Trinity s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
Richard Arc, he's dead.
Dorianthere's a girl on your corridor.
Charlotte Arc.
Do you think she's a troublemaker? I think this is something you need to bring up with your father.
He's dead.
Dr Maltravers.
How is Galahad? Not good.
You have to be a member of the Dandelion Club to come to the Dandelion Club Party.
Is this where we meet for lunch? So how do I join? You can't because your parents are poor.
I just get the impression this place isn't really for me.
There are two kinds of people who matter, Theo.
Those who have it, and those who earn it.
I have it.
You have to earn it.
What do we have to do? Just be yourselves.
The point is, have you ever come on a member of the Royal Family? Dad? I thought about him every day, Gabriel.
I can't weep for Richard Arc.
You're a virgin? Yeah.
Brilliant! Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
The future will come sooner than they think.
Come on! Row! Come on! Dig deep! Faster! Faster! They're gaining! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Bravo, bravo.
Dig deep! Harder! Harder! Well bloody done! Yes! Yes! Bravo! Bravo! Well bloody done! Should he be doing this? It's far less than he's capable of.
He's come on in leaps and bounds.
I can see that.
Yeah! Yeah! Physically, I'm pleased.
Psychologically? He's kept it together so far.
We've been lucky.
Edmund, we need that hourglass.
Never mind, Rupert! It's coming in tomorrow.
How did you get it through? With difficulty.
Still they can't look everywhere.
It's coming in on the statue.
The statue? Mm.
Don't worry.
Everything's going to be fine.
Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
Rupert cane in second! Better luck next time! So.
this whole thing about being the college jesters.
Ha.
Oh, yeah.
I've written a list of pros and cons.
Oh.
Pro - people notice us.
Con - people piss on us.
That's one each, isn't it? Hm.
I guess we're undecided there.
I don't wanna do it.
I think we should tell Dorian we're out.
Are you sure? He's supposed to be a pretty artful customer, this Dorian guy.
And are we not artful customers? Yeah? Stop it! Ah! Fools! Pop along to my study for elevenses.
You again? You've been here every day since the start of term.
Yes.
I'm Ross.
Charlotte.
Soyou must have done a pretty bad thing.
Sorry, I don't mean to pry.
I saw my dad last week.
He's dead.
He passed away a month ago.
But you saw him Yeah.
That's kind of the problem.
I know it must have been some sort of hallucination with all the grief and stress.
It was just before I did 'the bad thing'.
I met a boy.
I see.
I promised Dad, you know.
I always said I would save myself for marriage.
So now I can't help thinking that maybe he came back fromwherever to warn me.
Do you believe in that? That people come back from the dead? Yeah.
At the last judgement all the dead will rise.
I believe that.
That's the book of Revelation.
It's pretty old school.
'And when the thousand years are expired, 'Satan shall be loosed out of his prison.
'And shall go out to deceive the nations 'of the four corners of the earth '.
.
and gather them for war '.
.
and their number shall be as the sand of the sea.
' Memorising The Bible.
That's veryold school.
It's the only bit that I know.
I'd better go.
It was nice to meet you, Charlotte.
You know, there's nothing so bad you can't make up for it.
Oh, you're here.
I waited in the Senior Common Room.
I moved it in here.
Did you not get my note? You moved our first council meeting to your study? Cosier, I thought.
Well, let's get started? First on the agenda, our statue, Byron And The Greek - Thank you, Warden.
It's arriving from Italy this afternoon.
Apparently, the refurbishment has been an unqualified success.
All that remains is the small matter of the bill: some sixty thousand pounds.
Sixty thousand? What happened to it? Can I just convey the Dandelion Club's sincerest apologies? Painting the scrotal sack of one figure was bad enough, but to go on to paint the helmet, the shaft, and the gonads of a great poet like Byron, now appears, with the benefit of hindsight, to have been a very immature thing to do.
How many years in a row have the Dandelion Club vandalised this statue? Playing pranks upon the statue is college tradition.
It's what makes TrinityTrinity.
The Dandelion Club is extremely wealthy, and if they choose to persist in this tradition, I think it fair they cover the cost themselves.
The council would, of course, need to vote on that.
All those in favour? All those against? Well, that's that, then.
Word of advice, Angela.
Leave the Dandelion Club alone.
Saves arguments.
Now, moving on.
The forthcoming elections for student rep.
So, you're running for what? Student Rep.
You get to sit on the College Council, vote on important issues.
Doesn't sound very you.
The election's a popularity contest.
I know everyone loves me, but it's nice to have it in writing.
Anyone want a game? Yeah.
Yeah, why not? Nice one.
So are you going to come and watch me play? Maybe wrap your arms around me as I take a shot.
Is my name Rosalind or Shaznay? I've got lectures.
I'll see you later.
I'll check out your cuemanship then.
Let's mess with them.
Come on, then.
Rack 'em up.
OK! It's all over, chaps.
Excuse me.
We were about to play.
Come on, mate.
They're Dandelions.
We'll leave it for now.
Can't decipher his accent, but I think your mate's got the general idea.
Look, it's winner stays on.
How about you and your mate play us for it? Let's make it more interesting.
Whoever wins takes the table and 500 pounds.
Done.
MateI can't afford that.
We're not going to lose to these guys.
I wouldn't count on that! Mummy had a billiards table in the ballroom.
I grew up with this stuff.
Dorian.
A word.
Tight grip you have there, Dean.
It's about the statue.
I know you boys think it's your personal plaything.
But, just for today, no funny business.
Dean, you misjudge me.
I'm serious.
You don't want to do anything to damage our special relationship, now, do you.
Don't I? No.
You don't.
Don't give yourself a heart attack, old man.
We won't touch the statue, OK? Just you wait and see.
Yes! One more, now, one more.
Focus, now.
£500, eh, boys? Damn! Come on, Theo.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Yes, get in there.
Well done.
Come on.
Yes, get in there.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Come on, mate.
She'll never stay with you, you know.
What? She'llnever staywithyou.
Last one.
About there.
Yes.
Get in there! Well done, mate! Thank you.
Yeah! Well done, Theo.
Yes! Ha ha ha! Thank you very much.
Seriouslythank you.
Loser! Loser! Ross is a loser! Easy! Easy! Easy! Jesus! Ross! Ross! Get him out of here! It's OK! It's OK! Forget it! What the hell's going on here?! What the hell's going on here? All right, bonnie lad.
We'll get you sorted out.
Somebody fetch some ice.
Come on.
That's it.
Deep breaths.
There you go, son.
Here at Bridgeford, you have probably been wondering what else your position as fools will entail.
Byron And The Greek, a statue in gold by the renowned Lewis Calthorpe.
It depicts the great poet, Byron with a Greek soldier.
Yes, that's right they are gaying it up.
The statue is Trinity's most famous artefact and for 60 years every Dandelion Club president has engineered some sort of prank upon its person.
In 1950, they painted Byron's penis blue.
In 1979, it was the year of the arse cracks.
Two years ago, they painted his jollies green.
To be honest, it's got repetitive.
Until this year.
Is this where we come in? Today, the statue is being returned to college.
The Dandelion Club is going to steal it, and we want you to pose in its place as we make an escape.
You want us to pretend to be a statue?! The greatest jape ever perpetrated by this illustrious society.
And you and you, the starring actors.
You will be naked, and painted with this gold paint.
Look, we want to talk about this, OK? You will be drugged to promote inertia.
Er I'm sorry.
There is nothing in our contract about being drugged.
Yeah! We're not doing it! How disappointing.
Enjoying that tea? Yeah, it's nice.
Mmm.
Different tasting.
Hm.
Hint of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah.
Nice, though.
Really nice.
He just came at me.
He threw me against the wall.
Hardly knew what happened after that.
He was well strong.
Did you provoke him? I called him a loser.
Does that count? No, that doesn't count.
I'm afraid this isn't over yet, David.
I'm going to need you to give evidence at a tribunal.
You're gonna kick him out of college, right? If the tribunal finds him guilty, then, yes.
Ma'am.
Pete, who else witnessed the attack? I've got their names.
These are all Dandelion Club members.
That's right.
You want me to start rounding them up? No, it's all right, thanks, Pete.
Bugger.
What? David, you haven't got any witnesses.
There were loads of people there.
They were Dandelion Club members.
They'll say that you started it, that it was a fair fight and you came off worst.
Anything to save him and fix the blame on you.
There was a non Dandelion there.
Was there? Who? Is he going to be all right? Come on, then, boys.
The statue's arrived.
I'm Jonty.
There's been a change of plan.
Angelacould I have a word? Lloyd, coffee.
Ross Bonham is our finest rowing prospect since records began.
Students look up to him.
The press know who he is.
What's your point? A tribunal has to be in public.
It's conspicuous and embarrassing.
Whereas the Dandelion Club, on the other hand, has it's own private disciplinary procedures.
So why not let us punish him, and then the whole matter needn't get out of hand? Does the Dandelion Club have the power to expel Ross from college? No, but surely even you weren't thinking - Sorry, Angie, did you want anything? Just water.
The boy beat another student senseless.
Well, good luck with the tribunal.
Witnesses to these things are very hard to come by in my experience.
Oh, we have a witness.
Theo Mackenzie.
I'm not sure I'd be very prepared to accept the evidence of a single student.
Let's see whether the tribunal agrees with you.
You and I, of course, are on the tribunal, but who's the crucial third judge? Someone just as impartial, I trust.
Oh, absolutely.
It's Gabriel.
I brought some ginger biscuits.
I remember you like them, Angie.
What? You know, when I was a kid I used to love watching the athletics.
Hundred metres.
You black guys are bloody fast.
Hats off to you.
Great.
Look, what do you want? I need to talk to you about my cousin.
I'm concerned for you.
Rosalind's always been a heartbreaker.
I'm not interested in your opinions of my sex life.
The whole Princess loves the Pauper thing.
It's all very fairytale, but these things don't end happily.
Unless, of course, the Pauper becomes a Prince.
You asked me last week if you could join the Dandelion Club.
Pull out of this tribunal and we're happy to have you.
Ah, Spod.
Hmph! You'll get all the usual privileges.
No work.
Your degree guaranteed.
Plus the odds of you keeping Rosalind will shoot up.
And if, perish the thought, it does go wrong, you'll have the pick.
Girls like a bit of rough.
But in my experience they prefer a nicely laundered waistcoat.
OK.
Just one question.
Fire away.
Should I join the Dandelion Club, if I am convinced it's full of wankers? Well, we're a broad bunch.
Think about it for Rosalind's sake.
Woah, woah, woah.
This is the wrong room.
This is definitely the wrong room.
You didn't see us, right? OK, we're off.
Come on.
And so our statue is returned to us once more.
Let's hope it remained undefiled for longer than last time.
Fellows, Dr Haleford, studentsByron And The Greek.
Mate, do not move.
We can't move.
Oh, yeah.
I know it's a long time since I've seen it, but the musculature seems less defined than I remember.
Really? I think they're lovely.
Lovely buttocks.
Lovely.
Lovely buttocks.
Is he talking about your arse or mine? Yours, Gaylord.
What do you think? Flyer for the student Rep campaign.
You've got my vote.
Doesn't look like I'll need it.
No-one else is nominating against me.
Cowards.
Dorian came to speak to me earlier.
He offered to make me a member of the Dandelion Club.
I told him to shove it.
Rejected the olive branch, eh? Shame, you'd look good in a tailcoat.
Yeah.
Well, you've got to do the right thing, haven't you? You're taking all of this tribunal stuff very lightly.
What's that supposed to mean? Just that in general people don't mess with the Dandelion Club.
Look, I'm not afraid of those inbreeds.
Would that be the inbreeds whose President I'm related to? Oh, well, you know I didn't mean Hmm.
Hi.
Whoops! Come in! Hi.
Do you remember me? Yes, of course.
Charlotte.
Look, I heard about what happened this morning.
I thought maybe you'd like to talk about it.
You know this song? Daisy, Daisy Give me your answer, do I I'm half crazy All for the love of you It won't be a stylish marriage I can't afford a carriage But you'll look sweet upon the seat Of a bicycle made for two I will stand by you in wheel or woe Daisy, Daisy Ross! You'll be the bell that I'll ring, you know My sweet little Daisy Bell Ross! You don't know what they're doing to me! Get out.
Babe, what's happening to you? Well, now, that is terrible.
I see what you mean sir.
Yeah.
So what happens next? Me, I'm going back to the lodge to finish my sandwich.
Coronation Chicken.
Very tasty.
But what about all this? If I were you, I'd clear up this mess, sir.
No.
I mean, The Dandelion Club - they've trashed my room.
Sounds unlikely, sir.
What I'd advise is tidy up now and not let it get like this again.
A little bit every day will do wonders.
I did tell you.
What? Ross Bonham's popular in the Dandelion Club.
So this is OK with you? I'm just saying Trinity's been here a long time.
It has conventions and customs you don't understand.
It might have been best to wait until you did before messing with them.
You know, your cousin was right about you.
I very much doubt that.
You're on their side.
I'm on their side? How old are you? Six? Oh, fuck off.
You can make that up to me later.
Ah, Gabriel.
Come in.
Come in.
Take that seat! You voted against me at this morning's council meeting.
Well, the Dandelions have plenty of money.
They could easily afford the restoration.
Should I be worried about you, Gabriel? Worried? Why would you worry about me? I sense Angela's return has disturbed you.
Remembrance of things past.
Well, we were so close.
She and me and Richard Hm.
Edmund, this tribunal - I am going to be impartial, you know.
Hmph.
I took Angela's latest book out of the library this morning.
Have you read it? Science - not really my thing.
No.
There's a rather touching dedication.
It's still Richard, isn't it? You know, Gabriel, I don't actually need you to win this tribunal.
But, I promise you, if you vote against me there, I will not only embarrass Angela, but I will humiliate her.
No-one in college will take her seriously again.
You don't want that, do you? You're bluffing.
Well, off you go, Gabriel.
You've a first-class mind.
One of our stars.
It saddens me to see you still running around after Angie Donne.
She's not interested in you.
She never was.
Very handsome.
I'll finish your shoes.
They'll ask if you want to say anything.
And when they do you'll stay quiet.
Leave everything to Maltravers and Dorian.
I'll talk if I want to.
No! No, you'll say nothing.
Look, we can't afford another one of your funny turns.
One more word and they'll expel you.
So what? So What will I do then? What will I do without you? See you tomorrow.
Jealous? You know if you want another go, all you have to do is knock.
Let me pass please.
Hey! Are you not going to stop for a chat? If you want to talk to me, maybe you should start with an apology.
An apology? You took advantage of me! I'm not going to apologise for giving you your first orgasm.
And on your first time too.
Played one, won one.
How many girls manage that? Raj, I thought uni was going to be way better than this.
I think my cock's touching your leg.
Can you feel it? No.
Then it's not happening.
Angus? Yeah? Close your eyes.
Someone's coming.
Angus, my cock is definitely touching your leg.
'Who's "they", do you think?' Ross kept saying, 'You don't know what they're doing to me.
' Do you think he meant the Dandelions? I'm completely lost.
No, cos maybe the Dandelions forced Ross to beat David up.
Maybe it had all been planned, like some sort of a bet or a dare or initiation.
Oh, gangs do that.
Kelly and her gang made me eat a biscuit that she'd stuck up her Lulu! Look, Charlotte, nobody forced Ross to do anything.
I was there.
That's why I'm a witness.
But it would make total sense.
He was so nice to me in the chapel this morning.
It's weird that he change so suddenly? Yeah, well, while you ponder that, I'm going to get him kicked out of college.
What happened then, David? He came towards me, he grabbed me and threw me against the wall.
He was really strong, and I was so winded I couldn't get up.
After that I don't remember distinctly.
He punched me several times and I think he kicked me once.
That really hurt, and I remember voices telling Ross to stop.
And when I came round you were there and Pete was there Everything all right, Dr Maltravers.
Yes, fine.
Please continue.
Thank you, David.
Will Theo McKenzie please step forward? You say the attack was unprovoked? David called him a loser.
Well, we have seven witnesses to say that David threw more than one punch before Ross retaliated.
The only people to claim otherwise are David himself and now you.
How do you explain that? Are you saying the other students lied? Yes.
Why not? Yeah.
They're liars.
All of them.
Why would they lie? Do you really need me to explain? Please do.
Well, forgive me, if this sounds familiar, but there's a club at this college, full of posh people.
And if anyone from this club gets into trouble, they all gather round and help him.
Do you need me to go slower for you? Where are you from, Mr Mackenzie? Lewisham.
You see you're not what we might call a typical Trinity student.
What do you mean by 'typical'? In terms of upbringing.
It would be understandable if you harboured some resentment towards those from a more privileged background.
OK, I'm done.
Theo, don't be foolish.
You can't just step down.
And you can't ask me questions that have nothing to do with anything.
Now, I know what I saw.
I told you what I saw.
So unless you've got a reason to call me a liar, I suggest you let me go now.
Well done, Theo.
Ross, if the tribunal upholds the charge against you, you must understand that you will be expelled from college.
With that in mind, do you have anything to say in your defence? Or by way of an apology? Very well.
Dr Lloyd, do you uphold the charge against Ross Bonham? I do.
Come on! I do too.
This can't be.
Dr Maltravers? My decision is irrelevant, I believe.
Quite.
Ross, the charge has been proved against you.
I expect you out of the college by sunset.
This is an outrage! Come on! It's not true! It's not true.
I provoked Ross.
David, what are you doing? I whispered things.
I was looking for the fight.
What are you on about? You do realise what you're saying? The warden told me to say Ross attacked me.
She wanted to hurt the Dandelion Club.
She said it was my duty, that if I lied, it would be for the best.
I said nothing of the sort! So you're dropping the charge? This is deeply regrettable.
In your defence, you have owned up and it seems there's been an element of coercion.
BOYS: Hear hear! This is outrageous! Which is more than I can say for the witness.
Mr Mackenzie, you have lied to the tribunal.
I didn't.
You lied and I am imposing a fine.
I didn't.
You lied and I am imposing a fine.
This is rigged! A fine I shall increase for that remark.
Shall we say, £500? Come on, get it out! Bluffing, was I? Mate, I think I can feel my legs.
Yeah.
That tea's wearing off.
I'm going to try and get up.
Ah! ooh! I am never doing thatagain! The hour glass is hidden in the hand.
I looked, but I couldn't find anything.
I thought maybe I got the wrong figure or You probably got the wrong hand.
Who the hell are you? (APPALLING FRENCH ACCENT) Je su-is etudie de francais.
J'ai habite a Paris.
Baguettes.
He's French.
Raj! I mean, we're French.
Raj! I mean, we're French.
Konichiwa.
Go on! Don't let them get away! David! David! Dave Hi there.
Could you come back later? I need to talk to you.
Don't worry ladies.
Theo was just going.
Yeah.
Spoke to that president chappie.
Turns out one of my ancestors was a lord.
You Judas! Come on, mate.
I'm Dandelion now.
Is it really worth it? Sorry about that, ladies.
Where were we? What did you do to him? You made David change his plea! You know, I bet I can make you kiss me.
What? You see this laptop? You know they have cameras in them nowadays? Ingenious things.
They're used primarily to film soap stars and pre-teens wanking, but when angled correctly, they can produce much more stimulating results.
No, you didn't! Kiss me and I'll delete the file.
No.
How do I send an attachment to everyone in college? You know, I'm not actually - OK, yes, yes.
But you have to promise to delete that file.
I give you my word.
That's a two out of ten.
I think we can push above an eight.
Good.
Good.
I want to see you delete the file.
I would, but it doesn't exist.
I made it up.
Don't look so unhappy.
You wouldn't have done it if you hadn't wanted to.
I hate you! Just because your family's got money, you think you can run this place and you can have whatever and whoever you want.
Well, I've got news for you, Dorian Gaudain, you can't have ME .
.
again.
You can't have me again.
Bye bye! Where is it? Where's what? Don't you piss about with me! The statue! Byron and the Greek? Isn't it on its pedestal by now? No, it isn't and you bloody know it! This is a good bluff.
This is funny.
Come on, Dr M, let's not Argh! Any time you like, Dorian.
Oh, god! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
It's all right.
We've both been a bit under fire today.
Oh, Gabe, what am I doing here? I was happy at Liverpool.
I was respected and I've left everything behind for this fucking place! Well, I think it's good you came back.
Why? I can't change anything! I have just been humiliated in front of the whole college.
I cannot touch the Dandelion Club, it is pointless! I might have the thing to cheer you up.
Great (!) In 1528, Cardinal Wolsey created a post on the Trinity Council, the tribune of the commons.
Now, uniquely on this council, the tribune had the power to call a vote of everyone in college.
God, you really know how to make a girl feel better, don't you? So the tribune could call a vote about anything, really - have the buildings pulled down, change Trinity's name I'm sorry, it's not you, it's just Even abolish the Dandelion Club.
What? No-one's called a vote since the Civil war.
I don't think anyone else knows the vote exists.
Would it still work? This is Trinity.
Things don't change.
And this tribune post, would we need to revive it? Oh, the post still exists.
We just don't call it by that name any more.
It's the student rep! This bloody better be the real statue! Thank you.
Is the hour glass there? Ow! No! What's that? Just found it in my room.
Really spiritual, innit? I'm not safe.
I'm not safe.
Ross? I'm sorry.
Ross! Weird! Mate.
So you washed the gold off? Yeah.
Did you wash it all off? Maybe not all of it.
Have you still got a gold knob? Yeah! Have YOU? Yeah! My knob is gold! I'm imagining David with histoplasmosis.
What's that? It's a fungal disease of the blood.
The spores are inhaled and infect Hello? Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
No.
Hello, Charlotte.
Hi.
I'm sorry about what today.
If I'd known, I would never have dragged you into it.
Yeah, well, not your fault.
I am going to beat it, though, Theo.
I'm going to get rid of the Dandelion Club forever.
ButI'm going to need your help.
You're serious? It's going to be difficult, but what I think I need is a student rep I can trust.
So? So, the election is in two weeks, and I thought the ideal candidate might be you! Me? I can understand if you're apprehensive.
The Dandelions are powerful in college I'm not scared.
It's justthis girl I'm seeing.
She's running for student rep and I'll do it.
I hate the Dandelion Club.
I want to do it.
Right.
Good.
Great, Charlotte.
Come and see me in the morning and we'll ermmake plans.
Oh, well, this ain't gonna be awkward at all.
'Camelot.
Are you secure?' We are secure, Avalon.
'And are you quite well?' Quite well, thank you.
'Was the hour glass received safely?' It was not.
We believe it's on college premises, but we have yet to locate it.
'With regret, we recommend that you terminate.
' You can't! 'We understand your reaction.
We cannot afford a loose cannon.
You must find the hour glass and begin a new examination.
' Perhaps wewe could delay for two days while we search.
'That is not our recommendation.
This meeting is complete.
Guard the project, protect the Dandelion Club.
' So OK, you can come in.
That's not what I'm here for.
The Dandelion Club common room? No-one's allowed in.
They're very strict about that.
Imagine, a woman and a black man inside their inner sanctum! Their great seal.
Dandelions regard it as sacred.
I'm sorry, what are we doing here? After what happened today, I thought you might appreciate a little bit of payback.
Tell you something, this would really annoy them.
We've got a jumper! I felt very close to Ross.
He was a good boy, such a good boy.
Allow me to explain.
I am holding my shotgun to your horse's head.
Youlike me.
Whatever 'Look under the blades.
' You control Trinity's public relations? You're just a public relations stunt yourself! I don't think I've ever seen you so angry.
It's fascinating.
Dorianthere's a girl on your corridor.
Charlotte Arc.
Do you think she's a troublemaker? I think this is something you need to bring up with your father.
He's dead.
Dr Maltravers.
How is Galahad? Not good.
You have to be a member of the Dandelion Club to come to the Dandelion Club Party.
Is this where we meet for lunch? So how do I join? You can't because your parents are poor.
I just get the impression this place isn't really for me.
There are two kinds of people who matter, Theo.
Those who have it, and those who earn it.
I have it.
You have to earn it.
What do we have to do? Just be yourselves.
The point is, have you ever come on a member of the Royal Family? Dad? I thought about him every day, Gabriel.
I can't weep for Richard Arc.
You're a virgin? Yeah.
Brilliant! Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
The future will come sooner than they think.
Come on! Row! Come on! Dig deep! Faster! Faster! They're gaining! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! Bravo, bravo.
Dig deep! Harder! Harder! Well bloody done! Yes! Yes! Bravo! Bravo! Well bloody done! Should he be doing this? It's far less than he's capable of.
He's come on in leaps and bounds.
I can see that.
Yeah! Yeah! Physically, I'm pleased.
Psychologically? He's kept it together so far.
We've been lucky.
Edmund, we need that hourglass.
Never mind, Rupert! It's coming in tomorrow.
How did you get it through? With difficulty.
Still they can't look everywhere.
It's coming in on the statue.
The statue? Mm.
Don't worry.
Everything's going to be fine.
Guard the project.
Protect the Dandelion Club.
Rupert cane in second! Better luck next time! So.
this whole thing about being the college jesters.
Ha.
Oh, yeah.
I've written a list of pros and cons.
Oh.
Pro - people notice us.
Con - people piss on us.
That's one each, isn't it? Hm.
I guess we're undecided there.
I don't wanna do it.
I think we should tell Dorian we're out.
Are you sure? He's supposed to be a pretty artful customer, this Dorian guy.
And are we not artful customers? Yeah? Stop it! Ah! Fools! Pop along to my study for elevenses.
You again? You've been here every day since the start of term.
Yes.
I'm Ross.
Charlotte.
Soyou must have done a pretty bad thing.
Sorry, I don't mean to pry.
I saw my dad last week.
He's dead.
He passed away a month ago.
But you saw him Yeah.
That's kind of the problem.
I know it must have been some sort of hallucination with all the grief and stress.
It was just before I did 'the bad thing'.
I met a boy.
I see.
I promised Dad, you know.
I always said I would save myself for marriage.
So now I can't help thinking that maybe he came back fromwherever to warn me.
Do you believe in that? That people come back from the dead? Yeah.
At the last judgement all the dead will rise.
I believe that.
That's the book of Revelation.
It's pretty old school.
'And when the thousand years are expired, 'Satan shall be loosed out of his prison.
'And shall go out to deceive the nations 'of the four corners of the earth '.
.
and gather them for war '.
.
and their number shall be as the sand of the sea.
' Memorising The Bible.
That's veryold school.
It's the only bit that I know.
I'd better go.
It was nice to meet you, Charlotte.
You know, there's nothing so bad you can't make up for it.
Oh, you're here.
I waited in the Senior Common Room.
I moved it in here.
Did you not get my note? You moved our first council meeting to your study? Cosier, I thought.
Well, let's get started? First on the agenda, our statue, Byron And The Greek - Thank you, Warden.
It's arriving from Italy this afternoon.
Apparently, the refurbishment has been an unqualified success.
All that remains is the small matter of the bill: some sixty thousand pounds.
Sixty thousand? What happened to it? Can I just convey the Dandelion Club's sincerest apologies? Painting the scrotal sack of one figure was bad enough, but to go on to paint the helmet, the shaft, and the gonads of a great poet like Byron, now appears, with the benefit of hindsight, to have been a very immature thing to do.
How many years in a row have the Dandelion Club vandalised this statue? Playing pranks upon the statue is college tradition.
It's what makes TrinityTrinity.
The Dandelion Club is extremely wealthy, and if they choose to persist in this tradition, I think it fair they cover the cost themselves.
The council would, of course, need to vote on that.
All those in favour? All those against? Well, that's that, then.
Word of advice, Angela.
Leave the Dandelion Club alone.
Saves arguments.
Now, moving on.
The forthcoming elections for student rep.
So, you're running for what? Student Rep.
You get to sit on the College Council, vote on important issues.
Doesn't sound very you.
The election's a popularity contest.
I know everyone loves me, but it's nice to have it in writing.
Anyone want a game? Yeah.
Yeah, why not? Nice one.
So are you going to come and watch me play? Maybe wrap your arms around me as I take a shot.
Is my name Rosalind or Shaznay? I've got lectures.
I'll see you later.
I'll check out your cuemanship then.
Let's mess with them.
Come on, then.
Rack 'em up.
OK! It's all over, chaps.
Excuse me.
We were about to play.
Come on, mate.
They're Dandelions.
We'll leave it for now.
Can't decipher his accent, but I think your mate's got the general idea.
Look, it's winner stays on.
How about you and your mate play us for it? Let's make it more interesting.
Whoever wins takes the table and 500 pounds.
Done.
MateI can't afford that.
We're not going to lose to these guys.
I wouldn't count on that! Mummy had a billiards table in the ballroom.
I grew up with this stuff.
Dorian.
A word.
Tight grip you have there, Dean.
It's about the statue.
I know you boys think it's your personal plaything.
But, just for today, no funny business.
Dean, you misjudge me.
I'm serious.
You don't want to do anything to damage our special relationship, now, do you.
Don't I? No.
You don't.
Don't give yourself a heart attack, old man.
We won't touch the statue, OK? Just you wait and see.
Yes! One more, now, one more.
Focus, now.
£500, eh, boys? Damn! Come on, Theo.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Yes, get in there.
Well done.
Come on.
Yes, get in there.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Come on, mate.
She'll never stay with you, you know.
What? She'llnever staywithyou.
Last one.
About there.
Yes.
Get in there! Well done, mate! Thank you.
Yeah! Well done, Theo.
Yes! Ha ha ha! Thank you very much.
Seriouslythank you.
Loser! Loser! Ross is a loser! Easy! Easy! Easy! Jesus! Ross! Ross! Get him out of here! It's OK! It's OK! Forget it! What the hell's going on here?! What the hell's going on here? All right, bonnie lad.
We'll get you sorted out.
Somebody fetch some ice.
Come on.
That's it.
Deep breaths.
There you go, son.
Here at Bridgeford, you have probably been wondering what else your position as fools will entail.
Byron And The Greek, a statue in gold by the renowned Lewis Calthorpe.
It depicts the great poet, Byron with a Greek soldier.
Yes, that's right they are gaying it up.
The statue is Trinity's most famous artefact and for 60 years every Dandelion Club president has engineered some sort of prank upon its person.
In 1950, they painted Byron's penis blue.
In 1979, it was the year of the arse cracks.
Two years ago, they painted his jollies green.
To be honest, it's got repetitive.
Until this year.
Is this where we come in? Today, the statue is being returned to college.
The Dandelion Club is going to steal it, and we want you to pose in its place as we make an escape.
You want us to pretend to be a statue?! The greatest jape ever perpetrated by this illustrious society.
And you and you, the starring actors.
You will be naked, and painted with this gold paint.
Look, we want to talk about this, OK? You will be drugged to promote inertia.
Er I'm sorry.
There is nothing in our contract about being drugged.
Yeah! We're not doing it! How disappointing.
Enjoying that tea? Yeah, it's nice.
Mmm.
Different tasting.
Hm.
Hint of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah.
Nice, though.
Really nice.
He just came at me.
He threw me against the wall.
Hardly knew what happened after that.
He was well strong.
Did you provoke him? I called him a loser.
Does that count? No, that doesn't count.
I'm afraid this isn't over yet, David.
I'm going to need you to give evidence at a tribunal.
You're gonna kick him out of college, right? If the tribunal finds him guilty, then, yes.
Ma'am.
Pete, who else witnessed the attack? I've got their names.
These are all Dandelion Club members.
That's right.
You want me to start rounding them up? No, it's all right, thanks, Pete.
Bugger.
What? David, you haven't got any witnesses.
There were loads of people there.
They were Dandelion Club members.
They'll say that you started it, that it was a fair fight and you came off worst.
Anything to save him and fix the blame on you.
There was a non Dandelion there.
Was there? Who? Is he going to be all right? Come on, then, boys.
The statue's arrived.
I'm Jonty.
There's been a change of plan.
Angelacould I have a word? Lloyd, coffee.
Ross Bonham is our finest rowing prospect since records began.
Students look up to him.
The press know who he is.
What's your point? A tribunal has to be in public.
It's conspicuous and embarrassing.
Whereas the Dandelion Club, on the other hand, has it's own private disciplinary procedures.
So why not let us punish him, and then the whole matter needn't get out of hand? Does the Dandelion Club have the power to expel Ross from college? No, but surely even you weren't thinking - Sorry, Angie, did you want anything? Just water.
The boy beat another student senseless.
Well, good luck with the tribunal.
Witnesses to these things are very hard to come by in my experience.
Oh, we have a witness.
Theo Mackenzie.
I'm not sure I'd be very prepared to accept the evidence of a single student.
Let's see whether the tribunal agrees with you.
You and I, of course, are on the tribunal, but who's the crucial third judge? Someone just as impartial, I trust.
Oh, absolutely.
It's Gabriel.
I brought some ginger biscuits.
I remember you like them, Angie.
What? You know, when I was a kid I used to love watching the athletics.
Hundred metres.
You black guys are bloody fast.
Hats off to you.
Great.
Look, what do you want? I need to talk to you about my cousin.
I'm concerned for you.
Rosalind's always been a heartbreaker.
I'm not interested in your opinions of my sex life.
The whole Princess loves the Pauper thing.
It's all very fairytale, but these things don't end happily.
Unless, of course, the Pauper becomes a Prince.
You asked me last week if you could join the Dandelion Club.
Pull out of this tribunal and we're happy to have you.
Ah, Spod.
Hmph! You'll get all the usual privileges.
No work.
Your degree guaranteed.
Plus the odds of you keeping Rosalind will shoot up.
And if, perish the thought, it does go wrong, you'll have the pick.
Girls like a bit of rough.
But in my experience they prefer a nicely laundered waistcoat.
OK.
Just one question.
Fire away.
Should I join the Dandelion Club, if I am convinced it's full of wankers? Well, we're a broad bunch.
Think about it for Rosalind's sake.
Woah, woah, woah.
This is the wrong room.
This is definitely the wrong room.
You didn't see us, right? OK, we're off.
Come on.
And so our statue is returned to us once more.
Let's hope it remained undefiled for longer than last time.
Fellows, Dr Haleford, studentsByron And The Greek.
Mate, do not move.
We can't move.
Oh, yeah.
I know it's a long time since I've seen it, but the musculature seems less defined than I remember.
Really? I think they're lovely.
Lovely buttocks.
Lovely.
Lovely buttocks.
Is he talking about your arse or mine? Yours, Gaylord.
What do you think? Flyer for the student Rep campaign.
You've got my vote.
Doesn't look like I'll need it.
No-one else is nominating against me.
Cowards.
Dorian came to speak to me earlier.
He offered to make me a member of the Dandelion Club.
I told him to shove it.
Rejected the olive branch, eh? Shame, you'd look good in a tailcoat.
Yeah.
Well, you've got to do the right thing, haven't you? You're taking all of this tribunal stuff very lightly.
What's that supposed to mean? Just that in general people don't mess with the Dandelion Club.
Look, I'm not afraid of those inbreeds.
Would that be the inbreeds whose President I'm related to? Oh, well, you know I didn't mean Hmm.
Hi.
Whoops! Come in! Hi.
Do you remember me? Yes, of course.
Charlotte.
Look, I heard about what happened this morning.
I thought maybe you'd like to talk about it.
You know this song? Daisy, Daisy Give me your answer, do I I'm half crazy All for the love of you It won't be a stylish marriage I can't afford a carriage But you'll look sweet upon the seat Of a bicycle made for two I will stand by you in wheel or woe Daisy, Daisy Ross! You'll be the bell that I'll ring, you know My sweet little Daisy Bell Ross! You don't know what they're doing to me! Get out.
Babe, what's happening to you? Well, now, that is terrible.
I see what you mean sir.
Yeah.
So what happens next? Me, I'm going back to the lodge to finish my sandwich.
Coronation Chicken.
Very tasty.
But what about all this? If I were you, I'd clear up this mess, sir.
No.
I mean, The Dandelion Club - they've trashed my room.
Sounds unlikely, sir.
What I'd advise is tidy up now and not let it get like this again.
A little bit every day will do wonders.
I did tell you.
What? Ross Bonham's popular in the Dandelion Club.
So this is OK with you? I'm just saying Trinity's been here a long time.
It has conventions and customs you don't understand.
It might have been best to wait until you did before messing with them.
You know, your cousin was right about you.
I very much doubt that.
You're on their side.
I'm on their side? How old are you? Six? Oh, fuck off.
You can make that up to me later.
Ah, Gabriel.
Come in.
Come in.
Take that seat! You voted against me at this morning's council meeting.
Well, the Dandelions have plenty of money.
They could easily afford the restoration.
Should I be worried about you, Gabriel? Worried? Why would you worry about me? I sense Angela's return has disturbed you.
Remembrance of things past.
Well, we were so close.
She and me and Richard Hm.
Edmund, this tribunal - I am going to be impartial, you know.
Hmph.
I took Angela's latest book out of the library this morning.
Have you read it? Science - not really my thing.
No.
There's a rather touching dedication.
It's still Richard, isn't it? You know, Gabriel, I don't actually need you to win this tribunal.
But, I promise you, if you vote against me there, I will not only embarrass Angela, but I will humiliate her.
No-one in college will take her seriously again.
You don't want that, do you? You're bluffing.
Well, off you go, Gabriel.
You've a first-class mind.
One of our stars.
It saddens me to see you still running around after Angie Donne.
She's not interested in you.
She never was.
Very handsome.
I'll finish your shoes.
They'll ask if you want to say anything.
And when they do you'll stay quiet.
Leave everything to Maltravers and Dorian.
I'll talk if I want to.
No! No, you'll say nothing.
Look, we can't afford another one of your funny turns.
One more word and they'll expel you.
So what? So What will I do then? What will I do without you? See you tomorrow.
Jealous? You know if you want another go, all you have to do is knock.
Let me pass please.
Hey! Are you not going to stop for a chat? If you want to talk to me, maybe you should start with an apology.
An apology? You took advantage of me! I'm not going to apologise for giving you your first orgasm.
And on your first time too.
Played one, won one.
How many girls manage that? Raj, I thought uni was going to be way better than this.
I think my cock's touching your leg.
Can you feel it? No.
Then it's not happening.
Angus? Yeah? Close your eyes.
Someone's coming.
Angus, my cock is definitely touching your leg.
'Who's "they", do you think?' Ross kept saying, 'You don't know what they're doing to me.
' Do you think he meant the Dandelions? I'm completely lost.
No, cos maybe the Dandelions forced Ross to beat David up.
Maybe it had all been planned, like some sort of a bet or a dare or initiation.
Oh, gangs do that.
Kelly and her gang made me eat a biscuit that she'd stuck up her Lulu! Look, Charlotte, nobody forced Ross to do anything.
I was there.
That's why I'm a witness.
But it would make total sense.
He was so nice to me in the chapel this morning.
It's weird that he change so suddenly? Yeah, well, while you ponder that, I'm going to get him kicked out of college.
What happened then, David? He came towards me, he grabbed me and threw me against the wall.
He was really strong, and I was so winded I couldn't get up.
After that I don't remember distinctly.
He punched me several times and I think he kicked me once.
That really hurt, and I remember voices telling Ross to stop.
And when I came round you were there and Pete was there Everything all right, Dr Maltravers.
Yes, fine.
Please continue.
Thank you, David.
Will Theo McKenzie please step forward? You say the attack was unprovoked? David called him a loser.
Well, we have seven witnesses to say that David threw more than one punch before Ross retaliated.
The only people to claim otherwise are David himself and now you.
How do you explain that? Are you saying the other students lied? Yes.
Why not? Yeah.
They're liars.
All of them.
Why would they lie? Do you really need me to explain? Please do.
Well, forgive me, if this sounds familiar, but there's a club at this college, full of posh people.
And if anyone from this club gets into trouble, they all gather round and help him.
Do you need me to go slower for you? Where are you from, Mr Mackenzie? Lewisham.
You see you're not what we might call a typical Trinity student.
What do you mean by 'typical'? In terms of upbringing.
It would be understandable if you harboured some resentment towards those from a more privileged background.
OK, I'm done.
Theo, don't be foolish.
You can't just step down.
And you can't ask me questions that have nothing to do with anything.
Now, I know what I saw.
I told you what I saw.
So unless you've got a reason to call me a liar, I suggest you let me go now.
Well done, Theo.
Ross, if the tribunal upholds the charge against you, you must understand that you will be expelled from college.
With that in mind, do you have anything to say in your defence? Or by way of an apology? Very well.
Dr Lloyd, do you uphold the charge against Ross Bonham? I do.
Come on! I do too.
This can't be.
Dr Maltravers? My decision is irrelevant, I believe.
Quite.
Ross, the charge has been proved against you.
I expect you out of the college by sunset.
This is an outrage! Come on! It's not true! It's not true.
I provoked Ross.
David, what are you doing? I whispered things.
I was looking for the fight.
What are you on about? You do realise what you're saying? The warden told me to say Ross attacked me.
She wanted to hurt the Dandelion Club.
She said it was my duty, that if I lied, it would be for the best.
I said nothing of the sort! So you're dropping the charge? This is deeply regrettable.
In your defence, you have owned up and it seems there's been an element of coercion.
BOYS: Hear hear! This is outrageous! Which is more than I can say for the witness.
Mr Mackenzie, you have lied to the tribunal.
I didn't.
You lied and I am imposing a fine.
I didn't.
You lied and I am imposing a fine.
This is rigged! A fine I shall increase for that remark.
Shall we say, £500? Come on, get it out! Bluffing, was I? Mate, I think I can feel my legs.
Yeah.
That tea's wearing off.
I'm going to try and get up.
Ah! ooh! I am never doing thatagain! The hour glass is hidden in the hand.
I looked, but I couldn't find anything.
I thought maybe I got the wrong figure or You probably got the wrong hand.
Who the hell are you? (APPALLING FRENCH ACCENT) Je su-is etudie de francais.
J'ai habite a Paris.
Baguettes.
He's French.
Raj! I mean, we're French.
Raj! I mean, we're French.
Konichiwa.
Go on! Don't let them get away! David! David! Dave Hi there.
Could you come back later? I need to talk to you.
Don't worry ladies.
Theo was just going.
Yeah.
Spoke to that president chappie.
Turns out one of my ancestors was a lord.
You Judas! Come on, mate.
I'm Dandelion now.
Is it really worth it? Sorry about that, ladies.
Where were we? What did you do to him? You made David change his plea! You know, I bet I can make you kiss me.
What? You see this laptop? You know they have cameras in them nowadays? Ingenious things.
They're used primarily to film soap stars and pre-teens wanking, but when angled correctly, they can produce much more stimulating results.
No, you didn't! Kiss me and I'll delete the file.
No.
How do I send an attachment to everyone in college? You know, I'm not actually - OK, yes, yes.
But you have to promise to delete that file.
I give you my word.
That's a two out of ten.
I think we can push above an eight.
Good.
Good.
I want to see you delete the file.
I would, but it doesn't exist.
I made it up.
Don't look so unhappy.
You wouldn't have done it if you hadn't wanted to.
I hate you! Just because your family's got money, you think you can run this place and you can have whatever and whoever you want.
Well, I've got news for you, Dorian Gaudain, you can't have ME .
.
again.
You can't have me again.
Bye bye! Where is it? Where's what? Don't you piss about with me! The statue! Byron and the Greek? Isn't it on its pedestal by now? No, it isn't and you bloody know it! This is a good bluff.
This is funny.
Come on, Dr M, let's not Argh! Any time you like, Dorian.
Oh, god! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
It's all right.
We've both been a bit under fire today.
Oh, Gabe, what am I doing here? I was happy at Liverpool.
I was respected and I've left everything behind for this fucking place! Well, I think it's good you came back.
Why? I can't change anything! I have just been humiliated in front of the whole college.
I cannot touch the Dandelion Club, it is pointless! I might have the thing to cheer you up.
Great (!) In 1528, Cardinal Wolsey created a post on the Trinity Council, the tribune of the commons.
Now, uniquely on this council, the tribune had the power to call a vote of everyone in college.
God, you really know how to make a girl feel better, don't you? So the tribune could call a vote about anything, really - have the buildings pulled down, change Trinity's name I'm sorry, it's not you, it's just Even abolish the Dandelion Club.
What? No-one's called a vote since the Civil war.
I don't think anyone else knows the vote exists.
Would it still work? This is Trinity.
Things don't change.
And this tribune post, would we need to revive it? Oh, the post still exists.
We just don't call it by that name any more.
It's the student rep! This bloody better be the real statue! Thank you.
Is the hour glass there? Ow! No! What's that? Just found it in my room.
Really spiritual, innit? I'm not safe.
I'm not safe.
Ross? I'm sorry.
Ross! Weird! Mate.
So you washed the gold off? Yeah.
Did you wash it all off? Maybe not all of it.
Have you still got a gold knob? Yeah! Have YOU? Yeah! My knob is gold! I'm imagining David with histoplasmosis.
What's that? It's a fungal disease of the blood.
The spores are inhaled and infect Hello? Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
No.
Hello, Charlotte.
Hi.
I'm sorry about what today.
If I'd known, I would never have dragged you into it.
Yeah, well, not your fault.
I am going to beat it, though, Theo.
I'm going to get rid of the Dandelion Club forever.
ButI'm going to need your help.
You're serious? It's going to be difficult, but what I think I need is a student rep I can trust.
So? So, the election is in two weeks, and I thought the ideal candidate might be you! Me? I can understand if you're apprehensive.
The Dandelions are powerful in college I'm not scared.
It's justthis girl I'm seeing.
She's running for student rep and I'll do it.
I hate the Dandelion Club.
I want to do it.
Right.
Good.
Great, Charlotte.
Come and see me in the morning and we'll ermmake plans.
Oh, well, this ain't gonna be awkward at all.
'Camelot.
Are you secure?' We are secure, Avalon.
'And are you quite well?' Quite well, thank you.
'Was the hour glass received safely?' It was not.
We believe it's on college premises, but we have yet to locate it.
'With regret, we recommend that you terminate.
' You can't! 'We understand your reaction.
We cannot afford a loose cannon.
You must find the hour glass and begin a new examination.
' Perhaps wewe could delay for two days while we search.
'That is not our recommendation.
This meeting is complete.
Guard the project, protect the Dandelion Club.
' So OK, you can come in.
That's not what I'm here for.
The Dandelion Club common room? No-one's allowed in.
They're very strict about that.
Imagine, a woman and a black man inside their inner sanctum! Their great seal.
Dandelions regard it as sacred.
I'm sorry, what are we doing here? After what happened today, I thought you might appreciate a little bit of payback.
Tell you something, this would really annoy them.
We've got a jumper! I felt very close to Ross.
He was a good boy, such a good boy.
Allow me to explain.
I am holding my shotgun to your horse's head.
Youlike me.
Whatever 'Look under the blades.
' You control Trinity's public relations? You're just a public relations stunt yourself! I don't think I've ever seen you so angry.
It's fascinating.