are you sure? Look My life's perfect right here.
I don't need anything else.
Well, if you're if you're sure.
Good luck.
Oh, Jim.
Jim, I am so sorry for for my part in all of this.
I never should have threatened you the way I did.
Sorry, Barb.
You were right.
Men shouldn't keep secrets.
Man, how the fuck did he do this? Ricky could roll one of these while driving, smoking and eating a bucket of chicken, fuck's sakes.
I give up.
I can't do it.
I miss that white boy, you know I mean? Give me that shit.
I'll do it, man.
Please, T.
Thank you.
Roll a few of 'em, man.
Man, that's depressing.
I ain't feel like this since, remember The Green Mile, when that big bald motherfucker had bugs coming out he moufs? It's the same felling.
That movie's killing, man.
Fucking rights.
Bubs, get over here and do some shots, man.
You're depressing the fuck out of us.
Oh, fuck! Pardon me, Julian.
Pardon me.
I didn't know we were having a big fucking celebration here today.
Bubbles, you ain't havin' no troubles.
Slow down on the liquor, dawg.
I'm letting the liquor do the thinking.
Isn't that what Lahey does? Hey, am I Lahey drunk? You're getting there.
Okay, maybe I should just start pissing all over No, no, no don't be pissing in my bar, Bubs.
Pull up your fly.
Bubs, pull up your fucking fly! I'll piss wherever the fuck I want to piss.
How about that? Yeah, best man, dude! Hey, there he is.
Jacob, get back here, man.
Drinks on the house buddy.
Get out your wallet, you're paying for these.
Why am I paying for them? Because you're the best man, that's why.
Oh, so the best man pays for drinks, he pays for gay dudes.
He pays for everything.
He'll probably pay for my own death or something.
I don't Gay dudes? What are you talking about, gay dudes? Hey man, he wants a bunch of guys to come over and give him lap dances and strip.
I don't think I asked for that, Cory.
I'm not even gay.
Cory, that doesn't even fucking make sense.
Why would the man want to sit around smashing pissers on his stag party.
I don't know, man.
I don't judge.
I didn't ask.
Cory, you're worst best man I've ever seen in my life.
Hey, Tony.
It's Julian.
Yeah, you got Dazzle and that other one working tonight? What's her name? The one that gets the grinding going real good.
Yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! They are? Right on.
- Send them over.
- Ray! Jacob 'bout to get he wood carved, y'all! - Yeah! - Blop! Cheers, boys! Cheers.
Get his wood carved He means his bird.
This is probably gonna be the last time I get a chance to say anything to you, Ricky.
And I want to get something off my chest.
It's not an apology.
I'm not saying I'm sorry or anything but I mean, the truth is, you never had a fucking chance.
The shit apple does not fall far from You know, Ricky sometimes it's not quite clear why people people do what they do.
I mean, life is a strange fucking kettle of shit fish.
Like why your your mom left Sunnyvale after you were born.
And why your father and I were mortal fucking enemies.
And why I why I made your life miserable ever since you were just a little boy.
Why? Because, I mean, things like this should only happen in the Bible.
A man shoots his only son.
"You're sick.
Smoke this when you're feeling better.
" Look at that, Rick.
Someone sent you a fucking joint, bud.
Isn't that something? Father and son.
You you smoking fucking dope, and me drinking alcohol.
Well, Ricky, here's a toast to you, bud.
To my only son.
Hey looks like the liquor wins, bud.
Fucking piece of shit! Doctor Bender to the mental ward, please.
Doctor Bender.
Cory! Get the fucking dirty old meat trays off the father of the bride! Well, you said to put it somewhere they won't get it.
Yeah well, you're not going to put it right on him.
Use your And you've got honey mustard on his cumber-bun! I'm trying to make him look presentable here.
Sorry, dude.
Use your fucking brains! Thanks, Bubbles.
George, the meat is for friends and family only.
And last time I checked, you were neither.
I'm sorry.
Um, I don't need the meat anyway.
Any vegetables around? Other than, uh you know.
Oh, you dirty cocksucker! Go ahead! Go ahead.
Assault a police officer.
Ruin Trin's wedding.
What the fuck are you even doing here? Nobody wants you here.
Well, you know, just here to offer some support to Lucy in these troubling times.
She might need a shoulder to cry on a little later.
She's drunk.
Greasy bastard.
Don't even listen to him, Ricky.
You look good, bud.
Oh my God, you look beautiful, Trin! I'm so proud of you, sweetie.
- Ricky would have been too.
- I know.
How are you? Oh, Trinity, you look so beautiful! Are you nervous, honey? Not really.
- Barb - Julian.
Can I talk to you for a second, please? Julian, I really don't think that we have very much one second.
To say to each other.
Look, I'm sorry, all right? And I know you have every right to evict everybody from the park.
Mmm! But it's my fucking fault.
I take full blame for everything.
So, please, don't ruin everyone else's lives because you're pissed off at me.
Evict me, okay? Let everybody else stay.
Julian, come on.
Let's go.
I want to get married! All set, sweetie? Yeah.
Okay, let's get this show on the road before we get kicked out of here.
- I agree.
- Okay.
So, everyone knows that Rick's not really into big church-y weddings and so Trin and I thought we'd keep things short and simple.
J-Roc, T Three, four Here comes the bride Motherfucker! Here comes the bride Eer-a Motherfucker! Here comes the bride Hah, motherfucker! Here comes the bride Hah, motherfucker! Here comes Here she come, Here she come, wha! Hah! Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Jacob and Trinity in holy matrimony a Oh, sorry.
Uh, is this a bad time? I just need one second.
I've got to switch out the bed pans.
Usually we'd use a catheter, but this guy's got a huge urethra! - We call him the garden hose.
- Okay Whoa! That is a lot of piss! Just get it the fuck out of here! Sorry.
Um carry on.
Right, where were we? Um, Jacob, do you take Trinity to be your lawfully wedded wife? I guess I could.
I was really hoping to marry her, though.
Isn't that what we're here for? Just say yes, Jacob.
And, Trinity, do you take Jacob to be your lawfully wedded husband? I do.
Cory, may I have the rings, please? Oh, yeah, they're right here.
Here they are.
They're good too.
Cory, the fucking wedding rings! Oh, yeah, that's cool.
I left them in a safe place.
Where the fuck is that? - At the trailer park.
- Oh, Cory We need the fucking things now, Cory! Do you want me to go get them? Jesus Christ Well, could we use those? Well technically I suppose they are actually rings.
Right! And Ah, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Wah! Braa, braa! You know what? If Ricky was awake, he'd light this big, dirty bastard up and he'd say, "Let's fucking party all day", and that's what we're doing! We're partying with Ricky all day! That's for you, old buddy.
What's that? Bubs, the smoke is probably fucking up the machines, man.
I don't think it was.
Hear that? I know that sound.
Sounds like he's clacking.
- Clacking? - I think he's clacking.
Clacking's this thing that fellas can do.
You know, you get your you get your hips going like that.
You know, and your unit's going like that, clack, clack, clack all over the place.
Ricky was the best one at it.
Nobody could out-clack Ricky.
I mean, you tell him any Top 40 song and he could clack it right to you.
On key! He is clacking! The dope's making his brain go! Oh, my God! Everybody, get your dope and light up quick! Let's go! Pull out the hose, we'll reverse hookah! Big hauls, Bubs, big hauls.
He's still doing it.
Let's go, let's go, everybody! Blow into it! Let's go! - Ricky! - He opened his eyes! Oh! Rick! Ricky! Holy fuck, that's killer weed! Oh my God, you're alive! Ricky Oh my God.
What the fuck is going on here? Where's Snoop? He must be fucked! Ricky, he was gone long ago, man.
You've been in a coma for three weeks, buddy.
No brain activity at all, Ricky! You just needed a jump-start! He's like an old truck! Ricky! What the fuck are you doing? What are you hugging me for? I'm hugging you because because - I love you! - There, I said it! You love me? What do you mean you love me? Are you crying? I love you, Ricky.
I love you like a brother.
I don't like you at all, but I love you.
People say that you don't really know what you have until it's gone, and maybe it almost took you being gone for me to realize it, but I love you.
Randy, you better calm the fuck down.
In fact I love all of you.
We get in these stupid frigging fights over stupid little things, and sometimes it makes us forget about the bigger picture, the bigger things in life.
You know what? We're all family, whether you like it or not! Beautiful speech, Randy.
Very beautiful.
Come on, Barb, what do you say? Can we just make Sunnyvale like it used to be? Please, Barb, don't evict us.
I I don't know, I Sunnyvale Sunnyvale needs a fresh start.
You're right.
It does need a fresh start, but this is Sunnyvale here, Barb.
Give them all a fresh start.
Come on! Please? Well Well, I guess maybe I could I could consider it.
Under certain conditions.
All right! Oh, my God, is my daughter married? Well, let's go back to Sunnyvale and get high and drunk as fuck! We've got a wedding reception to put on here! There's a voice That keeps on calling me Down the road Where I always seem to be And every stop I make I see my old friend It ain't long till I get spun 'round And I'm gone again Maybe tomorrow My whole world'll settle down But it ain't tomorrow So I keep moving on I'm down a road That never seems to end Full of track lines and rails And lies around each bend So if you're gonna join me For a while Better grab your hat, you know I live like that Kind of hobo style Maybe tomorrow I'll want to settle down It ain't tomorrow So this old world's still my home And I got my whole world Waiting to unfold In a Ziploc bag Where I can drag out this worn-down soul And I made it through so far So I know it won't be long I must be almost there, already paid my fare With this hobo song And maybe tomorrow My god'll help me settle down But it ain't tomorrow So I guess I'll keep moving on Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! Fuck.
Fuck off.