TripTank (2014) s02e05 Episode Script
Short Change
1 There was an octopus named Oliver who learned how to walk How to wear a hat and how to talk Well, hey there.
He had the secrets of the universe in his mind So he went to share his secrets with all of humankind Ha! Got one.
2x05 - "Short Change" Oh! Oh, my God! Somebody help! Oh, no! Can't someone do something? Oh, I can't look.
Ha, you like that? Whoo! - Hello.
TripTank.
- Yeah, hi.
I've been watching your show, and I got to tell you, my brother, I can't get the women to leave me alone.
Day and night, man: nonstop erotic activity.
Oh, really? Wow.
- That's great.
- Right.
And that's what I'd like to be saying if your show was better.
However, it is not, and son of a bitch, I'm alone.
- I'll transfer you to that department.
- I'm hungry as hell, man.
I'm fixing to get at that kung pao chicken.
Ah, shit.
They gave me the wrong [bleep.]
change again.
- What? - Oh, it happens sometimes.
I'll just call the guy.
They're usually pretty good about it.
Hell, no! Don't do that to us, man! No! - No, Roy, it's fine.
- Bullshit! You do not shortchange a person on their lunch order, goddamn it! Not in Roy's America, not in your America! Damn you, Golden Dragon 2.
You can swing for my nuts! No shortchanging Roy and his goddamn posse.
- Oh, hell, no.
- Jeez.
Yeah, so I think if I just tape it up really good beforehand, they'll let me back in the salsa class.
Ah, I wish we could just go one night without talking about - Matt's unwanted erections.
- Or salsa dancing.
Well, excuse me for having hobbies - that get my blood pumping.
- Oh, that's so gross.
- Dana, tell us the story again.
- No, no, no.
Nobody want fine.
'Twas a time, long ago, when a wise king sat upon a mighty throne.
His name was King Dana of Garysucksington.
Andy the Knight, you have returned from slaying many dragons in my name.
They were small and sickly dragons, but still, a fine job.
Huzzah! Thank you, most handsome and virile king.
Have I mentioned how magnificent - and not at all flabby your body is? - Yes, and thank you.
Now bring out the fool jester for my amusement.
He-hey, everybody.
Have you heard the one about the beautiful wench - who didn't love the king? - I have not.
No one has, because you threw her in the pit.
I sure did.
Now, I can see by the royal watch, it is time for the king Actually, Dana, wristwatches haven't been invented yet.
- Nobody's asking you.
- Yeah, shut up, dude.
He's just getting to the good part! Now, where was I? I can see by the position of the sun that is time for the king to greet my peasants.
Bring in the first ugly sack of crap.
Your Majesty, I present to you, Gary the Poor.
I know not this man.
- He also goes by Gary the Disgusting.
- Not ringing a bell.
- Gary the Wretched.
- Nah.
- Gary the Misshapen.
- Nope.
- Gary the Unclean.
- Uh-uh.
- Gary the Porky.
- Uh-uh.
- Gary the Uneducated.
- Nope.
- Gary the Liar.
- Nothing.
- Onion-breath Gary.
- Uh-uh.
I also go by Gary with a Face as Vile as a Foot.
Ah, yes.
Foot-face Gary! - What can the mighty king do for you? - Oh, handsome king.
I come before you to humbly beg for one meager shilling, for I am much too lazy to work - and also too ugly to work.
- Hmm, let me think.
No.
You may not have one shilling.
How dare you insult me! - Instead, chuck him in the pit! - Oh, King Dana, no! Sucketh it! Sucketh it! Come on, join me, everyone.
Sucketh it! Sucketh it! Sucketh it! Sucketh it! Sucketh it, Gary! Whoo! Sucketh it, Gary - Dude, where are these chicks at? - They're coming, dude.
Any second now, we'll be drowning in poon tang.
Dude, they better not be ugly, man.
I'm not jumping on any grenades.
No way, dude.
These chicks are fine as shit like, personal trainers and shit.
- My older brother set it up.
- Wait.
These are Brad's chicks? They're here, dude.
Whoa! They're huge, dude! What's up, bitches? You pussy boys got any protein? - Proteins, yeah.
- Feed me.
Whoa, babes.
Don't thrash.
Food's in the kitchen.
Chicken! Tuna! Turkey! Red meat! I smell dicks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy, mama.
- Take it easy.
- Ronnie! Somebody help! Jimmy! Switch, bitch! - No, no, no - Oh! Easy there, mama! I'm getting carpet burn on my face! Down, mama! Dude we just, like, tore that shit up! Whoa! Would you like to buy some candy, mister? You already asked me that, and I said "no.
" If you ask me again, I will call the cops.
My uncle went to high school with the chief of police.
How far do you want to take this? Ooh, you got Choco-bees? You didn't say you had Choco-bees.
Man, give me a Choco-bees! Ooh, you got Choco-bees? Choc-choc, man, give me a Choco-bees Ooh-ooh, you didn't say you had Choco-bees Mmm, that's good Ooh, sweat, sweat, sweat, sweat Choc-choc, give me, give me Choc-choc, give me, give me - # Sweat, sweat, sweat # - Sir.
Sir, are you okay? Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir? Sweat, sweat, sweat, sweat - Are you okay? - # Sweat # We're losing him.
Quick, hand me the paddles.
Man, give me a Choco-bees You see that guy ask me for money? Sorry, bro.
I don't reward failure.
Huh? Oh, my God.
We're dead.
- Why are we ghosts? - Oh, shit.
I guess we have some kind of unresolved conflict.
- Should we go to our parents' house? - See our wives one last time? Experience the beautiful glow of one last fall sunset? Oh, I dropped the soap again.
- Wash your privates.
- Wash your privates.
- Yeah.
- Look at those jiggles.
What's up, dudes? - What's up, man? - Hey.
Oh! Oops! Someone there? Here we go.
Oh, yeah.
Mommy.
What is all this stuff? Oh, just setting the mood.
How clumsy of me.
I hope you don't mind that I'm totally nude.
Eh.
Who can tell? Oh, trust me.
You'll be able to tell.
First step in this recipe: truss and bone your chicken.
You appear to have been deboned already.
Oh, that's the stuff.
Oh, yeah.
You really know what you're doing.
You know, I have a feeling that this is gonna end happily for me.
Oh, mama, you are amazing.
You know, I was watching a movie last night.
It had a happy ending.
Don't you just love a happy ending? Careful now.
You break a bone, and it's gonna affect your tip.
And speaking of the tip So what's it gonna cost me for our story to have a happy ending? Ugh, this is not that kind of place, sir.
They're all that kind of place! Thai, Swedish, deep tissue! You're all selling the same thing, and that thing is the sweet, blessed release of that happiest of endings.
And right now, I got some deep tissue that's in desperate need of some rubbing and tugging.
- You know what I mean, sister? - Yes.
- It is not that hard to figure out.
- Wait.
# You missed a spot.
# There you go.
You better get under your goddamn desk.
- I'm about to go ape shit.
- Will you just calm down, Roy? - I'm on hold with them right now.
- I'm gonna have to start breaking shit.
Hello.
This is TripTank.
You guys just delivered an order here.
I was going through the change, and I hate to be a bee in your bonnet, but there is a slight discrepancy.
No, no, no, no.
It's clearly on the receipt that I was owed well, I suppose there is a chance I am the one mistaken.
- Oh, well, yeah.
That sounds fair.
- Give me that phone.
Listen up, Professor Dipshit.
You owe my boy money, and if you don't pay up, I'm gonna kick you in the balls so hard, - you'll be singing like Geddy Lee.
- Roy, no.
It's fine.
I'm gonna drum on your skull like Neil Peart.
Roy, they're gonna give us free spring rolls.
I'm gonna kick you in the head so hard, you're gonna forget your own name just like everyone forgot the name of that third guy from Rush.
- What are you doing? Stop.
- What did you say? No, you are.
- What the hell, Roy? - Don't worry, man.
- Everything's cool.
- Really? Yep.
He's coming down here to kick your ass.
- Said he'll be here in, like, ten minutes.
- What? But you know them delivery guys.
Probably be, like, 30, 35.
- Hello.
Can I help you? - Yeah, I've brought in a piece that's been in my family for years.
I kind of just want to see how much it's worth.
Ooh, that is nice.
What can you tell me about the history of this item? Well, it was my great-grandmother's.
She brought it over from Austria when she immigrated, and she used it well into her 80s.
And it's been passed down and used by every woman - in our family ever since.
- Wonderful.
Does it still turn Oh, oh! Yes, it does.
Marvelous.
Would you like to know more about the piece? Sure.
What can you tell me? Well, you'll notice the tapered edges and ridges - that run along the shaft of the piece.
- Uh-huh.
Well, that indicates it was produced around the turn of the last century.
And since it's from Austria, the first place I'm going to look is ah, yes.
There it is.
It's kind of difficult to see, but if you look at the right at the tip, you can just make out the initials J.
K.
Oh, wow.
I've never noticed that before.
Those are the initials of Johann Kraus, a craftsman from Vienna who's well-known for higher quality pieces - like your grandmother's.
- Uh.
What's it worth? It really is a fantastic piece.
I'll give you $20 for it.
Oh.
That is not a lot of money.
Yeah, there's really not much of a market for used dildos.
Oh, relax, you tit baby.
- It's only the telephone, man.
- I know.
I'm just kind of freaking out.
You know, I've never been punched in the face before.
Never been punched in the face? What pussy utopia you grow up in? - Connecticut.
- Ah, come on.
Old Roy's been in a ton of fights.
I even won a couple of 'em.
You got nothing to worry about.
I got your back.
Hello.
TripTank.
Please save me.
Yes.
Hello.
I am a wizard.
Well, I am not a wizard in the traditional sense.
I have no magic.
I cast no spells.
But I am still a wizard all the same.
I'm calling because I've seen your show, and I [bleep.]
.
I just [bleep.]
.
Now, this is the awkward part of the conversation where I've said my piece, and you've responded, and there's nothing left to say.
Wizard out.
Buckle on up, Junior, 'cause Roy's fixing to get nasty.
That's it.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, you filthy woman, you.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
- What the hell? - Hi.
I'm Derek.
Velma and I hot swapped midstream.
You You want to go again? Eh, all right.
Don't put your finger so far up my ass this time.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, look at that asshole Rat Gary sitting over there eating a turd.
Yeah, who does he think he is? The Pope? Oh, eating a turd.
Guys, oh.
We got to get rat revenge.
Oh, I got the perfect thing.
Ooh.
Ooh, hey, Rat Gary.
What you doing? - Eating a turd? Oh.
- Yep.
Just eating a turd.
We are rats that live in sewer, after all.
Looks delicious.
Oh, you know, me and the guys are pretty hungry.
Oh.
Yeah.
Why don't you share some of that turd with us? Ooh.
Of course.
You know I'd do anything for you guys.
Hey, so how's your son Rat Donnie doing? - Oh.
- Oh, pretty good.
He lives in Junkyard now.
Got his eyes burnt out with lye.
Is he still as hideous as you are? Oh.
Yep, still a rat-faced monster, just like his old man.
Hey, that's great.
Tell him we said, "Oh.
" Well, I'm all done.
Thanks for sharing your turd with us, Rat Gary.
Oh.
Anytime, guys.
Now, if you'll excuse me, this delicious turd isn't gonna eat itself.
Oh, just your classic "Rat Gary eats a poison turd and dies revenge" prank! Oh! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it, Rat Gary! - They pranked him real good this time.
- Yeah.
Poisoned him till he died.
- I'm gonna go feast on his rat body.
- Dibs on the anus.
Suck it, Rat Gary Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he's here.
Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? All right, buddy.
It's you and me.
Roy and Steve against the world, like BFBs, best friend brothers.
- I got your back, man.
- Wait, wait.
I got an idea.
How about we just don't open up the door? Too late.
He's in! Here we go.
All right, which one of you sacks of shit is Steve? You stand back, or me and Roy are gonna kick your ass.
He's a trained fighter.
Roy, tell him about those fights you won.
Roy? Roy? Best friend brother? Get ready to taste your own elbow, asshole! No, no, no wat, wait No, no, thank you.
But you must eat the host.
'Tis the body of Christ.
- No, I can't.
- Come on, lady.
- Keep it moving here.
- I don't think you quite understand.
This tiny bread wafer is the body of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
You've got to have a little nibble.
Yeah, see, I have a gluten sensitivity.
- What? - Well, I'm allergic to this.
- Then you're allergic to Jesus.
- No, it's just certain grains.
Witch! She's allergic to Jesus! She's a witch! No, no, I'm not a witch.
I just get all bloated and tired.
You're allergic to Jesus, lady.
I'm no witch expert, but I'm pretty sure a Jesus allergy puts you in that category.
- String her up.
- No, no, no - Take that witch down a peg.
- Witch! Oh, no, if there was some sort of gluten-free Jesus body, I'm sure that I could eat it.
Too late, witch.
Chuck her overboard.
If she sinks, she dies a good, honest death.
If she floats, she's a witch, and we'll burn her real nice once she gets to shore.
- No, no.
- Throw her in the water! - You're not going to escape this time, witch.
- Not again.
I can totally drink the wine or blood of Christ or whatever.
It's just the complex carbs.
- They really slow me down.
- Blah, blah, blah.
Sounds like witch talk to me.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard a witch drone on about complex carbs, I'd be a rich man.
Light her up, boys! No, I could eat soy.
Is there, like, a soy Christ or something? If she burns, she dies a good, honest death.
If she doesn't, well, we'll chop this witch's head clean off.
Burn the witch! Come on, boys, let's burn that witch! Well, frankly, I'm shocked.
It almost never gets to phase three.
Let it fall, boys.
Seriously? All right, [bleep.]
this.
I told you she was a witch! Somebody get me some [bleep.]
rice bread! I want a sandwich.
Hello.
This place.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Right.
I mean, look.
If the show upsets you that much, you could always just change the channel, or, better yet, just turn off the TV all together.
What's your area code? 480? Oh, yeah, the city of Phoenix has a wonderful public library system.
You know, there's an entire world of books out there for your mind to explore.
Well, I appreciate that, sir.
You have a nice day, too.
Look at that asshole, Matt, strutting around like he's cock of the walk.
- Are you Garys ready to prank? - Oh, yeah.
- Revenge time.
- Let's roll.
Right foot, left foot, walking down the street.
Right foot, left foot, walking down the street.
- Yo, Matt.
What's up, homey? - Oh, hey, Gary.
Just walking down the street thinking about kitty cats.
Hey, you look like you could use a vacation.
- Yeah, that does sound nice.
- Have a nice trip! Whoa! Gary, why? Suck it, Matt.
- Hey, Matt, are you okay? - I don't know.
Gary and Gary just pushed me down.
Ah! Suck it, Matt.
Whoo! Suck it, Matt.
Suck it, Matt.
Suck it, Matt.
Suck it, Matt.
Matt! Matt! Matt! - Wake up, dude.
- Matt, we're out of waffles, and Gary's out front mowing his damn lawn.
He's doing what? Gary.
- Hey.
Good morning, guys.
- Everyone in the van right now! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! I wonder what goes on inside that van.
Suck it, Gary! Whoo! Suck it, Garys - Oh, God.
- We got him, buddy! Redemption, brother man.
Whoo! Where were you? You said we were best friend brothers, - and you had my back.
- I did.
- I was right outside, man.
- What? While you were in here distracting him, I ran outside and stole that son of a bitch's windshield wiper.
- You asshole.
- This wiper blade is worth way more - than that $1.
50 the guy owed us.
- Oh, God, I hurt so bad.
Then again, what the hell do I know? I'm balls deep in the Bitcoin game, man.
Oh, don't cry, buddy.
Old Roy's got your back.
- You're the worst person I know.
- [whispers.]
Best friend brothers.
That's it.
Oh oh, yeah.
Oh, you filthy woman, you.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go! I knew you had it in you! Now you've got it in me!
He had the secrets of the universe in his mind So he went to share his secrets with all of humankind Ha! Got one.
2x05 - "Short Change" Oh! Oh, my God! Somebody help! Oh, no! Can't someone do something? Oh, I can't look.
Ha, you like that? Whoo! - Hello.
TripTank.
- Yeah, hi.
I've been watching your show, and I got to tell you, my brother, I can't get the women to leave me alone.
Day and night, man: nonstop erotic activity.
Oh, really? Wow.
- That's great.
- Right.
And that's what I'd like to be saying if your show was better.
However, it is not, and son of a bitch, I'm alone.
- I'll transfer you to that department.
- I'm hungry as hell, man.
I'm fixing to get at that kung pao chicken.
Ah, shit.
They gave me the wrong [bleep.]
change again.
- What? - Oh, it happens sometimes.
I'll just call the guy.
They're usually pretty good about it.
Hell, no! Don't do that to us, man! No! - No, Roy, it's fine.
- Bullshit! You do not shortchange a person on their lunch order, goddamn it! Not in Roy's America, not in your America! Damn you, Golden Dragon 2.
You can swing for my nuts! No shortchanging Roy and his goddamn posse.
- Oh, hell, no.
- Jeez.
Yeah, so I think if I just tape it up really good beforehand, they'll let me back in the salsa class.
Ah, I wish we could just go one night without talking about - Matt's unwanted erections.
- Or salsa dancing.
Well, excuse me for having hobbies - that get my blood pumping.
- Oh, that's so gross.
- Dana, tell us the story again.
- No, no, no.
Nobody want fine.
'Twas a time, long ago, when a wise king sat upon a mighty throne.
His name was King Dana of Garysucksington.
Andy the Knight, you have returned from slaying many dragons in my name.
They were small and sickly dragons, but still, a fine job.
Huzzah! Thank you, most handsome and virile king.
Have I mentioned how magnificent - and not at all flabby your body is? - Yes, and thank you.
Now bring out the fool jester for my amusement.
He-hey, everybody.
Have you heard the one about the beautiful wench - who didn't love the king? - I have not.
No one has, because you threw her in the pit.
I sure did.
Now, I can see by the royal watch, it is time for the king Actually, Dana, wristwatches haven't been invented yet.
- Nobody's asking you.
- Yeah, shut up, dude.
He's just getting to the good part! Now, where was I? I can see by the position of the sun that is time for the king to greet my peasants.
Bring in the first ugly sack of crap.
Your Majesty, I present to you, Gary the Poor.
I know not this man.
- He also goes by Gary the Disgusting.
- Not ringing a bell.
- Gary the Wretched.
- Nah.
- Gary the Misshapen.
- Nope.
- Gary the Unclean.
- Uh-uh.
- Gary the Porky.
- Uh-uh.
- Gary the Uneducated.
- Nope.
- Gary the Liar.
- Nothing.
- Onion-breath Gary.
- Uh-uh.
I also go by Gary with a Face as Vile as a Foot.
Ah, yes.
Foot-face Gary! - What can the mighty king do for you? - Oh, handsome king.
I come before you to humbly beg for one meager shilling, for I am much too lazy to work - and also too ugly to work.
- Hmm, let me think.
No.
You may not have one shilling.
How dare you insult me! - Instead, chuck him in the pit! - Oh, King Dana, no! Sucketh it! Sucketh it! Come on, join me, everyone.
Sucketh it! Sucketh it! Sucketh it! Sucketh it! Sucketh it, Gary! Whoo! Sucketh it, Gary - Dude, where are these chicks at? - They're coming, dude.
Any second now, we'll be drowning in poon tang.
Dude, they better not be ugly, man.
I'm not jumping on any grenades.
No way, dude.
These chicks are fine as shit like, personal trainers and shit.
- My older brother set it up.
- Wait.
These are Brad's chicks? They're here, dude.
Whoa! They're huge, dude! What's up, bitches? You pussy boys got any protein? - Proteins, yeah.
- Feed me.
Whoa, babes.
Don't thrash.
Food's in the kitchen.
Chicken! Tuna! Turkey! Red meat! I smell dicks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Take it easy, mama.
- Take it easy.
- Ronnie! Somebody help! Jimmy! Switch, bitch! - No, no, no - Oh! Easy there, mama! I'm getting carpet burn on my face! Down, mama! Dude we just, like, tore that shit up! Whoa! Would you like to buy some candy, mister? You already asked me that, and I said "no.
" If you ask me again, I will call the cops.
My uncle went to high school with the chief of police.
How far do you want to take this? Ooh, you got Choco-bees? You didn't say you had Choco-bees.
Man, give me a Choco-bees! Ooh, you got Choco-bees? Choc-choc, man, give me a Choco-bees Ooh-ooh, you didn't say you had Choco-bees Mmm, that's good Ooh, sweat, sweat, sweat, sweat Choc-choc, give me, give me Choc-choc, give me, give me - # Sweat, sweat, sweat # - Sir.
Sir, are you okay? Sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir? Sweat, sweat, sweat, sweat - Are you okay? - # Sweat # We're losing him.
Quick, hand me the paddles.
Man, give me a Choco-bees You see that guy ask me for money? Sorry, bro.
I don't reward failure.
Huh? Oh, my God.
We're dead.
- Why are we ghosts? - Oh, shit.
I guess we have some kind of unresolved conflict.
- Should we go to our parents' house? - See our wives one last time? Experience the beautiful glow of one last fall sunset? Oh, I dropped the soap again.
- Wash your privates.
- Wash your privates.
- Yeah.
- Look at those jiggles.
What's up, dudes? - What's up, man? - Hey.
Oh! Oops! Someone there? Here we go.
Oh, yeah.
Mommy.
What is all this stuff? Oh, just setting the mood.
How clumsy of me.
I hope you don't mind that I'm totally nude.
Eh.
Who can tell? Oh, trust me.
You'll be able to tell.
First step in this recipe: truss and bone your chicken.
You appear to have been deboned already.
Oh, that's the stuff.
Oh, yeah.
You really know what you're doing.
You know, I have a feeling that this is gonna end happily for me.
Oh, mama, you are amazing.
You know, I was watching a movie last night.
It had a happy ending.
Don't you just love a happy ending? Careful now.
You break a bone, and it's gonna affect your tip.
And speaking of the tip So what's it gonna cost me for our story to have a happy ending? Ugh, this is not that kind of place, sir.
They're all that kind of place! Thai, Swedish, deep tissue! You're all selling the same thing, and that thing is the sweet, blessed release of that happiest of endings.
And right now, I got some deep tissue that's in desperate need of some rubbing and tugging.
- You know what I mean, sister? - Yes.
- It is not that hard to figure out.
- Wait.
# You missed a spot.
# There you go.
You better get under your goddamn desk.
- I'm about to go ape shit.
- Will you just calm down, Roy? - I'm on hold with them right now.
- I'm gonna have to start breaking shit.
Hello.
This is TripTank.
You guys just delivered an order here.
I was going through the change, and I hate to be a bee in your bonnet, but there is a slight discrepancy.
No, no, no, no.
It's clearly on the receipt that I was owed well, I suppose there is a chance I am the one mistaken.
- Oh, well, yeah.
That sounds fair.
- Give me that phone.
Listen up, Professor Dipshit.
You owe my boy money, and if you don't pay up, I'm gonna kick you in the balls so hard, - you'll be singing like Geddy Lee.
- Roy, no.
It's fine.
I'm gonna drum on your skull like Neil Peart.
Roy, they're gonna give us free spring rolls.
I'm gonna kick you in the head so hard, you're gonna forget your own name just like everyone forgot the name of that third guy from Rush.
- What are you doing? Stop.
- What did you say? No, you are.
- What the hell, Roy? - Don't worry, man.
- Everything's cool.
- Really? Yep.
He's coming down here to kick your ass.
- Said he'll be here in, like, ten minutes.
- What? But you know them delivery guys.
Probably be, like, 30, 35.
- Hello.
Can I help you? - Yeah, I've brought in a piece that's been in my family for years.
I kind of just want to see how much it's worth.
Ooh, that is nice.
What can you tell me about the history of this item? Well, it was my great-grandmother's.
She brought it over from Austria when she immigrated, and she used it well into her 80s.
And it's been passed down and used by every woman - in our family ever since.
- Wonderful.
Does it still turn Oh, oh! Yes, it does.
Marvelous.
Would you like to know more about the piece? Sure.
What can you tell me? Well, you'll notice the tapered edges and ridges - that run along the shaft of the piece.
- Uh-huh.
Well, that indicates it was produced around the turn of the last century.
And since it's from Austria, the first place I'm going to look is ah, yes.
There it is.
It's kind of difficult to see, but if you look at the right at the tip, you can just make out the initials J.
K.
Oh, wow.
I've never noticed that before.
Those are the initials of Johann Kraus, a craftsman from Vienna who's well-known for higher quality pieces - like your grandmother's.
- Uh.
What's it worth? It really is a fantastic piece.
I'll give you $20 for it.
Oh.
That is not a lot of money.
Yeah, there's really not much of a market for used dildos.
Oh, relax, you tit baby.
- It's only the telephone, man.
- I know.
I'm just kind of freaking out.
You know, I've never been punched in the face before.
Never been punched in the face? What pussy utopia you grow up in? - Connecticut.
- Ah, come on.
Old Roy's been in a ton of fights.
I even won a couple of 'em.
You got nothing to worry about.
I got your back.
Hello.
TripTank.
Please save me.
Yes.
Hello.
I am a wizard.
Well, I am not a wizard in the traditional sense.
I have no magic.
I cast no spells.
But I am still a wizard all the same.
I'm calling because I've seen your show, and I [bleep.]
.
I just [bleep.]
.
Now, this is the awkward part of the conversation where I've said my piece, and you've responded, and there's nothing left to say.
Wizard out.
Buckle on up, Junior, 'cause Roy's fixing to get nasty.
That's it.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, you filthy woman, you.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go.
- What the hell? - Hi.
I'm Derek.
Velma and I hot swapped midstream.
You You want to go again? Eh, all right.
Don't put your finger so far up my ass this time.
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, look at that asshole Rat Gary sitting over there eating a turd.
Yeah, who does he think he is? The Pope? Oh, eating a turd.
Guys, oh.
We got to get rat revenge.
Oh, I got the perfect thing.
Ooh.
Ooh, hey, Rat Gary.
What you doing? - Eating a turd? Oh.
- Yep.
Just eating a turd.
We are rats that live in sewer, after all.
Looks delicious.
Oh, you know, me and the guys are pretty hungry.
Oh.
Yeah.
Why don't you share some of that turd with us? Ooh.
Of course.
You know I'd do anything for you guys.
Hey, so how's your son Rat Donnie doing? - Oh.
- Oh, pretty good.
He lives in Junkyard now.
Got his eyes burnt out with lye.
Is he still as hideous as you are? Oh.
Yep, still a rat-faced monster, just like his old man.
Hey, that's great.
Tell him we said, "Oh.
" Well, I'm all done.
Thanks for sharing your turd with us, Rat Gary.
Oh.
Anytime, guys.
Now, if you'll excuse me, this delicious turd isn't gonna eat itself.
Oh, just your classic "Rat Gary eats a poison turd and dies revenge" prank! Oh! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it, Rat Gary! - They pranked him real good this time.
- Yeah.
Poisoned him till he died.
- I'm gonna go feast on his rat body.
- Dibs on the anus.
Suck it, Rat Gary Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, he's here.
Oh, my God, what are we gonna do? All right, buddy.
It's you and me.
Roy and Steve against the world, like BFBs, best friend brothers.
- I got your back, man.
- Wait, wait.
I got an idea.
How about we just don't open up the door? Too late.
He's in! Here we go.
All right, which one of you sacks of shit is Steve? You stand back, or me and Roy are gonna kick your ass.
He's a trained fighter.
Roy, tell him about those fights you won.
Roy? Roy? Best friend brother? Get ready to taste your own elbow, asshole! No, no, no wat, wait No, no, thank you.
But you must eat the host.
'Tis the body of Christ.
- No, I can't.
- Come on, lady.
- Keep it moving here.
- I don't think you quite understand.
This tiny bread wafer is the body of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
You've got to have a little nibble.
Yeah, see, I have a gluten sensitivity.
- What? - Well, I'm allergic to this.
- Then you're allergic to Jesus.
- No, it's just certain grains.
Witch! She's allergic to Jesus! She's a witch! No, no, I'm not a witch.
I just get all bloated and tired.
You're allergic to Jesus, lady.
I'm no witch expert, but I'm pretty sure a Jesus allergy puts you in that category.
- String her up.
- No, no, no - Take that witch down a peg.
- Witch! Oh, no, if there was some sort of gluten-free Jesus body, I'm sure that I could eat it.
Too late, witch.
Chuck her overboard.
If she sinks, she dies a good, honest death.
If she floats, she's a witch, and we'll burn her real nice once she gets to shore.
- No, no.
- Throw her in the water! - You're not going to escape this time, witch.
- Not again.
I can totally drink the wine or blood of Christ or whatever.
It's just the complex carbs.
- They really slow me down.
- Blah, blah, blah.
Sounds like witch talk to me.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard a witch drone on about complex carbs, I'd be a rich man.
Light her up, boys! No, I could eat soy.
Is there, like, a soy Christ or something? If she burns, she dies a good, honest death.
If she doesn't, well, we'll chop this witch's head clean off.
Burn the witch! Come on, boys, let's burn that witch! Well, frankly, I'm shocked.
It almost never gets to phase three.
Let it fall, boys.
Seriously? All right, [bleep.]
this.
I told you she was a witch! Somebody get me some [bleep.]
rice bread! I want a sandwich.
Hello.
This place.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Right.
I mean, look.
If the show upsets you that much, you could always just change the channel, or, better yet, just turn off the TV all together.
What's your area code? 480? Oh, yeah, the city of Phoenix has a wonderful public library system.
You know, there's an entire world of books out there for your mind to explore.
Well, I appreciate that, sir.
You have a nice day, too.
Look at that asshole, Matt, strutting around like he's cock of the walk.
- Are you Garys ready to prank? - Oh, yeah.
- Revenge time.
- Let's roll.
Right foot, left foot, walking down the street.
Right foot, left foot, walking down the street.
- Yo, Matt.
What's up, homey? - Oh, hey, Gary.
Just walking down the street thinking about kitty cats.
Hey, you look like you could use a vacation.
- Yeah, that does sound nice.
- Have a nice trip! Whoa! Gary, why? Suck it, Matt.
- Hey, Matt, are you okay? - I don't know.
Gary and Gary just pushed me down.
Ah! Suck it, Matt.
Whoo! Suck it, Matt.
Suck it, Matt.
Suck it, Matt.
Suck it, Matt.
Matt! Matt! Matt! - Wake up, dude.
- Matt, we're out of waffles, and Gary's out front mowing his damn lawn.
He's doing what? Gary.
- Hey.
Good morning, guys.
- Everyone in the van right now! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! I wonder what goes on inside that van.
Suck it, Gary! Whoo! Suck it, Garys - Oh, God.
- We got him, buddy! Redemption, brother man.
Whoo! Where were you? You said we were best friend brothers, - and you had my back.
- I did.
- I was right outside, man.
- What? While you were in here distracting him, I ran outside and stole that son of a bitch's windshield wiper.
- You asshole.
- This wiper blade is worth way more - than that $1.
50 the guy owed us.
- Oh, God, I hurt so bad.
Then again, what the hell do I know? I'm balls deep in the Bitcoin game, man.
Oh, don't cry, buddy.
Old Roy's got your back.
- You're the worst person I know.
- [whispers.]
Best friend brothers.
That's it.
Oh oh, yeah.
Oh, you filthy woman, you.
Oh, yeah.
Here we go! I knew you had it in you! Now you've got it in me!