Truckers (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
It's negative, Mrs Morris.
Thank God.
Thank you, Dr Gordon.
Oh, that is such a relief.
You can go home and get on with your life.
You are so kind to me.
Just doing my job.
Oh, no, no, you're not.
You always go the extra mile with me.
I know you do.
I got you these.
They're brownies.
Your favourites.
No, really, I couldn't You can let me have the box back when I see you next time.
I've got one booked in a fortnight.
Mum.
Thank you, again.
I Oh.
What was that all about? Virtually ran me out of the building.
No, I didn't.
I said I've got a big do tonight.
I'm already late.
Fine.
All about priorities, I suppose.
I was there, wasn't I? I think most daughters would've been there under them circumstances, don't you? Red River Fever? Do you know how many cases there have been of that in Nottingham in the last year? If you didn't want to come, you should have just said so! I'd have found an alternative.
Mum, you don't need to get anyone else.
You know that.
I'll come with you whenever, but I've got my own life too, you know.
Have you? Have you, Wendy? That's good to hear.
What's that supposed to mean? What? You know what.
"That's good to hear.
" Like there's something wrong with me.
I don't think anyone said wrong with you.
At the same time, you have rather put the A into alternative, haven't you? As long as I'm happy doing what I'm doing, that should be enough for you.
It would be, if I thought you really were happy.
What? You're 35 on Wednesday.
So? 35 is middle age.
No, it's not! It's the start of middle age, which is bound to make me think - how long can she keep pretending? I mean, the truck driving, the clothes, the hair, the whole thing you've got going.
What thing? Do not shout at me, please! You'll bring a migraine on.
I'm not shouting.
I'm just You are shouting.
It's what you do.
It's what you've always done.
You're a very aggressive girl.
You can't help it.
Look, I'm your mother.
I can see it, you're like someone who's gone out on a limb a long time ago and they're too stuck to get back.
But in their hearts, they want to.
They want to wear a dress and have a proper roots touch-up and be with someone.
Oh, no I'm thinking of you.
You're thinking of yourself, cos you hate being on your own.
And you think I must n'all.
Only I don't.
I like it.
Same as I like my job and my clothes and, well, I like my life.
I'm really late.
You are in such trouble.
Why aren't you playing? I'm still banned.
That biting business at the Crown.
Right.
Final one for the individuals.
English Monarchs.
It's, er, Roy for the Red Lion and, erm, Glen for the Dervish.
Glen? Couldn't start one down.
They waited for you as long as they could.
My best subject at school, History.
Shh! So, Roy Of whom, whom was it said in 1264, "His mind seemed not to stand "on a firm basis, for every sudden accident put him into passion"? Henry III.
Correct.
I think it was after De Montfort defeated him at the battle of Lewes.
Yeah, all right! It's not a bloody thesis.
Glen, right.
Who succeeded Henry VIII as King of England? Just how they fall, folks.
Henry IX! 20, 30, there you go.
Cheers, mate.
Cheers.
Mind how you go, lads.
See you next season.
Well played.
Cocky bastards.
I swear Wendy, it's fine.
You couldn't get here.
I understand.
Things happen, and we lose 84-42.
Semi-final.
84-42! Not a problem.
Bloody hell! Sod him! It's a bloody quiz.
He needs to get his priorities right, he does.
Stephen King did not write Twelfth Night, did he? Just Googled it.
It was Shakespeare.
Easy mistake, Glen.
I just thought Friday the 13th.
Well, 12's one of 13.
Plus, horror stuff's always done at night, so I thought, Twelfth Night - Stephen King.
It's a banker.
I can see how you got there.
Right, I'm going round Caroline's.
I'm off, too.
Got a couple of things I need to check back at the office.
Don't go there.
What you going to manage this time of night? Really? Get a good night's kip.
Sort it first thing.
See you in the morning.
I'll give you a lift, if you like? Brilliant! Stop it, I said.
It's a quiz.
It's ridiculous.
I know it is.
I just, I should've made it.
I gotembroiled.
What in? Oh, it's just family stuff.
I just should've not.
If you see what I mean.
Just forget it.
In the general scheme of things, it honestly ain't that important.
Salut.
Ah! What? I see where all this is coming from.
I clocked that poster that you put up in the office n'all.
Them two statues snogging.
I thought then, "Oh, he's off on one.
" It's what it does to you, travel.
You went to France, Steven! I hate this about you.
You're that cynical.
What? No, you are.
It stops you from doing stuff.
Bollocks.
You get one go at life and you can either do what you've always done and take pleasure in moaning like buggery about it, or you can, you know, step out of your misery comfort zone and help yourself to everything that's on offer.
That's why I went to France.
OK, so where'd you go, then? Oh, all over! Arc de Triomphe, er, Eiffel Tower Like I say, it's not exactly the North Pole, is it? Have you been? No.
No, I haven't.
Well, you should.
I think you'd like it.
I like art.
I've always The Louvre! I went there.
Massive.
Yeah.
I've seen it online.
Did you study it? Art.
Did you do an A-level or something? Do I look like I've got A-levels? No, I mean, I could've done.
School wanted us to, actually, I just didn't bother.
Why not? I can't remember.
Too busy partying, probably.
I'm going Stephen King! Yeah, he mentioned that.
I love him.
He's my son.
I can't not.
But I know.
Yeah.
I should Nah, don't.
Have another Coke.
Or don't you trust yourself? Can Can I just say? I've really enjoyed tonight.
What? Look, I thought you were going to be a nightmare to hang out with.
But then again, I thought you were a lesbian, when you first got down to the yard, only cos of your hair, you know.
And your clothes.
I don't think that now, obviously.
But it's worth remarking on, innit? You know, how you shouldn't jump to conclusions.
And And it backs up my earlier point that you've got to get out there.
Cos there's a corn There's a corn Cornucopia? Yeah.
Of delights.
You know, if you just look.
You're really pissed, aren't ya? Is that a problem? Not for me.
Whoa, all right, that's unexpected.
Ah, Wendy Ah, OK Wendy, Wendy, the thing is, yeah Oh, Wendy, please Come on.
Wendy, please Oh, shit.
Wait there.
No, go on.
I've cum.
No, it doesn't matter.
Come on, do it now! I'll get you a cup of tea in a minute, or a coffee.
And I'll make you a sandwich.
What, right now? Well, got to keep your strength up.
Huh! Where you going? South.
Yeah, I know, but why? Why not? Have you had enough? No! I mean, no.
Obviously, I could go on all night, but You need a bit of a spur, don't you? Or just an intermission.
I've got boots.
Leather boots.
I could slip them on.
Look, justjust a sandwich! Bacon sandwich.
If you can make me one? What's the matter? Nothing.
There is, I can see it.
I I'm just a bittired, that's all.
Do you really want a sandwich? No.
I'm full up! On all fronts, really.
Look, it's been It's been brilliant, honestly.
Fine.
Good.
See you in the morning, then.
What? Where you going? My bedroom.
You're on multi drops tomorrow, aren't ya? I'll wake you up about 6:00.
No, no, hang on What is this, then? I mean, where we are? Well, this is where I have my sex.
Right.
Morning, then.
Steven! Avoid the lorry park, will you? There's been some diesel theft.
Steven's gone already, has he? What? Flippin' heck, Martin! How many's that you've had? They give me a lift, first thing.
You should have had a couple last night.
What you on about? Name the six major rivers in Africa - the Nile, the Congo, the Niger, the Zambezi, the Limpopo and the Senegal.
It's basic stuff, Martin.
Ignore him.
You did brilliantly.
Excuse me.
You want to get your head down a bit earlier tonight, mate.
You look dreadful.
Yeah, he does, doesn't he? You had a nightmare or something? Can I help you? I was just wondering at the disappearing act.
That's all.
Me?! I wasn't the one who vanished into thin air, was I? What you on about? What do you What do you think? You took your pleasure, more than once, and then you legged it.
Pleasure? I mean, you're not supposed to do that.
You cuddle up, you No, you don't! You cuddle up when you're going out with someone, when you're being intimate.
We weren't being intimate.
We were having sex! Of course, you know, I mean, some time in the future, that might have turned into us being a bit more closer with each other, but not now, I don't suppose.
Now you've made your sprint for freedom.
Oh, no! Oh, no.
You're not going to do that! I know where you're going with this.
You're a man hater, aren't you? Hence the hair and the checked shirts.
And now you're going to make out like I'm one of those typical blokes that seduced you, had his fun, then tossed you aside.
Is that how you think I am? You're the one storming off, aren't ya? All self-righteous and like it's a done deal! I enjoyed last night.
I really enjoyed it.
We got on like a house on fire, and And then you cleared off.
You cleared off! Can you not get that into your peroxided, number one'd, DA'd head?! I was all up for a bit of sleepy, post-shag spooning.
You make it sound dead romantic(!) Only you put the mockers on it.
I mean, Wendy, Christ, what is wrong with you? Are you deliberately trying to scupper this or something? This? Us.
I mean, if we can just ignore the post-shag etiquette, the rest of the night was cracking and I just assumed today, we'd be talking about doing it again.
Not rowing.
You try and give someone a good time and it all goes tits up.
Except I'm saying, look, just forget the one bit that was ropey and concentrate on all the rest and you'll realise it wasn't a bad night.
It was a good night and we should do it again.
I'd like to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, let me think about it.
All yours, mate.
Hello? All right 'Yeah, I am.
Are you?' No, I'm saying, all right.
What to? 'Going out again.
' Eh? God, Steven, I thought you wanted another date! Well, I did, but I thought you were I was thinking, and I've thought, and I've decided, and it's yes! OK? Right.
Well, OK.
Well, when? Erm, dunno.
Tonight.
If you're free? 'Well, what do you want to do?' I'm not fussed.
Well, sound a bit enthusiastic.
Well, I've rung, ain't I?! Right, what about the pictures? Yeah.
Fine.
Call for me at 7:00.
All right, 7:00.
I'll be there.
Shit a brick! What? These.
Look at 'em! Oh, they've arrived, have they? Well, they're wrong! S apostrophe.
Before, they were apostrophe S.
There shouldn't be any apostrophe.
That's why I had 'em done.
I mean, that was my whole raison d'etre.
You know, get us up to speed grammatically.
They'll have to go back.
What? Nothing.
I just You're such a Pedant? Perfectionist.
Just had Wendy on.
She's got a date.
Jesus, he's brave! It is a he, is it? Dunno.
She didn't say.
It's nice though, innit? There's someone out there for everyone.
Oh Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I just dug it out the back of the boiler cupboard.
Trying to find out where the banging's coming from when you flush.
Bloody hell.
It's tramping stuff.
Must be one of the lads.
They must have forgot they'd put it in there.
Hmm, does smell a bit musty, doesn't it? So, anyway, I'm getting a new car.
Eh? I'm picking it up this evening.
Just wondered if maybe I could pop round to yours and take you out for a bit of a spin? I say spin, it's a van, so we could drive to a pub, have a drink and pop you back after! Well, you can'tcome round.
I'm out with my boyfriend.
Oh.
I Yeah.
Paul.
Oh, we're not out, we're in.
We're having friends round.
Takeaway, watch a film.
Right.
Of course.
Sorry, I Don't apologise.
It's a lovely idea, it's just it's not convenient.
You know? Well, another time, maybe, eh? Hiya! No, no, no, no, no! Not hiya.
Do you want a drink? I've got coffee, or mango juice, pineapple juice, cranberry juice, coconut.
There's breakfast stuff.
I could do with shifting it.
Are you all right? You seem a bit tense.
I'm not tense.
I'm excited.
Yeah? Obviously! OK, great.
Well, I hope this is what you're after Well, I text you, didn't I? Yeah.
You did! But if I'm honest, "The Sound of Music, "but not like she's a dirty bitch," isn't as helpful as, "Dress - black, size eight.
" Or, "Shoes - patent, size five.
" I meant proper! Like Julie Andrews.
But not pervy proper.
What? I want See, that? Oh, that's lovely.
That's perfect.
They're dead trendy.
Brothel creepers.
What did I just say? I want classical, Michelle.
I don't want trendy.
Right.
Hey, they're great, n'all.
Oh, and that.
What about my make up? Oh, you could do it! You always look nice.
Really? Yeah, you know, virginal nice - no fun here, but I cook a cracking Yorkshire.
Right, get my lippy.
Wow.
There you are.
Yeah.
All right? You set? This isn't the multiplex.
Yeah, I know, but I had an idea.
We agreed! We agreed what this evening was going to be! We discussed it! We did, but this is a cinema I know what it is! It's dead alternative, innit? Don't crunch your popcorn, one cough and you're out! No.
It's just that Why are we here? Cos there's something on, it's called Amour.
Which means Which means love.
I'm not stupid.
It's about this couple, in Paris, who are in love and, well, I don't know much beyond that point, but it's won Oscars.
I just thought, after what we'd talked about in the Dervish, that it'd be ideal.
Yeah.
All right.
What were you thinking?! I actually A couple of 80 year olds.
One of 'em has a stroke.
Cue four hours of him mopping up her piss! Which is love, I suppose, on one level, though not at the, er, you know, setting out weekend in Aya Napa level, admittedly.
But on the other hand, it gives you something to talk about, doesn't it? I mean, when you think, because some people do reckon that's fantastic, and how come we don't? When you come out of the pictures normally, you're just going, you know, the CGI was dead good, or it was a load of crap, and that's all.
The seats were comfy.
Yeah, they were.
This is nice, the bar.
Can I have two Cokes, mate? You can have a beer, you know.
No.
I'm fine.
Keep you company.
How was your day? Eh? Your day at work.
How was it? Yeah, you know, same as.
But did you do anything interesting? Load-wise.
Did you tip anything? You're a trucker.
You know exactly what I get up to.
All right! I'm only making conversation.
It'd gone a bit quiet! Quiet's fine.
As long as you're comfortable.
Well, I'm not! I like to talk when I'm out.
If I'm with someone and we're getting on, we talk.
That's what's supposed to happen.
OK.
Right, then Do you want a coffee? I'm sorry.
It's just Have you enjoyed tonight? I've had a lovely time.
Well, it hasn't seemed like it.
What? Your mood! I mean, you've been all tense and You have! The whole evening.
I can't help but thinking that maybe you weren't up for it, after all.
In which case, you know, you should've told me when I pulled up.
Could've saved us tonnes of stress! I had a great time.
Even the film, now it's over.
It didn't start too well.
The evening.
With my outfit.
I could see that you didn't like that.
No.
No.
I did.
I mean, I mean, I do.
It's nice.
Nice? Yeah.
I mean, it's a new look, innit? I haven't seen you like it before.
It's What?! I liked it when you looked like a lesbian.
No.
I want to go in yours.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
What? No, come on.
Look, come here.
All right.
Lie down.
God, steady on, cowboy! Yeah.
Oh, OK Go on, then.
Steven? What? Wait! What's the matter? Nothing.
I I thought you wanted to.
I do! That's what I'm doing now.
You're rubbing my back.
So? You rub a baby's back.
You wap that in when you're making love.
Good God.
Don't look like that.
I'm trying to make it nice for you! I just thought we might, you know, do what you said in the yard.
About us, you know, getting closer to each other, and staying in the same bed afterwards.
All the men that have walked through that door downstairs, not one of them has ever complained about the way I do it.
Well, I am! You, you, you, you're beautiful, you're funny.
I mean, you're so bloody sexy.
And I haven't ever seen a body like yours.
All right, you've got a bit of timber round the hips, but I like it.
I mean, just like I like your stomach, and your biceps are amazing, and as for your tits I mean, your tits are unbelievable.
I mean, they go up like a ski jump at the end.
All of you is perfect.
But you won't let me anywhere near it.
I mean, you'll shag me.
Yeah, you'll shag me.
But it's like a performance or something.
And I don't want that.
I just want you! You've had me! You've had me, all right? I can't be no different.
This is me.
You're just being unreasonable.
I'm being unreasonable?! Jesus, Wendy! You got us drunk, brought us back here and made me cum - prematurely and deliberately, in my opinion, in your hall - before you indulged in a bout of sexual assertiveness which, frankly, scared the living daylights out of me.
After which, you systematically wrecked the night out at the cinema I'd planned for you, and then you drag us back up here for another bout of Wendy Does The Haulage Trade! You're calling all the shots.
I just want to do something on my terms.
I mean, that's fair enough, innit? If we're going out.
Which, against my better judgment, I think we probably are now.
You did it three times.
Came prematurely.
Wendy, you're gorgeous.
You seen enough? It is quite cold.
All right? Yeah.
What there was of it.
Oh, I think I've got more croissants.
I'm joking! It was lovely.
Do you want to meet my mum? What? Wendy.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I got stuck in a bit of traffic.
No.
It's no trouble.
I've just got here myself.
Right It's just over there.
Sit down, Steven.
Oh, Mum.
We're going out afterwards for something to eat.
I'm sure you're not, round here? I mean, where is there decent any more? It's convenience this and convenience that.
Thank you.
I can't.
I've got elevated cholesterol.
Oh.
That's a shame.
No, thanks.
I live with it.
It's not something you complain about.
Still, shouldn't stop you getting tucked in, my misfortune.
Her doctor's brilliant with her ailments.
And she's got a few.
What does that mean? Nothing.
Just that he looks after you so well.
But you make it sound like I'm always there.
Well you do have a rolling appointment, don't ya? It's every two weeks.
On the basis that when you're infirm, there is usually some issue that will have cropped up by then! No, I think it's good that you go so regular.
I mean, erm, well, prevention's better than cure, innit? Plus He's there, Wendy.
HE is there for me.
I like your walls.
Are they eggshell? I wasn't being funny, Mum.
Thank you, Steven.
I did them myself.
Well, since Wendy's dad went Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
No.
It's all right.
He isn't dead.
He just left.
I'm not sure "just" is exactly the word that you're looking for.
I was Besides which, those were the vodka years for you, weren't they? I mean, I'd be surprised if any of that's very fresh in your mind.
Hasn't she done well, though? All the AA stuff.
I mean, I'm sure she can still have her moments, eh, Steven? Oh, she's doing really well Mood swings and such.
I mean, you've no idea what she used to be like.
Even as a baby.
My old doctor, he said that to me, "Mrs Morris, she's a handful, that one.
" But it's not where you start, is it? It's where you finish.
And look how she's turned out now.
So, tell me about you, Steven.
Are your parents from England? Or from some lovely Caribbean island? Right.
Job done.
Wendy! Wait! Happy birthday! How could I forget that? Mind you, over 30, who wants to be reminded, hey? It's body lotion, anti-cellulite.
Hope I see you again, Steven, if, you know, if it all works out.
Just say it, will ya? Bloody hell, Steven, just say it! Well, they're all the same, aren't they? My mum's a bit of a challenge.
A challenge? She was fine.
She's not fine! She's mean spirited.
That's why my dad left.
I'm sure it is.
It weren't for another woman, then? That's what did it for mine.
I mean, all parents can be a handful sometimes.
Accept it and get on with your life.
Especially on your birthday! I mean, you kept that quiet, didn't ya? What do you want to do, go and get a meal or a takeaway? No! What do you mean, no? I don't like birthdays.
I've never So this could be the year you change.
Steven! What? Well Maybe we'll go out for a drink orI dunno.
I just don't want to make a big thing out of it.
All right? Sure.
I'm parked round the back of the leisure centre.
I'll see you later.
I thought we were eating? Well, I've not got time, I won't get it done.
All right, fine How old are you? What? How old? You got to tell me that, at least.
Ha! Bloody hell! 'My name's Wendy.
Hi, Wendy.
' Erm, sorry that I missed the start of the meeting.
I don't usually come to this one, but I've just been with someone and they whip us up and they always do that and, well, I just wanted to say Oh, erm, I'm a recovering alcoholic, obviously, or I wouldn't have pulled up.
But what I wanted to say was, well, I'm grateful you're here cos, you know, in the past, when I've got stressed and if I've got worked up, I've, you know, I've had a drink, and now I don't.
And it's five years that I haven't touched it, and I'm really thankful for the Fellowship and for you all.
Thanks, Wendy.
Anyone else want to share? OK.
Mike.
Can you lead us in the serenity prayer, please? God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Mum.
Have you forgotten something? No.
I need to talk to ya.
But I'm meeting Kendra.
Five minutes.
Why are you so horrid to me, Mum? What? Your attitude! You never support me.
You never praise me.
You just, you chip away.
I You did it in there at dinner time! As soon as Steven sat down, you started.
Wendy And I won't put up with it any more! I don't know what you think you're doing You should've thought he was lovely! That's what should've happened.
You should've put all your efforts into warming to this fella and bigging up your daughter! Only not you.
Oh, no.
Which is how it's always been, just year, after year, after year of me never saying a word and you, you just get on, sniping away and undermining me.
And you know the reason I haven't said anything is because the whole time I keep telling myself - she'll change, she'll come round, she's bound to.
Only you won't, will ya? You won't ever alter and it's me, it's me that needs to change.
It's me that needs to say how this relationship is going to be, because the simple fact is, you're not like other mums.
Because you're not like other daughters! What?! You say these things to me, you have a go at me, and yet after all you've done I've done?! Yeah, your dad didn't just up and leave for no reason, you know.
What are you talking about? People don't do that.
They have cause.
Well, it's nothing to do with me! Wasn't it to do with you? He couldn't stand all your wild ways, the drinking and the fellas! Christ, the fellas! He used to say that to me all the time.
"Why can't she just get one bloke, instead of acting like "she should be stood on some street corner?" He never said that! He never said that! You have no idea.
God, you have no idea.
I haven't failed you, Wendy.
I have risen to the challenge of being your mother.
A challenge which, quite frankly, no-one else would've even tried.
Faced with a nature like yours! What? The clothes, the hair, the job.
Only it goes deeper than that, doesn't it? That abrasiveness.
It was there from the day you were born.
From the moment I held you in my arms and I tried to give you my breast, you were contrary and awkward and hard to love.
And you still are! Hello? 'It's me.
' Yeah? 'Let's have an early doors.
' Eh? 'Tonight.
Let's just meet down the Dervish straight after work.
'Then if we want to go on, we can organise it there.
'Your birthday.
' Yeah.
Yeah.
That sounds good.
I've got to go.
I'm just tipping something.
Here she is! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Many happy returns, love.
I'd get straight after him, if I was you.
Steven's put a load of money behind the bar.
He'll have drunk the lot before you can say, "Mine's a Coke.
" You're a sly one.
Have a good 'un.
I put 20 quid in there, you know, like a little bonus.
Happy birthday, then! I'm sorry, sorry.
Back on message.
So what do you reckon? You had no idea, did ya? What did I say? Eh? About no fuss.
Everyone says that.
No, I meant it! Oh, come on! Look, it's a party.
That's all.
It isn't even that, you know, it's a bit of food and the crew, who were dead excited about coming.
You've put cash behind the bar.
Everyone wants to mark the occasion.
I want to mark the occasion.
Just don't say things like that.
Just don't! We've had a couple of dates that've gone all right, but that doesn't mean you can say that sort of stuff.
Wendy! We should call it off.
What?! It's a mistake.
I mean, it's always perfect, innit, the first few days? Perfect? Jesus, what It's just, I don't want you wasting your time! This is ridiculous.
Look, I understand it's early days and you can get ahead of yourself, but we're a good fit, and that's not based on some blissful view of the past 48 hours, believe me.
God, Wendy, you're like the crack cocaine of dating, you are.
I mean, you might be irresistible, but it isn't without cost.
I'm sorry about this.
It was stupid, yeah? Only you can't let this blow us out the water.
So please, look, if you can suffer it a bit longer, from here on in, I promise, it'll never happen again.
Yeah? It'll just be you and me, and that's it.
Hey! Happy birthday! How you doing? Good.
Is that a 12-incher you've got there? Eh? I was making a penis joke.
Oh.
Oh! 12-incher! Nice.
Will you have a look at my rig? What? My cab.
I want to get a new sound system.
Only your dad said the ones they come with take some beating, so You're joking? Speakers are shite.
Never mind the amp.
See, this is it.
I knew you'd know.
You want to take a look in mine.
State of the art.
And they'd fit, would they, in my cab? Yeah, of course they would! They're like Will you check? Just to make sure? Yeah.
No sweat.
No, now! Well, it's only outside.
All right, fine.
All right, let's have a little look.
Now, what you got here? Yeah, this model, it's completely standard.
Which means you Glen.
What are you doing? I'm just going through your configuration.
I think you You really aren't the sharpest tool in the box, are ya? What? And speaking of box I want to muck about with you, Glen.
I want to What you doing? You can see what I'm doing.
Is there a problem? This isn't funny, Wendy It's not supposed to be funny.
It's supposed to be sexy! But But what? I'm offering it up to you on a plate! This is a joke, innit? All right, where's the camera? Glen! Stop being stupid and just do it, will ya?! No! I'm going out with Caroline.
It's got nothing to do with Caroline! It's just a fuck, Glen.
It's just a bit of fun.
Don't tell me you don't want to! I can see it in your eyes.
And it isn't going to affect anything.
It's just you and me and now.
And after that, well, we never say another word.
Boo, come on! Somebody drop a phat one! We've already had this one.
If you want something different, put it on yourself.
Well, I can't move.
I can throw a few shapes, but my legs have basically lost all perambulatory function.
That's cause you drank all the bleedin' kitty.
Oi, where's he gone? He nipped out about ten minutes ago.
Yeah? It's not like him to desert his post.
He was with Wendy.
Beyond that, I dunno.
All right? Oi! Leave him! Steven! That's enough! Are you all right? Get off me! How could you?! How could you do that?! There's something wrong with you.
Mum There's nothing wrong with you.
Well, ring the doctor, then.
No! I can't.
I Mum, I can't talk to you at the minute.
I'm just Mum Mum?! Mum! Oh, God! Mum, I'm here.
Ambulance.
No, no, I'll take ya.
It's all right, Mum, come on.
You're a good girl.
I'm sorry I wasn't very nice to you earlier.
It's all right, Mum, get up, come on.
Oh You're all right, you're all right, won't be long.
Wendy! I'm all right.
I'm fine.
I can go.
I don't even have to stay in.
Well, what was it? Dyspepsia.
They said I was 100% right to come in.
Indigestion? You can't take chances with chest pains.
When they make you vomit, when they're that bad, you've got to be sure! Wendy, if you're going to be like that, I'll just get a taxi home.
Oh, so sorry.
They did say that they thought some of it might even have been the journey in.
You know, the car being thrown about, you know? Oh, it's not your fault.
Don't worry.
I said, "I'm sure she thought she was only doing her best.
" They said I should make an appointment to see Dr Gordon.
They need close monitoring, these things, apparently.
Wendy, I've said I'm grateful.
I don't know what else you want me to do.
You haven't, actually.
You said I was a good girl and you were sorry.
But you were dying then, so I'm not sure that counts.
Look, I've had to put up with one of your outbursts already today, so, er Do you want to know what happened to me tonight, Mum? My bit of drama? What? I fucked my boyfriend's best mate so I could shit all over my own relationship.
Then I went to the offy, to get a bottle of vodka, and I was about to get stuck into that, only you called.
You know how you always call? And I came.
How I always come.
And now you're all right.
How you're always all right.
We're going to wind things up the way we always do, with you making me feel like a piece of dirt who gets everything she deserves.
Wendy No, we can't be fixed.
Can we? I mean, I've just assumed there must be some love there, between a mother and a daughter, and it's just a matter of working things out somehow.
But between you and me, there isn't any.
That's That's the truth! It isn't there, Mum.
And I'm buggered if I'm going to search for it any longer! I'm leaving you.
And don't worry, I'll do my duty still.
I'll fill in.
But I won't let you hurt me any more.
Wendy, stop it, Wendy, you're being I'm being serene, Mum! I'm recognising what I can do and what I can't.
Hey? What are you doing here? What are you? I asked first.
Iwanted to pick some stuff up, er I live here.
What? I got thrown out of home.
I haven't got anywhere else to go.
Is this recent? Well, depends how you'd define recent.
Two years.
What about your boyfriend, Paul? Can't he? There isn't a Paul.
I made him up .
.
so you wouldn't think .
.
any of this might be me.
Look, I'm sorry.
I know it's a breach of Health and Safety.
I just No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine! I'm really sorry that things aren't great at home.
Shame Paul's not real Well, there you have it, you've no choice, have you? No.
Right, well, I'll leave you to it, then.
Erm I think I've got a camp bed at home.
I could bring that in for you tomorrow.
Right.
Well, I'll see you then, then.
You've got a bloody nerve.
I'm sorry.
I didn't think we should go out.
I'm not making excuses.
I'm just telling you what I was doing.
I saw what you were doing.
I'm 35, Steven, and I've never had a boyfriend for more than six weeks.
Six weeks! And the thing is, I've always had this horrible feeling, deep down, it's cos there was something in me that was, I dunno, rotten or bad, or I couldn't be loved, no matter how hard I tried.
Only you came along and you made me feel better about myself.
I see, you wanted to say thank you? You know, just listen to me, please! You made me think I could change how I usually was.
Only this whole load of shit happened, which made me think I was exactly the person I always thought, right from the start, and there was no point going on with you.
So What shit? Just, it was with my mum It was her fault? It was all your mum's fault, was it?! So it's her I should go round to now and give a bloody good bollocking to, with her sodding prawn sandwiches and her anti-cellulite cream, and her, "Do your parents come from the bastard Caribbean"?! It was your mum that shagged Glen, was it?! Don't say those things, Steven, she's, that's how she is and she can't help it.
And that's her.
And I'm me.
And I want a second chance.
A what? You can't make things if you don't know what they look like! Anything.
Especially love.
And, well, God, I wasn't facing the right way earlier and I did something stupid, and I wish I hadn't, and I would never do it again because I really, really, really like you and I want another chance, please.
Please? What happened to your eye? I just caught it.
In the Dervish.
Well You should let me take a look at it.
It's all right.
It's just a graze.
Wendy! I'm asking you in.
And trying to keep my dignity, all at the same bleedin' time.
What's wrong? Us! The looks.
The atmosphere.
You've got to get over it.
Just want you happy in bed, Michelle.
You know, so you're productive.
Honesty's the best policy? Right from the kick-off.
So I should tell Caroline about Wendy? I said honesty, not suicide.
What is the matter with you?! You're not breaking up with me, are ya? No.
Will you marry me? Andrea.
It's my own fault.
What you on about? You! And Little MissMelty Tits! You see the world like it's a U certificate.
Whereas, in fact, the world is an 18.
It contains scenes of an upsetting nature.
Thank God.
Thank you, Dr Gordon.
Oh, that is such a relief.
You can go home and get on with your life.
You are so kind to me.
Just doing my job.
Oh, no, no, you're not.
You always go the extra mile with me.
I know you do.
I got you these.
They're brownies.
Your favourites.
No, really, I couldn't You can let me have the box back when I see you next time.
I've got one booked in a fortnight.
Mum.
Thank you, again.
I Oh.
What was that all about? Virtually ran me out of the building.
No, I didn't.
I said I've got a big do tonight.
I'm already late.
Fine.
All about priorities, I suppose.
I was there, wasn't I? I think most daughters would've been there under them circumstances, don't you? Red River Fever? Do you know how many cases there have been of that in Nottingham in the last year? If you didn't want to come, you should have just said so! I'd have found an alternative.
Mum, you don't need to get anyone else.
You know that.
I'll come with you whenever, but I've got my own life too, you know.
Have you? Have you, Wendy? That's good to hear.
What's that supposed to mean? What? You know what.
"That's good to hear.
" Like there's something wrong with me.
I don't think anyone said wrong with you.
At the same time, you have rather put the A into alternative, haven't you? As long as I'm happy doing what I'm doing, that should be enough for you.
It would be, if I thought you really were happy.
What? You're 35 on Wednesday.
So? 35 is middle age.
No, it's not! It's the start of middle age, which is bound to make me think - how long can she keep pretending? I mean, the truck driving, the clothes, the hair, the whole thing you've got going.
What thing? Do not shout at me, please! You'll bring a migraine on.
I'm not shouting.
I'm just You are shouting.
It's what you do.
It's what you've always done.
You're a very aggressive girl.
You can't help it.
Look, I'm your mother.
I can see it, you're like someone who's gone out on a limb a long time ago and they're too stuck to get back.
But in their hearts, they want to.
They want to wear a dress and have a proper roots touch-up and be with someone.
Oh, no I'm thinking of you.
You're thinking of yourself, cos you hate being on your own.
And you think I must n'all.
Only I don't.
I like it.
Same as I like my job and my clothes and, well, I like my life.
I'm really late.
You are in such trouble.
Why aren't you playing? I'm still banned.
That biting business at the Crown.
Right.
Final one for the individuals.
English Monarchs.
It's, er, Roy for the Red Lion and, erm, Glen for the Dervish.
Glen? Couldn't start one down.
They waited for you as long as they could.
My best subject at school, History.
Shh! So, Roy Of whom, whom was it said in 1264, "His mind seemed not to stand "on a firm basis, for every sudden accident put him into passion"? Henry III.
Correct.
I think it was after De Montfort defeated him at the battle of Lewes.
Yeah, all right! It's not a bloody thesis.
Glen, right.
Who succeeded Henry VIII as King of England? Just how they fall, folks.
Henry IX! 20, 30, there you go.
Cheers, mate.
Cheers.
Mind how you go, lads.
See you next season.
Well played.
Cocky bastards.
I swear Wendy, it's fine.
You couldn't get here.
I understand.
Things happen, and we lose 84-42.
Semi-final.
84-42! Not a problem.
Bloody hell! Sod him! It's a bloody quiz.
He needs to get his priorities right, he does.
Stephen King did not write Twelfth Night, did he? Just Googled it.
It was Shakespeare.
Easy mistake, Glen.
I just thought Friday the 13th.
Well, 12's one of 13.
Plus, horror stuff's always done at night, so I thought, Twelfth Night - Stephen King.
It's a banker.
I can see how you got there.
Right, I'm going round Caroline's.
I'm off, too.
Got a couple of things I need to check back at the office.
Don't go there.
What you going to manage this time of night? Really? Get a good night's kip.
Sort it first thing.
See you in the morning.
I'll give you a lift, if you like? Brilliant! Stop it, I said.
It's a quiz.
It's ridiculous.
I know it is.
I just, I should've made it.
I gotembroiled.
What in? Oh, it's just family stuff.
I just should've not.
If you see what I mean.
Just forget it.
In the general scheme of things, it honestly ain't that important.
Salut.
Ah! What? I see where all this is coming from.
I clocked that poster that you put up in the office n'all.
Them two statues snogging.
I thought then, "Oh, he's off on one.
" It's what it does to you, travel.
You went to France, Steven! I hate this about you.
You're that cynical.
What? No, you are.
It stops you from doing stuff.
Bollocks.
You get one go at life and you can either do what you've always done and take pleasure in moaning like buggery about it, or you can, you know, step out of your misery comfort zone and help yourself to everything that's on offer.
That's why I went to France.
OK, so where'd you go, then? Oh, all over! Arc de Triomphe, er, Eiffel Tower Like I say, it's not exactly the North Pole, is it? Have you been? No.
No, I haven't.
Well, you should.
I think you'd like it.
I like art.
I've always The Louvre! I went there.
Massive.
Yeah.
I've seen it online.
Did you study it? Art.
Did you do an A-level or something? Do I look like I've got A-levels? No, I mean, I could've done.
School wanted us to, actually, I just didn't bother.
Why not? I can't remember.
Too busy partying, probably.
I'm going Stephen King! Yeah, he mentioned that.
I love him.
He's my son.
I can't not.
But I know.
Yeah.
I should Nah, don't.
Have another Coke.
Or don't you trust yourself? Can Can I just say? I've really enjoyed tonight.
What? Look, I thought you were going to be a nightmare to hang out with.
But then again, I thought you were a lesbian, when you first got down to the yard, only cos of your hair, you know.
And your clothes.
I don't think that now, obviously.
But it's worth remarking on, innit? You know, how you shouldn't jump to conclusions.
And And it backs up my earlier point that you've got to get out there.
Cos there's a corn There's a corn Cornucopia? Yeah.
Of delights.
You know, if you just look.
You're really pissed, aren't ya? Is that a problem? Not for me.
Whoa, all right, that's unexpected.
Ah, Wendy Ah, OK Wendy, Wendy, the thing is, yeah Oh, Wendy, please Come on.
Wendy, please Oh, shit.
Wait there.
No, go on.
I've cum.
No, it doesn't matter.
Come on, do it now! I'll get you a cup of tea in a minute, or a coffee.
And I'll make you a sandwich.
What, right now? Well, got to keep your strength up.
Huh! Where you going? South.
Yeah, I know, but why? Why not? Have you had enough? No! I mean, no.
Obviously, I could go on all night, but You need a bit of a spur, don't you? Or just an intermission.
I've got boots.
Leather boots.
I could slip them on.
Look, justjust a sandwich! Bacon sandwich.
If you can make me one? What's the matter? Nothing.
There is, I can see it.
I I'm just a bittired, that's all.
Do you really want a sandwich? No.
I'm full up! On all fronts, really.
Look, it's been It's been brilliant, honestly.
Fine.
Good.
See you in the morning, then.
What? Where you going? My bedroom.
You're on multi drops tomorrow, aren't ya? I'll wake you up about 6:00.
No, no, hang on What is this, then? I mean, where we are? Well, this is where I have my sex.
Right.
Morning, then.
Steven! Avoid the lorry park, will you? There's been some diesel theft.
Steven's gone already, has he? What? Flippin' heck, Martin! How many's that you've had? They give me a lift, first thing.
You should have had a couple last night.
What you on about? Name the six major rivers in Africa - the Nile, the Congo, the Niger, the Zambezi, the Limpopo and the Senegal.
It's basic stuff, Martin.
Ignore him.
You did brilliantly.
Excuse me.
You want to get your head down a bit earlier tonight, mate.
You look dreadful.
Yeah, he does, doesn't he? You had a nightmare or something? Can I help you? I was just wondering at the disappearing act.
That's all.
Me?! I wasn't the one who vanished into thin air, was I? What you on about? What do you What do you think? You took your pleasure, more than once, and then you legged it.
Pleasure? I mean, you're not supposed to do that.
You cuddle up, you No, you don't! You cuddle up when you're going out with someone, when you're being intimate.
We weren't being intimate.
We were having sex! Of course, you know, I mean, some time in the future, that might have turned into us being a bit more closer with each other, but not now, I don't suppose.
Now you've made your sprint for freedom.
Oh, no! Oh, no.
You're not going to do that! I know where you're going with this.
You're a man hater, aren't you? Hence the hair and the checked shirts.
And now you're going to make out like I'm one of those typical blokes that seduced you, had his fun, then tossed you aside.
Is that how you think I am? You're the one storming off, aren't ya? All self-righteous and like it's a done deal! I enjoyed last night.
I really enjoyed it.
We got on like a house on fire, and And then you cleared off.
You cleared off! Can you not get that into your peroxided, number one'd, DA'd head?! I was all up for a bit of sleepy, post-shag spooning.
You make it sound dead romantic(!) Only you put the mockers on it.
I mean, Wendy, Christ, what is wrong with you? Are you deliberately trying to scupper this or something? This? Us.
I mean, if we can just ignore the post-shag etiquette, the rest of the night was cracking and I just assumed today, we'd be talking about doing it again.
Not rowing.
You try and give someone a good time and it all goes tits up.
Except I'm saying, look, just forget the one bit that was ropey and concentrate on all the rest and you'll realise it wasn't a bad night.
It was a good night and we should do it again.
I'd like to.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, let me think about it.
All yours, mate.
Hello? All right 'Yeah, I am.
Are you?' No, I'm saying, all right.
What to? 'Going out again.
' Eh? God, Steven, I thought you wanted another date! Well, I did, but I thought you were I was thinking, and I've thought, and I've decided, and it's yes! OK? Right.
Well, OK.
Well, when? Erm, dunno.
Tonight.
If you're free? 'Well, what do you want to do?' I'm not fussed.
Well, sound a bit enthusiastic.
Well, I've rung, ain't I?! Right, what about the pictures? Yeah.
Fine.
Call for me at 7:00.
All right, 7:00.
I'll be there.
Shit a brick! What? These.
Look at 'em! Oh, they've arrived, have they? Well, they're wrong! S apostrophe.
Before, they were apostrophe S.
There shouldn't be any apostrophe.
That's why I had 'em done.
I mean, that was my whole raison d'etre.
You know, get us up to speed grammatically.
They'll have to go back.
What? Nothing.
I just You're such a Pedant? Perfectionist.
Just had Wendy on.
She's got a date.
Jesus, he's brave! It is a he, is it? Dunno.
She didn't say.
It's nice though, innit? There's someone out there for everyone.
Oh Yeah.
Yeah, I know.
I just dug it out the back of the boiler cupboard.
Trying to find out where the banging's coming from when you flush.
Bloody hell.
It's tramping stuff.
Must be one of the lads.
They must have forgot they'd put it in there.
Hmm, does smell a bit musty, doesn't it? So, anyway, I'm getting a new car.
Eh? I'm picking it up this evening.
Just wondered if maybe I could pop round to yours and take you out for a bit of a spin? I say spin, it's a van, so we could drive to a pub, have a drink and pop you back after! Well, you can'tcome round.
I'm out with my boyfriend.
Oh.
I Yeah.
Paul.
Oh, we're not out, we're in.
We're having friends round.
Takeaway, watch a film.
Right.
Of course.
Sorry, I Don't apologise.
It's a lovely idea, it's just it's not convenient.
You know? Well, another time, maybe, eh? Hiya! No, no, no, no, no! Not hiya.
Do you want a drink? I've got coffee, or mango juice, pineapple juice, cranberry juice, coconut.
There's breakfast stuff.
I could do with shifting it.
Are you all right? You seem a bit tense.
I'm not tense.
I'm excited.
Yeah? Obviously! OK, great.
Well, I hope this is what you're after Well, I text you, didn't I? Yeah.
You did! But if I'm honest, "The Sound of Music, "but not like she's a dirty bitch," isn't as helpful as, "Dress - black, size eight.
" Or, "Shoes - patent, size five.
" I meant proper! Like Julie Andrews.
But not pervy proper.
What? I want See, that? Oh, that's lovely.
That's perfect.
They're dead trendy.
Brothel creepers.
What did I just say? I want classical, Michelle.
I don't want trendy.
Right.
Hey, they're great, n'all.
Oh, and that.
What about my make up? Oh, you could do it! You always look nice.
Really? Yeah, you know, virginal nice - no fun here, but I cook a cracking Yorkshire.
Right, get my lippy.
Wow.
There you are.
Yeah.
All right? You set? This isn't the multiplex.
Yeah, I know, but I had an idea.
We agreed! We agreed what this evening was going to be! We discussed it! We did, but this is a cinema I know what it is! It's dead alternative, innit? Don't crunch your popcorn, one cough and you're out! No.
It's just that Why are we here? Cos there's something on, it's called Amour.
Which means Which means love.
I'm not stupid.
It's about this couple, in Paris, who are in love and, well, I don't know much beyond that point, but it's won Oscars.
I just thought, after what we'd talked about in the Dervish, that it'd be ideal.
Yeah.
All right.
What were you thinking?! I actually A couple of 80 year olds.
One of 'em has a stroke.
Cue four hours of him mopping up her piss! Which is love, I suppose, on one level, though not at the, er, you know, setting out weekend in Aya Napa level, admittedly.
But on the other hand, it gives you something to talk about, doesn't it? I mean, when you think, because some people do reckon that's fantastic, and how come we don't? When you come out of the pictures normally, you're just going, you know, the CGI was dead good, or it was a load of crap, and that's all.
The seats were comfy.
Yeah, they were.
This is nice, the bar.
Can I have two Cokes, mate? You can have a beer, you know.
No.
I'm fine.
Keep you company.
How was your day? Eh? Your day at work.
How was it? Yeah, you know, same as.
But did you do anything interesting? Load-wise.
Did you tip anything? You're a trucker.
You know exactly what I get up to.
All right! I'm only making conversation.
It'd gone a bit quiet! Quiet's fine.
As long as you're comfortable.
Well, I'm not! I like to talk when I'm out.
If I'm with someone and we're getting on, we talk.
That's what's supposed to happen.
OK.
Right, then Do you want a coffee? I'm sorry.
It's just Have you enjoyed tonight? I've had a lovely time.
Well, it hasn't seemed like it.
What? Your mood! I mean, you've been all tense and You have! The whole evening.
I can't help but thinking that maybe you weren't up for it, after all.
In which case, you know, you should've told me when I pulled up.
Could've saved us tonnes of stress! I had a great time.
Even the film, now it's over.
It didn't start too well.
The evening.
With my outfit.
I could see that you didn't like that.
No.
No.
I did.
I mean, I mean, I do.
It's nice.
Nice? Yeah.
I mean, it's a new look, innit? I haven't seen you like it before.
It's What?! I liked it when you looked like a lesbian.
No.
I want to go in yours.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
What? No, come on.
Look, come here.
All right.
Lie down.
God, steady on, cowboy! Yeah.
Oh, OK Go on, then.
Steven? What? Wait! What's the matter? Nothing.
I I thought you wanted to.
I do! That's what I'm doing now.
You're rubbing my back.
So? You rub a baby's back.
You wap that in when you're making love.
Good God.
Don't look like that.
I'm trying to make it nice for you! I just thought we might, you know, do what you said in the yard.
About us, you know, getting closer to each other, and staying in the same bed afterwards.
All the men that have walked through that door downstairs, not one of them has ever complained about the way I do it.
Well, I am! You, you, you, you're beautiful, you're funny.
I mean, you're so bloody sexy.
And I haven't ever seen a body like yours.
All right, you've got a bit of timber round the hips, but I like it.
I mean, just like I like your stomach, and your biceps are amazing, and as for your tits I mean, your tits are unbelievable.
I mean, they go up like a ski jump at the end.
All of you is perfect.
But you won't let me anywhere near it.
I mean, you'll shag me.
Yeah, you'll shag me.
But it's like a performance or something.
And I don't want that.
I just want you! You've had me! You've had me, all right? I can't be no different.
This is me.
You're just being unreasonable.
I'm being unreasonable?! Jesus, Wendy! You got us drunk, brought us back here and made me cum - prematurely and deliberately, in my opinion, in your hall - before you indulged in a bout of sexual assertiveness which, frankly, scared the living daylights out of me.
After which, you systematically wrecked the night out at the cinema I'd planned for you, and then you drag us back up here for another bout of Wendy Does The Haulage Trade! You're calling all the shots.
I just want to do something on my terms.
I mean, that's fair enough, innit? If we're going out.
Which, against my better judgment, I think we probably are now.
You did it three times.
Came prematurely.
Wendy, you're gorgeous.
You seen enough? It is quite cold.
All right? Yeah.
What there was of it.
Oh, I think I've got more croissants.
I'm joking! It was lovely.
Do you want to meet my mum? What? Wendy.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I got stuck in a bit of traffic.
No.
It's no trouble.
I've just got here myself.
Right It's just over there.
Sit down, Steven.
Oh, Mum.
We're going out afterwards for something to eat.
I'm sure you're not, round here? I mean, where is there decent any more? It's convenience this and convenience that.
Thank you.
I can't.
I've got elevated cholesterol.
Oh.
That's a shame.
No, thanks.
I live with it.
It's not something you complain about.
Still, shouldn't stop you getting tucked in, my misfortune.
Her doctor's brilliant with her ailments.
And she's got a few.
What does that mean? Nothing.
Just that he looks after you so well.
But you make it sound like I'm always there.
Well you do have a rolling appointment, don't ya? It's every two weeks.
On the basis that when you're infirm, there is usually some issue that will have cropped up by then! No, I think it's good that you go so regular.
I mean, erm, well, prevention's better than cure, innit? Plus He's there, Wendy.
HE is there for me.
I like your walls.
Are they eggshell? I wasn't being funny, Mum.
Thank you, Steven.
I did them myself.
Well, since Wendy's dad went Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
No.
It's all right.
He isn't dead.
He just left.
I'm not sure "just" is exactly the word that you're looking for.
I was Besides which, those were the vodka years for you, weren't they? I mean, I'd be surprised if any of that's very fresh in your mind.
Hasn't she done well, though? All the AA stuff.
I mean, I'm sure she can still have her moments, eh, Steven? Oh, she's doing really well Mood swings and such.
I mean, you've no idea what she used to be like.
Even as a baby.
My old doctor, he said that to me, "Mrs Morris, she's a handful, that one.
" But it's not where you start, is it? It's where you finish.
And look how she's turned out now.
So, tell me about you, Steven.
Are your parents from England? Or from some lovely Caribbean island? Right.
Job done.
Wendy! Wait! Happy birthday! How could I forget that? Mind you, over 30, who wants to be reminded, hey? It's body lotion, anti-cellulite.
Hope I see you again, Steven, if, you know, if it all works out.
Just say it, will ya? Bloody hell, Steven, just say it! Well, they're all the same, aren't they? My mum's a bit of a challenge.
A challenge? She was fine.
She's not fine! She's mean spirited.
That's why my dad left.
I'm sure it is.
It weren't for another woman, then? That's what did it for mine.
I mean, all parents can be a handful sometimes.
Accept it and get on with your life.
Especially on your birthday! I mean, you kept that quiet, didn't ya? What do you want to do, go and get a meal or a takeaway? No! What do you mean, no? I don't like birthdays.
I've never So this could be the year you change.
Steven! What? Well Maybe we'll go out for a drink orI dunno.
I just don't want to make a big thing out of it.
All right? Sure.
I'm parked round the back of the leisure centre.
I'll see you later.
I thought we were eating? Well, I've not got time, I won't get it done.
All right, fine How old are you? What? How old? You got to tell me that, at least.
Ha! Bloody hell! 'My name's Wendy.
Hi, Wendy.
' Erm, sorry that I missed the start of the meeting.
I don't usually come to this one, but I've just been with someone and they whip us up and they always do that and, well, I just wanted to say Oh, erm, I'm a recovering alcoholic, obviously, or I wouldn't have pulled up.
But what I wanted to say was, well, I'm grateful you're here cos, you know, in the past, when I've got stressed and if I've got worked up, I've, you know, I've had a drink, and now I don't.
And it's five years that I haven't touched it, and I'm really thankful for the Fellowship and for you all.
Thanks, Wendy.
Anyone else want to share? OK.
Mike.
Can you lead us in the serenity prayer, please? God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Mum.
Have you forgotten something? No.
I need to talk to ya.
But I'm meeting Kendra.
Five minutes.
Why are you so horrid to me, Mum? What? Your attitude! You never support me.
You never praise me.
You just, you chip away.
I You did it in there at dinner time! As soon as Steven sat down, you started.
Wendy And I won't put up with it any more! I don't know what you think you're doing You should've thought he was lovely! That's what should've happened.
You should've put all your efforts into warming to this fella and bigging up your daughter! Only not you.
Oh, no.
Which is how it's always been, just year, after year, after year of me never saying a word and you, you just get on, sniping away and undermining me.
And you know the reason I haven't said anything is because the whole time I keep telling myself - she'll change, she'll come round, she's bound to.
Only you won't, will ya? You won't ever alter and it's me, it's me that needs to change.
It's me that needs to say how this relationship is going to be, because the simple fact is, you're not like other mums.
Because you're not like other daughters! What?! You say these things to me, you have a go at me, and yet after all you've done I've done?! Yeah, your dad didn't just up and leave for no reason, you know.
What are you talking about? People don't do that.
They have cause.
Well, it's nothing to do with me! Wasn't it to do with you? He couldn't stand all your wild ways, the drinking and the fellas! Christ, the fellas! He used to say that to me all the time.
"Why can't she just get one bloke, instead of acting like "she should be stood on some street corner?" He never said that! He never said that! You have no idea.
God, you have no idea.
I haven't failed you, Wendy.
I have risen to the challenge of being your mother.
A challenge which, quite frankly, no-one else would've even tried.
Faced with a nature like yours! What? The clothes, the hair, the job.
Only it goes deeper than that, doesn't it? That abrasiveness.
It was there from the day you were born.
From the moment I held you in my arms and I tried to give you my breast, you were contrary and awkward and hard to love.
And you still are! Hello? 'It's me.
' Yeah? 'Let's have an early doors.
' Eh? 'Tonight.
Let's just meet down the Dervish straight after work.
'Then if we want to go on, we can organise it there.
'Your birthday.
' Yeah.
Yeah.
That sounds good.
I've got to go.
I'm just tipping something.
Here she is! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Many happy returns, love.
I'd get straight after him, if I was you.
Steven's put a load of money behind the bar.
He'll have drunk the lot before you can say, "Mine's a Coke.
" You're a sly one.
Have a good 'un.
I put 20 quid in there, you know, like a little bonus.
Happy birthday, then! I'm sorry, sorry.
Back on message.
So what do you reckon? You had no idea, did ya? What did I say? Eh? About no fuss.
Everyone says that.
No, I meant it! Oh, come on! Look, it's a party.
That's all.
It isn't even that, you know, it's a bit of food and the crew, who were dead excited about coming.
You've put cash behind the bar.
Everyone wants to mark the occasion.
I want to mark the occasion.
Just don't say things like that.
Just don't! We've had a couple of dates that've gone all right, but that doesn't mean you can say that sort of stuff.
Wendy! We should call it off.
What?! It's a mistake.
I mean, it's always perfect, innit, the first few days? Perfect? Jesus, what It's just, I don't want you wasting your time! This is ridiculous.
Look, I understand it's early days and you can get ahead of yourself, but we're a good fit, and that's not based on some blissful view of the past 48 hours, believe me.
God, Wendy, you're like the crack cocaine of dating, you are.
I mean, you might be irresistible, but it isn't without cost.
I'm sorry about this.
It was stupid, yeah? Only you can't let this blow us out the water.
So please, look, if you can suffer it a bit longer, from here on in, I promise, it'll never happen again.
Yeah? It'll just be you and me, and that's it.
Hey! Happy birthday! How you doing? Good.
Is that a 12-incher you've got there? Eh? I was making a penis joke.
Oh.
Oh! 12-incher! Nice.
Will you have a look at my rig? What? My cab.
I want to get a new sound system.
Only your dad said the ones they come with take some beating, so You're joking? Speakers are shite.
Never mind the amp.
See, this is it.
I knew you'd know.
You want to take a look in mine.
State of the art.
And they'd fit, would they, in my cab? Yeah, of course they would! They're like Will you check? Just to make sure? Yeah.
No sweat.
No, now! Well, it's only outside.
All right, fine.
All right, let's have a little look.
Now, what you got here? Yeah, this model, it's completely standard.
Which means you Glen.
What are you doing? I'm just going through your configuration.
I think you You really aren't the sharpest tool in the box, are ya? What? And speaking of box I want to muck about with you, Glen.
I want to What you doing? You can see what I'm doing.
Is there a problem? This isn't funny, Wendy It's not supposed to be funny.
It's supposed to be sexy! But But what? I'm offering it up to you on a plate! This is a joke, innit? All right, where's the camera? Glen! Stop being stupid and just do it, will ya?! No! I'm going out with Caroline.
It's got nothing to do with Caroline! It's just a fuck, Glen.
It's just a bit of fun.
Don't tell me you don't want to! I can see it in your eyes.
And it isn't going to affect anything.
It's just you and me and now.
And after that, well, we never say another word.
Boo, come on! Somebody drop a phat one! We've already had this one.
If you want something different, put it on yourself.
Well, I can't move.
I can throw a few shapes, but my legs have basically lost all perambulatory function.
That's cause you drank all the bleedin' kitty.
Oi, where's he gone? He nipped out about ten minutes ago.
Yeah? It's not like him to desert his post.
He was with Wendy.
Beyond that, I dunno.
All right? Oi! Leave him! Steven! That's enough! Are you all right? Get off me! How could you?! How could you do that?! There's something wrong with you.
Mum There's nothing wrong with you.
Well, ring the doctor, then.
No! I can't.
I Mum, I can't talk to you at the minute.
I'm just Mum Mum?! Mum! Oh, God! Mum, I'm here.
Ambulance.
No, no, I'll take ya.
It's all right, Mum, come on.
You're a good girl.
I'm sorry I wasn't very nice to you earlier.
It's all right, Mum, get up, come on.
Oh You're all right, you're all right, won't be long.
Wendy! I'm all right.
I'm fine.
I can go.
I don't even have to stay in.
Well, what was it? Dyspepsia.
They said I was 100% right to come in.
Indigestion? You can't take chances with chest pains.
When they make you vomit, when they're that bad, you've got to be sure! Wendy, if you're going to be like that, I'll just get a taxi home.
Oh, so sorry.
They did say that they thought some of it might even have been the journey in.
You know, the car being thrown about, you know? Oh, it's not your fault.
Don't worry.
I said, "I'm sure she thought she was only doing her best.
" They said I should make an appointment to see Dr Gordon.
They need close monitoring, these things, apparently.
Wendy, I've said I'm grateful.
I don't know what else you want me to do.
You haven't, actually.
You said I was a good girl and you were sorry.
But you were dying then, so I'm not sure that counts.
Look, I've had to put up with one of your outbursts already today, so, er Do you want to know what happened to me tonight, Mum? My bit of drama? What? I fucked my boyfriend's best mate so I could shit all over my own relationship.
Then I went to the offy, to get a bottle of vodka, and I was about to get stuck into that, only you called.
You know how you always call? And I came.
How I always come.
And now you're all right.
How you're always all right.
We're going to wind things up the way we always do, with you making me feel like a piece of dirt who gets everything she deserves.
Wendy No, we can't be fixed.
Can we? I mean, I've just assumed there must be some love there, between a mother and a daughter, and it's just a matter of working things out somehow.
But between you and me, there isn't any.
That's That's the truth! It isn't there, Mum.
And I'm buggered if I'm going to search for it any longer! I'm leaving you.
And don't worry, I'll do my duty still.
I'll fill in.
But I won't let you hurt me any more.
Wendy, stop it, Wendy, you're being I'm being serene, Mum! I'm recognising what I can do and what I can't.
Hey? What are you doing here? What are you? I asked first.
Iwanted to pick some stuff up, er I live here.
What? I got thrown out of home.
I haven't got anywhere else to go.
Is this recent? Well, depends how you'd define recent.
Two years.
What about your boyfriend, Paul? Can't he? There isn't a Paul.
I made him up .
.
so you wouldn't think .
.
any of this might be me.
Look, I'm sorry.
I know it's a breach of Health and Safety.
I just No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine! I'm really sorry that things aren't great at home.
Shame Paul's not real Well, there you have it, you've no choice, have you? No.
Right, well, I'll leave you to it, then.
Erm I think I've got a camp bed at home.
I could bring that in for you tomorrow.
Right.
Well, I'll see you then, then.
You've got a bloody nerve.
I'm sorry.
I didn't think we should go out.
I'm not making excuses.
I'm just telling you what I was doing.
I saw what you were doing.
I'm 35, Steven, and I've never had a boyfriend for more than six weeks.
Six weeks! And the thing is, I've always had this horrible feeling, deep down, it's cos there was something in me that was, I dunno, rotten or bad, or I couldn't be loved, no matter how hard I tried.
Only you came along and you made me feel better about myself.
I see, you wanted to say thank you? You know, just listen to me, please! You made me think I could change how I usually was.
Only this whole load of shit happened, which made me think I was exactly the person I always thought, right from the start, and there was no point going on with you.
So What shit? Just, it was with my mum It was her fault? It was all your mum's fault, was it?! So it's her I should go round to now and give a bloody good bollocking to, with her sodding prawn sandwiches and her anti-cellulite cream, and her, "Do your parents come from the bastard Caribbean"?! It was your mum that shagged Glen, was it?! Don't say those things, Steven, she's, that's how she is and she can't help it.
And that's her.
And I'm me.
And I want a second chance.
A what? You can't make things if you don't know what they look like! Anything.
Especially love.
And, well, God, I wasn't facing the right way earlier and I did something stupid, and I wish I hadn't, and I would never do it again because I really, really, really like you and I want another chance, please.
Please? What happened to your eye? I just caught it.
In the Dervish.
Well You should let me take a look at it.
It's all right.
It's just a graze.
Wendy! I'm asking you in.
And trying to keep my dignity, all at the same bleedin' time.
What's wrong? Us! The looks.
The atmosphere.
You've got to get over it.
Just want you happy in bed, Michelle.
You know, so you're productive.
Honesty's the best policy? Right from the kick-off.
So I should tell Caroline about Wendy? I said honesty, not suicide.
What is the matter with you?! You're not breaking up with me, are ya? No.
Will you marry me? Andrea.
It's my own fault.
What you on about? You! And Little MissMelty Tits! You see the world like it's a U certificate.
Whereas, in fact, the world is an 18.
It contains scenes of an upsetting nature.