Trailer Park Boys s12e07 Episode Script
Big Cock
1 Boys.
Hey, Julian.
Where have you been? I was just running around, man.
Okay, well, I think this is the final tweak.
No way.
I think this is the final tweak right here.
I just want to make a toast to the two best friends and the two best business partners a guy could ever have.
Let this be the final one.
- Here, Ricky.
- Looks pretty clear, man.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Oh, it's clear.
It's clear as fuck.
- It smells fucking good.
- [exhalation.]
All right! Let's try it out.
- [Bubbles.]
Come on, baby.
- Excited.
Come on, baby.
Holy fuck, that's smooth, man! That is fucking delicious! - Yes! - Awesome! Yes! I've been workin' with Ricky and Julian non-stop on this beer and I've gotta say it's been the greatest time of my life.
There's no illegal stuff, no fucking bullshit; Everybody's pulling their weight.
The boys actually kept their fucking word.
[voice breaking.]
And I've never been more proud of them.
It's been really, really hard not breaking the law, but we promised Bubbles we wouldn't and we're sticking to it.
Other than picking a few magic mushrooms under the trailers and [exhaling.]
Selling them for a bit of grocery money here and there, I'm 100% on the straight of narrow.
And it feels really good not having secrets.
I mean, well, other than what I just told you guys, but just keep that to yourselves.
[Julian.]
It's been actually pretty cool working for Bubs and, you know, just sitting back and letting him run things for once.
I've been working as a sales rep, and I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but I just locked in a deal with the Legion to supply them with beer for the provincial dart championship coming up.
That's 60 cases.
I mean, that's fucking massive for us.
And I did it.
Hm.
To Julian, and to 60 cases! Let this be the start of many more fucking deals to come! - Fuck yeah.
- Way to go, Julian! Boys, it's not just me, okay? It's all of us.
We're a team.
We should probably fucking include Big Hawk in this too.
[laughing.]
The guy you did the deal with, that's his fucking name or is that a nickname? - It's his fucking nickname, obviously.
- Well, it's a fucked name either way.
All right, to Big Hawk! All right.
- Big Hawk.
- Fuck that is smooth.
That's like a [Julian.]
Boys, speaking of names, I've been thinking about this all fucking night, you know.
Check this out Freedom 35.
- That's what the beer should be called.
- [Ricky scoffing.]
No, think, boys.
It's something we've been trying to achieve our entire lives and because of this fucking beer, I think we're finally gonna make it this time.
- It's perfect.
- No, it's dumb.
It's a dumb fucking name.
It's not a dumb name, Ricky.
Dumb's not the word.
But, Julian, it's fucking huge decision.
So you know, maybe we should think about it, get consensus amongst the board of directors.
It's actually kind of too late.
I think it's fucking perfect.
Here, check these out.
Holy fuck! - [Ricky.]
Those are nice.
- That's the logo? [Julian.]
And check out this shirt, buddy.
Oh We have uniforms, boys.
- [Bubbles.]
It's got my name on it! - Yep.
I never had a shirt with my name on it before.
That's fucking badass.
Decent! - You know what, Julian? - What? - I do love it.
- Thank you.
- I think it's fucking perfect.
- So do I.
Freedom 35, that's the name.
I love it! If you guys like it, I guess, but, if it's gonna have a shitty name, it's gonna have to have a fucking kick-ass fucking slogan.
I already thought of that.
Check this out: "Freedom 35.
Drink the dream.
" Oh yeah, that's really fucking catchy.
- It's not - What? [Bubbles.]
It's not bad, Ricky.
But you know, Julian, I think slogans should be a little more, you know, developed.
How about this? "Freedom 35.
This is what freedom tastes like.
" - Eh? - All right, okay That's gonna look good on the box.
No, they both fucking suck, actually.
You guys clearly know nothing about markeling.
Okay, what do you fucking think then, genius? It's just got to be simple and basic.
Like all right.
"Freedom 35.
Drink our beer.
" - It's kind of right on the nose.
- [Ricky gurgling, spitting.]
- Ricky! - Ricky! Fuck! Here, you're getting it on your uniform.
All over my new uniform! All over my fucking joint! Now it's gotta be laundered.
[theme music.]
- Do you like it hard or soft? - Ricky! Hard or soft? - Would you fuck off? - Was that too much? - I'm just fucking around, Bubs.
- I'm trying to fucking focus here.
Okay, no, I'm not gonna bug you.
It's all good.
Rick, put the beer cock down and stop fucking around, okay? We've got a big day ahead of us.
- We all need to be focused.
- No shit! Don't worry about me.
I'm fucking razor-focused, bud.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
What's the plan, then? We gotta get all the fucking shit done, boys! Yeah! Wrong.
Just to be clear again, we've gotta go to Reggie's, pick up all the bottles, - get back here, do all the bottling - I know.
All the labelling, and get to the Legion for 5:00 or else Big Hawk's gonna be pissed off, and so will I.
So let's get this done.
That's pretty much what I fucking said, Julian.
No, it isn't.
- You all set, Bubs? - Yes.
Just remember, I've got no power steering, no power brakes.
Take it fucking easy.
We were able to buy my truck back from the pawn shop, except the dirty cocksucker that runs the place sold the goddamn engine out of it.
But, not a big deal.
You know, if the business keeps growing the way it has been, I'll be able to put a brand new engine in it someday.
Hopefully.
- Here we go.
- [engine roaring.]
Ricky, Ricky! Slow the fuck down All right, and we're off.
[singing William Tell Overture.]
Randy, you've got to admit, bud, you've got a gift.
And I'm telling you, we go back to that track, you use your old fucking noggin, we're gonna win back all the money we lost, bud.
We? You lost the money.
We talked about this.
We're never going back to the track again.
If you go back to the track, you're gonna lose.
At the horses and me, Mr.
Lahey.
Randy [George.]
Gentlemen! I took the liberty of making a few purchases, for the company.
I see.
We're gonna have to up the surveillance if we're gonna take those guys down.
Who said anything about taking those guys down? Since Julian got out, they haven't even been frigging with us.
Sorry.
Am I missing something here? Yeah, George, maybe you are missing something.
'Cause every time we kick the old shit hive, the old fucking shit bees swarm the shit out of us.
Yeah.
George, we're really not interested.
- Just let them make their beer.
- Please.
Tell me you two don't actually believe that all they're doing down there is making beer? Please tell me you're not that stupid! You're always talking about shit, Jim.
Why don't you wake the fuck up and smell it for once? Goddamn idiots! We've got a problem, Rands.
What the fuck is that? I don't know, it's some kind of robot thingy.
Hey, the Reg! 'Sup, buddy? Ricky! How you doing, you old ostrich fucker? - [Julian chuckles.]
- Please tell me you are packing some of those fucking mushrooms, bro.
I got so fucked up on those things, I could have sucked the cock off a crocodile.
- [Ricky clearing throat.]
- What mushrooms are you talking about? 'Shrooms? Must have got those from somebody else.
I haven't had 'shrooms in a fucking long time.
Like, years.
[Julian.]
Think we can grab those fucking bottles? We're in a bit of a rush, Reg.
- Yeah.
No bottles.
- What? Crushed the shit out of those bottles.
What? What the fuck do you mean? Yeah, I was tripping on them 'shrooms, bro, and I I got on the old front-end loader and, uh well, I was like a Tyrannosaurus rex fucking a goat up there.
- [Ricky laughing.]
- Pretty much trashed the whole yard.
Oh, yeah? Okay, so we're fucked then! This is great.
Oh, you know calm down, buddy.
I mean.
I feel slightly responsible here.
It's Why don't you go up to the recycling people? They've got a shit-ton of bottles up there.
Jesus Christ, Reg, we were coming to you because you said you'd front them and we'd get you back later.
This is fucking great, Julian! This is great.
There's no way we can do this by 5:00 now! We're fucked! Hey, hey, calm down.
We can still do it on 5:00.
[panting.]
How, Ricky? A fucking good, old-fashioned bottle drive, that's how.
I'll round up my hockey kids.
We can fucking do this.
Okay.
Let's go, Julian.
Let's get it going.
Right now.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
- Bottle drive.
- Ride with me.
We'll figure this out.
So dude, seriously.
[clearing throat.]
You can get your hands on some of those mushrooms though? [coughs.]
I've got a shit-ton of them.
I've gotta keep it on the fucking down low.
I've got some guys.
We can move that shit, buddy.
- Let's do a deal.
Come on.
- I can't do it.
Like, it's it's kind of like my retirement or whatever.
I can sell a little for some money when I need it, but I can't get into anything illegal.
I promised Bubbles.
- Tiger teabaggin' - [Bubbles.]
Honk, honk! - I'm coming! - Let's go, Ricky! You said bottle drive, not bottle sit-in-the-fucking-junkyard- where-there's-no-bottles! I get it.
'Cause your fucking crazy friend smashed them, high on mushrooms! [sigh.]
All right, look, if you change your mind, I got some Japanese.
They will pay top yen for this kind of good shit.
- Don't forget that.
- Top what? Top yen, baby.
Top yen.
It's good yen.
- Top yen? - Yen's good.
- What's a top - Top yen.
- Okay.
- Yung chow yen.
[Bubbles.]
Hon-n-n-nk! Seriously, tiger teabaggin' fucker.
You know what "can't" means to Reggie? - What? - It means "can.
" [engine ignition.]
[Ricky.]
All right kids, let's get some bottles.
And follow my leaf, let me do the talking, 'cause rich people are fucked.
[knocking at door.]
How you doing, darling? We're on a bottle drive, trying to raise some money for these poor little girls.
They need braces.
Their teeth are fucked.
Got anything you can help us out with? - No! Please get off my property.
- What the fuck? - [door closing.]
- Thanks for your cock-sucking support! Fucking rich people.
They make me sick! [Julian knocking at door.]
Hey, bud.
I'm just raising money for the kids.
Uh, do you got any empty beer bottles kicking around? - [man grunts.]
- No? What about full ones? Mm-hmm.
You got any fucking booze here that you don't want? - Mm-hmm.
- No? [Bubbles.]
Oh, for fuck's sakes! - Fuck off, then.
- That sucks.
- Julian.
- What? We're trying to get empty bottles, not bottles of liquor.
Bubs, I didn't know this was gonna take so fucking long, okay? Let's just move it on to the next house.
Let's go.
How's it going? I'm just doing a little bottle drive, trying to get some empties.
We're actually trying to raise money for little Darren here.
He needs eyes.
They're falling out.
He caughtched a disease.
You got anything here? [woman.]
No, sorry.
Can't help you.
- This blows.
- This isn't working.
I know, because everyone in this fucking neighbourhood is a fucking asshole! A full case! Aren't you just a little angel sent from heaven.
Thank you, ma'am.
[girl.]
You have yourself a wonderful day.
All right.
Let's go.
- [giggle.]
- [box creaking.]
- [glass shattering.]
- You s stupid son of a - [woman.]
I'll just go grab a broom.
- Sorry, it was an accident! No, I didn't mean you.
I meant the box.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- [clinking.]
Sorry about that.
It's not a big deal.
Let's just let's just go.
[whispering.]
Let's just go.
- [Ricky knocking at door.]
- [dog barking.]
How's it going? Just on a little bottle drive here, trying to raise some money for little Darren.
He needs a new heart, new lungs, new veins.
It's a mess.
My organs are totally fucked.
That's right.
Can you help us out? - Pathetic.
What are you doing? - Oh, that's nice.
That's just fucking What the fuck is wrong with the people in this fucking neighbourhood? [Julian.]
We got fuck all, Bubs.
How'd you guys make out? Well, not good, Julian.
I mean, what are we gonna do here? There's no way we're gonna get enough to bottle up 60 cases.
This neighbourhood sucks buffalo balls.
We could be screwed here.
It's a lot harder than it used to be.
Do any of your dads fucking drink a lot, kids? Oh! My dad's an alcoholic, and both of my uncles are too! They live with us.
- Do you have a lot of empties there? - Yeah, the whole shed's full! - Ah - Oh, my God.
Ronnie, there's only one word right now that works for me to call you and I'm not allowed to use that word anymore.
I'm gonna have to make up a new one.
Are you fucking de-tarded? You can't say that.
It still means the same thing! It means the same thing but it's not a bad word, right? Well, then in that case, you're ducked in the head.
That means fucked in the head, dummy.
Okay.
I know what it is.
Everybody shut the fuck up.
Get the fuck in the cars.
We're getting out of here.
[girl.]
My God, the language.
[Ricky.]
Where the fuck do you live, Ronnie? [Bubbles.]
Holy fuck, we did it boys, we did it.
Fucking rights, we did.
Look at all these fucking things.
There has to be enough here for 60 cases, isn't there? 60? Ricky, we could make 80 cases with the bottles here.
You had the fucking idea.
- You saved the day, bud.
- Fucking right, buddy.
No matter how fucked things get, if you just use your brain, you can accomplish anything.
Yeah.
Just be careful, Ricky.
I got this.
Top of my game, buddy.
Ricky! Ricky! [clattering.]
Jesus Murph Ricky! [Ricky.]
Who the fuck built those steps all crooked? You went down like the ten chocolate layer cakes guy from Sesame Street.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
A little dizzy though, boys.
And my fucking head feels like it's sweating all of a sudden for some reason.
- Ricky - Still got my fucking joint though.
- Ricky - Holy fuck.
- [grunting.]
- Ricky uh-oh.
That's fucking weird.
Why the fuck is my sweat red, boys? I'm gonna have to go take a piss or something.
- Ricky - [thud.]
Good job, Ronnie.
Keep 'em flowing.
Normally I wouldn't allow the kids anywhere near the open liquor bottling stage like this.
But a lot of the bottles we got from Ronnie's place, they're full of old cigarette butts and loogies, even [whispering.]
prophylactics.
So I just thought it was better to just put Cory and Jacob on that station.
This beer's fucking delicious.
Jesus Murphy! Can you guys not show that, please? Maybe just cut that off? We're gonna have to hurry up with this.
We're running out of time here.
Can you just hold still, please? - This isn't working.
- It's still bleeding, Dad.
It's just a little cut.
Jacob, hurry the fuck up with the duct tape, would you? Here, Ricky.
I don't think it's gonna stop the bleeding though.
Correct.
It won't, Jacob.
Gonna have to borrow part of your shirt too, bud.
- Good thinking, dude.
- Nice.
[loud music playing on car stereo.]
[engine revving, brakes squeaking.]
[Ricky.]
Hey! Well, if it isn't three of the most fucked people in the world! [Tommy.]
Hey, Ricky! Long time no fucking see, man.
What the fuck are you doing with that Band-Aid? [Ricky.]
Just getting ready to ram it right up your ass.
Hey, word on the street, man, is you're sitting on a shit-ton of 'shroomies.
- Now, is that true? - Is that right? Well, I'm standing as you can fucking see, so I guess it's not true, is it? [laughs.]
That's cute, man, but you see, Reggie told me.
He says you got a whole bunch.
We'd be real interested to take them off your hands, - if you know what I mean.
- No idea what you're talking about, bud.
Are you saying Reggie's a liar? Is that what you're fucking saying here? No.
I said I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
- Call it whatever the fuck you want.
- Look man, will you just fucking listen to me for a second, all right? Now Terry and Dennis here got a really good connection back in J-A-fucking-pan, man, and we wanna make 'em happy.
So if you are sitting on a shit-ton of 'shroomies, let's say it'd be in your best interest to work out a deal with us now.
Really? Okay.
How about this deal: Get the fuck back in your car and fuck the fuck off to wherever you fucked on from.
- All right.
That's what we'll do.
- Perfect.
- No problem, man.
- All right.
No problem at all.
It's very unfortunate for you, but not a big fucking deal, Ricky.
[car doors opening.]
What the fuck is that opposed to mean? Unfortunate for me? [car doors closing.]
[George.]
High-res surveillance.
This thing flies high enough that the boys are none the wiser.
I wish I had this fucking thing years ago, Randers! Fuck, George, this is really impressive! I think we can be pretty confident that there's something illegal going on there.
Wouldn't you say, guys? We don't know that for sure.
Plus we already told you that we're not interested if they are.
Right.
That's Tommy Rector, aka Tommy Bean, but I don't recognize the other two.
Well, I do.
That's Dennis and Terry.
Those are Cyrus' old shit buddies.
The last time they were in the park, they shot it up real fucking good with machine guns.
Well, let's see where they're going, shall we? Wait you can follow them out of the park? Seven kilometre range, Jim.
I don't think we should be following them out of the park, Ge Randy! Ricky, was that Tommy Bean? Yep.
And Dennis and Terry were with him too.
What? What the fuck did they want? Fucking Reggie told them I had a shit-ton of mushrooms.
They were here to buy them.
All of them, one-shot deal.
What do you mean all of them? I mean, you don't got any, right? - [Ricky grunts.]
- Ricky? - My fuck, Ricky! - All right, Julian, I'm gonna be totally fucking honest with you.
Cory and Jacob managed to get their hands on a few, that I took, and I've been selling just enough for grocery money for my family, - which makes it not illegal.
- Oh, for fuck's sakes, Ricky! How many's a few? [Bubbles.]
All right, boys.
The last labels are just going on.
Let's get these dirty whores on the truck and get the fuck to the Legion.
Hee-hee Michael Jackson! Bubbles is gonna lose his goddamn fucking mind! Don't tell him.
"Don't tell him" Fuck's sakes, Ricky.
[buckles clicking.]
Okay, boys, we're ready to rock.
Nice.
Look, I know I keep getting emotional and everything, but - let's go with the hugs.
- Bubs, we don't have time for hugs.
- We've gotta get going, man.
- Nope, don't care.
Love you guys, and I want hugs and I'm not ashamed to say it.
[whimpering.]
- Thanks for everything, boys.
- All right.
I'm fucking proud of you, guys and I mean that.
- [low.]
We gotta fucking talk.
- About what? - Julian.
- What? Into the buddy mobile, please.
- Are you serious? - You're ridin' with me.
Yeah, let's go.
Come on.
Best buddies.
Going to make a big deal.
- [engine revving.]
- Easy, Ricky, easy, easy! [Julian.]
Easy! Honest to fuck, Julian, I can barely contain myself.
I mean, our lives are so perfect now, and they're only gonna get perfecter, as Ricky would say.
Yeah, well, shit can always go wrong though, buddy.
- We've got to stay on top of things.
- What? What do you mean? What do you think's gonna go wrong? I don't think anything's gonna go wrong.
I'm just saying, shit can always be perfecter.
Well, yeah, obviously.
I mean, if I had an engine in this thing, - that would make things better.
- [engine roaring.]
Dude, I can't imagine if I went out with a dog.
That's kind of weird.
[Ricky.]
Well, you know what, Cory? Then better to be safe than sorry and never fucking date a dog.
[Cory.]
No, I mean, if I fell in love with it, I guess I could, but I don't know.
I just don't think I would though.
[Jacob.]
Can we stop the so I can take a piss? Oh, my God.
Why the fuck did I even bring you guys? - [gunfire, glass shattering.]
- What the fuck? - Holy fuck! - [gunshot.]
Jesus Christ, somebody's shooting at us! Julian, what the fuck is that? Tommy Bean! Oh, for fuck's sakes! Do you got any guns up there? I've got one with me Uhh I've got one under the seat and there's a shotgun in the trunk.
Well, pull over! We've gotta fight these fucking guys! [Ricky.]
Okay, boys, we're gonna have to fucking shoot this out.
Guys, no pussying out, all right? You ready? - Yeah, dude, I'm ready.
- All right, I'm pulling in.
There's a little street here.
I'm pulling in! Get ready! Julian, we're not getting in a fucking gunfight! Bubs, we're already in a gunfight, if you haven't fucking noticed.
And when you are in a gun fight, you need fucking guns! Trust me! [Bubbles whimpering.]
- Alright, alright.
- [Julian.]
Stay down, Bubs! - [screaming.]
- [gunfire continues.]
[Tommy.]
It didn't have to be like this, Ricky! I was gonna buy them off you.
But one way or another, we ain't leaving here without those 'shroomies! [Ricky.]
It's not mushrooms, you stupid fuck! It's beer! [Tommy.]
Beer? What the fuck you talking about, beer? [Ricky.]
We're taking Bubbles' beer down to Legion for the fucking dart championships, and now we're fucking late! [Tommy.]
So you mean you don't got 'shroomies in those Freedom 35 boxes? [Ricky.]
Why the fuck would we have 'shrooms in the bottles? Well I thought you was transporting them that way.
Which, when I heard, I thought it was fucking brilliant, but now that I say it out loud, it is pretty fucking stupid.
Ah, shit! [Ricky.]
I mean, it'd be easy to get them in, but how the fuck'd you get them back out? I didn't think that far ahead, all right? [Dennis.]
You could just break the bottles to get them out.
[Terry.]
That would work.
Oh, yeah, that's a fucking brilliant idea! What'd you do about all the small, tiny little pieces of glass in the mushrooms? Do you know what a fucking nightmare that would be to deal with? It wouldn't be all that bad, actually.
Is this conversation really fucking happening right now? We need to get to the fucking Legion! All right, Tommy, what the fuck are we gonna do here? Well, I don't know.
I fucked up! Look, man, we're going to drive away, all right? But if I find out you have mushrooms, Ricky, I will come back and I'll fucking kill you, man! [Ricky.]
Fuck off! The fucking door's locked.
- Christ.
- For fuck's sakes! That was fucked.
Oh, boys! It's all shot to shit, for fuck's sakes! Ricky, do you want to tell me what the fuck just happened here? No fucking idea, man.
That was a fucking weird one.
You have no idea why Tommy Bean and the flappy bird brothers just fucking started blasting us, asking you about mushrooms? Bubs, Bubs, listen.
Calm down, okay? We'll deal with this later.
We can still make this delivery.
Let's go.
- Come on.
- Take your gun back.
They must have thought we were someone else, I guess.
Yeah, yeah, thought you were someone else.
- No fucking idea - Bubs, get in the truck! How was that speed for you? Was it okay? - [door slamming.]
- [Bubbles.]
Yes.
- Just fucking tow me! - [Julian.]
We're two men down.
This is bullshit! Bubs, I know it's bullshit.
Just calm the fuck down.
Hey, are you fucking coming with me or wh? Get the fuck in the car! [Julian.]
It's not that bad.
[Bubbles.]
What are you talking about? Julian, here, at least try to fucking - Here he comes.
Hey, how's it going? - Hey.
It may not look the best, but most of this is mint condition.
That's the brew master right there.
When you taste this beer, it's gonna feel like a diamond rainbow spraying right out of your ass.
Pickled Jesus in a long white robe! What happened here? I can't take this stuff all smashed up like that! Whoa, whoa, whoa, listen It's Big Cock, right? Big Cock? No.
It's Big Hawk, with an H.
What, like the fucking bird? Sorry.
These fucking guys said it was Big Cock.
Where the fuck did you get a nickname like that? I'd understand if it was Big Cock.
I assumed you were packing or whatever.
[chuckling.]
I gave it to myself.
- You named yourself Big Hawk? - Mm-hmm.
What, do you got a set of wings hiding there under your shirt? [laughter.]
No, no, I just wanted something tough, you know.
Not like the tiger or anything, but birds are kind of tough, and Blue Jay and The Eagle were already taken, so Big Hawk.
Right.
Well, that's pretty fucked, but anyway The beer's here.
Like I said, most of it's mint condition.
A deal's a deal.
Come on, let's make this happen.
No, no, I can't do it.
I can't sell beer that's all smashed up.
It's not smashed up, it's shot up.
What? Who in the name of Christ's kittens was shooting at you? Probably one of the other three clients we had to turn down to make this deal happen.
I mean, someone's obviously pissed off you're getting the last of this shit.
But look, look, we'll clean this all up, okay? We'll even stock your fridges for free.
Look, that's a that's a $200 value right there, for free.
Throw it in.
[Ricky.]
Come on, Big Cock.
You can do this.
- We need it.
- You don't understand the bullshit we just went through to get this stuff here on time.
But I'm a man of my word.
I said it was gonna be here on time.
Here it is.
- Please.
- Just a few short.
- Come on, Big Hawk.
- All right, fellas.
You get it looking good and get it in the fridges, - and we'll call it a deal.
- Yes! - Right on! - [Ricky.]
That's the shit right there.
[Hawk.]
Now come on inside and we'll get you all squared up.
Yes! Yes! All right, let's load them in, boys.
- All right, come on.
- [glass shattering.]
Holy fuck, Bubs.
Listen, man, you got to get it together and stop fucking up.
[shouting.]
Me? Bubs, just pick up the ones that aren't broken, I'll go deal with Big Hawk.
[Ricky.]
We just lost a bunch of money there 'cause of you not being careful.
- [gunfire on video.]
- Holy shit! I think we have sufficient evidence to go to the cops.
- Wouldn't you say, Jim? - Not yet.
Mr.
Lahey, why are you talking about - Randy.
Randy - going to the cops and evidence? - Randy! - I don't Let the man think, would you? Listen, if the three shit-kateers are getting into gunfights with the likes of Tommy Bean, Dennis, and Terry, then there's a lot more here than meets the eye.
It's just the tip of the iceberg, Randy.
Tip of the shitberg.
[Randy sighing.]
Yeah, jack it, Bubs! Jack that crow.
- Fucking come on, you.
- I hope he doesn't blow all over you.
- [chuckling.]
- Ricky [sighing.]
Come on, Bubs, don't be pissed, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm not pissed, Ricky, but it's just, like what's the fucking point? Seriously? What is the fucking point? Well, I guess the fucking point is that I promised you I wasn't gonna break the law and I did, but I thought that because it was for fucking groceries and shit, then that makes it not that illegal.
Imagine if this was six months ago.
I definitely would've been selling like fucking crazy.
So this kind of means I'm getting a little better, doesn't it? In a weird, illogical, fucked-up kind of way, sort of, Ricky.
It's just like Ricky, we're so fucking close.
Like, we're so fucking close to being set up, I can fucking taste it.
And then you'll never have to sell any amount of "grocery" mushrooms ever again.
But if you guys aren't there with me when all that good stuff happens, then it's not even worth it to me.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
And I wanna be right there with you, just don't give up on me.
Ricky, if I was gonna give up on you, I probably would've did it one of the other thousand times that you fucked up.
- Thanks, buddy.
- [sighing.]
Hey.
Get my belly, will you? Come on, deedle it.
Ricky, belly-gettin's not something you ask for.
Belly-getting is something that you earn.
[Julian.]
Hey, boys! I just got off the phone with Big Cock.
He said he was really impressed with the customer service, and the beer's going great, man.
People are fucking loving it! - Yeah! - And he wants more.
- Fucking awesome, boys.
- All right, boys, put it in.
Boys, can we just get this back on track, please? Fuck, yeah, we can.
Let's definitely get things back on track.
- Okay - [car horn honking.]
- Who the fuck is that? - [guns cocking.]
- [Bubbles.]
What? - [clattering.]
Ricky Julian! Is this really fucking happening right now? It's it's just Candy.
[Ricky.]
Fuck, I hope she's not here to tell him he's going back to fucking jail.
Ricky, why would you say that? Why are you gonna get me all worked up now? Do you think that's what she's doing? - [Julian.]
It's a pellet gun.
- [chuckling.]
[Ricky.]
Oh, kissy, kissy, kiss-kiss! [Bubbles.]
Oh-ho-ho! [singsong.]
Julian and Candy up a tree.
- B-A-N-G-I-N-G! - [giggling.]
That's fucking funny, man.
I don't know what it means, but that is fucking funny.
- [laughing.]
- What? You don't know what it means? The B-I-N-I-G-N-E thing.
But it's in a tree! Julian in a fucking tree! - [laughing.]
- No, Ricky And he's probably fucking naked too, isn't he? - What? - [laughing harder.]
No, Ricky it was Like a fucking bear! [cackling.]
[clattering.]
Ricky! Ricky, are you all right? Here, who's got your belly? Who's got your belly? Oh, my fuck, that's fucking funny! - Are you all right? - [laughter.]
Ricky, that wasn't even the funny part.
[theme music.]
[seagulls squawking.]
[fish.]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! [whispering.]
Fuck.
- [light clicks off.]
- Fuck off.
Hope you enjoyed the episode
Hey, Julian.
Where have you been? I was just running around, man.
Okay, well, I think this is the final tweak.
No way.
I think this is the final tweak right here.
I just want to make a toast to the two best friends and the two best business partners a guy could ever have.
Let this be the final one.
- Here, Ricky.
- Looks pretty clear, man.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Oh, it's clear.
It's clear as fuck.
- It smells fucking good.
- [exhalation.]
All right! Let's try it out.
- [Bubbles.]
Come on, baby.
- Excited.
Come on, baby.
Holy fuck, that's smooth, man! That is fucking delicious! - Yes! - Awesome! Yes! I've been workin' with Ricky and Julian non-stop on this beer and I've gotta say it's been the greatest time of my life.
There's no illegal stuff, no fucking bullshit; Everybody's pulling their weight.
The boys actually kept their fucking word.
[voice breaking.]
And I've never been more proud of them.
It's been really, really hard not breaking the law, but we promised Bubbles we wouldn't and we're sticking to it.
Other than picking a few magic mushrooms under the trailers and [exhaling.]
Selling them for a bit of grocery money here and there, I'm 100% on the straight of narrow.
And it feels really good not having secrets.
I mean, well, other than what I just told you guys, but just keep that to yourselves.
[Julian.]
It's been actually pretty cool working for Bubs and, you know, just sitting back and letting him run things for once.
I've been working as a sales rep, and I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but I just locked in a deal with the Legion to supply them with beer for the provincial dart championship coming up.
That's 60 cases.
I mean, that's fucking massive for us.
And I did it.
Hm.
To Julian, and to 60 cases! Let this be the start of many more fucking deals to come! - Fuck yeah.
- Way to go, Julian! Boys, it's not just me, okay? It's all of us.
We're a team.
We should probably fucking include Big Hawk in this too.
[laughing.]
The guy you did the deal with, that's his fucking name or is that a nickname? - It's his fucking nickname, obviously.
- Well, it's a fucked name either way.
All right, to Big Hawk! All right.
- Big Hawk.
- Fuck that is smooth.
That's like a [Julian.]
Boys, speaking of names, I've been thinking about this all fucking night, you know.
Check this out Freedom 35.
- That's what the beer should be called.
- [Ricky scoffing.]
No, think, boys.
It's something we've been trying to achieve our entire lives and because of this fucking beer, I think we're finally gonna make it this time.
- It's perfect.
- No, it's dumb.
It's a dumb fucking name.
It's not a dumb name, Ricky.
Dumb's not the word.
But, Julian, it's fucking huge decision.
So you know, maybe we should think about it, get consensus amongst the board of directors.
It's actually kind of too late.
I think it's fucking perfect.
Here, check these out.
Holy fuck! - [Ricky.]
Those are nice.
- That's the logo? [Julian.]
And check out this shirt, buddy.
Oh We have uniforms, boys.
- [Bubbles.]
It's got my name on it! - Yep.
I never had a shirt with my name on it before.
That's fucking badass.
Decent! - You know what, Julian? - What? - I do love it.
- Thank you.
- I think it's fucking perfect.
- So do I.
Freedom 35, that's the name.
I love it! If you guys like it, I guess, but, if it's gonna have a shitty name, it's gonna have to have a fucking kick-ass fucking slogan.
I already thought of that.
Check this out: "Freedom 35.
Drink the dream.
" Oh yeah, that's really fucking catchy.
- It's not - What? [Bubbles.]
It's not bad, Ricky.
But you know, Julian, I think slogans should be a little more, you know, developed.
How about this? "Freedom 35.
This is what freedom tastes like.
" - Eh? - All right, okay That's gonna look good on the box.
No, they both fucking suck, actually.
You guys clearly know nothing about markeling.
Okay, what do you fucking think then, genius? It's just got to be simple and basic.
Like all right.
"Freedom 35.
Drink our beer.
" - It's kind of right on the nose.
- [Ricky gurgling, spitting.]
- Ricky! - Ricky! Fuck! Here, you're getting it on your uniform.
All over my new uniform! All over my fucking joint! Now it's gotta be laundered.
[theme music.]
- Do you like it hard or soft? - Ricky! Hard or soft? - Would you fuck off? - Was that too much? - I'm just fucking around, Bubs.
- I'm trying to fucking focus here.
Okay, no, I'm not gonna bug you.
It's all good.
Rick, put the beer cock down and stop fucking around, okay? We've got a big day ahead of us.
- We all need to be focused.
- No shit! Don't worry about me.
I'm fucking razor-focused, bud.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
What's the plan, then? We gotta get all the fucking shit done, boys! Yeah! Wrong.
Just to be clear again, we've gotta go to Reggie's, pick up all the bottles, - get back here, do all the bottling - I know.
All the labelling, and get to the Legion for 5:00 or else Big Hawk's gonna be pissed off, and so will I.
So let's get this done.
That's pretty much what I fucking said, Julian.
No, it isn't.
- You all set, Bubs? - Yes.
Just remember, I've got no power steering, no power brakes.
Take it fucking easy.
We were able to buy my truck back from the pawn shop, except the dirty cocksucker that runs the place sold the goddamn engine out of it.
But, not a big deal.
You know, if the business keeps growing the way it has been, I'll be able to put a brand new engine in it someday.
Hopefully.
- Here we go.
- [engine roaring.]
Ricky, Ricky! Slow the fuck down All right, and we're off.
[singing William Tell Overture.]
Randy, you've got to admit, bud, you've got a gift.
And I'm telling you, we go back to that track, you use your old fucking noggin, we're gonna win back all the money we lost, bud.
We? You lost the money.
We talked about this.
We're never going back to the track again.
If you go back to the track, you're gonna lose.
At the horses and me, Mr.
Lahey.
Randy [George.]
Gentlemen! I took the liberty of making a few purchases, for the company.
I see.
We're gonna have to up the surveillance if we're gonna take those guys down.
Who said anything about taking those guys down? Since Julian got out, they haven't even been frigging with us.
Sorry.
Am I missing something here? Yeah, George, maybe you are missing something.
'Cause every time we kick the old shit hive, the old fucking shit bees swarm the shit out of us.
Yeah.
George, we're really not interested.
- Just let them make their beer.
- Please.
Tell me you two don't actually believe that all they're doing down there is making beer? Please tell me you're not that stupid! You're always talking about shit, Jim.
Why don't you wake the fuck up and smell it for once? Goddamn idiots! We've got a problem, Rands.
What the fuck is that? I don't know, it's some kind of robot thingy.
Hey, the Reg! 'Sup, buddy? Ricky! How you doing, you old ostrich fucker? - [Julian chuckles.]
- Please tell me you are packing some of those fucking mushrooms, bro.
I got so fucked up on those things, I could have sucked the cock off a crocodile.
- [Ricky clearing throat.]
- What mushrooms are you talking about? 'Shrooms? Must have got those from somebody else.
I haven't had 'shrooms in a fucking long time.
Like, years.
[Julian.]
Think we can grab those fucking bottles? We're in a bit of a rush, Reg.
- Yeah.
No bottles.
- What? Crushed the shit out of those bottles.
What? What the fuck do you mean? Yeah, I was tripping on them 'shrooms, bro, and I I got on the old front-end loader and, uh well, I was like a Tyrannosaurus rex fucking a goat up there.
- [Ricky laughing.]
- Pretty much trashed the whole yard.
Oh, yeah? Okay, so we're fucked then! This is great.
Oh, you know calm down, buddy.
I mean.
I feel slightly responsible here.
It's Why don't you go up to the recycling people? They've got a shit-ton of bottles up there.
Jesus Christ, Reg, we were coming to you because you said you'd front them and we'd get you back later.
This is fucking great, Julian! This is great.
There's no way we can do this by 5:00 now! We're fucked! Hey, hey, calm down.
We can still do it on 5:00.
[panting.]
How, Ricky? A fucking good, old-fashioned bottle drive, that's how.
I'll round up my hockey kids.
We can fucking do this.
Okay.
Let's go, Julian.
Let's get it going.
Right now.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
- Bottle drive.
- Ride with me.
We'll figure this out.
So dude, seriously.
[clearing throat.]
You can get your hands on some of those mushrooms though? [coughs.]
I've got a shit-ton of them.
I've gotta keep it on the fucking down low.
I've got some guys.
We can move that shit, buddy.
- Let's do a deal.
Come on.
- I can't do it.
Like, it's it's kind of like my retirement or whatever.
I can sell a little for some money when I need it, but I can't get into anything illegal.
I promised Bubbles.
- Tiger teabaggin' - [Bubbles.]
Honk, honk! - I'm coming! - Let's go, Ricky! You said bottle drive, not bottle sit-in-the-fucking-junkyard- where-there's-no-bottles! I get it.
'Cause your fucking crazy friend smashed them, high on mushrooms! [sigh.]
All right, look, if you change your mind, I got some Japanese.
They will pay top yen for this kind of good shit.
- Don't forget that.
- Top what? Top yen, baby.
Top yen.
It's good yen.
- Top yen? - Yen's good.
- What's a top - Top yen.
- Okay.
- Yung chow yen.
[Bubbles.]
Hon-n-n-nk! Seriously, tiger teabaggin' fucker.
You know what "can't" means to Reggie? - What? - It means "can.
" [engine ignition.]
[Ricky.]
All right kids, let's get some bottles.
And follow my leaf, let me do the talking, 'cause rich people are fucked.
[knocking at door.]
How you doing, darling? We're on a bottle drive, trying to raise some money for these poor little girls.
They need braces.
Their teeth are fucked.
Got anything you can help us out with? - No! Please get off my property.
- What the fuck? - [door closing.]
- Thanks for your cock-sucking support! Fucking rich people.
They make me sick! [Julian knocking at door.]
Hey, bud.
I'm just raising money for the kids.
Uh, do you got any empty beer bottles kicking around? - [man grunts.]
- No? What about full ones? Mm-hmm.
You got any fucking booze here that you don't want? - Mm-hmm.
- No? [Bubbles.]
Oh, for fuck's sakes! - Fuck off, then.
- That sucks.
- Julian.
- What? We're trying to get empty bottles, not bottles of liquor.
Bubs, I didn't know this was gonna take so fucking long, okay? Let's just move it on to the next house.
Let's go.
How's it going? I'm just doing a little bottle drive, trying to get some empties.
We're actually trying to raise money for little Darren here.
He needs eyes.
They're falling out.
He caughtched a disease.
You got anything here? [woman.]
No, sorry.
Can't help you.
- This blows.
- This isn't working.
I know, because everyone in this fucking neighbourhood is a fucking asshole! A full case! Aren't you just a little angel sent from heaven.
Thank you, ma'am.
[girl.]
You have yourself a wonderful day.
All right.
Let's go.
- [giggle.]
- [box creaking.]
- [glass shattering.]
- You s stupid son of a - [woman.]
I'll just go grab a broom.
- Sorry, it was an accident! No, I didn't mean you.
I meant the box.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- [clinking.]
Sorry about that.
It's not a big deal.
Let's just let's just go.
[whispering.]
Let's just go.
- [Ricky knocking at door.]
- [dog barking.]
How's it going? Just on a little bottle drive here, trying to raise some money for little Darren.
He needs a new heart, new lungs, new veins.
It's a mess.
My organs are totally fucked.
That's right.
Can you help us out? - Pathetic.
What are you doing? - Oh, that's nice.
That's just fucking What the fuck is wrong with the people in this fucking neighbourhood? [Julian.]
We got fuck all, Bubs.
How'd you guys make out? Well, not good, Julian.
I mean, what are we gonna do here? There's no way we're gonna get enough to bottle up 60 cases.
This neighbourhood sucks buffalo balls.
We could be screwed here.
It's a lot harder than it used to be.
Do any of your dads fucking drink a lot, kids? Oh! My dad's an alcoholic, and both of my uncles are too! They live with us.
- Do you have a lot of empties there? - Yeah, the whole shed's full! - Ah - Oh, my God.
Ronnie, there's only one word right now that works for me to call you and I'm not allowed to use that word anymore.
I'm gonna have to make up a new one.
Are you fucking de-tarded? You can't say that.
It still means the same thing! It means the same thing but it's not a bad word, right? Well, then in that case, you're ducked in the head.
That means fucked in the head, dummy.
Okay.
I know what it is.
Everybody shut the fuck up.
Get the fuck in the cars.
We're getting out of here.
[girl.]
My God, the language.
[Ricky.]
Where the fuck do you live, Ronnie? [Bubbles.]
Holy fuck, we did it boys, we did it.
Fucking rights, we did.
Look at all these fucking things.
There has to be enough here for 60 cases, isn't there? 60? Ricky, we could make 80 cases with the bottles here.
You had the fucking idea.
- You saved the day, bud.
- Fucking right, buddy.
No matter how fucked things get, if you just use your brain, you can accomplish anything.
Yeah.
Just be careful, Ricky.
I got this.
Top of my game, buddy.
Ricky! Ricky! [clattering.]
Jesus Murph Ricky! [Ricky.]
Who the fuck built those steps all crooked? You went down like the ten chocolate layer cakes guy from Sesame Street.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
A little dizzy though, boys.
And my fucking head feels like it's sweating all of a sudden for some reason.
- Ricky - Still got my fucking joint though.
- Ricky - Holy fuck.
- [grunting.]
- Ricky uh-oh.
That's fucking weird.
Why the fuck is my sweat red, boys? I'm gonna have to go take a piss or something.
- Ricky - [thud.]
Good job, Ronnie.
Keep 'em flowing.
Normally I wouldn't allow the kids anywhere near the open liquor bottling stage like this.
But a lot of the bottles we got from Ronnie's place, they're full of old cigarette butts and loogies, even [whispering.]
prophylactics.
So I just thought it was better to just put Cory and Jacob on that station.
This beer's fucking delicious.
Jesus Murphy! Can you guys not show that, please? Maybe just cut that off? We're gonna have to hurry up with this.
We're running out of time here.
Can you just hold still, please? - This isn't working.
- It's still bleeding, Dad.
It's just a little cut.
Jacob, hurry the fuck up with the duct tape, would you? Here, Ricky.
I don't think it's gonna stop the bleeding though.
Correct.
It won't, Jacob.
Gonna have to borrow part of your shirt too, bud.
- Good thinking, dude.
- Nice.
[loud music playing on car stereo.]
[engine revving, brakes squeaking.]
[Ricky.]
Hey! Well, if it isn't three of the most fucked people in the world! [Tommy.]
Hey, Ricky! Long time no fucking see, man.
What the fuck are you doing with that Band-Aid? [Ricky.]
Just getting ready to ram it right up your ass.
Hey, word on the street, man, is you're sitting on a shit-ton of 'shroomies.
- Now, is that true? - Is that right? Well, I'm standing as you can fucking see, so I guess it's not true, is it? [laughs.]
That's cute, man, but you see, Reggie told me.
He says you got a whole bunch.
We'd be real interested to take them off your hands, - if you know what I mean.
- No idea what you're talking about, bud.
Are you saying Reggie's a liar? Is that what you're fucking saying here? No.
I said I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
- Call it whatever the fuck you want.
- Look man, will you just fucking listen to me for a second, all right? Now Terry and Dennis here got a really good connection back in J-A-fucking-pan, man, and we wanna make 'em happy.
So if you are sitting on a shit-ton of 'shroomies, let's say it'd be in your best interest to work out a deal with us now.
Really? Okay.
How about this deal: Get the fuck back in your car and fuck the fuck off to wherever you fucked on from.
- All right.
That's what we'll do.
- Perfect.
- No problem, man.
- All right.
No problem at all.
It's very unfortunate for you, but not a big fucking deal, Ricky.
[car doors opening.]
What the fuck is that opposed to mean? Unfortunate for me? [car doors closing.]
[George.]
High-res surveillance.
This thing flies high enough that the boys are none the wiser.
I wish I had this fucking thing years ago, Randers! Fuck, George, this is really impressive! I think we can be pretty confident that there's something illegal going on there.
Wouldn't you say, guys? We don't know that for sure.
Plus we already told you that we're not interested if they are.
Right.
That's Tommy Rector, aka Tommy Bean, but I don't recognize the other two.
Well, I do.
That's Dennis and Terry.
Those are Cyrus' old shit buddies.
The last time they were in the park, they shot it up real fucking good with machine guns.
Well, let's see where they're going, shall we? Wait you can follow them out of the park? Seven kilometre range, Jim.
I don't think we should be following them out of the park, Ge Randy! Ricky, was that Tommy Bean? Yep.
And Dennis and Terry were with him too.
What? What the fuck did they want? Fucking Reggie told them I had a shit-ton of mushrooms.
They were here to buy them.
All of them, one-shot deal.
What do you mean all of them? I mean, you don't got any, right? - [Ricky grunts.]
- Ricky? - My fuck, Ricky! - All right, Julian, I'm gonna be totally fucking honest with you.
Cory and Jacob managed to get their hands on a few, that I took, and I've been selling just enough for grocery money for my family, - which makes it not illegal.
- Oh, for fuck's sakes, Ricky! How many's a few? [Bubbles.]
All right, boys.
The last labels are just going on.
Let's get these dirty whores on the truck and get the fuck to the Legion.
Hee-hee Michael Jackson! Bubbles is gonna lose his goddamn fucking mind! Don't tell him.
"Don't tell him" Fuck's sakes, Ricky.
[buckles clicking.]
Okay, boys, we're ready to rock.
Nice.
Look, I know I keep getting emotional and everything, but - let's go with the hugs.
- Bubs, we don't have time for hugs.
- We've gotta get going, man.
- Nope, don't care.
Love you guys, and I want hugs and I'm not ashamed to say it.
[whimpering.]
- Thanks for everything, boys.
- All right.
I'm fucking proud of you, guys and I mean that.
- [low.]
We gotta fucking talk.
- About what? - Julian.
- What? Into the buddy mobile, please.
- Are you serious? - You're ridin' with me.
Yeah, let's go.
Come on.
Best buddies.
Going to make a big deal.
- [engine revving.]
- Easy, Ricky, easy, easy! [Julian.]
Easy! Honest to fuck, Julian, I can barely contain myself.
I mean, our lives are so perfect now, and they're only gonna get perfecter, as Ricky would say.
Yeah, well, shit can always go wrong though, buddy.
- We've got to stay on top of things.
- What? What do you mean? What do you think's gonna go wrong? I don't think anything's gonna go wrong.
I'm just saying, shit can always be perfecter.
Well, yeah, obviously.
I mean, if I had an engine in this thing, - that would make things better.
- [engine roaring.]
Dude, I can't imagine if I went out with a dog.
That's kind of weird.
[Ricky.]
Well, you know what, Cory? Then better to be safe than sorry and never fucking date a dog.
[Cory.]
No, I mean, if I fell in love with it, I guess I could, but I don't know.
I just don't think I would though.
[Jacob.]
Can we stop the so I can take a piss? Oh, my God.
Why the fuck did I even bring you guys? - [gunfire, glass shattering.]
- What the fuck? - Holy fuck! - [gunshot.]
Jesus Christ, somebody's shooting at us! Julian, what the fuck is that? Tommy Bean! Oh, for fuck's sakes! Do you got any guns up there? I've got one with me Uhh I've got one under the seat and there's a shotgun in the trunk.
Well, pull over! We've gotta fight these fucking guys! [Ricky.]
Okay, boys, we're gonna have to fucking shoot this out.
Guys, no pussying out, all right? You ready? - Yeah, dude, I'm ready.
- All right, I'm pulling in.
There's a little street here.
I'm pulling in! Get ready! Julian, we're not getting in a fucking gunfight! Bubs, we're already in a gunfight, if you haven't fucking noticed.
And when you are in a gun fight, you need fucking guns! Trust me! [Bubbles whimpering.]
- Alright, alright.
- [Julian.]
Stay down, Bubs! - [screaming.]
- [gunfire continues.]
[Tommy.]
It didn't have to be like this, Ricky! I was gonna buy them off you.
But one way or another, we ain't leaving here without those 'shroomies! [Ricky.]
It's not mushrooms, you stupid fuck! It's beer! [Tommy.]
Beer? What the fuck you talking about, beer? [Ricky.]
We're taking Bubbles' beer down to Legion for the fucking dart championships, and now we're fucking late! [Tommy.]
So you mean you don't got 'shroomies in those Freedom 35 boxes? [Ricky.]
Why the fuck would we have 'shrooms in the bottles? Well I thought you was transporting them that way.
Which, when I heard, I thought it was fucking brilliant, but now that I say it out loud, it is pretty fucking stupid.
Ah, shit! [Ricky.]
I mean, it'd be easy to get them in, but how the fuck'd you get them back out? I didn't think that far ahead, all right? [Dennis.]
You could just break the bottles to get them out.
[Terry.]
That would work.
Oh, yeah, that's a fucking brilliant idea! What'd you do about all the small, tiny little pieces of glass in the mushrooms? Do you know what a fucking nightmare that would be to deal with? It wouldn't be all that bad, actually.
Is this conversation really fucking happening right now? We need to get to the fucking Legion! All right, Tommy, what the fuck are we gonna do here? Well, I don't know.
I fucked up! Look, man, we're going to drive away, all right? But if I find out you have mushrooms, Ricky, I will come back and I'll fucking kill you, man! [Ricky.]
Fuck off! The fucking door's locked.
- Christ.
- For fuck's sakes! That was fucked.
Oh, boys! It's all shot to shit, for fuck's sakes! Ricky, do you want to tell me what the fuck just happened here? No fucking idea, man.
That was a fucking weird one.
You have no idea why Tommy Bean and the flappy bird brothers just fucking started blasting us, asking you about mushrooms? Bubs, Bubs, listen.
Calm down, okay? We'll deal with this later.
We can still make this delivery.
Let's go.
- Come on.
- Take your gun back.
They must have thought we were someone else, I guess.
Yeah, yeah, thought you were someone else.
- No fucking idea - Bubs, get in the truck! How was that speed for you? Was it okay? - [door slamming.]
- [Bubbles.]
Yes.
- Just fucking tow me! - [Julian.]
We're two men down.
This is bullshit! Bubs, I know it's bullshit.
Just calm the fuck down.
Hey, are you fucking coming with me or wh? Get the fuck in the car! [Julian.]
It's not that bad.
[Bubbles.]
What are you talking about? Julian, here, at least try to fucking - Here he comes.
Hey, how's it going? - Hey.
It may not look the best, but most of this is mint condition.
That's the brew master right there.
When you taste this beer, it's gonna feel like a diamond rainbow spraying right out of your ass.
Pickled Jesus in a long white robe! What happened here? I can't take this stuff all smashed up like that! Whoa, whoa, whoa, listen It's Big Cock, right? Big Cock? No.
It's Big Hawk, with an H.
What, like the fucking bird? Sorry.
These fucking guys said it was Big Cock.
Where the fuck did you get a nickname like that? I'd understand if it was Big Cock.
I assumed you were packing or whatever.
[chuckling.]
I gave it to myself.
- You named yourself Big Hawk? - Mm-hmm.
What, do you got a set of wings hiding there under your shirt? [laughter.]
No, no, I just wanted something tough, you know.
Not like the tiger or anything, but birds are kind of tough, and Blue Jay and The Eagle were already taken, so Big Hawk.
Right.
Well, that's pretty fucked, but anyway The beer's here.
Like I said, most of it's mint condition.
A deal's a deal.
Come on, let's make this happen.
No, no, I can't do it.
I can't sell beer that's all smashed up.
It's not smashed up, it's shot up.
What? Who in the name of Christ's kittens was shooting at you? Probably one of the other three clients we had to turn down to make this deal happen.
I mean, someone's obviously pissed off you're getting the last of this shit.
But look, look, we'll clean this all up, okay? We'll even stock your fridges for free.
Look, that's a that's a $200 value right there, for free.
Throw it in.
[Ricky.]
Come on, Big Cock.
You can do this.
- We need it.
- You don't understand the bullshit we just went through to get this stuff here on time.
But I'm a man of my word.
I said it was gonna be here on time.
Here it is.
- Please.
- Just a few short.
- Come on, Big Hawk.
- All right, fellas.
You get it looking good and get it in the fridges, - and we'll call it a deal.
- Yes! - Right on! - [Ricky.]
That's the shit right there.
[Hawk.]
Now come on inside and we'll get you all squared up.
Yes! Yes! All right, let's load them in, boys.
- All right, come on.
- [glass shattering.]
Holy fuck, Bubs.
Listen, man, you got to get it together and stop fucking up.
[shouting.]
Me? Bubs, just pick up the ones that aren't broken, I'll go deal with Big Hawk.
[Ricky.]
We just lost a bunch of money there 'cause of you not being careful.
- [gunfire on video.]
- Holy shit! I think we have sufficient evidence to go to the cops.
- Wouldn't you say, Jim? - Not yet.
Mr.
Lahey, why are you talking about - Randy.
Randy - going to the cops and evidence? - Randy! - I don't Let the man think, would you? Listen, if the three shit-kateers are getting into gunfights with the likes of Tommy Bean, Dennis, and Terry, then there's a lot more here than meets the eye.
It's just the tip of the iceberg, Randy.
Tip of the shitberg.
[Randy sighing.]
Yeah, jack it, Bubs! Jack that crow.
- Fucking come on, you.
- I hope he doesn't blow all over you.
- [chuckling.]
- Ricky [sighing.]
Come on, Bubs, don't be pissed, man.
I'm sorry.
I'm not pissed, Ricky, but it's just, like what's the fucking point? Seriously? What is the fucking point? Well, I guess the fucking point is that I promised you I wasn't gonna break the law and I did, but I thought that because it was for fucking groceries and shit, then that makes it not that illegal.
Imagine if this was six months ago.
I definitely would've been selling like fucking crazy.
So this kind of means I'm getting a little better, doesn't it? In a weird, illogical, fucked-up kind of way, sort of, Ricky.
It's just like Ricky, we're so fucking close.
Like, we're so fucking close to being set up, I can fucking taste it.
And then you'll never have to sell any amount of "grocery" mushrooms ever again.
But if you guys aren't there with me when all that good stuff happens, then it's not even worth it to me.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
And I wanna be right there with you, just don't give up on me.
Ricky, if I was gonna give up on you, I probably would've did it one of the other thousand times that you fucked up.
- Thanks, buddy.
- [sighing.]
Hey.
Get my belly, will you? Come on, deedle it.
Ricky, belly-gettin's not something you ask for.
Belly-getting is something that you earn.
[Julian.]
Hey, boys! I just got off the phone with Big Cock.
He said he was really impressed with the customer service, and the beer's going great, man.
People are fucking loving it! - Yeah! - And he wants more.
- Fucking awesome, boys.
- All right, boys, put it in.
Boys, can we just get this back on track, please? Fuck, yeah, we can.
Let's definitely get things back on track.
- Okay - [car horn honking.]
- Who the fuck is that? - [guns cocking.]
- [Bubbles.]
What? - [clattering.]
Ricky Julian! Is this really fucking happening right now? It's it's just Candy.
[Ricky.]
Fuck, I hope she's not here to tell him he's going back to fucking jail.
Ricky, why would you say that? Why are you gonna get me all worked up now? Do you think that's what she's doing? - [Julian.]
It's a pellet gun.
- [chuckling.]
[Ricky.]
Oh, kissy, kissy, kiss-kiss! [Bubbles.]
Oh-ho-ho! [singsong.]
Julian and Candy up a tree.
- B-A-N-G-I-N-G! - [giggling.]
That's fucking funny, man.
I don't know what it means, but that is fucking funny.
- [laughing.]
- What? You don't know what it means? The B-I-N-I-G-N-E thing.
But it's in a tree! Julian in a fucking tree! - [laughing.]
- No, Ricky And he's probably fucking naked too, isn't he? - What? - [laughing harder.]
No, Ricky it was Like a fucking bear! [cackling.]
[clattering.]
Ricky! Ricky, are you all right? Here, who's got your belly? Who's got your belly? Oh, my fuck, that's fucking funny! - Are you all right? - [laughter.]
Ricky, that wasn't even the funny part.
[theme music.]
[seagulls squawking.]
[fish.]
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck off! Fuck! Fuck off! Jesus Christ! [whispering.]
Fuck.
- [light clicks off.]
- Fuck off.
Hope you enjoyed the episode