Trinity s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Richard Arc? We need to talk.
Where do you want to do this? Tell me! Tell me what you know! Bad news.
He's dead.
He was just sitting there and said "libens, volens, potens!" Come on, Charlotte.
Cum Trinitatis Cum Trinitatis Nos impluvis, nos adiuvis It's Pete, isn't it? I'm Rosalind.
I'm new.
Pleasure and a privilege.
Could you tell me where Lord Gaudain's room is? Well, we're not supposed to give out students' room numbers.
Mm Front quad, staircase two.
Room 15.
You've been ever so helpful.
Knight to king bishop's four.
Good move! Rook to H7.
Check! You blighter! You absolute bloody blighter! Isn't this place amazing? Yeah.
Unbelievable.
Dorian.
How's my most dashing cousin? All the better for the sight of you, coz.
How's Uncle Harry? Making a fuss about the estate.
And Auntie Bea? On a beach in Buenos Aires.
It was your Dad's favourite Bible.
I thought, now you're here, it'd be like he was here with you.
Thanks, Mum.
I suppose I'll be off, then.
It's been two weeks, Charlotte.
You won't talk about Dad.
I haven't seen you cry.
I'm dealing with it my own way.
You can't understand how Trinity changed Dad - what it did to him.
This is a wicked place, Charlotte.
You can't say that.
Oh, those two are married, are they? People did it at school too, Mum.
I've saved myself till now.
Dad would be happy to hear that.
I'd best be going.
Be careful, won't you? Mum Why did Dad leave Trinity? I'll pray for you, Charlotte.
Cooper? Linus? Ah, here you are.
Dr Maltravers.
How's Galahad? Not good.
We need a new hourglass, or I think we might be in trouble, Edmund.
Have you got a printout from his readings? Give me your pencil.
What are you doing? Don't want our superiors getting jittery, do we? Now I've got to go and oversee the arrival of this year's little shits, not least among them the daughter of the late lamented Richard Arc.
Great! Hey! What? I'm still loaded here.
So? So finish me off.
Don't be sick! I'm your cousin! Hello.
Where did you spring from? Theo.
I'm from Lewisham.
Oh! My uncle owns Lewisham! Your uncle owns Lewisham? I'm Rosalind.
Hi.
So, what do you think of this place? Well, I wasn't too impressed to start with butthings are looking up.
I'm way out of your league.
Are you sure? You see, my uncle, he owns a garden centre.
There's a party tonight.
The Feast of Fools.
Is that an invite? No.
It's quite hard to get into.
Yeah, well, I'm good at getting into things.
Pleased to hear it.
Maybe see you later, then.
Yeah, maybe.
Hi.
I'm Charlotte Arc.
We're neighbours! Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
Erm, I've invited a few people for tea and biscuits in my room.
Thought you might like to come along.
Yeah.
Why not? You're Theo Mackenzie, aren't you? Yeah.
I came top in three of my four A-levels.
I just had to find out who beat me in the fourth.
Right.
I am a Christian, yes.
We're Christians.
OK, the thing I'm dying to ask Biology A-level, paper 2.
Question Yeah? What did you put? Hey, I hear there's a party tonight.
I doubt it.
You do know that Trinity doesn't have a Freshers' week? They expect us to study.
To study.
So there's no parties.
Well, unless you mean the Feast of Fools? The Dandelion Club party.
Upper-class twits.
Doubtless all the girls will end up taking their clothes off and offering themselves to the first available guy Right.
Just out of interest, how would Ior anyone else get to this party? You're not thinking of going, are you? Hey, look, you could come with me! I really don't think so.
I saw her first.
Hands off.
Well, this has been The biscuits were amazing.
Really good biscuits.
I guess I'll see youaround.
Age shall not wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety.
Thank you, Edmund.
This is it, then.
I'm very proud of you, you know.
You're going to do wonderfully here.
I hope so.
Thank you for everything.
My pleasure Warden.
20 years ago, a young graduate knocked at my door to interview for doctorate.
Slip of a thing, she was.
Short hair.
Rather reminiscent of an eight-year-old boy.
She stands before you now, as diminutive as ever, but with a string of academic posts and several books behind her.
Gentlemen, Marjorie, this is an ambitious woman.
A forward-thinking woman, a woman I know who clearly relishes the challenge of dragging our weary old institution into the so-called modern world.
I give you your new Warden, Dr Angela Donne.
Welcome back to Bridgeford.
Whoa! Almost dropped it then! I'll go.
Oh, bugger, it's the wrong box.
It's the wrong box! All my old toys, they were meant to be going to Africa! This was meant to be full of clothes! Oh, my God.
What were you thinking, Maddy?! You idiot! Maddy, right? Yeah.
Don't you think the people in Africa will probably prefer the clothes? Yeah.
Yeah, they will, won't they! I mean what were they going to do with a blinking My Little Pony? Eat it?! On the other hand, they are quite hungry, aren't they? The Africans.
Yeah.
Really old ones.
I guess I'll be seeing you around, then, yeah? Sorry, what's your name? Theo.
Thank you.
Bye.
Fit! I'm ready for my bedder now, thank you, Mr Dobkin.
Where's Ingrid? Oh, this is ridiculous! Oh, excuse me.
I was Oh! I can't get the key to er Damn.
Where's my bedder? She should be in your room.
That ogre?! I usually have a Swedish bedder.
Where is she? I imagine she's back in Gothenburg, recovering from the abortion that we paid for.
Bingo.
Maybe this termyou could keep your sperm in the bag? I'd be ever so grateful.
I want a new bedder.
Now.
Not possible.
Auburn hair please, since it's Michaelmas! I always find redheads very Christmassy, don't you? Dorian, you should know there have been some changes round here.
We have a new Warden.
A modernist, who leans more than somewhat to the left.
So get rid of him.
It's a her, actually.
A woman Warden? Does Daddy know about this? See yous later! See yous later! Bye, bye! I like your Vans.
I like yours.
Awesome.
Thanks.
Do you like Donnie Darko? The film movie? Aye.
Do you want to come to my room and get mashed? -Oh, aye, like! Awesome! I've taught at Bridgeford University for over 30 years.
The Seventies were the worst.
Hippies and lesbians pounding at the gates, demanding change.
'This is the 20th century,' they would say.
Do you know what you'd do in that situation? Nothing.
Young tick.
You give them something - something you can bear and they can call a victory.
Back then, we let women in.
Masterstroke! So when the Education Minister came to me last May and said 'this is 21st century,' I knew what had to be done.
This Warden's a publicity stunt? Well, she She was one of my PhD students.
Hard-working.
Pretty.
Ish.
An idealist.
The kind of fluff they like to see.
Well, stiff upper lip.
At least I have a party to look forward to.
Yes, that reminds me You are NOT touching the Feast of Fools! -Not me.
Her.
She can't! It's important to college morale! Picking two students from lower-class families to be your jesters for the year? Yes.
What's the problem? Dorian, it's not .
.
politic.
Honestly, what is happening to this place? Now look Who's that? Theo Mackenzie.
I interviewed him.
Surprisingly promising.
This is the finest academic institution in the country.
I go away for one summer, and you've turned it into a basketball team.
I'm going back to bed.
Dorian There's a girl on your corridor.
Charlotte Arc.
I want you to keep an eye on her? Is she pretty? She's a Christian.
Hmm.
Challenge.
Why, out of interest? Do you think she's a troublemaker? I knew her father.
Sogive me three guesses.
Missing your parents? Hey, hey My dad died recently.
I am so terribly sorry.
Where was his estate? You are landed, aren't you? If you count a terraced house in Leeds as landed.
My mistake.
I presumed you were of good breeding.
After all, you're so frightfully pretty.
Those cheekbones.
Like Eleanor of Aquitaine.
Why don't you have two tickets for a little party I'm having tonight.
A lovely thing like you would fit right in.
Lunch soon! Shower for me.
Yes? I was just wanted to say that what you said back there about breeding and me being pretty.
Well, I think Look, I believe in meritocracy, OK? So breeding doesn't mean you're pretty, and even if it didthat was wrong! Hey, I'm sorry.
Is that all? Erm Yes, thank you.
Very well, then.
Dr Cooper.
Unusual to see you here.
That's just what I was going to say.
He's so rarely out of his lab these days.
He takes his work seriously, don't you, Linus? The light came on.
Midnight.
Mm.
Is there a problem? I'm not sure I'm going to have enough time.
Of course you will.
Of course you will.
Angela.
Gabriel.
Gabriel Lloyd.
Did you get taller? Probably just .
.
standing up straighter.
You haven't changed.
No? No, not at all.
Except your hair's longer, obviously.
A few less freckles dappling your nose.
I have to apologise.
I was supposed to come to your introductory speech.
And I wanted to come but I didn't.
And then I sat there at my desk and I thought this is silly.
I have to clear the air sooner or later, so I'm sorry for what I said last time we met.
It was 20 years ago.
You remember.
I told you I loved you.
Good Luck.
Thank you.
Yes, well, I just want you to know a lot's changed here.
A lot.
I've changed.
Lloyd.
Get into line.
Sorry.
Maybe we could have a coffee sometime.
Catch up.
Lloyd! So question 41, Angus Fergus what are your major ambitions here at Trinity? I suppose, if I were honest, Raj Puri .
.
my major ambition would be to .
.
lose my virginity.
Snap.
I mean, at school, I had a lot of offers - a great number of offers, but I just didn't seem to get round to it.
Snap, man.
I mean, me too, you know.
It's just like Sex is like, so manic, isn't it? It's like you get one chance and you have to, like, grab it then and there.
You know? Like, honestly, it's not chilled.
It's not cool.
Sex is uncool.
It is way uncool.
Snap, man.
Still, II guess we should have some.
Aye.
Yeah.
Aye.
Yeah.
This lunch thing's soon, isn't it? Fear not my friend.
If there's one defining characteristic of Raj Puri - me - it's that I NEVER lose track of time.
Raj Puri.
Raj Puri? Madeleine Talbot.
Charlotte Charlotte Arc.
Welcome to Trinity, Charlotte.
Is that an engagement ring? Gethin - that's my boyfriend - he said there'd probably be loads of chances for me to have meaningless sex at university, and he didn't want me doing that.
So wewe got engaged.
That's a bit casual, isn't it? Yeah! It's just a light-hearted engagement, really.
It's not like we're going to and get married or anything.
Further out, sir.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Further still.
Right, thanks.
And that's the lady's glass.
Sorry.
And you're not supposed to drink before grace.
Cheers, mate.
What is their problem? They are picky.
But if you read the Freshers' brochure, it's Stand for grace! Alpha row, could you begin, please? Bendedia, Domine Nos et haec tua dona Qua de tua largitate sumus sumpturi Charlotte Don't tell me you didn't learn the grace! OK, let's be clear here.
I didn't read the stupid Freshers' leaflet.
I didn't know this was going to be so Per Christum Dominum nostrum Mensa Coelesti Oh, shit.
He doesn't know it.
Participes faciat nos.
One more time.
Participes faciat nos.
Parsnipssatchatoast? Sorry.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Go on, say something, please.
Rex aeternae gloriae! Watch it! Sorry.
Sorry, mate.
Hey, you're in that Marigold Club.
Dandelion Club.
Yeah, that's the one.
I'm its President.
Oh, nice one.
Hey, I hear you're having a party tonight.
That's right.
Finally! Thank God! Someone round here doing something normal.
Listen, mate, I was thinking I could come along.
You have to be a member of the Dandelion Club if you want to come to the party.
It's something of a commitment.
Well, I'm a committed kind of bloke.
Good.
Good.
OK.
Well We are a student society wholly devoted to the pursuit of pleasure.
When you're a Dandelion, you're not expected to work.
You are, however, expected to drink an awful lot and have sex with the most beautiful women.
Are you the kind of guy who could handle that? Yeah, I reckon so.
So how do I join? You can't, because your parents are poor.
Warden! Warden! I'm Dorian, President of the Dandelion Club.
If it's about the Feast of Fools, I'm sorry but there's no arguing the matter.
It's a college tradition.
Perhaps you're not aware - I was here 20 years ago.
I remember the Dandelion club.
Dorian, not troubling the Warden, are you? I was just explaining my decision to cancel the Feast of Fools.
Quite right.
The college has to move with the times.
Does it? Forcing two students to be your jesters for the year against their will? My dear boy, it smacks of slavery.
Quite.
So, Dorian, shall we let that be the last word? Of course, if a couple of students were to volunteer, then.
Who would volunteer? I admit it's unlikely.
But, purely hypothetically, if they did, then the college would have to respect their decision.
What's your position on this matter, Warden? Well, if they were to volunteer, there'd be nothing I could do.
Find your fools and get on with it.
Just make sure they agree to the job.
No need to thank me.
Thank you? Where on earth am I going to find two people stupid enough to agree to being my slaves? Excuse me Is this where we meet for lunch? Cancel that last complaint.
Warden I-I'm a first year.
Charlotte Arc.
Charlotte.
How can I help you? I think you might have known my father.
Oh? I've got this photo of him from back then and you're in it.
I'm sure that's you.
Well, that's certainly seems to be me.
What did you say your father's name? Richard Arc.
Richard Arc.
Yes, he was in my doctorate group but we didn't know each other very well.
But I think I look a little drunk in that picture.
It's amazing the friends you make.
Look, my dad left Trinity very suddenly.
I was just hoping maybe you remembered something.
Charlotte, I think this is something you should take up with your father.
I would do.
I can't now.
He's dead.
He's dead? How? When? About two weeks ago.
Well, I'mI'm sorry.
As I said, I didn't really know your father very well.
Could you I'm really very busy.
Thought we could walk down to our first tutorial together.
I'm leaving.
What? Why? Well, let me see.
Maybe it's the weird people.
Or the strange cutlery.
Or the fact I got laughed at by the entire college.
I just get the impression this place isn't really for me.
It's Trinity.
Everyone finds it a bit strange.
Charlotte, this place is fucking mental! How can you be so blase? You got into Trinity! Yeah, and five other places.
It's just a university, Charlotte.
No, it's the best university! Well, not for me.
You know, you're pretty see-through.
You make out that this is all because you're so cool and normal.
But you know what's really going on? You're scared.
So what if I am! It's easy for you.
You've probably wanted to come here since you were five.
You fit in.
I don't feel like I fit in.
Trust me.
You do.
Well, my dad didn't.
He was here for ten years.
He was brilliant, my mum said.
And then suddenly he left.
Because something happened to him here.
He'd never even talk about it, he never explained.
He was justsad.
He was always sad And now he's dead.
So don't pretend that this is easier for me than you, because this place freaks me out! And I reckon I've got better reasons than you.
Right, I'm going to my tutorial now.
Maybe I'll see you there.
Look 'We agree to do the Dandelion Club's bidding in all things, regardless of embarrassment to ourselves or those near to us for the term of one year.
' Are there going to be girls at this party? Oh, yes.
What do we have to do again? Just be yourselves.
If you could just sign it in your own blood.
Just kidding.
Red ink will do nicely.
Excuse me.
Can I give my key back? This way, young sir.
Something not to your liking? Seriously, mate, I just want to give my key back.
Leaving us already, Theo? Five hours at Trinity.
Something to tell your kids about.
What? I thought you'd last longer, that's all.
Yeah, well, no offence, but this place What's wrong with it? Too many people like me? You know the first Lord Gaudain was a country squire, not that much better than a peasant.
He invented a new way of manufacturing sword handles.
Great.
It made him hundreds of thousands of pounds.
Billions in today's money.
I don't think there's been a member of my family who hasn't been to this university since.
Yeah.
Heart-warming.
Make a good Christmas film.
There are two kinds of people who matter, Theo.
Those who have it and those who earn it.
I have it.
You have to earn it.
Your bags are being delivered to your room as we speak, Miss Gaudain.
Thanks, Pete.
Nice meeting you.
Right.
I'm Dr Maltravers.
I have been a fellow of this college for over 30 years, and my research has resulted in the development of dioxypeptisol - the miracle cancer drug you may have read about.
Miss Arc, isn't it? Is that the dioxypeptisol originally thought to be a fix for incipient glaucoma? There were some initial problems identifying its precise benefit.
The enquiry said that official approval had been rushed through.
40 babies went blind.
Funny that I should see the day that my ethics should be called into question by the daughter of Richard Arc.
This term Sorry I'm late.
Hm.
Well, come in, Mr Mackenzie.
Close the door, please.
As I was saying, this term, it is anatomy.
And here at Trinity's very own mortuary, you will each be dissecting your own corpse.
The first tutorial is tomorrow morning, which means one of you must work overnight in the labs preparing a presentation on the topic, 'the mechanics of the arm'.
Miss Arc, you seem a keen student.
Yes.
Good.
Well, I look forward to your presentation tomorrow morning at 9am.
Excuse me, Mr Mackenzie.
See you all then.
You're going to be up all night.
Yeah.
I'm going to be slaving away here while you're living it up at the Dandelion Club Party.
What? It's not really my thing anyway.
Take Maddy.
Asexual mitosis.
Biology A-level, question number 13.
Oh! I didn't think of that.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And representing the comprehensive school system, here's Maddy Talbot and Theo Mackenzie.
Oh, Theo, everybody's so clever and beautiful and posh.
Oh, Theo, everybody's so clever and beautiful and posh.
Shut up! You're going to be the most elegant girl at this party.
Do you think? Definitely.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa Y-Y-Y-Your dress, your pants.
You might want to Oh! Hey, Mads! Ah! Peasants! Well, come in! Wipe your filthy boots! What's in the box? You know, Angus, this is going to be really good for us.
You think? No doubt! See, the first step to sex is getting girls to notice you.
After tonight, every girl in college is gonna know exactly who we are.
No doubt! No doubt! Nooooo doubt! No doubt! Noooo doubt! What's the matter, coz? You don't think I'm being unseemly? Listen, I'm about to make a speech.
Then we could finish what we started earlier.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- You left me gagging.
Aw, bless! Dorian, it was only natural we should want to do it once.
All that horseplay in the stables and games of Twister at Christmas.
Who wouldn't feel a bit incestuous? But it was just a silly act of rebellion.
I'm over it now.
It was just this morning! I'm over it now! If I could just have people's attention, please.
Whoo! OK.
well, this will be new to some of you, but one thing that the Feast of Fools has got to have isfools! (CHEERING) And, due to a few extra restrictions, it's been a hard job finding them this year.
But I've done my best and I think I can safely say I've come up with a couple of absolute stars.
I give youJester Primus - Mr Angus Fergus and Jester Secundus - Mr Raj Puri! Rules of the game.
The first fool to hold the golden ball aloft is the winner.
On my whistle.
Just as we discussed, chaps.
Show these girls what you're made of.
I like the way you move A grand on the brown one.
Angie Got your message.
I didn't think you were going to get in touch so soon.
Did you know Richard was dead? Did you know he was dead? I did.
Did you go to his funeral? No.
Why didn't you call me? I had to find out from his daughter! Well, you haven't exactly kept in touch.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound curt.
I always thought I'd see him again.
Really? Richard was pretty determined not to see anyone.
I thought about him every day, Gabriel.
Every day.
I'm sorry, Angie, I can't.
I can't weep for Richard Arc.
THE KILLERS: Somebody Told Me Do you not approve? Well, you know, each to their own.
Are you aware of the fact that I am 45th in line to the throne? Well, that's not that close, is it? Well, that's not the point.
What is the point? The point ishave you ever come on a member of the Royal Family? Hey, hey, Charlotte! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey I didn't see you at the party.
I was working.
I had toI was in the labs It's OK.
I understand.
No, I don't think you I lost my father too.
Really? Really.
Accident while shooting.
Is that true? As I live and breathe.
Do you sometimes think that you can see him? All the time.
Only I had this terrible feeling after he diedsomething was wrong.
And I think I so wanted to talk to him that I must have imagined and it was a hallucination Hey, come here.
Wedgey! Wedgey! Wedgey! Hail the fools! Hail the fools! No, stop, stop.
Please.
It's my first time.
What? You're a virgin? Yeah.
Brilliant! Ow! Hail the fools! Hail the fools! In the middle of the fight there, I'm pretty sure I could see this girl giving me the eye.
Way to go, man! Silence! Where's Dorian? He should be first? Very well.
As Vice President of the Dandelion Club, I shall make the first slash.
Enjoying that, fools? Wow! Oh, wow! That was Is it always that good? No.
No, it isn't.
I never thought it could be so I mean, other people told me but Just give me two more minutes and we'll see if lightning strikes twice.
I've got a very nice bottle of bubbly.
Oh, God.
I can't believe I just You seduced me! I seduced you? I've got to get out of here.
What about round two? You areeverything I hate.
You're a cold mass of ungodliness and inherited prejudice and No! I never, ever want to see you again! I live next door to you! Come on! I know we're not ideally matched but we do seem toyou know.
How DARE you! Hey! Wait! Ow! Mate, I don't think that's rain.
Keep to the side.
Most of it misses.
So Rajwhat did you think of your first day at Trinity? It was interesting, but ultimately demoralising.
You got any bifter? Yeah.
I kept some in my thong! Hail the fools! Hail the fools! Dandelions! Camelot.
Are you secure? -We are secure, Avalon.
And are you quite well? Quite well, thank you.
We wish you a happy start to the term.
Thank you very much.
When you're ready.
Galahad is displaying the following characteristics.
40, 76, GH 92 .
.
LB 65 over 80.
Do you both confirm these statistics? Yes.
We do.
Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
The future will come sooner than they think.
Ready to go again, champ? I love this place! I think my cock's touching your leg.
Raj, I thought uni was going to be way better than this.
Woooh! Vote for Charlotte Arc! Now the party's getting hot.
I'm very handsome and I fuck like a champ.
Well I've got news for you Dorian Gaudain: you can't have me.
Again.
Sorry about that ladies.
Where were we? Awesome.
I'm holding my shotgun to your horse's head.
You are staring directly at my vagina.
You are trying to pull the wool over my eyes.
Naughty, very naughty.
You don't want the press poking around, do you? You're hiding something.
You don't know what they're doing to me.
For fuck's sake, you are my friend but I will see you dead and dishonoured because they will tell me to do it.
Argh! Guard the project, protect the Dandelion Club.
This whole college is rotten from the bottom to the very top.
Especially the top.
Where do you want to do this? Tell me! Tell me what you know! Bad news.
He's dead.
He was just sitting there and said "libens, volens, potens!" Come on, Charlotte.
Cum Trinitatis Cum Trinitatis Nos impluvis, nos adiuvis It's Pete, isn't it? I'm Rosalind.
I'm new.
Pleasure and a privilege.
Could you tell me where Lord Gaudain's room is? Well, we're not supposed to give out students' room numbers.
Mm Front quad, staircase two.
Room 15.
You've been ever so helpful.
Knight to king bishop's four.
Good move! Rook to H7.
Check! You blighter! You absolute bloody blighter! Isn't this place amazing? Yeah.
Unbelievable.
Dorian.
How's my most dashing cousin? All the better for the sight of you, coz.
How's Uncle Harry? Making a fuss about the estate.
And Auntie Bea? On a beach in Buenos Aires.
It was your Dad's favourite Bible.
I thought, now you're here, it'd be like he was here with you.
Thanks, Mum.
I suppose I'll be off, then.
It's been two weeks, Charlotte.
You won't talk about Dad.
I haven't seen you cry.
I'm dealing with it my own way.
You can't understand how Trinity changed Dad - what it did to him.
This is a wicked place, Charlotte.
You can't say that.
Oh, those two are married, are they? People did it at school too, Mum.
I've saved myself till now.
Dad would be happy to hear that.
I'd best be going.
Be careful, won't you? Mum Why did Dad leave Trinity? I'll pray for you, Charlotte.
Cooper? Linus? Ah, here you are.
Dr Maltravers.
How's Galahad? Not good.
We need a new hourglass, or I think we might be in trouble, Edmund.
Have you got a printout from his readings? Give me your pencil.
What are you doing? Don't want our superiors getting jittery, do we? Now I've got to go and oversee the arrival of this year's little shits, not least among them the daughter of the late lamented Richard Arc.
Great! Hey! What? I'm still loaded here.
So? So finish me off.
Don't be sick! I'm your cousin! Hello.
Where did you spring from? Theo.
I'm from Lewisham.
Oh! My uncle owns Lewisham! Your uncle owns Lewisham? I'm Rosalind.
Hi.
So, what do you think of this place? Well, I wasn't too impressed to start with butthings are looking up.
I'm way out of your league.
Are you sure? You see, my uncle, he owns a garden centre.
There's a party tonight.
The Feast of Fools.
Is that an invite? No.
It's quite hard to get into.
Yeah, well, I'm good at getting into things.
Pleased to hear it.
Maybe see you later, then.
Yeah, maybe.
Hi.
I'm Charlotte Arc.
We're neighbours! Nice to meet you.
Yeah.
Erm, I've invited a few people for tea and biscuits in my room.
Thought you might like to come along.
Yeah.
Why not? You're Theo Mackenzie, aren't you? Yeah.
I came top in three of my four A-levels.
I just had to find out who beat me in the fourth.
Right.
I am a Christian, yes.
We're Christians.
OK, the thing I'm dying to ask Biology A-level, paper 2.
Question Yeah? What did you put? Hey, I hear there's a party tonight.
I doubt it.
You do know that Trinity doesn't have a Freshers' week? They expect us to study.
To study.
So there's no parties.
Well, unless you mean the Feast of Fools? The Dandelion Club party.
Upper-class twits.
Doubtless all the girls will end up taking their clothes off and offering themselves to the first available guy Right.
Just out of interest, how would Ior anyone else get to this party? You're not thinking of going, are you? Hey, look, you could come with me! I really don't think so.
I saw her first.
Hands off.
Well, this has been The biscuits were amazing.
Really good biscuits.
I guess I'll see youaround.
Age shall not wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety.
Thank you, Edmund.
This is it, then.
I'm very proud of you, you know.
You're going to do wonderfully here.
I hope so.
Thank you for everything.
My pleasure Warden.
20 years ago, a young graduate knocked at my door to interview for doctorate.
Slip of a thing, she was.
Short hair.
Rather reminiscent of an eight-year-old boy.
She stands before you now, as diminutive as ever, but with a string of academic posts and several books behind her.
Gentlemen, Marjorie, this is an ambitious woman.
A forward-thinking woman, a woman I know who clearly relishes the challenge of dragging our weary old institution into the so-called modern world.
I give you your new Warden, Dr Angela Donne.
Welcome back to Bridgeford.
Whoa! Almost dropped it then! I'll go.
Oh, bugger, it's the wrong box.
It's the wrong box! All my old toys, they were meant to be going to Africa! This was meant to be full of clothes! Oh, my God.
What were you thinking, Maddy?! You idiot! Maddy, right? Yeah.
Don't you think the people in Africa will probably prefer the clothes? Yeah.
Yeah, they will, won't they! I mean what were they going to do with a blinking My Little Pony? Eat it?! On the other hand, they are quite hungry, aren't they? The Africans.
Yeah.
Really old ones.
I guess I'll be seeing you around, then, yeah? Sorry, what's your name? Theo.
Thank you.
Bye.
Fit! I'm ready for my bedder now, thank you, Mr Dobkin.
Where's Ingrid? Oh, this is ridiculous! Oh, excuse me.
I was Oh! I can't get the key to er Damn.
Where's my bedder? She should be in your room.
That ogre?! I usually have a Swedish bedder.
Where is she? I imagine she's back in Gothenburg, recovering from the abortion that we paid for.
Bingo.
Maybe this termyou could keep your sperm in the bag? I'd be ever so grateful.
I want a new bedder.
Now.
Not possible.
Auburn hair please, since it's Michaelmas! I always find redheads very Christmassy, don't you? Dorian, you should know there have been some changes round here.
We have a new Warden.
A modernist, who leans more than somewhat to the left.
So get rid of him.
It's a her, actually.
A woman Warden? Does Daddy know about this? See yous later! See yous later! Bye, bye! I like your Vans.
I like yours.
Awesome.
Thanks.
Do you like Donnie Darko? The film movie? Aye.
Do you want to come to my room and get mashed? -Oh, aye, like! Awesome! I've taught at Bridgeford University for over 30 years.
The Seventies were the worst.
Hippies and lesbians pounding at the gates, demanding change.
'This is the 20th century,' they would say.
Do you know what you'd do in that situation? Nothing.
Young tick.
You give them something - something you can bear and they can call a victory.
Back then, we let women in.
Masterstroke! So when the Education Minister came to me last May and said 'this is 21st century,' I knew what had to be done.
This Warden's a publicity stunt? Well, she She was one of my PhD students.
Hard-working.
Pretty.
Ish.
An idealist.
The kind of fluff they like to see.
Well, stiff upper lip.
At least I have a party to look forward to.
Yes, that reminds me You are NOT touching the Feast of Fools! -Not me.
Her.
She can't! It's important to college morale! Picking two students from lower-class families to be your jesters for the year? Yes.
What's the problem? Dorian, it's not .
.
politic.
Honestly, what is happening to this place? Now look Who's that? Theo Mackenzie.
I interviewed him.
Surprisingly promising.
This is the finest academic institution in the country.
I go away for one summer, and you've turned it into a basketball team.
I'm going back to bed.
Dorian There's a girl on your corridor.
Charlotte Arc.
I want you to keep an eye on her? Is she pretty? She's a Christian.
Hmm.
Challenge.
Why, out of interest? Do you think she's a troublemaker? I knew her father.
Sogive me three guesses.
Missing your parents? Hey, hey My dad died recently.
I am so terribly sorry.
Where was his estate? You are landed, aren't you? If you count a terraced house in Leeds as landed.
My mistake.
I presumed you were of good breeding.
After all, you're so frightfully pretty.
Those cheekbones.
Like Eleanor of Aquitaine.
Why don't you have two tickets for a little party I'm having tonight.
A lovely thing like you would fit right in.
Lunch soon! Shower for me.
Yes? I was just wanted to say that what you said back there about breeding and me being pretty.
Well, I think Look, I believe in meritocracy, OK? So breeding doesn't mean you're pretty, and even if it didthat was wrong! Hey, I'm sorry.
Is that all? Erm Yes, thank you.
Very well, then.
Dr Cooper.
Unusual to see you here.
That's just what I was going to say.
He's so rarely out of his lab these days.
He takes his work seriously, don't you, Linus? The light came on.
Midnight.
Mm.
Is there a problem? I'm not sure I'm going to have enough time.
Of course you will.
Of course you will.
Angela.
Gabriel.
Gabriel Lloyd.
Did you get taller? Probably just .
.
standing up straighter.
You haven't changed.
No? No, not at all.
Except your hair's longer, obviously.
A few less freckles dappling your nose.
I have to apologise.
I was supposed to come to your introductory speech.
And I wanted to come but I didn't.
And then I sat there at my desk and I thought this is silly.
I have to clear the air sooner or later, so I'm sorry for what I said last time we met.
It was 20 years ago.
You remember.
I told you I loved you.
Good Luck.
Thank you.
Yes, well, I just want you to know a lot's changed here.
A lot.
I've changed.
Lloyd.
Get into line.
Sorry.
Maybe we could have a coffee sometime.
Catch up.
Lloyd! So question 41, Angus Fergus what are your major ambitions here at Trinity? I suppose, if I were honest, Raj Puri .
.
my major ambition would be to .
.
lose my virginity.
Snap.
I mean, at school, I had a lot of offers - a great number of offers, but I just didn't seem to get round to it.
Snap, man.
I mean, me too, you know.
It's just like Sex is like, so manic, isn't it? It's like you get one chance and you have to, like, grab it then and there.
You know? Like, honestly, it's not chilled.
It's not cool.
Sex is uncool.
It is way uncool.
Snap, man.
Still, II guess we should have some.
Aye.
Yeah.
Aye.
Yeah.
This lunch thing's soon, isn't it? Fear not my friend.
If there's one defining characteristic of Raj Puri - me - it's that I NEVER lose track of time.
Raj Puri.
Raj Puri? Madeleine Talbot.
Charlotte Charlotte Arc.
Welcome to Trinity, Charlotte.
Is that an engagement ring? Gethin - that's my boyfriend - he said there'd probably be loads of chances for me to have meaningless sex at university, and he didn't want me doing that.
So wewe got engaged.
That's a bit casual, isn't it? Yeah! It's just a light-hearted engagement, really.
It's not like we're going to and get married or anything.
Further out, sir.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Further still.
Right, thanks.
And that's the lady's glass.
Sorry.
And you're not supposed to drink before grace.
Cheers, mate.
What is their problem? They are picky.
But if you read the Freshers' brochure, it's Stand for grace! Alpha row, could you begin, please? Bendedia, Domine Nos et haec tua dona Qua de tua largitate sumus sumpturi Charlotte Don't tell me you didn't learn the grace! OK, let's be clear here.
I didn't read the stupid Freshers' leaflet.
I didn't know this was going to be so Per Christum Dominum nostrum Mensa Coelesti Oh, shit.
He doesn't know it.
Participes faciat nos.
One more time.
Participes faciat nos.
Parsnipssatchatoast? Sorry.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Go on, say something, please.
Rex aeternae gloriae! Watch it! Sorry.
Sorry, mate.
Hey, you're in that Marigold Club.
Dandelion Club.
Yeah, that's the one.
I'm its President.
Oh, nice one.
Hey, I hear you're having a party tonight.
That's right.
Finally! Thank God! Someone round here doing something normal.
Listen, mate, I was thinking I could come along.
You have to be a member of the Dandelion Club if you want to come to the party.
It's something of a commitment.
Well, I'm a committed kind of bloke.
Good.
Good.
OK.
Well We are a student society wholly devoted to the pursuit of pleasure.
When you're a Dandelion, you're not expected to work.
You are, however, expected to drink an awful lot and have sex with the most beautiful women.
Are you the kind of guy who could handle that? Yeah, I reckon so.
So how do I join? You can't, because your parents are poor.
Warden! Warden! I'm Dorian, President of the Dandelion Club.
If it's about the Feast of Fools, I'm sorry but there's no arguing the matter.
It's a college tradition.
Perhaps you're not aware - I was here 20 years ago.
I remember the Dandelion club.
Dorian, not troubling the Warden, are you? I was just explaining my decision to cancel the Feast of Fools.
Quite right.
The college has to move with the times.
Does it? Forcing two students to be your jesters for the year against their will? My dear boy, it smacks of slavery.
Quite.
So, Dorian, shall we let that be the last word? Of course, if a couple of students were to volunteer, then.
Who would volunteer? I admit it's unlikely.
But, purely hypothetically, if they did, then the college would have to respect their decision.
What's your position on this matter, Warden? Well, if they were to volunteer, there'd be nothing I could do.
Find your fools and get on with it.
Just make sure they agree to the job.
No need to thank me.
Thank you? Where on earth am I going to find two people stupid enough to agree to being my slaves? Excuse me Is this where we meet for lunch? Cancel that last complaint.
Warden I-I'm a first year.
Charlotte Arc.
Charlotte.
How can I help you? I think you might have known my father.
Oh? I've got this photo of him from back then and you're in it.
I'm sure that's you.
Well, that's certainly seems to be me.
What did you say your father's name? Richard Arc.
Richard Arc.
Yes, he was in my doctorate group but we didn't know each other very well.
But I think I look a little drunk in that picture.
It's amazing the friends you make.
Look, my dad left Trinity very suddenly.
I was just hoping maybe you remembered something.
Charlotte, I think this is something you should take up with your father.
I would do.
I can't now.
He's dead.
He's dead? How? When? About two weeks ago.
Well, I'mI'm sorry.
As I said, I didn't really know your father very well.
Could you I'm really very busy.
Thought we could walk down to our first tutorial together.
I'm leaving.
What? Why? Well, let me see.
Maybe it's the weird people.
Or the strange cutlery.
Or the fact I got laughed at by the entire college.
I just get the impression this place isn't really for me.
It's Trinity.
Everyone finds it a bit strange.
Charlotte, this place is fucking mental! How can you be so blase? You got into Trinity! Yeah, and five other places.
It's just a university, Charlotte.
No, it's the best university! Well, not for me.
You know, you're pretty see-through.
You make out that this is all because you're so cool and normal.
But you know what's really going on? You're scared.
So what if I am! It's easy for you.
You've probably wanted to come here since you were five.
You fit in.
I don't feel like I fit in.
Trust me.
You do.
Well, my dad didn't.
He was here for ten years.
He was brilliant, my mum said.
And then suddenly he left.
Because something happened to him here.
He'd never even talk about it, he never explained.
He was justsad.
He was always sad And now he's dead.
So don't pretend that this is easier for me than you, because this place freaks me out! And I reckon I've got better reasons than you.
Right, I'm going to my tutorial now.
Maybe I'll see you there.
Look 'We agree to do the Dandelion Club's bidding in all things, regardless of embarrassment to ourselves or those near to us for the term of one year.
' Are there going to be girls at this party? Oh, yes.
What do we have to do again? Just be yourselves.
If you could just sign it in your own blood.
Just kidding.
Red ink will do nicely.
Excuse me.
Can I give my key back? This way, young sir.
Something not to your liking? Seriously, mate, I just want to give my key back.
Leaving us already, Theo? Five hours at Trinity.
Something to tell your kids about.
What? I thought you'd last longer, that's all.
Yeah, well, no offence, but this place What's wrong with it? Too many people like me? You know the first Lord Gaudain was a country squire, not that much better than a peasant.
He invented a new way of manufacturing sword handles.
Great.
It made him hundreds of thousands of pounds.
Billions in today's money.
I don't think there's been a member of my family who hasn't been to this university since.
Yeah.
Heart-warming.
Make a good Christmas film.
There are two kinds of people who matter, Theo.
Those who have it and those who earn it.
I have it.
You have to earn it.
Your bags are being delivered to your room as we speak, Miss Gaudain.
Thanks, Pete.
Nice meeting you.
Right.
I'm Dr Maltravers.
I have been a fellow of this college for over 30 years, and my research has resulted in the development of dioxypeptisol - the miracle cancer drug you may have read about.
Miss Arc, isn't it? Is that the dioxypeptisol originally thought to be a fix for incipient glaucoma? There were some initial problems identifying its precise benefit.
The enquiry said that official approval had been rushed through.
40 babies went blind.
Funny that I should see the day that my ethics should be called into question by the daughter of Richard Arc.
This term Sorry I'm late.
Hm.
Well, come in, Mr Mackenzie.
Close the door, please.
As I was saying, this term, it is anatomy.
And here at Trinity's very own mortuary, you will each be dissecting your own corpse.
The first tutorial is tomorrow morning, which means one of you must work overnight in the labs preparing a presentation on the topic, 'the mechanics of the arm'.
Miss Arc, you seem a keen student.
Yes.
Good.
Well, I look forward to your presentation tomorrow morning at 9am.
Excuse me, Mr Mackenzie.
See you all then.
You're going to be up all night.
Yeah.
I'm going to be slaving away here while you're living it up at the Dandelion Club Party.
What? It's not really my thing anyway.
Take Maddy.
Asexual mitosis.
Biology A-level, question number 13.
Oh! I didn't think of that.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
And representing the comprehensive school system, here's Maddy Talbot and Theo Mackenzie.
Oh, Theo, everybody's so clever and beautiful and posh.
Oh, Theo, everybody's so clever and beautiful and posh.
Shut up! You're going to be the most elegant girl at this party.
Do you think? Definitely.
Come on.
Whoa, whoa Y-Y-Y-Your dress, your pants.
You might want to Oh! Hey, Mads! Ah! Peasants! Well, come in! Wipe your filthy boots! What's in the box? You know, Angus, this is going to be really good for us.
You think? No doubt! See, the first step to sex is getting girls to notice you.
After tonight, every girl in college is gonna know exactly who we are.
No doubt! No doubt! Nooooo doubt! No doubt! Noooo doubt! What's the matter, coz? You don't think I'm being unseemly? Listen, I'm about to make a speech.
Then we could finish what we started earlier.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- You left me gagging.
Aw, bless! Dorian, it was only natural we should want to do it once.
All that horseplay in the stables and games of Twister at Christmas.
Who wouldn't feel a bit incestuous? But it was just a silly act of rebellion.
I'm over it now.
It was just this morning! I'm over it now! If I could just have people's attention, please.
Whoo! OK.
well, this will be new to some of you, but one thing that the Feast of Fools has got to have isfools! (CHEERING) And, due to a few extra restrictions, it's been a hard job finding them this year.
But I've done my best and I think I can safely say I've come up with a couple of absolute stars.
I give youJester Primus - Mr Angus Fergus and Jester Secundus - Mr Raj Puri! Rules of the game.
The first fool to hold the golden ball aloft is the winner.
On my whistle.
Just as we discussed, chaps.
Show these girls what you're made of.
I like the way you move A grand on the brown one.
Angie Got your message.
I didn't think you were going to get in touch so soon.
Did you know Richard was dead? Did you know he was dead? I did.
Did you go to his funeral? No.
Why didn't you call me? I had to find out from his daughter! Well, you haven't exactly kept in touch.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound curt.
I always thought I'd see him again.
Really? Richard was pretty determined not to see anyone.
I thought about him every day, Gabriel.
Every day.
I'm sorry, Angie, I can't.
I can't weep for Richard Arc.
THE KILLERS: Somebody Told Me Do you not approve? Well, you know, each to their own.
Are you aware of the fact that I am 45th in line to the throne? Well, that's not that close, is it? Well, that's not the point.
What is the point? The point ishave you ever come on a member of the Royal Family? Hey, hey, Charlotte! Hey, hey, hey.
Hey I didn't see you at the party.
I was working.
I had toI was in the labs It's OK.
I understand.
No, I don't think you I lost my father too.
Really? Really.
Accident while shooting.
Is that true? As I live and breathe.
Do you sometimes think that you can see him? All the time.
Only I had this terrible feeling after he diedsomething was wrong.
And I think I so wanted to talk to him that I must have imagined and it was a hallucination Hey, come here.
Wedgey! Wedgey! Wedgey! Hail the fools! Hail the fools! No, stop, stop.
Please.
It's my first time.
What? You're a virgin? Yeah.
Brilliant! Ow! Hail the fools! Hail the fools! In the middle of the fight there, I'm pretty sure I could see this girl giving me the eye.
Way to go, man! Silence! Where's Dorian? He should be first? Very well.
As Vice President of the Dandelion Club, I shall make the first slash.
Enjoying that, fools? Wow! Oh, wow! That was Is it always that good? No.
No, it isn't.
I never thought it could be so I mean, other people told me but Just give me two more minutes and we'll see if lightning strikes twice.
I've got a very nice bottle of bubbly.
Oh, God.
I can't believe I just You seduced me! I seduced you? I've got to get out of here.
What about round two? You areeverything I hate.
You're a cold mass of ungodliness and inherited prejudice and No! I never, ever want to see you again! I live next door to you! Come on! I know we're not ideally matched but we do seem toyou know.
How DARE you! Hey! Wait! Ow! Mate, I don't think that's rain.
Keep to the side.
Most of it misses.
So Rajwhat did you think of your first day at Trinity? It was interesting, but ultimately demoralising.
You got any bifter? Yeah.
I kept some in my thong! Hail the fools! Hail the fools! Dandelions! Camelot.
Are you secure? -We are secure, Avalon.
And are you quite well? Quite well, thank you.
We wish you a happy start to the term.
Thank you very much.
When you're ready.
Galahad is displaying the following characteristics.
40, 76, GH 92 .
.
LB 65 over 80.
Do you both confirm these statistics? Yes.
We do.
Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
The future will come sooner than they think.
Ready to go again, champ? I love this place! I think my cock's touching your leg.
Raj, I thought uni was going to be way better than this.
Woooh! Vote for Charlotte Arc! Now the party's getting hot.
I'm very handsome and I fuck like a champ.
Well I've got news for you Dorian Gaudain: you can't have me.
Again.
Sorry about that ladies.
Where were we? Awesome.
I'm holding my shotgun to your horse's head.
You are staring directly at my vagina.
You are trying to pull the wool over my eyes.
Naughty, very naughty.
You don't want the press poking around, do you? You're hiding something.
You don't know what they're doing to me.
For fuck's sake, you are my friend but I will see you dead and dishonoured because they will tell me to do it.
Argh! Guard the project, protect the Dandelion Club.
This whole college is rotten from the bottom to the very top.
Especially the top.